All language subtitles for 227 s04e04 Double Your Pleasure

They have no place like home.

If your family around you, you're never
alone.

Know that you're loved. You don't need
to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Those times are changing.

Every day, we won't get by with old
flame, won't we?

No, no. Pulling together, we'll make it
right. With him, room of friends, I know

we can try. But there's no place like
home.

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

We know that love, you don't need to
know. Cause there ain't no place like

There ain't.

I mean, no playtime.

Has anybody seen Sandra lately?

Not since she borrowed $30 from me.

Well, obviously, she thinks more highly
of me.

She hit me up for $50.

All I got to say is somewhere there's a
dress on sale for 80.

Well, I don't have no money problems
with her.

Are you lucky?

Yeah, I just sent her five dollars every
month and she don't bother me.

You know, Sandra has been borrowing
money from everybody in the building.

Uh -oh.

I'll see y 'all later. I just remembered
I left Alexandria upstairs alone with

her piggy bank.

Well, let's face it.

That money's gone down the drain. You
know it.

Oh, hi, ladies.

The check's in the mail.

Sandra, what are you doing with all that
money you're borrowing?

Well, I was going to keep it a secret,
but I'm fixing up my apartment. My

cousin's coming to visit me from South
America.

Oh, come on, Sandra.

You have a cousin in South America?

Mm -hmm.

How much do you owe him?

Her name is Conchita, and she just
happens to come from one of the

families in her country.

Well, Sandra, how come you never
mentioned this cousin before?

Well, I haven't seen her since we were
kids.

Her family moved away, and we just lost
touch with one another. You see, my aunt

married this Spanish gentleman, and then
they moved away. Sandra, sell it to the

National Enquirer.

We ain't buying it.

Who is it? It is your cousin.

Good.

Well, let's call it a draw.

Oh, Sandra, we have so much sketching to
do.

Yeah, so let's get right down to it.
How's your love life?

I be blush, but I be tell you all about
it.

Oh, that sounds good.

It is about my, um, how you say, um,
fiancé, Carlos.

You have a fiancé?

Well, when did that happen? When I was
four.

It was arranged by our parents, but...

I cannot go through with it. My life has
been so chastened. I think before a

woman she married, she should, you know,
know more than one man.

Sandra, be honest.

Have you dated more than one man?

I think we ought to get you out of that
shelter. What you need is a date.

Mm -hmm. Let me see now. Hey, baby.

What kind of man you like?

Sandra, I do not know if I'm ready for
the... Ready for what?

Babu.

I say I got my work cut out for me. You
just take it easy and relax. I'll go get

my beginnings book for you.

Now, look, Sandra.

We've talked it over, and we want our
money now.

No wonder she won't pay us back.

She's blowing it all, and there's combs
in her hair.

Come on, Sandra, pay up.

Yeah,

and I'm Flojo.

Oh, I see you met my cousin.

Oh, my gosh, she's been cloned.

That's it. The Japanese have gone too
far.

Conchita, that was very sweet of you to
loan me the money to pay back all my

debts. And the minute I can borrow the
money, I'm going to pay you back.

Do not worry. We are family.

You will do the same for me.

That's right. And if you're ever in
trouble, you can call on me.

What is it?

It is him, Carlos.

He knew I was coming here. He must have
followed me from South America.

Yeah, and he brought his radio.

Oh, I can't go facing.

Sandra, por favor, do you want to get
rid of him?

Yes, that's what I do best.

He starts singing.

In a second, he will be here.

Look, I'll take care of everything. You
go downstairs, you wait at my friend

Mary's. She's in apartment E.

Okay.

Yeah, Carlos.

Conchita doesn't want to marry you. She
doesn't want to see you. So don't you

bring your ugly face through that door.

Conchita, querida.

I have missed you so.

Go away, go away.

But I have brought you this diamond
necklace.

As you can see, each letter of your name
is spelled out in rubies and emeralds.

You see?

Conchita Maria Juanita Rosita Delgado.

You like?

It's lovely.

Oh, and I love my name, Conchita.

So much longer than, say, Sandra.

Conchita, there's something different.

Your hair and your clothes.

Carlos, there's something I've got to
tell you.

Chita.

Don't call me Carlos. Por favor, call me
by the special name you have for me.

Special name, right.

Honey.

Not honey, you know.

Baby.

Chita. Tiger. Killer.

Mr. Sturgeon.

No, Carlito.

Oh, yeah, Carlito.

That was going to be my next guest.

Now, mi amor, what do you want to tell
me?

Carlos, I can't marry you.

You can't mean that.

Don't you remember all we've been
through together, Conchita?

It's a little sketchy.

Conchita, you must marry me. I have so
much to offer you. My love and wealth

position and a life of leisure and
luxury.

If I kill her, you'll never know the
difference.

Well,

is it yes or no?

It's got to be no.

Thank you!

Thank you! You have made me the happiest
man in the world.

I've got to make the arrangement.

Now, come on, you're a little old for
trick -or -treat, huh?

Sandra, she sent me here.

Okay, have it your way. Babe, would you
get me a candy bar?

Who is it, ma 'am?

It's Charo.

She's on her way to a Halloween party.

Please, is it okay? I come in?

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. That
doesn't sound like the Sandra I know.

And she never says please.

Why?

Well, she looks just like her.

Oh, please, let me in.

I'm trying to get away from a man.

That's it. Come on in.

Two Saunders.

I pity the poor man in this town.

Um, I'm Mary Jenkins, and this is my
husband, Lester.

Hi. And you are?

Conchita. I am very happy to...

If that's happy, I sure as hell don't
want to see sex.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I do not want to burden you
with my troubles.

Thank God for that.

It would be good when I was a little
girl and I lived on a ranch. On the

next to me was a little boy named
Carlos.

Our families were very... And now, he
has followed me here.

I just wish I knew if I... if I'm doing
the right thing.

Listen, Conchita.

Personally, I think you're doing the
right thing.

I mean, a woman has a right to wait for
that very special man. You know what I

mean?

Do you understand?

Carlos, he is not a bad man. He's a good
person.

I just do not want to marry him.

Well, then you don't have to.

I mean, when Lester proposed to me, he
got down on his knees and begged me to

marry him.

But I had the right to say no, didn't I,
honey?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.

in the first place, I didn't beg
anybody.

In the second place, I wasn't on my
knees. And in the third place, you

to me because it was the last chance you
had.

Where are you sleeping tonight?

And I did not beg you.

I merely made a suggestion.

Anyway, what we're trying to say,
Conchita, is don't worry.

Oh, gracias, Mary.

I feel like a way has been lifted off my
shoulders.

Now I can experience life. I can sing. I
can dance. I can have fun.

Hi, everybody.

Sandra.

How did he take it?

Oh, fine.

You're going to be married next
Wednesday at 2 o 'clock.

Conrad, this is the most irresponsible
thing you've done.

And you're already in Ripley's Believe
It or Not.

All she has to do is call him and tell
him it's all a mistake.

She can't do that. It'll break his
heart.

I don't want either one of them to be
unhappy.

I'll think of something.

Conchita!

Conchita, honey, come on out here and
we'll go upstairs and we'll talk all

it, okay?

Conchita!

and she's a little rusty. But she either
said she doesn't want to see you again

or she wants a ham and cheese on the
line.

Hey, Sandra, what are you doing with
your suitcase?

If it's all right with you, Mrs.
Jenkins, I'll give her my bed and I'll

upstairs with Miss Clark.

You're coming upstairs with me?

Oh, that is so sweet of you.

Try not to arrange a marriage for a
week.

What's this switch for?

Fantastic.

What do you use this for?

Reading.

This should be interesting, you and I as
roommates.

Now, look here, now, if you're going to
live here, I got a few rules, okay? And

the first one is, we are not roommates.

My mistake.

The next one is, no TV after 1 .30 in
the morning.

1 .30?

Okay, make it two.

you tough, but hey, I'm a kid who
follows rules.

And the most important rule of all, when
you hear a knock on the door, you go to

your room and put a pillow over your
head.

Or was that when you start reading?

Never mind, never mind. Now, here's your
key. Now, don't lose it.

There's only 12 of them in existence.

I gotta get my messages.

You know, it usually helps if you talk
about it. There's something therapeutic

about spilling your guts.

Well, it's all about conceit. I've
ruined her life, and now I don't know

to... Why am I talking to you?

Why don't we do what Mrs. Jenkins always
tells me to do? Tell the truth.

What Mary tells you to do? It'll never
work for me.

It's worth a try.

Hello, Carlos, this is Sandra,
Conchita's cousin. Remember this morning

Conchita agreed to marry him?

Yeah. Wow, that must have been a real
shock for him to find out Conchita

really Conchita.

Yeah, a man's got to really be careful.

Brenda, how do I know you're really you?

Calvin, don't be a jerk.

Yeah, it's you.

I haven't told you the good part yet.
Then she grabbed the phone from me and

said, this is Sandra.

Don't you kids have anything to do
except sit around and listen to a bunch

gossip? Daddy, this is hot.

Sandra and Sandra's cousin and her
boyfriend, Carlos.

This is better than days of our lives.

Well, I think the whole sort of mess is
terrible.

Mm -hmm.

Come on, I'll tell you the rest of
theirs.

Hi. Hi, Lester. Mary.

I found this... Fine -looking gentleman
downstairs looking for Conchita.

Well, Conchita's not here. She's back
upstairs with Sandra. Well, easy come,

easy go.

So tell me, how long do you plan to stay
in town?

Don't mind her. You must be Carlos.

I'm Mary Jenkins, and this is my
husband, Lester.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, what's the matter?

Forgive me. I'm sorry.

It's been a very emotional day.

Well, maybe you should just sit right
down. Come on, my apartment's right down

still.

Rose, you stay right here, and I'll make
you a nice cup of tea.

You handle this.

Just come right over here and sit down
next to the tissue.

Senor, do you know what it is like to be
desperately, insanely in love?

Oh, yeah.

I have a very good memory.

Not that I'm not in love now, you
understand, but after 20 years of

you lose some of that desperation.

I don't know what she wants.

Yeah, I know. Women can drive you crazy
sometimes, but you gotta remember there

are plenty of fish in the sea.

Not for me.

Mi amigo, para mí, there is only
Conchita.

When I walk in the woods and the wind
whistles to the trees, it whispers to

Conchita, Maria Bonita Rosita Delgado.

Yeah, I know.

Sometimes I walk by a bush and it says
Mary.

And now I must go upstairs and say
goodbye to Conchita forever.

Oh, wait a minute. No, man, you're
giving up too easily. You got to go up

and grab her and show her that you love
her.

Is that what you did with Mary?

Look, let me put it this way. In five
minutes, I had her proposing to me.

Yes, yes, you're right.

Well,

I straightened him out.

Yep, you sure did.

I mean, cuz, like...

Women can drive you crazy, you know what
I mean?

But there's plenty of fish in the sea.

In five minutes, I had her proposing to
me.

Now, Mary, I was just trying to help the
guy out. You know how I feel about...

Get your coat.

What? Get your coat.

What you talking about, Mary?

I want to see this bush that says, Mary.

I guess I shall never see Carlos again.

I thought that's what you wanted.

I never said I did not like him.

Always, he is very nice to me. He is
kind and gentle, and you may not have

noticed, but he's also quite handsome.
You know, Conchita, you got a lot to

learn about dumping a guy, you know what
I mean?

And look, honey, now I know how you
feel.

I just broke up with somebody a few days
ago, and we were practically engaged.

I did not know that. What was his name?

Alan. It wasn't Jerry.

Bill.

Do not know if I do the right thing.

I care maybe more than I know.

Oh, I do not know.

Do not know.

Conchita?

This time I won't take more for an
answer. I love you.

I adore you.

I am mad about you. You are going to be
my wife.

Mr. says this is the right thing.

Carlos,

you animal.

I will never talk to you again as long
as I live.

And Sandra, you are no longer my cousin.

Sandra?

I was going to tell you.

Sooner or later.

How can he do this to me and my old
cousin?

Oh, Mary, do you know what it's like to
be so much in love?

Of course I do.

I have a wonderful memory.

I have been so shameful, and now I have
lost him.

I know what you mean, because men can
sure drive you crazy.

But one thing you must remember, there
are plenty of fish in the sea.

Listen to her, Conchita. She learned
that from a real expert.

That's what I am.

All I know.

No boyfriend, no cousin, no family.

Only you two dear, generous people.

Oh, that's so sweet of you, Conchita.

And we're fond of you, too.

Good. Then it is settled. I will stay
here with you for the rest of my life

become an old maid.

Hello. Stand back. I'm Sandra.

Yes, I know.

I am glad you called.

I just want to straighten this whole
thing out, okay? Come in.

Now... First, I wanted to apologize for
the trouble I've caused.

It's all over between Conchita and me.
She doesn't love me.

Well, you'll find somebody else. I
already have.

If I can't have Conchita, I have decided
to marry the closest thing to her.

You.

You want to marry me? Why not?

You're a very desirable woman.

Besides, we'll change your hair a little
and we'll buy you new clothes. You'll

look just like her.

And after we're married, you won't mind
if I call you Conchita, will you?

Carlos, sit down.

Now, look, Carlos, you don't really love
me.

I can offer you ranches and cattle and
oil wells.

You love Conchita. And copper mines and
cars and servants.

But, Carlos... And furs and jewelry and
property. Need I say more?

Yeah. What happened to that round -the
-world honeymoon cruise?

That too.

I'll be passing out.

Oh, I'm doing it again.

Now, Carlos, and I really hate to tell
you this, but Contita really does love

you.

She does?

Mm -hmm. Why do you think she was so
upset when she saw you kissing me? Right

now she's down in Mary's apartment
crying her eyes out.

She is? Mm -hmm. Come on. I'll take you
down to her, okay?

Oh, in that case, I withdraw the offer.

Congratulations. Sorry I did not have
time to buy a wedding present.

Oh, don't be silly. Carlos came down
here to tell you that he loves you and

wants to marry you.

If he loves me, why was he kissing you?

Because he thought he was kissing you.

Then that makes it more worse.

Well, how do you figure that?

He cannot even tell the difference
between kissing me and another woman.

Well, that's because I've never kissed
you.

See?

And I have never kissed you.

All that money too.