Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those same old ways.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I... No, we can't die. Cause there's no place like

home. With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. Fair enough to be there. There ain't no place

like. Fair enough to be there. Cause there ain't no place like.

There's no place like home.

I mean no place child.

You're not going to believe this.

According to the National Snoop, a woman in Tuscaloosa just gave birth to twin

alligators.

Oh, yeah? And who delivered them? A luggage salesman?

Well, I hope she's planning to bottle feed them.

How can you spend so much good money on trash like the Snoop?

Well, I didn't, Mary. I found it in your bathroom.

and in the birdcage with it.

Mayor, you don't have no birds.

Well, if I get a bird, Pearl, I'll need a cage, won't I?

Excuse me.

I was wondering

if you could direct me to my Dilly.

Excuse me, your what?

My Dilly.

Oh, I'm Millie McMillan, Dilly's mother.

Oh, that's... Dilly.

Oh, how silly Millie.

I'm Mary Jenkins.

I'm Lou.

Dylan lives in apartment L on the third floor.

Mary Jenkins. Oh, Dilly speaks so highly of you.

Really? He must have had a fever that day.

Listen, if you're going to be around for a while, why don't you drop down for a

cup of coffee? Well, thank you.

Actually, I could use a cup of Drano.

Do you want it straight or with cream and sugar?

No, it's for my dilly's pipes.

If I know him, they're all clogged up.

Sometimes I don't know if I'm a mother or a plumber.

Do you get 50 bucks an hour?

No. Then you're a mother.

This is my mom, Hulk McMillan.

My friends call her Millie.

I'd shake your hand, but the circulation in my arm hasn't come back yet.

Oh, Mr. Fillmore, I'm so very sorry. I mistook you for a thief.

Dilly, shame on you. You didn't tell me you had a roommate.

Yes, I did. When I wrote you the letter, I told you there was a homeboy cold

chilling in the crib.

So that's what that meant.

So, my...

What brings you? An airplane.

An airplane.

Did you say an airplane? Stop it. You're killing me. I love you. Go home.

And another visitor's son, Dilly.

I don't want to hug anyone who calls me Dilly.

Oh, go ahead.

Hug me, Dilly.

I'm going to have to smirk off your face. I'm going to have my mom break

nose.

What's the haps, huh? How's the bingo league?

How's my dad?

Oh, this place could use a good cleaning.

Did she say cleaning?

She always cleans when she's really, really upset.

Oh, Mom, is this about Dad?

Nonsense. Just because I left him and I never want to see him again, which drain

should I do first?

You left him? You left him? What do you mean you left him? You left him?

Excuse me. I think I hear my parking meter expiring.

This is Travis.

He's a very nice fellow.

Does he need any laundry done?

Come on, Mom, this is me, Dilly.

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

I simply found out that two years ago, your father, the one with the false

and the bad knees, cheated on me with an office temp.

She worked one day and one night.

Dad cheated?

I don't believe this. This is a guy who reads Playboy with his eyes closed.

Sure, take his side.

Why don't you call him?

Maybe there's some mistake.

Yes, and he made it. Now, where's the bathroom? I'll start cleaning in there.

Oh.

You know, it'll read better if you turn it right side up.

You read your way and I'll read mine.

Oh, Mary, would you mind getting up for a minute? I dropped some change under

that pillow right next to the snoop.

I was supposed to have left that there.

Listen, forget that.

Why don't you come and join me for some halftime activities? Who knows, I might

get my back feel in motion.

I think you just earned yourself a trip to the sugar bowl.

Oh, damn. Get rid of him, whoever it is. Just when you're about to complete a

pass, somebody calls time out.

Hi, Mary. Thanks for loaning my mom your mop.

You just turned my mop into a pool cue.

No. An operating room is dirtier than my apartment.

Mary, Mary, she won't stop cleaning.

Have you reached your father?

I tried like a million times. The guy's not home.

Look, my mom's been really hurt.

I don't know what to tell her. I don't know what to tell her. You know, I think

this calls for a woman's touch.

Leave it to me.

You'd do this for me?

I don't know what to say.

I do.

Say you'll run down to the supermarket and get me another mop. All right.

Okay, honey, here I come.

Never mind. The second half just started.

Sometimes I think nature must have invented men the same day she invented

bunions.

Well, nature was having a good day when she invented Lester.

I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

Except for this morning when I almost broke my neck tripping over his bedroom

slippers.

How many times do you have to tell a man to put his slippers where his slippers

belong? And how many times do you have to ask them not to hang their jockey

shorts on the doorknob?

Well, I made a slogan for our bedroom.

The man's a slob who hangs his drawers on the knob.

Did he worry? Oh, yeah. He starts throwing them on the floor with his

his socks, his pants.

Well, you know what I think? It's their hormones.

Makes them incapable of picking up their socks or finding the laundry hamper.

Jen!

Pearl, dear, we are playing canasta.

She's cleaning again.

How can I get her to move in with me?

If she moves in with anybody, it's going to be me.

You want another hand, Millie? Oh, thank you. I don't think so.

You miss the cleaning and the dirty laundry, don't you?

Mary, we were together 27 years.

We loved, we fought, we raised two children.

We built a beautiful life together.

And if I ever see that bum again, he better hope I'm not driving a bus.

Honey, you can't throw away 27 years of marriage for a meaningless one night.

I mean, sure, he cheated on you and betrays your trust.

But believe me, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

No, but he took away my feeling good about myself.

Made me feel less than a woman.

And now I can't go back.

and I'm too scared to go forward.

So... So I think I'll go paint Dilly's bedroom.

And when I finish painting, I think I'll scrub the floors.

Thanks for caring.

Men. Who needs them?

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it's my fault. I always forget to signal.

Oh, look at the mess.

I'll clean it up.

Don't trouble yourself and pay no attention to these plain wrapped goods.

happen to be a gourmet cook who isn't easily snickered by the crass

commercialism of brand names.

I know what you mean. I buy cheap, too.

Cheap? You call saffron cheap? Oh, I didn't see any saffron in there.

Oh, shoot.

I forgot to pick some up.

And you know, I make a saffron rice de la Marseille to die for.

You make that, too?

It's my favorite.

And with some filet mignon.

Oh, it is a bite of heaven.

Oh. By the by, my name is Julian C. Barlow.

Oh. Oh, you're the landlord.

Yes.

I'm Millie McMillan. Oh, I was so sorry to have heard about your separation.

Thank you.

Word sure travels fast in this building.

Especially if the travel agent is Mary Jenkins.

You know, I've been separated, too.

Oh. Yes, two, three, four times.

The first time is always the hardest, but after that, you can phone it in.

Oh, that felt good.

This is the first time I've laughed in days.

Well, you should do it more often because laughter becomes you. Well,

I needed to hear that. It was very nice meeting you.

Listen.

Why don't we continue this conversation over dinner upstairs in my penthouse?

Oh, you have a penthouse?

Don't I look like a penthouse kind of guy?

I know what. I'll fix my filet mignon and saffron rice de la Marseille, and

you have to do is bring yourself.

Oh, well, thank you. Plus a couple of prime cuts of filet, the saffron, a

of champagne.

Oh, I've got lots of rice.

Let me get a pencil.

My, things sure have changed since the man last invited me to dinner.

Now, what was that?

Dome perignon.

Dome perignon.

You know, I'm really getting worried about Kelly.

She's becoming a vacuum cleaner full of neurosis.

I know. She is seriously depressed.

I wish there was something we could do for her. How about hiding her cleaning

supplies?

Well,

all we can do is be here for her. You know what they say.

Time heals all wounds.

Gotta dance!

Gotta dance!

Either time makes house calls or she needs a straitjacket.

news for you wonderful new friends.

I met the nicest man.

Where? In the hallway.

I gotta start hanging out there more often.

He's making dinner for me tonight in his penthouse.

Penthouse?

Would this nice man's name be Dewey and C. Barlow?

Gotta dance.

Gotta dance.

Excuse me, but I gotta pick up a couple of filet mignons and champagne.

Gotta shop.

Gotta shop!

Wow!

Dylan,

do you ever think you'd be sitting around waiting on your mom to go out on

date? Date? Date? It's not a date. Who said it was a date? Did I say it was a

date? This is a good date when it's not a date. It's not a date.

Well, at least it's making her feel better.

Boy, I sure miss her doing my laundry.

Well, I'm off to fluffing Poland.

Mom! Are you ready yet?

How do I look?

You look beautiful, Mom.

Dad would love that dress.

Please go home and show it to him.

Just get the door.

Dylan.

Mildred. I have four words for you.

What are your intentions?

To take your mother out for a delightful evening. So you admit it.

Dilly, Julian and I are friends. I'm starting to feel good about myself, so

drizzling on my parade.

I'm just being a little overprotective.

What time are you having her back here?

Good night, Dilly. Dylan.

Good night, Dilly.

Dylan.

You know,

Coming home together always reminds me of our first date. Yeah, me too.

Well, good night. It's been a lovely evening.

Come back.

Ah,

no necking in the hallways.

What kind of place do you think I'm running anyway?

Well, it's definitely not the Trump Towers.

Please, Mary, even in the peak of passion, you can't pass up an

prick my person with your poisonous put -downs.

That's because it would be too perplexing not to puncture your

in mid -pucker.

Oh, Lester, hi.

Mary?

I tipped the cabbie 15%. That's right, isn't it? Wait a minute. You tipped the

cabbie? Well, I sprung for the dinner.

What was it, two for one night at the taco hut?

Yes, and it was delicious.

Julian said that standing up while eating is very good for the digestion.

Right, Julian? My, look at the time. Well, let's not keep Lester and Mary up

longer. Good night.

It's 10 o 'clock.

Do you know where your mothers are?

Yo, Dylan!

You give me a hand with this TV!

Let's compromise.

I'll get the TV guide.

Man,

we're gonna have to either get a new TV or buy this one a skateboard.

Travis Fillmore, when you get a free second, could you please let him up?

Sorry about that, Mr. Travis.

What do you have, a family full of bullies?

Good to see you, Dilly.

Where's your mother?

I stopped by the firehouse in Poughkeepsie and she wasn't hanging out

sister.

Your sister is a fireman?

Yes, as a matter of fact, she joined right after she got out of the Marines.

Speaking of the Marines, I think I'll march into the bathroom and see if I can

relocate my back.

Look, Jilly, I'm sure you've heard the whole story by now if I know your

mother's mouth.

But I love that mouth.

And I want it back.

Dad, how could you do this to Mom?

How could you do this to our family?

You know, you should be ashamed.

Believe me, son, I am.

But we all have made mistakes.

And sometimes we have to live with them for the rest of our lives.

Anyway, it's between your mother and me.

So where is she?

I just...

Please, just sit down and relax.

She's probably somewhere in the building. I'll go find her.

Yo, homeboy.

Uh, come on out and keep my home dad company.

Honey, would you relax? I'll be right back.

I promise. I'll be back before you can say, first down.

Hi, Mary.

Is this a bad time?

Oh, no.

These are my door answering clothes.

Great, because I've got a really big problem. My dad just showed up to

with my mom, but she's out with Julian.

No, she's not. They're upstairs in Julian's penthouse.

Uh -oh.

Mary, could you go up there and kind of get her out of there? And who elected me

house detective?

Mary, this whole thing wouldn't have happened if you hadn't encouraged my mom

be so happy.

Oh, well, excuse the heck out of me for wanting her to be happy.

Okay. Okay, you guilted me into it.

Thank you, Mary. I love you.

Um,

honey!

of a husband of yours, certainly let a good thing slip away.

And your wives didn't know what they had either. All three of them. Oh, yes,

they did.

And now they've got it and I don't.

There's that laugh again.

Millie, I hope you know that you are a vibrant, attractive woman. And you make

the best key lime pie this side of Key West.

You know, you're right.

I am good.

The best. In fact, I'm pretty terrific.

Now you're talking.

And I don't need him to feel this way.

What fool would be ringing my doorbell at this hour?

All right, all right, all right.

Mary, I should... Is there a fire?

No, but you're about to be in a tornado.

Millie, honey, your husband's in the building.

He is?

That cat has treated this dear woman. I'd like to tell him a thing or two

myself. Well, I'm staying for dessert with Julian.

I'm not afraid of that maniac, no matter how violent he may get.

Violent maniac?

Why don't I get your dessert in a doggy bag and you can just take it with you?

Now, Travis, pretend you're holding a weapon. Right.

Now, pretend you're coming at me with it. Okay.

Pretend like I'm not in agony.

See, you guys are getting along.

Did you find your mother?

No, I looked all over the building.

What I think happened is that she went home. So why don't you go back to

Bridgeport and you'll both live happily ever after. I know she's here and I'm

going to find her if I have to tear this building apart brick by brick.

Mom!

Millie!

Oh, hi, Dylan. Where's Millie? Oh, we come to see how our date went.

Hearing check.

Her what?

Oh, she must still be up in Julian's penthouse.

Penthouse? Who's Julian?

I don't think you guys have met my dad.

Oh, you're Dylan's father.

As in Millie's husband.

I'm staying right here.

And that is my position.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if that's your position, then my position is adios amigos.

Stop it! Stop it!

Millie.

I'll give you oomph.

Are you Julian?

Who?

I can't watch this. I'm going to have an ulcer.

Now, there really is a good explanation for all of this.

Well, of course there is.

Tell him what it is, Mary.

Mary.

Well, you see, Mildred is Julian's cook and housekeeper. Yes, it's so hard to

get good help these days.

And she does windows.

We've got our own windows she can wash.

Millie, how could you go on a date with your boss?

He's not my boss.

Thanks, but you don't have to protect me, Mary. I haven't done anything wrong.

I was out to dinner with Julian.

He's my friend.

He appreciates me. He's helped me feel good about myself again.

Mildred, your place is with me. I didn't build that big house in Bridgeport to

sit in it all alone.

Why don't you hire some temporaries to fill it?

Well, I think this is one of those times when two's company and five is

ridiculous.

I'll just take this along for the road.

Guys.

Why don't we call a little truth here, okay?

Dad's going to admit that he was a big jerk, and Mom, you admit that you still

love him.

Come on, guys, why don't we put this together, okay? Because I don't want to

the object of an ugly custody battle.

No, dude, I'm not going to beg. No siree.

We McMillans come from strong stock.

We don't crack.

Oh, Millie, please forgive me. I'm so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I

love you, and I need you to come home.

Please? If you want me to, I'll get down on my knees.

No, no, not those knees. You'll never get up again.

Now, listen, Buster. Let's get one thing straight.

I'll come home with you, but you're on probation.

You see, I'll always love you, but you're not the only fish in the fish

And I've learned something. I can get along without you very well.

So you better shape up or ship out.

You got it.