Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame away.

Together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like that. There ain't no place like that.

I mean, no place, child.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

But I'm telling you, if we don't lower our bid, we won't get the job.

Our cost to the bone is $95 ,000.

But we figured in a 19 % profit, which is, uh... Where's my calculator?

$18 ,050.

$18 ,050.

Yeah, so if we cut that by 6%, which is, uh... $5 ,700.

$5 ,700 and go in with a bid of... $107 ,250.

$107 ,250.

Got that?

Great. I'll call you in the morning. Yeah, I got to get my calculator some

cream.

While you're at it, your maid could use some coffee.

You got it, maid. Come on, calculator.

How many?

The door was open, so I let myself in.

Well, there goes my chances of pretending I'm not home.

Come on, Mary, this is important.

I've been doing public relations work for the Miss Teen Washington pageant,

I got this brilliant idea.

Brenda should audition for it.

Think again.

Oh, now, come on, Mary, she'll have a great time. I didn't roll myself, but I

became ineligible for teen pageants a few days ago.

Yeah, I see your acne's cleared up.

You know, this pageant could do Brenda a whirl of good Mary, and the man in

charge, he's tops in his field. A brilliant promoter.

How long have you two been dating?

A dazzling showman. How long have you two been dating?

One of the most dignified gentlemen I've ever met.

Watch my lips. How long have you two been dating?

It'll be a week on Thursday.

Ta -da!

Here you go, babe.

Hey, Sandra, what's happening?

She's trying to get our daughter involved in a beauty contest.

A beauty contest?

Yeah, unless it's a very prestigious one. The first prize is a college

scholarship. To where?

Bimbo Tech?

To any school the winner chooses.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Father. Hey. Hey there, Miss Jenkins.

Here she is now, Miss Teen Queen.

Teen Queen? What's going on?

Miss Sandra is trying to get you involved in a beauty contest.

A beauty contest? Wow, that sounds great.

Mary, a college scholarship sounds pretty good. Sandra, what would Brenda

to do?

Just stand there and look beautiful.

Calvin. Calvin.

Well, she wouldn't have to do much. You know, sing a little maybe, recite a

dramatic piece. It's all based on the girl's, you know, talent, poise, and

charm.

Well, what do you think, Mom?

Hey, friend, I'd do it if I were you.

Thank you, Calvin.

Miss Teen Washington, I can see it now.

Publicity, exposure, television, movies.

Cinephiles, scandal, public disgrace.

Outcast.

Mom, will you tell Rosemary's baby to mind her own business?

Well, let me know what you decide. I got to get back down to the beauty pageant.

You know, deciding me gives these girls something to shoot for.

Well, Mom, Dad, what do you think?

Well, a college scholarship is something seriously to consider, but you're 16

now, Brenda. It's time you started to think about making some of your own

decisions. So what do you think?

Well, it does sound exciting.

Okay, I'll do it.

Good. Then that's settled. I'll take you down there this afternoon.

And if it meets with my approval, then your decision is made.

On the day that you were born, the angels got together and decided to

create a dream come true.

Can I do that in a higher note?

When the cable TV guy gets here, I'm going to show him everything that I

Splendid work.

Cable television is precisely the sort of exposure this pageant needs.

Well, that's what you pay me for.

But not enough.

Don't worry. If you get us this cable contract, there'll be a little bonus for

you. An envelope.

Two tickets to the Bahamas.

Picture it.

You and I...

On the sunny beaches of the Caribbean.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, that's so romantic.

I've never been to the Bahamas with a man with a gray suit before.

Excuse me, could you tell me who's in charge?

That's who I'm looking for.

Bert Park!

Brenda, it's Bert Park!

Now, wait a minute. Don't tell me.

Miss Ohio, 1968?

No, I wasn't a contestant, but if I had been, it would have been 1978.

I haven't decided yet. Oh, I haven't either.

We're here to check things out.

Bert! Yes! There you are. Oh, hi, Miles. How are you?

I'd like for you to meet my sister.

This is Saundra Clark.

Don't tell me.

Miss? California, 1977.

Oh, you remember!

Yes,

that was the year of the mudslide.

Excuse me, Mr. Clark.

Miles, I'd like you to meet my friend.

This is Mary Jenkins.

How are you, Mary?

Oh, I'm fine. How are you? I'd like you to meet my daughter, Brenda, the

contestant. I can't tell you how excited I am about doing this. Every girl

dreams about being in a beauty pageant. Thank heavens for that.

Apparently, not every mother has the same opinion.

Sandra tells me that you have some reservations about allowing your

participate in our pageant.

Well, yes, but I am willing to keep an open mind.

Excellent. But there is something I should warn you about first.

I knew it.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Well, regardless of our mutual

with Sondra, there will be no prejudicial judgments in favor of your

Oh, fine, fine.

You sure there's nothing else?

Come on, Mom. This is the chance for me to win a college scholarship.

Some of our girls have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, emcees.

Emcees.

Oh, that's good enough for me.

You slip on the old cummerbund.

and I'm ready to go.

Great. Bert, let me show you our plans. I'd like that.

Oh, by the way, I'm very glad to have met all of you. And Brenda, if we meet

again, who knows?

I may be putting that crown on your head.

Did you hear that?

Did you know he was there when 25 Miss Americas were crowned? Yeah, and he

be placing the crown on my head.

Think about it. A college scholarship and Bert Parks crowning my daughter.

Then can I do it? Child, if you don't, I will. All right!

Okay,

back straight.

Chin up.

Confident.

Grateful. Feminine.

That's great, Mary.

If she wants to carry laundry.

If she wants to win.

The most important thing is talent.

And I guess you two have a better idea?

Oh, yes! Yes, yes.

And luckily, I'm here to teach her how to sing.

Oh, no, Rose.

Hey, that's a good idea, Rose. An old -fashioned song just might do the trick.

Especially if the trick is curing the judge's insomnia.

No, I think a hot dance number's what'll catch their eye.

Why don't I just read this scene from Romeo and Juliet? It got me through the

audition. Right, honey, right. Oh, Brenda, let's do it my way. My way is

right way.

Well, Sondra, we seem to be at a stalemate.

Now, we can do it our way, or I could raise your rent.

What song did you have in mind, Rose?

You guys remember Goodnight, Sweetheart?

Yeah, I know that.

Okay, here we go.

Goodnight, sweetheart, well, it's time to go.

Goodnight,

sweetheart, well, it's time to go.

I hate to leave you, but I...

Come on, sweetie, why don't you try? Okay.

That's my baby.

And the pageant is going to be on cable TV.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Mr. Stanford added a new category for the final event.

Oh, great.

And he even gave them costumes.

Well, that's them.

Uh, I don't think I have mine with me.

Sure you do, Brenda. Don't you remember you put it in your pocket?

What kind of costume is it?

It's sort of hard to describe.

thing up on the stage.

As a matter of fact, you're not even carrying it out of the house.

Mom, why not just lock me in my room and I'll do the contest over the phone?

Keep it up here.

Mom, it's not that bad. It's bikini aerobics. It's healthy.

Brenda, I have seen spaghetti strands that provide more coverage than this.

What I should do is boil this sucker and put some tomato sauce on it.

Mom, you should see what the other girls are wearing.

other girls are wearing, and you are quitting the pageant.

What?

Hey, everybody.

Daddy.

Oh, Daddy, I love you, Daddy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you, too, and I'm not taking sides in it, whatever it

is. All right, let's hear it. Well, go ahead. Tell him.

Mom doesn't like the costume that they gave me, so she wants me to quit the

pageant. over a fashion dispute.

Mary, that does seem a bit extreme.

Oh, yeah?

How does this grab you?

Shoot. Y 'all have me go in there for a second. What's the dinner, baby?

This is for real, Lester. Stanford has put in another event.

He's calling it bikini aerobics. Well, that's low life.

Oh, sure, take her side.

It's not about taking sides. You don't even have it on, and I feel all the

of my eyes.

But Dad, you said this was my decision.

Then Mom gave her consent. It's not fair for you guys to change your minds just

because you don't like the rules.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

It's called growing up.

Well, I don't like it, and I'm going down there and give that Stanford a

of my mind.

Now you sound like your mother.

Is that a compliment?

What's for dinner, man?

Pull, two, three, four. Shake, two, three, four. Bounce, two, three, four.

on, girls, I want bounce.

No, come on.

I'm not talking about fabric softener. Come on. Bounce, two, three, four.

two, three, four.

Pull, two, three, four.

The pageant is coming along splendidly.

It better be. I closed the deal with that cable company this morning.

Excellent. I knew that my bikini aerobics idea would change their mind.

So, I guess I earned that bonus.

Bonus? The ticket.

Oh, of course. How could I forget? Two tickets to the south of France.

I thought you said we were going to the Bahamas.

Um, yes, Bahamas, France.

Oh, you thought I meant the other Bahamas.

Au contraire.

For you, ma petite, only, only the best.

If that was a video, it would be X -ray.

Oh, stop it, bad thing.

Mr. Stanford?

Oh, no.

Um, uh, take, take ten, girls.

Come here, Mrs. Jenkins.

Uh,

what's the clock?

It'd be wrong to look inside that envelope.

That man sealed that envelope for a reason.

And nothing short of boiling some water and holding over some steam would get it

open without him knowing about it.

Oh, the question you have to ask yourself is, will I make tea or instant

Is this bikini a robot's thing?

I mean, why would you put such a derogatory category in an otherwise

event? Swimsuit competition is a pageant standard.

Not in string bikinis, Mr. Stanford.

I mean, you might as well throw in mud wrestling.

This is what the public wants to see, Mrs. Jenkins.

Mm -mm. I'm the public, and I don't want to see it.

It's a downright embarrassment.

Funny how the two so often go hand in hand.

Uh -huh.

So you admit it's embarrassing.

May I say that your taste is old -fashioned and provincial?

Well, at least I have some taste, Mr. Stanford.

The routine stays, Mrs. Jenkins.

Then my daughter goes, Mr. Stanford. Then we have resolved our conflict.

Well, good.

Now you see what you've done?

You've ruined everything.

Just get your things, Brenda. We'll talk about it when we get home.

I'm sorry, Brenda, but it's the right thing to do.

Brenda, how come you missed me hard, though?

She made me.

I have to quit the pageant because she doesn't like bikini aerobics.

You got one more she here.

You know, I envy you, Brenda.

What? Brenda, if you were out there doing it today, you would know how lucky

are. I mean, it really isn't fun.

You know, now that you bring it up, I found it all pretty embarrassing.

You too? I thought it was just me.

No, it was degrading.

If you girls feel that way, why are you doing it?

Yeah, why are we?

We?

Well, I might have made a slight misjudgment.

Oh, really? Is that all you have to say?

Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

What are we going to do now? Mr. Stanford makes all the rules.

Yeah, he's the one who's giving out the scholarships.

That creep!

What's wrong, Miss Clark?

That jerk had no intention of taking me to the Bahamas or France.

Well, where was he taking you?

Here's the envelope. See for yourself.

A parking ticket?

Well, child, a trip around the courthouse grounds is different.

Two -time even as tickets are for double parking.

Oh, I want revenge. I want to see that worm squirm.

Well, that's very noble of you, Sandra, but these girls have a bigger problem.

Did you know that none of them wanted to do the bikini aerobics?

Really? Oh, gee.

Oh, that is tough.

Without that bikini competition, Miles' cable deal would fall through, and he'd

never agree to drop that unless, you know, he... Girls,

I think I have a problem solved.

We put on some sensible shoes, and we march.

We won't show. Heck no, we won't show. Heck no, we won't show. What is going on

here? Heck no, we won't show. I'll tell you what's not going on. Them.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Who are you?

I happen to be the spokesperson, and who are you? I'm Linus Hauser. I'm with the

cable TV company.

Well, Mr. Hauser, these girls are not going to have anything to do with a

pageant that includes bikini aerobics. Right, girls?

Heck no, we won't show. Heck no.

Long hours of rehearsal make them giddy.

They're kidding. Yeah, well, I certainly hope so, because our contract specifies

a bikini competition.

I'd hate to have to settle this in court. Oh, you and me both.

Sandra. Sandra.

Sandra, please, please talk to them.

Oh, all right, Miles. Just as soon as I get back from France.

Or was it the Bahamas?

Or was it parking in the red zone?

What are you talking about?

I opened that envelope, Miles. You lied to me. You tried to cheat me. And after

I gave you some of the best days of my week.

Sandra, my dear, what can I say?

You can say that you're going to eliminate this event.

I can't do that.

Sandra, if this man sues, I can lose everything.

I could end up in jail, Sandra.

Then you in big trouble.

Actually, he isn't.

He isn't? No, you are.

She isn't the one that signed the contract, Miss Clark. You did. Our legal

recourse would be against you.

You mean I could end up in jail?

Definitely. So, I expect a beauty pageant with a bikini competition.

Right?

That's a load off my mind.

Let me show you the ads we're planning.

Mary! Mary!

Mary, help me. You gotta help me.

I won't last a day in jail. There's nothing but women in there.

See, if I don't help you, you go to jail. If I help you, you go home with

Sorry.

Mary, I'm serious.

Come on, help me. Oh, all right, I'll help you. Well, what are we going to do?

Girls, I think what we have to do is give the man what he wants.

A bird?

Yes. May I speak to you a minute? Why, certainly.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Beauty Pageant himself,

Bird Power.

Thank you very much.

You know, I have been associated with beauty pageants most of my life. As a

matter of fact, the first pageant that I hosted was won by Eve.

Let's get on with our teen competition.

Let's have teen contestant number one. Here she is. Bring her on.

Hi.

Hi.

What is this? Trouble. Big trouble.

Would you mind telling us your name, please?

Mary Beth, Barbara Jo Jenkins.

Well, I understand you are captain of your debating team.

Well, Bert, that's debatable.

This is ridiculous. How's a pulver prog? It's not that easy. This is a live

broadcast. I can't leave a lot of blank screens.

This is an essay on how I spent my summer vacation.

My thorns were clogged. It was a day like any other day. I looked great.

My parents went home, and Biff came over, and then we...

Oh, no, I can't read that part.

Maybe that night Bobby Taylor came over and took me to a drive -in movie. I

don't remember what movie we saw because we... Oh, no, I can't read that part

either.

Pearl, you seem to have a few years on these other girls.

That's because I'm a senior in high school.

Oh, my pageant days are over.

I gotta call a lawyer.

A lawyer won't do you any good.

Who are you? I'm the husband of the first 15 -year -old in power. You don't

a case.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I got a contract specifying a teen pageant. Those are not teenagers.

Oh, they're not now. But that contract never specifies when they had to be

teenagers.

Thank you very much, Rose. That was very nice. Bring it on, ladies and

gentlemen. Thank you.

Now. We're going to move on to our next competition, and our category is a

bikini aerobics competition.

Here they are.

Oh, no.

No. The senior citizen in a bikini? Look, I'll be the laughingstock of the

beauty contest business. You can't let them do it. You have no choice. It's in

your contract.

Oh, the contract. All right. All right. You win. You're off the hook. All right?

We won! We won!

We won! We won! We won!

Plan B. Great. And now... Ladies and gentlemen, here are our finalists. Let's

bring them on.

The strength of a haunting refrain She

starts upon a marathon Runs around your brain

You can't explain She's in your memory

By morning and night

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