All language subtitles for 227 s05e03 A Pampered Tale

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Those times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we
can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like, there
ain't no place like.

I mean, no play child.

Honey,

are you sure you're going to be all
right this weekend all by yourself?

Mary, this is the ideal weekend for me
to get some work done. I probably won't

even notice your butt is gone.

Well, you better take a good look,
because it'll be changed when I come

I am going to have an ideal weekend,
too.

Two whole days of being pampered. Well,
I just wish I could find my calculator.

Oh, I saw Brenda with it in the kitchen
this morning, just before she went over

to Cousin Louisa's.

Uh -huh.

Man, why didn't you let me fix that
disposal?

That landlord doesn't know his ass got
from his elbow joint.

Well, I have finally located the problem
with your garbage disposal.

Well, even a blind squirrel can locate a
nut nine, then.

Well, what's wrong with that disposal?

It might conceivably have something to
do with...

This.

My new calculator.

And in the future, Lester, if you wish
to dispose of your appliances, well,

kindly do not do it in my appliances.

Mary, would you tell your daughter not
to do her homework and fix lunch at the

same time, please?

Are we ready to go?

Golden Grotto Beauty Spa, here we come.

Yes, yes, yes. We are going to be
rubbing elbows with the cream of the

Washington elite.

Where are you going, to jail?

Oh, Rose, it is so sweet of you to treat
us to the beauty spa, and for a whole

weekend. Well, Mary, you know, ever
since I sold the building, I said to

self, I just love that.

No, but seriously, what good is having
money if you can't share it with your

friends?

You know, you got a good heart, Rose.

Let me have $50 ,000.

Mary, we're going to have so much fun.

Maybe.

Or maybe not.

I can't decide which one of these
bikinis to take, and I can't take them

don't have both.

Bikini?

I swatted fries bigger than that.

Well, forgive me. I think I have room
for them in my pill box.

Now, do you mean you aren't packed yet?

According to the Washington Redskins, I
am.

But I brought along a few things in
there. Oh, careful with that sugar now.

Not too heavy for you.

Baby, I can't move this thing another
inch.

Not even for me.

I'll be so grateful.

Are you sure you're not going to miss me
this weekend?

Huh?

I'm just too broken up to deal with.

Well, let's get this show on the road.
Pearl, you ready?

Yeah, except I don't like the idea of a
lot of strangers looking at me naked.

Don't worry about it, Pearl. They
probably won't like it either.

Must be the Holloway party.

I'm Courtney Cabot Blair of the
Georgetown Cabot Blairs. That's

But of course it is.

Welcome to the Golden Grotto, where our
motto is... We have no motto. Our

establishment speaks for itself.

much about your wonderful spa with
these.

Oh, yes.

We have the smoothest roughage in town.

For instance, today's lunch consists of
fermented beet juice cocktail,

wheatgrass salad, and our famous tofu
rutabaga surprise.

Speaking of lunch, where are the men?

What does lunch have to do with men?

If I have to tell you, honey, you're not
as hyphenated as you think.

Hi, guys.

I'm Peggy Ann Garrison, and I'm the
physical trainer who's been assigned to

bodies. I'm Pearl Shade.

And your first assignment is to get this
body a cheeseburger.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go see
if the quails have arrived.

Oh, the vice president?

No, dinner.

We're having quail yogurt.

All right. Now, here are the
rejuvenating treatments I strongly

your particular physiques.

And not a moment too soon.

Now, remember, it can be easy or it can
be rough. I like mine rough.

Now, we have the peach pit full body
scraping.

The seaweed and sheep placenta mummy
wrap.

No pain, no gain, deep tissue massage.

Hogan, what do you have that doesn't
fold, spindle, or mutilate?

Yeah, we were thinking about something
along the lines of a nice, relaxing

jacuzzi. Oh, one of those French
pedicures, you know, the kind with some

hunk fancy with a tomfrog?

Then I assume you won't be competing in
the makeover beauty contest.

Beauty contest?

You can start engraving my name on that
trophy right now.

Oh, we don't give trophies.

Whichever contestant our judges choose
as the best makeover of the weekend will

win a complete exercise wardrobe.

Count me out. I saw those sweatpants
when we came in.

And be on the cover of the Golden Grotto
International Magazine.

Uh, I'll pass.

And a cash prize of $1 ,500.

Uh, sign me up for that mummy wrap.

I'll take the Mike Tyson massage.

Give me one of those peach pit jobs.

I still want a cheeseburger.

All right,

let me see if I got everything.

My peristriker beach towel.

Very eclectic choice.

My industrial strength radio, in case
you run into any sucker MCs.

Sunblock, $1 ,400.

Woo!

Yo, Dylan, guess what I found in the
back of my limo?

A picnic basket.

Wrong beach, man.

Puppies. Good thing. We're going to make
out at the beach like bandits. Women

love puppies.

Check it out.

A baby.

Good move.

Women love babies even better.

I'm wrapped so tight I feel like a
wiener.

I wish you was.

You know, I don't know why they have to
pipe that New Age stuff in here.

I don't know about y 'all.

Shoot, the sound the whales make don't
do it for me.

Then you really won't like their video.

Oh, pal, I just want to thank you for
taking me out for that wonderful steak

lobster lunch.

Wait a minute. You're supposed to be up
to your lips in beach bits.

Oh, I canceled that so I could go to
lunch with Harold. He's crazy about me.

Harold, Harold, come here, Harold. Well,
you don't want to see me. Well, I want

you to meet Mary Jenkins, Rose Holloway,
and Pearl Shack, my older, less

attractive friend.

So nice to meet you.

Harold.

What a coincidence.

You know, that was Sandra's name before
she went to Denmark for the operation.

I've canceled my pine sap face pack so
you can help me with my acceptance

speech. What can I say?

Acceptance speech?

Sandra Clark, you haven't even had one
of your treatments.

Ah, didn't I mention that Terrell is one
of the judges?

Sandra Clark, you big cheater, come back
here.

You win your way, I win mine.

Ten loads of concrete plus labor, five
loads of sand.

Yo, Lester. What is it, Travis? I'm
busy.

I know, but actually, I was wondering,
you're in the construction business.

Do you have any real big safety pins I
could borrow?

No, Travis. Oddly enough, we still use
nails in the construction business.

Then can I borrow a cup of talcum
powder?

Talcum powder? What do you think this
is, a drugstore?

Well, then I guess the diaper's out of
the question.

Wait a minute.

Safety pins?

Talcum powder?

Diapers?

Travis!

Yeah, that's the baby, all right.

Yeah, we noticed.

I stopped to get a Slurpee, and when I
came back to my limo, there was this

with a baby attached to it.

Please take care of my baby.

I've got no place to live, no job, and I
can't raise Janie on the streets.

See that she has a good home and tell
her I love her.

So what are we going to do now?

I think we're past the boiling water
part.

Well, I suggest you call the police.

Why? So they can bust it for drooling.

It's going to be okay. The police know
how to handle these things.

I think he's right.

Good. I'm glad we got that settled.

The last time I saw a little thing that
cute, it was mine.

I'll see you later. All right.

Hello, police.

Can I have the baby department?

I don't care what Lester says. That baby
is not doing time.

Well, I think we should do what's right
for the baby.

What if her mother changes her mind and
decides to come back?

Why can't we just keep her till Monday?

I guess we could, but you know the
landlord.

No babies, no pets, no Elvis
impersonators.

But he's not gonna find out.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Besides, how much trouble can a little
baby be?

I played doctor before, but never like
this.

Disengage adhesive.

Adhesive disengage.

Open flap.

Flap open.

Ew!

Here, dispose of this in the nearest
nuclear waste dump.

Dispose.

It's a real fashion statement.

What is it? The baggy look.

Oh, no.

Now what?

You think she's hungry?

No, she hardly touched that pastrami
sandwich I gave her.

Klingon?

Babies don't just eat pastrami
sandwiches.

You gotta strain it first.

That's why I bought this baby formula.

My little pudgy -woodgy, pudgy -woodgy,
pudgy

-woodgy!

I got wedgies when I should have
pudgies.

Oh, no.

If she keeps this up, Barlow's going to
make us get rid of her.

It's cost a drastic measure.

You don't mean the Duke.

Bingo.

Let's hit it.

Two, three, four.

Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke,
Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke.

again to my favorite part. Quick, we
gotta hide the kid.

What on earth was that

dreadful noise?

It sounded like a cat having a root
canal.

Yeah, it was.

Fluffy's fine now, so thanks for
dropping by.

What is that, the Novocaine wearing off?

Won't your laundry require a snorkel for
the rent cycle?

You know, it's a perfectly good
explanation as to why this baby...

not the least bit interested.

And we've kindly removed that
catawalling creature from my premises

have you both evicted.

But we can't. Because this baby's
already been abandoned once today.

Just look. No.

Look how cuddly she is. Oh, no.

Is he so crazy about you, Junior?

I'm not a baby person.

Hey, she has your eyes.

You really think so?

Beautiful eyes, don't you think?

Never mind, never mind, never mind that.
What's that baby still doing here?

Killing time till puberty.

I told you guys to call the police.
Well, it's a moot point at this moment

this adorable child presents a problem
that requires your expertise.

Don't tell me she wants to build a mini
mall.

Mr. Jenkins, could you please help us
figure out why she keeps crying?

We've tried everything.

We rocked her, we cuddled her. Well,
what makes you think I can get the baby

stop crying?

Here, here, here.

Well, you know, I still have to touch.

I'll give you $10 for a cheeseburger.

Holloway party.

Break time.

Oh, thank goodness.

I was about to lay down and wait for the
paramedics.

Break's over.

If I was in better shape, I'd walk up
her face and down her back.

$20.

Time for the avocado experience.

Come, ladies.

Avocado experience?

What is she talking about? Who knows?

If it's anything like yesterday, we'd
probably eat the skins and line up so

can throw the pits at us.

I'll give you a fruitcake for Christmas.

Well, this has got to be the biggest
bowl of guacamole in the world.

Yeah, and we're the chips.

This is without a doubt the second most
disgusting thing I've ever done in my

life. Hope don't ask me.

Do you know the only treatment Sandra
Clark has had since she's been here is a

pedicure?

That's probably because that little
judge has a foot fetish.

Well, this is Mr.

Trevor, the Golden Grotto beauty
consultant.

He's going to help you with your hair
and makeup.

Don't we look delicious?

You know, personally, I think they need
to marinate a little longer, you know. I

told you there wasn't much there to work
with.

All right, Simon, that's it. You have
just crossed over into the dead zone.

wait, now, Mary, now, now, relax. Now,
take it easy. This is one of Mr.

latest designs.

Don't do something you'll be sorry for.

I don't know what came over me. I'm
sorry.

Yeah.

And to prove it, let's shake

on it.

Yeah, well. Nah, nah. You gonna splat
me. Get off. You married. I'm not gonna

splat.

treat in turquoise, Sandra Clark.

Our judges have made their decision.

Oh, now the moment you've been waiting
for.

The winner of this year's makeover
contest, Miss Golden Grotto, the

lovely...

your weekend.

I get it. Maybe it's abandoned nanny.

Great. That time we slept almost ten
minutes.

I'm looking for Travis Fillmore.

First there were folk masses.

Now they're making house calls.

I'm Travis Gilmore.

Oh, Janie.

Janie, is that you?

Oh, thank goodness I found you. Please
forgive me. I'll never leave you again.

Let me guess. This must be the mother.

All right. I knew it. I knew you'd come
back.

How'd you find her?

I took a business card from the limo.

I guess deep down I knew I couldn't
really give her up.

Well, what are you going to do now? Your
note said you had no place to live.

Well, Father Gabay spoke to my sister.
She said that we can stay with her until

I get a job.

What happens next time things get rough?

She has help now.

She's not alone anymore.

I was just so desperate.

I did what I thought was best for Janie.

But now I know the best thing for her is
her mother.

Well, I have a feeling you're going to
work things out fine now.

Yeah.

Hey, how would you and Janie like to
ride back to your sister's house and

You mean in the limo? Oh, yeah.

Gee, thanks.

All right, let's go.

Where does she live?

Chicago.

Bring me back a club size.

You know, Janie really has beautiful
eyes.

Well,

Lester, you know, we have just shared a
very unique experience. Yeah, kind of

like one of those male bonding things
Oprah's always talking about.

It kind of could lead to a beautiful
friendship.

No.