Original subtitles

- Okay, everybody, Dave will be here any moment.

Any of you underage kids need a drink to loosen up?

I'll go first!

- Damn, Milk, a surprise party

for Mark-Ass Uncle Joey?

This just confirms how white you really is.

- And da buffet whack too.

Sad to say, but ya moms a Double D-Lister in the kitchen.

But good thing y'all stay with da Cock Sauce.

- Man, how come y'all always raggin' on me?

- 'Cause you always forcing us to go to shit

we don't wanna go to. - And you're white.

- No I isn't. - A'ight, Milk,

if you part black, then prove it.

Take this Cock Sauce to the dome.

- Ain't no thang but some Burger Kang.

- I should probably film this, you know,

for your "30 for 30."

- Everybody, he's here! He's here!

all: Surprise!

Milton!

I've got Cock Sauce in my eyes!

It burns! I am gonna kill you, Milton!

- Got you motherfucker.

- What?

- Calm down, Dave, it's your birthday.

- Exactly! You should be the one

covered in Cock Sauce, not me.

- It was an accident.

- Accident my ass.

The problem is he doesn't respect me.

He still calls me Uncle Joey.

My name is Dave!

- Shut the fuck up, Uncle Joey!

- You see what I'm talking about?

I can't take this anymore.

- You know what? You're right.

I've tried, but you two just can't get along.

- Maybe we should just end this.

Divorce?!

- Hell jeah! Finally!

- I can fix this, Hunny Buns.

I got my camping trip with my buddies coming up.

I'll take Milton with me

and we'll do some father-son bonding.

- Fine, Dave. Sounds great.

And if it doesn't work out...

Deuces.

- We still going to Hoechella this weekend?

- Yup, I already got the Jamallies on deck.

I finally got the recipe right.

- I can't go, my nigs. Aah!

My moms making me go camping with Uncle Joey

old bitch-ass, mark-ass.

- Camping? Just tell that nig you going with us instead.

- Can't. My mom said we gonna divorce him

if we don't work out our issues.

So you already know what I'm about to do.

Fuck...shit...up.

How about that? - Have fun with that.

Ain't no way we gonna pass up these flower crowns

with daddy issues. - Nice try, buster.

Without me paying, how y'all getting into Hoechella?

- Damn, my nigs.

Nature is boringer than a motherfucker.

- This why our people only camp out

for some old, new Jordans.

- Well, boys, this'll be a good weekend.

Roasting marshmallows,

telling stories over the campfire,

a little cosplay.

- Shut yo ass up, Uncle Joey.

I ain't with all that Bill-cosplay, homey.

I'm keeping my cheeks intact.

- What the hell is cosplay?

Da fu--

- Now this is cosplay. Suit up, my homeboys.

- Doctor, his blood pressure's dropping faster

than our ratings. - Well, mine's rising

and I'ma kill your bitch ass if this man dies.

That's just my creative juices

flowing, Cookie mane. Gon' take a little more

than diabetes, sickle-cell, and Trump to stop

old Lucious Lyon and his music.

- Aye, this "Empire" shit relatable, ca.

- We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming

to bring you this nonsense from City Hall.

- I'm here today to address the latest Chamberlain Heights

Police shooting of an allegedly unarmed black man.

- Get your hands up!

He's resisting!

- According to reports from the arresting officers,

it was dark and the man appeared to be reaching

for a shiny object with his shoulders.

The officers will be placed on fully-paid,

administrative leave.

- Damn, sounds more like a paid vacation to me.

- That's what's up. Imagine if on every job

you shot a motherfucker, they paid you to stay home.

Shit, I'd go back to teaching pre-school.

- Aye, yo, you might be onto something.

Shit, maybe I'll become a cop.

- A pig? You? - Yup.

All I gots to do is shoot a nigga

and then book me a nice-ass paycation.

- Aye, caa, you lie down with pigs,

you wake up bacon.

Shit, I wake up bakin' every day.

- This some fucked up shit.

How y'all gonna have a costume party with no breezys?

- WE could call a few dimes and have our own

Hoechella right here. - I can call Medina.

- I said dime, not Olympic medals.

- Holy shit, Dave.

I see you brought some color to the proceedings.

- Come on, guys, they're Milton's friends.

I'm just trying to keep Hunny satisfied.

Happy wife, happy life.

- Well, they're certainly gonna add some authenticity.

- And we're not even paying them?

Very period appropriate.

Hate off to the master. See what I did there?

- Good news, you passed the exam.

Bad news, you failed the drug test.

- Oh, word.

I guess it's back to funemployment then.

- Hold on now. Luckily for you,

we're desperate to increase diversity

and add a little color to the force

to make the community feel safer.

- That's real talk, though.

- So tell me, son, why do you wanna be

one of Chamberlain Heights' finest?

- I wanna shoot a nigga. - Bingo! You're hired!

Here's your gun, here's your badge,

here's your mustache.

Now go make America great again.

- I'ma get you, boy.

- Yo, this shit suck like some socially conscious rap.

- Yeah, if you want my money, you best mumble some shit.

I ain't mad at the buffet, though.

This swine is fine and divine.

- Like Amber Rose behind. both: Bars.

Yo, check it.

I never heard of this game "Runaway,"

but I'm making a grip of reparations.

- God damn it, Grover, you won again.

You'd have fetched top-dollar back in the day.

- Okay, mount up.

The reenactment of the Battle of Funkstown is commencing.

- Whoa. - What the fuck?

- Why you hoisting that racist rag, Uncle Joey?

I thought they outlawed that shit.

- Don't be ridiculous. It's not racist.

During the Civil War, it represented the South's fight

for freedom from Northern oppression.

This flag's about pride, not prejudice.

- You mean like pride in owning slaves?

- Say word? That's why they fought the Civil War?

- Well, what did you guys think it was about?

- What all fights are about:

somebody was talking shit on Twitter.

- Look, it doesn't matter

because this is the flag they flew

and everything needs to be 100% authentic.

Come on, let's take the General Lee Trevino.

- I don't know about y'all, but I ain't finna just

stand here and let Uncle Joey celebrate his "prejudicismses."

- We need to teach these racists bastards a lesson.

- What y'all trying to do? - Let's fuck some shit up

so I can get Uncle Joey's bitch ass outta my life

and get a real dad, like Birdman.

both:

- Milton! - Get those niggers.

- Thanks for noticing. Appreciate you.

- Come on, guys, come back here. - Holy shit.

- Aw, shit and stuff. Here come uno time.

- Good afternoon, Officer.

Would you care to purchase a chocolate bar?

Everybody knows the only bars

your slangin' out here in Xanax.

Now spread 'em. - Come on, Officer,

I mean, maybe we can work something out.

- Hmm. Be a good lad and polish my tallywhacker?

- Is that English? - It means

suck my dick, nigga, damn.

- 'Trel?!

I'm just fucking with you, lil' bro.

That'd be incest and gay.

- Hey! Why your brother dressed like 5-0?

- Man, I ain't dressed like nothing, Broke Chigga.

I am a cop.

- Montrel, you cannot just wake up at 3:00 in the afternoon

and decide to be a police officer.

- That's why I woke up at 2:15.

Now gimme my allowance

so I can get some donuts nigga, damn.

What it do, my piggas?

- Today's training day, Officer Cummings.

- Actually, it's more like training afternoon.

- Yeah, we had to plant some drugs on minorities

and the morning kind of got away from us.

Anyway, get in, Cummings.

- That's it! I can't...run no more!

This is stupid, my nigs.

- Stupid is gettin' lynched by a bunch of cock-federates.

- It's all just pretend. Can't we just, like,

tell them we don't wanna play no more?

- Whatcha gon' say? "Sorry, we was just fuckin'

with y'all when we burned down y'all camp"?

- So what should we do?

- Keep running, Toby.

- You know, there is a back seat, Cummings.

- Man, ain't no real one gonna voluntarily

get in the back of a cop car. - Totally understandable.

Well, today we'll show you around,

give you a taste of the business.

- Starting with a little taste of this.

Your first lesson.

- Oh, okay. I feel you. I feel what you talkin' about.

If I go deep undercover, my failure to use drugs

could get me killed by a street dealer.

- No. What?

No, it makes the day go by a shit ton faster.

- Oh, word?

- Maybe we should just split up.

That's what they do in the movies.

They ain't after all of us.

- No, we all brothers in this.

That's what this war about. No man left behind.

Damn.

See how y'all do me dirty?

- On the streets, you control your smiles and cries

because that's all you have and nobody can take your smiles.

Nobody can take...

Oh!

- Oh, crap, man, it's the fuzz.

We gotta hide this shit].

- Nigga, where they at? Oh, wait...

We is the fuzz.

Hey, yo, yo, yo, yo check this out.

It's a 211 in progress. - Already on it.

- Hey, what you doing? - Didn't you notice their guns?

Lesson two: hit the gas and save your ass.

- Gets me ever time.

Guy's in real pain right now.

- You know, I really thought they'd follow Milk.

- Me, too. They was mad at him, not us.

I don't think I can run anymore, my nig.

- Don't worry.

- We ain't got no choice. We gots to jump.

- Hell, nah, you know I can't swims.

- You already know I have

abnormally oxygenated blood cells,

so I'm buoyant as a motherfucker.

Just hang onto me when we hit the water.

- What are you guys waiting for? - Us? You go.

This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't brought

"unapproved guests."

We don't have time to stand here bickering.

We need to find Milton so that I can save my marriage.

- Yo, why Uncle Joey always so angry

when he got Hunny's scrumptious tittay

waitin' for him at home? - Milk says because

below the waist, he workin' with a raw tater tot.

- I never understood why white guys

are always talking about dicks.

- For the same reason we discovered America!

We're curious! You're in so much fake trouble

for messing up our fake war. So where's Milton?

- We split up. - We need to find my stepson.

He's all alone in the woods. What if he's lost?

What if he's hurt? - But I thought you hated

that son of a bitch. - I do,

but I know he's alone in the woods.

As much as I want to kill him,

I don't want anything to happen to him.

Hunny will never forgive me and she'll divorce me for sure.

Now let's go find that wigger.

- Ah, shit. Mark-ass tree.

Who's there? Uncle Joey?

I mean, bitch-ass Uncle Joey?

Come out and fight. I ain't afraid.

I got mad squabbles and if you a pedophile...

I got mad herpes

and my AIDS angry, too, homey.

- What's up, bitch-ass squirrel?

You want some? I'm the man up in this bitch.

Who the fuck you think you fucking with?

I run shit around here.

You just live here. Yeah, that's right.

You better run away.

King Kong ain't got shit on me.

Oh, shit! Ugh.

Aah, Uncle Joey, help me!

Oh, Black Jesus, please no!

Ugh.

Oh, you ain't so bad. For a minute I thought

you was finna...

- Here, give this to one of your kids...

that you know about and acknowledge...

and take a fatherly role in their life.

- Cool. Cool. It's been a fun day,

but when do I get to shoot a nigga?

You know, get a taste of that paid leave.

- You believe this guy? I didn't get my first

paycation for three weeks. - It was four for me.

And I'm an early bloomer. Had a hairy dick at nine.

- This generation. Everything has to happen

right now for you millennials.

Okay, you want to shoot someone, you got it.

- Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.

- All right, we need to go

where there are a lot of black people.

We got enough gas in here to get to Detroit?

- No, but we do have enough

to get to the Magic Johnson Theater.

- I can't believe this shit.

Mark-ass bear. It's so not fair. Bars!

Motherfucker.

- This time, we finish it.

- Guys, this is seriously messed up.

How is this supposed to be fun?

- You guys pretending to be Confederates isn't about pride.

You're just some born losers.

- I wasn't gonna let my regiment do anything

to you two before, but now all bets are off.

- Hey, Dave, you gotta come look at this.

- Well, I'll be damned.

Is this a 9/11 reenactment?

- Sure looks that way.

- Destroy our country? Not on my watch.

This time, we go to fake war for real.

- War? - Was somebody talking shit

on Twitter? - It's time for you Niagras

to fight for your freedom.

- Fight for our freedom? Why does this keep happening?

- God, I hates America.

- Come on, guys, let's roll.

What is wrong with you people?

9/11 was a heinous act

and recreating it is not only offensive,

it is also dumb and un-American.

- "Dumb and un-American," huh?

Sounds pretty hypocritical from a guy

wearing a Confederate Flag on his uniform.

- Got 'em! - Hey!

If you've got something against America,

I'll send you back to whatever Middle Eastern compound

you "Muslames" hide in, okay?

- "Middle Eastern compound"? I'm from Laguna Beach.

- Get out of here! I'm from Newport!

- No kidding? East or west?

- Well, shit. You caught me.

I live in Anaheim. - Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Go Halos! - You're American?!

That's even worse.

You're not terrorists, you're traitors.

How could you celebrate your own country's ass whooping?

- Apparently, the same way you guys do.

This ass whoopin' brought us together and made us stronger.

- It's insensitive! - Last I checked,

this was still a free country.

- Oh, yeah? Well, fuck your freedom!

- Aah! - Oh, shit.

Uncle Joey American Gansta.

- Yee-haw!

- What're you gonna do with that?

This is a reenactment, stupid.

- Reenactment?

- Man, the Confederates are getting their asses kicked.

- No wonder the South lost, they suck.

- Yeah, they the Hillary Clintons

of the battlefield.

- On your knees, infidels.

- Y'all gonna have to cut my head off

if you want me to suck some dick.

- Mmm, okay.

Yeah, take that, buster, you like that?

Yeah, you want some, too, homey?

- Yeah.

- Milton, are you okay? What happened to you?

- I was "Revenated." I'm good, though.

It's not about who touches you inappropriately,

it's what you do after. - What?!

- Uh, uh...didn't nobody's cheeks without consent.

- Noo!

- Whoa!

Pull it out! Pull it out! Pull it out!

That wasn't so bad.

- Oh, man, that's nasty shit!

- One of you busters do something!

Uncle Joey finna bleed to death outta his bitch-ass!

- Whoa! Wait a minute!

- Don't worry, Uncle Joey, I got you.

That'll slow the bleeding till we get back to camp.

- Damn, Milk. I gotta admit,

what you just did was pretty league,

but why you walkin' so funny? - Uh...

- I can't believe Magic Johnson theaters went tits up.

Shit, we just missed last call

at Compton Leroy's too.

Sorry, Cummings, looks like it just ain't your night.

- Bingo! Looks like it was your night after all.

- Freeze, nigga!

Shea? - Aye, caa,

you look cold in blue. - Drop the weapon!

- Aye, can a nigga eat his mint chips?

- Stop resisting. - Be careful.

This one has both of his arms.

- He's reaching for something. - Go for it, Cummings!

- Man, he ain't nobody.

- I am somebody, caa.

- Hey, shut up. If you wanna go get some niggas,

I know where we can find a pack of them motherfuckers.

- Come on! Bust your chocolate covered cherry!

- Oh, I see. I knew it was gonna happen

some day, caa. Might as well be you, 'Trel.

Just make sure you keep me hashtaggin'.

Crip lives matter, call.

- No, they don't, blood. And I think I speak for all cops

everywhere when I say su-wu.

- Coming at you, 'Pac.

- You said you wanted to shoot a nigga,

who'd a thought it'd be you?

- Aye, I had to do it. I couldn't shoot my homey.

You like my family. - Damn, caa, that's deep.

Aye, I gotta tell you somethin', you know that bad one

you had from Diamond Bar? I fucked her, caa.

I'm a bad friend. - Man, you did what?!

- Ah, caa.

My Crippin' leg! - That's for fucking my bad one

from Diamond Bar, nigga.

Don't never do that shit again.

- Fair enough, caa.

Aye, can a nigga have some Obamacares?

- Damn, my nig, being a slave is hard work.

I don't know how our ancestors did it for 12 years.

- Well, I'm glad you guys got along.

- Yeah, I guess your husband is all right

for a mark-ass buster.

I'm so happy. And you know what I like to do

when I'm happy?

- Oh! Uh, yeah, about that.

Uh, I don't think I can do that for me for about six weeks.

I'll explain when I get home. Love ya, Hunny Bunny.

So, Milton, how you doing? - I ain't get assaulted!

- What? I wasn't--I--

All right, anyway, I'm glad you're okay.

- Even though you're a mark-ass buster,

I still love your money. Thanks for having my back.

- That's what fathers do. We protect the ones we love.

And their kids. - Whoa, pump them brakes,

bitch-ass Dave. No one said you was my daddy.

Yo, why you smiling?

- You called me Dave.

- No, I didn't. - Yes, you did.

- How cute. Someone loves their stepdad.

- Shut up, buster.

- Aww, look who's got a father in his life.

- Man, y'all take it back. I already killed once today.

- Your mom's gonna be so happy.

I can't wait to get home so we can be a "Full House" again.

Come here. Give me a big, ol' bear hug, son.

- No means no! No means no!

Man, quit playing, Uncle Joey! You ain't my daddy.

I done told you that man.