Original subtitles

Tuesday!

That's lucky, mate.

I thought I'd missed you and the boys this morning.

Stop.

Not another one. I'll give you a ring, then.

I'll bet.

He's hardly got the strength left to get his key in the ignition.

Jenny! It's five to eight. What are you doing up there?

Can I borrow your razor? No.

Grow a moustache. It's very fashionable.

Who's run out of bread?

Hand me some corn. I'm grinding my teeth anyway.

We'll get breakfast later.

Ben, would you say I could be mistaken for a bin man?

No.

You don't look that good in the mornings.

Today's woman, she's soft, feminine, runs her own company as well as her

and still has time for passion.

Cow.

You should be dressed.

I was watching that.

It's just fairy tales by men with ponytails.

Dressed. She's not there.

Who's she, the cat? Anyway, I don't care what she's doing. She's shaving under

her arms. It's horrible.

Jenny!

Let your brother into the bathroom and leave my things alone.

I've got hair under my arm.

Tie a ribbon in it.

I'll get it.

We're running late. Jenny's discovered puberty and she's keeping it all for

herself. Don't worry.

Hi, Ben.

Hi, Rona.

Ah, you look well.

So do you, my love.

Won't be a minute.

Could do with some coffee anyway.

Couldn't sleep.

How did you know?

You'd be amazed what you'd see in the sanitation department.

I missed something.

What's the story?

I have to be on the other side of town for a boiler.

Or is that the story?

Go to work. Yes, my darling.

Bye, kids.

Mummy's in charge.

So, where are the kids?

Upstairs in the bathroom.

Well, I decided to visit that new place, you know.

I've got the hanky and I'm not afraid to spit on it.

I decided to visit that new place, Brief Encounter. I thought you had all that

underwear stuff.

It's a bar.

A bar?

It isn't like that. It's for singles.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Don't look at me that way. I wasn't going to do anything.

No? No.

Those are for emergencies.

So, what was his name? Mum!

Where's my school bag? Jenny, I'm talking.

Are they school uniforms?

God!

That dingo, I shall never know.

sure you see David across all the roads. Why do I have to arrive at school every

day with a child?

So you'll be the same as all the other girls in your class.

Don't come.

Come straight home, I mean it. Mother!

No hanging around with the rat pack.

She don't understand.

You never understand, you're just my mother.

Wait for me.

Someday I'll see her. Will you shut up?

Someday I'll see her.

I'm sorry, it's silly.

Tissues in the glove compartment.

Under the joy of sex.

I didn't mean it.

She's just a child.

Of the devil.

At least you've got them.

They'll be there in your old age. That's what frightens me.

Oh!

Bum in a jockstrap, not again!

I'll look it up in the joy of sex.

I'll have to flag down a man.

Oh, I can do all that stuff.

Fred, it's your fan belt, darling. Get your tights off.

Oh, God.

I do know I'm sick to death of us looking like a menace on the public

Sorry.

Need any help?

No, thanks.

We'll manage.

OK.

Who am I with Mickey Rourke?

48 hours?

Nine and a half weeks.

Reminds me of him in that.

So does everything.

What is it about leather?

Nothing. Except if you're a cow on heat.

Through here, and that's the boiler there.

Yes, it is.

Can you hear toys?

Um, yeah, yeah, of course.

Oh, that's a bit of a tricky one.

Well, you're the expert.

Yes, I am.

You probably make more money than I do. Yes, I do.

How much do you make, then?

Oh, about 97 thou last year.

You'll have to get that car seen to.

I could get to Scotland in that.

Yeah, but I'm only pushing it as far as Carlisle.

What time is it?

It's three minutes to.

Maybe I'll go back to Brief Encounter tonight and try and meet a mechanic.

Rona? Hmm?

When you wake up in the mornings with these men...

I certainly hope so.

What about Mr Motorbike, then?

Ben had a motorbike when we first met.

I used to ride pillion.

But you wouldn't do it now, though.

No. I look stupid on the roof rack of the van.

Have you seen my sweeteners?

There's some in my bag.

How are things with you and Ben at the moment?

All right.

I mean, are you... What?

You know. I don't. You do. I don't. You do. I don't. You do. I don't. All right,

I do.

Well, last week I did find something nuzzling up to my back.

He's a nuzzler. I knew it. So don't tell me.

He put his mouth next to your ear, you whispered sweet nothings, and then it

started happening.

Yes. A man rang to say his boiler'd exploded.

By the time he got back, he was exhausted.

Since then, I've been exhausted.

You ought to watch out, Bill. You may go looking.

No. Ben carries with him a special safety device to stop anyone wanting to

into his underpants.

What's that?

His underpants.

You're kidding.

You haven't seen them.

I pray to God.

I should be grateful if you could attend at 2 .30 a counselling meeting with a

senior fourth -year tutor to discuss issues arising from your daughter's

behaviour recently.

I should also be delighted if you miss your one and only break in the day, rush

all the way across town and get completely knackered as it matters not

to us.

Yours faithfully, Hitler.

How did it get in your bag?

Well, it wasn't postman Pat.

Made some tea?

I sent him down the warehouse first, then can't do anything till he gets back

with the parts.

I had to take a day off from work.

I married myself.

So am I.

Is this that?

Yeah.

Nice. Yeah.

I'm lucky.

17 years.

Still every night.

They must have got held up on the way.

I have to see the senior fourth form tutor. Where do I go?

Second floor on the left.

Should you be out here?

Well, not really.

Don't you know those aren't good for you?

Now go where you're supposed to be and do your tie -up.

I don't know.

Do you mind if I go in first? I'm late anyway.

You're supposed to.

What have you done, then?

Got sent out to domestic science.

What for?

Listening to MC Hammer during a spinach flan.

He's confiscated me batteries.

Probably wants to keep me in for extra work.

Story of my life.

I'm not bothered.

I'll just tell my mum he tried to look down my blouse.

Why do we have to wait, anyway?

For the traffic light.

What? He's not ready.

Sold that. I've got to get back.

I'm Mrs Porter.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

Ah, we thought you weren't coming.

Yeah, well, I had to wait for a lull at work.

Please sit down.

Thank you.

I expect you're wondering why I'm dressed like this.

I'm the Duke of Plaza Toro.

Dressed rehearsal in half an hour.

Gilbert and Sullivan Club.

Yes, well, could we get down to business? I'm late for work.

Oh, yes.

Mrs Porter, how would you describe your daughter?

Normal.

I'm sorry to have to say that we find her thoroughly uncooperative and totally

uninterested in her schoolwork.

Well, that is normal for a 14 -year -old girl.

We demand from our pupils a respect for the serious work that we're all here to

do. It may seem irrelevant now, but who can say when knowing that the square on

the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the other two sides may be useful in

life? Yes, well, all that's your job. I do my part at home.

I'm afraid it's more serious than that.

Come in.

Ah, this is her form tutor.

letter, Mr. Corringe?

Oh, yes.

Please excuse my daughter this afternoon. She has to see the dentist.

Please excuse Jenny this afternoon. After break, she has a doctor's

Unfortunately, my husband died last night.

Please excuse Jenny this afternoon to help with funeral arrangements.

Forgeries.

Well, they're not exactly convincing, are they?

Is that it?

Jenny seems to spend most of the time she should be working gossiping about

boys.

Oh? It's possible she may be meeting someone.

Well, then stop her.

Outside school isn't our responsibility.

Then keep her inside.

I bring her here, all you have to do is stop her getting out again. That's what

the bars are for.

It isn't cold, it's Mrs Porter.

Well, it should be.

We have many other time -consuming duties.

Yes, I can see that.

All right, I suppose I'll have to sort it out like everything else.

But I tell you one thing.

There better be some improvements in your work. I shall be checking up on

And I don't want to see you in this office again unless there's a very good

reason. Got it?

Yes.

Oh. And the square on the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the

other two sides.

That's the only time I've ever had to use it.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Just a knock.

It happens all the time.

We must stop meeting like this.

I'll catch you later.

Well, haven't you got things to do?

You remember that album?

After the gold rush.

No.

Neil Young. You must remember Neil Young.

No.

Yes, you do.

For a while he was with Crosby, Stills and Nash. You must remember Crosby,

Stills and Nash.

No.

I remember Ragtag and Bobtail.

Well, anyway, they split up and went solo.

Rag tag and bob tag?

Yeah. Rag and tag went middle of the road and got run over by a juggernaut.

Bob tag became Rod Stewart.

Oh, at last.

Now, with a 12mm gas pressure valve cylinder, yeah? That's right.

Out of stock six months.

That'll be all right. We'll clean the other one up.

That'll take a bit of money, then, eh? Not really. We charge by the hour.

Can I use your hair? No.

Hi,

Mum. What's for tea?

Children torn limb from limb.

Can I make something for Mother?

I'm sick of finding food under your bed. It's like teenage mutant ninja

sandwiches up there.

Where's your sister?

Don't know.

Oh, just give me a minute. Go and do something useful.

All right, what's it worth?

Chris!

Behind the pans, under the sink.

Right.

Just where have you been?

And what was David doing on his own? God, it's like a police state.

You need to get those spots seen to, my lad.

Mother, this is a thing.

How do you do?

I'm the woman who's throwing you out of her house. Mother!

Don't mother me.

Now what's he going to think? Someone named after a washing machine cycle is

no position to think anything.

Come down here. I won't. You'd better.

I've had... Just about as much as I can take today.

I know you think I'm just a thing that does everything round here, but what

about me?

I've been to the school.

Oh.

Funeral arrangements.

A bit gross, huh?

Even for an amateur.

Everyone else is a regular boyfriend. I just... I just wanted to see him.

So what have you been doing afternoons?

Looking in the shops.

He wants a motorbike.

A motorbike?

Yes. Have you any idea how dangerous those things are? People are always

off them.

And you know what, Vi? What?

Well, sometimes I don't wear anything under.

Well,

anyway, tell me about rings.

Beardiness. Beardiness.

That isn't his real name.

Really? No.

It's Scott.

Totally nerdy.

Do you like him?

Well, I think so.

And he likes you?

like girls that are interested in bikes.

And are you interested?

I know what you're trying to tell me. Look, I'm not going to give you any

advice. It's not my place. But I will say this.

You're old enough now to be trusted.

And that means no more lies.

Why do you think your father and I respect each other?

Apart from that, because we're always totally honest with one another.

And I expect the same from you now you're growing up.

I understand.

And I want you to promise me that you won't get on one of those dangerous

without telling me first. Okay.

And that goes for the motorbike, too.

You're pretty cool.

As for a mother... Yeah, my bras are built by Frigidaire.

No!

Hello? Hello, it's me.

Hello, me.

Oh, what a day, eh? Oh, it's been awful.

I haven't got... for a minute.

You don't want to be taken apart, major overhaul.

Got a big stereo, have you?

Yes, I am in a bar. It's just a few doors away and Jerry wanted a quick one.

know.

So I'm just here for the one, yeah?

Where is it? I could come and meet you. We could get some takeaway for the kids.

No, you wouldn't like it. It's a real dive. A brief encounter or something.

Yeah.

All right.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, OK.

Bye.

Jenny, I'm going out for a while. You're in charge. Great.

Where are you going?

I think I left my purse at the shop.

David!

I'm in charge.

I'm making sound. No, you're not. Yes, I am. No. Yes. No. Yes.

Hi there, toots.

How about me buying you and me a couple of drafts of love juice?

I'm looking for someone.

Hey, I'm someone.

Would you go away, please?

It's because I'm sure, isn't it? No, it's because you're a brat.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to find my husband.

I could, uh, look around, if you like.

Yeah, you do that.

What's he look like?

and a guilty expression.

Blue eyes.

Guilty. Height?

Average. Four foot seven.

Right. I shall return, sweet lady.

Oh, my God.

Rona?

Hi.

Have you seen Ben?

Yeah, he was here. What's up?

Nothing. I just thought I'd come and surprise him.

Should have seen his face when I tapped him on the shoulder.

I'll bet.

Well, where is he?

He left.

As soon as he found out this was a singles bar, he went back home.

As slowly as he could? No.

Now, come on, Bill. You know him. He was out of here like a shot.

You should have seen him. In case the little woman found out you were in a

-up joint.

Oh, yes.

This is Robbie.

This the little woman.

No offense.

It's just that if I ever get itched, my woman's going to know who's the boss.

I see.

You can't help it.

You've got smaller brains.

He'd better be a damn good mechanic.

Better get back. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'd stay and chat, but this uterus is a mental handicap.

See you.

You find him? No, he isn't here.

Needle there.

Okay, sunshine.

Brown sauce or mayonnaise?

Yo, wild man!

Don't squash it down.

Please. What?

Like this?

Not as bad as your face. Oh, shut up.

So, did your mum get that letter I put in her bag from the school?

Uh -huh.

And?

Nothing. She sorted it out.

Ha ha ha