Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no flame or wave.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can try. Cause there's no place like

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like home.

No, Blake Childs.

Oh, Mary, you are so lucky.

You're moving.

You're not that lucky.

Guess what, Larry?

You know that charity raffle ticket that you and Rose bought?

Well, it won.

Oh, one of the prizes was a three -day cruise. Uh -huh. Ooh, a weekend on the

love boat.

It's not a love boat.

It would be if I was on it.

unless he rolls down.

Mary, we won!

We won!

I know! I know!

Hey, what's going on in here?

Rose and I won a three -day cruise.

Oh, how romantic. I hope you both be very happy. Oh.

We didn't win a cruise. We won a butler.

A butler? That's right. For one whole week. What the hell are we going to do

with a butler?

I know what I would do.

Jeeves.

Peel me a grape.

Yeah, Jeeves rubbed my toes.

No, Tony likes to do that.

I'm speaking to Tony. I better be going.

Yeah, unfortunately, I got to go, too. So it looks like you get to break him in

first. Yeah.

See you later.

Honey, this is going to be fun.

Pretending we're royalty for a whole week and being waited on hand and foot.

Shoot, I got that already.

Mom, there's a very elegant man outside looking for our apartment.

Yeah, he said, do the Jenkins reside here?

Yeah, and I told him, not only do they reside here, but they live here, too.

I'm going in the kitchen to make some sandwiches, okay? Okay.

And, Manny, take your hat off in the house.

Yes, ma 'am.

Yeah. Yes, I'm looking for the Jenkins residence.

This is the Jenkins residence. I'm Mr. Jenkins.

He's perfect.

Girl, get me a grape, quick.

How can I help you?

I'm here about your prize from the charity raffle.

Oh, it's too bad you weren't here a few minutes ago. You could have answered the

door for us.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not the butler.

I'm Jonathan Forsythe. It's my butler that you've won. Excuse me.

Oh, uh, Albert.

Albert?

Albert?

This is the Jenkins family.

Welcome to our humble abode.

An excellent choice of words.

Please, sir, I hope you'll reconsider.

Excuse us.

But, sir... Now, Albert, stop that.

Remember, this is for charity.

But, sir, I... Now, get a hold of yourself.

My apologies about this.

It's just that he's a little nervous.

Albert's been in the family for 30 long years.

31, sir.

30 with your father and one with you.

Right. Well, I have to be off.

Albert, I'll see you next week.

Wait a minute. He's going to be here for a whole week?

Yes. Aren't you the lucky ones?

Well, I expect you to carry on in the grand tradition of butling.

Yes, sir.

Buttle I shall.

Very good.

Now then, if you'd be good enough to show me my room.

Look around. You're standing in it.

with me.

I was just drawing the master's bath.

I have been drawing my own bath since I was three years old.

Well, then I'll merely towel the master off. You are ticking the master off,

Albert.

Uh, Albert, Albert.

Yes, Mrs. Jenkins.

What did you do with the family picture?

I stored them, madam. Fashion dictates that only one family picture is

permissible in the drawing room.

Fashion doesn't live here, Alvin.

Yes, I can see that.

Perhaps madam would like me to do the marketing.

Yeah, I hate to do the marketing.

Oh, very well. I'll order some escargot, pâté de foie gras, and caviar.

You'll order some peanut butter and jelly and a pot roast.

while you're doing that, I'm going to the mall.

Then you'll be wanting me to lay out your clothes.

Look again, Albert. I'm dressed.

But, madam, that's your breakfast attire.

Then I'll eat some eggs while I'm there.

Very well, madam.

Mary, I can't wait to hear.

Isn't having a butler all we imagined it to be?

Rose. It's like nothing we imagined.

What are you talking about?

I think we should have won the canned ham.

Mary Jenkins, I didn't think you'd stoop so low. What?

Pretending Albert is no good so you don't have to share him with me.

Rose, half that raffle ticket was mine, you know, and I want my butler.

All right, Rose.

You're right.

I can't put anything over on you.

He's all yours.

Thank you.

Fresh tea, madam?

Oh, yes.

Girl in the summer, sitting out here sipping tea in the afternoon.

It's so British, so civilized. Oh, yes, yes.

It sure impressed those guys on the garbage truck.

Oh,

Albert, you may serve the doughnuts.

We don't have any doughnuts, madam.

One eats crumpets with high tea.

Well, in that case, punch a hole in my crumpet.

As you wish, madam.

Well,

isn't this cozy?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Just a typical afternoon at the Holloways.

Would you care to join us for tea and crumpet?

But of course. Where shall I sit?

Read your place card, madam.

Tea, madam?

Hey, Jeannie! Jeannie! Would madam

prefer a bullhorn?

Well, excuse me.

Oh, Mrs.

Holloway. What? What? What?

Your pinky.

The pinky? Yes, yes.

It's down.

It's high tea.

Crumpet with a hole.

Albert, would you please bring us some more jam?

Yes, madam. Would you like the large jar or those little packets you took from

the restaurant?

I didn't take them. They were souvenirs.

Of course, madam.

Oh, and by the way, madam, I made an appointment for you to have your hair

tomorrow morning.

I just had my hair done.

Well, this time you'll enjoy having a professional do it.

You have to be careful what you ask for, baby, because you just might get it.

All right, Mary, you were right.

But what are we going to do with this guy for a whole week?

I can't stop to talk. I'm entertaining a very important gentleman tonight. I got

a million things I got to do to get ready.

Oh, Sandra, Sandra.

It sounds like you need the help of my butler.

You wouldn't dare. You can't be serious.

He's my butler today, and it's my decision.

That's right, Mary. It's Rose's decision. You stay out of this.

Oh, please let her. Please let her. Please.

Okay. You got him.

here, I want you to pour the champagne, serve the hors d 'oeuvres, and when I

give you the signal, you scram.

Signal? What signal?

I'll turn to you, and I'll say, scram!

How about something more subtle, like, um, the goose liver was delicious.

Oh!

Yeah!

How about that, Albert?

The goose liver was delicious.

And then you scram.

Oh, there it is, there it is.

Answer the door, please.

Yes, madam.

Well, hello. I believe Sandra's expecting me. Come right in, sir.

Oh, Darren, so nice to see you.

Sandra, you have a butler?

Mm -hmm. Doesn't everybody?

I don't.

Sit by me, Darren.

Tell me all about your day, and I'll tell you all.

about your name.

Sandra.

Well, now, I know we've only known each other a short time, but I've got to tell

you, I'm completely captivated by you.

Ooh!

This has got to be even better than I thought.

No,

not right now, Albert, okay?

Peté?

The goose liver was delicious.

Where was I?

Uh, Sandra, I know we've only known each other a short time, but I have to tell

you I'm completely captivated by you.

Yes, so what I want you to know... You know, Albert, I said the goose liver was

delicious. As in spread, get it?

Actually, the goose liver does look delicious.

I have one.

Yeah, thanks, Albert. Look for a little something extra in your paycheck this

week. As a matter of fact, you can go look for it right now.

Well, say, Albert, this is good.

Well, I haven't had anything like this since I left the Cape.

Ah, the Cape.

I had many a happy summer there with the Forsythes. Ah, I know what you mean.

I summered with the Witherspoons.

The Witherspoons? Why, they live right down the road.

What is this, not landing?

You're kidding me.

I was engaged to Sissy Witherspoon.

Sissy Witherspoon? What a wonderful girl, sir. Oh, what a wonderful girl.

Beautiful, intelligent.

Witty, warm, charming. So much for the good old days.

How about some champagne?

Yeah, we were so good together.

Broke my heart when she got married.

Those are the bricks.

Why don't you have an hors d 'oeuvre? The smoked salmon is delicious.

But, sir, don't you read the papers?

Sissy divorced Reggie Poindexter.

Reggie? Reggie Poindexter? Yes. She's on the Cape now.

She is?

Oh, where's the phone?

I've got to call her. Well, don't call her. Go to her. Go to her. Don't let her

get away again, sir.

Yeah, go to her. Go to her. Don't let her get away again, sir. Quick.

But how could I leave a magnificent creature like you?

Oh, yeah, I see your point.

But, you know, you'll thank me in the morning.

Bye -bye.

Oh, I'm sorry, madam. I hope I didn't ruin your evening.

Hmm, ruin it.

Mr. Forsythe, sir, I knew you'd come to take me home. I knew you'd come to your

senses. Yes, I have, rather.

It's been so peaceful without you, I've been able to think for the first time in

a year.

I beg your pardon?

Please. Oh, thank you, sir.

You know, why my father ever hired you in the first place is completely beyond

me. The only reason I kept you on after he died was to find out what he saw in

you. Well, for one thing, I'm charming. Shut up, Albert.

I thought I'd learn why he played cards with you and not me.

Why he played catch with you and not me.

And why he spent so much time with you and never had a minute for me.

I thought you knew him. Knew what?

He didn't like you.

Oh.

Well, you've made this rather easier than I thought it would be.

You're fired.

Premium Employment Agency.

I'm a butler and I have excellent references.

Might you have something available?

Oh, not right now.

I have no place to go.

Oh, all right. I'll try again next week.

Man has been a pain ever since he got here. I told you I didn't want a butler

the first place. Now, he has got to go, man.

Honey, I don't have the heart to tell him.

Why is it every time there's a dirty job, I have to do it?

Because you do it so well.

Because you do it so well.

Well, let's go start on the dirty work.

Albert.

Um, Albert, Mr. Jenkins has something he wants to say to you. Pardon me, madam.

I just have to reposition the sofa.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! What's the matter, Albert? Oh, my back! My back! Ah!

Oh! Here, Mac, you take this arm.

I'll take the other one. Now lift slowly.

Slowly, slowly. Oh, easy does it now.

Oh, I'll be all right with some rest for a few days.

Maybe even a week.

I hope you didn't mind sleeping on the sofa last night, sir. Oh, no. I almost

got an hour's sleep.

Oh, aren't you working?

Yeah, you gonna be okay, babe?

I'll be fine.

He was talking to me, Albert.

Have a good day, dear. Thank you.

Mrs. Jenkins, could I trouble you for a pillow?

Oh, of course.

Oh. Here, how's that? Thank you.

Oh, uh... Would you mind wheeling me to the window?

Okay.

There. No, I liked it better where I was.

All righty.

Would you fluff my pillow?

Oh, could you wheel me back to the window?

How about out the window?

Oh, get that, will you?

Hi,

Mary. I'm here to finish fixing the closet.

Well, you won't have a hard time finding it. It's the one with the open door.

Excuse me, I have to fix Albert's breakfast.

I'm Alfonso, the superintendent.

You must be Albert.

That's right.

I'm the butler.

She opens the door.

She makes your breakfast.

I want your job.

I happen to have a very bad back. I can't walk.

No problem. I can't fix that. Now, wait a minute.

Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.

I had a horse with a bad back. Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. There's nothing wrong with me.

Well, we won't know that until we saddle you up. What?

You fool.

Ah, what have we here? A little miracle?

You're lucky.

The horse, we have to shoot.

Now, Mrs.

Jenkins, I can explain.

Wheel me to the window, Mrs. Jenkins.

Flop. my pillow, Mrs. Jenkins. Get my breakfast, Mrs. Jenkins.

Well, Albert, you can just pack your bags and call Mr. Forsythe because I

want you around here anymore.

Neither does Mr.

Forsythe. What?

He fired me.

That's why I faked having a bad back.

You see, Mrs. Jenkins, I have no place to go.

But you've been with him 30 years.

31 years, and in all that time, no one fixed breakfast for me.

No one fluffed my pillow.

It was, Albert, bring me this.

Albert, bring me that.

No one even bothered to find out my last name.

What is it, Albert?

Blotchbinder.

Blotchbinder?

See, no one even cared to ask my name in all those years.

Well, what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I haven't had to look for employment for 31 years.

Well, honey, let me tell you.

If you're going to look for a new job, you're going to have to make some

changes.

Oh, come on, Albert. You said you wanted to loosen up.

Well, all right, Miss Brenda.

I'll give it another go.

Okay, one more time, Albert.

Yo,

Master Calvin, what it is?

This is the Jenkins crib.

There's no den, but chill on in.

No, Albert, chill out. Chill out.

Dear, please give me another chance, Miss Brenda. I know I can do it.

Well, here, try to eat it.

Oh, thank you.

There you go.

What in the world do you have on your eyes? My shades.

Rap Master Manny slipped them to me.

Brenda, this is not what I had in mind when I was talking about helping Albert.

Move, Mama.

Uh, Albert, why don't you go fix lunch?

You got it, Mama.

Brenda! Mom, we're just trying to show him how to be cool.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, honey!

Oh, what are you doing home?

I live here.

Just in time. Albert's fixing us a meal.

Um, wait a minute, dear.

Um, Albert, Mr. Jenkins is joining us for lunch.

Well, all right.

I've set another place for you, homeboy.

What?

I hope he'll be able to find another job.

You know, the kids may have loosened him up too much.

Mr. Forsythe.

Mr. Jenkins, is Albert still here?

Yes, yes, come in.

Albert, Mr.

Forsythe's here.

Hey, Blanche.

Give me some skin.

Albert? Yeah, it's me, Al Blanchebinder.

Jolly good for you, yes.

Here, Albert, take my coat.

I don't work for you anymore, bro.

I completely understand your being upset, Albert. I... I

want you back.

Thank you.

You're all married, you hear that? The dude wants me back.

You got it, bro.

I mean, as you wish, sir.

I'll get my things.

Mr. Forsythe, I can see right through you.

You actually missed Albert, didn't you? Found out you couldn't live without him,

huh? True, true.

As well as the fact, according to the terms of my father's will, I don't get

red cent unless he's employed as my butler.

So you have to take him back. According to my lawyer, yes.

All set, sir. All set.

You know, madam...

There's a joy and a love in this house that can take the starch out of even the

stuffiest of shirts.

Oh, thank you, Albert.

And if you should ever need me at any time... You're welcome any time, but

as a guest.

Well, Albert, this is going to be quite like old times.

Not exactly, Mr.

Forsythe. Albert, he has to take you back according to his father's will.

Right, honey?

Right. Oh, really?

Well, in that case...

You get the bags, sir.

Don't trouble yourself. I'll get the door, too.

Alone at last.

Yeah. Jenkins, peel me a grape.

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