Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like Beverly Hills. There ain't no place like Beverly

Hills.

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

Now, look, you can't talk to me that way, so just cancel our cable.

We pay $39 a month, and all we get is the same movies over and over.

How many times can we watch Howard the Duck?

You look great.

Thank you.

Wouldn't you know it, we finally get to see Les Miserables, and your father

decides to be late.

Show starts at 8 o 'clock.

He'd be asleep by 8 .30.

Okay, lady, your lock's done.

Thank you.

Here are your new keys.

Thank you.

Brenda, try not to lose your pocketbook again.

Put a man in the bedroom.

Okay, but, Mom, I don't see why you had to go through all this trouble.

I lost my purse once, and I didn't change a lot.

Greatest mistake I ever made in my life.

Next thing I know, a sex fiend was at my door.

What happened?

I married him.

Hey, hey, hey, it's showtime.

Hi, honey.

I'm glad to see you're as excited as I am. You better I am. Let the games

Hey, I got dibs on the count.

Let's break out some chips and some dip. Stupid fight.

Super fight.

What's going on?

Only the fight of the century.

Oh! Super fight.

There's a fight on tonight?

Yeah, the champ's gonna beat Ironhead like he stole something.

Well, talk is cheap. In approximately one hour, Ironhead is gonna show the

who the real champ is.

And in approximately one hour, we are going to be in our orchestra seats at

Kennedy Center watching Les Mis, remember?

Les Mis is tonight? No, I can't go anywhere tonight.

Lester, I stood in line in the rain for five hours to get those tickets.

Oh, you should have talked to me.

I got a cousin at the Kennedy Center.

You mean that guy with the broom?

Honey, they sold out for the entire run. You can't back out on me now.

But, Mary, this is Ironhead Harris versus Gypsy Joe Jones.

I don't care if it's Julie Harris versus Gypsy Rose Lee.

We are going to see Les Mis.

Look, babe, come on. Yeah, you promised.

Just take... Keep it and look at it when you come home. Oh, it's not the same

thing.

And it's not the same thing watching Les Mis without you.

Oh, all right, I'll tape the fight. Sorry, fellas, you better go over to

Smitty's and watch it like you planned.

Gosh,

he folds easily.

Oh, honey, you won't be sorry. You're gonna love Les Miserables.

I should. I'm already Miserable.

I just love that movie, Rose.

I thought it said a lot about the human condition and the cosmic evolution of

the universe.

What part did you like?

The Batmobile.

Oh, here comes Mary and Lester.

Hey, girl.

How was my minute tonight?

Oh, it was excellent.

What? Lester's still in the car?

Well, he taped the fight, and he doesn't want anybody to tell him who won. What

fight? Perfect.

Okay, honey, the coast is clear.

How did you like Les Mis?

Splendid, breathtaking, incredible.

Two thumbs up.

How about that knockout tonight?

You know, I didn't think Ironhead had it in him. Oh, Pearl!

Pearl! He taped it, but he hasn't seen it yet.

I think my cats are calling me.

Well, that's okay, honey. It's still worth seeing.

How about that your guy won?

Yeah, I knew Ironhead could do it. Come on, let's check out the tape.

Remember, just treat me like one of the boys. Mm -hmm.

Here.

Here's your quiche.

Mary, what kind of boys did you have in mind?

Mary, is somebody messing around with my machine?

No, maybe you programmed it wrong. No, I didn't. I double -checked the settings.

I bet the doggone cable is out again.

This fight was on cable?

The same cable as Howard the Duck?

Yeah, the fight was on cable.

I think I'm going to visit Aunt Vera in Detroit.

Hold it!

I didn't do anything.

Uh -huh.

Besides, they were very rude to me.

If you had been here, you would have said, you can't talk to my wife that

So I told him, you can't talk to Lester's wife that way.

Then I canceled the cable.

Well, what else could I do? You could have canceled it after the fight.

I had to know the fight was on stupid cable. The cable wasn't stupid. It

cancel itself.

Are you calling me stupid?

I didn't say that, but it was a dumb thing to do.

So now I'm promoted from stupid to dumb.

Hey,

what's all the yelling about?

You guys watching reruns of The Jeffersons?

No, dear.

Your father and I were just recreating a scene from Les Miserables.

Yeah, the execution scene.

Glad you guys had a good time.

Good night.

Good night.

By the way, there's static on the TV.

Thank you, dear.

Mary, you owe me an apology.

I am not going to apologize for an honest mistake.

You know, my mother was right about you all the time.

Right about what? Never mind about what. She was just right, that's what.

Why don't you just go on over there to your right mama's house and see if she's

scared?

Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe I will.

And stay over there with your right mama.

And you stay over here with that snow bear on TV.

Well, look who's sneaking around after hours.

After ours, what are you, the house mother?

You dirty doggy.

Been doing some midnight moving, stepping out on the little woman.

Look, I hate to spoil your twisted fantasy, but Mary and I had a little

argument, and I took a walk to cool off.

Oh, boy, women, you can't live with them.

Can't kill them.

Well, anyway, I'm calm now. It's all over, so good night. Good night. How

that fight tonight?

Mary made me miss the doggone fight.

But I'm okay. I'm cool.

Hey, something's wrong.

The keys won't fit.

You know what I think.

I know what I think.

Mary changed the locks on me and locked me out of my own apartment. That's what

I think.

You don't mind if I take the bedroom for another week, do you? Cool.

Uh,

Travis?

Huh? Uh, this is my week in the bedroom and your week right here on the rack.

The rack.

It's tough living with a teacher.

You guys always know the rules.

Um... What'd you do with my dining room table?

Nothing. It's under your laundry.

All I do is clean up around here.

You missed a spot.

Oh, gosh, thanks.

You found my test papers.

Young Pinky Perlman thinks that Magellan circumcised the globe.

little talk with that boy.

Yo, Lester.

Hey, Travis. What's up?

I need a little favor. I'm locked out now. I was wondering if I could crash

for the night.

Squeezed out by the main squeeze?

No, it's late and I don't want to wake Mary.

Well, hey, Lester.

No problemo.

We got plenty of room.

We've been wondering what to do with all this extra space.

Well, maybe I could crash there on the couch.

Not while I'm in it.

Get a sleep over there.

Okay, you got any sheets?

Travis, our first slumber party.

Oh, Mary, will you please sit down?

Now, I didn't come up here at the crack of dawn to watch you dust the floor with

those stupid bunny slippers.

Rose. Lester has never stayed out all night before.

Well, maybe he's at the construction site.

No, I checked.

Even his answering machine isn't up yet.

Rose, I'm worried.

Suppose something happened to him. Oh, get a grip, Mary.

Now, if something happened to him, I'm sure we would have heard by now.

Shoot, I'm going back to bed.

You sure are a cold -blooded friend.

Now, just suppose he had an accident, or he has amnesia, or was hit by a bus, or

he's lying in some emergency room somewhere calling my name.

Mary.

Well, we can rule out amnesia.

Oh, honey.

It must have been terrible. What hospital were you in?

Woman, what are you talking about?

You weren't in the hospital in the emergency room calling my name?

Of course not.

Then I think you better make a reservation.

Look, Mary, don't you start with me. The only thing I want to hear coming out of

your mouth is an explanation.

An explanation?

From me?

You're the one who stayed out all night. You know good and well why I stayed out

all night.

No, I just... Mom, I'm running late for school, so I'm going to grab some

breakfast on the way, okay?

Okay.

Is anything wrong?

Oh, of course not, sugar. Everything's fine.

Yeah, fine.

We're just going over another scene from Les Miserables.

Yeah, we're in act two now.

Okay, I'll see you later.

Okay. Have a nice time.

That's ridiculous! Don't you dare try to blame this on me!

I told you I did not know that your stupid fight was on cable. This isn't

the cable, and you know it. Then what's it about?

Look, if you don't know what you did, I'm not going to tell you what you did.

And what's more, I'm not coming back.

Do you apologize for what you did?

God damn, don't!

What did I do?

So, you have nothing to worry about as long as your husband wears those dresses

in the privacy of your own home.

Okay?

Thank you for calling.

Hello, this is the love doctor.

You're on the air.

Am I on?

doctor. My name is Shirley.

And my husband, Chester, and I had a fight about our table service.

Well, that seems pretty trivial.

Have you and Chester been married a long time?

Why, yes, we have.

What about it? Well, perhaps you and Chester aren't making the extra effort

keep your relationship exciting and fresh.

Shirley, do you go around the house in old clothes and bunny slippers?

Bunny slippers.

Of course not. I wouldn't be caught dead in bunny slippers.

Well, good.

That's the start.

Now... May!

Open up! It's your three best friends in confidant!

Love, Doctor.

Somebody's at the door. Go to commercial.

I'm sorry, but I have a very important business call.

Could you come back? Oh, yes. We know.

Shirley.

Are you making Chester for dinner tonight?

Shirley? Shirley, are you there?

Hi, love doctor.

Can I take two men and call you in the morning?

I'm sorry, love doctor, but my husband just sent me a diamond bracelet, so I

won't be needing your services anymore.

Wait a minute. Don't hang up, Shirley.

Oh, we wanted to hear what the doctor prescribed.

Well, she gave me some stale advice.

about keeping my marriage fresh.

Well, what she wants you to do, walk around the house in a Ziploc baggie?

Hey, you know I got a negligee that'll make any man get fresh.

Girl... I got one I've been saving with raise the dead.

That won't work on Lester. When he gets mad, he's as stubborn as a mule.

Hey, Dylan, you mind if I use some of this aftershave?

No, help yourself. It came with the apartment.

What's a four -letter word for dingbat?

Mary.

After 22 years of wedded bliss, my wife decides to go wacko.

You know, Lester, you're just letting your little spat with Mary and... Wait a

minute. Mary does fit in.

Told you.

Dylan!

The limo driver of love has done it again.

I just picked up two of the finest Korean stewardesses, and they are coming

tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, Travis.

You know, I'm a teacher. I have responsibilities.

I've got these papers to grade.

Did I happen to mention the fact that they fine?

Megabody fine?

Megabody fine?

Mm -hmm.

They all get A's.

Anybody seen the sports case?

Uh, Lester, it's not that we don't love you being here.

Because we do.

It's just that we got a couple of stewardesses coming over. Get it? Get

it? I'll just stay in the bedroom all night.

No problem.

He didn't get it. He didn't get it.

That's them.

I didn't know they were that eager to get here.

Check this out.

You watching?

Come in, my little love muffins.

Well, you can call me what you want, but the rent is still due.

Didn't we just pay that rent last month?

Hey, Julian, baby, you know we're good for it? Hey, that is Mr.

Baby to you.

Anybody seen my glasses?

So this is where Lester's living now, the poor fella.

Uh -huh, and we've got to get rid of him, but Mary won't take him back.

I love the sounds of a marriage in trouble. I think I'll go down to Mary's

listen to it close up and personal.

And while you're down there, why don't you see if you can convince Mary to take

us to bat?

And if you can, anything we have is yours.

Oh.

This was on the house.

It's not quite provocative in your mouth, but we'll live longer in a vase.

And you'll live longer if you stay out of my face.

I always take such pleasure from your pungent mouths.

Am I interrupting something?

Possibly a dangerous liaison?

Julian, what are you babbling about?

Well, rumor has it that you and Lester are no longer you and Lester.

I came down here to reconcile you two, but I can see from your outfit you

no time getting back into circulation.

In a minute, I'm going to cut off your circulation.

Now, don't get me wrong. I didn't come down here to gloat. Pay no attention to

the smile on my face.

I simply cannot express my sorrow. My heart is too full of it, you know. Your

heart's not the only thing that's full of it.

Why don't you just mind your own business, which is tending to this

and you can start by fixing that leak you've been promising to fix for two

weeks. Wait a minute. I'm not a plumber.

Good. Then I'll just call a plumber and take it off the rent.

I do do plumbing work.

Oh, I'll be right with you.

Hey, why don't we just call it truce? I mean, we've both been acting a little

childish and... Why are you wearing that outfit?

I don't care if the big windbag was up there just fixing the thing. None of

would have happened if Mary hadn't locked me out of our apartment in the

place. And now she's locked me out again.

So you're going to be staying another night.

You know what would do you a lot of good?

A nice, long walk.

A long walk.

That must be the megabytes.

Start now. What?

Kim!

Jasmine! Hi, Travis.

Hi, I'm Kim. You must be Dylan.

Uh, no, I'm Lester Jenkins.

I'm Dylan.

Oh.

You said Dylan was charming? This guy looks like a maitre d' at a sushi joint.

Yeah, but Lester's kind of sexy.

Hi, Lester.

I'm Jasmine.

Uh, hi, Jasmine. I'm married.

I'm not married. I'm not married.

Lester, just how married are you?

Yeah, there may have been more beautiful weddings, but not for Mary and me.

Long after the music had stopped, we were still dancing under the moonlight

our own music.

Oh, Lester, you're...

Oh, romantic.

I hope I'm lucky enough to find a man like you.

Yeah.

This ain't never happened to me before.

Where did I go wrong?

Oh, Travis.

Oh, you called Mama? I called her yesterday.

She's feeling much better.

Did you get Nestor another pillow?

Yeah, a nice, fluffy one.

A fluffy one.

Sure.

Anything for our pal Lester.

This is all your fault. My fault? What do you mean, my fault?

You told him he could make himself at home.

You know, I've been sitting here telling you two how I feel about Mary when I

should be downstairs telling her.

That's the spirit, Lester.

Ooh, you're so tense.

Yeah, well, I have been under a lot of stress lately.

Tim and I will take care of that.

Here, lift your foot.

Oh, that feels so good.

Yeah, yeah, come here.

I love it. Do that thing with your knuckles again.

I got some knuckles for you.

Yeah, well, now you're past tense.

Mary! Mary!

Nice meeting you, ladies.

Mary!

Mary, Mary, will you let me explain?

Explain what? Why those two bimbos were playing chopsticks on your body?

Look, they weren't my bimbos. They were Travis and Dylan's bimbos.

Oh, so now you're blaming the bimbos on the dumbos.

Travis and Dylan weren't even there.

didn't you have any reason to doubt me?

Well... No.

Now, you know there's not a woman in the world that could tempt me to be untrue

to you, and you know that.

Well... Anyway, I'm the one that ought to be upset. You locked me out of my own

house. I locked you... Is that what you thought?

I changed the locks because Brenda lost her key.

I just forgot to tell you.

You mean all this time we've been fighting when we could have been...

Make you know.

Mom,

Dad, not in the hallway.

Brenda, we were just... I know, disgusting Les Mis.

Mom, I'm going to go study at the library, okay? Okay.

Yeah, Brenda, study, fine.

Have a good time.

What time does that library close?

Nine o 'clock.

Good. We got just enough time to get inside and do some serious making up.

Yeah.

I can't use one word.

Oh, that's okay. I'll use mine.

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