Original subtitles

We'll see you next time.

No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. There ain't no place like. There

ain't no place like. There's no place like home.

I mean, no place like.

at that ladies' auxiliary meeting last night.

Downright amazing.

Everybody paid their dues.

Even Miss Zondra had her dues money.

Mary, what was the treasurer's report?

Child, I collected $132 towards the choir robes. Oh, get out!

You know, we haven't collected that much money since we all chipped in for

Lucille's facelift.

Yeah, now her face is so high she can't even look down and talk to us.

Well, Mary, did you put the money away?

Oh, don't worry, honey. It's safe. I put it in the vault. All right.

Yeah, but Les has got the combination.

Don't worry, Pearl. First chance I get, I'm going to put it in the bank.

Look, I'm going downtown tomorrow. I'll put it in there for you.

Gee, I don't know, Pearl. Is your vault big enough?

Well, I know one thing. Ain't nobody got the combination.

Ladies, can you tell me what apartment Sandra Clark lives in?

Mark? Sandra Mark.

Oh, Mark family, they moved out about two years ago. Went to Cleveland.

No, hers, Albania. Big family there.

For goodness sake.

She's on the third floor, apartment J.

Thank you.

Stupid.

Remind me never to knock over a gas station with you.

Oh, Rose, I'm the first one to say there ought to be a law against Sandra.

Well, she wouldn't do nothing illegal.

Come to think of it, she did have her dues, though.

Hello, ladies.

Hi, Ray.

What's this police car doing here?

Someone a day late with their rent rolls? Oh, get up and get in the van.

What happened?

The boys are taking me downtown.

What for?

I'm sorry, ma 'am. We don't have time to talk.

Hi, Ray.

Officer, I never saw her before in my life.

Okay, thanks very much, Sergeant.

Well, was she there? No, she wasn't there either.

Well, I think you all are making too much out of this.

Then why can't we find out what police station she's at?

Well, maybe she's in solitary.

Pearl, the woman has never been alone a day in her life.

That's probably her now.

Oh, Lord. Ray, what do you want? Now, Mary, don't start. I'm here to get some

official information.

I'm talking facts.

Okay. You freckle -faced and ugly.

And that's a fact.

Rose, where do I fall in Sandra's mail?

Beats me.

She could be on her way to love and work by now.

That's a prison for men.

Yes, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

And stole the uniform.

How did you get over that barbed wire fence?

What are you talking about?

Well, Sergeant, we saw the police take you away.

To the house of many slammers.

Oh, they were taking me to work. See?

Sergeant, are you a cop?

As of this morning, I'm an official member of the police department.

If they give her a gun, I'm moving.

Actually, I'm temporarily assigned to the Vehicle Placement Enforcement

Division. What?

She's a meter maid, y 'all.

If Sandra is a meter maid, I'm going to start using slugs.

Good day, y 'all.

Well, this is just a temporary assignment. When I pass the test for the

I can become a full -fledged police officer.

Well, that certainly gives me a sense of security.

Yeah, I know I'll sleep better nights.

And you can thank Bill, that handsome piece of hunk that picked me up this

morning. He recruited me. He said I had just the right qualifications.

36, 24, 36.

Does he know your IQ is 0, 0, 0?

Now, Sandra, you know, this is just another one of your harebrained schemes

get surrounded by men.

Now, Mary, I resent that. I take my responsibility to uphold the law very

seriously.

And besides, Bill's got a thing for women in uniform.

Then why don't you join the Redskins?

Come on, Mary, let's give her a chance to do her job. She'll probably make a

very good meter maid.

Mm -hmm. She does have experience parking overtime.

Oh, Lester, thank you. And for being so nice, I'm going to save you a trip.

Here.

What's this?

A parking ticket.

You're an inch and a half into the red zone.

What? It's a 903.

It's a 904.

Oh, what's the difference? It's still $35.

You're giving me a ticket for an inch and a half in the red zone?

Hold it, Lester.

I haven't put in your attitude yet.

You still happy for her, Lester?

Want to chip in for a gift?

Imagine, Sandra Clark, working for the police.

Well, she's qualified for one thing.

The manhunt.

Come on, girl, let's go get this sale.

You can't go nowhere until people are manning after you.

Girl!

Oh, thank goodness.

Did he get any of your money? He got a tube, my lipstick, my amber red, and my

purple eyebrow pencil, and my stun gun.

Your stun gun?

Well, why didn't you use it? I was too stunned.

Where did he get your money? Oh, no, he didn't get a cent of my money. Oh,

that's a relief.

But he got all y 'all's dues money.

Now, Pearl, honey, you just calm down.

Here's your tea.

And don't even think about blaming yourself for losing the money.

I don't. I blame...

I came over as soon as I could. Are you okay? Yes, officer.

Go down to the police station and fill out a report.

Oh, I could save you a trip. You're looking at one of Washington's finest.

You're a meter maid, son. A meter maid.

Well, I'm still capable of taking a report.

I read the chapter on it last night. Now, just the facts. Name?

You know her name.

Okay, I'll skip that section.

Now, in your own words, what happened? Well, I was walking through the park at

Olive Street, and I was carrying my black alligator bag.

Oh, Pearl, that's too funny. for me for the day. You saw me carry it out in the

evening. Yes, Pearl.

Next time, remember to get mugged in the evening.

Then what happened? Well, I sat down on the bench and somebody come up behind me

and snatched my purse.

Aha! Can you give me a description?

Oh, I saw a hand with five fingers.

Well, that eliminates everybody with six fingers.

Pearl, you mean you only saw his hand? Mm -hmm. But if I ever see it again, I'm

going to shorten his lifeline.

Don't try to leave town. You're under the jurisdiction of the Penal Code, the

Municipal Code, and the Morse Code.

And, Pearl, remember, you have the right to remain silent.

And so do you.

Come on, now. Let's go to the police station.

All right.

Okay, great. I mean, I'm tired of them. I know. You can't even go to the police.

Do nothing.

Pearl?

What'd they say?

Well, that was a waste of time.

Anyway, thanks for bringing us home, Officer Sims.

That's all right. The captain wanted you all out of there as quickly as

possible.

He's been behind that desk too long.

I should have given him a ticket for impersonating an officer.

This is ridiculous.

The police can't do nothing about that mugger.

Well, you didn't give us much to go on. We need a little bit more than just a

description of his hand.

Well, next time we'll give you his ring size.

Well, on the way upstairs, Bill and I were talking, and he has a couple of

ideas. Oh, great. Do you have a plan?

Yes, Saturday we're going to start with a little dancing and maybe a candlelight

dinner.

I guess he's more interested in plan B. You know, the thief, the bad guy, the

perk.

Yes,

if you can tear yourself away from your social calendar, we'd like to get the

guy off the street.

Yes, well, I'm going to recommend that we stake out the park with policewomen

decoys. That punk makes a move, I'll grab him. I'll grab him where it really

hurts.

Good. Now, when are you going to do it?

Well, not for a while. The policewomen that we used aren't available.

They became hookers.

They must be underpaid.

No, no, no. They're decoying for the vice squad.

What? Congress is back in session?

Well, we're just going to have to put this on hold for a month or two.

Do you realize how many pocketbooks he could snatch by then?

Oh, Bill, can't you do something?

I'm sorry. My hands are tied.

Well, can I untie them for you?

No.

Well, I'm afraid that I can't help you very much. I better get going.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Sorry.

He's the one that's going to be sorry.

Saturday night, I'm going to put him on hold for a month or two.

Well, it's just not fair.

That mugger got away with all our dude's money, and all we got to do is stand

here and take it?

Rose is absolutely right.

I mean, it's absolutely disgusting.

And I'm not talking about the money. I know. I'm talking about the way things

have deteriorated to the point where sweet elderly little ladies can't walk

through a public park in broad daylight.

I hear you, ma 'am. Can't stop to enjoy the beauty of nature. Don't talk, John.

Can't hear the humming of the birds without worrying about their safety. Oh,

Their peace of mind. Their belonging.

Their pocketbook.

Pocketbook.

I mean, it's outrageous.

Outrageous. I said...

Wait a minute.

How can this vulnerable, fragile, delicate little creature ever hope to

sit or walk in the park again?

What can she do?

Next time I get a crowbar and beat that sucker silly.

All right.

I'm going to do something about this or I'm not policewoman Sandra Clark.

Meet a maid, Sandra Clark. Meet a maid.

Well, don't worry, Mary. Soon as I lay that mug, it's going to slip up and pop

in a toe zone, and I'll be right there waiting for it.

That's it. What?

I've got an idea.

I'll be here by the hot dog stand.

You hide behind the bushes.

Pretend to be looking for birds.

My first takeout.

I still don't know how I let you talk me into this.

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember.

Here they come now.

Come on, Mary. Hold up.

I'm 75 years old, Rose.

What do you want me to do, turn or flip?

And remember, ladies, you just wait.

Don't try anything fancy.

And these clothes?

Mary, it's a good thing you kept last year's dress.

I hope that job gives you hospitalization.

Ladies, ladies, please.

Please, I shouldn't even be here. I'm doing this on my off duty. If anything

goes wrong, it's going to be my neck.

Now, Sondra and I will be watching you the whole time.

Just relax and don't try to be heroes.

Heroes? I didn't even want to be an old lady.

You heard the man. He'll be watching us.

Are you safe?

Safe?

I'd be safe if I had my Reeboks on.

You mean your orthopedic Reeboks.

You're supposed to be old, remember?

I know.

supposed to be in our 80s? Uh -uh. You in your 80s. I'm in my 70s.

Well, you better sit down.

If we can.

Thank you.

Help me now. Help.

Well,

here we are.

Bugger bait.

I can't believe we're really doing this.

Me neither.

Why not? It was your idea.

I hope we're not in any real danger.

I'd like to live to be as old as I look.

Child, there ain't that much time left in life.

Well, Sandra, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be behind the bushes.

I want a hot dog.

You know how hungry you can get on a stakeout.

Okay.

What do you want, mustard, relish? The works.

Ooh -wee.

I'd catch that mugger who'd wish I was a nurse instead of a cop.

Sandra. I know, I know, I know. I'm only here to observe.

But if I help you collar him, I'll be a sense to make the academy.

No, no, no. No onions. I'm on duty.

Sandra, I have got to go buy the book.

Well, yeah, but if I become a policewoman, we can ride together day

Well, there is a new book coming out.

That's the second time that boy on the state board went by.

Did you notice his hands? Mm -hmm.

five fingers just like Pearl said.

I think I'll go tell Officer Sims.

You better let me go. I'm younger.

Girl, you leave me here alone. When you come back, there'll be nothing left but

a wig.

I'll be back in a minute.

Officer Sims, that boy on the skateboard, he had five fingers. Did you

No.

Don't give up your day job.

Sondra.

Sondra, did you see that skateboarder?

No, but I see a couple committing to 706.

706? That's a horse on the sidewalk.

Well, whatever it is, it's a couple doing their number.

Honey, if I ever start acting like that, just shoot me.

Bill, Bill, come quick, come quick, hurry up. It's an emergency.

What? What?

I'm lonely.

Is that it?

Well, I'm also... Oh, never mind.

This isn't what I thought it would be.

Where's the excitement? Where's the thrill in the chase?

Well, that's the way police work is. There's a lot of waiting around for

something to happen.

I used to do.

Well, this is new for me also.

My last two partners needed to shave.

Some women are like that.

I'm so nervous.

You want some tea? Yeah.

You know, sitting around like this is so tense and nerve -wracking.

But profitable.

That's the third time that guy on the skateboard has been biased.

I better go tell Sims.

No, no, no, no.

We'll go tell Finley.

Will you relax?

We're not looking for Jack the Ripper, you know. But they ain't caught him yet,

have they?

Wow. These binoculars are fabulous.

It's like Mary standing right in front of us.

I am standing in front of you.

Oh.

What is it, ladies?

Worry about that guy on the skateboard.

Sandra,

I think they suspect him.

I'll call headquarters and check it out.

Open up, 10 -4.

Come on, Rose, let's go back and be sitting ducks.

I bet there's him.

What do we do?

Shoot, Sims is on the phone.

Well, come on. We can't let him get away.

All right.

Get your hands up and turn around slow.

Bless his father for we are stupid.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I wonder if I can sit down.

I don't know. Can you bend?

I like a woman with five.

At your age, you should settle for a spark.

You know, you ladies look like you're out for a good time.

There's a party at the home tonight.

Terrific food.

Champagne. And complimentary oxygen.

Death loss.

Now, man, let's hear the man out.

There'll be party games and orchestra and dirty dancing.

Dirty dancing?

What do you take us for? Old ladies of the night?

Get off our bench.

I know what's bothering you. You want me to get you a date for your friend.

Hey, hey, buddy, buddy.

Hello, Tommy. How can I help you?

You gotta help me out here.

I got two live ones here.

These two?

At my age, if the vultures ain't circling over them, it's a date.

Ladies, what were your names again?

Uh, my name is Debbie Sue Anderson, and this is my friend, Muffy.

Pleased to meet you. Now, excuse me. I got to get home to my wife. What's the

rush?

The poor woman is helpless without me.

Look, I come through this park often. If you get stuck with someone like Whitney

Houston, check with me.

For my dead body. What? Oh, what was that?

Oh, she said it was time for a hot tonic.

Say,

you know, you two look familiar.

I got it.

Weren't you in...

I got to get going, old -timer. Don't stay out here too long. It'll get cold

soon. Yeah, well, don't you worry about me. All I got to do is rub these two

ladies together and warm things up.

Sergeant,

they need me back at headquarters.

There's been an emergency. I got to get right back.

I thought you were off duty.

Hey, when they need you, they need you.

We're going to have to call a stakeout off.

Oh, there goes my chance to be in the academy.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I better tell Mary and Rose.

Oh, no, no, Bill. You know, since you're in a rush, I'll tell them myself.

Well, okay.

Thanks.

I'll tell them all right.

Right after I catch that thief.

I'm going to get myself a drink of water.

Now, while I'm gone, I want you girls to think about love and romance.

That man's got a one -track mind.

We've got to get rid of him.

I can't believe it. Here comes that guy on the skateboard again.

Mary, he's got to be the mugger. Well, it's now or never.

Oh, Mary, you might as well forget this.

Pearl, I've been all over this park looking for you two.

Well, who is this lovely lady?

That's my daughter, Pearl.

I'm her baby daughter.

My name is Franklin McGee. Oh.

What do you think about hot tubs? Well, the sheets and pillowcases is all right,

but I do my unders in cold water.

Charming, charming.

ideas you've ever had. Something bad could have happened. I know.

Something bad like Whitney Houston needing a date, huh?

Would you believe I knew it was you all along?

No, because if you had, you would have known I was helpless without you.

Well, then I save that excuse for next time.

All this and we're still out of $132.

Oh, yeah.

That's what I came to the park to tell you all. When I washed my bra, I found

the money still pinned in there.

I lost for nothing.

Well, I still didn't find my stun gun.

They threw

me out.

They didn't even recommend me for a pension.

Oh, and the guy got away.

Oh, no, they caught him. Oh, well, see, maybe we did help.

No, no, they just got lucky. Somebody complained about a wild... noisy party

they dragged him out of the hot tub.

There goes my ride.

Sandra, I thought you were off the police force.

I am, but tonight I took my exam for the fire department.

Bye.

Well, since everything turned out okay, I'm going to take all you ladies out for

dinner. All right.

Sweet of you.

Now get back into your costumes.

For what? I get a discount for taking out senior citizens.

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