Original subtitles

- Back to "American Negro Warrior."

When we last left, Tequan Jackson was stopped

and frisked, tased four times, and hit with batons.

Question now is, will Tequan make it back

to the basketball court for a highly contested

game of 21?

- I don't think Tequan gonna make it.

- Tequan is a real ass G.

He trained in Ferguson. - I meant make it in life.

- Hello brothers,

and I mean that in the literal sense,

As you are both brothers in the light of the Most High

and from the seed of my loins.

- Thanks bruh, but we don't want no bean pies

or Final Calls, my nig.

What the fuck? - Oh, good, it still works.

Although I am a member in good standing

of the Fruit of Jehovah, this is not a Final Call.

This is the first of many calls

to the place I call "home."

- Malik, what is this dude talking about?

You know I don't speak Farrakhonics.

- From his calm demeanor, strong disposition,

and sparkling white teeth,

I'd say he's dropping knowledge.

He's a righteous black man who knows his place

in this wicked society.

We should honor his presence. - Yes!

From the lips of babes comes the truth in its purest form.

- Man, who the fuck is at the front door,

using all those syllables and fucking up my high?

Oh, shit, you?

Man, what you even doing here?

- You know this dude? - Man, know him?

We used to swim in this nigga's nut sacks, remember?

This is Marvin.

Our daddy.

- So Dad, how did you end up in prison?

- You guys are old enough to know the truth.

This is a wicked, racist world we live in.

Your poor father fell victim to "the man."

There I was, on a righteous journey

to the Piggly Wiggly to fetch sustenance for you two,

and diapers for Michael.

Whoo!

Goddamn!

- What are you looking at? - What you looking at?

Mind your business.

- Uh, you're gonna pay us, right?

- Not for a half done job. You have to complete it.

- Well, I'm almost done, so...

- Oh, shit, the cops!

Quick, put this dope in your purse.

- Fuck that!

Good evening, Officer.

How may I help thee?

They locked me up for seven long years.

I prayed and prayed that Montrel, Grover,

and you, Malachi, would be okay.

- Man, nigga, fuck all that ying yang.

What you even doing here? You want some money?

'Cause if you do, you can kick rocks.

But not in them Pro-Keds though,

'cause them joints is nice!

- Calm that nostril flare, son, and just know that

when I use the term "lost," I mean it

in the spiritual sense, not the physical.

- Well, I say this in the physical sense--

you can lose this dick in your mouth.

- Hold on, Montrel.

Let's hear our father out.

- That ain't my pappy.

That's y'all's daddy.

- I'm your father, nigga, damn!

I'm sorry, I lost my temper.

That was the old me.

I've sworn off white drugs,

white meat, and white women.

I'm a new man now,

Marvin Chaka Khan Khaled.

So I must now ask,

do I get another chance with you guys?

- Did Biggie give a nigga one more chance?

Hell naw. - I agree with Montrel.

You can't just come in here, feed us some bullshit,

and expect us to believe you.

Who you think you is, the President?

- Didn't you guys hear him? He didn't just leave.

He was a pawn in the white man's war against the original man.

Show some respect. He gave us life.

- Thank you, son.

Now where's my room, Marmaduke?

- Yo, check this new app I found called Tugfinder.

Peep game.

- These looks like Korean spas.

- That's what they want you to think, but trust me,

they be beatin' nines in the back.

Let's go tomorrow after practice.

- I can't, my dad said I got to get home

to do my chores and homework.

- Man, forget that clown.

Everybody know illegitimate bastard kids is the GOAT.

Allen Iverson, T.O., Jordan on his last three rings.

- Yeah, but kids with both parents win championships,

like Steph Curry, Klay Thompson,

and Jordan on his first three rings.

Black dads are an endangered species.

Don't throw one away, my nig. - Maybe you're right, Jamal.

Plus, it would be nice to have a real dad instead of my iDad.

- Have a good day at school, son.

And remember, iDad loves you, Grover.

- And this is where all the magic happens.

And by "magic," I mean making white people's money disappear.

- Oh, that's yo daddy?

He look like Malcolm X in Pro-Keds.

They nice, though.

- That bow tie is pretty spiffy, though.

I thought only fancy gay men wore bow ties.

Is your daddy fancy, Malik?

- I am heterosexual through and through,

my Asian and Latino impish devils.

Malik, you're not in school, son?

- Like I said, why would I be a part of the oppressor's

educational system and learn his-story instead of our-story?

Naw, man. I'd rather get my paper.

- That's my son!

Poison them devils!

- Hey, you got that work?

- You want to take this one, Dad?

- Sell drugs and watch the white devils mire in addiction?

It would be my honor.

Give me them drugs.

What's your pleasure, peckerwood?

- That's my dad.

- Back to "American Negro Warrior."

- I got it!

- Oh no, no, no, we're not gonna

spend the afternoon on our asses.

- Man, what's your daddy talking about?

- There are going to be some changes around here.

You both are going to clean the kitchen.

- I ain't cleaning shit.

And what you 'bout to do with that?

- Beat the breaks off you!

- Oh, shit, he ain't playing.

- Man, this some bullshit.

- Man, this is hard work.

But in a weird way, I kind of like it.

Mama always working, so it's good to have

a responsible man in the house besides Malik

to teach us how to be men.

- Fuck that responsible motherfucker.

When he go to sleep,

I'm fucking him up.

- You missed a spot.

You better not let Daddy see.

- Man, ain't nobody scared of your daddy.

Over here, doing all this stuff.

Man, act like a maid.

- Annyeong! - This the spot.

The app say to ask for "Feng Shui."

Say here she got three out of four squirts.

- Hello, gentlemen.

How may I do you? - Yo, we here to see Feng Shui.

- Oh, very sorry, but Feng Shui not here now.

She come in later.

You welcome to stay and have lovely treatments

until she come here.

- They do got some decent side orders here, doe.

I could use a belly-button flush.

And they use real buttermilks.

- I am kind of tense, and Feng Shui ain't even here

yet to jerk on my hammer.

How long 'til she get here?

Not long, few minutes at most.

- I say we do this. - A'ight, den.

But she better hurry, my nine crowning.

- Air ball. You suck.

You ain't never gonna be league. - What?

- Unless you open thine ears and listen to me.

- Damn, you can teach me to shoot like that?

- I taught that sorry-ass brother of yours.

I can definitely teach you.

- Montrel sucked? - Did he!

Ugh! Get that shit out of here!

- Man, that was a foul! - Stop crying, nigga!

That wasn't a foul-- your face is part of the ball.

- Man, I quit. - You can't quit.

We had a bet-- I win, I don't have to

buy you nothing for Christmas.

Ball up! Let's go!

- Ugh!

All right, that's no Christmas.

Again.

If I can make him good, I can definitely make you league.

- Thanks.

That's what I've always wanted...

Dad. - Who?

Oh, me, right.

Yeah, don't mention it, son.

You get what you want, and I get what I want.

- You say you played ball with Marvin?

And you, you was slinging rocks with his ass?

Man, I can't believe y'all falling for this shit.

I'm telling you, y'all daddy is up to something.

- Our father, Montrel.

And maybe he just learned the error of his ways

and truly yearns for the love of his sons.

- Man, y'all weak.

I'mma go smoke this new strain called,

"Y'alls Daddy Ain't Shit."

- Maybe it ain't him that's the problem.

Maybe it's you.

- Oh, shit.

Y'all really think I want Marvin's attention?

Like I was some abandoned nigga sittin' at home,

lookin' out the window, two tears in my right eye,

one tear in the left, waiting for him

to come home from "work" with an ice cream cake

to celebrate my birthday?

Naw son, that wasn't me.

I was good.

I was good!

- Ooh, that feels good!

- You like? I do more for $7 more.

- I'll pay, I'll pay!

- Yo, this feel good and all,

but I'm wondering what's taking P.F. Chang so long.

We been here, like, two hours.

- Just chill out and enjoy the foreplay.

I'mma be so relaxed for the game tonight.

- I ain't come here to get my back relaxed.

I came to get my sack relaxed.

both: Bars!

- Oh see, yeah, that feel kinda good.

- Circle the drain, $50 more. - I'll pay.

You got my ass all out here in the open.

Ooh--oh!

Oh.

- So, Feng Shui never took care of y'all?

- Nope.

Cost me $72 and my nine is harder than poverty.

- Yeah, but they got a happy hour,

happy ending special tomorrow.

You finna join this Groupon, Gropeon, Grover?

- Naw, my dad says I should never jerk on game day.

- Like you gonna get off the bench.

- Hey, you bald asshole, put my son in the game!

- Would you shut the hell up and let me coach

the motherfucking game the way I coach,

you loud-mouth motherfucker?

- You're losing by ten, Gregg Popabitch!

- Aye, peep game.

One of them Frere Jacques niggs is about to

get into it with Coach Bundy.

- That's my dad.

- If you put Grover in the game, it might help,

you hard-headed bastard!

You know he got game, and you need somebody

who can play above the rim.

Some say he's just like Mike.

White men can't jump, but Grover can.

Where is your Celtic pride?

- Are you done, motherfucker?

"Hoosiers," "Space Jam," "Cornbread, Earl and Me."

Now I'm done.

Oh, and "The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh."

- Damn, G! Your pops is for real.

He got room for another black kid like me?

- We don't take walk-ons.

You got to get drafted by your own father.

- Okay, you really want to see how bad yo son sucks?

All right Grover, get yo ass in the game so I can show yo daddy

why I never put yo ass in the game.

both: What?

- Man, what the fuck?

- Now that's what I'm talking about!

- Yeah! - Yeah, my nig!

Ah!

- Aye, I'mma go ahead and say it,

I think yo daddy is proud of your brother

and only your brother.

How you feel about that, cuh?

- Man, eat a dick. - Aye, don't get mad at me.

My dad here to support me, cuh.

- It's been real nice catching up with you, son.

- Well, at least we're making up for lost time now.

- Exactly.

I'm glad you feel that way, son.

'Cause I really think we sh--

Goddamn!

Look at that white girl with all that ass!

Uh, oh, I'm sorry.

I think we could truly make up for lost time

if you lived closer to me.

- Like move in with you?

- A boy your age needs his father in his life.

Why don't you think about it while buying the new Shackles?

They got the new Kintes.

Hey, baby. It won't be long now.

I took him out for some ice cream,

and when he comes to live with us, we'll be set.

Oh, that was nice.

Boy, you looked like that Iguodala player

for Golden State.

Next time, what you gonna do, son?

- I'm gonna dunk! - That's my boy.

- Man, this shit is all wrong.

- What you mean, Montrel? - I mean him.

- Grover, you go on and go to bed.

- Okay, Dad.

Are you gonna come tuck me in?

- Tuck you in? Where they do that at?

- My bad, got a little carried away.

Please don't leave me again.

- What's wrong with your bitch ass now?

You can't be happy for your little brother?

- Oh, I'm happy for him.

I just want to know...

how come you don't want me, man?

- Oh, hell.

- Did you ever stop to think of what I might've become

if I had my daddy in my life?

- Probably wouldn't be a bitch ass momma's boy.

- Man, hold up, nigga, stop laughing at me.

Can't you see I'm in pain?

- What you just call me?

Take yo ass outside and get me a switch.

- Nigga, for what?

- You think I'm just gonna stand here and let you call me

an n-word while you crying with snot and shit

running out of your nose?

Go and get me a switch now and it better not

be a little one, neither.

Ain't gonna make me a-- this sorry ass, bitch made...

Daddy!

- You all right?

- Didn't you see Marvin whoop my ass?

Hell naw, I'm not alright.

- Real talk, you deserved it.

He just wants the best for us.

- Well, he should want me, then.

I am the best.

Better than you sorry bastards.

- Stop being a hater and face the facts.

He's our daddy, and he's gonna be around,

so you better get used to it.

- Man, I ain't got to get used to shit.

Once Shea remember where he left his gun,

we gonna run his bitch ass up out of here.

You ain't never gonna see him again.

- You got to get through me to get to dad.

- Man, first of all, I will fuck you up.

- I guess you got to fuck me up then.

- Man, after everything I've done for you, you choose him?

That's cool, you can choose him all you want.

He ain't living here.

- Fine, neither am I.

- Man, where the hell you think you goin'?

- To live with Dad at his other house.

I'm out of here.

- Aye, cuh, found my gun.

Oh shit, this ain't mine.

This my momma's. I'll be back.

- Aye, what's up, cuh?

You can't come out and play?

- Man, I'm on punishment.

Marvin said I gots to stay in my room

"until otherwise notified."

Ain't that some shit?

- Damn, you got it bad like Usher, cuh.

- Man, I can't let shit go down like this.

Marvin is up to some shit.

- Montrel! Ain't no toilet paper!

Get me some napkins and my phone!

There's a civil unrest in my colon.

I'm gonna be here for a minute.

- What the fuck?

- Oh, okay, den.

- These fish better not have no dicks, or this might be gay.

- Well, if it feel this good nibbling on my toes...

- Way ahead of you, my nig.

If this shit is gay, you can call me Frank Ocean.

- This shit's nice.

Dick eating fish is the GOAT.

- Oh shit, one's getting frisky.

Aye, no means no, little fish.

Easy with them teeth.

Ah, I think they're trying to swim up stream, my nig.

He's in there!

He's in there.

He's swimming around in my bladder!

Suck it out, Milk!

Milk! Milk, suck it out!

- Man, I knew it!

This dude still around here, fucking around

with these white bitches, Shea.

- Aye, me too, cuh. Let me see.

Oh shit, she got a ring on her finger...

and her areolas.

I'm finna send her a dick pic, cuh.

Oh, shit. They got a family too, cuh.

- Oh word, let me see.

- Why he want to ruin all this shit

by bringing Grover in there?

- Man, I don't know, but I'm about to find out.

- Damn boy, you scared the shit out of me.

Thank you.

- What the fuck is up with this white bitch

and these little high yellow half breeds?

This yo family, ain't it?

- They're beautiful ain't they,

you nosey motherfucker?

Now give me the toilet paper. - Aye, aye, not so fast.

You tell me what you're up to,

and then I'll let you wipe your ass.

- Okay, stop fucking around.

Give me the tissue, and wet it.

My ass is really starting to itch.

- Oh, for real?

You gonna have one itchy ass

if you don't tell me what you up to.

- Stop playin' son, and give me the goddamn tissue.

- Either you come clean, or you leave shitty.

You know you get hemorrhoids that way, right?

- All right fine, here's the deal.

This fancy private school for white kids

needs a black kid for the brochures.

They had an enrollment special, bring a black kid,

siblings get in free.

Grover's black.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

My ass is on fire.

Give me the goddamn toilet paper nigga, damn!

- Aye, man, you ain't changed.

Man, you don't give a shit about Grover.

And he ain't movin' in with you.

I'm not gonna let you hurt them like you hurt me.

- Well, tell Grover and Metamucil the truth.

I'll leave and you'll break their hearts.

- Or we can play for Grover.

One-on-one, me and you.

You win, you can have Grover,

I win, you never come back here again.

- You, beat me?

I must've spanked you too hard, you got brain damage.

- Yeah, we'll see.

Bring ya ass. And wipe it first.

Nigga.

- I been here all day yesterday and today

and my baby sack is still full.

- I actually am very relaxed, but it would be nice

to go home a squirt load lighter.

- That said, where in the fuck is Feng Shui?

- I here, gentlemen.

I ready to tug out all your stress, your pain, your ills,

until you reach the heights of pleasure.

- That's what I'm talking about!

- All right, let's get started.

- My God, she's about to do it, my nig.

It's about to happen.

- Stay calm, my dude.

- Thank you.

- Come back here! You spray, you pay!

And come get this fish.

- Oh, you finally showed up.

I should've whooped yo ass for making mine itch.

- Man, shut up, bitch, and let's play.

- Ain't no bitch in me.

Check ball, bastard.

- Aye, wait a second. I got a daddy.

- Not after this game, you won't.

Firs to 11 wins.

You still ain't shit, boy.

That's one. - Man, yo ball.

- Last time you gonna touch it, nigga.

- Just like old times, huh?

I got the ball and you still ain't gonna get no Christmas.

Where's the D?

- You'd do anything for your white kids,

well, I'll do anything for your black kids.

Give me that!

- Goddamn!

All right, okay, all right, I see you.

Sizing me up, huh?

But know this, whether you make this shot

or not, I'm you, son.

And you're me.

- Aye, you ain't my daddy.

Ah!

Game, nigga!

Aye, and this year, there will be a Christmas.

- What you gonna tell Grover and Montezuma?

- Oh, I'll think of something.

And his name is Malik,

and he's my real father.

- That's kind of fucked up, but all right.

- I'm telling you, Grover, the rub and tug was no joke.

Yeah, uh, you know her carpal tunnel started acting up so,

um, she started using her feet.

And then she gave me the Draymond Green.

- What's the Draymond Green?

- Uh, that's when she lay on her back,

and she, uh, punch and kick you in the dick until you shoot.

- That sounds flagrant.

I don't know about the Draymond,

but I'm down for that foot action.

Let's go tomorrow.

- Uh, can't go back in there ever again.

Nope. - Why?

- They had a tuggin' out of business sale.

They liquidated the whole nine.

- You should've came, Grover.

Like we did. - Yup.

- Oh, that's cool.

I guess I'll tell you now.

I'm about to move in with my dad.

- Aye, you ain't goin' nowhere.

I killed yo daddy. - What?

- Uh, uh, uh...

I mean--I mean, uh, he killed that interview

for this job he got.

Yeah, it's a job coaching

the Coney Island White Fish in Iraq.

- I've never heard of them.

- They an expansion team in the Middle East.

Mission finally accomplished.

- Wait a minute,

he just left us without saying good-bye?

- Well, he did leave you this.

Christmas came early.

He said for you to buy whatever you want.

But he in the Middle East, so they may cut it off soon.

You might want to use it in the next few hours.

- You got to admit, Montrel.

You were wrong. Our dad's the GOAT.

- Yeah, your father's a'ight.

Why it smell like fish?

- Uh, we should get out of here.

- So he bounced again, huh? - How'd you know?

- Because there ain't no Coney Island in the Middle East.

- It's in the middle of the East Coast, doe.

- I know it hurts, son.

Tell you what, how 'bout I take you out for some ice cream?

- Oh, with sprinkles?

- Did you clean your room, Montrel?

- Aw man, shit.