Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam. Cause there's no place

home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no same old way. Pulled together, we'll make it

right. With Humber, my friends, I...

No place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there ain't no place like Fair Upper Beaver. There ain't no place like

Fair Upper Beaver. There ain't no place like, there's no place like home.

I mean no place child.

Thanks, Jesse.

That was a wonderful lunch.

How about going up to your place for dessert?

Isn't that just like a man? Always want more.

Not now, Jesse Pooh. You'll get a sugar rush.

Do you ladies know Jesse? Of Jesse's Go -Go Claws?

That's me.

Yeah, the kingpin of mud wrestling.

That's me.

And the sultan of strip joints.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That's all behind him, Mary. Jesse's a legitimate businessman now. In fact,

going to open a classy cocktail lounge, and I'm going to be the hostess.

With the mustard.

When are you going to open this cocktail lounge?

Right down the street.

Down the street? Down what street? Our street?

You're going to open a sleazy dive peddling cheap drinks and expensive

No, this is going to be different.

Yeah, expensive drinks and cheap women.

I hate to turn myself away from my fans.

I'll see you later, Sandra.

Have a good day, ladies.

You too, Mary.

I'll see you tomorrow, Jesse.

Sandra, are you crazy?

Getting yourself involved with a character like Jesse Ames? That club of

going to ruin this neighborhood.

I resent that. This is going to be a highly respectable place, catering to

cream of the community.

And if you continue with these insults, Mary, you won't be invited to the grand

opening of Jesse's Passion Pit.

Hey, babe.

Hi, honey.

Oh, what is for dinner? I am starving.

Oh, first I want you to sign this petition.

What petition? I already told you.

Sandra and that Jesse Ames character are putting a pickup joint right on the

block. And what do I have to do? Pick up somebody to fix my dinner?

Hi, Daddy.

Hey, sugar.

Oh, honey.

Rose is circulating some petitions through the neighborhood for me. I want

to go pick them up. Mom, I'm...

Hey, how's that project coming?

It's really interesting.

Did you know that there were over 5 ,000 black cowboys in the Old West?

And they're finally getting the recognition they deserve.

There was Matt Love, Bose Eichert, Bill Pickett. He used to bulldog cattle by

biting them on their upper lip and dragging them down with his teeth.

Well, they sure don't make role models like that anymore.

There was even a woman gunfighter, Two -Gun Annie. They said she was a match

any man.

Two -Gun Annie, huh? Let me see that.

Now, I bet you she would have known how to handle that Jesse Ames character.

And it wouldn't have taken a petition either.

Just a good old -fashioned showdown.

Now, calm down, baby. You're letting this Jesse business get the best of you.

Yeah, Mom, you look tired.

Come on, sit down over here and relax.

And Brenda and I will finish dinner. Come on, sugar.

Okay, but just for a minute.

The old west.

Range wars, shootouts.

Now those were the good old days.

Coach, with the new school mom and the dance hall girl.

Four kings. The new dance hall girl is mine.

Hold on.

Four kings don't beat six bullets.

Shucks. Four kings don't even beat one bullet.

I run this place.

Come on now. Come on back here.

Go back there and put on your dance hall outfit right back there.

I beg your pardon.

I am not a dance hall girl. I am the new school mom.

Then who's the dance hall girl?

You?

It was a long, hard ride from New York.

Oh, well, if you would be so kind as to direct me to the schoolhouse, please.

There ain't no schoolhouse.

Then what am I supposed to do?

You do like the last school mom did.

And what was that?

Oh, Miss Peabody!

More whiskey, boys!

Why,

it's two gunmen!

The fastest gun in the West.

So you're two -gun Mary, huh?

Well, I see you can count.

I've been waiting for this here chance.

I was only going to ask you for your autograph.

Well, when they put your cast on, I'll sign it for you.

I hear you put away a lot of men.

I heard the same thing about you.

I heard you was headed this way two guns. Been in town ten minutes and

there's a finger on the floor.

Sorry about that, Marshal. Just looking for a quiet town to settle down.

That's the same thing you said in Abilene. Then you put ten men on Boot

Well, it was quiet after that.

Now, look, Marshal, it ain't easy being the fastest woman in the West.

Tell me about it.

Well, I'm sorry, two -gun, but wherever you go, trouble follows.

So you got till noon tomorrow to get out of town.

Oh, now, Marshal, while riding into town, I saw the cutest little ranch

with a two -horse stall. Forget it.

Oh, shucky.

I got

enough of trouble here.

Why don't you just get back on the road again?

I just want to settle down.

You just move on out of town.

Guess I'm on the road again.

Remember, noon tomorrow.

Better make that 11 .30.

And you, if you don't clean this place up, I'm going to throw you in jail just

like I did your partner, Jesse Ames.

Jesse Ames.

That sleazeball, I hate him more than I hate flies.

Don't shoot me. I'm just his partner.

Shot my cousin two -gun Louie.

You kind of remind me of him.

Broad shoulders.

Cute little upturned smile.

Had three bullet holes in your head, you'd look just like him.

Hey, come on, you two. Now the second show's about to start. Sit down, relax.

I don't sit with no marshal.

He's probably married.

I'm a widower.

Table for two?

Jesse's out?

Yeah, he swore he was gonna get you. He'll be arriving with his gang tomorrow

morning on the 9 o 'clock train.

You know what that means, Marshal? Yep.

The way these trains run, you ought to get here about... high noon.

That's the wrong thing.

Come on, Pa, we better go.

Yeah, the stagecoach is just leaving. If you hurry... You can catch it at the

stoplight.

You might try Dodge City. I hear they're looking for a marshal and his daughter.

Dodge City?

Wow, they have a new mall.

I ain't leaving.

But, Pa, if we go to Dodge City, I could go to school.

And I'd love to go to school.

This must be a dream.

Sugar, you don't understand.

Men... like Jesse are diseased in the West.

He'll start with this bar and he'll spread his filth throughout this whole

I've seen it happen before and I'll die in a hail of bullets before I let it

happen here.

Jesse aims to bleed.

Well, I'm going to make a stand.

And I'm calling on all the good, brave men of this town to stand with me.

Sam?

I'd like to help, but I lost my contact lens.

contact lenses yet.

Call me when they do.

Wilbur, you can count on me, Marshal. Good man.

What time did you say they're coming?

High noon.

Darn, I got a brunch to go to.

Marshal, now might be a good time for you to settle up your tab.

Now, boys, this is your town, and it ought to... mean as much to you as it

to me.

So I'm going to turn my back and count to three, and when I'm finished, I

to have all the deputies I need.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four. They went out the door.

him was my brother.

So what are you going to do now, Marshal?

I'm going to send Brenda Sue to her grandmother in Cheyenne, and then I'm

to get ready for my showdown.

Well, isn't anybody going to help my pa save this town?

How about you, Miss Two -Gun Mary? You hate Jesse.

Sorry, honey, your pa is cute, but I didn't come here to fight.

I'm hanging up my gun.

But why?

Got a little story to tell you, kid.

Hit it.

When I was a kid, me and my family headed west.

It was my ma, my pa, my grandma, my grandpa, my brothers Jake,

Clam, Zeke, and Dusty. This is gonna be a long story.

separated from my family. I was raised by the Sioux, the Choctaw, and the

Cleveland Indians.

Is that the end of the story?

Must be. The music stopped.

Well, isn't anybody going to help my pa?

Honey, I'll help you.

What do you know about crime and violence?

Hey, I used to be a school teacher, remember?

You're starting to annoy me, kid.

All right, all right, I'll teach him.

Now, let me see here now. The Marshal has you two, and all Jesse has is Killer

Kelly, Dirty Eddie, and the Charles Bronson brothers.

Shucks, in a gunfight, anything can happen. Why, one lucky bullet, you might

wind up owning this joint.

And then there were three.

Bring us some guns.

Let me check your aim.

Bartender! Put a bottle on that there table.

chance of you ladies joining up with Jesse's gang?

Yeah, come on now, boys. Step right up. Put your money where your mouth is.

Get your bets down.

30 minutes till the big fight.

Get your program.

Remember, Miss Sandra, you promised to sit with me during the gunfight. You?

She promised to sit with me.

Both of y 'all wrong. She promised to sit with me.

Oh.

Sorry, boys.

But I'm sitting with him.

she wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

This is a tough room.

I'll try anything.

Seeing you around, Mark. Nice knowing you, Marshal. So after all I've done for

this town, y 'all all gonna stand by and watch me get killed. Is that true?

True.

I know why you're here, so let's get this over with.

It's tough talk coming from a man out number five to one.

Make that five to two.

Well, two gone merry. We meet again.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Changing my mind, Marshal.

I'll be glad to help you.

You're the kind of cowpoke I've been looking for all my life.

Warm, sensitive.

I'm a proud to fight beside you.

I thought I told you to get out of town.

Smooth -talking devil, ain't you?

You ain't so bad yourself. We get out of this, I might take you on a hayride

Saturday night.

Only ride you going on is the boot heel.

Are you ready, boys?

Count of three.

One.

Two.

Hold it, Marshal.

I didn't need any contact lenses.

I just needed a little courage.

I'm over here.

Make that five to three.

Marshal, I'm here to help. To heck with that brunch. You ever heard of ballet

parking a horse anyhow?

Make that five to four.

You see, Jesse, some people do care about the future of this town.

Make that five to five.

Make that five and a half to five.

Do I hear six?

I'm behind you. I'm behind you.

Guess it's just you and me, partner.

Looks like you're going to be a silent partner.

Thought it a one, huh?

Uh -uh, boy.

Hold it.

Just make this one -on -one.

We got a score to settle.

I've been waiting for this.

Now, wait a minute. Step aside, Mary. This is my fight.

Uh -uh, Marshal. Sorry, but I'm faster.

No, now you come looking for me.

So what? It's my dream. It's my job.

Take flight.

Wake up. We have dinner ready.

I don't want to shoot you, Lester.

Hey, you haven't even tasted it yet.

Oh, honey, I had the strangest dream.

Good. Then you can tell us about it over dinner. Now, get yourself together.

I got a meatloaf in the house.

Mary, you were right about that sleaze, Jesse.

I draw the line at mud wrestling and wet T -shirts.

And what about your hostess job?

His idea of a hostess job was not my idea of a hostess job.

Besides, there is no more passion picture a petition took care of that.

Oh, honey, did you hear that? We won.

We won. We beat Jesse.

That's great, babe. You did a good job.

Rose and I must have had over 300 names.

Wait a minute.

We never delivered those petitions.

Well, if you didn't deliver them, then... It was a dirty job, but somebody

to do it.

Thanks.

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