Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

If your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with all the pain. No, no.

Pulling together, we'll make it round.

With number of friends, I know we can fly. There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

With all that love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home.

There ain't no place like home.

I mean, no clay jars.

Well,

how does it look?

Mary, I got to hand it to you.

That is the ugliest picture I have ever seen.

Well, the hole it's hiding is even uglier.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Lester. Hi, Lester. Well, I got the plaster and a putty knife.

What happened to the hole on the wall?

What am I supposed to do with all this plaster?

You, Mary!

I got an idea.

You ever heard of Plaster of Paris?

Yeah. Well, we'll call this Plaster of Sondra.

Mary, guess what you're looking at.

Now, I know you don't want me to answer that.

I'm the new representative for Luscious Lingerie.

Luscious Lingerie?

I'll see y 'all later. I got to go rent this apartment. See ya.

Wait for me, because you got a habit of running to riffraff.

Well,

I want to wish you luck, Sandra, and I hope you're very successful with your

career. Oh, that's a sweet lesson. Just for that, if you want to buy anything,

I'll give you 20 % off.

Oh, no thanks. Those things always kind of ride up on me.

Bye -bye, everybody.

I'm off to make a lot of women happy.

Uh, doesn't she have that wrong?

That's how they talk in dippy land.

Mom, Dad, you are never going to believe this. Our new history teacher gave me

an A.

You got an A in history, your weakest subject?

Okay, how much you paying?

Come on, Mary, now we should be proud of her. He gave me an A, too. All right,

where'd you get the money?

That's it, shower me with praise.

Well, I'm sorry, honey. We know you're a good student. But the most you've ever

got in history is a wobbly thief.

Yeah, but that was before Mr.

McMillan, our new history teacher.

He makes history fun to learn.

Yeah, even I don't want to miss history.

Well,

I can't wait to meet the teacher that can turn things around that fast.

Well, you can see for yourself tomorrow are parents' night.

Tomorrow night is parents' night? And you are just now telling us?

Well, I didn't know I was going to get an A until now.

History. History.

History. Why does one teach history?

Well, so we can learn from our mistakes.

And why is Dan Quayle the vice president?

No mistake.

I also like to...

in my teaching plan people in American history who have never given up. For

example, take the Wright brothers. Please, stop it!

Now, had the Wright brothers given up, do you realize where we'd all be today?

We'd be at an airport waiting for a bus.

Isn't it great, Mom?

Well, so far the most serious thing he's said is, my name is Dylan McMillan. And

even that got a laugh. My teachers were never this funny.

Now I also like to talk about the darkest moments of American history.

I, World War II, the Civil War, and the day they canceled Punky Brewster.

Punky Brewster, this guy is great.

Oh, I got to go answer my paper.

Now, if anyone has any questions, please don't hesitate to stop me.

Stop. I hate that.

My name is Mary Jenkins. I'm Brenda Jenkins' mom.

Brenda, well, well, you brought your mom.

Did you bring one for everybody?

Mr.

McMillan, you know, I've been listening for a long time, and I haven't heard you

mention the word homework once.

Well, I won't mention it if you don't.

I'm serious, Mr. McMillan. I mean, what kind of assignments do you like to give

out? Well, I'm going to let the class answer that.

Guys? No homework, Dylan.

Did I hear you call him Dylan?

It's a loose class, Mom.

Okay.

Dylan, what kind of test do you give?

Ooh, she said the T word. It's good to you.

A bunch of stress.

Kids cram in the whole thing all night. They stay up late. They miss a lot of

valuable TV.

Can't listen to their new Pebbles album.

And then what happens the next day after the test is over? They forget

everything. Right, guys?

Right, Dylan.

Okay, so, no homework, no test.

How do you know they're learning anything?

Well, they must be. They're all getting A's.

Thank you very much for coming. I got another group coming in, and I got to

up my whoopee cushion.

See you.

Mary, let's go get some refreshments. I hear they got some blue jello.

I want to say hello to the principal. All right.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Mary. What's up? Hey, Pearl.

Hi, Mary. Well, guess what?

Brenda's great history teacher finally gave some homework. Oh, your little talk

with the principal did some good, huh? Oh, you think so?

The assignment was to discuss Lincoln, the man, the car, and the tunnel.

I'm so tired.

How much luscious lingerie did you sell today?

Nothing.

My second husband was a real salesman. He sold me on my third husband.

or maybe it's your sales pitch.

Impossible. Well, I'll show you. Mary, you be the customer.

Oh, all right.

Yes? Good morning. I'm your luscious lingerie representative, and I have some

beautiful things I'd like to...

My hand slipped.

As I was saying, most women think lingerie isn't important, but we at

believe that is the foundation of a woman's wardrobe and the essential

ingredient to a happy marriage.

Well, we at the Jenkins household feel that love is essential to a happy

marriage and that lingerie is something that you hang in the shower to dry.

Yes. Well, that's it with you. I'm here to help bring some excitement into your

dull, pathetic life. It should be great, but I'm not going to.

With an approach like that, I don't see how anybody could resist. Right, Pearl?

Yeah. I want one in all the colors.

Sandra, what is wrong with you? You can't just go off because somebody gave

a little rejection.

Well, that's easy for you to say, Mary. I'm not used to rejection.

Like you.

Well, at least that got her in the house.

Hi, Mom.

Hey, everybody.

Mom, you remember Dylan.

How could I forget?

Oh, this is Mr. McMillan, Brenda's history teacher.

Oh. No, I used to teach history.

Now I'm history.

What is he talking about? Mom, he's been fired.

Oh, no. Mom, can you believe some dopey parent complained to the principal?

Oh, my, my, my.

Can you imagine that?

Rose, don't you have an apartment to rent? Mm -hmm. But this is much more

interesting.

Tell me, did you find out who that dopey parent was?

Mom, I hope you don't mind, but I invited Dylan over for dinner. He's

very depressed.

She had to promise me something to get me off of that ledge.

Dylan, isn't your class on the ground floor?

Yes, but when you're depressed, any ledge will do.

The thing of it is, I thought I was a good teacher.

All right, once in a while, my socks didn't match.

Sometimes I'd have a bag over my head. Who doesn't?

You know, you were a good teacher, and I don't understand why that parent

complained. Well, Brenda, there's always some loudmouth troublemaker who spoils

it for everybody else.

Right, Mary?

You know,

if only this person had the decency to come to me first.

Oh, no, that's not their way.

Those kind of people like to sneak around behind everybody's back to do

dirty work.

Slimey Johnson.

Every night he'd wait till everybody's gone to sleep, and then he'd pick his

slimy butt and just go... Honey, could you help me in the kitchen?

Oh, excuse me. We'll be right back.

This was gonna be a clean Army story, Mary.

Don't you mean slimy, loud -mouthed troublemaker Mary?

What?

You? You're the one that got that poor guy fired?

After I asked the principal to monitor his class, I didn't ask him to fire him.

Oh, you didn't pull the trigger. You just aimed the gun.

If I'd want to hear that, Lester, I would have invited him in the kitchen.

talk about this later. Let's just get through the evening, please.

So, how's everybody doing?

Everybody having fun, fun?

Dylan, I know what it's like to be in the depths of despair.

I got an A - once.

Please, get a life.

it was a computer error oh well excuse me good night alexandria good night

well i better be going as well i mean i gotta get up early tomorrow's the school

day whoops not for me well thank you very much for everything bye dylan we'll

help you out it'll all work out dylan

Mom, we have to do something to help Dylan out. Maybe you can talk to the

principal. Honey, Mr.

Cromwell's been running the school for a long time. Now, I'm sure he knows what

he's doing. Besides, he'd never listen to me. Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Esther.

But, Mom, you saw how good Dylan was at parents' night?

Well, to tell you the truth, honey, on parents' night, he didn't show me doodly

-squat.

Come on, Mom, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were the one to complain.

Well, your mother didn't really complain. She just... Esther.

and I was not trying to get him fired.

Well, that's what you did. How am I ever going to face my friend?

Don't tell him it was your mother.

They'll never speak to me again.

Oh, come on, Brenda. Yes, they will.

Not if they're as mad as I am because I'm never going to speak to you again.

Didn't get much sleep last night, huh, babe?

No. I felt guilty about Macmillan and I was worried about Brenda.

Oh, he'll survive, and she'll start talking to you again, eventually.

Daddy, will you tell your wife not to bother making my lunch? I'll buy it at

school.

Ask if she's moving and going to work.

Look, Brenda, I had to talk to the principal because I wanted to be sure

Macmillan was teaching you something.

Oh, Daddy, will you tell your wife... No, now, wait a minute. What am I, a

federal express?

Look, I want you all to talk this thing out and resolve it before I get home

from work. Goodbye.

Well, now that Western Union is gone, would you care to send up smoke signals?

I'm sorry, Mom. It's just that I feel bad about Dylan.

I understand that, honey, but you have to think of my side.

I mean, it's my job to see that you got a good education.

Mom, I was, and he's a good teacher, honestly. But what's he going to do now?

needs a job.

Well, your father and I will see if we can come up with something.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, and Mom, I changed my mind. Can you make my lunch?

I already did.

Despite the immature way you behave, I was nice enough to fix you a nutritious

lunch. Thank you.

I hope you like peanut butter with tuna.

peanut butter with tuna.

Now, mother's fighting with your mother, huh?

Now, Mary, now, I know you won't agree to this in a million years, but would

host a lingerie party for me in your apartment and invite all your friends?

I ain't never bothered to ask you.

I'll do it.

Ooh, you will?

On one condition.

What?

It's lingerie day at the Club 227.

Are you ready for a good time, ladies?

Oh, yeah!

I can't try on lingerie in front of a man.

Emma, if you're going to try on lingerie, don't do it in front of us

Think of me as a doctor.

A doctor of lingerie.

I'll handle this.

I'm the luscious lady. You're just the luscious lady's lowly assistant.

The first item I'd like to show you is item number 245, blue expectation.

Now, girls, I'm telling you, when you wear this, you know what you can expect.

Nobody will notice your raggedy bathroom.

Oh, but it's blue, Emma. It'll go so much better with your varicose veins.

Well, how about this?

Midnight surprise.

Now, Rose, Rose, this is it.

I'm telling you, this is perfect. It might even get you a day.

Only $124 .95 for this midnight surprise.

Well, I got a one o 'clock surprise for you. I ain't buying it.

What have you got for wives whose husbands is dead?

Jumper cables.

This is our next item. It's very lovely.

It's called Catch Me. If you can.

It comes in three fluorescent colors. Stop, go, and look, everybody. The fleet

is in.

Now, who will take your order? Remember, ladies, only three to a customer.

Two.

One.

Anybody want to share one?

Child, this will drive Lester wild.

Oh, you need enticements like that, Mary.

Why, when I go to bed at night, I don't wear...

And what does your husband wear in his room?

Moving right along, next we have our luscious pièce de résistance.

That's because no man can resist this pièce.

Ladies, I'm telling you now, if you don't buy one of these, then you really,

really don't deserve to be called a woman.

Oh, child, I so love your sales pitch.

I can't wear anything like that. I don't know how to pronounce nothing like

that.

What is wrong with you all? I'm trying to give you elegance, class, trying to

get you to be feminine for once. Don't give me my stuff.

Oh, well, now, I don't have to take a beach like that. I am leaving. Are you

following me?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, wait.

This is stuff that women throughout history have been wearing.

Had Josephine worn A Night to Remember?

Napoleon went to spend his life with his hand in his jacket.

I'll take one of those.

Cleopatra, the most beautiful woman in the world, crossed the Nile to catch me

if you can, and Mark Antony caught her, so did Octavius and Julius Caesar. She

was easy to catch in a cold.

I'll take the same one that Cleopatra wore.

Honey, not the same one. Get a new one.

number 421.

Now, you know, there was no way she was going to sit on a cold horse with

nothing on, you know.

What about Joan of Arc?

I mean, child, if she had had on a bustier, there's no way she would have

burned at the stake.

Why? Yes.

Fireproof.

I'll take two of them. My husband smokes at night.

Well,

now, you see there? You made a nice commission and you got a whole new

Well, I don't think so.

Well, why not? I thought you were terrific.

Yeah, but I'm a teacher, and that's what I do best.

I might not have done it by the book. I don't even have the book.

But I talk to those kids, and they talk to me, and they ask questions, and I ask

questions. I really did teach them.

A teacher knows what stuff sinks in.

Well, he was so busy laughing at your jokes, I don't see how anything could

in. Okay, I clown around a lot.

But that's my way of getting their attention. And when you get their

attention... They learn.

Like today. I got their attention. I sold lingerie. In the classroom, I fell

history. It's cheaper. It lasts a lot longer.

And you could still respect yourself in the morning.

There you go.

Clowning again.

But it works.

I don't understand why most people don't see that.

Goodbye, Mary.

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Oh, no, you're not. You two are going to take a history test.

On Saturday, Mom, we're going to the movies.

Nightmare on 34th Street. Freddy Krueger tries to kill Santa Claus.

Look, I want to see how much history you two know.

Don't you think that's much more important than Freddy Krueger killing

Claus?

No. Well,

I do.

So, Brenda, who was the 30th president of the United States? Mom.

Wrong. It was not Mom.

Look, I'm trying to save Mr. McMillan's job. Do you want him to have it or not?

Oh, why didn't you just say so?

Okay, who was the 30th president?

The vacuum cleaner.

Hoover. Herbert Hoover elected 1928 after Calvin Cooper.

Not bad, but it gets tougher.

Okay.

Who said there is nothing to fear but fear itself?

Frankie, baby.

Sinatra? What was it there?

The 31st president.

Elected to four terms.

Created the New Deal, Social Security, OPA, WPA, TVA, want me to go on?

No.

It's Marty.

Who were the Molly Maguires?

Weren't they a 70s rock group? Uh, 1870.

Molly and a girl to fill the counter right. So? They created a group called

Anthrocytes.

What is he talking about?

Mom, that was a Dylanism. That's how we learned.

You see, the Molly Maguires were a secret society of Pennsylvania coal

the 1870s. Go ahead, ask us another one.

I don't have to.

It looks like you two deserved your A's.

I guess MacDonald was teaching you something after all.

Well, like Dylan says, the more you know, the further you go.

What do you think of my new 509?

Whoa, you put that on.

Oh, who is it?

Oh, hi.

I just wanted to say thanks for getting my job back.

Oh, I was glad to help.

These are for you.

Oh, how sweet.

How thoughtful.

How plastic.

Well, I give real ones to people who don't get me fired.

Okay, how'd you find out it was me?

35 kids chanting Death to Mary Jenkins.

Hi,

Death to Mary. Oh, Dylan, there you are.

Here's your keys.

And here's your lease. And here's your receipt for the first and last month's

rent, which you still owe me.

What's that all about? You know that apartment I've been trying to rent?

Dylan's taking it.

Yeah? Yeah, uh, wait a minute. What about pets?

Read my lease.

No pets allowed.

Bye, neighbor.

Bye, y 'all. Bye.

No pets.

Do you have any butter? I'm going to have to saute my goldfish.

I love this guy.

And I love this place. It's so convenient. Close to school, I can walk,

Lester can drop me off. Right, Les?

How much do you love him?

Less.

Well, since we're going to be neighbors, you know what they say.

Let bygones be bygones. Right.

That's what they say. I don't say that.

Well, I guess we learned something from all this.

What's that, babe? The next time there's parents' night, Brenda is an orphan.

Now, about this 509, let's go to the 204.

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