Original subtitles

That no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

Know that you're loved. You don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Home together, we'll make it right.

No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. There ain't no place like. There

ain't no place like. There's no place like home.

I mean, no place like.

No. Lipstick, Marvin. Lipstick. Lipstick.

Did you say lipstick?

And the survey says lipstick.

That's the number one answer. The Bruners win the game. We'll be right

moment to play the Fast Money Round.

Mom, you got the number one answer again.

Well, of course I did, Brenda. Of course I did.

Game shows.

Hi, Lester. Oh, Mary, I'm so glad to be here. I need help.

I was just saying to Rose this morning, that child needs help.

No, no, this is serious. You know those opal earrings are yours? I need to

borrow them for my date tonight.

Oh, ask me later.

The feud's back on.

A game show?

I'm in a crisis and you ignore me for a silly little game show?

Are you ready to win some fast money?

Fast money? Ooh, those are my two favorite words.

Be right back in a minute to see if the Brutus can win $10 ,000.

$10 ,000?

a lot of earrings for $10 ,000.

Family Feud fans in the Washington, D .C. area, you too can appear on

and win valuable prizes because the Family Feud is coming to our nation's

capital. Honey, did you hear that? The Family Feud's coming here. We can get

What do you say?

And the survey says?

No.

Come on, Lester.

Well, I'll leave you two to your games. There's a couple of games of my own I

want to play.

You know, I can't believe it. We are actually going to be interviewed for

Feud. Isn't this exciting?

Oh, it always is.

I've been to hundreds of these things.

Yeah. Let me give you a tip. They're like people who are funny and think on

their feet.

That's why when they asked me my name, I told them I'm the Duke of Windsor.

Have you been on a lot of game shows?

No. I never get past the interview.

May I have your attention, please?

Welcome to the tryouts for Family Feud. Now, everybody relax. We just want to

know a little bit about yourselves and your family.

So, who would like to start?

I will.

Thanks, Duke, but we've already got you on file.

How about you, Miss?

Me? Mm -hmm.

Oh, well, my name is Mary Jenkins, and my husband's name is Brenda, and my

daughter's name is Lester.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so nervous.

I always watch your show. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry I'm late. I had to tear myself away from my ailing grandmother's

We've always been such a close family.

Please, have a seat.

What you doing here?

Just trying to give my grandmother a few moments of happiness.

You say your grandmother isn't feeling well?

Mm -hmm. In fact, seeing me on television is just about the only thing

get the poor dear back on her feet.

Mm -hmm, to change the channel.

And I'll just sit by Granny's bedside and clutch her feeble hand in mine and

we'll watch The Family Feud again.

Oh, it does so much to brighten her last few days.

I was saying I watch your show all the time. Oh, me too. That is whenever I'm

not babysitting my niece Alexandria or tutoring my brother Calvin or helping my

sister Rose.

It's your cousin Mary who's going to blow you a couple of pieces.

Come on, Mary, give me a break.

You two know each other?

Oh, no, no, no. I've never seen her before in my life.

I wish I could say the same thing. We're neighbors.

You are.

No, no, no, we're not. I'm moving.

Promises, promises.

You're just scared I'll get on that game show and win all the money.

The day you win Family Feud is the day Pearl wins the Boston Marathon.

I don't believe this.

Oh, Mary, you see what you did? You scared her off and you ruined my chance

be on television.

Oh, will you get serious? Nobody bought that Mother Teresa act.

I bought it.

Yeah, Duke.

That's why you ain't never been on no game show.

Thank you, Duke.

You don't even watch Family Feud.

I don't watch the dating game either, but I bet I know how it's played.

Ladies, my producer would like a word with you. Oh, did you say producer? Hi,

I'm Sergeant Clark.

I'd do anything to be on your show.

Oh, really?

Yeah, well, just a little.

I have good news for you because you've been selected to appear on The Family

Feud. What? You picked her over me?

Ain't this a blip? What kind of jive organization is this? Miss Jenkins, we

you too.

Well, we've decided to have a special neighbor versus neighbor edition of the

Family Feud, and we'd like you two to be team captains.

You want her to go up against me?

Well, child, I hope you got a whole lot of commercials, because the game will

last about five minutes.

Are you kidding? I'll eat you alive.

Great, then it's all settled. Just be here with your teams at 9 a .m. on

Thursday. I'll be here 9 sharp.

You may be here at 9, but you won't be sharp.

We don't want to just do the show. We want to win the show.

If we lose to Sandra, I will absolutely die. Aren't you going a little

overboard? I thought this was supposed to be for fun. You're making it sound

like war.

What could be more fun than beating Sandra?

Eating a home -cooked meal instead of this fast food junk.

You do this.

And fried chicken.

Macaroni and cheese.

Candied yams.

Black -eyed peas and cornbread.

And what's for dessert?

Teach college.

And anything you want.

Okay. Now, suppose they ask you, what is a condemned man's last request?

What would you say?

A home -cooked meal.

Oh, honey, it's a cigarette. Everybody knows a condemned man always asks for a

cigarette. Mary, I don't even smoke.

Would you forget what you do?

It's what the average person does.

You got to think like they think so we can get the points.

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

Hey, Pop.

Yes, you did it.

Pop,

what you doing here?

Hey, Mary called me and said we're going to war.

You wrote my father into this?

Sure did.

Hey, listen, I wouldn't miss this for nothing in the world. Well, I've been

watching game shows since, um... What's my line?

Beep, that's one down and nine to go.

Oh, Mary, listen.

You're the family feud expert.

When are you going to tell us what teams we're on? Oh, they don't. We have to

decide that for ourselves.

How? Well, let's be democratic.

Mary, you stand here, and I'll stand over here. Now, everybody who wants to

on my team, stand behind me.

I guess you didn't understand.

Don't take it personal, Sonia. Now, if this was the love connection, maybe it'd

be a different story.

You know, I at least have one friend here.

Alexandria, aren't you forgetting something?

on your team, Miss Clark.

Isn't that sweet?

You know, ever since she's been living with you guys, she's become more

thoughtful. Yeah.

Oh, Alexandria, honey, you don't have to do that just because you feel sorry for

Miss Clark.

If I don't, I won't get the gold bracelet she promised me.

So, Miss Clark, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, bribing that child.

And, Alexandria, you know better. Now, not only don't you get the gold

but you have to stay over there.

Mary, wait a minute now. The kid is in college.

And got an IQ of 175.

195. Excuse me?

Uh, oh.

Peer pressure, baby, peer pressure.

There's only one way to straighten this thing out. Brenda, bring my hat over

here, will you, please, darling? Just like a man.

Soon as the going gets rough, he reaches for his hat. Now, we're going to do

this thing, and we're going to do it right.

Now, I'm going to put your names, everybody, in this hat, and you're going

have to pick.

And it's five to a team. That's impossible. There's only nine of us. I

that. I must have IQ 195, too.

Well, then we'll get another person.

I'll get it.

Hi, everybody.

Ray, what are you doing up here?

Me? I just happened to be walking by reading my game show encyclopedia.

Ray. We need a tenth person to be with us on the family feud.

Ray, you number ten.

Thanks, Bill. Hey, y 'all sons, start them picking. All right, let's pick up

size. Sandra, you can pick first.

Wait a minute. How come she gets to pick first?

Oh, Mary, somebody has to.

Pam!

Milton.

Bill!

Oh, Lord, Ray.

Well, I'm not saying you didn't roll a minute. over there.

Calvin. Now you got a man, Miss Clark.

Brenda,

if I give the wrong answer, just don't yell at me.

Well, that leaves Lester and Alexandra.

Here we go, kid.

Special edition from Washington, D .C.

Today's contestants are from the same neighborhood. In fact, most of them live

in the same building. Meet Mary Jenkins and her team.

Playing again, Sondra Clark and her team.

On your mark, get set, let's start the family...

Thank you very

much. Let's meet Mary Jenkins and her teammates.

Hi, Ray. Hi, Mary.

How are you?

Fine. Who'd you bring with you? Well, I brought our zany mailman, Ray, my lovely

daughter, Brenda.

Perky little Alexandria DeWitt and my frisky father -in -law, Milton.

Zany, lovely, frisky, perky. What happened to sleepy, grumpy, and dopey?

on the other team.

You better laugh now, because you'll be crying soon.

I get the feeling we're in for a real battle.

Let's meet your opposition.

Sandra.

Don't you even love me?

Of course I do.

Sandra, who'd you bring with you?

Well, besides the two guys waiting for me in my dressing room, my team consists

of Calvin and his grandmother Pearl, my landlady Rose, and Mary's husband

Lester.

Mary's husband, huh?

That's not what you think, Ray. We're a happy couple. I mean, Mary and I are a

happy couple.

We used to be.

You don't have to explain, Lester. Whatever you do in the privacy of your

home is between you, Mary, Sandra, and our 50 million viewers.

50 million?

50 million people are watching me and an attractive single woman who owns their

own apartment building?

I say let's play the fuse!

Mary, Sandra, let's go!

The first team to $300 wins the game, gets a chance to play fast money for the

$10 ,000. Good luck.

We asked 100 people this question. We've got the top four answers on the board.

Try to find the most popular.

Name something you would order in an Italian restaurant.

You are fast.

In more ways than one.

Sandra, name something you would order in an Italian restaurant.

Spaghetti. Show me spaghetti.

Lester, imagine you're in an Italian restaurant. What's the first thing you

would order?

The accordion player to stop playing.

I need an answer list. Uh, pizza.

Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pizza.

Rose, name something you would order in an Italian restaurant.

Well, is somebody treating or are we going Dutch?

You've got three seconds.

Both. Well, it depends on who's paying.

I'm paying, Rose, so come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

Uh, chicken cacciatore.

There it is.

Pearl?

Are you going to kiss me, Richard?

You're thinking of Richard Dawson. I'm Ray Combs. What do you do, Ray?

I'm the host of the show.

Well, why don't you ask me a question?

What's your favorite Italian food?

Neck bones.

You're trying to throw the game. You know neck bones aren't an Italian food.

They are if you stuff them in ravioli.

Show us your southern Italian favorite, y 'all. Neck bones.

Great. Ask her another one, Ray.

You're getting on my last nerve, Mary.

All right, Calvin, there's one answer left on the board. Piece of cake. All

right, show me piece of cake. No, no, no. The answer's lasagna.

There it is!

You got the back.

There we go.

There's another answer.

We've got the top four answers on the board. We asked 100 people.

Name something you used once and then throw away.

Lester, toothpick.

There it is, three answers.

Paper towel.

Paper towel.

Hey, you can wrap your toothpick in our paper towel.

Alexandria, name something you use once and then throw away.

Plutonium. Plutonium.

Trust me.

Let's see some plutonium.

That's impossible.

I've never been wrong before.

You want to choose sides again, Mary?

Brenda, can you name something you use once, then throw away?

Um, no one would use a tissue again. Yeah, that's good. That's a good one.

Maybe tissue.

How gross.

Ray, name something you use once, and then throw away.

An ugly wound.

Just joking, Ray.

I'll say Q -tip.

Then you name something you use once and then throw away.

Um... A disloyal husband.

My real answer is a... What was the question again?

Name something you use once and then throw away.

Better write it out for her, Ray. She a little slow.

Demon floss.

Mm -hmm.

Demon floss!

The dollar value is tripled. We've got the top three answers on the board. We

asked 100 people.

Name the part of the newspaper that you read first.

Michelle, are you all right?

I'm fine.

That's not fair.

Brains and youth is not a match for old age and treachery. Let's pay for

treachery.

That's no way for a team leader to talk.

There's $10 ,000 a day, heroes.

What a shreds, Pearl.

Pearl, I need an answer. Name the part of the newspaper that you read first.

The Price.

The Price.

If Richard Dawson was here, the answer would have been all right.

Brenda. Um, I read the comics.

How juvenile.

Let's go to the perspective of the mailman, Ray. Got an answer?

Well, actually, I... I don't read the newspaper.

I just roll it up and fight off mad dogs.

I'll say the weather report.

All right, weather report.

Looking pretty cloudy right now.

Mary, name the part of the newspaper that you read first.

The horoscope.

Then you know today is going to be a bad day for you.

Or not as bad as it's going to be for you.

Milton's the name. Game shows my game.

One heads.

Wrong, but I liked it, Milt. I liked it.

All right, one more strike, and Sandra's team's going to try to steal your bank

and all the rest on the shoulders of this sweet, innocent girl.

Don't try to intimidate me. The answer is the editorial page, of course.

Who you missed? I'm not letting you do my homework anymore.

Go over to Sandra's team. Name the part of the newspaper that you read first.

Calvin. Newly Sexist. Pearl. Oh, no, Dear Abby.

Rose. Oh, Pearl, really? You know it's the food section?

Lester. The Sports Pages.

Sandra, there's some fine answers there you can make up your own.

Well, Sandra Clark always follows the man's lead, so I'm going to take

answer. The Sports Pages. If it's there, you win the game.

Show me Sports Page.

What is she upset about? I just shook hands with her. Oh, she don't care?

Yes, I do.

Oh, come on, Mary. Now, you're just a poor loser.

Dukakis took it better than you.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, can we have a piece?

Ladies, can we stop this? What are you doing?

Right after these messages.

We're back.

We're back.

Our team captains have signed a non -aggression pact. We're about to play

Money. Sondra, you have 15 seconds to answer these questions and win $10 ,000.

I'm so nervous.

Can you imagine what I can do with $10 ,000?

Yeah, pay for your funeral.

You're not going to share it with the rest of your teammates?

Oh, yeah.

Can you imagine what I can do with $9 ,000?

Have a cheaper funeral.

All right, don't be nervous. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Name something.

Hey!

Let me finish.

Name something you must have in order to live.

A man.

One of the seven wonders of the world.

A rich man.

Something that improves with age. A young man.

A Christmas present you'd exchange.

A old man.

A condemned person's last request.

A young man.

That's 15 seconds. Let's see how you did.

Something you have to have in order to live. You said...

A man.

Our survey said?

Zero. And the second answer was?

A rich man. Our survey said?

Zero. Third answer, what?

A young man. Our survey said?

A Christmas present you'd exchange, you said?

An old man. Our survey said?

A condemned person's last request, you said?

Any man.

Our survey said?

Who says?

Hey, when you're hot, you're hot, and when you're not, you're not.

Okay, Simon, it looks like you got a perfect zero.

How can a perfect 10 get a perfect zero?

You're in the car, sad girl.

Back in a few weeks, let's bring in Lester. It's all up to him.

I'm ready for the peel.

All right, Lester, we're going to reveal your partner's answers to the audience.

You have 20 seconds. If you hear this sound, you've duplicated one of Sandra's

answers. Fat chance of that.

Name something you must have in order to live.

A happy wife.

A wife.

One of the seven wonders of the world.

The pyramids.

Something that improves with age.

Wine. A Christmas present you'd exchange.

One of Mary's ties.

A condemned person's last request.

A home -cooked cigarette.

Wait a minute. That's not fair. I gave him that answer. All right, Lester,

see how you did. It means something you must have in order to live. You said

water. Our survey said 50. Number one answer.

You said pyramids are wonderful.

Our survey said another number one answer.

You say wine improves with age. What did our survey say?

The number one answer.

You give Lester a tie for Christmas and he exchanges it. Our survey said...

You've got $10 ,000 if just five people

said that a condemned person's last request was... What was that thing you

Cigarette. Cigarette.

Our survey said... Oh!

You missed it by one. The number one answer was a home -cooked meal.

Shoot. Oh, honey.

Now, if I told you once, I told you a thousand times. Don't listen to me.

You never said that in your life.

It was just a game.

It was supposed to be fun.

Look who's talking.

Okay, okay. I got carried away.

But Rose and Pearl got over it. Why can't you?

Mm -hmm.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. That's the last time we're going to end up on

different teams.

You got that right.

Yeah.

Let's make up again.

Don't open that door. I got to. It's my ex -teammate.

What did you want, son?

Hi, Lester.

Let's bury the hatchet. Our team made almost $1 ,000. I think we should share

with everybody.

Except you.

I guess I owe you an apology.

I accept.

Now, I did have to deduct some team expenses.

What team expenses?

My hairdo, my medical, my new dress. So the way I figure it, you each owe me

about $7 .83.

Let's play that other game.

Wishbone? Wishbone.

Yeah, and you the bone.

Thank you.

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