Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you're loved, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no

like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those same old ways.

Pulling together, we'll make it right.

With help from our friends, I know we can.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like where I believe in. There ain't no place like

where I believe in. There ain't no place like, there's no place like home.

I mean, no place like home.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Tennis was so much fun.

Right, fun.

How'd you do, Mom?

Oh, I think I did pretty good, didn't I, hon? Oh, sure. In fact, the people on

the other courts applauded when we left.

Oh, so I hit a few balls on the other court and nobody seemed to mind.

Huh. You know, tennis is so much fun and everybody's so polite.

You just say, thank you, thank you, thank you, and then throw the balls

You think you'll be ready to play in that charity tournament?

You know, babe, actually, I was thinking maybe we ought to just send him a

check.

Oh, come on, Lester. It's all in fun.

Yeah, I know, but we're going to be playing the Robinsons, and I hate losing

Fred because he never lets you forget it.

Would you stop worrying? Just be glad you're not married to his wife. She got

all tangled up in the net.

At least she knew where the net was.

Lester, this is for charity. It's about building a new daycare center, not who

beats who.

I know that, Mary, so long as Fred doesn't beat me.

I'll get it.

Hi, Brenda. Hi, Miss Clark.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Lester. Hey, Sandra.

Aren't you going to ask me why I'm here? No.

Well, I'll tell you anyway. I'm going to be on the TV news.

Sandra, you are the TV news.

This time I'm going to be the weather girl.

And talk about what? Whether you will or whether you won't?

Miss Clark, you're going to be giving the weather reports?

Like Willard Scott?

With hair.

Not to mention a lot of other stuff.

But the auditions tonight, I know I'm going to get it.

Sandra, what do you know about the weather?

Well, a lot of showbiz people got started in the weather. If they can do

can do it.

That's great, Miss Clark. You're on TV. Which channel? 2, 4, 7? Keep going.

9, 11, 13?

Higher. I'll give you a hint.

Start at 80.

80?

Actually, it's channel 87, Washington, D .C. It's on cable.

We have cable, but I don't remember seeing that one.

Well, let's put it on.

That's it.

They're doing the weather all right. It's snowing up a storm somewhere.

Oh, I forgot.

Channel 87 doesn't come on till midnight.

Sandra, is this a real job?

Of course.

I found out about it from a date I had.

That short fellow that took you out last night?

No, the tall fellow that brought me home.

Well, you have something else. Every time I turn around, you got a new career

going. I'm trying to find myself.

Child, let me show you where to look.

I mean, I tried modeling. I tried secretarial work. I tried sales.

I tried nuclear physics.

That didn't work at all.

No, Assamblee, you don't give anything a chance.

I mean, you had a job two days, and you either quit or you're fired. That's

because I'm cursed, Mary.

I'm afflicted with the worst burden any career woman can have, pure,

unadulterated beauty.

Mary, I need a job that interests me, that challenges me, that fulfills me,

me some money.

And so now you're going into TV.

Yeah, well, you know, they use unskilled labor. Anybody can do the weather. You

just point to a map and say it's raining in Miami.

no question that you have got it.

Well, you can forget it.

I'm here to see the station owner, Mr. Grant. Would you tell him Sandra Clark

has arrived?

Okay.

Mr. Grant, Sandra Clark has arrived.

Tell her I'll be right out.

You're Mr. Grant?

One and only.

Well, how come you're doing the sweeping?

Honey, in case you haven't noticed, this ain't NBC.

Well, I'm here to audition for the weather person. Why don't you just hire

right now and save yourself a lot of trouble?

I think we better wait and see who else arrives, because Channel 87 is going

places. We can't settle for anything less than the best.

You know, this happens to be the only station in the country on Sunday night

where you can see Ed Sullivan, Flipper, and Hello Larry back -to -back.

Don't let this get out, but we recently acquired the rights to the Olympics.

Ooh, Olympics!

That Jesse Owens sure can run.

We've got to give the other people a few more minutes to get here, then we'll

start the auditions.

Would you excuse me? I've got to go change a couple of light bulbs.

If you'd like to get on my good side, you'd finish the sweeping.

Uh -huh.

Ah, excuse me. Are you on the air? Not yet.

Oh, good. I'm here for the audition.

What audition?

For the weather person.

Well, I would have been here sooner, but I didn't know it was going to rain.

That's a little weatherman humor.

Well, the joke's on you. That audition was at 2 .30. We've already made our

selection. Thank you so very much. Goodbye.

Did I hear another voice?

Oh, no, that was me.

Hey, could I at least leave my resume, just in case? Oh, certainly. Whenever we

need a security guard, we'll call you. But I'm a weatherman. A weatherman?

You're a weatherman? Yeah. Come on in here. The audition was at 2 .30. Why do

you want a tardy weatherman? He'll be talking about snowstorms in June.

My name is Mr. Grant.

I'm the owner of Channel 87.

Herbert Hutchings, sir, and I really appreciate the opportunity.

Uh, tell me a little something about yourself, Mr. Hutchings. Well, there

that much to tell.

Good, then let's talk about me.

I finished my formal education when I was 20. Took him six years to get out of

high school.

I was at Harvard where I got my Ph .D. in meteorology, and then I spent 12

in Orlando, Florida at the National Weather Bureau.

That's very impressive.

Uh, Ms. Clark, do you have any background in weather?

Well, uh, I've created quite a few heat waves in my time.

I bet you have.

Well, it's 4 .15.

Looks as though you two have made the finals.

We'll step right over here and let you have the first opportunity, Mr.

Just step right up the board and take your best shot. Okay.

Thank you, Colleen.

Current satellite picture for the shoreline of Maryland shows that the

pressure that was here is beginning to weaken. Now, as this front moves to the

east, we're going to see a cooling trend.

Tomorrow's forecast, hazy and cloudy skies with a barometer reading of 29 .33

and falling. So you better get those jammies out. It could be kind of a nippy

weekend. Back to you, Colleen.

Oh, oh, thank you very much, Mr. Hudson.

Well, Miss Clark, now it's your turn.

To tell you the truth, Mr. Grant, I really don't know that much about the

weather. My temperature stays pretty constant.

I bet it does.

But you're here, so you might as well take a crack at it. Go ahead.

Okay.

Go.

Mr. Hutchins. Yes, Mr. Grant.

Mr. Hutchins, it's been a pleasure having you come by.

When is Sandra coming on?

Should be any minute.

I hope so, because this 1946 beauty contest ain't making it.

Uh -oh, here we go. The news is coming on now.

Good evening.

Welcome to the Channel 87 News.

Now, for today's... headlines.

Senate investigation uncovers corruption.

Gorbachev predicts arms control pact.

New York garbage still looking for a home.

We'll be back with the weather right after a word from Coffins R Us.

From the mortuary that cares.

You're going to be great. You look great. Thank you.

You smell good.

Does that help? It helps me.

You know, this all looks so complicated now. I understand the happy clouds and

the sad clouds, but what are all those squiggly lines and arrows?

Well, the blue lines are cold fronts.

The red lines are warm fronts.

And don't forget to mention that these globes, we're selling them for $9 .95.

Please, don't forget.

Okay, don't worry about nothing. You're going to be okay.

Okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. Where do I stand?

How about over near the weather map?

Good idea.

Five,

four, three, two, one.

And now, friends, we have a new addition to the Channel 87 News. Our new weather

girl, Miss Sandra Clark.

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

This is yours truly, Sandra Clark.

Temperature was six degrees warmer than normal for this time of year. Could you

hold those cue cards a little closer?

Yeah, that's better. Now, like I was saying, what? It was really that warm

today?

Oh, there's a storm hovering over the Midwest.

I hope it's around Chicago, Illinois.

I dated a stockbroker there once. Turned out he was married. Well, good.

across the nation. 86, 75, and 42.

Friend, that concludes our weather report. Oh, no, wait a minute. I've got

talk about the poll.

Oh, and now you can have for your very own but not 95 % strong...

Toby! Run, run, slipper!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Now, you can't do this to me. Not really, really.

I can do this. I just got a little mixed up. I didn't even have a chance to do

my barometer readings. I would have had a meeting out of my head.

Honey, the forecast for you... It's gloomy. It's very gloomy. And it's

darker and darker and darker.

Hey, Pearl. You seen Sandra again? Not yet. Poor thing. She hasn't come out of

her apartment all day.

I didn't think she was that bad.

What do you mean? You closed the door before she came on.

Just a wait.

Honey, it was just a game.

Don't be mad.

Well, how'd the tournament go?

They didn't win.

With Fred, it's never a game. It's war.

Now, everybody at the construction site is going to ask me about this patch.

I said I was sorry about your head.

Well, what happened to your head, Lester? The hatchet lady tried to chop

I did not. I was trying to hit the ball.

The object of the game is to keep your eye on the ball.

I did keep my eye on the ball. And your hand on the racket. You don't just throw

it at the ball.

Like they say, families that play together shouldn't.

Well, aside from Lester's grumbling, we had a very nice time.

And, girl, I got the best recipe for chocolate chiffon cake. You did?

And that's another thing.

You don't exchange recipes while I'm serving.

You talk through the whole tennis mat.

Lester, the woman asked me to look at a picture of her new grandchild. Now,

could I be impolite? You didn't have to get into a long conversation about potty

training.

What was the grandchild to you? Ugliest kid I've ever seen.

I'm going to take a shower.

Girl, you know men. They're so competitive.

Tell me about it.

I played tennis with my first husband. Yeah, how'd that work out? He went back

for a lob, and I never saw him again.

Sandra, is that you?

No, and I'm never going to be me again, not after last night.

So what are you going to do, run away?

With my big chance, and I blew it.

Oh, Sandra, can you imagine how many beautiful, intelligent women have never

been weather girls?

Besides, who looks at Channel 87 that late at night?

A couple of owls and a vampire.

So you weren't born to be a weather girl and you looked a little silly.

Who hasn't?

You're not ashamed of me? Not for that.

Well, Sandra, we're still your friends. That's right, children.

Oh, you know, you three are the best friends that any girl could ever have.

Other than a man.

Oh, there's that station owner. Well, he probably wants to sue me. I'm not here.

I'm not here.

Does Sandra Clark live in this building?

Who? Sandra Clark. C -L -A -R -K -E Clark.

Clark. Clark.

Tall, blonde, Scandinavian?

She's definitely not Scandinavian.

But you might have seen her last night on my television station, Channel 87,

of the biggies. She did the weather report.

Oh, her!

Oh, she was terrific!

Wasn't she, Mary?

I ain't never seen nothing like it.

I can't wait to see what she has to say tonight.

Well, you can forget about that because she'll never do another weather report.

We got a sick cat.

Oh. I think you're making a terrible mistake taking Sandra off. Taking her

Who said anything about taking her off? After all the calls she got, she's going

to have her own show.

My own show?

Sandra, it's you.

These ladies were just saying you didn't live here.

Oh, they were just trying to shield me from my public. That's why I'm dressed

like this. How many calls?

Well, it's the most we've got since we premiered Mr. Ed. Eight.

Did you hear that, ladies? Eight calls and they all love me.

Oh, no, Sandra. They didn't all love you. In fact, six of them hated you.

But we got a reaction. That's the main thing we wanted.

Look, you're funny, you've got personality, and you'd be great as the

your own talk show.

My own show? Oh, look out, Oprah Winfrey. Here comes Sandra Club.

You know something? We're going to do the first one tomorrow night.

And ladies, this show was done before a live studio audience, so each of you are

welcome. Oh, I've never been to a TV show.

Oh, can we get a ticket?

Just tell the man at the door to let you in. Well, how will he know us?

I'm the man at the door.

Isn't that fabulous? My own TV show.

Sandra, this is terrific.

Yes, isn't it?

You can have me on as a guest, and I can talk about the upcoming bingo night for

the daycare center.

Mary, please.

Mr. Grant is going to be getting me important guests.

Are you saying no? Yes.

You know, big -time stars like Harry Belafonte and... And who else?

Well, with me and Harry, who needs anybody else?

Now, Mary and I'd love to help you, but my fans demand a high quality of

programming.

She makes me sick.

Oprah, I didn't know they would ask me to replace you.

I'm sure you'll find something.

How are your typing skills?

Knock, knock, knock. Come in.

Hi, Sandra.

We all came by to wish you good luck on your TV show.

Didn't we marry?

And to tell you to break a leg.

Now you're talking.

Thank you. My first fan club.

This is cozy.

Oh, I know it's not much, but I'm going to get a star on my door.

As soon as she gets a door.

Sandra. Come in.

I mean, where?

We should do the show in here. Large audience.

Sandra, where are your celebrity guests? They haven't arrived yet.

Why ask me? I'm the star.

Sandra.

You're not only the star, you're also the staff.

You're responsible for getting the guests.

Me? You're the producer of the show.

No, Sandra.

I'm the owner, the newscaster, the warm -up man, and the janitor. I don't do

guests.

Sandra, you got five minutes to get this show together, or you're out of show

business.

And I want to say it's a pleasure having you people here at Channel 87.

Oh, no, there goes my career.

Well, come on, y 'all, let's go someplace where they got some guests.

Wait a minute, Mary, we can't just leave her here like this.

Yeah, maybe we can make some phone calls and get somebody.

Come on, there's only five minutes till showtime. Mary, please, you gotta help

me. I thought we weren't good enough to be on your show.

Come on, Mary, I'm back. begging you, please be on my show.

Lots of times, Oprah has plain, ordinary, run -of -the -mill people just

all of you. Oh, you want us to be on your TV show? She ain't got nobody else.

You know, Mary, you had a wonderful idea. Now, you and Lester can talk about

daycare center.

Yeah, we could publicize a big bingo night.

To who, Lester?

It ain't but eight people watching.

Well, whoever watches it might contribute.

Well, maybe.

Oh, good. And, Rose, you can talk about those wonderful recipes of yours, you

know, like those cherry tarts you make all the time.

Oh, yeah.

I've never been on a TV show. And Pearl's out there. She can talk about

anything, you know. Now, come on. It'll be like friends and neighbors having a

nice, homey little chat. Come on. Now, you'll see. It's going to be a lot of

fun.

Sandra, do we have a show, or am I going to put on a rerun of Hello, Larry?

Oh, no.

You got a show, Mr. Grant.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.

Sandra, remember, there are two things that sell a talk show.

What's that, Mr. Grant? Down and dirty.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Sandra Clark Show. And now, here's Sandra.

Good evening.

My name is Sandra Clark and welcome to the Sandra Clark Show starring Sandra

Clark.

Our subject for tonight is very important to all of us.

Especially in today's society.

Sex in the 80s. Does it still sizzle, Mary?

I am not here to talk about sex in the 80s. I'm here to talk about the daycare

center. And I'm here to talk about tarts. Good.

That's not what I meant.

This is Rose Holloway, one of my guests, eager, single, and available.

Sandra. Come on, y 'all.

Mary, sit down.

I want to hear about sex in the 80s.

I spent a buck.

That's Pearl Shea.

Married four times and an expert on our subject for tonight.

Sandra, you're embarrassing her.

Oh, no, she's not.

If you've got it, you've got it.

Trouble is, I don't remember where I put it.

Oh, girl, you're too much.

Sandra, if we stay, we are going to talk about the daycare center.

And the big bingo night next month.

This is Lester and Mary Jenkins, who'll talk about sex from the married point of

view. I will not.

That sounds familiar.

That's the married point of view.

Look, Sandra.

Later, Mary, later. We got to grab this audience right now. We all know that

it's not easy meeting the right man. Is it, Rose?

That's why you're out night after night prowling the single scene.

Looking for any kind of cheap thrill.

I resent that.

If I'm not looking for a thrill, it certainly won't be cheap.

Wait, did I say... Ooh, sex in the 80s. Not a pretty picture.

Can we talk about my bean soup recipe? We don't want to know nothing about no

bean soup.

We're talking sex here.

If you're interested in donating to the daycare center, call 5... And now to our

news desk for a length -breaking news story.

We don't have a story, and the repo man just took back the desk.

They still have a telephone call, 555 -2020.

Yeah, but don't call collect, because we ain't taking no collect calls.

Mary, Mary, after 20 years, does your marriage still deliver the same kind of

spice? None of your business.

Oh, hostile, defensive, that... Pretty much answers the question, doesn't it,

Lester? I'm out of this.

Lester, suppose you came home and found soft music, candlelight, imported

champagne, and Mary in an expensive negligee. Now, what would you think?

I think I better take a look at the checkbook.

What do you mean by that?

You know what I mean. I mean you've been in those stores again.

Well, I told the electric people the check was in the mail. Well, why'd they

pull the plug?

I lied.

I still can't believe the way we were arguing.

I mean, right on TV.

Mary, there were only six people watching. Well, I don't care. That was

people too many. It was embarrassing.

It would have been even more embarrassing if they'd seen us trying to

Morning. Oh, I got good news. I can't believe it.

Oh, Lord, what now?

I got an awful... to go on another television show. And guess what? They

you and Lester, too.

Say what?

What show?

Dr. Boo.

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