Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

("Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette) # Sometimes it's hard to be a woman

# Giving all your love to just one man

# You'll have bad times

# And he'll have good times

# Doing things that you don't understand

# But if you love him, you'll forgive him... #

(LISTER) Post's arrived.

Brilliant. A bit of excitement at last.

See that? It's a beaut. One of the struts has collapsed on me bed. I think it was those beans.

Oh, the mail.

Haven't had a chance to look. Anything from my mates?

Don't think so. There's nothing in orange crayon with half the letters backwards.

- Anything for you? - Just the usual.

A couple of death threats.

And I'm in the "Reader's Digest" lucky dip.

Apparently, I'm one of the special few selected for their lucky dip.

That'll be you and the other twelve zillion people then, will it?

I've won either a holiday in Mauritius, a soft-top sportscar, or a fabulous matching set of egg cups.

"Scrape with a coin to discover which."

I've won the holiday!

What?

Three million years into deep space where I can't claim it,

I go and win a smegging holiday in Mauritius!

- Oh, they're taking the smeg. - What now?

I've won the Lottery as well.

"To collect your cheque,

"simply bring your winning ticket to Lottery House, 24 Argyle Street." Four million!

No luck, that's my problem. No luck at all.

It's just a wind-up from the guards to sap our morale.

- Here's one for you. - Who from?

Petersen.

My God, that is tragic.

What's happened to him, has he died?

Died? Do you think he'd write and tell you?

Yeah, you're right, you're right. I'm not thinking straight.

He'd be too busy with his funeral and everything, wouldn't he?

- What's happened to him? - Something catastrophic. Hideous.

He's found your guitar in Starbug's wreckage and he's sending it here.

Brilliant!

- Are you OK? - Of course I'm not OK. I hate your guitar.

If I wanted to share a cell with an irritating lump of wood,

I'd have moved in with an Australian soap star.

I didn't realise you thought I was that bad.

Didn't you get a clue that time I tried to insert it in you?

You'd have stood a better chance if you'd used the neck end.

Anyway, you were revising. You always get a bit uptight when you're revising.

Come on, come on - what about the Om song? That was a classic!

#Om.....

#om! #

People who heard that formed self-help groups.

Don't give me that. They played me demo on hospital radio.

Yes, and three patients came out of comas, packed their bags and went home.

Hey! The axe man is back!

You beaut!

Hang on. There's no strings.

They've confiscated the strings!

I feel like a man who leaps out of a plane with no parachute

and lands in the hot tub at the Playboy mansion.

Why would they take me strings? It doesn't make sense.

Prison regs, you're not allowed anything you can hang yourself with.

I wouldn't wanna hang meself if I had me guitar strings.

I think they were thinking of me.

Maybe my luck's changing. At last a break.

(GUARD) By the way, I forgot - for you.

"Because of the nature of your crime, blah-blah-blah-blah...

"...we are willing to review your case.

"For this process to be successful, you would need a record of good behaviour, and accept the consequences

"That a successful appeal would mean similar amnesty for prisoner colleagues in your situation."

(BOTH) Yes!

Well, thanks to Kill Crazy, that was the least enjoyable suicide mission I've ever been on.

I'm standing there, right? And right in front of me was this weird sort of mutant thing

with like, two heads and all these tentacles.

It took one look at me and ran off.

Why do you think it done that?

(SNIFFS)

You don't know what it's like being classified as a woman, sir. The humiliation!

I know. I know.

Why should I, a series 4000 mechanoid,

have to endure the turgid monotony of showering with the girls three times a week?

- Tell me that! - It's not fair, I know. It's just that...

- You shower with the girls? - Oh, it's so hideously dull, I can't describe it.

As, they stand around soaping themselves.

Their bodies all wet and foamy.

Can you imagine it?

Oh, my goodness. We've been frozen in time again.

Hello?

Extraordinary. It must be a warp in the time-space continuum.

How curious it isn't affecting me.

We're not frozen in time, Krytie. We were just thinking about what you were saying.

It's times like this that make me thankful I'm just a head.

Oi, droid boy. Oi, Next time you're in the showers,

why don't you, y'know? Smuggle in a camera and film 'em, eh? Yeah, that'd be brilliant!

I haven't seen a naked woman since...

Well, ever.

Here, I'd pay ya.

- What do you say? - No. I forbid it.

Yeah, me... What?

It's voyeuristic, exploitative and immature.

All right. Who are you?

And what have you done with our Rimmer?

Gentlemen, allow me to clarify my position.

Morally speaking, using a hidden camera in the women's showers,

taking shots of them sudding themselves with mounds of foam, without their permission...

Morally speaking - I'm speaking morally here -

I'm all in favour!

However, Listy has been invited to appeal and a scam like this could ruin it.

- Appeal? - Yeah, I'm appealing.

That's a minority view.

Look, if he's successful, we can all be successful. We've just got to be model prisoners.

Screw his appeal. I wanna see skin!

Yeah! What do you say, bird-tray head?

Are you asking me to betray the people I live with?

To ignore their humanity and reduce them to mindless sex objects

merely there for your moronic titillation?

Yes, please!

If you'll excuse me, I forgot who I was for a moment.

- Hey, what are you doing? - I'm a woman and proud of it.

If you'll excuse, I'll be with my fellow sisters, doing it for ourselves.

I'm going to make this quick and easy. Last night, on D wing,

I was beaten up and mugged.

You have one chance. I'm turning the lights off for precisely ten seconds.

During which, I want whoever took it...

..to return my glass eye.

Kill the lights.

Ten...nine...eight...

- ..seven...six... - (CLUNK!)

I'm glad to see good sense prevailed.

I have a date with Miss Patricia Carling from Supplies on Saturday night.

She thinks my eyes are my loveliest feature.

If I go like this, I'm only half lovely!

If it's not returned within 30 seconds, all Canary privileges suspended. One month.

I know who stole your left peeper, sir.

It was him, sir. I saw him playing marbles with it this morning, sir.

- Thank you, Rimmer. - (CLUNK!)

Have you gone mad? You don't rat on other inmates. It's an unwritten law.

Look, if it helps the appeal, what else matters? Model prisoners.

Would the sky really fall in if people just tidied up a little?

They're here! They've landed!

- Who have? - The invisible aliens.

- Look! There's one. - And there's another.

Agh!

From the people who brought you "Vampire Bikini Girls Suck Paris",

comes another cinematic masterpiece.

- Marvel at the special effects! Marvel at the high fidelity sound! - Looks like another pearler!

Why do they always show us these lousy B-movies?

To sap our morale. Next week, it's the George Formby season.

(AS FORMBY) Get your hanging rope now while there's still some left! Wahey!

Good evening.

Tonight's scheduled feature has been cancelled and replaced by a special live pay-per-view event

brought to you courtesy of Krytie TV.

Transmitting live by my optical receptors, we bring you live and lithe,

Women's Shower Night!

(CHEERING)

Are they really gonna show this? No way! This is a joke, right? This is a...

- Oh, Mama! - You know what this means, don't you?

There is a god?

They got to him. They reprogrammed Kryten.

(SILENT)

If we get caught watching this your appeal's dead in the water.

- Forget the appeal. - I already have!

I'm on about Kris, she's never gonna believe I wasn't involved in this.

We've got to stop it.

- You're right. I want no part of this. - Me neither.

- We've gotta go. - Right now.

- Not a minute to lose. - I'm dust.

Me, too. After two.

One, two... Go!

And now, I'm gonna stare at a cracked floor tile.

What's he doing that for?

Remember - shower night is a pay-per-view event.

Start filling those buckets!

(CLATTERING COINS)

I can't believe this. He's running it like a business. There's even a bloke over there selling ice creams.

Never mind him. Now!

- We've gotta go right now. - I'm going, I'm going...

Now, let's get up close and personal with one of the showerees, Miss Kristine Kochanski.

Fancy a choc ice?

OK. Splendid.

- Later. - Mr Kryten. Visitor, sir.

Kryten. Look, I know Kill Crazy's reprogrammed you - turned you into a ruthless entrepreneur -

but I think I know how to change you back.

Well, keep it to yourself, sir.

I'll make it worth your while.

Can't you see what it's done to you!

It's made me rich, feared and respected. I'm loving every minute of it.

I've just bought the rights to the 5-a-side soccer tournament today.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to get the boxing.

Ah, Miss Kochanski! Good to have you back. I've a little gift for you.

Ooh, another one?

Nothing's too good for you, ma'am. You know you were worried about picking up verrucas in the shower room?

Well, I've got the perfect solution -

a waterproof pogo stick.

This has got to stop.

But the pogo stick could put the ratings through the roof, sir!

Think of the money! Think of the show!

I'm crazy about her. I'm not gonna let you do this.

Do what?

How do you think Kryten got all this?

"Shower Night Live." Oh, God, is he paying some of the girls to do this?

Who's that with the sponge?

That's me!

It replaced the Wednesday night movie.

I saw the whole thing - all three terrible hours of it.

- It was awful. - Is that the time?

I've got a merchandising meeting in two minutes. Excuse me.

You are dead, nickel-hydride breath! And you...

What have I done?

You were there for three hours of it.

Yeah, but I didn't enjoy it. I was outraged.

- Why do you think I only had one choc ice? - How could you go along with this?

I'm only human. You were completely naked.

Starkers. Nude.

In the buff. Totally kitless.

You had no clothes on.

You've seen me with no clothes on when we went out.

Yeah, but I wanted to see if anything had changed.

So, why didn't you just ask instead of filming me in secret?

- Cause, you'd have said no. - Not necessarily.

If I'd known it meant that much to you that you needed to

see me naked so badly, I wouldn't necessarily have said no.

- You wouldn't? - No. We're friends, aren't we?

It never occurred to me that I could just ask.

You're such a great friend. I love being your friend.

- Kris... - No! Not now.

And now... not ever.

- But you just said... - We're not friends any more.

Appeal applications, Listy. Character testimonials!

- What's this? - Kris found out about the shower thing.

- She went ballistic. Just a little a present to say sorry. - A bag of flour?

No, two bags.

I'm in the Tank, in the middle of deep space. I can't just get on the blower to Interflora, y'know?

Flour. Flours.

- It's the closest I could get. - You romantic fool.

Do you know how hard it is getting this stuff? I had to nick this from the bakery. She'll appreciate that.

I can just see her reading the card: "Dear Kris,

"I'm really sorry for ogling you and the girls in the shower yesterday for three gobsmacking hours of steamy fun.

"To make up for it, and to indicate how truly sorry I am, here's two bags of self-raising.

"Something I didn't need any help with yesterday."

It's easy for you, you're not crazy about her. It's really debilitating being nuts about someone.

You lose 20 IQ points every time you talk to them.

You must be nuts about a fair few people, then are you?

The girls found out about "Shower Night". They attacked me, cleaned out my system and kicked me out.

I've been reclassified as a man.

I feel terrible, sir, for endangering your appeal.

It's not your fault, Kryten. They got to you.

- I presume you've heard the news about Miss Kochanski? - What news?

- You haven't heard? - Heard what?

- The news. - What news?

- You haven't heard the news? - Heard what news?

- No one's told you? - Told me what?

- About Miss Kochanski. - What about Miss Kochanski?

About Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim.

What about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?

- I can't believe you don't know! - Know what?!

- No one told you? - Told me what?!

You mean to say you're standing there blissfully unaware of the news about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?

What news about about Miss Kochanski and her ex-boyfriend Tim?

I don't believe it!

Believe what?!

I'm so traumatised no one's had the guts to tell you the horrible, terrible, terribly, appallingly hideous, awful news.

I'm not sure I can even speak now. Heurgh!

Kryten, there's a 200-foot drop down there. Now tell me the news.

Well, she's started going out with Tim again.

He's taking her to the officer's club tonight. Probation permits it provided she's back by 10.

Oh! This is all down to that shower thing, isn't it?

Well, you know what Tim's like, sir - impossibly handsome, oozes charm, a great lover,

and you're just... you.

(WAILS) It's so unfair!

You must feel awful.

Well, I do now. God!

- You're taking this very well, sir. I'm really impressed. - No, I'm not, man. I'm falling apart.

I know that, but I was just trying to cheer you up.

- What can I do? - You've gotta deal with your grief, man.

A break-up is very much like a bereavement.

It's usually followed by a cremation and some sandwiches.

You haven't got a clue what you're on about, have you?

Mark my words, time is a great healer,

unless you've got a rash, in which case you're better off with ointment.

Look, they haven't seen each other for ages. They're only going out for a meal.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

How's this, Listy?

A little wine, a little laughter, then back to his place for coffee and a game of chess.

Before you know it, she's sandwiched between two bishops,

and the queen's exposed to an attack from the rear.

It's a tragedy!

What are you so bothered about?

I thought you hated the idea of me and her getting it together?

That was the old me, sir. I've grown and matured since then.

No, the new me wants you to have children so I can iron those itty-bitty little socks.

You're not getting any younger, sir, and neither are your sperms.

I'm getting worried about those guys.

Any older, and they'll need a Stanner stairlift to get up the Fallopian tubes!

So what do you propose?

We nail that horny stag and get you and the divine Miss K together. It's my way of saying sorry.

But nothing that's gonna endanger the appeal.

First, we sabotage the date.

- We? You mean you wanna help me? - Step onboard the Love Express, sir!

Now, we get to his quarters through the air-vents. I paid off the guards.

Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you'll leave in his quarters.

A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.

Is it? I like those.

Then there's this. "Morris Dancer Monthly".

What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!

They're mine.

Then there's these. Tragically unfashionable underpants.

They're mine.

And finally, Christian rock music.

If that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.

Have you been going through my things?

And not forgetting...

- A pair of scissors? - This is the piéce de résistance.

Frank Assisi and the Apostles. "Hymns in Rock".

(CHOIR) # Kum ba yah, my Lord! #

Digestive biscuit.

(SIZZLING)

(UNDOES ZIP)

(SNIPPING)

The love assassin. Pow, pow, pow!

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

What Mr Lister doesn't know, of course, is that he's been set up by Krytie TV.

Ssh. Here he comes now.

- Mr Lister... - Kryten, is that you?

You trashed that room because you believed Miss Kochanski was dating Tim, didn't you?

- What, you mean she isn't?

Look whose quarters you really trashed!

(LAUGHTER)

You said the girls had restored you back to normal?!

Whoops! You've been Krytered!

- I've wrecked Ackerman's quarters! - (SCREAMS) The appeal!

The surprises haven't finished yet here on Krytie TV,

because Mr Ackerman and his red-hot date are due back any second.

Sir, it's a race against time! Start cleaning that room!

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry to keep droning on about this, but what about...

- (SCREAMS) ..the appeal?! - Smeg!

Smeg!

Agh!

(CHEERING)

Thanks for watching, folks. See ya next time!

- There he is. - Kryten, come here a minute.

- I was just trying to boost the ratings, sir. - Get him, and get him back to the Tank!

- It was nothing personal! - (CHEERING)

The appeal.

Oooh...

Yes!

"Dear Mr Lister, your appeal has been successful.

"From this day, all inmates with no records of violence or depression

"will be allowed... to have strings on their guitars."

This appeal was all about guitar strings?

You didn't think it was about getting out of here, did ya?

You mean to day I've been busting my balls so you can have strings on your lousy, stinking guitar?!

You've been a brick, man.

And as a personal thank you...

..I thought I'd write you a song.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #