Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can do it. Cause there's no place like

home. With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Mary, your table is beautiful.

You'd think the Prince of Wales was coming over.

Well, child, according to Lester, he's the Prince of Jerks. He's been stringing

Lester along for two months on this big project.

Well, why doesn't Lester tell him to go suck bus fumes?

Believe me, he'd love to.

But this office complex is too important to him.

Well, what's this man like?

I told you, Rose, he's a big jerk.

never met him, but he made his money in novelty.

This is the man we have to thank for the dribble glass, the fly in the ice cube,

and hold on to your hats, the rubber doggy duke. No wonder you put out your

china.

See you later, Mom.

I got a big game today.

Okay, honey, I hope you guys finally win one.

The only way we're gonna win is if the other team doesn't show up.

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Sounds like they play lousy.

Bye, everybody.

Bye -bye. Bye, babe.

Hi, Brenda.

Win one for the Gipper.

What's a Gipper?

I think it's the dolphin that had his own TV show.

Hi, Mary. Here's the finish I promised for the table.

Hmm, is this for my table or Andre the Giant?

centerpiece took on a life of its own.

You can say that again.

With Lepster's work as the inspiration, the roots represent the foundation, the

soil is the concrete, and each flower is a girder reaching ever upward toward

the skyline.

See? Living proof.

Never microwave with the door open.

I'm just kidding. Thank you.

Well, I guess we've finished here, so why don't we get out of here? All right.

Mary, good luck with your brunch.

Thanks, ladies.

You're welcome. And thanks for your help. Goodbye,

ladies. Bye, Esther.

Bye, babe.

Whoo, who died?

Oh, now, honey, Eva worked very hard on this centerpiece.

Centerpiece? They could have filmed Platoon in there.

Everything looks great, baby.

Too bad it's going to be wasted on that fool.

Oh, now, honey, don't be like that. I'm sure Mr. Holliday is going to choose you

to give the contract to. Well, what is taking him so long? I spent a fortune on

this dude.

Theater, games, bowling, motocross. I hate motocross.

That's the way life is.

You got to play the game.

You got to grieve the wheel, pave the way.

In other words, suck up.

If you want to put a name to it.

Oh, honey, I know you're upset because it's taking so long, but I promise you,

when Mr. Holliday gets through with my brunch, I'll have him eaten out of your

hands. Mm -hmm.

Well, okay. Anyway, how do I look?

Gorgeous. So do you. Come here.

You got us a new perfume? What is that? Mm -hmm. It's called Just Say Yes. Hmm.

Yes. Yes. Now, now. Now, now. Now, now. Oh,

that's him.

What's he got, bronchitis?

No, it's a harpo horn. It's his trademark.

Announcing the arrival of the nabob of novelties, Mr. Arnie!

Lester's costing me an arm and a leg to do business with you.

Arm and a leg, that's pretty good, Arnie.

By the way, Mr. Holliday, it won't cost you an arm and a leg if you give me all

your limo business.

Arnie, welcome to my home. This is my wife, Mary.

Mary, this is Arnie Holliday. Well, Lester, I don't care what you said. This

woman is beautiful.

It's not a fun of you, Mary.

Come here, Mary.

Couldn't I just curtsy instead?

Don't be afraid to shake my hand. This is the real me.

Feel my pulse.

Don't you just love it? My latest invention, the pulse buzzer.

Pulse buzzer. I bet the doctors get a big charge out of that.

Good, good, good.

Speaking of charges, I accept all major credit cards.

The first 25 miles are free.

And if you're coming under 20, I owe you money.

Not now.

I mean, Mr. Holliday hasn't even had brunch yet. Yeah, when do we eat, Mary?

This kind of fun works up a real appetite.

Not this way, Arnie. Hey, I'm starving. I want to sit by Mr. Holliday.

You will sit in the limo.

And I'll throw you something through the sunroof.

22nd?

Yeah, Arnie, you sure have your finger on America's funny bone.

I made a miniature version of this that I'm selling in Japan.

So, I understand that Lester is one of the two finalists for your project.

Mary, this is no time to talk business.

You know, Arnie, you're absolutely right, but since the subject has come

I've been considered for this job for about two months now, and I thought by

you might have done something rash.

Like make a decision?

Honey, Mr.

Holliday's right. These things take time. Of course, Lester is the best.

Well, I'll tell you how I look at it.

I've had about enough.

Oh, honey, you couldn't have had enough. Why, we need more coffee.

Would you help me in the kitchen, dear? I'll give you a hand. I'm afraid you've

given us enough hands already.

Mary, if that man isn't out of our house in ten seconds, I'm gonna beat him to

death with one of his own rubber arms.

Honey, calm down.

Now, get hold of yourself.

I'm sure by the time brunch is over, you'll be the one he picks to build his

project. Yeah, he'll probably want me to build it out of silly putty.

Well, look at it this way. After you build his office complex, you'll be able

build our office complex.

Yeah.

Okay. Thanks, babe.

Let's go.

Still here.

I see.

So, how do you take your coffee? One fly or two?

Funny lady. Funny lady. Well, how about it, Arnie? Is this a better time to talk

business? Lester? Oh, no, that's all right, Mary. As a matter of fact, I have

made a decision.

And?

Well, you're not going to like this, Lester.

And to show you that I got heart, I don't like it either.

And I'm, uh, I'm going with the other guy.

What? Well, it's a bigger company. This project is just too important to go with

an outfit as small as Lester's.

Well, my company was just as small a month ago. What took you so long to

Well, I'm a very cautious person. I like to make sure I'm picking the right man

for the job.

Arnie, the small businessman is the backbone of this nation. The big guys

margin for error, but guys like me do it good and do it right because we have

to. You know you make a point.

But business is business.

Mary, Lester, thanks for the hospitality, okay?

Anytime. Okay.

Love you. I mean it.

Oh, I forgot my briefcase.

I got a million of them. A million of them.

I will kill him! I will kill him!

First I'm gonna kill him, then you can kill him.

Oh, what happened to misplay the game?

I could have withdrawn my bid a long time ago, last week. But no, you wanted

invite him to brunch.

Well, you like my keys.

What is that?

I'm gonna go lie down.

Mr. Holiday can't do that to my Lester.

Holiday. Holiday.

Hello. We can't come to the phone right now, but your call is very important to

us. So when you hear the beep, you know what to do.

Oh, yeah, I know what to do. Come on.

B, come on.

Hello, this is Mary Jenkins calling.

Listen, you doggy -do distributor.

I don't know who your mama was, and you probably don't either.

But she must have really hated the world to bring you into it.

I mean, how can you sleep nights stringing my luster along like that?

You, you bug -eyed, tight -lipped, prank -playing, key -sheeting fool.

Oh, by the way.

Your black box is dead, too.

Larry, did I hear you talking to somebody?

Talking? Yeah. Did you say talking?

You. Arnie, you forget something?

Well, you might say that.

When I was walking downstairs, I got to thinking about what Lester was saying,

and I realized that I started out small myself.

Heck, I only had six plastic cockroaches and one whoopee cushion.

Look where I am today.

Now when people think stupid, they think holiday.

Anyway, congratulations, Lester. The contract is yours.

What? Thank you. Mary, you hear that? It's great.

Uh, yes.

Contract's yours.

Certainly something to phone home about.

I hope Mary's brunch helps nail down Lester's project.

I hope to have some leftovers.

I know what'll get this guy's business.

If I replace the back seat of the limo with a giant whoopee cushion.

Mary, what are you doing out here?

Rose, I have just put my foot so far down my mouth that I am going to need a

shoemaker to do my dental work.

That sounds painful.

What are you talking about?

Well, first...

Mr. Holliday told Lester he didn't have the contract, and then he left. Then he

came back and told Lester he did have the contract.

So what's the problem?

So, this jerk called that jerk's answering machine and left a message

out Downey Morton Downey Jr.

Wait a minute.

That's going to blow my limo deal.

It doesn't have to.

Not if you take me to Mr. Holliday's house so I can erase that message.

You're the only one that knows where he lives. Please.

No problem.

Well, Mary, is there anything that we can do?

Yes. Lester and Arnie think that I came down to Travis to get champagne from his

limo. Go upstairs and keep him up there till I come back, no matter what it

takes. Okay, come on, Eva.

You go to Pearl. Okay.

All right, let's go, Mary.

Hey, guys.

Where you going?

Travis, you said you'd take me down to the library.

If I don't get these books back by the end of the day, they're going to take

away my license.

What license?

A reading license.

on the way back. My future's at stake. Let's go.

Yes? Hello, Mrs. Holliday.

No, I am Greta the nanny.

And who are you?

Um, Mary.

Mary Bell from the phone company.

You probably know my mama, Ma Bell.

How about Fra Bell?

with our phone.

Is that the clown?

Oh, did you bring me a present for my birthday?

Oh, no, honey. I didn't know it was your birthday.

Greta, you know what to do.

Yeah.

Well,

clowns, huh? She wants the clowns, I'll send in the clowns.

I was not part of the deal.

I feel like the Ringling brothers and their sister.

And we look like the Ringling brothers and their sister.

Now remember, you guys keep them occupied while I search for the

machine. Okay.

firm I passed on the way.

It wouldn't have taken this long if she had to stomp the grape.

Lester, I can't wait any longer. It's my daughter's birthday. I gotta get home.

Oh, Arnie, you can't go.

We're just getting started.

Uh, ladies, the floor show is over. It's time for the door show. Arnie has got

to get home.

Oh, Lester, he can't. Why not?

Uh, the limo's gone. That's it. The limo's gone. Yeah, I forget the limo.

take a taxi. No, better yet, I'll drive you. You can't go in.

A guy with a bucket on his head.

Gosh,

you kids are jaded.

Now entertain the children.

Did you find the answering machine?

No. And I looked everywhere.

It's got to be in here.

where would that weird man put me?

is my gig.

Well, senor Ho -Ho, as you can see, there are three clowns here already, so

can go back to Mexico.

Please, please don't fight in front of the children.

Who cares about the children? I got a career to worry about.

Well, we were here first.

Okay, uh, I'll flip you guys for the job, okay?

Heads or tails?

The show is time to go.

Hold it, hold it, hold it. A challenge is a challenge.

We're going to juggle. You first.

You know, there's something strange about these clowns.

What's going on here?

Well, when you didn't give Lester the contract, I was so mad at you that,

I kind of called your house and left sort of a message on your machine.

Mary, you didn't... No, no, wait a minute, Lester. What kind of a message?

Well, let's put it this way.

It wasn't a candy gram.

Boy, this doesn't sound too good. Look, Arnie, I understand if you don't want to

give me the contract after this.

Look, Lester, I'm not a vindictive man.

Wacko, yes.

But not convictive.

I can understand how upset you must have been, Marion.

I'm not going to hold it against you.

Contract's still yours, Lester.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Holliday.

Oh, thank you.

Arnie, you won't regret it. I'll do a darn good job for you. I know you will.

Oh, I will. I mean, he will.

I mean, we all will.

Honey, why did you say this man was a jerk? He's really a nice man.

By the way, you know, the phone call to me, you must have dialed a wrong number

because I don't have an answering machine.