Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Pulling together, we'll make it right. With help from our friends, I know we

try. Up at no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

No place, John.

Hello,

Margo? Yeah, it's Dylan.

Dylan McMillan. Remember I met you last night? You gave me your phone number? Of

course, the numbers weren't in the right order, but lucky for us, I figured them

out.

Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow night?

Hello?

First she gives me the wrong number, then she hangs up. She's a nut.

Dylan!

A dirty old paper bag. I'm so excited, I'm hyperventilating.

If you think the bag's great, where do you see what's in it? Home money market,

boy.

$250 ,000!

You found this in your limousine? Yes!

I found it when I was just busting under the back seat.

Was there any identification?

Yes, there's a name and picture on every bill.

He's dead.

We're rich!

Yes! We're rich!

Aloha, my little kahuni.

How would you like a Hawaiian lei?

Anytime, my little Hawaiian poi poi.

But we don't leave for another month yet.

Yes, but we got the tickets today.

And I want to make sure you're in the mood, my little waka waka woa.

Well, that sounds very romantic. What does it mean?

Well, when a barefoot Hawaiian steps on a pineapple, he goes, waka waka woa.

Yeah, and I think I got a waka wacky wife.

Well, just wait till you see me in my grass skirt and coconut bra.

Hi, Mary.

Lester. I need to talk to you about money.

I'm sorry, but the Jenkins Savings and Loan Company is closed.

That's right.

No, no, no, no. I don't need to borrow any money because I got all the money I

need.

Woo! Waka, waka, wah!

Looks like your ship came in and you didn't even send one out.

Let's just say my bag came in.

Somebody left $250 ,000 in my limo today.

Ooh, talk about your big tippers. No, no, no, no. It wasn't a tip. It was just

laying there saying, Travis, take me, I'm yours.

I think what he really was saying was, Travis, take me to the police.

Yeah, when whoever that money belongs to gets home, he's going to be mighty

surprised to find out he's 250 grand short.

What are you trying to say?

Turn the money in.

No, really.

Give it to me straight.

Turn the money in.

I knew I shouldn't have come down here.

Pinky Perlman, I cannot give you a good grade.

The War of 1812 was not fought in 1792.

Hey, John.

Well, I did the right thing.

The police have the money. Now all I have to do is wait 30 days.

That's 720 hours.

43 ,200 minutes, 2 ,592 seconds.

That's right, Travis. And Don Pardo, please tell Travis what he's won.

He's not some homeboy money corrupts. I mean, that bread's not even mine yet,

and suddenly I got more friends in this building than I can shake a cash

register at.

Travis, you must be exaggerating. People always like you. I can't believe they'd

act like that.

Hi,

sugar baby.

to a pie.

Here it comes.

What's the occasion, Pearl?

Oh, just trying to be a good neighbor.

If you have an extra pie, share it with your neighbor.

If you have an extra $250 ,000, share it with the neighbor.

Enjoy the pie, sugar.

Don't worry, Pearl. We will.

And don't you touch that pie.

You didn't find no money.

Curmudgeon humor. She kills me.

I still think you're exaggerating. This is just a kooky, zany, isolated

incident. Oh, you're wrong.

Everybody wants a piece of my pie.

Oh, Trav.

It's Julie.

Oh, Lord. How much did I put you down for? How much did you put me down for?

You are breaking my heart.

Oh, here it is.

How can you say that when I've been pacing my penthouse pondering? Why have

been so hostile to you?

Because you hate him.

Oh, Betsy, no.

I think of Travis as a son I've never had.

But you're not my son.

Darn it.

It suddenly occurred to me.

That's why I've been so angry with you, but not anymore.

Oh, fun.

Does this mean I don't have to pay the rent this month, Dad?

Sorry, son. Even a father has to make a living.

Now, I just wanted to stop by and share this revelation with you. So I'd say in

the next, oh, 30 days or so, you'll have the same revelation.

Ta -ta, son of mine.

I have had enough love for one afternoon.

Boy, I'm going to go lie down.

Whoever it is, get rid of him.

Hey, whatever you say, brother of mine that I never had.

Hello?

Hi, I'm Eartha.

Eartha Kitten.

I'm here to see Travis Fillmore.

Travis, get out of here quick. You're not going to believe the wake -up call

you've got.

I told you I didn't want to be bothered by... I

think what he's trying to say is...

Could the two of you please knock off with the aye -aye -aye? Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I know you. You were in my limo yesterday.

It's not easy to forget somebody that looks like you.

Well, it's not easy to forget someone who looks like you, Travis.

Huh? Well, um, uh, pleasure meeting you, Miss, uh, uh, Katz.

Katz.

What brings you here, home kitten girl?

The quarter of a million dollars I left in your limo yesterday.

Huh?

You see, that was mine, and I'd like it back.

Wait a minute. I had a lot of people in my limo yesterday. How do I know that

money's yours?

Describe it as money.

Well, um, uh, ah, it was green, and it had a picture of an old guy on it.

Lovely guess.

You don't understand.

The money's not for me.

It's for those poor, poor little kids at the orphanage.

What orphanage? Well, that's just it.

We need the money to build them one.

That's a nice story.

But you're going to have to do better than that. All right.

No joke, for real.

I'm on the edge of my seat.

The money belongs to my boss, and he's a mean, despicable man.

If he finds out that I lost the money, there is no telling what he'll do.

Nice story.

Very believable.

Two thumbs up.

Then you do believe me. Well, it doesn't really matter anyway, because I turned

the money into the police.

What? You didn't keep the money?

No, I didn't. I gave it to them.

You don't believe me? Search me.

Please.

Search yourself.

You know, Mary, I can't wait to get some authentic Hawaiian food.

Like what, baby? Some papaya McNuggets, French fries, and a vanilla shake?

Gotta go on duty, hon. But Warren, honey, the party's just starting.

Can't help it. I'm going undercover tonight.

Well, where you working?

Now, if I told you that, it wouldn't be undercover, would it?

Bye, everybody.

Bye, hon.

Let's be careful out there.

No problem.

I'd like to propose a toast to Mary and Lester.

Here's to a wowie vacation in Maui. And remember...

My boogie board is your boogie board.

Oh, thanks, Dylan, but I think I'll do my boogie in with Lester.

And I can guarantee she won't be bored.

This is it, everybody.

D -Day Eve. Tomorrow morning, I become a quarter of a millionaire.

Travis Dogg, would you love some pups?

Who was it said, money can't buy you love?

Well, congratulations, Travis. Tomorrow morning, you have 250 ,000 reasons to

get out of bed.

I only have one.

I'm alive.

Travis, you mean to tell me nobody has claimed this money?

Mm -hmm.

I've been calling the police station ten times an hour for the past 29 days.

Well, you're going to have some phone bill. I think when you get the money,

you're going to have to reach out and pay somebody.

I think I'm going to go down to the limo and get some champagne to celebrate

your trip to Hawaii and my trip to the bank.

I'm looking for Travis Fillmore.

That's him.

Mr. Fillmore, the word on the street is you're about to claim something that

belonged to me.

remember sending you an invitation to this party?

Invitations? We don't need no stinking invitations.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt. Could I just move closer to the cheesecake?

The con artist I told you about, the one that said she wanted to build an

orphanage. Well, it looks like she brought one of the orphans with her.

What is going on here?

I want my money.

And I can't get my money until he gets it. And if I don't get it when he gets

it, everybody's gonna get it. Got it?

No. Who the hell are you anyway?

I'm Mr. Big.

Not from where I'm standing.

Obviously, you didn't get the hint. See, this is a private party.

We don't know you. Show the pretty lady our IDs.

Those wouldn't be the little trick guns where the flag comes down and says bang.

Yeah. His says bang.

His says you're dead.

Speaking of dead, I've got a souffle cooking in the oven somewhere.

Let it burn.

I hate souffles.

He probably hates anything that rises taller than he does.

Look, your bigness.

I don't have the money.

It's down at the police station. If you want it so bad, why don't you go get it

yourself? No police.

I didn't think so.

Look, it's me you want. Why don't you just let the others go?

No way, limo man.

We're all going to stay here tonight.

Then in the morning, one of my associates will accompany Prince

claims office, get my money, and in 20 years, we'll all be laughing about this.

20 years?

We have a plane to Hawaii in the morning. Yeah, and the tickets are non

-refundable.

Hawaii will live forever.

Can you say the same?

Mary, don't worry.

Warren's going to come back for us, and he's going to save us, just like the

cavalry. Oh, goody, goody, goody. Just what I need. Hoof prints on the carpet.

Look, let's all just sit down and relax.

Not you.

dips here.

You got that right.

I didn't know the circus was in town.

I take it these magnums are not filled with champagne.

I'm sorry, guys. I mean, if it wasn't for me, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Oh, Tabitha, stop punishing yourself.

Believe me when this is over, we'll punish you.

chill out over there.

Mr. Beer can't think.

What's he doing? His homework?

I've had enough of these guys. Now, a man's home is his castle. I'm not having

any hassle in my castle. Now, I'm kicking butt.

Honey? Honey?

You keep that up, you'll be floating in the moat.

Mary,

don't worry. Any minute now, my warrant's gonna be...

Nobody move.

I'll get it.

This is going to be good. Warren's going to take care of this guy.

That wasn't Warren.

I know he's undercover, Rose, but if that's Warren, he's one of the misfits

science.

She gets out next month.

Why, Vicki, what are you selling this week?

Magazines. Want one? Oh, sure.

Listen, tell your mother I'd like to get a subscription to We're Being Held

hostage magazine.

There's no hostage magazine.

You're right, kid. Here, go buy yourself a candy store.

Nice try, Mary.

Another trick like that and you'll be subscribing to Mortuary Monthly.

I'm hungry. Why don't you fix me something to eat?

You want that with a bib or without one?

You know, you think you're pretty brave because you've got all your gang around

you. But I bet if you were alone, you wouldn't be so tough.

You're right.

In fact, I'm a real pussycat.

A lean, mean, loving machine.

Yeah, but I think she'd have to wind you up first.

I think I'll go to the little girl's room.

What?

From there.

Okay, shortcakes, eat up.

What is it?

Some teeny weenies and a cocktail shrimp.

That does it. Now I'm mad.

If I hear one more short joke, I'm going to get up on a chair and punch

somebody.

Whoa, tension -breaking humor.

That's your best one yet, Mr. Big.

Shut up.

I just saw Warren's car pull up. Pass it on.

Rose just saw Warren's car pull up. Pass it on. Thank God. It's getting a little

gamey in here.

Warren's car just pulled up. Pass it on.

Warren's car just pulled up. Pass it on.

Warren's car just pulled up.

Thank you.

Fellas, let's roll out the welcome mat.

Warren's here.

a Bon Voyage hostage party.

Oh, that's nice.

Who's this?

Uh, this is Julian's date.

Date? Well, she's really not the type of woman a man like could ever resist.

Come to Papa Pumpkin.

Forget him, baby.

I'm your papa now.

with your big, fine self.

Well, Rose, if I were you, I'd be worried.

Mary, wake up. It's morning.

Why does Warren don't make his move?

I think he already has.

Looks like he's moving in with Mr. Big.

It's 8 o 'clock.

Payday.

Here's the plan.

Jones will accompany Mr. Fillmore to the claims office to get my money. That

should take ten minutes.

If it takes any longer, you'll all be sleeping with the fishes.

Except you, my little cupcake.

All right, home hostess boys, I'll be back in a flash. What'd you catch?

Well, I'm leaving with them.

Obviously, you prefer that bimbo over me.

Tramp.

Rose, there's only one guard left.

Why don't you try to distract Mr. Big so the bimbo can make a move?

Good idea, Mary.

But if something happens to me, it's going to be on your conscience.

I can handle it.

Oh, Biggie, don't you think it's time that you should pay me a little

Hey, back off. He's mine.

Hey, looks like I'm going to double my pleasure.

You blew it. You could have tripled your pleasure.

Oh, Biggie, Biggie, you don't need someone like that.

Oh, look, you know you're so handsome.

That's natural.

I'm about to pull my gun out of my four -figure bra.

Our hope is loaded.

No telling where he's got them bullets.

Okay, everybody freeze. I'm a policewoman.

I mean a policeman.

You gotta be kidding.

Too bad.

I had big plans for you.

Careful, Dylan. That's a real gun.

No problem. Mr. Big, make my punch.

Oh, what?

Oh, even in a dress, you're still a hell of a man.

Wait, you see me in my hip -huggers.

Buster, get my handcuffs. They're in my purse.

Julian. Hmm?

You know what? I think we're going to miss the little guy.

Oh, he'll be all right. They've got a prison with his name on it. They do?

Mm -hmm. It's called the Big House.

Fitzgerald, Merriweather, I need backup at 227.

I just collared Mr.

Big.

I got the money!

Okay, freeze, everybody. Nobody move.

Good move, Mary. Now pick up the gun and say it.

Okay,

freeze, everybody. Nobody move.

Way to go, Warren.

Not bad yourself, Lester. All right, move out.

Right.

You'll write to me, won't you?

I'll take this, and I'll take this, and I'll take this.

Money? Does that mean I don't get it? You got it.

What about a finder's fee?

Well, Mary, once again, it's been a delightful evening at Shea Jenkins at

farewell bon voyage party.

The only problem is our voyage voyaged without us.

Damn! We missed our trip to Hawaii.

Oh, that's okay, honey. We may have missed the trip to Hawaii, but we

missed the trip to paradise.

You guys wait right there. I'm going to put on my grass skirt and coconut bra.

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