Original subtitles

That no place like home.

If your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

No place like home With your family

them all in.

Well, just remember, tomorrow we add push -ups to the regimen. Oh, just

in a month we'll be poster girls for lean cuisine.

Speaking of cuisine, I'm starving. Me too.

Now, according to our diet, we're allowed one rye crisp, one celery stick,

one carrot stick. Which will it be?

I'll take the carrot. Cake.

Morning, baby.

Morning, Rose.

How's the diet coming?

That's good. How much weight have you lost?

One? One what?

Pound? Ounce? Liter?

I was just trying to say, wait a minute while I finish chewing the carrot I was

eating. Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't you mean the carrot cake?

a carrot in it.

All right, Lester, we were just giving ourselves a little reward.

Uh -huh. And Mary, what do you call the fudge you had yesterday in the pancake

with syrup and butter the day before that?

Delicious.

Well, I'm going to hit the kitchen and have some real breakfast. I'll chew

quietly so you two won't be tempted and experience the agony of defeat.

You're about to experience the agony of the neighbor.

Oh, Mary, I'm so mad I could scream.

Didn't you do that the other day about 2 o 'clock in the morning?

It wasn't me.

It's just a record I play. It helps me get to sleep.

I never thought I'd say this, girls, but men are beginning to frustrate me.

I thought it was the other way around.

You know my boyfriend Gregory the doctor?

Anyway, I've had it with men. I got a good mind to just give them all up.

What's that I hear? Giving up men?

Sondra Clark's hanging up the old spiked heels? I think not.

You're beginning to rub me the wrong way.

You know what, Sondra? You giving up men is like Mary and Rose sticking to their

diet. Come on, Mary. It takes willpower. And you don't have it for food just

like Sondra doesn't have it for men.

Bye, babe.

Giving up men.

Lester is right about one thing, though.

You two don't have the willpower to stay on a diet.

Oh, and you have the willpower to give up men, I suppose?

I can do anything I put my mind to, including that.

Sandra Clark, if you gave up men, I'd have to redo your apartment with rubber

wallpaper.

And if you stuck to your diet, you'd be eating the pictures off of menus.

Pictures on menus?

Where these guys take you?

The point is, Mary, you could not stick to your diet.

You mean you can't give up men? You want to bet? Yes.

What? Well, you heard her. Nobody challenges our willpower, right?

Right. And nobody challenges mine.

Okay.

Sudden death.

We'll see who gives up first.

You got a deal.

Hell, baby.

Here you are.

Man, we are people, not rabbits. We can't live on this mess.

Lester has everything you need to survive.

Except taste.

You've been gone for over a week now. How much weight have you lost?

How much weight have I lost? Yes.

You want to know how much weight I've lost? Yes.

I'll tell you how much weight I've lost.

I've gained two pounds.

I've gained three.

I've lost five.

Brenda, how would you like a nice, juicy cheeseburger with a side of crispy

French fries?

Daddy, that's just what the doctor ordered. All right.

Bye, Mary. Brenda and I are going out to get some real food for dinner.

Traitors.

Mary, maybe Lester's right. Maybe you should fix some real meals.

Shut up, Rose, and eat your roughage.

I wish my stomach was full.

Hi, everybody.

I just bought this cake, and I simply had to share it with

my two best friends.

Sandra, we are not going to fall for such an obvious, dumb ploy. Are we,

Rose?

Strawberry cheesecake.

Creamy, rich, sweet. A mere bite engulfs your entire being in one splendiferous

taste sensation.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

I love cheesecake.

Do me a favor, please, Mary, and not mention man.

Did I say man? Yes.

I promise never to mention men again.

And Mary, make sure you don't mention rich men. Or sexy men.

Or strong, virile men.

Oh, good.

Ah, got the girl.

Mary, but look, she left that cake.

Rose, we are going to win this bet. That cake will sit there until it turns as

green as this lettuce.

Remember Scarvelli's Pizza?

Yeah. Well, they have a delivery man there that is to die for. And all we

to do is... Max.

This stupid bed is driving me crazy. I should have known I could never go this

long without a man.

Take me, you animal.

Pizza. Oh, Mary lives another day.

Oh, I'm dreaming.

Oh, that's a gorgeous pizza.

I mean, man. Oh, I got to remember this bet, though.

Go away. I didn't order any pizza.

Sandra Clark, apartment J. Yes, but I didn't order... pizza, I smell

and I never have my pizza with anchovies unless I'm Shannon with a sailor.

Hey, um, mind if I come in and use the phone to check this out?

Phone's over there.

Get a grip, girl. Sandra's steady.

Sure he's young, gorgeous, built like the Buick.

But he's just a pizza delivery man. He can't afford me.

Dag, it's busy.

Means I'll be making deliveries all night, and I gotta take my bar exam in

morning. Ooh, so he's gonna be rich.

Oh, relax.

He's probably married.

Man, this is a week.

First I break up with my girlfriend, and now this.

Hey, uh, you know, I think I will take that pizza after all. Call up your boss

and tell him that you quit.

Sandra, can we come in?

It's an emergency.

Oh, no. I changed my mind. Quick, get out of here. Okay.

Oh, but wait, wait. You've got to get out of here without those ladies seeing

you. Oh, look, hide behind the screen.

Oh, wait, wait. Now, now, look, if I say mozzarella, you make a run for it. But

if I say Max, then you hide, okay?

Boy, this is a witch.

Oh, what are you two doing here?

Oh, Sonny, your plumbing's about to burst.

Why? Are we interrupting something?

Oh.

I'm spending a nice quiet evening at home alone with my teddy bear.

Mary, look. She's ordered a pizza.

Mm -hmm. I'll just take it and then get out of here.

Sausage, pepperoni, olives, mushrooms, mozzarella.

Max!

Mm -hmm. There's a man in here.

Okay, we win the bet.

All right, Sandra, where's Max?

He's right over here on the floor.

My little Teddy Max bed.

Oh, I just love this bed so much.

Okay, Mary, let's go and check out the plumbing.

Right, start in the bathroom.

Oh, mm, this mozzarella smells great.

getting to worry about you. You're getting a little too familiar with that

animal.

Well, the plumbing's all right in the bathroom.

Let's go check out the bedroom.

Okay.

Mozzarella.

Look, next time do us both a favor.

Order chicken.

No plumbing in the bedroom.

Sorry we bothered you, Sandra.

Coming.

Oh, hi.

Hello, my name is Adita Best, and I'm a sunshine girl. We're raising money to

buy a summer camp.

Don't tell me you're selling something.

Cookies, only $2 a box.

I'm sorry, but I'm on a diet.

A woman with your figure on a diet?

How sweet.

I bet your father's a used car salesman, too, isn't he?

Anyway, thank you.

I haven't made one sale yet.

And all the other girls will be going to camp except me.

Okay, okay, what kind of cookies do you have?

Chocolate chocolate chip, chocolate covered peanut butter, chocolate mint,

double chocolate fudge.

Double chocolate fudge. You want those?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Honey, you don't want to go to some crummy old camp.

You are going to buy any.

Okay, okay, I'll buy some.

Here, now eat these on your way to camp.

Oh, no, I promise, Miss Clark, I'll leave them here.

Mary, stop looking at those cookies. Be strong.

Mary, eat me.

I'm losing my mind.

I've got to have those cookies.

So glad you're home. You may not be when you hear my news. I invited somebody

for dinner. His name is Howard Ludlow.

Oh, a business associate?

No, he's an architect, but he knows everybody in D .C., and he can throw a

of work my way.

Well, good.

I'll just fix one of those nice, low -calorie, dietetic dinners that we can

eat. Oh, no, you don't, Mary Jenkins. I've been raving about your cooking, and

this guy's been looking forward to a big spread.

Lester, you know if I cook all that food, I won't be able to resist it.

Mary, I understand that, but this is important to me.

I'll see what I can do.

I

don't

believe it. You let two live ones get away.

Oh, you're right, girl. I'm faking it.

Oh, this bitch.

Well,

Sandra, this is indeed a pleasant surprise.

It's not every day that I encounter a woman so lovely as you during the course

of my appointed rounds.

You know, Ray, you don't look so bad yourself today.

Well, you can't blame a man for trying.

What you say?

There's only one thing I like more than a man in uniform.

Oh, Lord, here it comes. What?

A freckle -faced man.

Dare I dream?

Precious, I believe you were saying something about my freckles.

Freckles? I thought those were liver spots.

You know, Ray, you make sure that you put the male in the room.

Next time, okay? Hey, man.

Hey,

girl. Hi. I just want to make sure what apartment he was going to.

Oh, thanks. He's okay.

You're telling me.

Howard, I'd like you to meet my lovely wife, Mary. Hello.

Hi, Barry.

Why was that lady checking on me?

Oh, brother, I'm sorry. It's because of that bet I told you about.

You mean she's the one that's giving up men?

You're going to be skin and bones before this is over.

That was not Sandra. That was Pearl. And Lester had no business telling you.

Look, Mary, I had to tell him why you were going to be eating seaweed while we

had real food.

I'll have a seat. Thanks.

Speaking of food,

what's on the menu?

Well, we're going to start with a nice bowl of clam chowder. And then we're

going to have a zesty Caesar salad.

And then I've prepared a nice, moist, juicy, succulent prime rib.

And then we're having candied yams.

Dripping with butter and cinnamon.

Why don't you give this up?

And let Sondra win the bet? Please. She's impossible enough to live with.

Why don't you invite Sondra down here?

I'll kiss her, and the bet will be over.

It's not going to be that easy.

She's right, Howard. Sondra's doing everything to keep from thinking about

Bowling with nuns, knitting classes.

CPR at the YWCA?

And that's just so she can kiss the dummy.

I don't mean to brag, but I've never been turned down by a woman.

Well, I don't doubt it, Holland. I was quite a ladies' man myself, but even I

got turned down once.

When? When was I turned down?

When were you a ladies' man?

Uh, it's just a figure of speech, babe.

I'll tell you what.

If I can't get Sondra to kiss me before the night's over, then, uh, remember

that hotel I built in Jamaica?

Yeah. You and Mary can have two weeks free of charge.

Hey, if you kiss her, I win the bet.

But then we don't go to Jamaica.

Yeah.

My ego or Jamaica.

So, what's it gonna be?

Day O.

There's still a piece of juicy, succulent prime rib on your plate.

I don't know, babe. Everything was delicious, but I'm full.

Eat it!

I'm sorry.

It's this diet I'm on.

You live longer, but you hate everybody.

I'm going in the kitchen to get dessert.

Be prepared to call the paramedics.

Now, don't worry, Lester. I'll put a stop to all this.

So, when is the victim arriving?

Oh, it sounds like she'll be here shortly. But you don't have to go

this. I don't want to take advantage of you.

Lester, Lester, you're not going to win this bet.

Oh, come on, Howard.

What's that?

Oh, it's a little something I picked up in Sweden.

They don't allow it in the United States.

Smells pretty strong. It is.

They use it in zoos to help mate elephants.

Honey, are we going on another honeymoon?

Can you get a hold of yourself?

It's just some super cologne hard put on. We can forget Jamaica.

Why, you think we're going to lose the bet?

If the wind is right, I could lose you.

Should I ask?

I know you, Mary Jenkins.

I know this is some kind of trick. That's why I'm wearing this blindfold.

That's right, son. You can't trust Mary.

I know that smell anyway.

What smell?

It's two elephants mating.

You can't fool me, Mary. I'm going right back upstairs.

Good evening.

My name's Howard.

That don't sound like no elephant.

If you're going to go upstairs, I might as well get in my red Ferrari and drive

to the airport and take my private jet to my villa in the south of France. Oh,

sure.

Hi.

Oh, Mary, go and bake yourself a cake in the kitchen because you're getting

ready to eat.

You can't give up that fast. You've come too far.

What is it? Do you want me to stay away from this guy?

You got something going on with him yourself, girl?

Why don't we sit down and get better acquainted?

So, uh, when are you heading back to the monastery?

No, no, no, no. Pay no attention to her.

And may I say, it's been a long time since I've met anyone as lovely as you.

I know.

Man, I can't stand it no longer.

It's getting dangerous. I almost ate my goldfish.

What a man.

We got her this time.

You know, I picture us in Hawaii.

Underneath the swaying palm trees while the romantic moon glistens off the

water. I hear it rains in Hawaii. It gets real muddy this time of year.

Which side are you on?

We will tiptoe to the surf wearing nothing but... Oh,

I thought I saw something in my eye.

Do you mind?

What are you doing? We could have won the bet.

Keep an eye on them.

I made a bet with Howard. If he doesn't kiss Sandra before he leaves, we go to

Jamaica. What?

After I've been torturing myself all week, suffering?

This is a free trip to Jamaica, Rose.

Well, I'm not going for it, Mary. Or should I say Benedict Arnold?

I want to win this bet.

Excuse me.

I don't believe we've met. My name is Rose Holloway. Howard Ludlow. Oh, I can

see that you and Sondra are hitting it off so well. And you know, love is

a many.

down here, but I'm confused. I'm weak. I'm faint. And I'm frustrated. I'm going

upstairs.

Good. And while you're up there, take yourself a nice cold shower. I won't be

enough. I'm going to sit right in the refrigerator.

I feel a little faint myself.

Howard!

Oh, stand back, Mary. I've been taking those CPR lessons.

Oh, I know just what to do. Let me see now.

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