Original subtitles

There's no place like home.

With your family around you, you're never alone.

When you know that you love, you don't need to roam.

Cause there's no place like home.

Times are changing every day.

We won't get by with no same old way. No, no. Women together, we'll make it.

We'll be

right

back.

Well,

what do you think?

Oh, you look beautiful.

Now go take it off.

Do we have time?

Well, we are going to an IRS audit, not planning a romantic evening. Put on

something that says old, worn, and these folks are struggling.

Boring. You know, ever since you got that notice, you don't eat, you don't

sleep. All you do is worry.

I'm trying to get used to being in jail.

We never cheated on our taxes.

Then why are they dragging us in? I must have made an error in 1983.

You made an error?

Get the door. Just get the door.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Mary.

We just dropped by to wish you guys good luck.

Or goodbye.

them internal revenue people are rough.

I remember one time my second husband, he was fined $2 ,500 for taking little

cousin Betty as a deduction.

Why? Didn't he support her? He sure did.

He bet on that horse every week.

Where are you going, honey? I'm going to put on my other jacket. That one looks

too good.

Lord, not today.

Did you tell her about the audit?

After you threatened our lives? No way.

Good. I don't want her to have nothing on me.

Hi. Oh, Mary, you got a new dress.

Oh, you like it? Oh, I love it. I had one just like it five years ago.

No, you didn't. You would never buy this. It covers everything.

Now, you can't take a compliment.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I am in a bit of a rush. Me too. I got a big luncheon date.

I just dropped by to give you that $40 I borrowed from you last week.

It was $45 in last month.

Well, haven't you heard? The dollar dropped.

Good. Dropped my fad.

Oh, Mary, here's your old fad. Oh,

by the way. What? I had those shoes ten years ago.

Wrinkled up old army jacket on.

Man, it's a good day to be patriotic. Show off the old stripes.

Well, child, all you need is your mama's apple pie and a flag.

Oh, all right. I'll put on the other jacket, but let's get out of here.

Well, what's the rush?

You got an hour before your appointment.

Yeah, and you haven't even had breakfast.

They got a coffee shop in the building. We can grab something to eat there. Now,

will you stop socializing and help me get this stuff together?

Hey, toots.

Toots! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what took so long with French toast, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

The Concorde arrived late from Marseille.

Next time, ask for English muffins. It's a shorter trip.

You know, I saw that movie, Platoon, last night.

Incredibly violent. But you know that it was nominated for eight Academy Awards

and three Purple Hearts?

I hear that if you see it twice, you get a battle ribbon.

There was no ramble, though. You put Stallone in there, that thing's over in

seconds.

Hey, hey, Chris, hold it, hold it, hold it. How many times do I have to tell

you, no shooting at breakfast?

You seen Platoon Tuts?

Have I seen it?

I was in a platoon.

A platoon of Green Berets.

Oh, not servicemen, just guys who like to wear Green Berets.

Mary,

that traffic was murderous, so come on, let's make this fast.

Would you relax?

Goodness, we got over 20 minutes. Yeah, I know, I know. Can I get something for

you folks?

Uh, two coffees, please.

We got some nice, fresh cheesecake.

Uh, no, no, just coffee.

Ah, well, with the cheesecake, you get a free refill.

Hey, free refills. I thought you was on a diet.

Look, all we want is coffee. Well, your new customers just wanted to give you

all the options.

Thank you.

We got everything?

Yeah, the bank statements, receipts, the checks.

What's the matter?

Still worried about this party item. That must be it.

Well, it was a legitimate business deduction. My goodness, we got the

from the caterer. Yeah, I know, but $553 is a lot of money for a party. He may

want some backup, like the list of the guests who were there.

Well, let's try to remember who was there.

Oh, I know.

Jack Perkins was there, the developer.

And, uh, here.

And, uh, let me see.

It was Sam Peters.

The architect was there with his secretary.

Uh -uh.

Perkins came with the secretary.

Oh, yeah, he was the one who was grinning all night long.

Hello, you beautiful people. I love you all.

Oh, the market is up.

28 points.

Two eggs, sunny side up. We broke the 2200 barrier.

Oh, I am thrilled.

All you stockbrokers are alike.

That's all you think about. All day long is the market. That's not true.

That's not true?

Did you ever hear of acid rain?

Is that on the American Exchange or over the counter?

It's over your head.

And it's a big problem.

You know that there are holes up there in the atmosphere with pollutants

through, contaminating our soil, our plants, our chickens.

And you know where all those rotten eggs end up? Where?

Here, on your plate.

Do you have any Pop -Tarts back there?

Yeah, I'll Pop -Tart you in a minute.

Toots, I've got to talk to you for a second.

Okay, my baby. Okay, my honey.

Okay.

I don't like that look. Okay, what is it?

Toots, you're aggravating the customers again.

And when they get aggravated, they don't eat. If they don't eat, we don't eat.

Yeah, but they should know about acid rain. Oh, honey, your acid rain's giving

them acid indigestion.

You know, you've got to quit bugging me.

I'm warning you.

If not, tonight I wear pajamas to bed.

You sit here and keep thinking, and I'll meet you upstairs in ten minutes, room

410. Okay.

How about that New York governor, Mario Cuomo, not running for president?

He's Italian.

He could never have won.

Sure he could. People would be afraid not to vote for him.

See? See, it's dumb remarks like that that would have made it very, very tough

for this man to win.

People think if you're Italian, you've got some kind of connection to the

and that's all wrong. That's right.

Yeah, my people don't think that way. I'm half Italian.

Okay, we got judges, doctors, lawyers, priests.

No mafia?

Huh?

One uncle in Jersey City, we're not sure about.

Robert, fine.

The usual, herbal tea with lemon.

Dude, it's Friday.

I go all the way. Oh, I forgot. Tea and rice cakes.

Coming up.

I can't believe what I just heard on the radio driving in. The market's down.

You know, Perry, I did hear something about a crash.

I'm sure it's nothing.

I'll finish his bagel.

So, I'm driving in, listening to my easy music station.

Suddenly, they're talking about condoms.

At first, I thought they were condominiums.

Then I heard they came three in a pack.

You know, they're selling so good down at my pharmacy, I've moved them from

under the counter onto the top of the counter.

They've taken the place of cough drops.

I tell you, it figures they started with body odor, then they went to

hemorrhoids, and then they segued into diarrhea, and now it's... I can't even

say it.

I definitely don't want to hear that word on the radio right after Doris Day

just sang Que Sera Sera.

When do you want to hear that word?

How about between three and four in the morning?

Three or four in the morning?

By that time, it's too late.

I beg your pardon?

I mean, it's about time our children learned about sex before it's too late.

Thank you for that.

You know, of course, it might just help after what the Supreme Court just did.

Toots, say a woman working for you got pregnant.

Hey, I didn't do it.

The only help I fool around with is my wife.

Come on, we're talking hypothetical here.

Okay. From now on, according to the Supreme Court, any working woman that

pregnant can take time off, and then when she gets ready, you have to give

her job back.

Yeah. I mean, I figured Sandra Day O 'Connor would vote for it, but the guy.

Come on.

I mean, if they get time off for having it, we should get time off for giving

it.

Excuse me.

I mean, just what is it you have against women?

Well, for one thing, some of them are always butting in.

Robert, Robert, I'm sorry. You can't talk to my customers that way, even

they didn't order the cheesecake.

No, no, no, it's cool.

For your information, did you know that up till now this country was practically

the only one who did not give working women time off to have their babies?

So what?

My mother had me on a Saturday, nursed me on Sunday, and was back at work on

Monday.

Well, I guess so. One look at you and she was probably glad to rush back to

work.

Come on, let's face it, lady.

I mean, women could parlay this into the greatest racket in history. I can see

the ads now.

Ladies, plan your vacation nine months in advance.

Oh, you think getting pregnant is a vacation?

I mean, how would you like to stand up and not know your front from your rear?

Oh, excuse me. You don't have that problem. You think with your rear.

You know, if you ever worked for me and were lucky enough to get pregnant... Oh,

but what am I saying?

I mean, you would never be quiet long enough for that.

Oh, I don't know.

Unfortunately, your mother did.

I hate to talk about your... Toots, I

came in here for rice cakes.

Not a prune Danish.

Mr. Davis?

Mr. Anderson will see you now.

What is

the matter with him?

Mary, maybe we better...

a post -bomb and getting a lawyer or an accountant to go in with us.

Lester, we have nothing to hide.

Now, you see, you rushed up here and were still waiting.

People like us.

We don't look dishonest.

Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins.

Mr. Stone will see you now.

Would you

stop

it? Now on your face.

Whatever will be, will be.

It's a set.

Mr.

Stone, I'm Lester Jenkins, and this is my wife, Mary.

Your wife?

Mary!

But we're getting a divorce.

The one you're going to ask for when you find out what I did.

What did you do?

We just had a teeny tiny disagreement down in the coffee shop.

She just insulted me and my mother.

My ex -wife did that?

And here I thought this was going to be just a run -of -the -mill audit.

This is going to be fun.

Shall we sit?

Here, Mrs. Jenkins, let me give you the chair.

Uh, a chair.

Stone, I'm sure that mature people... Please, please, please. I despise

Mary, whatever this is all about, just admit you were wrong and let's get on

with this.

Now, you seem like a nice fella.

It's a shame this is a joint tax return.

Uh, Mr. Stone, she's a wonderful wife, but sometimes she's a little high

-strung. High -strung?

What happened to one for all and all for one?

What happened to sipping your coffee and not talking to strangers?

Mr. Stone, would not hold a grudge because of a simple disagreement, would

Mr. Stone? Of course not.

Mary, your 1983 checks, please.

All of them.

Sandra,

you haven't been in for two weeks. Where have you been keeping yourself?

Oh, if I told you, you could write a book about it.

Dr. Ruth would be calling you, too.

be for lunch here. We're going to the fish grotto. Fish? That's our special

allay, Sardines Jubilee.

Oh, no, we were thinking of a slightly bigger fish, Toots. You don't mind, do

you? Mind? Are you kidding?

The minute you walk in, you make my day.

Watching you walk anywhere makes my week.

I don't see how you do it. I tell you, it's against the law of physics to see

the way you walk.

Hey,

Tootsie, you need my high heels.

Got up at a quarter of six this morning, cleaned the house, did the laundry,

came in here, made the sandwiches, made the salad.

So when are you going to settle down and enjoy the good life?

Well, as soon as I find the right man. I mean, I got simple needs. Tall, dark,

handsome, rich.

Don't panic. She can't have me.

Hey, come on. Fill me in on the real world.

The market is down.

Fifty -four points.

Fifty -four points? Oh, boy.

You need some plasma. Here.

Make it acid rain.

The market is in the pits.

You know why? That's because of all the insider scandals. Everybody else giving

somebody else a tip. It's disgusting.

You bet it is. No one bothered to call me.

Harry, you don't know how lucky you are.

As H.

of H &R Block said to Ivan Boski, if you have a problem, we'll come down to the

prison to visit you.

All you pay is the penalty.

A party at your house for

$553? I knew it.

That's right. I invited all the people over who I do business with.

That's right.

And I served onion dip, deviled eggs, chicken wings, and little weenies.

And we had an accordion player.

I think I saw that party on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

All the catering receipts are right there.

Ah.

Leo and Flo.

From our deli to your belly.

And, child, they have the best chicken wings and little weenies you ever

Please.

Don't you think $553 for a plastic fork party is a little high? A plastic fork

party? I'll have you know I use my best underwear.

And I assure you the price of chicken wings and little wingies was at an all

-time high. That's right.

We give this party every year. Oh, really?

Mary.

Well, if you don't believe me, the next time we have one, come over and see for

yourself.

I mean, I've been offered trips to Europe, cruises, Swiss bank accounts.

but never a little weenie dinner by Flo and me.

Well, I'm an honest businessman, and the party was strictly legit.

Then I assume you have a list of the guests who were there?

We certainly do. I've got it right here.

I bet Princess Di would kill for it.

Honey, did I give it to you?

You were writing it on your napkin downstairs.

I bet I left it downstairs.

Oh, the old lost napkin bit.

I want to go downstairs and get the damn napkin. Would you calm down? I'm going.

I've been watching that series, America.

I think it's very scary.

The only thing that scares me is that the Russians may make Chris

shave off his beard.

Excuse me.

Just heels. The soles are fine.

That's not it.

What did you do with my napkin?

I was thinking of having it bronzed.

I think it's in a trash bin with the rest of the stuff.

In a trash... Here.

Look, lady, all you gotta do is order a cheesecake.

I'll give you a new one.

Who is that?

Some poor, unfortunate creature.

I'm Mary.

Did Lester cut back on your allowance again?

Just what I need.

Sandra, what are you doing here?

I'm meeting my date.

Well, if I find him in here, I'll let you know.

Mary, what are you doing in there anyway?

Got it.

Where you going?

None of your business, and don't butt in.

She's one of my best friends.

like Nancy Reagan and Donna Wiggins.

You know, Ronnie's got a little problem. He's got to let one of them go.

Yeah, well, she's his wife.

He's the chief of staff.

Sayonara, Don.

Mr. and Mrs.

Eaters.

Well, that's a P.

There was some relish on Mr. Peters.

That's my architect, Sam Peters.

Look, Mr. Jenkins, you are in business.

You have employees, and you should be keeping proper records.

I mean, I'd have to lean over backwards to say that this doesn't at least border

on fraud.

Fraud?

Hey, man, I don't mind you doing your job, but when you sit there and accuse

wife and me of criminal conduct, then you better be prepared to deduct some

inches off your height.

Honey, honey, his head is too hard. You'll hurt your hand.

Well, aren't you a very charming couple?

Unfortunately, however, you have insufficient records.

Therefore... I'm sorry, but he's in a meeting.

Excuse me.

Bobby, I've been waiting downstairs for 20 minutes. Sandra, baby, I'm sorry.

Sandra,

what are you doing here?

Oh, Sandra, do you know these people? Does she know us? We're practically

family. Tell him, Sandra.

I didn't catch your name.

Oh, now you look a little familiar.

Would you stop clowning around?

Hmm, so, you're being ordered in, huh? So that was the big secret.

Hey, wait a minute.

You were there.

You remember that business party I had in 1983?

Of course she remembers. The one with the chicken wings and the little

You ought to remember you ate everything up.

Tell him about it.

I don't want to butt in your business.

I'm going to kill him.

Sandra, is this true?

Were you actually at this party?

Yes, it's true.

I stopped there for a minute. It was so boring. A lot of people talking about

digging, dredging, and draining.

Oh, so it actually was a business party.

Well, I guess that's it.

Damn it.

The audit is over.

That's it?

Just like that?

Mary, listen, that question demands good judgment.

You can go.

After everything he took us through, she waltzes in and that's it? If you hadn't

talked about the man's mama, we would have been gone.

You're certainly lucky to have a sincere, trustworthy, luscious

Sandra.

You mean a luscious, hungry eyewitness. Bobby, get your stuff. Come on, let's go

to lunch.

Okay, you're free to go.

Come on, Mary, we're in the clear. We're not going to have to pay anything.

Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, see you next year.

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