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- Man, this supposed to be a pick-up game
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and they ain't picked a nig up yet.
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- Fuck these marks, homey.
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I say we bust out the hoe detector and dig up
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some badass beach breezies.
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- You trying to go under the pier with me
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and go water skeeting?
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Ah! - Can I stick this hammerhead
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in your jaws?
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Ah! - Aye girl, you wanna
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hang ten on this nine?
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Ahh! - We only fuck boys
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that ain't fuck boys, fuck boy.
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Mm-hmm, girl, the one in the ski mask is cute.
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My coochie is ready for some breaking and entering.
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- I love thugs.
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It reminds me of my father.
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Well, at least that's who he said he was.
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- There you go bragging about maybe having a father again.
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- If we finna smash, we gotta impress
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these whoopties with some criminalistic activities,
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my nigs.
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Ahh!
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- Ooh, they shooting!
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- Oh, shit! Did you just see that?
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- Yeah, they just dropped a Crippy Creme.
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- Oh, shit! - On the ground, Toblerone!
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- Aye, you got the wrong ones.
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- Stop resisting.
30
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- Uh! - Ooh.
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He cute when he swelling up.
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- Yo, check this out, they thirstin' for us!
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Hey Officer, I'm resisting! I'm resisting, too!
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You must be a rookie, I can still breathe.
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both: Ah! Ah! Ah!
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- My hands ain't up. Why don't you shoot?
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- What are you crazy? This is America.
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You have rights.
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Careful, that cocoa's hot.
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Muah.
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- We changed our minds, baby. I wanna hang ten on your nine!
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- Ooh, baby. Take me water skeeting!
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- Can we fuck? - Now I see why
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Chris Brown gets in trouble all the time
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- Now I can get some throat from Rihanna,
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'cause we 'bout to be--
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- Get the right side. That's where my dimple be at.
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- Attention inmates,
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Memphis Bleek is performing in the rec room.
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I repeat, Memphis Bleek
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is performing in the rec room.
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- I ain't gonna lie, my nig, juvie is the GOAT.
53
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I see why we dominate the world in prison.
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- Yeah, we run this bitch! We really outchea.
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- Yo, they got bottomless fries,
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and all the crucial dipping sauces:
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grape, orange and purple.
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They shouldn't call this jail,
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they should call it Christmas.
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- Yo, can I get the rock? - You wanna come get some?
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- Uh!
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- Uh! Ow!
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- Uh!
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Tell me how my ass tastes.
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- We're gonna get you out of here as soon as we can, Milky.
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- Well, you always wanted to be Black. Congratulations!
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- Naw baby, I'm running this joint,
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so you ain't gots to worry about me.
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And as you can see, I'm eatin' good.
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- I bet you they ain't serving you nothing like this.
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- Mmm, a whole turkey.
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Wait a minute, is that cranberry sauce?
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- I don't know. What's today's date?
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- Aye, congrats, lil' nigga. You on your way
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to get yo ass blowed out. - Man, ignore this stereotype.
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I've been workin' the block all day to raise money
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for your freedom campaign and my documentary
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about your freedom campaign.
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I'm this close to getting your life to matter.
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- I mean, there's no rush. It's chill, look around.
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- That's it! I've been bustin' my ass
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to fight the white man who built a police state
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that encourages you to kill each other over Jordans,
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then go to a prison to make more Jordans
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for the white man, only to then release
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your no skills-having ass into the world
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like a plague of locusts to kill more brothers
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and send them to jail and keep the madness going?
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- Yo man, shut the fuck up.
90
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We tryin' to watch "Peaky Blinders" over here.
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- That's it, I'm officially done with...
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niggas!
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- Man, anyways, a word of advice,
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if you do get your ass blowed out
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and you don't tell nobody, then it ain't happen.
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- What's Gucci, Air Warden? You wanted to see us?
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- Yeah, we been here a whole two hours.
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We tryin' to see what them conjugals do.
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- Yeah, is there like a sign-up sheet
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where we can list our preferences?
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- Well the good news is,
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where you guys are going,
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you can get conjugals all you want.
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Till your jaws get sore.
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- Hell yeah! Wait, what?
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- Well, you guys have been formally charged
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with robbery and a dash of manslaughter.
108
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So, you're being transferred from groovy juvie
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to the toughest prison in Chamberlain Heights.
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Woodpecker Bay.
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- We can't go there, we ain't even got pubes yet.
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- The laws have changed, sonny.
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You remember what the first Black President,
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Bill Clinton, said: "If you're tall enough
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to ride a roller coaster, then you can go in with the adults."
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- Yo holmes, what's up with Malik?
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He's, like, three hours late and stuff.
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- Maybe the man finally caught up with him.
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- Sí, mon, but like who is this "man" anyway, fool?
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- You know, whitey, cracker, honkey, peckerwood,
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blue-eyed devil, Yakub.
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- Malik? - Nah, it's Young Lil' Leek.
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What's the bidness, my dude?
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- I have no idea what you just said.
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Speak English! - I don't speak English no mo.
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All I speak is nigga.
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- Great, now I gotta massacre another language.
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- You're scaring me, ese.
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You are acting like a real ninja and stuff.
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- Nigga, I know. It's actually liberating.
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No rules. Just ignant.
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Ignant is just below ignorant.
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Man, I finally get Katt Williams.
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- What's that, Malik? - It's that purp and Percocet.
135
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This what niggas want, so that's what we gonna give 'em.
136
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Now let's roll, I need to go record my mixtape
137
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and cook up some of that work.
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Come on JaMarcus. Lazy ass dog.
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Costing me money, don't do nothing.
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- First time I laid eyes on the Legends,
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I knew they weren't ready for the life.
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- All right, spread 'em.
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Mmm. On second thought--
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- Ahh!
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- One fat boy, one funny looking,
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big-lipped kid, and one Black cracker.
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I didn't know if they'd make it through Woodpecker Bay.
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- You a minority here, whitey.
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- Hey, were you from, holmes?
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- Reparations gonna come out your ass.
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- I'ma suck your titty.
152
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- Hey look, there's a basketball court.
153
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Maybe we can earn their respect.
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- Yeah, motherfucker!
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- Oh, yeah! Take that!
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Oh, shit!
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- Yeah, I thought he traveled, too.
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- Hey, you're O.J.! Wow, man.
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- Nah, that was the past life.
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Now I'm just The Juice.
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- Oh, they did a show on you.
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Cuba double murdered that shit.
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- Fuck that nigga, Cuba Gooding Jr.
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Wide-nosed bitch muthafucker.
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- Aye, man. I ain't mean to offend you.
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- I'm just saying, how you gonna cast a nigga to play O.J.?
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I transcend race. That's why I got off for killing my wife.
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Uh--and 'cause I was innocent, of course.
169
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But I'd definitely kill that over-acting,
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show me the money, Black motherfucking Cuba Gooding Jr.
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and then I'd write a book about it
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called "I Did Stab That Bitch, Cuba, Not My Wife."
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- So the boys got their job assignments.
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Because at Woodpecker Bay, everyone works.
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The big nose one, well he's gonna be
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making shoes with the Mexicans.
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Yep, Air Force Juans.
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Get it? 'Cause they're Mexican.
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- Aye mayate, you work like a gringo.
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You don't make your quota, ese,
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we gonna give you the Sinaloa Spit.
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- What's the Sinaloa Spit?
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- That's when Hector sticks his dick in your mouth
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and Miguel sticks his dick in your ass
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and we spin you like a pig.
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Oink, oink, ese.
187
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- Oh, that sound kinda terrible.
188
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- The fat boy, well he'll be cutting weaves with the fruits.
189
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- Well I think Caitlyn is brave for what he did.
190
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Especially at his age.
191
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- All Bruce Jenner did was put on a skirt
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and tongue kiss a dude.
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Shit, that ain't brave.
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All he doing is playing dress up.
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- Well, Caitlyn can eat my Wheaties any morning.
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- Um, are y'all just gonna talk about dicks all day?
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- Or we can talk about getting in your asshole, cutie.
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- No, no, no, I'll take the dick.
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- And in an ironic twist, the white boy ended up
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working with the Friends of Izlam.
201
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- See, Caucasoid, we are similar to The Nation,
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except we still like pork and white women.
203
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Oh yeah, and we don't give a fuck about Islam.
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All praises to All Y'all!
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all: Praise All Y'all!
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- Praise All Y'all!
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I love it here, Brother Malzone.
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All we need is some big bootie sistas
209
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and this joint'll be turnt.
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- You love the dark meat?
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Hmm. I see something in you.
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Maybe you can serve a purpose.
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Read this book cover to cover
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and watch the rest of that white devil run out of you
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faster than a white boy running out of bullets
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at a school shooting.
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- I'm home.
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- Ay, yo. Ay, yo. What's good, man?
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It's your boy Young Lil' Leek, you know what I'm sayin'?
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'Bout to let these kids know. You know what's up.
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Ay, turn me up.
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- Peace, God. - Órale, holmes.
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- Pssh, sell outs. - I've learned so much
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since entering these walls, brethren.
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- Me too, ese. I speak Spanglish now,
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I'm Catholic, and I can build an entire Ikea work station
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without instructions.
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- Jail ain't as bad as I thought.
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They ain't got dipping sauce, but they do have
230
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a delicious peanut butter and KY Jelly sammich.
231
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It goes down really easy.
232
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- Sorry to interrupt, but can I offer you
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some of my fresh baked cornbread?
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I'm part of the jail welcoming committee.
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I see y'all asses are new, so the cornbread
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is an olive branch of sorts. - I'm in!
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Hey! - What the hell are you doing?
238
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- Just trying to enjoy some fresh baked snacks.
239
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It's an olive branch. - If you eat that olive,
240
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he's gonna shove his branch right up your ass.
241
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That cornbread represents booty.
242
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If you eat that, you're gonna owe him some booty.
243
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- Shit, I woulda tickled your big, succulent
244
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hind parts all night.
245
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Damn it, Juice! - Get outta here, Baron,
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before I tell the guards you're tickling again.
247
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Come on, now, you gotta be smart in here, fellas.
248
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That cornbread almost cost you your cornhole.
249
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If the boys don't get protection soon,
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their cornholes are gonna be turned into torn holes.
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- Lil' Smurf, you got anymore stitching thread, ese?
252
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:40,600
- I'm impressed! You figured out a way to fit in.
253
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:41,833
Blood in, blood out, holmes.
254
00:10:41,833 --> 00:10:44,700
You've learned how to stand and deliver.
255
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,700
- In the name of the Father, the Son
256
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,867
and the Oakland Raiders. Amen.
257
00:10:48,867 --> 00:10:51,033
- You Catholic now, too? Nice touch, ese?
258
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,700
- Anything for mi barrio, ese.
259
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,767
- Yes! And can any of you lambs
260
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:02,233
tell me who this wonderful man was?
261
00:11:02,233 --> 00:11:05,867
- No, can you tell me why Jesus ain't the color of burnt brass?
262
00:11:05,867 --> 00:11:07,467
And if that's supposed to be Jesus,
263
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,133
why don't he have wooly hair? - What are you saying?
264
00:11:10,133 --> 00:11:12,067
- That Jesus was a nig like me.
265
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,467
Ahh! - Impossible.
266
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:14,667
- Water to wine?
267
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,300
Sounds like Black shit to me. - Yeah, makes sense.
268
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:18,133
- Yeah. - Fish fry for five-thousand?
269
00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:19,833
Black shit.
270
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:21,200
And ain't nobody seen his daddy.
271
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,600
All Black shit.
272
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:24,767
- Get this traitor out of here.
273
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,067
Guards!
274
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:29,333
- Black power! all: Black power! Black power!
275
00:11:29,333 --> 00:11:31,800
Black power! - Well, if nothing else,
276
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,067
that white boy is committed.
277
00:11:33,067 --> 00:11:35,067
Woodpecker Bay has always been a great place
278
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:35,900
to see what you're really made of.
279
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:41,200
- Mm, you got some fast hands,
280
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,567
I never even found out why you even here.
281
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:46,067
- They say me and some friends jacked a Crippy Creme.
282
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,933
- Oh, you here for a real crime.
283
00:11:47,933 --> 00:11:49,300
All I dids was buy a joint
284
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,267
within 5,000 feet of a church.
285
00:11:51,267 --> 00:11:52,433
Ten years.
286
00:11:52,433 --> 00:11:54,967
- Wow and doing all that time's turned you gay?
287
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:56,500
- Shh. I--I'm not gay, man.
288
00:11:56,500 --> 00:11:57,533
- Say what?
289
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:59,467
- It's called survival. If you don't want
290
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,633
your backside dug out, you have to act like you like dick.
291
00:12:02,633 --> 00:12:04,467
See, when you offer it up to 'em, it comes across as gay.
292
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:07,433
And nobody in here's gay. But if you act like
293
00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,267
you don't want it, it's a challenge.
294
00:12:09,267 --> 00:12:10,367
In here, consent is the enemy.
295
00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:14,100
- So if I don't wanna get penetration,
296
00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:17,200
I gotta act like I wanna get penetration?
297
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,967
- Absolutely. They stopped having sex with me
298
00:12:18,967 --> 00:12:20,067
after the third week.
299
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,600
My farts got sound again.
300
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,233
- Now who wants this dick?
301
00:12:24,233 --> 00:12:26,500
- Me! Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks!
302
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,467
- Ew, fucking slut.
303
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:31,067
- I said be gay, nigga, not Lee Daniels.
304
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:34,633
- Dos, tres, catorce, quince.
305
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:35,533
- Damn, Grove. You got buff
306
00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:38,233
since you been in here, my brother.
307
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:41,167
- Yeah my nig, your calf game is kinda sexy.
308
00:12:41,167 --> 00:12:42,533
- What? - Just go with it.
309
00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:47,067
I'm playing easy to get so that my farts can have sound.
310
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:58,433
- Brother Davis!
311
00:13:01,233 --> 00:13:04,433
Please, All Y'all, don't let this brother die.
312
00:13:04,433 --> 00:13:07,067
- Brother Milk Sayid, the time has come
313
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,367
when we need your assistance.
314
00:13:08,367 --> 00:13:09,567
- I'll do whatever you want.
315
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,967
I'm your humble servant. I'm your soldier.
316
00:13:11,967 --> 00:13:14,067
Whatever you need, I got you.
317
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,067
- I need you to kill someone.
318
00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:17,333
- Whoa. Except that.
319
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:19,333
- Milk, you must understand.
320
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:21,067
The greedy Mexicans have been selling our people
321
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:23,467
bad toilet wine.
322
00:13:23,467 --> 00:13:27,333
And you saw, the result is the death of one of our own.
323
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:29,500
What we need is retribution.
324
00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,200
So if you don't take care of Montoya,
325
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,533
the Brothers will take care of you.
326
00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:39,433
- We have a situation, ese.
327
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:42,567
I need you to prove your loyalty to the Rolling Chipotles.
328
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:45,600
- Whatever you need, holmes, I'm ready to ride.
329
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,167
- The mayates in the FOI have gotten a green light to kill me.
330
00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:51,233
- Damn, no bueno, ese.
331
00:13:51,233 --> 00:13:53,800
- No bueno indeed. That's why I need you
332
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:54,833
to go kill one of them.
333
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,200
- No disrespect, holmes,
334
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,633
but this kinda sounds like a "A" y "B" problemo.
335
00:13:58,633 --> 00:13:59,467
- Did you really think that you could
336
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:02,200
just be Mexican for free, ese?
337
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:03,733
You have to prove your loyalty.
338
00:14:03,733 --> 00:14:05,300
They shank one of us, you shank one of them
339
00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:08,067
or one of us will shank you!
340
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:16,667
- It's visiting day in your asshole.
341
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:18,867
- Oh, shut up or I'll suck your dick.
342
00:14:18,867 --> 00:14:20,067
all: Eww!
343
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,267
- Whew, being gay is hard work.
344
00:14:22,267 --> 00:14:23,867
They just won't leave a bitch alone.
345
00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:26,500
- Girl, I'ma just forget about today
346
00:14:26,500 --> 00:14:30,600
and dream about tomorrow.
347
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,133
Oh I get it, it's 'cause I'm a pretend gay.
348
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:38,133
So now I gets no conversations?
349
00:14:38,133 --> 00:14:40,433
- Naw, just got a lot on my mind, my brother.
350
00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:41,767
I have to do something I'm not prepared to do.
351
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:43,067
- Me too, ese.
352
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:45,367
I gotta kill somebody.
353
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:48,400
- Damn. We've been in jail 48 hours
354
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:49,433
and we gotta murk somebody?
355
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:51,533
- Well, if you was with the gays,
356
00:14:51,533 --> 00:14:53,433
all you'd have to murk is that sphincter.
357
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:56,267
Good night.
358
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,400
- With their asses on the line, the boys knew
359
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,100
they needed to get help from the outside.
360
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:04,267
And desperate times call for--
361
00:15:04,267 --> 00:15:06,067
- Smart move, callin' your big bro.
362
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:07,167
- Yeah, but I called Malik.
363
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:10,333
- Well you got me and let me guess,
364
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,367
you got your back blowed out and now you wanna
365
00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:14,333
marry the nigga. - Montrel, we in trouble.
366
00:15:14,333 --> 00:15:17,067
La familia wants me to kill one of the Arabs.
367
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:19,367
- And the Arabs want me to kill one of the Mexicans.
368
00:15:19,367 --> 00:15:21,567
- Oh, shit. this is where the Arabs and the Mexicans
369
00:15:21,567 --> 00:15:23,767
are fighting for power.
370
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:24,867
It always happens.
371
00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:26,967
I call it the "Maria Full of Jihad."
372
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:29,467
- Hey, is there anything you can do to help us, Montrel?
373
00:15:29,467 --> 00:15:32,367
- I already did. I got you some representation.
374
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:33,600
- Really? Who?
375
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,333
- Me, caa.
376
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,133
Aye, can a nigga have some retainers?
377
00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:39,433
- Shea Butta? No fucking way, holmes.
378
00:15:39,433 --> 00:15:41,733
- Shea knows the law better than Johnnie Cochran.
379
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,300
And you don't want some corny-ass
380
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,867
over-worked public defender anyway.
381
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:46,867
- They don't know shit, caa.
382
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,733
Aye, I been arrested thirty-five times
383
00:15:48,733 --> 00:15:50,667
and not once has your Crip been to jail.
384
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:53,633
- Maybe we should go with the handsome, young mans?
385
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,767
I got your retainer in my mouth.
386
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,167
- Aye, what the hell wrong with him?
387
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:00,833
- He's just surviving, holmes.
388
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:04,400
- Aye, Your Honor-caa,
389
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,533
the niggas that did this crime is some real ones.
390
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:08,600
Hood-ass, grimy-ass street niggas like me.
391
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,433
Over the course of the proceedings,
392
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:13,233
I will prove that these three soft-ass R&B niggas
393
00:16:13,233 --> 00:16:15,200
are not capable of the alleged crime.
394
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,433
- Okay, proceed Mr. Butta.
395
00:16:16,433 --> 00:16:19,633
- For my first witness, I call to the stand
396
00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:21,100
them big ass titties.
397
00:16:21,100 --> 00:16:21,833
Uh, I mean Mrs. Milk.
398
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:28,467
- Now Mrs. Milk, have you ever known Milton
399
00:16:28,467 --> 00:16:29,333
to get up on some bitches?
400
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:32,300
- Oh. You're cute.
401
00:16:33,633 --> 00:16:36,100
No, he never gets bitches.
402
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:38,633
- I object! I gets bitches.
403
00:16:38,633 --> 00:16:40,233
- Oh, you do not, Milton.
404
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,933
That's why I had to buy Rhiyonce.
405
00:16:42,933 --> 00:16:45,333
- And who is this Rhiyonce you're referring to?
406
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:47,333
- His girlfriend. I'm just kidding.
407
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:49,800
His blow up doll.
408
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:50,900
Oh, no bitches.
409
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:52,267
- As proof that he's a no pussy buster,
410
00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:54,967
I introduce this raggedy ass blow up doll
411
00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:55,767
as evidence for Exhibit C.
412
00:16:55,767 --> 00:16:58,200
- Milk still plays with dolls?
413
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,867
- Man, I'll explain it to you when you get a little bit older.
414
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:03,567
But for now, let's just say he bustin' a nut
415
00:17:03,567 --> 00:17:04,400
all up in that ass.
416
00:17:05,900 --> 00:17:07,433
- Aye, if you was to check the playlist
417
00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:09,500
of the true perpetrators of said crime,
418
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,267
you would most certainly find the music of Young Thug,
419
00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:15,100
OT Genasis, Gucci Mane or some other crazy,
420
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,467
dope ass, rapper.
421
00:17:16,467 --> 00:17:18,833
Now Jamal, will you please reveal to the court
422
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,733
the contents of your playlist, caa?
423
00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:22,667
- Uh, okay, I'll start from hardest to soft.
424
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:27,333
Ace of Base, Flo-Rida, Adele, and, of course, the homey Drake.
425
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:29,800
- And we all know Drake the type of nigga
426
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,633
that waves with two hands.
427
00:17:32,633 --> 00:17:33,767
Y'all like that one?
428
00:17:33,767 --> 00:17:35,667
Well check this out: Drake the type of nigga
429
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:38,133
that knows the strippers by they first names out of respect.
430
00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:41,700
Drake the type of nigga that knows how to fold fitted sheets.
431
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:43,600
Drake the type of nigga
432
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,400
that do a courtesy flush even when nobody home.
433
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,600
- All right, all right.
434
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,233
Counselor, the court understands what type of nigga Drake is.
435
00:17:50,233 --> 00:17:52,267
Proceed with the next witness.
436
00:17:53,633 --> 00:17:55,133
- I present Exhibit D.
437
00:17:55,133 --> 00:17:57,567
This footprint was found at the scene of the crime,
438
00:17:57,567 --> 00:17:59,700
next to a delicious Crippy Creme, caa.
439
00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,767
These are clearly Jordan Retro Elevens,
440
00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,733
"Space Jam" edition, which my client does not own.
441
00:18:03,733 --> 00:18:07,267
'Cause he a broke ass nigga. - Objection, Your Honor.
442
00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:09,700
The defendant is wearing Jordans.
443
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:12,067
- Yes, to the untrained sneaker head.
444
00:18:12,067 --> 00:18:14,367
And that's why I brought in an expert, caa.
445
00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:16,200
Announcer: And now,
446
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,233
from North Carolina--
447
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:23,933
his shoes are responsible for 376,000 murders
448
00:18:23,933 --> 00:18:27,667
on the South Side of Chicago, this year alone.
449
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:31,500
And the new, proud owner of three prisons,
450
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:36,200
a Harold's Chicken, and a Wing Stop
451
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,167
in the greater Chamberlain Heights area.
452
00:18:38,167 --> 00:18:44,867
Number 23, Michael Jordan!
453
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:49,700
- Michael Jordan, can you please identify this shoe?
454
00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,767
- Hey, I know the game of basketball,
455
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:52,800
but I don't know what the fuck this is.
456
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,833
I mean, you can tell by the poor stitching
457
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,800
that this is obviously the work of a child
458
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:56,967
that eats at least every other day.
459
00:18:56,967 --> 00:18:59,233
- So what you saying, Michael Jordan-caa,
460
00:18:59,233 --> 00:19:02,300
These are not the Air Jordan Retro Eleven Space Jams.
461
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,067
- Fuck no. Michael Jordan takes great pride in his brand.
462
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:07,067
You ever seen a Black genocide over a pair of damn Starburys?
463
00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:08,300
- No, I have not.
464
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,700
In conclusion, Your Honor-caa,
465
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:11,867
I believe I have proved
466
00:19:11,867 --> 00:19:13,633
beyond Jay-Z's "Reasonable Doubt,"
467
00:19:13,633 --> 00:19:15,867
that these no pussy gettin', Drake listening,
468
00:19:15,867 --> 00:19:17,900
fake sneaker wearing, soft-ass squares
469
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:19,633
are not hard enough to have committed the crime
470
00:19:19,633 --> 00:19:20,800
they are accused of.
471
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,567
Now bang that gavel, caa.
472
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:25,267
- Case dismissed. Counselor Butta,
473
00:19:25,267 --> 00:19:26,633
you were a savior today.
474
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,500
We almost committed a travesty of justice
475
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,667
and put an innocent white person behind bars.
476
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:33,100
Your defense of your clients was spectacular.
477
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:36,600
Hold on, everyone.
478
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:38,767
Counselor, please state your full name.
479
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,267
- Uh, Shea "That Real Crip" Butta.
480
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:43,167
- Your full legal name.
481
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:45,867
- Raymond Ray Rutherford. - That's a bitch-ass name!
482
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:49,267
- You're under arrest for outstanding warrants.
483
00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:50,433
We've been looking for you.
484
00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:51,667
- Shea, why would you come to court
485
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:52,733
knowing you could get caught?
486
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:53,867
- What can I say, tiny caa?
487
00:19:53,867 --> 00:19:56,933
I'm a real nigga who just loves my peoples.
488
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:57,833
Stay Black.
489
00:19:57,833 --> 00:19:59,233
- I love my peoples, too, Shea.
490
00:20:02,667 --> 00:20:03,933
- Don't forget to tell 'em
491
00:20:03,933 --> 00:20:05,567
that you like dicks!
492
00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:10,233
- Yeah, so what changed your mind, Malik?
493
00:20:10,233 --> 00:20:12,000
- I realized that our people wanna go to jail
494
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,433
because they lost hope and have given up
495
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:14,767
on the American dream.
496
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:16,800
Even rehabilitated-minded Negros often find themselves--
497
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,833
- Enough, boss! We just glad to have you back.
498
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,000
- It's good to be back. Now let's go get that paper.
499
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:25,367
- That's right, girl. We almost had to do
500
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:26,933
25-to-life in that bitch.
501
00:20:26,933 --> 00:20:28,533
But we out now. - Y'all ain't got no scars
502
00:20:28,533 --> 00:20:31,467
or tear drops? - Did you at least
503
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:33,367
rape somebody? - No.
504
00:20:33,367 --> 00:20:34,733
- Well if you didn't rape nobody,
505
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:35,900
heh, you musta gotten raped.
506
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:39,900
- You don't get raped if you want it!
507
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:41,067
- Hey, come back here! - Damn, girl!
508
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:42,667
Don't leave so quickly! - What did I say?
509
00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:43,900
I didn't mean it! - In the eyes of the state,
510
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,367
those guys are like any other
511
00:20:45,367 --> 00:20:46,867
Black kids out there, guilty.
512
00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:48,367
I'm glad it worked out for 'em.
513
00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:49,700
They don't need to spend the rest of their years
514
00:20:49,700 --> 00:20:50,867
slaving for companies that rape their people
515
00:20:50,867 --> 00:20:52,933
of the little bit of money they do have.
516
00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:54,700
I guess the moral of the story is...
517
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,800
Fuck Cuba Gooding Jr. Don't let him play you.
518
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,000
And if I ever get out, the next mini-series
519
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,233
is gonna be about me killing that motherfucker.
520
00:21:00,233 --> 00:21:03,767
Yeah, I said it.
521
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,933
And this glove is gonna fit, God damn it!
39284
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