All language subtitles for 227 s04e09 The Night They Arrested Santa

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we
can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam. Cause there ain't no place

like. There ain't no place like. Cause
there ain't no

place like. There's no place like. I
mean no -play child.

Woman with eggnog coming through.

Where's the nut man? Woman with eggnog
going back.

Okay, Mom, the mistletoe's up. Quick,
call Calvin before it wilts.

Oh, no.

I got a better idea. You call Billy Dee
Williams and I'll stand under the

mistletoe.

You're in a good mood today, Mom.

Well, that's because it's Christmas Eve.
And we should remember.

If things go wrong, it's the season to
be jolly.

Fa -la -la -la -la -la -la.

Hi. Oh, Edna!

It needs more nutmeg.

Oh, Naomi.

I won't be able to make your Christmas
party tonight.

It's nothing personal. It's just that
something better came along.

Well, Miss Clark, everybody's coming to
the party to exchange gifts.

Oh, don't worry. I'll drop your gifts
off before I leave.

Oh, that's not necessary, Sandra.

Your leaving will be gift enough.

Well, where will you be going, Miss
Clark?

Yours truly will be spending her
Christmas Eve on her boyfriend Phil's

jet on our way to Bethlehem.

Wow!

Bethlehem is real!

No, Pennsylvania.

Hi, Daddy.

Ooh!

Man, mistletoe!

That's the unfiring squad.

They believe in us.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Hi, honey.

Hi, baby.

Boy, that department store was insane.

Oh, my poor baby fighting off all those
harried shoppers just to buy me a...

What'd you say you were getting me?

I never said, but that's a nice charm,
eh?

Is it those diamond earrings you've been
promising me for years? The ones you

want so badly that I'd be a fool if I
didn't get them for you sooner or later?

Uh -huh.

Never heard of them.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, Alexandra, there you are.

Well, it's Christmas Eve. Are you
excited?

Actually, I'm feeling a little sad.

Oh, that's right. This is your first
Christmas away from home.

Is it because you miss your daddy?

No, it's because school closed.

She is so weird.

Here's the final eggnog.

Drink it or wear it.

I'm drinking, I'm drinking.

Who put all this nutmeg in here?

Alexandria, would you like to put the
star on the tree?

No, thanks.

Well, then how about you get your
stocking and I'll hang it up here with

rest of them? Isn't that a little
childish?

Alexandria, haven't you ever hung your
stocking by the fire?

Only when they were wet.

Honey, exactly what do you do at
Christmas time?

Nothing. You see, when I was a little
kid, my father and I decided we'd never

celebrate Christmas.

I know I'm going to hate myself for
asking, but why?

Because Christmas is too commercial.

It's all about people spending money
they don't have in order to buy other

people things they don't need.

That's not true. Everything on my list I
need.

Alexandria, honey, gifts are just one
way of showing people that you care.

See, that's what Christmas is about.

Sharing and love.

Maybe for you it is, but not for me.

How can someone not believe in
Christmas?

Oh, you heard her, Rose. She's never
really had one.

Well, her father's away and she's
staying with us. And if there's anybody

can turn someone on to the Christmas
spirit, it's this family.

Right. Even if we have to ram it down
her precocious little throat.

Who's gonna be the first to try my
famous Christmas fruitcake?

Now, don't everybody fight over it.
That's pretty for everybody. Lester?

Um, actually, Pearl, your fruitcake
looks pretty good.

So does the leather jacket.

And they taste about the same.

You know, this food is even better than
it was last year. Thanks, everybody.

You really outdid yourself with the
sweet potato pie, Rose. Oh, thank you,

Pearl. But you know, it doesn't compare
to Mary. Please come.

Oh, Rose.

Now, you see there, Alexandria, you see
how this season just brings out the best

in everybody?

People are always in good moods at
parties. Oh, well, it kind of does.

Let me handle this, Mary.

Now, Alexandria, this holiday has a very
special meaning. You take away the

Christmas tree, you take away the
mistletoe, you take away all this

food, and what have you got?

Hanukkah.

She's all yours, Mary.

Merry Christmas, Alexandria.

Hello, Miss Clark.

To say anything else would be
hypocritical.

Ooh.

What's with little Ebenezer's new jet?

She doesn't believe in Christmas.

Doesn't believe in Christmas?

Kid, Christmas is the one time a year
when you make out like a bandit.

Sandra, didn't you say you had some
place to go?

Yeah, yeah, I'll meet my date outside,
Phil.

Alexandria, this is the time of year
when Santa Claus gets in his sleigh and

flies all over the world to bring good
little girls toys and games and dolls

diamonds.

Santa Claus.

Get real, Miss Clark.

Okay, listen up.

When I was a little girl, I used to stay
up all night on Christmas Eve waiting

for Santa, just tingling. with
anticipation.

So excited I couldn't get a wink of
sleep.

Sounds very stressful.

Did I say what I was wearing? Goodbye,
Sandra.

Bye, everybody. Merry Christmas.

Bye. Merry Christmas.

Imagine that child not believing in
Sandy Claus.

May as well not believe in Bill Cole.

out on a cold night like this.

Freezing my antlers off.

Well,

I'd sure like to stay and find out if
you're naughty or nice, but you know,

St. Nick, got a lot of Christmas cheer
to spread around.

Yeah, the little kids must be expecting
a lot of... Oh, you... Santa, how would

you like to do a special Christmas favor
for me?

Ho, ho, ho.

No, no, no.

No, there's a little girl upstairs. who
could use some of your Christmas cheer.

Oh, a little girl.

Well, look, I'd really like to help,
lady, but this is my busy season. Merry

Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.

But Santa, Santa, it would mean a lot to
me.

An awful lot.

Sandra, what are you doing back?

Alexandria.

Got anything for me?

Oh, just a little sage advice, young
man.

College women, go for it. Ho, ho, ho.

Well, where's the little girl who
doesn't believe in Christmas?

Alexandria, say hello to Santa Claus.

He came all the way from the North Pole
just to meet you.

Is that the magnetic North Pole or the
geographic North Pole?

It's the one with all the snow.

Oh, you're just a guy in a suit.

Well, old St. Nick has got to wear
something.

It's the law.

Well, I think you're funny.

Well, look, of course I'm not the real
Santa Claus, but do you want to know why

I'm really dressed like this?

Because it's your job and you're getting
paid for it.

No, because for the last six hours, I've
been giving out gifts and candy canes

to children who otherwise wouldn't have
any Christmas at all.

You mean you do that to make them feel
good?

Well, yes, but mostly to make me feel
good.

Right, because that's what Christmas is
all about.

Oh, Mrs. Jenkins, do you still want me
to put that star on the tree?

Now you're talking.

I say we ignore it.

description of the suspect.

Settle down one at a time.

Now, uh, you, miss, can you give me an
identification?

Well, I got a cute little beauty mark,
but I don't think it's the place to show

it.

Officer, I can tell you what he looked
like. All right.

He had a red nose, a red suit, and a
twinkle in his eye. A beard like cotton

candy. And a round...

seen this guy.

Hey, I got it. It's Santa Claus.

Well, they sent the best.

Oh, Santa. See?

You know, what is this world coming to?

I hate this job.

Well, we've been over the neighborhood.
That dude is long gone.

Yeah, all we found was this.

I'll get an APB out on him right away.

Next thing you know, the Easter Bunny's
gonna be knocking off liquor stores.

When they catch that weasel, I hope they
throw the book at him. Yeah.

Why'd we let him in here in the first
place?

We didn't.

All right, go ahead and say it. I know
you're thinking it. It's all my fault. I

bought the guy a picture. Say it. It's
all my fault.

It's all your fault.

Why did you say that?

I was just trying to help Alexandria.

This wouldn't have happened if you
weren't normal, little child.

Christmas I have ever had.

How about that Christmas you got your
tonsils taken out? Well, the doctor took

them out. He didn't steal them.

I can't believe this.

Christmas without any gifts.

It's gonna be just like any other day.
All that money we spent down the drain.

You see what happens?

Once the gifts are gone, the spirit goes
with them.

Oh, wait a minute, everybody. She's
right.

Here we are talking about Christmas
being about loving and caring, and all

doing is moaning and groaning about
gifts.

Yeah, I agree. So we don't have any
presents. That's not the important

Right. Everybody knows it's the thought
that counts.

I want plenty, Mom.

Those are just words.

They are not, Brenda, and I'll prove it
to you.

Honey, how would you have liked tickets
to the Bullets and Lakers game?

Oh, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

That's right.

That's the best game I never saw.

Uh, Brenda.

How would you like to have had an
iridescent purple watch?

You got me the watch, and that guy took
it. But wasn't that nice of your father?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks, Daddy.

Rose, remember that silk scarf we saw in
the window at Gildorf's?

He stole my scarf!

Oh, Mary, that was so thoughtful of you.

And it was the designer's original, one
of a kind.

I got you the same thing, Rose.

Who was the designer, Zero?

Oh, uh, you see, Alexandra, I'm twice
blessed.

Calvin, where'd you get your
grandmother?

What difference does it make? It's gone.

Oh, Grandma, I got you something you've
always wanted.

Your very own Walkman.

Oh, you're such a good boy, Calvin.

I should have got you something.

You guys are really losing it. I mean,
you don't have any of these things.

I know, but look how good we feel.

Daddy, what'd you get, Mom?

Oh, babe, I got you those diamond
earrings.

What?

You should have got them last year. Then
I would have them instead of that no

-good sewer rack. Mary!

Shut up, Rose!

All you lost was a lousy scarf. We're
talking diamonds here.

Mary, what happened to it's the thought
that counts.

Another cliche bites the...

Well, I guess I blew that.

That girl is hopeless.

Well, you know, nobody's hopeless.

They used to say I was hopeless when I
was a kid, but look at me now.

What's your point, son?

Well, I say we still keep trying. You
know, let's don't give up hope yet.

The only thing that can show Alexandria
the true spirit of Christmas is if that

Santa would have a change of heart and
came back.

For what, the TV?

It would take a miracle for that no
-good Santa to come back.

Yeah, a miracle.

Uh, that reminds me.

I've got to go and deck the halls with
boughs of holly.

Yeah, and I've got to go roast my
chestnuts on an open fire.

Uh, all right. Uh, the Harold Angels
thing.

Uh, I got to get out of here, too, babe.

But they took all the songs.

I'm not sure, but I'll go check.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas! Excuse me, Santa.

Where'd you get that costume?

Lady, I didn't hear the jingle of coins
in the pot.

Oh.

Okay, jingle, jingle.

Acme Costume Company. Thank you. They
closed five years ago.

Look, I'm desperate to get a Santa
costume.

Hey, how about yours?

How much would you take for it?

Twenty dollars.

Twenty dollars?

But it's for a worthy cause.

I'm trying to get a little girl to
believe in Christmas.

Thirty dollars.

Well, how do I look?

Not half as good as I do.

Well, thanks again, child.

Hey, thank you.

It's ladies' night at the hockey game.

Christmas gifts, little girl.

That's close enough.

I need you to open the front door for
me.

But who carries the key to the front
door? It's always open.

Well, Rose must have locked it because
of the theft.

Oh, I like your outfit, Mary.

Got a new tailor?

I'm dressed like this because I want to
convince Alexandria that the thief had a

change of heart.

For once, Mary, you and I think alike.

Why does that bother me?

I went and got some gifts. I went to the
drugstore. I got some samaras. I got

some cough drops. I got a house. What
about I got a mustard plaster?

Good. Now all you need is the flu.

Come on, help me open the window.

Oh, no, Mary. You're doing it all wrong.

And I guess you have a better idea.

Mm -hmm. You need just the right touch.

Okay.

Be my guest.

Well,

Fingers, I hope you didn't kill Pearl's
cat.

Obviously. We heard there was a gang of
Santa Claus thieves working the

neighborhood. Oh, no, you don't
understand. We live here.

Oh, this is your apartment.

Are you kidding? Did you see the project
in there?

Okay, we're going to take a little trip
downtown.

Oh, no, no, no, Mary, Mary, Mary.

Officer,

I can explain.

There's a guy wearing my dress, and he's
got my keys. He's on the way to the

hockey game.

This lady was just trying to help me get
in, because we got some mustard

plaster, some cough drops.

And some thermometers.

in the next cell trying to sleep.

Oh, by the way, Miss Clark, I
rescheduled your beauty parlor

10 a .m. Tuesday.

You got Mr.

Betty.

nobody told anybody.

You didn't tell anybody.

I thought you'd think it was a stupid
idea.

That never stopped you before.

jail. Why did we go wrong?

We thought if we could make Alexandra
think the thief had a change of heart,

she'd understand the meaning of
Christmas.

You mean you went through all that for
me?

You really must care about me.

Of course we do.

You really ought to be ashamed of
yourself.

What do you mean? You give Santa a bad
name.

Hey!

That's the guy that stole our stuff!

Hey, are you gonna believe a bunch of
jailbirds?

You ain't him.

Throw me a key.

Ripping people off drafts like that. You
all are free to go.

Thanks for coming.

Hey,

you're not going to press charges, are
you? Oh, you bet we are.

Yo, bro, where's your Christmas spirit?

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, hell.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, I guess it lets me off the hook.
It's going to be a wonderful Christmas

have to all.

Excuse me all the way.

I was just coming to release you guys.

How did you get out?

The other guard let us out when he put
the thief in.

Oh, what other guard? I'm the only one
on duty.

Oh, well, Merry Christmas.

Gee, that was strange.

Well, strange or not, I'm glad to get
out of here.

Yeah, let's go home.

Yeah, it's almost Christmas.

That a girl.

Say, Mary, you know that other guard had
a white beard and a twinkle in his eye.

Now, you don't suppose... Oh, no, what
am I saying? Let's go home.

Thank you.