Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right. With help from our friends, I know we

do it. Cause there's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. There ain't no place like. There

ain't no place like. There's no place like home.

I mean no place child.

Right. We're canceling the paper for a week.

Why, yes, we are going on vacation.

But we're leaving our pit bull and our son Rambo Jr.

to watch the apartment.

Well, how are they coming with the painting? Once they figure out how to

lid off the can, we're home free.

Mary, do I have to go on this dumb trip? Oh, come on, honey. We've been all

through this. It'll be fun.

I still don't get it. I do a great job on Bronco Bob's Restaurant, but does he

give me a cash bonus?

No. He gives me a free vacation for family and friends through his dude

beautiful downtown Dust Bowl, Arizona.

Oh, don't be a saddle sore.

It'll be a great outdoor experience.

So is getting hit by a bus.

Well, I forgot my makeup case.

You ask me, you are a case.

No, not in a million years.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I told you she wouldn't go for this color. But it's house and condo's color

the month.

I don't care if it's Baskin -Robbins' flavor of the month.

You are not painting our bedroom passion purple.

Passion purple? Are you crazy?

No, he's cheap.

$3 .95 a gallon, and he threw in the beret.

Balderdash.

I was merely thinking of you two.

I figured after 22 long years of marriage, you're going to need all the

you can get.

And just what color is your bedroom, Mr. Three Times Divorce? Not tonight, Tacky

Tan.

Oh, my. The cactus is going to have lots of competition when you bring your

prickly barbs to Arizona.

I got your prickly and your barbs, too, here.

I say what you need is a mural.

depicting the socioeconomic struggle of the American worker in a depersonalized

society.

If you can do it in beige, it's a buy.

Done. And if you'll excuse me, I believe I saw some beige paint on sale when I

was shopping for some flatware at the 99 -cent store.

Oh, what happened? Did your plastic spoons melt in the dishwasher?

Oh, look, Mary, I think I better sit here and supervise these guys.

we'll come back from Arizona and find ourselves sleeping in a velvet portrait.

All right, I'm gonna take some of these bags down.

Mom, do I have to take my school books to Arizona?

Yes, Brenda, you have your SATs in a couple of weeks, and you have to pass

Why do you think we're taking Dylan?

I bet Calamity Jane's parents didn't make her study.

If they had, Jane would not have been a calamity.

Mary, do you have an extra suitcase?

I need to pack my black sequined gown from Bloomingdale's and my beaded

from Neiman Marcus.

Sandra, this is a dude ranch, not rhinestone hacienda.

All you need is some jeans.

Uh -uh, now, Mary, there's no way this body's gonna touch any kind of denim

unless there's a cowboy in it.

dusty trail to the wild, wild west.

Yes, where the men, women, and the women were outnumbered.

I love those hours.

It's limo man.

Who disguised as Travis Fillmore, mild -mannered house painter, fights a never

-ending battle against potholes, airport traffic, and the dreaded two -minute

loading zone?

It's Mary Jenkins.

Who disguised as Mary in a hurry?

fights the never -ending battle to get limo man to put the luggage in the limo.

Old man better get a big tip.

Wonderful!

Absolutely beautiful.

But you know, I think I'm allergic to the fresh air.

I think I'm gonna... Dadnagget.

Now you woke me up in the middle of my favorite dream. Now I'm more agitated

than a coyote with a strep throat.

I'm sorry, partner.

Well, now that you're up, we're looking for Bronco Bob.

All of you?

That's what we means, you old kook.

We ain't much, but you're sure pretty when you're ornery.

I'm gonna love it here.

I love it more looking at it in the rearview mirror.

Howdy, Lester.

Hey, Bronco.

Glad to see y 'all made it. Welcome to Bronco Bob's Triple B Barbie Dude Ranch.

Well, thanks for having us down, Bronco.

This must be the little filly.

Pleased to meet you, ma 'am.

Bronco, I want you to meet my wife, Mary, and our daughter, Brenda, and our

friends Pearl Shea, Rose Holloway, Sandra Clark, Calvin Dobbs, and Dylan

McMillan. Well, what do you all think of the place so far?

Well, you could use a little air conditioning.

Why, ma 'am, the place is air conditioned.

I'm talking about outside.

It's like a sweat box out there.

I'm going to the little cowgirl's room now.

Come on over here, y 'all. Let's get you signed in.

Uh, howdy, ma 'am.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Dale. Dale Evans.

Dale Evans.

Well, it's a man's name, too.

My name is Sanjay Clark.

That's a woman's name. All women.

Yeah, I'll say.

What brings a sweet sunflower like you to the ranch?

The three R's. Riding, roving, and robbing.

Well, you're just a cowpoke to help you with all three.

If you need anything now, you just scream.

Oh, don't worry, I will.

And I do.

Yee -haw!

You folks are gonna love it here.

Brenda, Calvin, and Dylan, here are your keys.

And who is Rose Holloway? Oh, right here, y 'all.

Room 12, the tumbleweed room.

God bless you.

Lester and Mary, I'm going to give you the Clint Eastwood suite.

Well, when we see the maid, what do we say? Go ahead, make my bed?

Uh,

Sandra Clark.

Uh -huh?

Well, I was going to give you the schoolmarm room, but now that I got a

you, I think you'll be happier in the yee -haw room.

Yee -haw.

It's payback time, partner.

Listen, Roy, it was a fair fight.

Your mother drew on me first.

I'll let you draw first, then.

What's going on?

I'm gonna shoot this skunk and kill him dead.

Oh, come on. What's going on?

Yeah, what is this, Broncos? Some kind of joke?

How's this for a joke?

You say your prayers, Bob.

On the count of three, we go for iron.

Who here can count?

Don't look at me, honey. I use my calculator for everything.

Come on, fellas. Why don't you let Judge Wapner settle this?

You.

Start counting. Now, just a minute.

Get back over here and count.

One.

Is it one already? I gotta go check the horses.

You get back over there, you snake.

You.

Start over.

One.

Two.

Two and one -sixteenth.

Two and two -sixteenth.

I hate fractions.

Couldn't wait till three, could you? You dirty...

chance he gave my mom.

Somebody call the sheriff.

That was the sheriff. All right, now can we go home?

What?

Gotcha! Mary, will you hurry up? The truck wagon stopped serving breakfast in

half an hour.

Howdy, partner.

What you doing over there by the fireplace?

Warming up your buns?

Well?

How do I look?

You look like you're going to be eating by yourself.

Get your bippy.

Move me on down to the chuck wagon and ruffle up some grub. This dude ain't

about to mosey any place.

I'll walk, I'll run, but I ain't about to mosey.

I ain't about to mosey.

Stubborn old sidewinder.

like you, doing around these hair parts.

Well,

my name is Mary. What might your name be?

Well, I'm Marshal Sammy Davis, Jr., and this hair is my horse, Candyman.

A wonderful human being.

Mary.

Yes? What? What?

I found a treasure map and a test of drawers in my room. Look at this. A

treasure map, really? Mm -hmm.

Wild guess. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

A treasure map.

A treasure map?

Does it look like this?

Shame on you, Rose. You went in my closet and Xeroxed my map.

She didn't have to. Look at this. Prairie instant printing.

It's a fake. Just like Bronco Bob's shootout.

You know, I bet everything about this ranch is a fake.

I don't know. I had a date with Dale last night.

Nothing fake about him.

Well,

I think Rose is right. I bet everything in this place is fake. You got it.

I bet even this steer here is fake. Mm -hmm. Those logs are probably fake. You

know it. And these bricks are... Fake no, cheap yes.

What is it?

Well, here's my map.

My fake map, just like yours.

Only it's hand -drawn in old -fashioned writing.

And it's in Spanish.

And it's signed by that famous bandito, El Pollo Loco.

Hey, this is real.

Right, Mary.

Must be the fresh air. Must be getting to you, too.

No, no.

This is authentic.

It's for the treasure of Sarah's moderate.

Let me see that, Mary.

Now, I don't know nothing about the west or Sarah's mama or none of that, but I

know about money, and this smells real.

We?

Since when did we become partners?

Come on, Mary.

One for all and all for one?

The three amigos?

Now, this should be easy to find.

All we have to do is find Rattler's coach.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!

First, I better find Lester.

We'll meet at that horsey place in 15 minutes.

Right.

Hello,

Roy. This is Dale Evans.

Look, we have been through this before. It's a man's name, too.

Look, we gotta talk.

I think we might have to take care of some troublemakers down at Rattler's

Gulch.

Food is pretty good.

That's great. What is it?

Bacon and eggs.

Bacon and eggs. What a concept.

Reminds me of the time I drove cattle north on the Chisholm Trail.

And we come up smack against a herd of sheep coming the other way. And some

greenhorn spooked them. And they went at each other tooth and hoof.

Why, there was sheep brain.

All that dead meat and no charcoal briquettes in sight.

Who wants more breakfast?

Hi, y 'all. I'm Cactus Katie. I'm available for laureate lessons, riding

lessons, and any other authentic Western activity that strikes your fancy.

Oh, she strikes my fancy.

Daddy, I can't wait to do all this stuff.

Uh, not so fast, Pilgrim.

You still have to study for your SATs.

Daddy, I can read and write at the same time. Who can't?

Morning. Are you having a good time, Lester?

Oh, just great. And to think I was considering taking the family to Tahiti

instead.

Well, you made the right choice.

And not a moment too soon.

I am close to losing the ranch.

Let me guess. That mean old banker is threatening to foreclose if you don't

up with the mortgage by sundown.

Yeah, just about.

You see, I make a bundle bottling the ranch of spring water.

Maybe you've seen it in the stores.

Pellegrino water looks and tastes like the Old West.

Sounds yummy.

People like it.

My well is just about dry.

Some no -good thieving...

Farmers been siphoning it off. Middle water rustlers. Can you imagine that?

It's the new Nouveau West.

It won't be long before this ranch is a ghost town.

Anyway, adios.

See you, Bob.

Honey, honey, guess what? I'm going treasure hunting. I found a map.

And not a fake one like Rose found in her drawer or Sandra found in her closet

either. And where did you find yours? In a brick.

And did that brick just happen to land on your head?

This is for real. Look.

See? The treasure of Sarah's Madre. Oh, yeah, that's a very famous treasure.

Everybody's been looking for it. Even Geraldo Rivera.

Chill out, partner. I still have that brick.

Gunfight. Thank you.

Mary, we've been out here suffering for two hours.

I think we'd find that treasure a lot faster if we rolled these horses instead

of pulled them.

Mm -mm.

No way am I getting on anything that has more legs than me.

I make it a policy never to ride on anything that doesn't have a chauffeur.

All I know is the longer we stay out here, the more we gonna look like that.

don't think that sunblock is working.

I think it's time we rode.

Here we go.

Put your leg up.

Come on. There you go.

All right. Now let's go help Sandra on her horse.

Okay.

All right. You ready?

we're going to.

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Very good, Dylan. Looks like you were born in the saddle.

Okay, time to make him stop.

No problem.

Looks like you're about ready for the big horses.

I'm ready for anything. How about dinner?

I brought them a bottle of yucca juice.

We could dance to some Gabby Hayes records.

Wow, that's mighty sweet of you, but ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt

I'd only give my heart to a cowboy.

Cactus Katie.

Cactus Katie.

Now, is that your name or some nut just stuck?

Listen, I want to be a cowboy, and you could be my cowgirl. We can go off and

have some cowchildren.

Oh, Dylan.

a cowboy.

I could be a cowboy.

Please, please, let me be a cowboy. I want to be a cowboy now.

Come on, why can't I be a cowboy?

For starters, cowboys don't grovel and beg.

And that was bad for me, huh?

These ain't back from their treasure hunt yet.

Find out about our little operation.

Sheriff will be on us like a tick in a dog's ear.

Well, let's go check it out.

You bring your shooting irons. I'll pack a lunch.

You like it dry.

You would have had enough water if it wasn't for you, Sandra.

That plant was gonna die.

It was a cactus. It didn't need water.

Well, I need a break.

You don't suppose they have a powder room around here, do you?

How about a big bush with a mirror?

have not oh no then why is my poor horse dizzy maybe used to work for the merry

-go -round you know i hate to put a damper on this otherwise fun having but

think we're gonna die give me this map i think it's time somebody else did the

navigating around here

to kill you.

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