Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with those same old ways.

Boom together, we'll make it right.

I mean, no place.

Here's a good name for the baby, Nancy.

I like that, Nancy.

Well, what if it's a boy?

Well, Nancy better have a good left hook.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Lisa.

No, we haven't come up with any names for your baby.

Yeah, well, if we do, we'll talk about it in class tomorrow.

All right, bye.

Hey, Brenda, I got it.

If it's twins, we can name them Jack and Jill.

Calvin, be serious.

Well, she did go up the hill.

Hi,

kids. Hi, Mom, Dad.

How was the play?

Oh, your father cried all the way through it. I thought it was a comedy.

$35 a ticket.

Come on, let's get something to eat and let them finish their homework.

Calvin, let's find a name for this baby before it's born.

What'd she say?

She didn't say that.

She couldn't have said that. Said what? What we both know we heard her say.

You got me into this.

Choosing names, messing with babies, all that girl stuff.

I should have known I couldn't count on you.

All right, let's make it simple.

If it's a girl, we'll just name it Brenda.

If it's a boy, then we'll name it after me.

Explain that. We're trying to find a name for Lisa Webster's baby.

Lisa Webster's baby?

Yeah.

Daddy, you didn't think that I... No, no, no, no, sure.

See, it was your mother.

Well,

thank you.

Little Lisa Webster, but she's only 15.

Well, little Lisa will soon be big Lisa.

Well, it's going to be great. Lisa's looking for an apartment.

Yeah, and her folks are looking for her boyfriend.

Why is Lisa going to handle an apartment?

Don't worry, Mom. She's got it all figured out. I mean, just because she's

doesn't mean she can't handle it. And who's going to take care of this baby?

Their parents.

Oh, and is that what y 'all call family planning?

Or they could just stay with their parents. That's what most kids do.

What do you mean, most kids?

It happens all the time, Daddy. I mean, lots of girls at our school have babies.

Yeah, that's why a lot of guys switch schools.

And you think that's cool?

Uh -uh.

I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal over this. Guys? What

Sorry.

We guys are wondering why you guys aren't upset. You guys don't seem to be

taking this serious.

Come on, Mom. It is no big deal.

And what's your tone of voice? What do you mean, no big deal? Is that what they

teach you in school?

And whatever happened to that sex education class?

Oh, we still have it. It's just the field trip that gets them in trouble.

Well, it's not really my idea.

I read it in a magazine, and I just thought it might work here. I'll try

anything to get them to see that having a baby is not the same as getting a new

doll. Oh, I know what you mean. And that when you get tired of it, you just

can't throw it in the closet like Ken and Barbie.

Here they come. Now, you just tell it to them the way you told it to me. Me?

Wait a minute. I'm not a teacher.

How long have you been a mother?

Fifteen years.

You're a teacher.

What did

you do?

Class, this is Mrs. Jenkins.

She's going to talk to you about a special project for our sex education

Is it for extra credit?

Yes, and with some of the grades around here, you can use it.

May I have your attention?

I think I'm going to die.

Now, this project has to do with teenagers having babies.

I know I'm going to die.

Yes? Miss Jenkins, I mean, if this is going to be about babies, may the boys

excused.

Well, excuse me, but the last time I checked, it took a boy and a girl to

produce a baby.

Hey, can I write that down?

Oh, no. Write this down.

The responsibility of raising a child belongs to the father and the mother.

As a matter of fact, raising a child is what you're going to be doing. What?

Now, you'll each be divided into teams of a boy and a girl. I like it already.

Hey, Jerry, you're finally going to get a date.

Actually, you'll all be getting dates. Each team is going to be assigned a

living, breathing animal to take home and keep with you as though it were your

very own baby.

Now you'll care for it and feed it and take it with you wherever you go.

Dividing up the duties of who does what will leave up to you, okay?

Have your parents sign these approval forms, and on Monday, you can pick up

animals after school.

Hey, this is going to be a breeze.

You mean that's it? That's all we have to do is take care of a little animal

a week?

Well, I'm glad you think it's going to be so easy.

It's a snap. I take care of my little brother all the time, and he's an

Well, any questions before I leave?

Yeah, are you going to show up in my geometry class, too?

I may show up in all your classes, Miss Smarty.

I think what you're doing is wonderful.

You know, the problem of unwed mothers is terrible.

Well, my problem is unwed grandmothers.

Pearl, this is serious.

Do you know I read that a teenage girl gets pregnant every 20 minutes? Where's

Calvin?

He said he'd be back in 20 minutes.

education class.

Oh, good for you.

It's never too late to laugh.

She's not learning, Sandra. She's teaching.

Really?

Sandra, we're having a very adult conversation.

Would you mind waiting in the hall?

Maybe I came down to help. I know how to keep teenagers from getting into

trouble. Oh, and what would you suggest?

Lock them in their room till they're 21.

Well, don't laugh. Believe me, I thought about it. Oh, my parents were very

strict with me.

Yeah, we can see that.

Oh, they were.

Every time my date would take me to the movies, my father would chaperone us.

The worst thing was, I had to sit downstairs, and my boyfriend had to sit

upstairs.

It was murder trying to hold hands.

Today, the kids go to the drive -in movies, and who knows what goes on

honey. A little more than holding hands.

Ooh, I love it.

Now, look now, Mary, if you need any help with this sex education thing, you

know. No, thank you, darling. It's not an advanced class.

Oh, my lesson. Hey, son.

You gonna help Mary with her homework tonight?

That girl's

crazy. Did you pick up the kids' animals?

Yeah, they'll be right up. They stopped off to show it to Tiffany.

This is so exciting. It's just like bringing home a new addition to the

I know what you mean.

I felt like this every time I brought home a new husband.

Yeah, well, you all can be excited about it, but it sounds like a whole lot of

trouble to me.

Oh, honey, how much trouble can a bunny rabbit or a little hamster be?

I don't know about a bunny rabbit or a little hamster, but Alberta could be

plenty. Alberta?

Mm -hmm.

Hi, Mom.

Meet Alberta.

Well, I think the playpen looks like it's still in pretty good shape.

You sure this was Brenda's when she was a baby? It sure was.

We'd put her in it every day, but she'd be up and over the top in no time,

pulling down stuff and breaking things. We wouldn't have had anything left if it

wasn't for this playpen.

Well, I thought you said the playpen couldn't hold her. It couldn't. We ended

putting Brenda on the floor and all the breakable stuff in the playpen.

Well, Alberta has had her bad.

Looks like they did, too.

You should have been there. It was so much fun.

Yeah, fun.

Say, isn't that my bathroom?

Well, we had to use it. Our brother was cold.

Well, why didn't you use the towel?

I used all the towels mopping up the floor.

She soaked up the bathroom, the hall, and your side of the bed.

My side of the bed?

Yeah, she kind of got away.

Well, have you ever tried... to catch a soapy pig?

It's slippery.

I don't think it's funny. If it were your side of the bed, I bet you would

caught it.

I better fix dinner.

How about pork chops?

Well, speaking about fixing dinner, I better go get Tiffany started. I'll see

'all later. Bye.

Uh,

Calvin, have you had your dinner yet?

As a matter of fact, I haven't.

Then I think you should go home and have it.

Oh, yes, sir.

He can stay. We got plenty of food.

Not unless we have an Alberta.

Daddy!

What did you make for Alberta, Ma?

Nothing. Alberta is your responsibility.

Yours and Calvin's.

Maybe I will go home and eat dinner.

Freeze.

Now, you know the deal.

You and Brenda are responsible for Alberta, and if she doesn't eat, you

eat. Well, I guess I can go find some garbage.

And while you're at it, pick up something for the pig.

Brenda, come on. You're going to be late for school.

Well, you got everything?

Got your books? Books. Lunch?

Lunch. Alberta?

Alberta.

Rest now.

You got to wash Alberta, give her a snack, and take her for a walk in the

Come on. But I've got basketball practice.

Uh -uh, baby. You've got Alberta practice.

Come on. Hop to it, parents.

Get your baby.

Yeah, I know it's been going on for over an hour.

Well, we're doing the best we can.

Hey, man, haven't you ever had a cranky pig?

Daddy, I don't know what to do. She just won't stop. Let me try something.

Yeah,

it worked the same way back then.

your baby, too.

Daddy, you think she could be sick?

I don't know, sugar. She might be.

Maybe you better call Dr.

Hillwood. Dr.

Hillwood is a pediatrician. You can't call a pediatrician for a pig.

Well, why not? It's a baby pig.

Daddy, please call him. I'm worried. All right, all right. I'll call.

But you better not be faking.

That must be Calvin. I told him to come up here. He should be suffering like the

rest of them.

Mary, it's four o 'clock in the morning.

Your baby makes so much noise, my date cuts short his goodbyes. And his

are the best part of the date.

Well, have you got a solution on how to keep a pig quiet?

Chew on the frying pan.

What's going on?

Alberta is very upset.

So's my date. Your child is ruining my love life.

idea of waking up Calvin in the middle of the night. The boys got to get up in

the morning. We all have to get up in the morning, girl.

Besides, Alberta is part of Calvin's responsibility.

Well, the noisy part is from your side of the family. Well, if the noisy part

my side of the family, then the other end must be your side of the family.

Barry, are you people crazy? This apartment building is not Wild Kingdom.

Hello, Rose. Nice of you to stop by.

Where did you leave?

We lined the place in with it. What, did you read it?

No, but the paint was pouring over it this morning.

Who brought that porky here in the first place?

I'll give you one guess.

A woman like this should never be allowed in a sex class.

Give me a bribe.

You know, she's acting this way because she thinks her father doesn't like her.

I am not her father. She's right. I don't like her. Well, maybe you should

more time with her. I've got my own life to lead.

He said if the pig isn't right in the temperature, it probably isn't sick. He

also said to tear up his phone number and forget we ever knew him.

How are we supposed to take the pig's temperature? He told me that, too.

And? And I ain't doing it.

And we thought this assignment was going to be easy. Yeah, that's why we came

over. We were wondering if maybe you can talk your mom into ending our

assignment now. Yes.

You don't know my mom in any way. I want to show her that we can do it. Come on,

Brenda. We got to do something. I mean, we're going broke.

Yeah, it's costing us $5 a day just to keep Bugs Bunny here and Carrot.

I bet that goat costs plenty. Oh, no. He just ate two rooms of wallpaper and a

lampshade.

Well, we're thinking about taking this little piggy to market.

listen to us? We sound like we're in the Twilight Zone.

God, how much longer do we have to go on with this stupid assignment?

Three more days.

There must be an easier way to teach us not to get pregnant.

You're not kidding. I haven't seen my boyfriend all week.

Now that's another way.

Hi, kids.

Hi.

How's your assignment coming?

Great.

That's good.

I'm glad to hear it. You know, if this works out, I've got a lot of other great

ideas. All right.

Brenda, you'll never guess who's around the corner at the record store signing

autographs. Who?

Who? Brittany Houston.

Calvin, are you kidding? I love her.

Come on, she's only going to be around there for about 20 minutes. Well, what

about Alberta?

Oh, we can't take her.

She'll be all over the place.

Well, then, Calvin, can you watch her? She's your responsibility, too.

No way. I got to get back.

Calvin, if you go, I'll never speak to you again.

Sorry.

Well, then I'll tell everybody you used to wear my dresses.

Wear your dresses? I've never worn your dresses. Well, I'll tell them anyway.

Miss Clark, can you watch Alberta for a few minutes for me, please?

You can't be serious.

Standing out here with a baby carriage would be like wearing a sign saying,

disregard this outfit.

We're only going to run down to the record store for a few minutes. Yeah,

please, Miss Clark.

Well, if it's only for a few minutes.

It might be fun playing mommy for a while.

Not one of my bigger fantasies, but I'll give it a shot.

Thank you so much. I hope we can still catch her.

Talk about a face only a mother could love.

before I tell everybody it's yours.

I've dated worse.

Beautiful day, isn't it? Oh, lovely.

So nice for the children to be out.

Boy or girl? Girl.

That's nice. So is my granddaughter.

Can I ask you, do you bottle feed or... Yes, bottle, definitely.

Otherwise she'd make such a pig of herself.

Can I see?

Oh, she's adorable.

I bet yours is just as cute as a button, too. Well, she's sleeping right now.

Or should I say Mrs.? Oh, good afternoon. No, no, no. It's definitely

just watching that for somebody.

You're new around here, aren't you? First day on the beat.

How do you do?

I'm with the Neighborhood Watch Program.

I specialize in improving relations with the police and the community.

I'm all for that.

Oh,

I like that.

Yeah,

thanks for watching, Alberta.

Oh, it's no trouble at all. Why don't you run along while the officer and I

discuss a few misdemeanors?

She's gone.

What? Who's gone?

The baby's gone?

Miss Clark, you were supposed to be watching her.

Well, she couldn't have climbed out of the carriage and walked away.

Want to bet?

Now, don't anybody tell me. Just give me a description of her. We give you a

description of her, and you're the one that's going to panic.

Okay, okay. She has brown eyes, long snout, flat on the end, floppy ears, and

curly tail.

Right. Any distinguishing features?

We've got to find it.

I think I'll make some coffee.

Shopping always leaves me drained.

And our bank account feels the same way.

And none of that stuff is mine.

Well, look who's here.

Now, why does this feel familiar?

Oh, I got it.

Sure.

Reminds me of my football days.

Old pig skin.

You know, you're a ugly little sucker, you know that?

I hope you're not getting ready to play this little pig he went to market. Look,

I was just talking to this little... Well, I know what you were just doing.

used to do the same thing with Brenda, and you were just as embarrassed when I

caught you then.

There's nothing wrong with a grown man playing with a baby.

I guess not. Now, pig, that's strange. Get out of here.

Wait a minute.

If Alberta is here, then where's Brendan Calvin?

I guess they just went off and left her.

Oh, fine. Went off and left her. I mean, they missed the whole point of the

assignment. Of all the irresponsible... Now, wait a minute, Mary. Just think

about it.

Wasn't the object to teach them that they weren't old enough to be parents?

Yeah. Well, you proved it, didn't you?

Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

Guess I'm pretty smart after all.

Well, don't forget who it was that explained it to you.

Let's see if you're smart enough to take Alberta in the kitchen and feed her

while I put these packages away.

I think I can handle that.

I'll find some crop to go with these pig feet.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Mom. How's Alberta?

Mom, there's something I've got to tell you. Oh, but first let me tell you how

proud I am of the way you've been taking care of Alberta.

Mom, there's something I think you should know.

Oh, Calvin.

Come on in.

I was just telling Brenda how proud I am of the way the two of you have been

taking care of Alberta.

I mean, so mature, so responsible.

I think she knows.

Not letting her out of your sight for a minute. She knows.

Mom, I messed up with Miss Clark while we went to the record store.

So now she's got away.

Now she's gone forever, and it's all my fault.

It's not just your fault, Brenda.

Miss Clark is as much to blame as you are.

a real baby that got away and suppose it really did get sick and suppose you

were like your friend lisa and while your other friends were graduating from

high school and preparing to go to college all you were preparing to do was

another load of diapers how would you feel then not so good me neither mom i

wouldn't want to be in lisa's shoes for anything well now that's the first step

in growing up i hope the rest of your friends feel the same way are you

They may never go out on a date again.

Now, I know you've been worried about Alberta where she's been and everything,

but we found her. We took her phone, walked in the pocket.

What's that?

That's Alberta. What's that?

The butcher said his name was Paul.

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