Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Time goes changing every day.

We won't get by with old flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there ain't no place

like home. There ain't no place like home.

There's no place like home.

I mean, no place, child.

Oh, I can't believe it. Backstage at Constitution

Hall. You know, this place has great historical significance.

Yeah. Just think of all the famous singers and musicians who got nervous

here and tossed their cookies.

I'm married. Don't you think the opera's a little too fancy for our church

benefit? What would you suggest, Sandra?

A puppet show?

Sandra, it's not every day that people get to hear the great diva Beverly

sing Brunhilde.

I'm asleep already.

Why don't we pick something I'd be interested in?

Oh, good morning, ladies.

This looks interesting.

Mr. Bouvier, it was so nice of you to invite us backstage to show us around.

Mrs. Jenkins, Miss Holloway, forgive me, please, for being late.

It was worth the wait.

And who might this vision be?

Oh, Sandra, this is Armand Bouvier, the internationally famous conductor.

Sandra Clark, the internationally desirable female.

I'm Chante.

Would you please be my guest at a party here tonight to celebrate the newly

formed Washington Lyric Opera Company? You mean an opera bash?

Well, we'd love to.

Delightful. And, Miss Clark, may I take you to lunch? And afterwards, I'll show

you my personal collection of batons.

Music master, please.

Now what do we do?

I don't know. Why don't we twiddle our thumbs and whistle a tune?

No, Mary, no whistling.

You can't whistle backstage. That's bad luck.

Oh, Rose, that's an old wife's tale.

Who's the dunderhead who just whistled back here?

That must be an old wife.

So, I'm just not familiar with backstage etiquette.

Well, don't let it happen again.

We performers are very superstitious creatures, and besides, I have the thing

here tomorrow night.

You must be Beverly Morris. Yes, and I don't give autographs. No, no, no. No,

this is Mary Jenkins, and I'm Rose Holloway. I don't want your autograph

No, no, no, no, no.

Um, Miss Morris, you see, you're singing di vocuri for our church benefit

tomorrow night. And, well, we just wanted to say good luck.

Step on a crack and break your mama's back?

Mary, you wished her good luck.

Look, you never say the words good luck to wish a thing of good luck. You wish

them bad luck to wish them good luck.

Um, I'll make a mental note of that. Come on, Rose, before we mess up again.

Oh, uh, I hope you stink tomorrow night.

I don't know why you accepted that invitation to this backstage party. Now

gotta wear this tux. I put up concrete walls that aren't as stiff as this

Oh, hush. You look terrific.

And stop exaggerating. It isn't every day we get to mingle with people from

arts, you know.

That's not true. I had lunch with my painter yesterday.

I'll get it.

All right.

Where is Mary Jenkins?

Now, as I can tell, it's the Avon Viking lady.

Oh, so there you are.

Oh, it's Beverly Marsh, the great opera singer.

Oh, Miss Marsh, this is my husband, Lester Jenkins.

Oh, who cares?

Listen, my singing voice is gone. I told you what you did was bad luck.

Now, what did you do now?

Who knows? Stepped on a crack, broke a mama's back?

Look, all I did was whistle and wish you good luck.

Why didn't you just shoot me?

Because of you, my singing career is over.

Don't tell me you really believe in all that superstition. Yes, I do, and I am

not leaving this apartment until you remove the curse and give me back my

I would love to help you, but you see, my wicked witch costume is in the

cleaners, and my broom is in the shop getting a tune -up.

Excuse me, honey, let me try.

See?

Woo!

Okay,

you're cured.

Go home.

This is no joke. If I don't get my voice back, your church does not get a

benefit performance tomorrow night.

You can't do that. The tickets are already sold. The church would have to

the money back.

Not if you can do -do that voodoo that you do so well.

Pearl, are you sure that concoction will get her voice back?

Well, it went once on a rooster.

He lost his cock -a -doodle -doo.

Miss Morris, I can't let you drink that. That stuff could unclog a drain.

We use it in that, too.

I would try anything to get my magnificent voice back.

Go.

This stuff is awful.

Well, did it get your voice back?

Let's see.

It didn't work.

Yes, it did.

That's what our rooster sounded like.

I'll get it.

What happened?

Why are we screaming?

Well, I thought I'd come down here and try to scare Miss Morris' voice back.

This is ridiculous.

Superstition is purely psychological.

No amount of whistling or black cats or walking on the ladders ever hurt

anybody. It's all up here in your brain. Or lack of one if you let yourself be

affected by that junk.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going in the bedroom and watch wrestling.

Hi, Mary. Sorry to interrupt.

But, uh, can I have my opera tickets for tomorrow night?

There's not going to be an opera tomorrow night.

Excuse me?

Hearing check.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, Dylan, Beverly lost her voice.

Oh, no.

The Fates have played a cruel trick on me.

Fates did that a long time ago, Dylan.

My date loves opera.

High notes make her do things they haven't even heard of in the soaps yet.

Have you tried gargling?

No.

It's in her head.

Yeah, it's on her head, too.

That reminds me. I got to go out and get a quart of milk.

I better go.

Well, I don't know what else to do. I'm just going to call Bouvier and cancel

the concert.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You know him?

Well, of course I do.

Oh. You're having an affair with him, aren't you?

Pearl, what was in that stuff?

Yes, yes, I'm having an affair with him. Every Wednesday in the laundry room,

between the wash and the rinse cycle, he cleans my lint tray.

He cleans your lint tray?

Yes, just before Lester comes home.

Please forgive me.

It's just that my jealousy gets the better of me every time I hear that

name.

Mr. Bouvier? Will you make her leave me alone?

I guess you just can't have a conversation with this woman. I don't

You see, now he just conducts my music, but once he conducted my heart, for ten

seasons we were lovers.

Then he started to cheat on me.

No. Yes, and every time I caught on with another woman, I became so distraught I

just had to cancel a performance.

No. And you want to know the worst part of that? Was when she came along. He had

the nerve to tell me that she could sing better than me. No.

Did I already tell you this?

No. Oh, okay.

Her name still be a fire in my breast. Oh, a fire in my breast. Sandra

I hate anyone with the name Sandra.

I hate anyone named Sandra.

I can relate to that.

I got him back, girlfriend.

What'd you do? I showed him who was greater.

We were in Stroudford.

Yeah. And Miss Finn got her to sing Brunhilde. She did? Yes, she did, girl.

Listen, I challenge her. Y 'all want to hear? Yeah. Stand back or she ain't

paying nothing.

Did you hear that?

My wife is back.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you so very much.

Don't mention it. All I did was mention Mr. Bouvier.

She doesn't listen to me.

Mary, can we go now?

I don't know why anybody comes to these doll parties. Just stand around the same

spot all night.

Well, honey, let's move around. Circulate.

You know, you're right, Mary. It's much nicer and exciting over here.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, Ro.

Sandra, you inspire me.

Such beauty as yours should be captured in music.

It would be much nicer to be captured in diamond.

I envision an opera all about you, and these hands will write it.

Ooh, my own opera.

Tons of butterflies.

Oh, Mr. Boothier, there you are.

Oh, thank you so much for a delightful party. Yes, it was absolutely marvelous,

but I'm afraid we're going to have to be going.

But the night is still young.

Well, that's what I keep telling Mary, but she insists on leaving.

Well, if you must, you must.

Beverly Morris just came in.

Mary, let's stay.

Let's stay, because I want to see what happens when Beverly spots Sondra with

Armand. Child, if she spots Sondra with Armand, the sequins are going to hit the

fan.

And then she'll cancel her performance, and we can kiss the benefit goodbye.

to get involved, let's go home.

The church benefits that state.

No diva, no dollars.

Now, you go in there and split up Sandra and Bouvier, and I'll get rid of Miss

Morris. Oh, all right. Come on, Rose.

Oh, Miss Morris!

What in the world are you doing here?

You have a performance tomorrow.

Well, honey, even a diva has to get down sometimes.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You've got to put those vocal cords to bed.

Come on, I'll get you a taxi.

And, uh, Mrs. Jenkins, come over here a minute.

You know, I don't usually like to be rude, but in your case, I would like to

make an exception.

You are very annoying.

Isn't that so? You know, everybody tells me that.

Where are you going?

Oh, you're still here.

But you must know I'm going on the stage. On stage?

You can't go on stage.

Well, why not?

Well, because of all these adoring fans?

are waiting for your autograph.

But I don't give autographs. Oh, nonsense.

Everyone, Miss Morris is giving autographs. I don't give autographs.

are you doing?

You're supposed to be dancing with Sandra.

I was, but Boobie ain't cut in.

Then you should be dancing with him.

Beverly Morris will be out here any minute.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Let's get out of the line of fire. Come on.

Sure, when the going gets tough, the tough get chicken.

Can I cut in?

No.

Oh, please. I've never danced with a conductor before.

Go down to the train station. They're all over the place.

Sandra Clark?

I can't believe my eyes.

What?

What?

My nose is shiny.

Like a chrome tailpipe.

I'd rather wear burlap pantyhose than have a shiny nose.

Excuse me, I'm going to the power room.

Ah, delightful creature.

When they made her, they broke the mold.

I certainly hope so.

Well,

I sure hope Mary has split up Sarge and Bouvier because Beverly's heading for

the stage.

Don't worry, I have an idea.

I was afraid of that.

Oh, Miss Morris, there you are. I hope you don't mind, but your nose is shining

and I think you should go home.

It's ridiculous.

I'll just go to the powder room, okay?

Okay.

A work of art.

You should be on a pedestal.

Excuse me.

What is that crazy lady talking about? My nose isn't shining.

Neither was mine.

Nice dress.

Direct from a new designer.

$25 ,000.

Direct from an old boyfriend.

Three.

Your boyfriend was very generous.

And obviously so were you.

Well, let's just say I know how to handle a hungry man.

I wouldn't be so sure if that were you.

I know I thought I did.

Trouble in love land?

Oh, no, no. I would never burden you with my personal problem.

He dumped me.

He dumped me for somebody else.

A cheap Italian chippy named Sandra.

The very thought of her makes my teeth wet.

That color didn't look good on me anyway.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

My name is Beverly. What's yours?

Uh, Bernie.

Nice to meet you, Bernice.

You know, he's here tonight.

I can't wait to see who he has hanging on his arms.

I'd scratch her eyes out.

I intend to.

Well, usually I let him beg and grovel for about an hour, and then I leave.

Oh.

But look at the bright -eyed Beverly today.

I've met this gorgeous man. He's tall. He's got the cutest dimple in his right

teeth. Suit is mine.

But I guess they all do.

That's what gives them the advantage.

That and the cologne he wore of musk and men.

To drive me right up a wall, girl, he would put it on, and I would take it

off.

and tomorrow morning he's fixing me a brunch of champagne croissants.

Now I have heard it all.

Wait till I've known him a few weeks, then you'll hear it all.

No, no, see, my ex used to make the same exact brunch.

Put on, he would serve it to me in the news.

Outside of that, we'd be talking about the same exact man, girl. What are the

chances of that?

I was still having it if it wasn't for her.

Sandra, right? Yes, that hated name, Sandra.

And a blush is just what that wall needed.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What did you say your name was again?

Betty.

All right, we're out of the woods. Send Sandra to the powder room. Where's the

dealer?

Mary, you're not going to like this.

Not the powder room.

Anything but the powder room.

Don't tell me she's in the powder room.

She's in the powder room. I told you not to tell me.

over there. It was very nice meeting you, Beverly.

And there's mine over there, too, and he's alone.

Go for it. Oh, I will.

Over here, my bonbon.

You either give up Armand or you can give up your little black book.

Come on, Mary, now give it back. Give it back. Give it back. She's coming.

And remember, give him up.

Hi, remember me?

Why, if it isn't Bernice Betty Laundry.

I just wanted to tell you that I'm giving up Armand because your feelings

more to me than any fleeting rapturous experience. to see I could ever find in

his muscular, baton -wielding arms.

Just a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before.

Yes, that's very sweet of you.

You would be willing to give up a month?

That gorgeous, elegant, sexy hunk of masculinity?

Mm -hmm.

You know about his home in Saint -Tropez?

Saint -Tropez?

The gold mines of the Yukon?

Gold mine.

And you'd be willing to give all that up for little old me, huh?

Yes, I would.

Put a sock in it. Of course you would give them all up for tonight, because

tonight you want me to sing at your function, but tomorrow it's back to

brunching the buff.

You know what?

You sunders are all alike. I don't believe you, and I don't trust you.

Is she singing tonight?

Mary, did you know that our Ma has a gold mine in the Utah?

Up the creek without a soprano.

Ah, Sandra.

Oh, hi, Mary.

I didn't expect you until this evening.

There isn't going to be an evening this evening.

Miss Morris canceled her performance because of you and Sandra.

Oh, she'll sing all right.

All you have to do is find another diva.

And Beverly will be out there, center stage, singing her heart out.

What you gonna do, dial a diva?

At this late hour? Impossible.

Uh, come on, I wanna know what the weather's like this time of year in the

I know where I can find a diva.

Hello. Oh, good evening, Miss Morris. Nice music, huh? It's opera.

Oh, I've heard it before.

I also heard that you had a replacement for me, so I thought I could might see

who it was.

Well, you're in for a treat. We've got a devil of a diva. Who?

Uh... How do I look?

Great breastplate, babe.

You know Wagner?

Wagner? Do I know Wagner?

Child, we used to jump rope to that stuff.

There's still time for you to change your mind.

No, you go right ahead.

Go right ahead?

Out there?

Sure. And good luck.

You're not going to try to stop me from going on stage?

Nein. That's German for no.

But of course, all you Wagnerian rope jumpers know that, don't you?

This is not working. Bouvier was wrong.

That's Brunhilde's music.

It's still time for you to change your mind.

Okay.

Okay. This is me.

Going on stage.

That's her.

Going on stage.

This is me, then I don't care.