Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those flame away Pulling together, we'll make it right

With help from our friends, I know we'll get by Cause there's no place like home

With your family around you, you're never alone When you know that you love,

you don't need to roam Cause there ain't no place like There ain't no

place like

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place like home.

Brenda,

I need your finger to tie this bow.

I will if you sign this permissions list.

Oh, is this the new Christmas rule? I need permission to tie a bow?

No, Mom, this is about my Christmas ski trip. We can't put it off any longer. It

starts tomorrow, and I can't go unless you sign this.

Honey, this will be your first Christmas away from home.

Are you sure you want to do this? Yes. See, you're having second thoughts

already.

Oh,

I'll think about it.

Hi, Mary. Merry Christmas.

Oh, Mary, I made a fruitcake for your party.

Pearl, you made a fruitcake last year.

It's the same one.

I'm going to keep on making it until somebody eats it.

And I baked you some Pfeffernuss.

Gesundheit.

No, Pearl. Pfeffernuss are Swedish Christmas cookies.

Pfeffernuss. Oh, let me see.

Fabulous.

When I finish these, I'll start on your fruitcake.

Finally.

That must be Rose.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, girl. Hi.

I just dropped by to let you know that I will be bringing the eggnog for your

party. Last year, you had too much egg and not enough nog.

Well, Pearl, it was a family party.

Oh.

Oh, Rose, are we finally going to get a chance to meet your new boyfriend at the

Christmas party?

Yes, the mysterious Warren.

Oh, who? made the Pfeffer news.

You see that? She did it again.

Every time we mention him, she changes the subject. If you ask me, I think he's

on the most wanted list.

He is.

Mine.

See, that's why I don't want to talk about him. I don't want to jinx him.

Well, good. Don't talk about him.

Let's talk food.

How big a turkey you getting, Mary?

Well, if I invite Julian, I won't need a turkey.

I wanted this to be a merry Christmas.

Okay, Mom. This is positively the last time I'm going to ask you to sign this

paper. Good. No, Mom.

This is the last time. Mom, can I go?

Honey, it just doesn't feel right, your being away for Christmas.

Besides, I know your father won't like it.

He bought me the ski outfit.

Yes, but to wear around the house.

Mary, you know, I've been listening to this conversation, and you know what I

think? I think she wants to go skiing.

You know, Eva, I've been listening to you, and you know what I think?

I think you ought to give me back my business.

Please.

Oh, all right.

Thank you.

Such a good mother.

Happy skiing and Merry Christmas.

Congratulations, Brenda.

Yeah, good luck, Brickley.

I didn't mean that.

Wait till I tell the girls.

Oh, my little bird is leaving the nest.

And she's been replaced by a big buzzard.

I'm sorry, Mary, but I've been getting a lot of complaints about your garish

holiday decorations.

Complaints from who?

Me. This week, this stinking up the hallway with pine scent and that candle

the window is attracting moths.

And other pests.

Julian, why do I get that distinct feeling that Christmas is not your

time of year? Oh, I suppose you enjoy the pressure of buying a gift for the

world and his wife.

Standing in those long, long post office lines and sniveling over those sugary

Charlie Brown specials.

Then I suppose you really wouldn't want to come to the Jenkins' annual 227

Christmas Eve caroling party.

Ladies, I would rather watch snow melt.

But since you're all so bound by tradition...

Let's not forget the traditional tipping of the landlord.

Right. And I've got a special tip for you this year. Oh, good.

Watch out for the door.

Ho,

ho, ho, homeboy.

I'm ho, ho, ho.

Hey, Travis.

Hey. I finally figured out what to give my parents for Christmas.

A sack of dirty laundry?

No, no, no. Besides that.

You know, it occurred to me while I was listening to the Bingmeister sing, I'll

be home for Christmas.

Why not get them me for Christmas?

Don't they have one already?

I'm not sitting under the Christmas tree, so I'm off to Connecticut to

my folks.

You did that when you were born.

Funny. A yuletide yuck. You're killing me.

I gotta go. I love you. your present under the tree. Thanks, Dylan. Well, I

as well give you your present now.

I'll drive you to the train station.

I don't want to take to pick that out.

I've been working on it for months.

Wait a minute.

Christmas flash.

Why don't you drive me all the way to Connecticut? My parents would be so

shocked to see me, they won't even notice another mouth to feed.

Oh, Dylan, thanks for the warm and toasty thought, but I gotta work. You

Christmas and New Year's is the busiest time of the year in the limo business.

Hmm. Woe is you.

Well, I'll be thinking of you while I munch my mom's mince pie and figgy

pudding.

Aw, man, it looks like you're gonna miss Mary's party, too.

Holy etiquette alert, Travis.

I better RSVP and tell Mary I'm not gonna make it.

Well, feliz navidad, mi amigo.

God bless you, tiny Trav.

Thanks for letting me down, Easy.

No, no, you don't understand.

I've finally been invited to the Van Gogh Paintbox Festival.

Want to hear about it?

Van Gogh? I'm all ear.

Well, it's a retreat to meet other artists and have my work critiqued. I've

on the waiting list for months, and I'm leaving tomorrow.

Oh, well, that's great.

That's a wonderful opportunity, Eva. But I'll miss you.

Oh, you're not angry.

Oh, of course not. There'll be another party next year.

Oh, no, I don't think I can come next year either. They're already talking

a Toulouse -Lautrec retreat.

Bye. Merry Christmas.

Well, it'll take her a year to learn how to walk on her knees.

You leave it to me.

Mary's my friend.

I'll handle it.

Okay. Handle what?

Tell her, Calvin.

We're not going to be able to come to your party tomorrow night.

My cousin Bertha invited us over to a Christmas reunion.

I thought you two hated each other. We do.

That's how come I'm going.

Yeah, cousin Bertha think it's time to bury the hatchet. She got to take it out

of my back first.

Okay, I understand.

Blood is thicker than eggnog.

Well, I'll miss you. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you, Mary.

Bye.

Well, on to the incredible shrinking party.

Boy, that tree sure looks great. It's a shame nobody's gonna see it, but you and

me and Sandra and Rose and Rose's unknown boyfriend, if there is a

She hasn't had a boyfriend all this time.

Would you hush?

Hi, Mary.

Lester. Hi, Rose.

Here's the eggnog for the party.

Mary, you're gonna kill me.

Why, is it that bad?

No, but my news is, you're not coming to the party. See, I knew you'd

understand.

And what is your excuse?

Well, my boyfriend Warren invited me to a party, so I can't come to yours. I'm

sorry. See, I told you we're never going to meet this guy.

Sure you will, but it just won't be tomorrow night.

Oh, come on, Mary. You won't even miss me at your party.

Besides, Sandra's going to be there.

Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody. You mean I get to have her all to myself?

Sandra is your only guest?

In my other life, I must have done something pretty rotten.

Yeah.

Reindeer ground.

I sure hope your house broken.

I'm Rudolph the Singing Reindeer with a telegram from Sandra Clark for Mary

Jenkins.

That's Mary Jenkins right there, that first lady.

Hmm.

I won't be at your party because I'm in the Bahamas.

Sandra Clark is sending her regrets. Okay, yeah, let him go now. She met a

man. He's got a nice yacht. You better get out before you get shot.

And then there were two.

Hey, babe, you're not still upset about the party, are you? Of course not.

I'd rather be alone with you.

Yeah.

Uh, Mary, can you reheat a turkey?

Yeah, why?

Uh, you want to go in the bedroom and see if Santa's come yet?

All right!

Oh!

Somebody's always blocking my exit.

Hello! Huh?

Oh, hi, Sam.

What?

What happened?

Oh, some blockhead ran a cement truck into the lobby of the new Oldham

and damaged one of the support beams.

Well, it's not your fault. Why do you have to go? Mary, I got to make sure the

building's not going to collapse.

Baby, you got a bad back. You can't hold up that building.

Look, Mary, I'm sorry, but I'm the boss. I'm responsible.

But I hate leaving you alone on Christmas Eve. You going to be all

Yeah, I'll be okay.

Hurry back.

Okay.

Silent night.

Lonely night.

To be jolly. Ah,

boy.

I'll just pretend the guest was still here, and I'll open my presents.

Oh, Brenda, what did you get Mother for Christmas?

Oh, do Mom love Brenda? Well, I'll just see what it is.

You brought me something you wanted to wear again, huh?

Well, I'm going to fix you. I'm wearing it to church on Sunday.

Pearl, don't you ever stop eating.

I can't talk now, Mary. My mouth's full.

Eva, where are you going?

Oh, Mary, I have to go back upstairs and get my ice culture of the nativity.

He's coming down the chimney in half an hour.

Rose, I didn't recognize you.

busy caroling party and i didn't i just came to complain

about all this rambunctious hey

babe babe

want to go in the bedroom and see if santa claus has come okay

well i got to go babe

Who am I fooling?

There's no reveling going on around here.

This is supposed to be the happiest day of the year, and I'm miserable and

alone.

Alone?

I don't have to be.

Who is it?

Reindeer!

Well, if it isn't little Mary Mistletoe come to spread some Christmas cheer.

What is it you spread, Mr. Ghost of Christmas Annoying?

Now that we have these pleasantries out of the way, what do you want?

Well...

I was feeling bad because you were all by yourself.

Well, that's very touching, Mary, but I'm fine.

In fact, I am better than fine.

I'm busy grouting the tile in my tub. Goodbye.

Nobody should be alone on Christmas Eve, not even you.

Unless they want to be, which I do.

So go back to your party, Mary.

Or is it so?

Dull? That you had to come up here for amusement?

Dull? My party dull?

Oh, honey, we reveling downstairs.

I think the music is jamming and the pheffanus is flying.

I'm surprised you haven't heard it up here. Well, I wouldn't anyway. I always

blast my Walkman when I'm grouting my tiles. So dash away, dash away, dash

you.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was

stirring, not even my spouse.

Stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but who the heck cared? Nobody was

there.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Oh, Brenda, honey.

Where's the party?

Oh, everybody canceled.

What happened to your ski trip? No snow?

I felt crazy being away from home on Christmas, so I came home.

Oh.

Where's Daddy?

Oh, we had a building emergency.

I wonder who that is. Probably somebody canceled the next year's party.

Merry Christmas!

Travis!

Hey, don't tell me the party's pooped already.

I thought you were working.

I was. I was driving these people to this Christmas party, and they were

and joyous and everything, and I said to myself, Hey, homie.

How'd you do with your friends?

And just then, I spotted these two hailing an ordinary cab.

Pearl, Calvin!

What happened to Cousin Bertha? Don't mention that old bag's name to me.

Oh, Mr.

Jenkins, it was an ugly sight.

What, Bertha?

Huh, too.

It wasn't that no more than five minutes before Cousin Bertha started arguing

with Grandma over the same thing they've been arguing over for 25 years.

What was that?

I forget, but don't mention the name no more.

Where is the food?

but I can get it right back out. All right. Come on, Brent. I'll be right

I'll get it.

Oh, boy!

Yahoo! Merry Christmas.

What happened?

I go to Connecticut to my parents' crib to surprise them, and surprise, they're

in Bermuda. They've decribbed.

Hey, Dylan!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

It was a disaster.

The place was overwhelmed with neo -abstract minimalists, and you know how

are.

Child, I know what you mean. I cross the street every time I see them.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Hey, everybody!

Merry Christmas!

Gross!

Oh, well, what happened to Mystery Man Warren's party? Well, we went to his

party, and after his friends checked me out, I am...

that he'd come with me to let my friends do the thing.

Warren's downstairs parking the car.

Shut your mouth. You mean I'm actually going to get to meet him?

Warren! I'm in here, baby!

Everybody, this is my boyfriend, Warren Merriweather.

I ain't got no hair!

Show them your hair, honey.

Hello, everybody.

Warren, this is my best friend and our hostess, Mary Jenkins.

I'm tall, not deaf.

And this is Mary's daughter, Brenda. Hi there.

And over here, we have Dylan, Calvin, Travis, Eva, and Miss Pearl Shea. What's

up? Pleasure.

You know what? We thought we were never going to get to meet you. This woman has

kept you a great big... I mean, a little... I mean... It's all right.

Really, I don't mind.

Oh, excuse me. I brought you a gift. It's a magnum of champagne. It's in the

hall.

Sorry. Oh, Mary, he's so wonderful.

But he is a little klutzy.

Oh, no, Rose. I think he just has problems adjusting to his height.

Uh, no, he's klutzy.

I'll bring you another bottle tomorrow.

Oh, Juan, that's okay.

Come on, join the party.

Come on, hon.

So, uh, what do you do for a living?

Home big boy?

I work undercover.

As what? The Washington Monument?

The Washington Monument.

Get it?

Heard it.

Heard them all.

Daddy! Ah, honey!

Hey, Brandon, what you doing home?

Man, where all these people come from?

Santa Claus brought them.

They all decided to come back.

Well, what happened to the building?

Everything's fine.

Oh, great. Come on, I want you to meet Rosa's boyfriend.

You mean he's real? Yes.

Honey, this is Rose's boyfriend.

Why? Lester, what are you doing here? I live here. Get out. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Now, you mean to tell me you two know each other? Sure.

Well, I was walking the beat when I was putting up the Johnson Medical Building.

Good to see you, man. You too.

Well, Lester, I'm two -three with you.

Why? You knew this man all along and did not introduce him to me. Rose, I didn't

think he was your type.

Lester, he's a man, ain't he?

I think this calls for a toast.

Yeah, everybody get a cup.

Yeah.

To the happiest and merriest Christmas of all.

God bless us, everyone.

Thank you, Tiny Dilly.

Oh, wait, wait.

Everybody's not here.

But Mary Saunders is in the Bahamas.

Yeah. I had no bajillions upstairs alone.

She doesn't feel feverish.

See, but I was alone for a few hours this Christmas Eve, and it felt rotten.

wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, not even Julian.

So come on, let's drag him down to the party.

Yeah, she's right.

She's right.

Hi.

Merry Christmas.

Well, Merry Christmas. Is Mr. Barlow in?

You chill out.

I am not Julian. I'm Santa, see?

All right.

Santa, this I gotta see.

Well, I don't. These are on loan from the local orphanage.

I give them a party every Christmas.

You? Christmas is for children.

But everybody's so wrapped up in their own gift -giving frenzy, they forget

there are kids like these that need to be taken care of.

Come on, Santa. We have to finish trimming the trees.

Well, what is your name?

Jimmy, are you Prince of Santa?

Well, tonight we are.

Looks like you have your hands full. Could you use some help? Yes, I could

some extra elves.

I'll volunteer.

I'll have us some elf impersonators. Well, Santa's can't be choosers.

Perhaps you could set up the food and bring us some more gifts in the bedroom,

would you please? Okay, Santa, you got it. Thank you. Come on, kiddies, let's

in the kitchen.

And here I thought you were mean and rotten.

I am.

And if you dare leak this incident to the outside world, the next time you

a shower, you'll get frostbite.

Glad to see the suit hasn't changed you. Hey, what's Christmas without some

music?