Original subtitles

That's it.

That's the one.

Makes you a bit wobbly.

So would yours be if you'd spent all winter on your back underneath a ton of

bone meal?

Sounds fun, though.

Shouldn't it be a grill thing?

You see that folded -up tarpaulin in the far corner by the rake? Yeah.

Don't ever look under there.

Told you.

That sucks.

All I know is there's a pool a bit and it moves.

Even E .T. ran out screaming and jumped back in his flying saucer.

You'll see, Phil. You can't let him use this.

Try the hose.

Why is it that for ten months of the year they'd rather enter the Temple of

than the kitchen?

I know.

If we'd ever been on Ask the Family, they wouldn't have had to bother to show

household object from an unusual angle.

They could have just shown a gas cooker from the French.

with my rusty pan full of coal and a chunk of dead flesh and the caveman

instinct comes out.

Oh, there's a snail.

I'll give it here.

A snail?

Well, she deserves it. All I've heard from her for the past month is, good

to prune the roses, Mrs. Porter.

Your rose certainly rambles, doesn't it, Mrs. Porter?

Wouldn't that to borrow our second herd, Mrs. Porter?

I've a good mind to shove a frog up a nightdress.

Is that working?

Rona?

Oh, sorry.

I was just thinking about cavemen.

Is everything all right over there?

Just pruning the roses, Mrs Grimes.

Oh.

All right, dear.

You've started it. You needed it.

Nethered. This is another snail.

Do you have to finish this this evening?

I'm not wasting any time on it tomorrow.

I've got far worse things to waste it on, like the bloody shopping.

Barbecue sauce.

I think that's just about everything that can possibly take the taste away.

Where's Ben?

I hope. He's gone to get the stuff from the supermarket with David.

Ah, good. So it's safe.

What's safe? To talk.

Oh, not quite.

Jenny! What?

I'm listening.

God!

God, she's doing her homework.

I told her if she did it all week she could see drains. Spin.

Whatever.

So then.

So.

I told you, I threw it away.

But you got it out again.

Yes, but I threw it away again.

So, you got it out twice and you threw it away twice?

Yes. Now, how have you still got it?

No, I threw it away twice and I got it out once. Where did you train? The KGB?

I went to convent school, remember?

Sister Virtue was Heinrich Himmler in a wimple.

Oh, I've got to get back and get changed.

I'll get your clothes.

I met an air steward last night.

Oh, I thought they were all gay.

Don't you believe it. Why do you think the hostesses are always smiling?

Not just the oxygen masks that drop automatically.

Just be careful.

I always am.

If all goes well, I might get a free flight on Virgin.

Well, I suppose miracles do happen.

Happy shopping.

Yeah, I'll laugh all the way to the toilet roll.

Here

we

are. Charcoal, wood, fluid, bulk, tongs, and close your eyes, close your eyes.

Buffalo bit.

of the Barbie.

You've got to see this. You've got to see this. One full -size, solid steel,

chromium -plated spit. You can get anything on there.

Chicken, beef, venison, pad rotti.

Very nice.

Where's the food?

Food?

You know, the stuff I prize off your shirts once a week.

Well, you get that, don't you?

Well, what were we going to have?

Fish finger.

I suppose we could thread them onto the spit.

Look, this is a barbecue. I want huge chunks of bloody steak.

With veins in it.

Yes, well, the pixies don't leave it under the rosebush, you know. I have to

shopping. What if some are in the freezer?

Oh, Ben, that's ages old.

No, I've got it right.

Well, if you can get it out, you can cook it.

David.

Right, David, go and get my stone chisel and hammer from the van.

have you? No, I'll open it later.

Not on the table. Yes, my precious.

Shall I find the fire lighters or will you still be blowing on the coals during

news at ten? I think you should know that I've been faking my charcoal

for some time thanks to lighter fluid.

What? Just committing your eyebrows to memory.

in the microwave to defrost? Ben, this wouldn't defrost if you bunged it in

Chernobyl. Oh, you little fake.

Well, I'll do my best.

I'm going to tell you that's a lie. No, not those. I'm saving those. Find some

other paper.

So, it's all over to you then.

Just you relax, my little treasure. Leave it all up to us.

and salad in a while.

Right.

And some garlic for it to go down very well.

And some chips.

And some fried onions.

It's nice to have a break once in a while.

No, it isn't. I like it. It's chewy.

We'll probably get mad cow disease.

I might have known it'd be my fault.

You just don't care, do you? I do care. I just can't stop them. It's a complete

waste of resources.

Like your bra.

Mother!

I'm talking about... about that again.

David, I told you. All women have small bras to begin with. They're nothing

special. That's what a boyfriend says.

eating this anymore.

I'm turning vegetarian.

Meat is good for you.

More, anyone?

I've had enough.

Next time you go shopping, remember, I don't want you to bring home any more

dead animals.

What am I supposed to do, batter them to death in the kitchen?

I'm going upstairs.

You've got mad...

history project.

Oh, it's boring.

Oh, there's the washing up.

History.

All right?

Uh, yes.

My date didn't look like that.

I don't like mine well done. Where it is?

I suppose I'll have to spend a fortune on beans and lentils. A couple of weeks

on that and the ozone layer will be blown away completely.

Do you think it's too late to have them reared by wolves?

A bit tough on the wolves.

Right, then.

Oh, I'm not in love with anything.

You've got to open it sometime.

You know I am about those tax things.

You sent back your return, didn't you? Yeah. And you paid the last demand.

No one did.

Then what is there to worry about?

All right, all right, I'll open it.

In a minute. Now!

I've got indigestion.

Now!

You're getting too good.

Oh, what's it saying?

Oh, it's all right, I'll do it.

Can I see it? Oh, it's nothing. Don't cry.

You've been called in to be the inspector of taxes.

That's correct.

What have you done?

Nothing. You haven't been fiddling the figures?

No more than usual.

Big!

Everybody does it. They know that. It's probably just a routine check.

Try not to worry.

I'm not worried. Good.

Jenny, that's not a prison.

Excuse me, do you mind if I take this trolley?

Tough.

Everybody wants to go on cake.

You won't put me on cake.

Deborah's always on cakes. She don't even like being on cake.

Don't even do check -outs. Just take, take, take for her. You could go on

No, I'd be better on cakes.

You wouldn't be better on Benzedrine.

Well, back to the can, please.

Have you got your number, madam?

Yes.

I'm only serving 47.

There's nobody else here.

This isn't 47.

Well,

it is now.

12 ounces of ham.

You don't get this on cakes.

Please, gentlemen.

How can you eat that rabbit food?

It's revolting.

Can you hear that noise?

What? I think it's the sound of your arteries turning to Portland stone.

20 years' time, your varicose veins will look like an onyx table like the man.

Mama always said that good plain food never hurt my dad.

Leave it, aren't we?

You're not still worried about this tax thing, are you? No.

I've never tweeted anything in the past before. Look, I shouldn't worry about

that. They can go back years if they want to.

Charger for things ages ago.

And demand interest.

Thank you, Claire Rayner and Anna Rayburn.

They even tried to stop me for all the improvements on this place.

What improvements?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

I would.

This was a right sleazy dive when I took it over.

They're doing us entrepreneurs out of business.

Look, they'll haul you over the coals good and proper, but they shouldn't let

worry you. I won't.

I don't expect you'll have to fear too much. I'll declare your wages as well,

you know. Oh, bloody hell.

If you can't pay, they can always seize your property.

No, I don't have any property.

Can we leave this subject, please? Thank you very much.

Did you hear the one of the Englishman and the Irishman and the Scotsman?

Yeah, I did.

Didn't understand her.

And of course, that's how they got Al Capone in the end.

Tax evasion.

Store detective.

Sounds like a show on Sky TV.

Don't try to make friends with me. This is my job.

I suppose you were expecting a man.

Not particularly.

Hoping to talk to him about PMT and hormones, were you?

No man had PMT.

I think you should know this is a waste of time.

I've already called the police.

I've had them all up here, you know.

Duchesses, JPs, and lots and lots of bored housewives.

It's immaterial, really.

Theft is the fame in any clothing.

I am not a thief.

What makes a woman like you think she can get away with it?

Doesn't really matter.

We always prosecute.

I have all the proof I need on video.

Oh, yes?

Yes.

Neither of us have time to waste.

So why don't we just tie this up quickly?

Why don't you just admit you were stealing and save us all a great deal of

trouble?

You don't like being a woman, do you?

I beg your pardon?

I thought not.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. You've got hormones too.

Would you keep them at home in a biscuit tin? What?

If you call me a thief once more, I shall take great delight in...

you for false arrest. Well, we'll see what the police have to say about that.

Oh, no, we won't, I think, because you haven't called them yet.

Oh, you seem very sure.

I am.

First of all, the only people you have evidence against is Harold and Madge

watering down the milkshakes at Daphne's. And secondly, you are carrying

inferiority complex with you, you wouldn't want to miss the chance to

about this room like that demented warder from Prisoner Cell Block H.

That woman is a saint!

security. And while you've been playing the great detective, the real thief's

gone away with a pile of steak.

Now, shall I call a solicitor?

I'm sorry.

I've been rather tense lately.

Most probably PMT.

I can get some leaflets from your doctor.

So you won't be charging us?

Not this time.

Thank you very much.

Is there anything we can do?

Well, yes, there is, actually.

There's a girl on leaves with long, dark hair.

Yes? She's very good.

The manager should keep her there all the time.

It's terrible.

I quite like it.

It's not funny.

It is.

That was funny.

Yeah.

That was funny.

All right, all right.

There you are. Oh, what'd I do?

Nothing.

a pony in the end, you know.

Situation comedy?

Tax evasion.

Look, if you just admit you're worried, I won't think any less of you, you know.

Remember those vows I made?

Richer or poorer?

Thinner or fatter?

Normal or paranoid?

All right.

I am worried.

Fair now.

Don't you feel better?

No.

No, I do.

I think we'll go and look at the garden.

be worried.

Mum? Good, you can help me with the tea thing.

I noticed you never asked David.

Would you want David touching your plate?

Anyway, he's in training to be a man.

Have you washed my blue jumper?

No. You've had all day.

I know, but first Bruce Willis dropped by, tripped down to an edible cheese

drink, then Tom Cruise arrived to wrestle with Rob Lowe in a bar filled

Bailey's Irish cream just for the plate.

Excuse me while I laugh hysterically. Yes, well, starting next week, you can

tidy all bedrooms, including the twilight zone where your brother

maybe you'd like to carry back enough shopping to give Hulk Hogan a hernia.

Oh, can't Dad do it?

Jackie's mother had the woman in to do her hat work.

Jackie's mother is a stuck -up bitch.

This is yours.

Good.

Anyway, I don't suppose you'll be going out with Finn now.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, that is a leather jacket he wears, isn't it? And leather boots.

Or are they made from lentil? Who?

I suppose you think you're being really clever.

Well, either you mean what you say or you don't.

This is what you do to a vegetarian.

I'm not hungry. I think I'll go up to bed.

I'll see you later.

Dad, will you help us with the history project?

Not tonight. Sonny, you're dead tired.

Debbie, go and wash your hands.

Jenny?

What's happened to those old newspapers?

Why? Did you want them?

I thought I did.

I was going to throw them away.

I didn't touch them.

Well, I know Ben didn't. Mum, I want to see you make you some more glue.

I expected you to be halfway to America with Richard Branson in a basket by now.

Don't be snide, Bill.

It was very interesting.

Oh? Do you know in an emergency they can lower their undercarriage using a

handle? You don't say.

Did you try it out?

Hardly fancied him at all close up.

They must breed them with tiny bums to fit between the seats easily.

Far too bony.

I like something to hold on to.

When he bent over he looked like two little cling peaches on top of a French

flan.

But you did sleep with him?

Seemed wasteful not to.

Rona? I know.

What? You've still got that note.

You've been looking shifty all morning.

What happened?

You're looking shifty now.

Well, now you're looking like you're trying not to look shifty.

Sister Virtue would have given you ten Hail Marys and a cold bath by now.

I don't know what to do.

Yes, you do throw it away.

I can't. Why not?

It stuck to a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

There's only one way to put a stop to this.

What are you doing?

Dialing.

Rona, don't.

It's ringing.

No, here.

Hello. I don't expect you'll remember, but you left your number in my van.

That's right.

Um, yes?

What's the address?

Okay, I will.

Bye.

Well?

It was a customer.

I saw the van parked and want Ben to fix his radiator.

Are you disappointed?

Relieved. You didn't really want it to be him, did you?

No. I love Ben too much.

It's just that... I don't know.

What's it all about?

That's what we'd all like to know.

Do not forsake me, oh...

Do not forsake me, oh my darling.

Wait, wait alone.

I do not know.

Any three?

300. Well, that's not too bad.

3 ,000.

What?

Miscalculation on the last three demands.

Computer error.

We don't have that kind of money.

We do now. It's a rebate from Her Majesty.

A rebate? Are you sure?

Diana's going to have to give back that frock.

3 ,000 pounds, 55 ,000 francs.

500 million lira?

No, Dean.

Look, he might come in, so please try to be at your best.

Don't worry. We'll just be ourselves.

Maybe I'll wait for him outside.

All right, but remember the rules.

Straight to the cinema, straight home.

Back by 11.

And straight into the house.

Oh, God! And no alcohol and no sniffing. glue.

Good.

Mother, you're so 70s. Bye, love.

Have a good time.

leather jacket.

He did.

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