Original subtitles

You never look in your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips.

And there's no tenderness like before

in your fingertips.

You're trying hard.

Leave them carrying both your jeans.

Pit them out and leave them on the side of your plate.

My pride was splitting with mirth. Arf, arf. Let's put her back in the test tube

and have a girl next time. Give me those.

You sure they're all weeds?

Just pull them all up and let God sort them out.

I did it. What?

The shopping.

Yes.

Well, aren't you going to say thanks?

I do it every week and you never say thanks.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Thanks. No, it's alright.

Oh, come on!

Well, they were an offer.

I like oven chips.

Cleaning stuff.

I'll go back tomorrow.

Next time I'll make a list.

Mum!

It's Jane!

She's at the station!

Right.

Why is she at the station?

I was waiting for the right moment! There is no right moment.

Well, is there anything I can do to help? Yes.

tidying. You can't see it. You can't see Alistair Burnett's bum, but I know it's

there. Where did it come from?

Planet Bar. Oh, take it back there. Give me that biscuit.

And take those comics up to your bedroom.

Oh, what thing? Then it'll be right at home. Up.

Why can't I pick her up in the van? I'm not giving her a head start. It'll be

bad enough if it is.

Anyone would think the Queen was coming.

Yeah, well, she'd be less sassy.

She comes. I have to sleep in a slime pit. Don't sit there!

What do you want me to do? Hover in the air? If you wouldn't mind.

Oh, that's where that got to.

Well, what got to? I don't know, but if you wanted, it's up between her now.

Jenny, let her in the room. Anything else?

Yes, run off to the gypsy and join the circus.

She's sleeping in Jenny's room, so she can't get me on that. Have I forgotten

anything? There's my black mask candles and sacrificial chickens.

You may yet need them.

Here's the car keys.

Have fun.

I'm sure it's all right David's sleeping over. Sure.

Can I have the bedroom with the milk?

No.

Not all the cash. She's only your mother, Bill. You haven't heard the

about the night the Germans bombed the Odeon. Time to go. Come on, number one

son.

Remember the drill?

Yeah.

It's just a little aid to sanity if she's being particularly irritating.

Just think, it might be the last time you ever see her. Usually put things

perspective.

I have some jobs to do.

Coat on, Jenny.

God, she even smokes in the car. Coat.

It's like kissing an ashtray.

How does she know?

Thanks, Rona.

It's only for two nights. You're welcome.

story when the Germans bombed the Odeon. I don't know that.

You will, Oscar. You will.

What's the matter, Jen?

Rubbing your throat?

Something like that.

Greg, tell us about when the Odeon was bombed.

I'll never forget.

There were bodies everywhere.

There were two identical twins inside.

And do you know...

When they gathered up the bits, they didn't know which bit belonged to which

twin.

I think I'll open the window.

Is this your car, is it?

No, Mum, I told you, it's Rona's.

You remember Rona?

Oh, yes.

So, Mum, where's your car?

It's in the lock -up.

Ben's working on it. Yes, well, I'm still waiting for the right part.

So is Madonna.

Passing the cemetery.

We've put you in Jenny's room, Mum.

Shall I take this up? No, first things first.

David, come on, come on, sit here like that. Come on, Jim, come and sit next to

your gran.

There you are, David.

That's for you.

him watching those, Mum.

Well, he'll see them anyway.

Here you are, Jan.

That's yours.

I hope it's the right size.

Thanks.

Well, come on in. Let's see it.

won't want to change it.

Well, I'll just hang it up then before I get wrinkles.

Right. I expect you're hungry.

Chicken all right?

Yes. Or a nice bit of fish.

We've got chicken.

Grant, tell me again about when the Germans bombed the airport. Why don't

get your things ready for Rona's?

I always find chicken repeats on me.

find chicken repeats on me.

Ben, do you always find chicken repeats on you?

Why don't I go to the chip shop?

Don't go to any trouble. It's just that chicken always repeats on you.

I'll go to the chip shop. Oh, well, you have that, then, and I'll have the

chicken. Only fried stuff goes right through me.

But chicken repeats on you. Yes, but it doesn't go right through me.

I'd like to have some plates and mushroom sauce in the freezer.

Oh, I don't want you to go to any trouble.

It's no trouble.

Do you want a hand?

Fish it is. Everybody happy?

Couldn't be happier.

Good.

By the way, we're sleeping in Jenny's room now. Wouldn't that be fun?

Oh.

Well, I'll just get myself sorted out.

It's upstairs in your room.

Hello.

Hi.

How's it going back at the front?

She thinks I'm borrowing some milk.

I've had to come out for care in the community.

I'm just getting ready for David. You couldn't give us a hand and stash those

the airing cupboard, could you? Oh, yeah.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

Saturday?

To my mother, children aren't something to love. They're something that love

you. Well, you do love her, don't you? Oh, yes, I love her. Just don't like

Hi, Raina.

Hi.

Mother, can I see Scott tomorrow night? What are you doing over here?

You never let us be alone together.

It's like being a nun.

I don't think you'll want Scott to see you tomorrow night.

Why? Because you'll be wearing that nice dress your gran bought you.

You can't make me do that.

Mother, even Doris Day would look dorky in that.

Nice cup, isn't it? Oh, God.

And why have you left her alone with Dad?

I don't notice you rushing back.

Why, Mum?

To save up a person.

Oh, just leave everyone!

Look, your gran's only with us for two nights. Yeah, but... I know she can be a

bit difficult.

Just put up with her with good grace, like me and your father.

Hi.

Just came to see how you were getting on.

Fine, thank you.

Oh.

I'll go back then, shall I? Yes.

You coming?

In a minute.

Me too.

Wrong inflatable.

Hi, Ben.

Hi.

Well, look, we'd better get back before she misses us.

Yeah.

Oh, come on, you lot. How bad can she be?

Hello?

Yes.

Yes, it is. Oh, you remembered me.

Yeah.

That's right.

So hideous.

What was worse for you?

Everything. You?

The same.

Do you think we'll get like that?

No. When I'm old, I'm going to be really weird.

What stories will you tell?

The one about when my wife's mother came to stay.

And they didn't know which bits went with which body.

Stop it. She might hear you.

Let's give her something to really hear.

at least once.

What do you think she's here for?

Just the usual. To make our lives a living hell.

What's that?

Relax. Probably just a serial killer.

She's going downstairs.

Mum?

sitting down here in the dark?

I didn't want to disturb anybody.

You're not disturbing us.

We love having you here.

What's the trouble?

Do you want a drink?

All right, then.

What do you want, coffee?

Well, only if you're my kid.

I seem to be.

Yes, please.

Your coffee, Mum.

In the cupboard by the fridge.

It's tardier there.

Sugar? By the cereals.

Is Benny in bed?

Yes, unless you moved him somewhere else.

I get used to things in certain places.

Mum, do we have to fight over this battlefield every time we see each

Battlefield?

You haven't mentioned what this visit's all about.

Do you remember Connie Wells?

Didn't she used to live opposite you and Dad when you first got married? How is

she? They're burying her tomorrow afternoon.

Is she a friend?

No, not really.

Yes? You know you've got a cobweb up there in that corner.

OK, so you're not going to tell me. Haven't you got a long feather, Duster?

Look, the kettle will be boiled in a minute.

If you want me, I'll be where I belong, in the young daughter's room.

Good night.

I'll be all right.

Just didn't want to disturb anybody.

I think I'll just have two.

Well, make up your mind.

Still?

I'm sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night. A night of pence, please.

You seem rather pence. I'm not.

Oh, no.

Now I've killed an eclair.

Here. I'm still brooding about your mother.

She won't talk to me, Rona. Do you talk to Jenny?

I've done nothing but talk to Jenny since she got up.

She's getting far too serious about drip.

Spin. Scott.

God knows what they get up to when I'm not there to check.

She's becoming so difficult to reason with now she's older.

I'm turning into my mother, aren't I?

Next thing you know, I'll be wearing crimplene slacks and listening to

Newley records.

We all get like our mother.

It's nature's revenge.

I'll probably fill out to 15 stone and be unable to get my bras on without a

team of scaffolders.

So what's new?

Oh, come on, Misery.

Let's play blind date.

All right.

Next one through the door is my partner for the night.

And the experience is going to be like whatever he buys.

You're wrong.

Look out.

Yes?

A sticky bond, please.

And a cream horn.

Large or small?

This way, boys. It's out here.

Very nice.

My husband has been fiddling about, but it doesn't seem to get going, whatever

he does.

Jerry? Yeah? Shut your mouth, mate. There's a draft.

Any good?

I can't tell.

Will you get the circuit tester?

What for?

So I can wire it up to your head and listen to the echoes.

To test the circuits.

All right.

So, you're

in this caper now, are you?

Been a long time, Pauline.

Still with Bill?

Yeah. Two kids.

Should have guessed you'd marry her.

You threw me over, as I recall.

You say.

Funny how things worked out.

Is it?

I still got married in white, you know.

To what's -his -name?

Trevor. Should have realised no -one called Trevor would be up to much.

Oh, I don't know.

Trevor Brookin, Trevor Francis.

My Trevor just manages these days as well.

Here you go.

Cheers. I'll pour the tea.

You know, I think I may have just scored to you.

Don't even think about it.

She'd have you for breakfast.

Anything else, sir?

And, uh, half a dozen of those tots.

£2 .20, please.

Oh, I just thought it.

Next one's mine again.

Now let's go.

She hates me. She told Kevin I was a slag.

She's a slag. She's put it about the whole class.

So I called her a cow in front of Janice.

She is a slag. She just took it. The slag.

Yes. Two jam donuts.

You're out early, aren't you? What? From the Ranked Charm School?

Some of the teachers called a wildcat strike. The whole of the course here got

sent home.

Oh?

Shall we go and see Kevin and Ross?

Yeah, his mum's out till six. And they've a lock on his bedroom.

It's never busy Wednesday.

Thanks. She's probably not doing anything.

Yes, and Bruce Forsythe has all his own hair.

Oh, we're just finishing up. Will you get the receipt book, Gerry?

I'm still house training him.

Can I ask you an honest question?

Depends on whether you want an honest answer.

You still fancy me?

Well, it's immaterial, really, isn't it?

Needn't be.

Oh, yes.

I expect you get called out at all hours.

And what will Trevor do?

Bring on the oranges at half -time?

Doesn't have to be here.

Not hot in here, eh?

What's that mean?

I'm glad I ran into you again.

I just wanted to say thanks.

What for?

That trouble with the van.

Oh, that.

That could happen to anyone.

They're pretty hefty.

Particularly if you can't drive.

They look to me as if you could drive.

I had a few lessons once, but I never took the test.

Why not?

Don't know.

Never had the time, I suppose.

I'm married, you know, with two kids.

That's not who you are. That's what you do.

I never thought of it like that.

Anyway, thanks.

You're welcome.

I'll have to go.

Oh, my God, I forgot. So do I.

Hey!

You never told me who you are.

Jenny?

Jenny?

Oh, no!

All right, you two, I suppose you think...

Just forget about the bloody cigarettes for a moment. This is important.

Oh, well, I know you don't approve, but I just need one.

Oh. I think we should talk, don't you?

All right.

I'm ready.

I really don't know how to begin, except with all those old things.

What old things?

You know, to think that this should happen in my house.

I trust you, and this is how you repay me. Not very original.

How about, um, you're old enough now to know better?

I always liked that one.

So, what's the story?

Your father and I were married for 41 years before he died, and you know how

much I loved him.

And yet, all that time, I never felt really...

you think that orgasms came along in the 60s with the plastic hip joints and

President Nixon.

But we had our moments.

Now, it's just that... I was always so busy cooking and cleaning and looking

after you, it wasn't until quite a long time that I realised that something was

missing.

I see.

Then I met Charlie Wells.

But we were both married and it just wasn't done. So we decided to wait.

And all those years I've been wondering what it would be like.

And today you thought you'd find out.

Yes. And the strange thing is... That wasn't what was missing after all, was

How did you know?

I don't know.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

I'm your mother!

That's not who you are, that's what you do.

Eh?

nothing.

So what you're saying is you waited all this time to find out that it wasn't

worth it.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.

My friend.

She's gone. Can you hear the all clear?

Dad, she's taken my case. Nothing but 90 minutes of gratuitous violence and car

crashes. Good.

Have you eaten?

Yeah, I've got a burger.

Jerry called.

Thought you were home.

I had some stuff to do in the lock -up.

What stuff?

Oh, you know, quite the thing.

Ben? Yeah?

I'm thinking of taking my driving test.

Oh, yeah?

Well, that'll give you the incentive to fix the car.

Car?

You did say you'd been to the lock -up.

Oh, yeah, the car, yeah, right, yeah.

All right.

What is it?

Nothing.

Every time she goes, I always think it might be the last time I ever see her.

Oh, no, not her.

She'll be back.

There's also that.

All right, you two. Ten o 'clock bedtime, the pair of you.

Oh, Mum.

Bed or else. Or else what?

Well, I was hoping to spare you this, but you leave me no choice.

Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Why can't this crazy love be?

I'm done.

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