All language subtitles for 227 s04e03 A Funny Thing Happened

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we
can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're
never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't
need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like that.
There ain't no place like that.

I mean, no place, child.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

But I'm telling you, if we don't lower
our bid, we won't get the job.

Our cost to the bone is $95 ,000.

But we figured in a 19 % profit, which
is, uh... Where's my calculator?

$18 ,050.

$18 ,050.

Yeah, so if we cut that by 6%, which is,
uh... $5 ,700.

$5 ,700 and go in with a bid of... $107
,250.

$107 ,250.

Got that?

Great. I'll call you in the morning.
Yeah, I got to get my calculator some

cream.

While you're at it, your maid could use
some coffee.

You got it, maid. Come on, calculator.

How many?

The door was open, so I let myself in.

Well, there goes my chances of
pretending I'm not home.

Come on, Mary, this is important.

I've been doing public relations work
for the Miss Teen Washington pageant,

I got this brilliant idea.

Brenda should audition for it.

Think again.

Oh, now, come on, Mary, she'll have a
great time. I didn't roll myself, but I

became ineligible for teen pageants a
few days ago.

Yeah, I see your acne's cleared up.

You know, this pageant could do Brenda a
whirl of good Mary, and the man in

charge, he's tops in his field. A
brilliant promoter.

How long have you two been dating?

A dazzling showman. How long have you
two been dating?

One of the most dignified gentlemen I've
ever met.

Watch my lips. How long have you two
been dating?

It'll be a week on Thursday.

Ta -da!

Here you go, babe.

Hey, Sandra, what's happening?

She's trying to get our daughter
involved in a beauty contest.

A beauty contest?

Yeah, unless it's a very prestigious
one. The first prize is a college

scholarship. To where?

Bimbo Tech?

To any school the winner chooses.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Father. Hey. Hey there, Miss
Jenkins.

Here she is now, Miss Teen Queen.

Teen Queen? What's going on?

Miss Sandra is trying to get you
involved in a beauty contest.

A beauty contest? Wow, that sounds
great.

Mary, a college scholarship sounds
pretty good. Sandra, what would Brenda

to do?

Just stand there and look beautiful.

Calvin. Calvin.

Well, she wouldn't have to do much. You
know, sing a little maybe, recite a

dramatic piece. It's all based on the
girl's, you know, talent, poise, and

charm.

Well, what do you think, Mom?

Hey, friend, I'd do it if I were you.

Thank you, Calvin.

Miss Teen Washington, I can see it now.

Publicity, exposure, television, movies.

Cinephiles, scandal, public disgrace.

Outcast.

Mom, will you tell Rosemary's baby to
mind her own business?

Well, let me know what you decide. I got
to get back down to the beauty pageant.

You know, deciding me gives these girls
something to shoot for.

Well, Mom, Dad, what do you think?

Well, a college scholarship is something
seriously to consider, but you're 16

now, Brenda. It's time you started to
think about making some of your own

decisions. So what do you think?

Well, it does sound exciting.

Okay, I'll do it.

Good. Then that's settled. I'll take you
down there this afternoon.

And if it meets with my approval, then
your decision is made.

On the day that you were born, the
angels got together and decided to

create a dream come true.

Can I do that in a higher note?

When the cable TV guy gets here, I'm
going to show him everything that I

Splendid work.

Cable television is precisely the sort
of exposure this pageant needs.

Well, that's what you pay me for.

But not enough.

Don't worry. If you get us this cable
contract, there'll be a little bonus for

you. An envelope.

Two tickets to the Bahamas.

Picture it.

You and I...

On the sunny beaches of the Caribbean.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, that's so romantic.

I've never been to the Bahamas with a
man with a gray suit before.

Excuse me, could you tell me who's in
charge?

That's who I'm looking for.

Bert Park!

Brenda, it's Bert Park!

Now, wait a minute. Don't tell me.

Miss Ohio, 1968?

No, I wasn't a contestant, but if I had
been, it would have been 1978.

I haven't decided yet. Oh, I haven't
either.

We're here to check things out.

Bert! Yes! There you are. Oh, hi, Miles.
How are you?

I'd like for you to meet my sister.

This is Saundra Clark.

Don't tell me.

Miss? California, 1977.

Oh, you remember!

Yes,

that was the year of the mudslide.

Excuse me, Mr. Clark.

Miles, I'd like you to meet my friend.

This is Mary Jenkins.

How are you, Mary?

Oh, I'm fine. How are you? I'd like you
to meet my daughter, Brenda, the

contestant. I can't tell you how excited
I am about doing this. Every girl

dreams about being in a beauty pageant.
Thank heavens for that.

Apparently, not every mother has the
same opinion.

Sandra tells me that you have some
reservations about allowing your

participate in our pageant.

Well, yes, but I am willing to keep an
open mind.

Excellent. But there is something I
should warn you about first.

I knew it.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.
Well, regardless of our mutual

with Sondra, there will be no
prejudicial judgments in favor of your

Oh, fine, fine.

You sure there's nothing else?

Come on, Mom. This is the chance for me
to win a college scholarship.

Some of our girls have gone on to become
doctors, lawyers, emcees.

Emcees.

Oh, that's good enough for me.

You slip on the old cummerbund.

and I'm ready to go.

Great. Bert, let me show you our plans.
I'd like that.

Oh, by the way, I'm very glad to have
met all of you. And Brenda, if we meet

again, who knows?

I may be putting that crown on your
head.

Did you hear that?

Did you know he was there when 25 Miss
Americas were crowned? Yeah, and he

be placing the crown on my head.

Think about it. A college scholarship
and Bert Parks crowning my daughter.

Then can I do it? Child, if you don't, I
will. All right!

Okay,

back straight.

Chin up.

Confident.

Grateful. Feminine.

That's great, Mary.

If she wants to carry laundry.

If she wants to win.

The most important thing is talent.

And I guess you two have a better idea?

Oh, yes! Yes, yes.

And luckily, I'm here to teach her how
to sing.

Oh, no, Rose.

Hey, that's a good idea, Rose. An old
-fashioned song just might do the trick.

Especially if the trick is curing the
judge's insomnia.

No, I think a hot dance number's what'll
catch their eye.

Why don't I just read this scene from
Romeo and Juliet? It got me through the

audition. Right, honey, right. Oh,
Brenda, let's do it my way. My way is

right way.

Well, Sondra, we seem to be at a
stalemate.

Now, we can do it our way, or I could
raise your rent.

What song did you have in mind, Rose?

You guys remember Goodnight, Sweetheart?

Yeah, I know that.

Okay, here we go.

Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it's time
to go.

Goodnight,

sweetheart, well, it's time to go.

I hate to leave you, but I...

Come on, sweetie, why don't you try?
Okay.

That's my baby.

And the pageant is going to be on cable
TV.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Stanford added a new category for
the final event.

Oh, great.

And he even gave them costumes.

Well, that's them.

Uh, I don't think I have mine with me.

Sure you do, Brenda. Don't you remember
you put it in your pocket?

What kind of costume is it?

It's sort of hard to describe.

thing up on the stage.

As a matter of fact, you're not even
carrying it out of the house.

Mom, why not just lock me in my room and
I'll do the contest over the phone?

Keep it up here.

Mom, it's not that bad. It's bikini
aerobics. It's healthy.

Brenda, I have seen spaghetti strands
that provide more coverage than this.

What I should do is boil this sucker and
put some tomato sauce on it.

Mom, you should see what the other girls
are wearing.

other girls are wearing, and you are
quitting the pageant.

What?

Hey, everybody.

Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, I love you, Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you, too, and
I'm not taking sides in it, whatever it

is. All right, let's hear it. Well, go
ahead. Tell him.

Mom doesn't like the costume that they
gave me, so she wants me to quit the

pageant. over a fashion dispute.

Mary, that does seem a bit extreme.

Oh, yeah?

How does this grab you?

Shoot. Y 'all have me go in there for a
second. What's the dinner, baby?

This is for real, Lester. Stanford has
put in another event.

He's calling it bikini aerobics. Well,
that's low life.

Oh, sure, take her side.

It's not about taking sides. You don't
even have it on, and I feel all the

of my eyes.

But Dad, you said this was my decision.

Then Mom gave her consent. It's not fair
for you guys to change your minds just

because you don't like the rules.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

It's called growing up.

Well, I don't like it, and I'm going
down there and give that Stanford a

of my mind.

Now you sound like your mother.

Is that a compliment?

What's for dinner, man?

Pull, two, three, four. Shake, two,
three, four. Bounce, two, three, four.

on, girls, I want bounce.

No, come on.

I'm not talking about fabric softener.
Come on. Bounce, two, three, four.

two, three, four.

Pull, two, three, four.

The pageant is coming along splendidly.

It better be. I closed the deal with
that cable company this morning.

Excellent. I knew that my bikini
aerobics idea would change their mind.

So, I guess I earned that bonus.

Bonus? The ticket.

Oh, of course. How could I forget? Two
tickets to the south of France.

I thought you said we were going to the
Bahamas.

Um, yes, Bahamas, France.

Oh, you thought I meant the other
Bahamas.

Au contraire.

For you, ma petite, only, only the best.

If that was a video, it would be X -ray.

Oh, stop it, bad thing.

Mr. Stanford?

Oh, no.

Um, uh, take, take ten, girls.

Come here, Mrs. Jenkins.

Uh,

what's the clock?

It'd be wrong to look inside that
envelope.

That man sealed that envelope for a
reason.

And nothing short of boiling some water
and holding over some steam would get it

open without him knowing about it.

Oh, the question you have to ask
yourself is, will I make tea or instant

Is this bikini a robot's thing?

I mean, why would you put such a
derogatory category in an otherwise

event? Swimsuit competition is a pageant
standard.

Not in string bikinis, Mr. Stanford.

I mean, you might as well throw in mud
wrestling.

This is what the public wants to see,
Mrs. Jenkins.

Mm -mm. I'm the public, and I don't want
to see it.

It's a downright embarrassment.

Funny how the two so often go hand in
hand.

Uh -huh.

So you admit it's embarrassing.

May I say that your taste is old
-fashioned and provincial?

Well, at least I have some taste, Mr.
Stanford.

The routine stays, Mrs. Jenkins.

Then my daughter goes, Mr. Stanford.
Then we have resolved our conflict.

Well, good.

Now you see what you've done?

You've ruined everything.

Just get your things, Brenda. We'll talk
about it when we get home.

I'm sorry, Brenda, but it's the right
thing to do.

Brenda, how come you missed me hard,
though?

She made me.

I have to quit the pageant because she
doesn't like bikini aerobics.

You got one more she here.

You know, I envy you, Brenda.

What? Brenda, if you were out there
doing it today, you would know how lucky

are. I mean, it really isn't fun.

You know, now that you bring it up, I
found it all pretty embarrassing.

You too? I thought it was just me.

No, it was degrading.

If you girls feel that way, why are you
doing it?

Yeah, why are we?

We?

Well, I might have made a slight
misjudgment.

Oh, really? Is that all you have to say?

Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

What are we going to do now? Mr.
Stanford makes all the rules.

Yeah, he's the one who's giving out the
scholarships.

That creep!

What's wrong, Miss Clark?

That jerk had no intention of taking me
to the Bahamas or France.

Well, where was he taking you?

Here's the envelope. See for yourself.

A parking ticket?

Well, child, a trip around the
courthouse grounds is different.

Two -time even as tickets are for double
parking.

Oh, I want revenge. I want to see that
worm squirm.

Well, that's very noble of you, Sandra,
but these girls have a bigger problem.

Did you know that none of them wanted to
do the bikini aerobics?

Really? Oh, gee.

Oh, that is tough.

Without that bikini competition, Miles'
cable deal would fall through, and he'd

never agree to drop that unless, you
know, he... Girls,

I think I have a problem solved.

We put on some sensible shoes, and we
march.

We won't show. Heck no, we won't show.
Heck no, we won't show. What is going on

here? Heck no, we won't show. I'll tell
you what's not going on. Them.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Who are you?

I happen to be the spokesperson, and who
are you? I'm Linus Hauser. I'm with the

cable TV company.

Well, Mr. Hauser, these girls are not
going to have anything to do with a

pageant that includes bikini aerobics.
Right, girls?

Heck no, we won't show. Heck no.

Long hours of rehearsal make them giddy.

They're kidding. Yeah, well, I certainly
hope so, because our contract specifies

a bikini competition.

I'd hate to have to settle this in
court. Oh, you and me both.

Sandra. Sandra.

Sandra, please, please talk to them.

Oh, all right, Miles. Just as soon as I
get back from France.

Or was it the Bahamas?

Or was it parking in the red zone?

What are you talking about?

I opened that envelope, Miles. You lied
to me. You tried to cheat me. And after

I gave you some of the best days of my
week.

Sandra, my dear, what can I say?

You can say that you're going to
eliminate this event.

I can't do that.

Sandra, if this man sues, I can lose
everything.

I could end up in jail, Sandra.

Then you in big trouble.

Actually, he isn't.

He isn't? No, you are.

She isn't the one that signed the
contract, Miss Clark. You did. Our legal

recourse would be against you.

You mean I could end up in jail?

Definitely. So, I expect a beauty
pageant with a bikini competition.

Right?

That's a load off my mind.

Let me show you the ads we're planning.

Mary! Mary!

Mary, help me. You gotta help me.

I won't last a day in jail. There's
nothing but women in there.

See, if I don't help you, you go to
jail. If I help you, you go home with

Sorry.

Mary, I'm serious.

Come on, help me. Oh, all right, I'll
help you. Well, what are we going to do?

Girls, I think what we have to do is
give the man what he wants.

A bird?

Yes. May I speak to you a minute? Why,
certainly.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Beauty Pageant
himself,

Bird Power.

Thank you very much.

You know, I have been associated with
beauty pageants most of my life. As a

matter of fact, the first pageant that I
hosted was won by Eve.

Let's get on with our teen competition.

Let's have teen contestant number one.
Here she is. Bring her on.

Hi.

Hi.

What is this? Trouble. Big trouble.

Would you mind telling us your name,
please?

Mary Beth, Barbara Jo Jenkins.

Well, I understand you are captain of
your debating team.

Well, Bert, that's debatable.

This is ridiculous. How's a pulver prog?
It's not that easy. This is a live

broadcast. I can't leave a lot of blank
screens.

This is an essay on how I spent my
summer vacation.

My thorns were clogged. It was a day
like any other day. I looked great.

My parents went home, and Biff came
over, and then we...

Oh, no, I can't read that part.

Maybe that night Bobby Taylor came over
and took me to a drive -in movie. I

don't remember what movie we saw because
we... Oh, no, I can't read that part

either.

Pearl, you seem to have a few years on
these other girls.

That's because I'm a senior in high
school.

Oh, my pageant days are over.

I gotta call a lawyer.

A lawyer won't do you any good.

Who are you? I'm the husband of the
first 15 -year -old in power. You don't

a case.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a contract specifying a teen
pageant. Those are not teenagers.

Oh, they're not now. But that contract
never specifies when they had to be

teenagers.

Thank you very much, Rose. That was very
nice. Bring it on, ladies and

gentlemen. Thank you.

Now. We're going to move on to our next
competition, and our category is a

bikini aerobics competition.

Here they are.

Oh, no.

No. The senior citizen in a bikini?
Look, I'll be the laughingstock of the

beauty contest business. You can't let
them do it. You have no choice. It's in

your contract.

Oh, the contract. All right. All right.
You win. You're off the hook. All right?

We won! We won!

We won! We won! We won!

Plan B. Great. And now... Ladies and
gentlemen, here are our finalists. Let's

bring them on.

The strength of a haunting refrain She

starts upon a marathon Runs around your
brain

You can't explain She's in your memory

By morning and night