Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

Live your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with all fame away.

Pulled together, we'll make it right.

No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like. There ought to be there. There ain't no place

like. There ought to be there. There ain't no place like.

There's no place like home.

I mean no place child.

They're late.

Well, of course they're late.

You know Ed, he's probably out buying his bride another gift.

Bride? I thought you said they've been married for five years.

They have, but he still treats her like they're on their honeymoon.

I hate people on their honeymoon.

All they do is grin and write thank you notes.

I don't know. I think it might be nice to be treated like a storybook princess.

If that's the way you feel, Mary, I'll run out and round up the seven drawers

we can have a party.

I'm married to a comedian.

Well, Lester, I think it's wonderful that you're putting your cousin up.

Oh, Lester and Ed are more than just cousins, honey. Yeah, he's kind of like

kid brother. I stayed with Ed and his parents when I got out of the Army. And

Mary introduced him to his wife, Sherry.

There they are.

Come in, everybody.

Rose,

this is the perfect magazine for you.

Playgirl.

Every month there's a centerfold with some gorgeous man.

The subscription is only $35 a year.

How much for just the centerfold?

Save your money.

I'll loan you mine.

Selling magazines is this great new job you've been bragging about?

Well, don't knock it. It's only part -time. And a friend of mine did this for

two months and got a free trip to Spain.

Wait a minute.

You mean if I buy a magazine, you go to Spain? Mm -hmm. Give me two.

Sergeant Mary's been telling us about the perfect couple.

Me and who else?

No, I was talking about Lester's cousin Ed and his beautiful wife, Sherry. Well,

just wait till you meet them. They're the perfect couple. They never argue.

never disagree. They've never even had a fight.

Are they living together?

My second husband and me argued every day until we got separate bedrooms.

And that worked?

Sure.

Mine was in Washington and his was in Chicago.

Oh, honey, they're here.

Hi.

Sorry we're late, but Ed insisted on stopping to buy me a present.

No.

Hey, Sharon. Hi.

Well, cuz, you haven't changed a bit.

Hello, Rosalinda.

Meet my cousin, Ed, and his lovely wife, Sherry. Hi.

How are you?

So, Ed, what'd you buy this time?

Oh, I just got her this little pin.

Oh, that's sweet.

And matching earrings.

Oh. Shut up, girl. You got a pin and earrings? Well, she had to have

to go with the new dress.

Fortunately, they didn't have my shoe size.

Uh, Ed, you wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you?

Yes, I do. But he's 12.

I'll wait.

Look at you. My goodness, you look terrific.

Thank you. My room's all ready for you. Oh, sorry to put you out.

Oh, hey, it's no problem.

I'm going down to stay with my friend Tiffany, and we're going to order pizza

and watch LL Cool J videos.

See you later. Okay. Bye -bye.

So, I guess you two are ready to freshen up, huh? Yeah, but first I'd like to

get a little picture. Okay. Oh, good.

Okay.

Say cheese.

Cheese.

So, Ed, how do you feel about your firm's move to Washington?

Oh, wonderful. You know, Sherry and I spent our honeymoon here.

To think I got a girl like this. I kept pinching myself the whole time.

As I recall, honey, it wasn't just yourself you were pinching.

Those were really fun days.

So when's your new apartment going to be ready? Hopefully by the end of the

week. It is so nice of you to put us up. And to seat us so close together.

Honey, honey, honey.

That's my job.

Ed,

do you...

I enjoy it. Look, I know I spoil the lady, but if you think I'm bad now, you

should have seen that.

Honey, you don't need to solve.

It must be wonderful to have a man so attentive and devoted.

Not if you want some salt.

Well, I say, when you find the hope diamond, you'll want to take care of it.

Perfection is not easy to come by.

Well,

who's ready for dessert?

I think Sherry's had hers.

I'll help you, Mary. Okay.

First, you got to pay the toll.

Hey, ladies. You forgot your change.

Honey, honey.

Honey, I'm just going into the kitchen.

What do you do when she goes to the grocery store?

That man sure is crazy about you. I know. Last week, he traded in our double

for a single because he couldn't stand being so far away from me.

Well, I have never seen anybody so devoted. I know. Every time I turn

he's buying me gifts, protecting me, taking care of my every need.

I wonder if he'll ever change.

Sherry, he was like that when he met you. He's been that way ever since he's

been married to you. Don't worry, he won't change.

Are you sure?

Look, Ed will probably be that way for the rest of his life. Yeah, that's what

thought. I'm leaving him.

What?

I'm leaving Ed.

But why?

Oh, Mary, he's wonderful and kind and gentle, good. He's everything that a

husband ought to be. But he is so stifling and overprotective, he won't

work. He even makes us use the same space in a revolving door.

I mean, I can't breathe.

Well, have you talked to him about it? A hundred times.

I'm sorry, Mary. I'm leaving Ed.

Tonight. Tonight? But, Sherry, you... Will you get out here before I die of

loneliness, you would -you -face?

Look at the poor man. How are you going to tell him? You're going to break his

heart. No.

If I tell him, he'll just go to pieces.

It would be much kinder if I just find my moment and leave.

I know he'll be in good hands.

Wait, wait, wait. Where's the dessert? We're all waiting for it. Bring the

coffee. Wait, Lester.

Mary, we can't stay for dessert. Yeah, we're going to go catch that new Eddie

Murphy movie. Wait a minute. You can't leave. I got to tell you what Sherry

said. I don't want to hear what Sherry said. I want to hear Eddie Murphy. Come

on, Rose. Let's go. Okay. Rose.

Rose.

Goodbye, Eddie. Goodbye. Nice to meet you, Sherry. Bye -bye.

I hope to see you guys soon, okay? Well, in that case, you better stay.

Here, have some pie. Sit down, take your time.

Pearl, the pie does look good.

Put that down, Rose, and I'll buy you some milk duds. Come on.

You know, this looks almost as good as Sherry's banana walnut cake.

Oh, so you do let her bake?

No, I make it.

But I named it after her.

If you'll excuse me.

Where are you going?

I'm just going to the bathroom.

Honey, go with her.

What?

It's okay. I know where it is.

Lester, I gotta see you in the kitchen.

I suppose I'll finish my dessert, baby.

Now, honey.

You two lovebirds can't stay apart either. Runs in the family, huh, Les?

What is going on?

Sherry is leaving Ed.

She's just going to the bathroom.

No, they're splitting up.

What? You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

She's leaving him and she's doing it tonight.

You mean she came over here planning to do this?

Why? Because she says he's stifling her. Stifling her?

We can't talk about it now. Just don't let her out of your sight.

Hey, I got a little surprise for Sherry.

She's got an even bigger surprise for him.

What's at the front door?

Here, here, here. It's our anniversary tonight.

We met on a Wednesday, so every Wednesday night I give her a little

She would be so disappointed if I forgot.

There we go.

Yes!

Come on.

Sherry!

Sherry! Ah, Sherry, I know where you're hiding.

You know what she's doing?

She's playing this little game again. Just last week, she hid in the closet

over four hours.

Didn't that strike you as strange?

I know where she is. She's in the bedroom.

Unpacking.

Sherry!

Honey, this is terrible.

Look, when you break it to him, take it easy.

Me tell him? Why do I have to be the one?

He's your cousin. Well, you introduced him to her.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Where's your attic?

What's an attic?

Where's your basement? She's not in the basement either. Oh, come on. She's got

to be somewhere. I've looked everywhere else.

Ed, come over here and sit down.

There's something I want to tell you.

Come on, Ed.

Now, look, you haven't eaten in three days.

At least try this cereal.

That a boy, Ed. Scoop him up. Scoop him up.

But at least he's trying to eat.

No, he's not.

He's using a little alphabet to spell out Sherry's name.

Y 'all got to do something to snap him out of this.

We've done everything, Rose.

I mean, Lester took him to the ball game. We played charades. I even cooked

his favorite meal.

Yesterday, Mary took him to the zoo.

And when we left, even the hyenas were crying.

I've told him every joke I know.

No wonder he's depressed.

It's Sherry. She's back.

Mary, it's Sandra.

And she brought Sandra with her.

Oh, hi, Ed. You're here. Hi, everybody. Oh.

I've been running around like crazy trying to sell these magazines.

Ed, I know the food here isn't the best, but you look awful.

Sandra, would you come back in another lifetime?

Well, I got to give the man his premium. He ordered a lifetime subscription to

Family Circle. And, Ed, the good news is you get this lovely welcome mat.

Welcome to...

Sherry and Ed have split up.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, you keep this match. You put a flower pot over her name or something.

Sandra, we have a serious problem here. Now, Ed's already depressed.

Don't make it worse.

Well, I heard Oprah say that exercise is great for depression.

Why don't we try to get him up on his feet and exercise?

Hey, that's a good idea, Rose. Come on, everybody. Let's do it. Come on, Ed.

Come on. Oh, no. Come on.

Okay, we'll do some warm -up exercise, okay? Ready?

March it in place.

Left, right, left, left, right, left.

This reminds me of my old army days.

Left, right, left.

You had a good wife, but she left. You're right.

Let's go!

New exercise, new exercise.

Jumping jacks, in place. Ready?

One,

one.

I feel much better.

I can't sleep.

I keep thinking of Sherry.

Everything I do, I see her everywhere.

Everywhere I look, I see that face.

That face.

That beautiful face.

Turn off the radio.

Now you see what you've done?

What is he doing in here? He's singing to me.

Oh, Lord have mercy. Why?

Oh, I miss her so much.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Mary, give the guy a break. This thing has been a big shock for him. A shock

him? He's in our bed.

Why don't we just cool it? This thing is ripping him apart. He can't eat. He

can't sleep.

Well, he's doing a heck of a lot better than we are.

was that in the middle of the night? I don't know.

I

mean,

why don't we just move out here and sleep on the sofa?

Well, what do you want me to do? Throw him out in the street? He's family,

Oh, so what am I?

Mary, this has got to stop. I can't take it anymore.

What is it, Rose? Well, 20 minutes ago, I was awakened out of a sound sleep. And

you know who it was?

Your... cousin ed said he needed to talk to somebody because y 'all were down

here sleeping well we're not sleeping now so what did he have to say oh i

know something like well at least he didn't sing to you

can you see that he's waking up the whole building man the guy's got a

and rose is not the whole building

this

is the third night in the road that man's gonna walk off and

think he is a phantom of 227?

He did it again.

Well, what'd he do to you? My boyfriend, Wendell, was about to kiss me goodnight

and he yelled, don't do it, she'll just toss you aside like an old shoe.

He should know I don't wear no old shoes.

Lester, you got to do something about that cousin of yours, honey. I mean it

now.

I don't know what else we can do. We already tried everything.

And he's still down in the dumps. Well, y 'all better try something else. Yeah,

I hate to see a nice guy suffer when he's ruining my love life.

I think what he needs is something to build up his confidence.

Something to build up his ego.

Something.

Or someone.

Oh, no, don't worry, Wendell.

After tonight, that poor man won't be stepping on our stairway to heaven.

I gotta run.

That's him now. Uh -huh.

Come on in, Ed.

Don't be afraid.

Ed!

That's it, all the way in.

Hello, Sandra.

You know why you're here, Ed?

To feel better.

Right.

Come on, we're just going to have a nice little dinner.

Oh. Look at that. You went to all this trouble.

Oh, I just whipped all this up in no time. An hour ago, I was soaking in a

if you can imagine that.

I'm trying not to.

Ed, relax. Sit down.

That's my job. I'll butter that.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so embarrassed.

You know, I used to do that for Sherry all the time. I guess it just drove her

crazy.

Ed.

I would love for you to butter my bread for me.

You would?

Mm -hmm.

And after you finish that, you can cut up my lamb chops if you want.

And I didn't think this was gonna be a fun night.

But you gotta promise me one thing. What?

You can't mention her.

Agreed. You're right. You're right. No more shh.

I will never mention that name again. She walked out on me, right?

Not that I blame her. I mean, it is all my fault.

Ed. Would you stop putting yourself down?

Now, you are really a sweet, sweet guy.

Really? Yes.

And there are plenty of women who would die to meet a nice guy like you.

You think so?

Yes. Now, come on. Now, how about a smile?

There, see? Now, that's better. Now, you keep that smile and you stay happy.

How about a drink?

Sure. Here, have a little sherry.

You know...

This is something we haven't done in a long time.

Yeah.

Being alone.

If that's Ed, tell him we moved.

Hi, Mary.

Sherry!

Now, Ed, eat your dessert. It's good for you.

Mm, I get it.

Are you finished eating your tapioca?

halfway back. Come around after dessert.

Forget dessert.

Sherry's downstairs.

Sherry?

Yes, and she wants to see you.

She'll come back to me. I knew it. Just take it easy, Ed, and listen to us.

Right. You don't want to blow it this time.

Yeah, this is another shot, man. You're right. You're right.

But where am I going to get a nice little present at this hour?

Ed, I don't think a little present is going to do it. You're right. You're

right. It's got to be something bigger, like a car.

I like the way this man thinks.

Ed, listen to me.

Now stop and think.

Why did Sherry leave you?

I smothered her, overprotected her, gave her too many gifts.

Right. So what are you going to do?

Act like a regular person.

Right. How do they act?

Just be cool.

Cool?

Get up.

Now before you go downstairs, we're going to rehearse, right?

Sandra, you be Sherry.

All right, I'll take the car keys right now.

Would you stop fooling around?

Get over by the door.

Okay, now Sherry's back.

Remember, cool.

Cool.

Hi, Ed, I'm back.

Sherry, you're back.

No,

no, no, don't do that.

They all do that.

Lester, get up.

Now, you be Ed, I'll be Sherry.

All right, what do you want me to do?

Just act natural.

Okay.

Hi, Ed, I'm back.

What's for dinner?

Not that natural.

Mary, this is not going to work.

You're right. I'll be Ed.

Okay, now, Ed, try this.

Sherry, all I've ever wanted to do was make you happy. I just went about it the

wrong way.

I just went about it the wrong way, but...

I'm ready to try and change.

From now on, no more buttering your bread for you. No more following you

room to room. Or doing all your housework for you.

Or doing your nails.

Or carrying you out to the car.

No more little presents. No more breakfast in bed.

Oh, hold it.

Don't cut out the breakfast.

I don't want to take away all your pleasures.

Oh, Sherry. Oh, I missed you. I missed you, too.

Baby, I guess it took being apart for me to realize that you were treating me

that way because I was letting you. Well, from now on, you get your own

the revolving door.

And you can get that job if you want to.

That's a deal.

Lester and Mary, we can't thank you enough for all you've done.

Come on, honey, let's go pack.

That's thanks enough.

Hello?

Hi.

Yes, it has been a long time.

What?

You'd like to come and stay with us for a while?

No more house guests, no.

Oh, that would be lovely.

See you soon. Bye -bye.

You crazy?

Who was that?

Brenda.