Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right. With help from our friends, I... Before

we get tired Cause there's no place like home With your family around you

You're never alone When you know that you love You don't need to roam Cause

there ain't

Okay, Pearl, what do you think?

Long time no see. B -M -O -C.

I thought the banner was for Calvin.

It is. B -M -O -C.

Big man on campus.

Ooh. What'd you think it was, a rap group?

I bet you're really excited to see Calvin.

Well, I won't be excited about the 40 pounds of laundry he's gonna bring home

with him.

That's how you know your parenting job is over, when they finally start to

and fold for themselves.

Mr., is Calvin home from college yet?

You don't see me ironing, do you?

Calvin's taking me to dinner and a movie tonight.

Uh -oh. Looked like Calvin's gonna hit you up for more than the laundry

Hi,

Daddy. Hi, Sheldon.

Oh, what a rough week. All I can say is T -G -I -F.

T -G -I -F -B -M -O -C. Don't nobody use words around here anymore.

Hi, bro. Hi, babe.

Hi. Oh, what a nice banner.

Brenda, what's that stuff you got all over your chest?

Medals. Aren't they fresh?

I got them from the army surplus store. This one's for valor, this one's for

marksmanship, and this one's for the invasion of Guam.

Aren't those my old army dog tags?

Uh -huh. You don't mind, do you, Daddy?

No, just don't lose them. There's a lot of memories attached to those things.

I've heard those memories so many times I qualify for the GI Bill.

Oh, come on now, Mary. You gotta admit to it. Great stories. Like the time we

had that big inspection and one of my buddies glued my boots to the floor. Mm

-hmm. And the colonel came in and ordered you to demonstrate an about

you tried it anyway and ripped the boots off the soles.

And they got your pay for destroying Army property.

No, baby, I don't think we heard that one.

Okay, all right, all right. Make fun of Yvette, but while you were saving your

beds, I was making Korea safe for Mr. Hyundai.

Come over here and give your grandma a big hug.

How you doing, Mrs. Jenkins? Oh, hi, Calvin.

Hi, Calvin. Hey, friend. I can't wait to hear all about college tonight.

Oh, I don't think it's going to be it tonight. I got to stay home and study. I

got a big test on Monday.

Oh, I told everybody I was going out with a college man tonight.

That's okay, honey. Maybe the dean's not busy.

I'll be at it all weekend. This calculus has got me whooped.

Well, I'd help you, honey, but I have trouble making change.

I thought college was supposed to be fun.

What about all those frat parties I'm always hearing about?

And that's all you better do is hear about them?

They're supposed to be great. I mean, guys dressed in togas, they have Belgian

contests, they get sick all over the carpet. I mean, that's the kind of fun I

thought I was going to have, but I'm always studying.

That's too bad your homework is interfering with your college career.

You can say that again, Mr. Jenkins.

Oh, now, come on, Calvin. This is your first year. Everything's tough the first

time. I felt that way about Army, but it turned out great. Yeah?

Sure. I had a good time in the Orient. We partied from Hong Kong to Tokyo, and

the best thing was Uncle Fam picked up the tab. Yeah, you didn't have to know

calculus to have a good time.

Heck no. All you had to know was the three W's. Wine, women, and whoopee.

Excuse me.

What wine and what women?

Oh, baby, I was talking about the 80 -year -old tour guide who took us

the Zen Museum of Motorcycle Maintenance, that's all.

And I bet her name was Whoopi, huh? What else?

So tell me more about Tokyo. Hey, look, you haven't had R &R until you had it in

Tokyo, baby.

Uh -oh, R &R.

Brenda, that means retreat from the room. Come on.

Wait for me.

And you call yourselves Americans?

Mr. Jacob, tell me more about Tokyo.

Look, there's the words, geisha girls light your fire. Yeah.

You see, me and a couple of brothers. All right.

This is for two weeks worth of vacuuming.

I hope you're ready. Cool.

Uh -huh. The Dylan McMillan Lena. I win. I win. Please, no photos. Put away that

condom.

It ain't over till the homeboy pictures.

Stand back.

Give me some room.

Give me some room!

Where do you get all this from?

Hey, Grandma, what's up, guys?

Calvary, what's happening?

How's the BMOC?

Ah, here they go again.

I've had enough of this B -U -L -L.

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, I'm glad you're here. I was just about to make a very important

announcement, and I want you to hear it, too.

You switched to solid -stick deodorant.

Master Sergeant Jenkins, Private Calvin Dolls reporting for duty, sir.

Calvin, what are you talking about?

Calvin, I think you've been watching too many G .I. Joe cartoons.

No, I went down to the Army recruiting station and enlisted.

What?

I think my hearing's gone.

I could have sworn I heard Calvin say he had enlisted.

You mean you actually joined the Army?

Well, I don't sign up until Monday, but I took all the aptitude tests, a

complete physical. Oh, Mr. Jenkins, why did they make me cough?

Calvin, we'll talk later, okay?

You better tell them you've changed your mind, or you won't be able to cough

again.

No, but you can't give up college. That's like giving up your future.

Well, it's my future.

Well, what about your grandmother? She's worked long and hard to save money for

you to go to Morgan State.

A college education is the most valuable asset you can own. In college, they can

teach you how to be a doctor, an engineer, or a teacher.

And if worse comes to worse, you can even be a lawyer.

Cal, look at me. You've got to stay in school.

You've got to stay in school. I mean, I regret that I didn't go. Look at me now.

I own a limo, and in a year, I'll have another one.

Then three, four.

Next thing you know, I have a whole fleet, and I'll be a millionaire.

What would all that mean without a college degree?

Hey, you convinced me.

My grandson's gonna die. He's going into the army.

Oh, girl, he's not gonna die.

There's not even a war on.

I know. I'm gonna kill him.

Well, Mom, I'm just not enjoying myself in school.

I mean, this army thing sounds great.

I bet it's as much fun as Mr. Jenkins said it was going to be. I'm going to

him, too.

Look, Mary, don't lay this on me. I didn't make Calvin join the army. I was

reminiscing. They were great days.

Mm -hmm. See? There he goes again.

Good old army days.

Carousing with your buddies. The mysterious Orient.

Nights in Tokyo.

And while we're on the subject, I want to know more about those geisha girls.

Look, Mary, that's all in the past. That's all water under the bridge over

River Kwok.

Daddy, Calvin.

to talk him out of joining the army. He sits through Rambo with his eyes

covered.

Why don't you tell me about the army days that weren't so glamorous?

Yeah, tell me about boot camp. You always complained about that.

It toughened me up. And what about reveling? It got me up. The damn

was right over my bed.

That's something that wasn't so great.

And tell me about those rules and regulations.

You weren't that crazy about them.

Look, Daddy, that's Calvin. Please, you got to talk him out of this dumb idea.

Yeah, well, maybe I didn't give him a full picture of Army life.

You got that right, Beetle Bailey.

And you can clean this one up by yourself.

All right.

Calvin, come on in. Hey, Mr. Jenkins.

Hi, Benedict Jenkins.

Now, Pearl, just let me talk to him.

No, it won't do any good.

You want to talk me out of joining the Army, but my mind is made up.

What mind?

Brenda, at ease. What time do you have to sign up on Monday morning? 10 a .m.

Well, in the Army, you're going to have to rise and shine at 0500.

And that's even earlier than Bryant Gumbel has to get up. I can handle it.

you sure? Can you handle basic training and powdered eggs for breakfast? Tell

him, Daddy. What about the regimentation and losing your identity?

You'll have to get rid of your earring.

That's okay. I'm getting a tattoo instead.

Well, it better be a tattoo of your own apartment, because you're not coming

back here.

Father, can't we talk you out of this?

No, sir.

Well, then there's only one thing left to do. Tomorrow I'll take you down to my

old deserted army barracks and get you ready for army life.

Daddy!

What do you expect, Club Matt?

Well, maybe some curtains and a potted palm.

Look, Lester, this idea of yours better work, because today's the day I normally

take my limo in for a bikini wax job.

Look, just remember, you're here to help me make it real for Calvin.

All right.

All right, let's get started. As of now, you're in the army.

Can I have a weekend pass?

Hey, did I want to?

A weekend passed.

You gutless grunt. You'd be lucky if you see the light of day in six months.

It ain't light enough, Mr. Jenkins. Don't tell me what to do. My name's not

Jenkins. My first and last name is Sir. You got that, wimp?

Uh -huh. You mean uh -huh, sir, don't you? Let me hear it. Sir.

You call out a sir?

Come on, you can do better than that.

Yes, sir.

did what?

I don't think it means light bulbs.

Do it, dog face!

Move! Up, down! Up, down! Up, down! Up, down! Move!

Move! All right.

I'm going to bounce this quarter off these bunks, and I want to see George

Washington's head.

I'll save you the trouble.

next time, Dobbs.

Dobbs! Yes, sir?

I'm giving you a special assignment.

Special assignment, sir?

Overseas, sir?

Well, it does involve water.

I want you to clean the latrine.

Technically, I'm busting you to private.

You went there to talk him out of the army, not turn him into a green beret.

You know, you're tough, Mary. Too bad you didn't think about a military

And you better think of something quick, because if Calvin joins the army

tomorrow, Pearl is going to have your butt in a sling.

Goodbye, dear.

I don't know about you, but I am not too thrilled about the idea of Calvin

protecting our country.

You know, my James loved everything about the Army except K -Pool.

Oh, but those rifles? Oh, he would love to mantle them.

That's it.

What's it?

K -P.

Oh, K -P used to drive Lester up the barracks wall.

Now, you can imagine what it would do to Calvin. All he liked to do in the

kitchen is eat. You got that right.

He's probably out there running around through some spare tires somewhere. Oh.

So this is what an army barracks looks like.

It does have a distinctive smell.

Eva, I think those are the onions you carry.

Potatoes, onions, carrots. If this KP thing doesn't work out, we can always

a salad bar.

Uh -uh.

Child, by the time Calvin gets through peeling potatoes and onions, he'll

go back to college or he'll be working his niblets off for the Green Jacks.

when he has to do it with this.

Don't move!

You moved.

I am Lieutenant Carl Pennington.

You have been captured by Squad A of the Green Team.

Put down your weapons.

What weapons?

Okay, your purses.

Put it down.

Slowly.

Identify yourself.

I'm even rolling. I'm pursuing a career in the arts.

You.

I'm Rose Holloway and my hobbies are needlepoint.

Listen, my name is Mary Jenkins and there's... Would you stop that?

There's a very simple explanation for this. We just came to bring some veggies

to my husband so that he could give Pearl's grandson, Calvin, a lesson in KP

that he wouldn't join the army and would go back to college instead.

You know, where he's having trouble with calculus.

Why do I get the feeling it's going to be tough interrogating these prisoners?

Look, Lieutenant Penny Loafer.

Not in the Army. We are civilians.

Oh, they're good. They're real good.

They demand to see George C. Scott.

You'll see the Green Team field headquarters and like it. Take their

move them out!

He sent his squad where he thought I wouldn't look.

The barracks targeted for shelling.

Yeah, he's smart, but you know who's smarter.

Who would that be, sir?

Me, that's who.

I can't take this no more.

I'm going AWOL.

Absent without Lester.

My feet are killing me.

Why couldn't Calvin have joined the Air Force?

At least by now we'd be flying.

Let's see how our little hot shot likes the Army now after our little 20 -mile

walk in the park.

You said that was 20 miles, sir?

Seemed more like two.

Believe me, dogface, it was 20.

Hey, guys, this is great, man. Hey, we just didn't live on the buddy system all

three of us, man.

How about hand -to -hand combat?

They threw your bus against you, buddy.

Come on now, Fillmore.

Don't pick on Dobbs.

That's my job.

Hey, what's that weird sound?

If I didn't know better, I'd think it was an artillery shell coming in.

That's what it is!

when I was in Korea.

But we're in luck. So far, they're only using the small guns.

Everybody down! Down!

All right.

That was the big gun.

You may stay put.

I'm gonna see if I can find him and get an instructor to show him.

Excuse me, sir.

Isn't that like walking into the jaws of death?

Look, I got you into this. I'll get you out.

Lieutenant Crandall really briefed your team.

Now, you listen. We're serious.

Now, her husband is out there with her grandson and Travis and Dylan. Now, you

have got to stop this shelling.

Oh, sure. I call off the shelling, and Crandall and his commanding officer

right in here, capture us, and win the war games. Now, you listen to me, you

shrapnel head.

Those are real shells falling on real men.

How do you think it's going to look on the dead cop, for sure, when they find

out you used...

Good pitch, lady, but I don't believe a word of it.

Oh, look what we found sneaking around HQ.

You're making a mistake, I'm telling you.

What are y 'all doing here?

Buttoning soldier.

Who's in charge?

Read my bar.

Read my lips. I got three guys holed up in the bridge and you have got to call

off this artillery fire.

he doesn't give up.

Look, you weekend warrior, either you call off that shelling or I'm going to

give you a lip so fat you're going to have to put it on the deck.

First, are you threatening an officer in the United States Army National Guard?

Yes, sir.

And what are you going to do about it?

Uh, call off the shelling.

All right, Mr. Pink. All right.

This is Pink Lady calling on fellow. She's fire. She's fire.

She's fire. She's fire.

Here you go, Daddy.

You deserve the...

Thanks, sugar.

All right, for Lester!

Oh,

Lester, you are so brave.

You saved my baby.

There's two other babies that want to thank you, too.

John baby and Travis baby.

And to celebrate, I have prepared a special menu.

Oh, good. What are we going to have?

Potato soup, potato salad, baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, and for

carrots, Potato pie.

Well, Calvin, I am glad to see that you are out of the halls of Montezuma and

back into the halls of Ivy. Yeah, college is a snack compared to the arm.

I bet you must have been scared when all those bombs were going off around you.

Not.

the time they were shelling us on the 39th parallel.

Sergeant L .C. Ross himself was shaking in his boots.

The bombs was going off on the right. They was going off on the left. The

soldiers were screaming for their lives. They was diving under logs and running

through the water. They was... Mary, listen here. Let me tell you about this.