All language subtitles for 227 s05e11 War Is Heck

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.
With help from our friends, I... Before

we get tired Cause there's no place like
home With your family around you

You're never alone When you know that
you love You don't need to roam Cause

there ain't

Okay, Pearl, what do you think?

Long time no see. B -M -O -C.

I thought the banner was for Calvin.

It is. B -M -O -C.

Big man on campus.

Ooh. What'd you think it was, a rap
group?

I bet you're really excited to see
Calvin.

Well, I won't be excited about the 40
pounds of laundry he's gonna bring home

with him.

That's how you know your parenting job
is over, when they finally start to

and fold for themselves.

Mr., is Calvin home from college yet?

You don't see me ironing, do you?

Calvin's taking me to dinner and a movie
tonight.

Uh -oh. Looked like Calvin's gonna hit
you up for more than the laundry

Hi,

Daddy. Hi, Sheldon.

Oh, what a rough week. All I can say is
T -G -I -F.

T -G -I -F -B -M -O -C. Don't nobody use
words around here anymore.

Hi, bro. Hi, babe.

Hi. Oh, what a nice banner.

Brenda, what's that stuff you got all
over your chest?

Medals. Aren't they fresh?

I got them from the army surplus store.
This one's for valor, this one's for

marksmanship, and this one's for the
invasion of Guam.

Aren't those my old army dog tags?

Uh -huh. You don't mind, do you, Daddy?

No, just don't lose them. There's a lot
of memories attached to those things.

I've heard those memories so many times
I qualify for the GI Bill.

Oh, come on now, Mary. You gotta admit
to it. Great stories. Like the time we

had that big inspection and one of my
buddies glued my boots to the floor. Mm

-hmm. And the colonel came in and
ordered you to demonstrate an about

you tried it anyway and ripped the boots
off the soles.

And they got your pay for destroying
Army property.

No, baby, I don't think we heard that
one.

Okay, all right, all right. Make fun of
Yvette, but while you were saving your

beds, I was making Korea safe for Mr.
Hyundai.

Come over here and give your grandma a
big hug.

How you doing, Mrs. Jenkins? Oh, hi,
Calvin.

Hi, Calvin. Hey, friend. I can't wait to
hear all about college tonight.

Oh, I don't think it's going to be it
tonight. I got to stay home and study. I

got a big test on Monday.

Oh, I told everybody I was going out
with a college man tonight.

That's okay, honey. Maybe the dean's not
busy.

I'll be at it all weekend. This calculus
has got me whooped.

Well, I'd help you, honey, but I have
trouble making change.

I thought college was supposed to be
fun.

What about all those frat parties I'm
always hearing about?

And that's all you better do is hear
about them?

They're supposed to be great. I mean,
guys dressed in togas, they have Belgian

contests, they get sick all over the
carpet. I mean, that's the kind of fun I

thought I was going to have, but I'm
always studying.

That's too bad your homework is
interfering with your college career.

You can say that again, Mr. Jenkins.

Oh, now, come on, Calvin. This is your
first year. Everything's tough the first

time. I felt that way about Army, but it
turned out great. Yeah?

Sure. I had a good time in the Orient.
We partied from Hong Kong to Tokyo, and

the best thing was Uncle Fam picked up
the tab. Yeah, you didn't have to know

calculus to have a good time.

Heck no. All you had to know was the
three W's. Wine, women, and whoopee.

Excuse me.

What wine and what women?

Oh, baby, I was talking about the 80
-year -old tour guide who took us

the Zen Museum of Motorcycle
Maintenance, that's all.

And I bet her name was Whoopi, huh? What
else?

So tell me more about Tokyo. Hey, look,
you haven't had R &R until you had it in

Tokyo, baby.

Uh -oh, R &R.

Brenda, that means retreat from the
room. Come on.

Wait for me.

And you call yourselves Americans?

Mr. Jacob, tell me more about Tokyo.

Look, there's the words, geisha girls
light your fire. Yeah.

You see, me and a couple of brothers.
All right.

This is for two weeks worth of
vacuuming.

I hope you're ready. Cool.

Uh -huh. The Dylan McMillan Lena. I win.
I win. Please, no photos. Put away that

condom.

It ain't over till the homeboy pictures.

Stand back.

Give me some room.

Give me some room!

Where do you get all this from?

Hey, Grandma, what's up, guys?

Calvary, what's happening?

How's the BMOC?

Ah, here they go again.

I've had enough of this B -U -L -L.

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, I'm glad you're here. I
was just about to make a very important

announcement, and I want you to hear it,
too.

You switched to solid -stick deodorant.

Master Sergeant Jenkins, Private Calvin
Dolls reporting for duty, sir.

Calvin, what are you talking about?

Calvin, I think you've been watching too
many G .I. Joe cartoons.

No, I went down to the Army recruiting
station and enlisted.

What?

I think my hearing's gone.

I could have sworn I heard Calvin say he
had enlisted.

You mean you actually joined the Army?

Well, I don't sign up until Monday, but
I took all the aptitude tests, a

complete physical. Oh, Mr. Jenkins, why
did they make me cough?

Calvin, we'll talk later, okay?

You better tell them you've changed your
mind, or you won't be able to cough

again.

No, but you can't give up college.
That's like giving up your future.

Well, it's my future.

Well, what about your grandmother? She's
worked long and hard to save money for

you to go to Morgan State.

A college education is the most valuable
asset you can own. In college, they can

teach you how to be a doctor, an
engineer, or a teacher.

And if worse comes to worse, you can
even be a lawyer.

Cal, look at me. You've got to stay in
school.

You've got to stay in school. I mean, I
regret that I didn't go. Look at me now.

I own a limo, and in a year, I'll have
another one.

Then three, four.

Next thing you know, I have a whole
fleet, and I'll be a millionaire.

What would all that mean without a
college degree?

Hey, you convinced me.

My grandson's gonna die. He's going into
the army.

Oh, girl, he's not gonna die.

There's not even a war on.

I know. I'm gonna kill him.

Well, Mom, I'm just not enjoying myself
in school.

I mean, this army thing sounds great.

I bet it's as much fun as Mr. Jenkins
said it was going to be. I'm going to

him, too.

Look, Mary, don't lay this on me. I
didn't make Calvin join the army. I was

reminiscing. They were great days.

Mm -hmm. See? There he goes again.

Good old army days.

Carousing with your buddies. The
mysterious Orient.

Nights in Tokyo.

And while we're on the subject, I want
to know more about those geisha girls.

Look, Mary, that's all in the past.
That's all water under the bridge over

River Kwok.

Daddy, Calvin.

to talk him out of joining the army. He
sits through Rambo with his eyes

covered.

Why don't you tell me about the army
days that weren't so glamorous?

Yeah, tell me about boot camp. You
always complained about that.

It toughened me up. And what about
reveling? It got me up. The damn

was right over my bed.

That's something that wasn't so great.

And tell me about those rules and
regulations.

You weren't that crazy about them.

Look, Daddy, that's Calvin. Please, you
got to talk him out of this dumb idea.

Yeah, well, maybe I didn't give him a
full picture of Army life.

You got that right, Beetle Bailey.

And you can clean this one up by
yourself.

All right.

Calvin, come on in. Hey, Mr. Jenkins.

Hi, Benedict Jenkins.

Now, Pearl, just let me talk to him.

No, it won't do any good.

You want to talk me out of joining the
Army, but my mind is made up.

What mind?

Brenda, at ease. What time do you have
to sign up on Monday morning? 10 a .m.

Well, in the Army, you're going to have
to rise and shine at 0500.

And that's even earlier than Bryant
Gumbel has to get up. I can handle it.

you sure? Can you handle basic training
and powdered eggs for breakfast? Tell

him, Daddy. What about the regimentation
and losing your identity?

You'll have to get rid of your earring.

That's okay. I'm getting a tattoo
instead.

Well, it better be a tattoo of your own
apartment, because you're not coming

back here.

Father, can't we talk you out of this?

No, sir.

Well, then there's only one thing left
to do. Tomorrow I'll take you down to my

old deserted army barracks and get you
ready for army life.

Daddy!

What do you expect, Club Matt?

Well, maybe some curtains and a potted
palm.

Look, Lester, this idea of yours better
work, because today's the day I normally

take my limo in for a bikini wax job.

Look, just remember, you're here to help
me make it real for Calvin.

All right.

All right, let's get started. As of now,
you're in the army.

Can I have a weekend pass?

Hey, did I want to?

A weekend passed.

You gutless grunt. You'd be lucky if you
see the light of day in six months.

It ain't light enough, Mr. Jenkins.
Don't tell me what to do. My name's not

Jenkins. My first and last name is Sir.
You got that, wimp?

Uh -huh. You mean uh -huh, sir, don't
you? Let me hear it. Sir.

You call out a sir?

Come on, you can do better than that.

Yes, sir.

did what?

I don't think it means light bulbs.

Do it, dog face!

Move! Up, down! Up, down! Up, down! Up,
down! Move!

Move! All right.

I'm going to bounce this quarter off
these bunks, and I want to see George

Washington's head.

I'll save you the trouble.

next time, Dobbs.

Dobbs! Yes, sir?

I'm giving you a special assignment.

Special assignment, sir?

Overseas, sir?

Well, it does involve water.

I want you to clean the latrine.

Technically, I'm busting you to private.

You went there to talk him out of the
army, not turn him into a green beret.

You know, you're tough, Mary. Too bad
you didn't think about a military

And you better think of something quick,
because if Calvin joins the army

tomorrow, Pearl is going to have your
butt in a sling.

Goodbye, dear.

I don't know about you, but I am not too
thrilled about the idea of Calvin

protecting our country.

You know, my James loved everything
about the Army except K -Pool.

Oh, but those rifles? Oh, he would love
to mantle them.

That's it.

What's it?

K -P.

Oh, K -P used to drive Lester up the
barracks wall.

Now, you can imagine what it would do to
Calvin. All he liked to do in the

kitchen is eat. You got that right.

He's probably out there running around
through some spare tires somewhere. Oh.

So this is what an army barracks looks
like.

It does have a distinctive smell.

Eva, I think those are the onions you
carry.

Potatoes, onions, carrots. If this KP
thing doesn't work out, we can always

a salad bar.

Uh -uh.

Child, by the time Calvin gets through
peeling potatoes and onions, he'll

go back to college or he'll be working
his niblets off for the Green Jacks.

when he has to do it with this.

Don't move!

You moved.

I am Lieutenant Carl Pennington.

You have been captured by Squad A of the
Green Team.

Put down your weapons.

What weapons?

Okay, your purses.

Put it down.

Slowly.

Identify yourself.

I'm even rolling. I'm pursuing a career
in the arts.

You.

I'm Rose Holloway and my hobbies are
needlepoint.

Listen, my name is Mary Jenkins and
there's... Would you stop that?

There's a very simple explanation for
this. We just came to bring some veggies

to my husband so that he could give
Pearl's grandson, Calvin, a lesson in KP

that he wouldn't join the army and would
go back to college instead.

You know, where he's having trouble with
calculus.

Why do I get the feeling it's going to
be tough interrogating these prisoners?

Look, Lieutenant Penny Loafer.

Not in the Army. We are civilians.

Oh, they're good. They're real good.

They demand to see George C. Scott.

You'll see the Green Team field
headquarters and like it. Take their

move them out!

He sent his squad where he thought I
wouldn't look.

The barracks targeted for shelling.

Yeah, he's smart, but you know who's
smarter.

Who would that be, sir?

Me, that's who.

I can't take this no more.

I'm going AWOL.

Absent without Lester.

My feet are killing me.

Why couldn't Calvin have joined the Air
Force?

At least by now we'd be flying.

Let's see how our little hot shot likes
the Army now after our little 20 -mile

walk in the park.

You said that was 20 miles, sir?

Seemed more like two.

Believe me, dogface, it was 20.

Hey, guys, this is great, man. Hey, we
just didn't live on the buddy system all

three of us, man.

How about hand -to -hand combat?

They threw your bus against you, buddy.

Come on now, Fillmore.

Don't pick on Dobbs.

That's my job.

Hey, what's that weird sound?

If I didn't know better, I'd think it
was an artillery shell coming in.

That's what it is!

when I was in Korea.

But we're in luck. So far, they're only
using the small guns.

Everybody down! Down!

All right.

That was the big gun.

You may stay put.

I'm gonna see if I can find him and get
an instructor to show him.

Excuse me, sir.

Isn't that like walking into the jaws of
death?

Look, I got you into this. I'll get you
out.

Lieutenant Crandall really briefed your
team.

Now, you listen. We're serious.

Now, her husband is out there with her
grandson and Travis and Dylan. Now, you

have got to stop this shelling.

Oh, sure. I call off the shelling, and
Crandall and his commanding officer

right in here, capture us, and win the
war games. Now, you listen to me, you

shrapnel head.

Those are real shells falling on real
men.

How do you think it's going to look on
the dead cop, for sure, when they find

out you used...

Good pitch, lady, but I don't believe a
word of it.

Oh, look what we found sneaking around
HQ.

You're making a mistake, I'm telling
you.

What are y 'all doing here?

Buttoning soldier.

Who's in charge?

Read my bar.

Read my lips. I got three guys holed up
in the bridge and you have got to call

off this artillery fire.

he doesn't give up.

Look, you weekend warrior, either you
call off that shelling or I'm going to

give you a lip so fat you're going to
have to put it on the deck.

First, are you threatening an officer in
the United States Army National Guard?

Yes, sir.

And what are you going to do about it?

Uh, call off the shelling.

All right, Mr. Pink. All right.

This is Pink Lady calling on fellow.
She's fire. She's fire.

She's fire. She's fire.

Here you go, Daddy.

You deserve the...

Thanks, sugar.

All right, for Lester!

Oh,

Lester, you are so brave.

You saved my baby.

There's two other babies that want to
thank you, too.

John baby and Travis baby.

And to celebrate, I have prepared a
special menu.

Oh, good. What are we going to have?

Potato soup, potato salad, baked
potatoes, mashed potatoes, and for

carrots, Potato pie.

Well, Calvin, I am glad to see that you
are out of the halls of Montezuma and

back into the halls of Ivy. Yeah,
college is a snack compared to the arm.

I bet you must have been scared when all
those bombs were going off around you.

Not.

the time they were shelling us on the
39th parallel.

Sergeant L .C. Ross himself was shaking
in his boots.

The bombs was going off on the right.
They was going off on the left. The

soldiers were screaming for their lives.
They was diving under logs and running

through the water. They was... Mary,
listen here. Let me tell you about this.