Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

I understand you played an idiotic prank on a senior and much-respected officer yesterday.

That is just not true, sir. We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir... Oh, I see.

What happened?

We inserted a capsule of the truth serum Sodium Pentothal into his asthma inhaler, sir.

Which is why he rushed onto the bridge this morning, apologised for being late,

saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy with the science officer's wife,

and hadn't allowed enough time to change out of his Batman outfit.

Permission to snigger, sir.

Permission refused.

May have to snigger anyway, sir.

- Do either of you have anything to say? - About what, sir?

About Mr Ackerman. About him being late and wearing a Batman outfit.

Has he considered being Tarzan? Costume change would be much quicker.

You two are both serving a two-year sentence in the brig. Do you wanna get out ever?

It's just that Mr Ackerman's so...

...horrible, sir!

I am not, sir!

I'm extremely nice!

Lovely, in fact.

Warm, caring, but most of all, nice.

Hence my nickname - Nicey Ackerman. That's why I entered the service, sir -

so I could share my sunny disposition with inmate scum who didn't have my start in life.

Sir, he's been horrible from the day we met him.

Today, we have a new intake.

To them I say, obey the rules,

keep out of trouble, and your time here will pass much more pleasantly.

Welcome to Floor 13.

He seems like a nice guy.

If you want to speak, ask my permission.

- I was just saying how nice you seemed. - You spoke again.

I was paying you a compliment, buddy!

I was saying you seemed to be a fair-minded guy, not one of these psycho types.

You spoke again!

Come on. Back me up.

Hang on. Wait. I get it. I'll should shut up.

I'll shut up, now stop hitting me!

That is definitely the key...

- That is totally untrue, sir. - Save it, save it, Mr Ackerman.

I thought long and hard about a suitable punishment and I've come up with this.

You and a team of your choice

will play basketball against a team of guards led by Mr Ackerman.

God bless you, sir.

Where you will be trounced and humiliated in front of the entire inmate population.

But sir, if we lose, Baxter and his cronies will beat us to a pulp.

You'd better win, then.

Aargh!!!

[ELECTRIC SPARKING]

Here, guys. Way to go!

- Where were you? - Where was I?!?

- You were supposed to be picking up Rice. - I did. We're meeting for drinks on Thursday.

- Not that kind of picking up, you ninny! - Buddies, we gotta stop arguing. We can't lose this.

- We've got it all taken care of. - As soon as the guards swig their half-time juice.

Yeah, the Skutter's managed to smuggle something out of the medi lab for us.

You know that stuff that helps impotent guys put the zest back in their love life?

- Boing, the virility enhancement drug? - That's the stuff. We've Mickey Finned their drinks.

Within seconds, you're harder than a quadratic equation... And it doesn't wear off for seven hours.

For seven hours those guys are going to be like catapults! That's going to seriously slow them down.

(CAT) You're not kidding.

Try moving fast with a fishing pole in your pants!

Get out there and kill. They're lambs to the slaughter.

Go on. Go get 'em!

(WHISTLE)

Come on. Get your hands up!

Get your hands on the ball and shoot!

Seven hours...

Do you know how long that is?

I couldn't remove my shorts until after midnight.

When I wanted a leak, I had to do a handstand on the toilet seat.

I stopped the lift doors from closing - I wasn't even catching a lift!

- Where did you get it, the medi-lab? - Yes, sir.

How? If it was one of those damn skutters, I'm gonna have it crushed.

It was me, sir, when the doc's back was turned. I went to up to the medi lab for a sick note,

but the doc said I was feigning illness and didn't accept it was possible to have athlete's hand.

First thing tomorrow, you're on spud duty for two weeks.

Now get out of my sight, both of youse.

Hah!

- (LISTER SIGHS) - Stuck?

- Yeah. God, this is hard! - What are you doing, a crossword?

No, join the dots.

- What number are you stuck on? - 124.

124...

124...

Have you tried 125?

I know the number, you gimboid. It's finding it that's the hard bit.

I'm not some brain-dead simpleton.

Ah, there it is.

Oh, look at that. It's a bucket and spade!

It's clever that, isn't it?

Ah, supper!

Are we supposed to tip them? I'm never sure.

I've seen things more appetising on the floors of elephant houses.

Only a total idiot would eat this.

They call this meat?

My grandmother's buttocks deep-fried in old chip fat would taste better than this.

We're on the punishment menu now.

- No chips, no ice cream, just the basics. - Because we're on punishment detail?

Yeah. Kill Crazy reckons they give us the cloning experiments

that have gone wrong with some gravy slopped over to disguise it.

You waited until I was swallowing til you said that, didn't you?

He swears blind the other day he got something with two noses in it.

Of course he didn't. They can't do that. It's illegal.

His starter sneezed.

- Jimbo Steele was a witness. - Kill Crazy's insane.

He's got lots of strange ideas. He reckons every time they flush a loo on a plane

it drops straight out.

And that's why you can't go to the lav when the plane's standing on the runway -

for fear of skid starts.

- He's probably right. - Of course he isn't.

- Why else won't they let you go, then? - I don't know.

Maybe they're helping you break up your journey?

If they let you go to the loo first off, you'd have nothing to do after you'd eaten your cheese.

Nah, Kill Crazy's probably right. That's why houses on the flight path are always so cheap.

- Because of all the flushing planes? - Yeah, well think about it.

You can't sunbathe. You can't have a barbecue,

and you have to go out, you've got to wear a washable hat and leg it to your car.

It's the noise. That's why houses on the flight path are so cheap. 'Cause of the noise.

- The noise? - Yeah.

But they're half a mile up.

You'd never be able to hear people on the loo from that distance.

- Not unless they were like my Uncle Dan. - Not eating?

Yeah, yeah. In a minute.

(TAPPING)

Yeah...

Ooh! Chicken vindaloo!

Nice one, Bob!

What about the poppadoms, you didn't forget about them, did you?

Poppadoms.

Here's a little something for you.

- Same time tomorrow. - (SQUEAKY KISS)

Cheers.

Is that the skutter who got you the stiffening solution for the basketball game?

Yeah, he can get anything, can Bob.

- A claw in every pie! - Tomorrow, we're on spud duty,

and those knives are supposed to be sharp as a chemistry teacher's cardigan.

Do you reckon he can get us a couple of good potato peelers?

Hang on. I'm onto something here.

Forget the potato peelers. What we want is one of those programmable viruses from the science block.

Programmable what?

Yeah they used to be on Z-Deck. I wonder if the Nanos have reconstructed them.

You can programme them to do anything you want. Eat potato skins. You name it.

We could programme them to eat the skins off the potatoes and leave the rest intact.

We wouldn't have to lift a finger.

Two weeks of hell would become potato paradise.

I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus. She'll take a message.

- Bob's got a missus? - Yeah, Madge. She's amazing.

0 to 60 in under ten minutes.

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

(SINGLE TAP IN RESPONSE)

(RHYTHMIC TAPPING)

- (TWO TAPS) - (TWO TAPS)

(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)

- (TWO TAPS) - (THREE TAPS)

- Damn! - Can't he help us?

No. Wrong number.

I got the Chinese laundry.

Do you need anything ironing?

Now, remember, two entire battalions went missing from this ship. Vanished without trace.

We must stick together and remain constantly vigilant.

One minute, everything's fine. Then you lose concentration for a split second,

and you're all alone and easy pickings for some hostile life-form.

I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot when it comes to safety procedures,

but it's staying alert that has kept us all...

Kept us...

(TINY VOICE) Hello?

Oh, Creator! I'm on my own.

Hey, buddy. We're in here.

What is the point of me giving my "Stay alert, everyone" pep talk if no one is listening?

- What? - Look at this.

What are they, Hol?

They look uncannily like something you should be very, very afraid of.

- What? - Mime artists.

The ones you get in trendy town centres that chase you down the street and freeze when you look at them.

- And everyone laughs at you. - I've never seen anything like this before.

A group of men who display all the normal life signs but seem totally incapable of movement.

Never seen QPR play away, then?

"Tempus." That's Latin for "time".

Latin, I didn't even know the Romans built spaceships...

Somehow, this device appears to have caused time to freeze.

Obviously, they used it erroneously.

Where did...

..you come from, and how did...

..you get hold of that?

It's some kind of tem...

..poral sto...

..rage unit.

Extraordinary!

Hey, this could be a great device for settling arguments!

Don't mess...

..with that thing. It can re...

.ally screw...

..ew-ew-ew...

..you up.

It appears to be able to digitise time and then download it and store it on a hard drive.

This pure time can then be uploaded into objects or places.

- To freeze people? - Technically, they're not frozen, ma'am.

- Merely operating in a different time stream. - So you mean they're moving, just incredibly slowly?

About the same speed as the average Little Chef waitress.

That's why they don't appear to be actually doing anything.

So this device has the ability to make time come to a complete stop. What else can it do?

What's happened? Kryten, why are you so big,

and why do I suddenly feel like a Vimto?

Wagh! You gotta get me back to normal!

Do something. I can't go back like this!

Why not? You may only be three feet tall, but you're both as cute as buttons.

- What's happened to my hair? - And what's happened to mine?

You look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision Song Contest.

It seems to have restored your hair to a previous time period to the rest of you. Compensating...

Now, it's regressed your outfits to a previous time in your lives.

And you still look like the Turkish entry in the Eurovision Song Contest.

So, here's a question. Can you unfreeze these guys

but take them back in time so they have no memory of finding this?

- I think so, ma'am. Why? - If we can smuggle this thing back on Red Dwarf,

it can make our prison terms pass in seconds.

Leave this to me. I have an excellent place to conceal it.

(SQUEAKS THEME FROM "THE GREAT ESCAPE")

Nice one, Bob!

(CHOIR SINGS DRAMATIC OPERA-TYPE THEME)

- It's not working, is it? - Give it a bit of time to get going.

Look... Look.

- It's working on this one. - Yes!

- And here's another. And another. - Yes!

And another! Fan-smegging-tastic.

Listie, we're on our way. They're gonna do the whole damn room in minutes!

- Hey, what's happened to your sleeve, man? - What?

- Your sleeve. I've not noticed that before. - My God! They're eating my clothes.

(LAUGHS)

(LISTER CONTINUES LAUGHING)

What?!

Well?

It wasn't me, sir, it was him. He made me do it.

You Judas! I thought we'd agreed to refuse to talk.

Just let me blame you first, then I'll refuse to talk.

If I ever, ever see you in this office again,

then you're in the hole. Is that what you want?

- (BOTH) No, sir. - Well, then. Get out.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

You haven't been down to the medi bay to get this virus off, have you?

I probably shouldn't have shaken your hand, sir. That was probably a mistake.

Big mistake, sir.

- I, erm... we'll be going, sir. - Right now.

That's it!

Two months

in the hole!

Sir, what about me athlete's hand?

Now!

(KRYTEN) Straight after lunch, we zap the ship with a two-year download of time.

And the records will show that we've served our sentences and are free to be released.

This machine's amazing!

Do you think it could do boob jobs, too? Obviously, I'm just thinking about the future.

- You spilt my soup. - Sorry, Baxter, non-bud.

It was an accident.

Hot Bovril.

Agh!

Grr!

Look at him. The big lug. I'd hate to clean the bath out after him.

You'd need a sander to get rid of the tide mark and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.

Fix him. Fix him with the Time Wand.

Watch this.

(LAUGHS)

- Hello? - Hey... there's someone in here with us!

Yeah, it's that bloke sitting next to you.

- Who are you? What's your name? - They call me Birdman.

Oh, aye, why's that?

Because he really likes instant custard (!) why do you think?

- This is Pete. - (PETE SNEEZES)

He's nine years old, which in sparrow years is...

..nine years old.

So, that makes him, er...

Nine?

Nine! That's right! You met him before, have you?

Two months of this! God!

(WELDING, GRINDING NOISES)

What's this?

(SQUEAKING "GREAT ESCAPE" THEME)

(RIMMER) What happened to everyone? (LISTER) It's like, they're all frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder went like this when I tried to kiss her.

Hey, this'll drive them crazy!

- (KRIS) Hey! - Guys!

- (KRIS) Hey, Hey! - (KRYTEN) Ah, sirs!

- Buddies! - This is Birdman.

- And this is Pete. - (PETE SNEEZES AGAIN)

We found this machine that can digitise time. And we can release jets of it.

And we reckon it can make our sentence pass in a nano second.

Hats off, sirs.

- There's something wrong with Pete. - What?

He's gone all stiff!

He must have drunk the guards' half-time juice.

Not that kind of stiff. He's dead.

The excitement of being free has killed him!

He really loved that bird. It was the only thing that kept him going.

I can't guarantee anything, sirs, but I think the Time Wand could bring Pete back to life.

Make him young and strong again.

Watch.

(ROAR)

- Holy... - ..smeg!

(ROAR)

Where the hell did Barney's ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs, from the Theropod family.

I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years.

There's an old Cat saying that has particular relevance here. It goes something like this -

We are all gonna die!

Pete? Is that you, Pete?

Birdman!

(SNEEZES)

Gesundheit.

You want some seed?

That's a no, then, is it?

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #