Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Pulling together, we'll make it right. With help from our friends, I know we

try. Cause there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home.

No place, child.

Mary,

I come to church every Sunday. Why would you make me go on the one Sunday when

the Redskins are playing somebody they can beat?

You're in the right place, baby. They need a lot of prayer.

Good morning, Lester.

Mary. Good morning, Mr. Dawson.

Yeah.

Lester, I just thought I'd mention I'm still interested in buying your

You've been mentioning it every Sunday for the last year, and I've been

mentioning the same answer. No.

You wore your Sunday suit, but you brought your Monday mouth.

Man, that man is a liar and a cheat.

My friends, this morning, my sermon is about choices.

What door to open, what path to take.

What lotto number to play.

The Lord has infinite wisdom.

He doesn't tell us how to run our lives or what to do.

What he does is offer us choices.

That's why he created wingtip shoes and loafers. Now, if

we make the right choice, the Lord will take us to a little town we know as

heaven. We've dreamed about it.

Heaven is a place we'll all be from.

Oh, Mrs.

Pembroke, I'm so glad. you could make it. We have your reservation.

Will that be smoking or non -smoking?

You have smoking in heaven?

Well, let's face it, honey, it doesn't matter anymore.

Honey,

where are we? And why are we dressed like fairy godmothers?

We'll find out soon enough.

Hello, you two.

Well, Welcome to Shea Heaven.

Shea what?

You two lucky kids are in heaven, but you're a little late.

Well, there was a lot of traffic.

Yeah, child, the highway to heaven was backed up halo to halo.

You mean heaven is a restaurant?

Well, now you gotta figure the Lord worked up a big appetite when he was

creating the universe.

Yeah, but how did we get here?

Well, that's not exactly a Jeopardy question. You died.

You know, nobody likes a smart mouth. Oh, loosen up, Mary. You'll live longer.

Let me show you your table. Float this way.

Here you are, our best table, just for you.

Thank you.

Is everything all right, Mr. Shakespeare?

Honey,

look. Shakespeare.

Where?

Excuse me, Mr. Shakespeare.

I have always loved your plays.

Tell me, who really wrote them?

Well, actually, rumor has it that most people don't know

really what's happening. And in fact, I mean...

Ain't that a blip?

Shakespeare at a loss for words.

Or not to eat?

That is the question.

Are we comfy?

Oh, yeah.

Well, if you need anything at all, just ask for me. I'm great.

Great. Amazing.

Here are your menus.

And I especially recommend that angel food cake.

It's our specialty.

I'm confused.

One minute we were sitting in church, and the next minute we're looking down

the Goodyear Blitz.

Well, Mary, Phil Dawson got so mad at me because I wouldn't sell him my business

that he ran over us in the church parking lot.

I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, don't be sorry.

Look at it this way.

We're together forever.

And in heaven.

And we decide it's what we want. Yes, we'd like to find out about our

Well, why don't you go back and see for yourself?

Oh. Great. What do we do? Hail a cab?

Or will Noah take us down in the ark?

Now who's the smart mouth?

All you do is get on the elevator, punch G for ground, but be careful. You

mustn't go below that.

Come on, honey.

Poor Brenda. I bet she's crying her eyes out. Maybe we can comfort her. Wait a

minute. Wait a minute now. She won't be able to see you or to hear you. And

besides, five years have passed already.

But we just died ten minutes ago.

But look at the bright side of it, honey. It only takes us one second to

turkey.

That was some elevator ride.

How can you feel nauseous when you're dead?

Oh, look, Mary. Brenda put our picture up on the wall. Look how happy we look.

Well, of course we're happy. We're alive.

Brenda!

Looks like Brenda's taking over my business. That's my girl. That's a

Hey, honey.

I'm home.

Honey? She's living with somebody.

Calvin, I kill it.

Oh, honey, stop flapping your wings.

Dead folks can't kill live folks.

Dead folks can try.

They're married.

Check out the wedding ring.

It's bigger than the Star of Bethlehem.

Calvin's good. Didn't I always say he was going to make it?

No.

So what's for dinner, honey?

For starters, we have lobster, crab cocktail, the vichyssoise, followed

The coq au vin with the penne sauce, baby carrots, potatoes, and to wash it

down, a 1939 bottle of Dom Perignon.

Hmm. But all we get is a piece of angel food cake.

They sure have chains around here.

I am hungry.

Except for that. Watch for dinner.

Hey, Grandma, I don't think I can say it again.

So, Calvin, why are you so dressed up?

Oh. The man from Time Magazine is coming by. He's going to do a cover story on

me for my work in brain surgery.

Brain surgery?

As a patient or a doctor?

This is the last straw. Do you know Julian has rented out our roof to a

billboard company?

That man would do anything for a dollar.

He wouldn't have the guts to do it if I was still here.

He wouldn't have had the guts to have done it if Mary was here.

Grandma, why'd you have to go and mention her name around Aunt Rose?

No, no, no.

I'm all right. I'm all right. Oh, Rose.

I'm sorry. I won't ever mention Mary's name.

Rose.

Rose, I'm all right.

Listen, the food is great.

Count Baby is entertaining us every night, child.

but Grace told you they can't see or hear us.

You know, I feel a lot better all of a sudden.

Ha! See there, smarty pants?

Amazing Grace ain't so amazing.

Hey, hey, old Sergeant Mark.

And don't forget, your own limo will be here at 10 in the morning to pick you up

so you can find the papers about the Washington Redskins.

You hear that, Mary? The Redskins.

I sure wish Dad was here to see this. So you're still thinking about changing

the name of the team to the Washington Leicester Skins?

Calvin,

I love you, son. Send me a team jacket.

That's my son -in -law there.

Well, I gotta go check on the limo fleet. You know, it's ambassador season

.C.

Hey,

Julie.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

Remind me to burn this suit.

Let me do it.

You got a match?

Well, how are my favorite tenants?

Watch out, baby.

He's got something up his sleeve.

What is it, Julian?

Oh, the usual. I've come here to make a new offer.

Oh, here we go again.

Julian, how many times do I have to tell you Brenda's not interested in selling

the business?

What? Julian's trying to buy my business?

It's not your business anymore, dear. You're out of business.

Now, don't be too hasty to turn down an offer you cannot refuse.

Now, how does $500 ,000 tickle your T -bill, huh?

Julian, please don't insult me. If my father were here, he would laugh in your

face. You tell him, sugar.

Well,

nothing ventured, nothing gained. But if anyone needs me... I'll be upstairs on

the roof discussing the Club Med ad with the billboard people.

That's not fair.

He's talking Club Med and we're talking Club Dead.

Oh, by the by, Rose.

What?

Mary.

Mary, let's go. All this grieving is depressing me.

Bon appetit.

Wow, the service here is great.

It ought to be. The comfort charge is death.

Well, I'm glad Brenda and Calvin are happy. Yeah. All we have to do is sit

and relax and enjoy all the comforts of heaven.

Yeah. Say, Mary, you think they'll allow us to, you know, go in the back and...

Honey, it wouldn't be called

heaven if we couldn't.

to the coin of eternity.

And that side is tales.

The tale of the devil. The prince of darkness.

Old Beelzebub.

Unfortunately, some of us won't be meeting our maker. We'll be meeting the

baker. And I don't mean Sarah Lee.

Satan is waiting for anyone who makes the wrong...

Um, Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, I'm so embarrassed, but there's been a slight

Oh, what is it?

Well, you remember when I told you to take the elevator and punch G for ground

but not to go below that?

Yeah.

Great job.

I think the altitude is cutting oxygen off to your brain.

You're not making any sense.

Okay, here's the skinny.

Get on the elevator.

and punch B for basement.

Are you telling us to go to hell?

Well, let's put it this way.

Here's an asbestos doggy bag.

a little service here, huh?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't honest Jack Grundy, the king of used cars.

We know each other.

No, but about 20 years ago you sold one of your clunkers to a little old lady

from Pasadena.

She only had three days to live and the car died before she did.

Well, a guy's got to make a living, right?

Not anymore, because you're dead.

Gotcha!

Table for one?

Oh, man, this isn't too bad. Hell is a restaurant, too.

I don't care if it's a steam bath. I don't want to be here.

Anyway, why are we here? I thought we led a decent life.

We did.

Uh -oh.

Unless it's that thing I did to old man Wilkerson when I was 11 years old.

Shut up, you two.

Shut up yourself.

You copping a bad attitude.

That's all we got down here, sweetheart.

Our motto is do unto others and then do it to them again.

Well, my motto is I don't like your motto.

Oh, you'll fit in real well down here.

You must be Buster and Mildred Jenkins.

Lester and Mary Jenkins.

Who cares? Follow me.

Your seat, madame.

Don't tip this spoon.

Would you care to hear our selection of wine?

Yes. It's too hot down here.

must be where the star search losers go.

If you need anything, my name is Bernie, with a U. Get it?

I'd be in a draft.

Throw another soul in the body!

Take it like a man, Mom!

Listen, there's been some mistake. Mary and I shouldn't be here.

Oh, yeah?

Tell her, Lester.

Oh, all right, I'm to blame.

Mary was a silly prank. I gave old man Wilkinson a hot foot. Shame on you,

Lester. You didn't tell her the truth.

Mary, we're here because I punched out Phil Dawson on the church steps.

That's why you're here. What I want to know is why I'm here.

Well, I'm sorry, but the wedding ceremony said for better or for worse.

It also said till death do us part.

And at death, I intended to part.

Hey, you guys are better than the entertainment we have down here.

Oh, yeah? What is it? The Morbid Tabernacle Choir.

Well, at least Calvin and Brenda are okay.

Or maybe they're not.

Are they?

You can check it out, but most people are very disappointed by what they see.

Hey, what happened to this place? It looks awful.

I don't know. Maybe Brenda and Calvin were so upset about our deaths, they

it out on the apartment.

There's our Brenda.

You know, ma 'am, I never liked her in that dress. It always made her look fat.

She's not fat. She's pregnant.

How'd that happen?

My guess is a little wine, a candlelight dinner, and a Luther Vandross album.

I just did.

How was work, honey? Did you sell anything?

Nope. People just not buying used bricks like they used to.

Our successful son -in -law sells used bricks?

I always said he was a brickhead.

Guess what, honey?

The baby kicked me today.

So take it back.

This is a wild guess, but I don't think they're happy.

Well, wait, man. We were poor when we started out, but it's kind of romantic,

just the two of them.

Where's my dinner?

I mean, the three of them.

Well, then, honey, why do you look so blue?

I had a bad day, Grandma.

You ain't had nothing but bad days. ever since you married her.

Oh, Shay, how dare you talk about my baby like that, you meal moocher?

They can't hear you. You're boned.

I'm sorry, Grandma Shay. I would have had your dinner ready, but I thought

Calvin was going to bring home some money so we can buy some food.

There you go, blaming my poor Calvin.

If you was a real...

why if you could cook dinner without food.

Poor Brenda.

Looks like we died and she went to hell, too.

Hello. Mr.

and Mrs. Dobbs, my favorite married family.

Say the secret word and a duck will come down and clean this place.

If only we had some money.

I could afford some lemon pledge and some change for the washing machine.

Oh, honey, I can't take it.

And they're so poor, they can't fluff up old.

Calvin, my main married man.

Take a look at these.

Lakers and the Bullets playoff tickets.

How'd you get these?

We astronauts get a few perks every now and then.

Hearing check.

Hearing check.

Dylan McMillan is an astronaut.

He always was a space cadet. He might as well get paid for it.

What do you say? You want to go?

It's a great seat. You know who he's sitting next to?

President Zsa Zsa Gabor and Vice President Cher.

All right, we died right on time.

All right, let's bust a move.

Calvin!

We gotta do something.

Ah, Brenda Jenkins Dobbs. Don't you know what day it is?

No, but I suddenly have morning sickness in the afternoon.

The Jenkins sardonic wit, like mother, like daughter, huh?

Well, today is the day I collect the rent.

You'll get it, Julian.

Gee, I love what you haven't done to this place.

But if I don't get my money tonight, you out in the streets, babe.

Come on, Julian.

Now give the poor girl a break.

Rose, Rose, Rose. Rose, I love you like a sister.

You know, she's been married to Calvin for the past five years, not to mention

having to put up with that mother of hers 18 years before that.

Did I say sister?

I meant blister.

Oh, what a nasty thing to say.

I guess that's why I married you.

Rose and Julian are married?

Yeah. She probably kept an open mind and her brain fell out.

Look, Julian, I don't have the money right now, but I'm working on it. But

happened to all that money I gave you for your father's business?

She sold the business.

$500 doesn't go far these days.

Who negotiated that deal, Daffy Duck?

And besides, Julian, you caught Calvin at a bad time.

He was thinking.

That's why I'm rich and you're not.

Come on, my little love dumpling.

Darling. Hmm? What is on our entertainment agenda for this evening?

Oh, a sweetness. I haven't thought of anything yet.

I know. Sugar lunch? What?

Why don't we put on our best clothing and raise everybody's reach?

Hey, man,

we want to transfer out of this place. We don't like what's happening with our

daughter. What? No hello, no how are you, no nice haircut, Bernie.

Look, cue ball head.

Cut to the chase. We want to see the boss.

I can't get Lou out here.

Lou? Lou who?

Lucifer!

It's his busiest season. He's under a lot of stress, working his tail off.

Too bad. Tell him to get his bobtail butt out here.

All right, but he's not going to like it.

Lou Bell, give up the red courtesy phone, please.

Lou Bell, give up the red courtesy phone, please.

You'll be here before you can say devil eggs.

Sure, because I got a lot to get off my chest.

Somebody a little dissatisfied with our service.

is not married to Julian.

Married to Julian?

Get serious.

She'd rather have a drunken porcupine crawl up her pantyhose.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Daddy!

Lester, what's wrong with you? Are you all right?

Oh, baby, I'm fine.

Everything's fine. I still own my own business. I've got you, and you got me.

Well, that sounds like heaven.

Don't say that.

Nice to see you. Have a nice week.

It'd be a better week if you'd sell me your business. Oh, I love you, Phil. You

never say die. But give it up. I'm leaving the business to my daughter.

You sure you know what you're doing? I do now.

Why were you being so nice to Mr. Dawson? I thought you couldn't stand

can, but I'm going to be nice to him at least until he drives out of the parking

lot.

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