Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can fly. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like that. There ain't no place like that.

I mean, no place, child.

Howdy, folks.

I'm here to tell you what happened last week on 227.

Wait a minute.

What in tarnation did happen last week on 227?

I do a great job on Bronco Bob's Restaurant, but does he give me a cash

No. He gives me a free vacation for family and friends through his dude

beautiful downtown Dust Bowl, Arizona.

Oh, don't be a saddlesore.

It'll be a great outdoor experience.

Now I remember.

Marion Lester.

But before I go on, let me tell you about the time I rode with the James

Besides Jesse and Frank, there was Harry James, Dennis James, Susan St.

James, Edward James Alamos, and their two water boys, Bartles and James.

But I ain't... I ain't never seen nothing like that Jenkins gang.

Bronco, I want you to meet my wife, Mary, and our daughter, Brenda, and our

friends, Pearl Shea, Rose Holloway, Sandra Clark, Calvin Dobbs, and Dylan

McMillan. And no one can ever forget Dylan McMillan, king of the cowboys.

Oh, rinky -dink.

Looks like you're about ready for the big horses.

There was trouble brewing.

Bronco Bob and his triple B -bar B -dude ranch was about to go under because

some mineral water rustlers were stealing his famous Pellegrino water.

Mineral water rustlers? Some new good thieving varmint has been siphoning it

off. And somewhere out in the desert, the treasure of Sarah's Madre was still

waiting to be found, and three members of the Jenkins gang were facing a fate

worse than death.

Come to think of it, What could be a fate worse than death?

Buzzards!

Mary! The horses!

You

know,

this is all your fault, Sandra.

You were in charge of tying up those horses.

Tying them to what?

I told them to stay.

them to what?

Why don't you just tell them to roll over and play dead?

What?

What? What?

What happened?

You got a snake bite?

Worse. I broke the heel off my boot.

What am I gonna do?

Break the other one.

Mary, do you know how expensive these boots are? This is genuine lizard.

Fine. Then just sit there and wait. The lizard's relatives will be here in a

minute to get their revenge.

Well, come on. It's getting late. We better hurry up. We got to find a way

to the ranch.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. I can't.

I am too hot.

I am too tired. And I am too thirsty.

I feel so uncomfortable in this outfit.

I wonder how people in the old west did so many things in leather in the

daytime.

What a bunch of greenhorn tin horns.

Where is your gumption?

Where is your pioneer?

a taxi when I need one.

Hey, look.

What? Look, I think there's something out there.

Looks like a shack. Maybe it belongs to an old prospector.

Or an eccentric millionaire.

Or Wiley E. Coyote. Who cares as long as it has a telephone? Come on.

Howdy. I'm Pearl Shea. Can I sit in?

Wouldn't be fair to take advantage of a nice lady like yourself.

Oh, in the first place, I ain't that nice.

I play at our church fundraiser.

Well, we play for real here, ma 'am. I say her money's as good as the next

guy's. Oh, you play for money?

We used to play for soda crackers, but that wasn't much fun.

I see we got three jokers, two in the deck and him.

Boys, be gone be had.

Pearl here is a hustler.

A hustler? Miss, your stepson's on too tight.

It all adds up.

Sweet little lady who plays poker for the church social joins the game and

big. Yeah.

And the next day, guess what?

She wants to raise the stake.

And before we know it, we're living in a trailer park waiting for a tornado.

And she's out spending her money.

I was wrong.

Your stuff ain't on too tight as your shorts.

I deal them.

Cactus Katie.

She loves me.

She loves me a lot.

She loves me.

She doesn't love me so much.

She doesn't love me.

Sorry I'm late, Dylan.

Brenda.

Brenda Jenkins.

Nice do.

What is that, one of those Patti LaBelle terrycloth wigs?

I just washed my hair.

Don't ask me why.

Ever since I've been here, I've been doing nothing but study. Well, you know,

you gotta pass those SATs.

Those darn SATs.

Oh, where did we leave off?

I think we were talking about the rise and fall of Western civilization.

Western civilization. The Old West.

The Old West.

Cactus Katie.

Queen of the West.

Cactus Katie?

It's not in my history book.

Um, I meant, um, Catherine the Great.

She sure is.

I can't believe it. You're hung up on Cactus Katie.

Uh...

Me? Hung up on Cactus Katie?

No. Yes!

Cactus Katie. She's everything I ever wanted in a cowgirl.

So what's the problem?

I'm nothing she ever wanted in a cowboy.

Oh, don't put yourself down like that.

Don't take no for an answer. If you see what you want, go for it.

Of course, you can't do that if you're stuck here with me.

That's right.

especially after I've seen the way she looks at you.

The way she looks at me? The way she looks at Katie?

You have to be blind not to see it.

You know, if I were you, I would strike now and go after her while the branding

iron is still hot.

I think you're right.

I'm going to show her that I can yippee -tie and tippy -oh like the best of

them.

Not only no millionaire, there's not even a butler.

This is it. The end of the trail.

The last round up. The final curtain.

Please don't start singing my way.

What?

Look what I found.

What is all this?

Bottles and bottles of bottled water.

No, child. Right now, this is the treasure of Sarah's madre.

I see you, too.

The table ain't that big.

You know why she can joke like that? She knows she got us on the hook.

She's just setting us up.

Setting you up? I lost 100 straight hands.

I can't take this anymore.

My nerves are shot.

You're just losing to suck her up into raising the states.

Then you're gonna bite it in the wallet like a money -hungry rattlesnake.

Oh, Pearl!

We're gonna let you have it. What if I don't want it?

Well, you're gonna get it all anyway, so here.

Take it now.

Yeah, you can't bamboozle us.

You must think we've got kale chips for brains.

I got to remember to invite those boys to Vegas night at our church.

You think I can play games with Pecos McMillan?

Some cowboy, huh?

Dylan, wait.

What's the matter?

You know, I could be on this dude ranch a hundred years and I'd still just be a

dude. Although I'd be a really rad dude.

But that's all right.

I think you're special.

So when you're gone from here, I'm going to miss seeing you tripping over your

spurs and roping yourself on up your pony.

Well, my butt's not going to miss that part.

My heart's going to miss you, Cactus Katie.

Well, then you don't mind if I put my brand on you, then?

Huh?

Whoa.

Hi -oh, Silver!

Hey,

Bronco, I got a problem, man. Me, too.

If I don't find out who's been rustling my Pellegrino water, I'll be all washed

up.

What's your problem, Les?

See, I haven't seen my wife since earlier this morning. She and Rose and

took off on some kind of treasure hunt. Oh, no problem, my partner.

They're fine.

Those treasure maps, they all lead to Bronco Bob's Wild West Souvenir Shop.

Hopefully they're down there spending a lot of money.

One of them very mucho la bomba.

Really? Well, thanks.

Seems nobody's been in there all day.

Boy, have you ever tasted such wet, delicious water in your life?

Child, you can say that again.

Well, what's he doing out here?

You know, something doesn't smell right.

Well, Mary, what do you expect?

We've been out there baking in the heat all day.

Mmm. Mmm.

You know what this water would go great with?

Mmm.

A hairy spider.

Now, come on, Sandra.

I thought you dated higher on the evolutionary scale than that.

Wait a

minute.

Look at this.

On the label, it says Sagebrush Springs Mineral Water.

But underneath it says Bronco Bob's... Pellegrino water.

Well, howdy, ladies.

Roy!

Oh,

how did you guys find us?

Well, you know, they're men.

I'm here to figure it out.

Guess what? We found a whole bunch of bottled water in this here shack.

No. Yes. And you know what?

They got phony labels on them, too.

No.

Yes.

You know what I thought?

I think somebody's been rustling Bronco Bob's Pellegrino water.

Good guess, Mary.

Thank you, Dale.

We can't talk about the water. We're saved.

I always knew I'd be rescued by a handsome cowboy with a big gun.

You're the water rustlers, aren't you? Yep.

You ladies have gotten in way over your heads.

Oh, we won't tell anybody. We won't tell anybody.

tell anybody.

That's for sure.

Think you ladies better cancel y 'all appointments, because y 'all are going

be tied up here for quite a spell.

No!

Yay!

Now I'm really worried about the women, Bronco. Maybe we ought to go and look

for them. Oh, don't go getting a burr under your saddle.

You know how women are.

They're probably out...

the sage hen.

Yeah, you're probably right. All tied up in conversation. Lost all track of

time. Daddy!

Daddy! What's wrong?

Daddy, we got trouble.

That's the horse that Sondra Clark rode out on.

Say, something is wrong. Sondra never let that hair dry out of her sight.

Womenfolk must be somewhere out there in the Badlands.

We're lost.

Take the buckskin. I'll take the paint.

I'll take the Mustang.

All right, then. Let's move them out.

All right.

Let's go.

Mr. Jenkins and his mighty posse thundered across the sagebrush in search

womenfolk, completely undisturbed by the fact that they didn't know where the

hell they was going.

Rose, I never thought much about dying, but when I did...

I never dreamed that that's how I do you.

Sandra, we're not going to die.

No, what we have to do now is free ourselves of all these negative thoughts

try to think with a positive attitude.

At least we're all together.

Rose, stick a cactus in it.

Watching my life flash before me.

This is certainly not PG Entertainment, girl.

I'm free!

Indiana Jenkins to the rescue!

What?

Uh -oh.

I think I hear Dale coming.

Okay, you guys distract him and I'll take care of the rest.

How y 'all doing, ladies?

Can I get y 'all anything?

Well, since you asked.

Maxon, three horses.

I thought we were supposed to get a last wish.

Well, that all depends on what you want, sugar.

Well, I don't want to say it in front of the others, so why don't you bend down

close so I can whisper it in your ear?

Okay.

Water, Mr. Evans?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Hey, wait a minute. Drop that water.

Oh, Dale.

How could you do this to us after all we've had?

All we had was a conversation.

Most men would die for that.

Ladies, I got good news for you. We're not going to leave you here to die after

all. Oh, Roy, thank you. Thank you, Roy. And listen, we promise we won't say a

word. Your secret is safe with us. We won't tell anybody.

You and us in the water are going to go take a little ride.

Then we're going to drop you off right into the Rio Grande.

I don't know, Bronco Bob.

Looks pretty bad.

I sure hope nothing's happened to my Mary.

I feel for you, Lister.

I know what you must be thinking.

Is she dying of thirst or hunger?

Did some poisonous snake sink his venomous fangs into her? Did she fall

cliff and get eaten by a gila monster? Did some pack of pumas drag her off as

her... Bob!

You're not helping.

Try to be simpatico, big fella.

Daddy, look.

I found a boot hill.

Boot hill?

A lot of great cowpokes is planted up there. Why, I remember their time...

Excuse me, Mr. Geezer.

She said boot hill.

Boot? Here?

Never mind.

It's a lizard skin, Daddy, just like Sandra's.

Here's another one.

They must still be alive, because Sandra wouldn't be caught dead in flats.

Hey, what's that helicopter doing over there?

I don't know. Let's find out. Let's mount up, boys.

Uh, excuse me, Lester.

Um... My horse blew a tire. Be a man. Ride on the rim.

I mean, uh, I did it. I woke the bad guy.

Hey,

baby, you all right? Yeah, now that you're here, my hero.

You know, I think my allergy's gone.

Now I'm catching a cold.

This water looks familiar.

It should. It's yours.

Those two galoot.

It's good to be home.

It's good having you guys home. You know, I really missed you guys.

You did?

Nah, I was just looking for a tip.

If you can tip, phone out of here.

Well, if it isn't Butch, Mary, and the Sundance Kid, the toughest bunch of

cowboys west of the Potomac.

Well, well, if it isn't Julian Barlow, the cheapest landlord this side of the

federal government.

You still painting our bedroom?

Well, after I fired Travis, I had to hunt high and low for another painter.

never heard of the minimum wage.

He's just putting the finishing touches on your bedroom now, and you are going

to love the color.

All done, Mr. Barlow.

Fine, fine.

Excuse me, Mr. Geezer. I mean, Mr. Painting Person.

Have you ever been to Arizona?

Nope, never been to Arizona.

But I have been to Florida.

Lived in the Everglades.

Wrestled with the Alligators and the St. Louis Indians.

Why, I remember the time when I was searching for the treasure of Sarah's

Monument. I looked up, down, this way, that way. I just never found nothing.