Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

And those times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

No, no.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Well, girl, if the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, I

just baked the conker.

Mary, you sure love making a fuss over Lester's birthday.

Yeah, I didn't make this much fuss over my husband when he come home from the

ball.

Girl, now, you know your husband was never in the war.

No?

Wonder who that was.

Well, every time Lester comes home from working out of town, I like to make him

feel special, you know, sort of like I'm Gladys Knight, he's Ray Charles, and

it's a rainy night in Georgia. Ah,

okay, Mom, I'm all finished. How did it look?

Oh, that looks great, honey. Your father's going to love it.

Thank you.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

We're busy working on your party for tonight. How's things going out there?

Well, it doesn't look like I'm going to get home in time for the party, so you

guys go ahead and start without me.

Oh, honey, you gotta come home. I baked your favorite chocolate whoopie cake.

I'll tell you what you do. You guys go ahead and eat the cake, and you save the

whoopie for me.

Okay, baby, I love you. I gotta go. Bye.

Well, Mary, what did he say?

He says he's got to work late. He may not make it home for the party.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, it looks like that rainy night in Georgia turned into a drought.

Guess we have to cancel the singing telegram.

Mary!

I wish we could cancel the singing Sondra.

Mary, I want to introduce you to my new boyfriend, Derek. Derek, this is Mary.

Hello. Hi, Derek.

And this is Brenda.

Hi. And this is Eva, Rose, and that's Pearl.

Pleased to meet you all.

Derek's a pilot. He's teaching me how to fly.

Matter of fact, we're on our way to the airport right now.

Mm -hmm. The flight of friendly skies.

So what time should we be back to Lester's party?

Put your flaps down, Red Baron.

The party's in a holding pattern.

Lester's stuck in lovely downtown Altoona.

Oh, poor Lester. No party, no presents, no chocolate booby cats.

Come on, Derek. Let's go.

You know, Mary, Altoona's not that far by air.

Why don't Sandra and I fly you there in my private plane?

Oh, no, Derek.

Listen, thanks a lot, but I couldn't ask you to do that. It would be ridiculous.

No, Mom, that would be cool. You could go down there and surprise him.

Some men are suckers for surprises.

Now, Mary, now, you know you don't want Lester to be alone for his birthday.

Well, y 'all got a movie on board?

boyfriend who landed in a cow patch in the middle of nowhere well if it wasn't

your husband's birthday we wouldn't be flying up here in the first place look

that old stupid box i

apologize for the delay but it's just not

safe to continue our flight until i replace that faulty oil gauge and what

you think you're gonna find an oil gauge out here in a crackerjack box

We'll just have to get a ride to the nearest town and pick one up. Oh, now,

a minute now, honey. There is no way that this mint -conditioned bard is

to get out of that beat -up truck that I swiped.

Beat up?

Who you calling beat up?

Look, Mary, it's one of those people on HeHulk.

Martha is a genuine 1947 Studebaker.

Coupe Express.

And she don't take kindly to city folk.

Must have been rear -ended in city traffic.

And who might you be?

Can't you read, lady?

Welcome to Leo's.

Leo's says you break it, you board it.

Eat lunch at Leo's. It won't make you sick.

You must be Leo's.

Then you must be a rocket scientist.

Listen, Mr.

Leo, this is sort of an emergency.

Could we borrow your truck?

Nope. Martha don't let nobody drive her but me.

Well, then would you take us into town?

Nope. I can't just run out on a thriving business.

This dude's elevator don't go all the way to the top.

Leo, if you take Derek into town, then Sandra and I will stay here and run your

business for you, won't we, Sandra?

Oh, yeah.

A dream come true.

No.

I'll give you 50 bucks for your trouble.

I'll get Martha warmed up right away.

But we'll be back as soon as we can.

Oh, by the way, I got omelets on special today.

The milk and eggs is in the back shed.

And don't forget, you break it, you bought it.

breaking it would be an improvement.

I heard that.

I'll tell Lester when he comes in, okay? All right.

Tell Lester what?

Lester, what are you doing here, man?

Oh, I saw my name on the mailbox. I figured I must live here.

But you're supposed to be stuck at that job site in Altoona.

Well, if you don't mind, I got somebody to cover for me so I can make it up here

for the party. Now, where is Mary?

Uh, well, you're not gonna believe this, Lester, but...

Sondra and her boyfriend flew Mary up to surprise you.

And then they had some airplane problems. They had to land in some

they're stranded at this Leo's Cafe on Route 12 waiting for an airplane part.

Are you kidding? This is terrible.

It sure is. She took the chocolate whoopee cake.

Hey, wait a minute. If she's got the chocolate whoopee cake up there with

why don't we go up there and surprise her?

Yeah! We could have the party there.

Hey,

left the...

Hey, we just came back from buying you a present.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Yeah, we know.

Hey, might you happen to have a bow, some wrapping paper, and a Hallmark

birthday card?

I knew you shouldn't have.

So let's get this party started.

There's been a change in some plans. We're taking this party on the road. A

portable party? I like that. It's hip, it's happening, it's very nouveau chic.

All right. My birthday limo is at your service.

For a price.

everybody. I'll take my truck so I can get back to Altoona. You guys go with

Travis in the limo.

Well, where are we going?

thing we've seen.

Oh, good evening!

Order.

You take their orders, and I'll get the coffee.

Hello, my name is Sandra, and I'm your waitress today, you lucky dog. You ain't

Leo. And you ain't Latoya Jackson.

Oh, kind of unfriendly, ain't she? Yeah, must be that PMS thing we heard about

on Geraldo.

Mary, those farmers are mean.

Okay, guys, listen up.

Now, we got omelets.

And we got omelets.

Take your pick.

I reckon we take the omelets.

Good choice.

Okay, Sandra, get the milk and eggs from the refrigerator out back.

With my luck, I'll probably get freezer burns.

Excuse me. She doesn't get along with kitchen appliances.

That don't look like no refrigerator to me.

Yeah, looks like Leo's into natural packaging.

So much for that omelet special. I'll see you later.

Oh, no, you don't. We promised Leo we'd run this place for him. So sit down and

milk the cow.

You insist.

I hope this don't ruin my manicure.

never see cows jogging.

Okay. Now, we take a gallon of low fat and we want a pint and a half a hand.

Sandra, this is not a drive -up convenience car.

We have to sit down and pull on those.

you are definitely not going to get any milk that way.

Because you're pulling on my finger.

You know, I was wondering why that cow was wearing a wedding ring.

Look, you finish milking the cow, and I'll get the eggs.

Okay, here, Chick Chick.

Come on, Chick Chick.

Yeah, I've been sitting here so long, I need a haircut.

Keep your coveralls on.

We'll have you almost before you can say, Old MacDonald.

I gotta go.

I've got to slop my hogs.

Oh, that reminds me. I gotta get a present for my wife.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know. Maybe they ate here before.

Just what we need. Some more loco yokel.

Well...

Maybe

that's a biker gang.

Do you have any idea what they'll do to an incredibly ravishing and desirable

woman like me?

No, I guess not.

They're probably just a bunch of yuppie motorcycling enthusiasts out for a

country ride.

Whose names just happen to be Death Riders.

We want food!

I'm sorry, but we don't serve raw meat.

Unless, of course, you want it that way.

Welcome to Leo's, Mr., uh... Doll Crusher.

Yes, Mr.

Skullcrusher, what would you and your associates like?

We'd like nine jalapeno omelets, a dozen loaves of garlic toast, ten hamburgers

smothered in onions, and 15 chili dogs with sauerkraut.

They're going to need some breath -mix the size of the Goodyear blend.

Just a minute.

Mr.

Skullcrusher.

know that you don't expect me and her to cook all that food.

You see, we actually don't work here. We're just keeping the place until

You want fries with that?

Sandra, the phone's free.

Look, I got an idea. You distract him, and I'll try to call for help. Say no

more. Distraction is my middle name.

Skullcrusher, here's that dessert that you asked for, and I brought you some

pie, too.

Say, you got a fine -looking chassis.

Yeah, it's dazzling, aren't I?

I hate phones.

I feel they cheapen the sanctity of one -on -one interpersonal relationships.

feel the exact same way.

You know, Skull, I ain't ate this good since we crashed Madonna's wedding. You

know, we could eat this good every night. Hey, you know, I'm thinking that

two foxy mamas ought to join our little clan.

All in favor say aye.

says peachy poo and we're just flattered to death. That's a bad choice of words.

But I'm afraid that's impossible.

You see, I'm allergic to leather.

Yeah, and I couldn't possibly miss my root canal on Friday.

Hey!

Was that a no?

No. Was that a no?

Mary loves a chance like that. Well, that's more like it. Kickstand, prepare

for the traditional Death Rider initiation.

Initiation?

Mary, you're safe. We're here.

Mary? Sandra?

Well, where is everybody?

I don't know, but it's a good thing we ran into that farmer and heard about

those bikers.

Yeah, they lucky they didn't show up. I was just itching for a fight.

I'll give you $50 for a Dramamine.

I'll give you $100 for a wash and a set.

Well, never mind.

Okay. It's time for the final Death Rider initiation.

What now?

Plundering small villages?

Nah. We're just gonna give you a little tattoo.

Oh!

Any chance I could talk to you into giving me a tasteful little butterfly

here on my shoulder?

Now, look here.

Let's get serious.

The only way you're going to get a tattoo needle near me, you're going to

to tie both my hands behind my back, shackle my feet to the floor, and pin me

the wall.

Hey, that's how we do it.

from preschoolers.

We nag the hell out of people.

So we don't want no trouble, so we're just gonna take our women and go.

Yeah!

Not so fast.

There's only one way you're gonna take these women.

Oh, yeah?

What's that?

A challenge to the death.

I knew there'd be a catch.

Well, you were right. This is gonna be a birthday I'll never forget.

Skull crusher.

Yeah.

This is Baby Fresh talking.

Baby Fresh.

Shut up, slither hips.

And Baby Fresh say ain't gonna be no challenge to the death.

Oh, okay.

All right, we're gonna have a regular challenge.

Best two out of three.

You choose your weapons.

You got it.

history challenge.

The final question is, what was the historical significance of the signing

the Magna Carta?

Knock yourself out.

Mr. Meat Hook.

The Magna Carta was a charter of basic rights and privileges signed in the year

1215 by King John.

It became the basis of all constitutional law.

You're a human compost heap. How could you possibly know that?

I watch Jeopardy.

Well, that's two out of three. It's time to collect our women.

Time to collect a face full of knuckles.

Oh, now, honey, honey.

No, they're right.

They won fair and square.

So from now on, Baby Fresh and Slither Hips are part of the Death Riders.

Are you crazy?

She must be if she thinks I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Kid Stan, chill.

Hey, that was very forceful, meter.

You have excellent leadership qualities.

Oh, thank you. The warden told me that.

So, uh, how come you're not the leader of this pack?

Because I am.

Oh.

and slither hips are going to be part of the death riders, there's going to have

to be some changes made.

I mean, first of all, these outfits ain't happening.

Now, I suggest that we switch to some suede or some durable cotton

blend or a nice velour.

Ooh, I love velour.

Hey, shut up, velour's for sissies.

And another thing, you have to get rid of these big hogs.

And we gotta go for speed and economy.

You know, like, go Japanese.

You some kind of troublemaker?

Well, there you are, Skullcrusher. I've been putting up with her for 22 years,

and now it's your turn.

You mean she's like this all the time? Every minute of every day, she even

in her sleep.

Well, I say, who needs her?

Why? Shut up. I'll just keep this one.

Oh, oh, wait a minute, Mrs. Skullcrusher, now.

I'm obnoxious in my own little way.

Junior!

Daddy!

How many times have I told you not to park them infernal machines in my cafe?

Too many times.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Well, clear this mess out of here! Okay.

I love you!

Sorry it took us so long.

Are you all right, honey?

Who told you honey meat is the last time I go out with a pilot?

I guess I should have warned you about it, Junior.

Everybody,

this is Leo, the owner of the cafe.

Hiya, folks.

Hiya. You having some kind of convention?

It's a long story, Leo.

You got anything to eat?

Forget about that, Pearl. Thanks to Junior, there's no food around here

ten -mile radius.

Oh, yes, there is.

My chocolate whoopee cake.

Happy birthday, honey.

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