Original subtitles

- It's that time of year, love birds.

The annual Shirley Chisholm Dance is coming.

Remember, boys are not permitted to say no

if asked to the dance. Happy hunting, beezys.

- This some ol' bullshit.

When are men gonna get their way in this country?

- This what women been fighting for--

the right to choose.

And since Randy's out of town,

Cindy's got no choice but to ask me.

That's why I wore my Michael Jordan cologne.

Man, that shit stink.

That's why that nig's always crying on the internet.

Ah! - Now that women can choose,

it's gonna be like the NBA Draft,

and you know I'ma be a thottery pick.

- Jamal!

- Oh, shit. - And it looks like

you're about to be drafted by the Memphis Grizzlies.

- I'm taking yo thick ass

to the Shirley Chisholm Dance, motherfucker.

- Who the fuck is Shirley Chisholm anyway?

And why does this porn star get her own dance?

- She did the first interracial blowjob.

She was the Jackie Robinson of porn.

- Okay, first off, y'all are stupid.

Shirley Chisholm was Secretary of the House Democratic Caucus,

a member of both the House of Representatives

and the New York State Assembly.

She also ran for President.

- Wow, she ran for President and sucked dick for a living?

Talk about a modern woman. - Anyway, Grover,

I was gonna go with Randy, but he's wild and out

at the Nick Cannon Comedy Conference in Delaware.

And since I don't like any of the other guys in school,

I was wondering if you weren't busy Saturday night,

if you'd like to...

- Go to the dance with me? - Huh?

- Oh, hell nah.

This must be what Biggie felt like,

'cause I'm ready to die.

I can't go to the dance with no crackhead.

- Look on the bright side. Crack creates legends,

like DMX, Lawrence Taylor, and Marion Barry.

- Shit, Cracky might win a Grammy,

or she might become the next Mayor of D.C.

- Well, unless she gonna turn into

Whitney Houston by Saturday, I'm fucked.

- I don't wanna go to the dance with you.

- Your body, my choice.

- I wish one of these chicks would come out

and try to body me.

To hell with a Shirley Chisholm Dance.

- Uh, Milk... - Oh, hell no.

- But-- - No, before you even ask...

ain't no way I'm going to the dance

with a dickless version of Jamal.

Now take both of your chocolate boxes, and kick rocks.

- This wigger!

- I'm telling you,

it's this whole Shirley Chisholm Dance thing.

The fact that they get to choose empowers them.

It's like bears coming out of hibernation,

and we ain't nothing but some salmon, my nigs.

- Aye, Griselda, what it smell like?

- Shit, smell good.

What them stank balls do?

- Oh, word, I ain't know you was coming like that.

You single? - Not no more.

I'm choosing you to go to the dance with me.

Now gimme that tongue, nigga.

Walk me to class. - Okay, then.

- I thought you said you wasn't gonna let no chick claim you.

- You see that ass, though, my nig?

- Don't you slap my man.

I love this bitch.

- Man, if Milk snagged Griselda,

I know I'm 'bout to be in there, pimp.

Peep game.

You wanna wet dicks and chill? Ah!

Trying to Hulu and chili? Ah!

You trying to disappoint your daddy?

Ah!

Aye, baby, how 'bout you and I, uh--

You are fucking hilarious.

- Damn, I would've fucked her too.

- Jamal!

- Aye, your girl's bellowing. Stop fighting it, Jamal.

You know you going with big drawls.

- Never that!

Don't tell anyone I'm in here.

- Just a reminder, guys,

the Shirley Chisholm Dance is just three days away.

There are still some available suitors left,

like Jank Eye Jarvis and Jamal.

- Uh, at least I'm going.

- Keep the change. - What up, Cindy?

You find anyone to go to the dance with?

- Not yet. Still deciding.

I have a lot of options.

I got two terabytes of dick pics to sift through.

Oh, great, here's another one.

No, wait, it's just a picture of an uncircumcised pepperoni.

- Be right back. I need more light.

- Too bad you going with Cracky.

It would've been much easier going with you.

We could've had fun.

- So if, uh, Cracky doesn't go to the dance,

does that mean you'll go with me?

- We'll never know, will we?

See you later, new booty.

- Looks like I'm the only one

that's gonna go to the dance and get some.

But don't worry, Grove, I'll let you smell the nine.

- I don't want Cracky's crack. I want Cindy's.

I guess I gotta go over to her house

and break a crackhead's heart.

- What are you doing? Lipstick doesn't go there.

- I'm just trying to fix myself up.

- Girl, you look like the puppet from "Saw."

- I was going for Lil' Kim.

- The puppet from "Saw" is cuter.

- I know he's only going to the dance with me

'cause he has to. I want him to like me.

- Well, Cracky, that's what makeup, weaves, fake asses,

and non-surgical facelifts are for.

We use that to get the boys interested,

but keeping them is all about what's on the inside.

- On the inside? You mean like Methadone?

- No, girl, I mean your good qualities.

Once what's on the inside gets out,

Grover can see you for who you really are.

- I'm more than a girl with a pipe dream.

I have a real dream that happens to include a pipe.

Help me, Cindy. - I've got an idea.

I'm gonna give you a makeover.

Let's start with eyebrows, 'cause, girl, you need some.

Now you're ready.

- 'Bout goddamn time you showed up

with the crack, nigga. - Nah, nah, you got it wrong.

I'm here for Cracky. - Uh, which one?

My wife or my daughter? - I'm hoping your daughter.

- Oh, no, no, no-- I can't sell my daughter.

See, that's what got me locked up the last time.

- Now, Crocodile, I know you didn't sell my grandbaby!

- Oh, Momma, shut up, please!

I'm trying to do business. - Where's the TV?

- I sold the TV, Momma. You know I'm sick!

- Uh, I can come back. - Hold on, Grover!

- Hey, Grover, I see you met my father.

- Damn, Cracky. - Actually, my name is Patricia.

- Oh--

You trying to fuck with my daughter?

See, well, there's rules to that shit.

Rule number one, the first hour is $25.

- Wait, what? - Oh, man, come on now.

Ju-just gimme ten then, baby.

- Crocodile, get yo ass in this house,

and stop trying to sell the baby.

- Oh, come on now, Momma.

You know I'm sick!

- So what did you wanna talk to me about?

We're still going to the dance, right?

- Oh, hell yeah-- we still going to the dance.

As fine as you is, I'm going to be a legend,

and you going to be a legina.

Selfie.

- Ah! Ah! What the hell?

- So that's what you like? You can have that bitch then.

Go be with that bitch. Go be with her.

Be with that bitch. - Who?

- Ah!

- Don't play dumb, my nigga.

I seen you thinking about that hoe.

- Gee whiz, I wasn't. I swear, babe.

I wasn't thinking of anyone but you.

- Nuh-uh, nigga.

You don't think I can read minds?

I can see inside you, motherfucker.

- Hey, look, I'm real-- - Shut up.

You make me sick.

- Oh, my God, what is this?

- Keep it. It's a promise blade.

You don't cheat on me,

and I promise I won't cut your motherfucking face off.

Love ya.

- Uh, what the fuck just happened?

Is you good?

- Oh, she just passionate, homey.

- Damn, girl, you look dope.

- You need help hauling that junk in the trunk?

- Is all this attention for me?

- And me. We the new "it" couple.

Grover and Patricia. But y'all can call us Grotricia.

Uh, guys, this is Cracky, AKA Patricia.

- Uh, hey, fellas.

- Damn...

aye, she look good with a shower and a middle tooth.

- I see you, Grove. You got yourself a bad one.

- Oh, man, she look good.

God damn, nigga, you lucky as fuck.

- Now that I got Patricia,

I don't even need to chase after Cindy no more.

Randy can have her. - Good work, Grove.

Welcome to the smash bros.

- Well, what about me? - You can have Rhiyonce.

- She's sloppy as fuck. What happened to her?

- She and Griselda got into it. Rhiyonce had her for a minute,

but you know how passionate Griselda is.

Anyway, enjoy. That mouth still Lebron.

Hey, Big Baby Boo. What you up to?

- Don't you Baby Boo me.

You been hiding ever since they announced

the Shirley Chisholm Dance.

- Girl, wasn't nobody ducking you.

You know you my main.

Now go ahead, hurry up, and ask me.

Your mom's gonna need time

to stitch them three dresses together.

- Fuck you, nigga. I'm going with a real man.

- The fuck? I can't believe this.

Mumblemouth? What? - Aye, man, you--

you know you can mumble these nuts in yo mouth?

- That's my job now.

Come on, baby. You can mumble in this jungle.

- I used to mumble in her jungle.

It looks like it's just you and me, Rhiyonce.

What the fuck?

- You know the game, boy. Yo bitch chose me.

- Hold on now. Time out.

Hey, my name is Jeffery the Referee.

Yeah, I know it rhymes.

So look, my wife and I is on break...

- Damn, even the ref is hollering at yo girl.

- That's what happens when you have a bad one.

- You wanna see my resume?

- Being with a bad bitch is starting to make me feel bad,

and like a bitch. Where you been?

- And what's up with the hoodie?

- Stop asking me all these questions.

It's not her fault. - Whose fault?

- Oh, shit. - Damn, who beat yo ass?

- Griselda, but I deserved it.

I shouldn't have asked Siri for directions in front of her.

I should've just stayed lost, my nig.

I'm sorry. I--I love you.

- What the fuck is happening to us, man?

I lost my girl to a guy who can't talk.

Milk is being abused by a dime.

It's like "Freaky Friday After Next."

- Shirley Chisholm Dance turned us into

some straight bitches.

- It's turned y'all into some bitches.

I'm still a ledge.

- I used to be a legend until Medina abandoned me.

I miss her so much.

The sweat under her titties--

it smelled like all-you-can-eat garlic knots.

- Are you crying over some poontang, motherfucker?

It's okay to be fat, son,

but fat and a bitch will never get you no pussy.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you,

you fat bitch?

- I'm trying to be helpful, you fat bitch.

Man, I look like Fat Albert.

- Hey, hey, hey, I ain't that fat, nigga.

You better get your shit together, Jamal.

You got 24 hours to lose this weight.

Yes! - No, you still fat, nigga.

Hey, hey, hey, you still got a fat ass.

- Dysmorphia.

- Long day?

- Girl, since you made me over, the boys won't leave me alone.

Is it always like this?

- The kinda guys you attract, they'll mess with anybody.

- I used to want the attention from the boys,

but now all I get is penis pics all day.

See? - Bitch, that's Randy's.

I can tell by the two-tone foreskin.

- Oh, you want me to forward it to you?

- No, you can keep it.

Apparently, you're a bone collector.

- Whoa, Cindy, you're sounding kinda jealous.

- Jealous? Why would I be?

I'm still the hottest girl in school.

- Not according to the leaderboard.

- What the fuck? You're hotter than me?

Are you kidding?

- I didn't ask for three terabytes of junk mail.

- Three? Oh, bitch, you bragging?

- No, I didn't want any of this.

- Oh, okay, now you acting all coy and shit.

- I don't even know what coy means.

Look I gotta go. - Where you going?

I was just kidding. Well, fuck you!

Who put you together? Me. That's who.

Who made you popular? Me.

Who do I trust? Me. 'Cause I'm the shit.

- I wanna give you a pregnancy scan.

- Ooh, yeah... - Let me bust one up in you.

Leave me alone!

I am not a breezy, a thot,

a hot piece of ass, or a bad bitch.

I am a human being.

- Hey, hey, what is you guys doing?

Leave my date alone.

Is you okay? - No, I'm not okay.

This was all a mistake. I'm sorry, Grover.

I'm not going to be able to go to the dance with you.

- No date for the dance? Now I'm really fucked.

- Tough break, kid. - Yeah, sucks.

- Look, son, I know you got a lot on your mind,

but did she say anything about my dick pic?

- Oh, man, come on.

- Look at what I went through.

It took hours to pluck, wax

add new hair, shave old hair off,

paint my nails, put on foundation,

and for what?

I've already seen every dick in Chamberlain Heights.

You ain't seen mine.

- What? - Nothing.

Who cares about the dance?

Let's go to the movies.

We could watch that new Marlon Wayans movie,

"Twelve Mo' Years a Slave: Still Slavin'."

- What about the dance?

What's the point of going out if no one see us?

I mean, this is your first dance.

Don't you wanna document it? You and me together,

all over Facebook and Instagram, killing it.

Don't let them rob us of this opportunity to shine.

We're Grotricia, remember?

- You're right. I've never been to a dance.

I tell you what, I'll go under one condition.

I go as myself. - For sheezy.

- Ah! - What you doing?

- First of all, you owe me for a jumbo.

And second, this is just who I am, Grover.

- Please, can you at least wait to go back to being a crackhead

till after the dance?

- Look, Grover, if you wanna go with me,

it's going to be as Cracky.

Oh, man.

All right, hold on.

Let me get a few more pictures before you do it.

Hold up, where's my phone? - I sold it.

- You sold it? - You know I'm sick!

- Need more diet pills.

- Jamal? Damn, you look good.

- Nothing tastes as good as skinny looks and feels.

- I can't believe I'm asking this,

but would you go with me to the dance?

- Hell yes.

Let me just lose these fat love handles right quick,

and I'll be ready to go.

Can you open this for me?

- Give me that eggplant.

- Ah! - I paid for Olive Garden.

- Bro, the great thing about me

is, like, I don't even need to work out.

Like, all of this is natural.

Bro, not to toot my own horn or anything,

but, like, did you know that I'm actually flexible enough

to toot my own horn?

And by that I mean I--

I'm this close to fucking you.

- You better not be looking at any other girl in here.

Boy, look at me when I'm talking to you.

What are you doing? Don't look at me.

Keep your eyes down. What do you think of my dress?

- I think it-- - Shut up!

I don't wanna hear it! Gimme a kiss...

like you mean it!

Keep crying, hear.

I'ma use your tears for lubricant.

- Looks like everybody's having fun.

Don't think they'll be thinking about us.

- Yeah, great.

- Who's Cindy with? - Who's that?

- He look good.

- It sounds like there are people here.

Are there people here, Cindy?

- Hey, everybody.

- Holy shit. Jamal?

- Looks like someone let the air out of you.

You all right? - Who's that?

Is that you, white Jesus?

Is it time to go to heaven?

- Jesus was black, homey.

They had a documentary on him on Adult Swim.

- What happened to you?

- Well, I didn't wanna be the only one without a date,

so I lost all this weight.

Now I'm here with Cindy.

Well, at least it feels like Cindy.

- Ooh, I like that. Mm, what's your name?

- Uh-uh, bitch, he's here with me.

- Who you calling bitch?

- You, bitch.

- I'm so glad I didn't let her suck the nine.

- Come with it!

- Whoa... hey...

- Oh, girl, oh.

- Worldstar.

- Yeah.

- Ooh! A titty popped out.

- What's it look like? Someone describe it to me.

Is it ham or beef?

- Oh, bitch, oh!

Cat fight! Cat fight!

Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight! Cat fight!

- Enough!

This empowerment dance turned us into monsters.

But Shirley Chisholm,

the woman this dance was named after,

was a pioneer.

- Shut up, bitch. Make me a sandwich.

- I'd like some sourdough bread if you can, bitch.

- That's real talk, though.

- I will not make you a sandwich.

Those days are over.

When someone told Shirley Chisholm

to make a sandwich, she told them to "suck my dick."

I think.

Uh, I was high when I read about it.

The point is,

Shirley Chisholm didn't wanna be remembered

for making sandwiches.

She wanted to be remembered as a woman who had guts.

Do you girls wanna be remembered as a thot

or a woman with thoughts?

- Ooh, what's this I'm feeling?

It's all warm and tingly,

like I wanna cover my ass up and shit.

- It's called self-respect.

- Oh, like, yeah,

I--I don't think I want my titties out either.

- This wig been itching me all day.

- Oh, snap! - Oh, oh, no.

- That's what it looks like without makeup!

No!

- They making a break for it. Lock the door.

- Way ahead of you.

- Oh, you guys are gonna learn to like us for who we are,

even if we have to beat the sexism out of you.

all: Ah!

- I think next year,

we should plan out the next Shirley Chisholm dance better.

I lost Cindy to Cracky, and Patricia to crack.

- At least everything's back to normal,

where men are men and thots are thots.

- Mm-mm-mm! - Damn, girl.

- Well, almost everything.

Thanks for nursing me back to health.

- You got it, boo.

I'm sorry for not asking you to the dance.

I just can't let you take me for granted.

But after not having anyone to share second lunch

and third dessert with,

I realized that you're the only one for me, Jamal.

- You just gonna sit there and watch them make out?

- Nah, man, now that Griselda ain't allowed

within 100 yards of me,

I got some making up to do with Rhiyonce.

What you gonna get into, Grove?

- Well, there go Cindy.

I'm 'bout to go holler before Randy bitch ass get back.

- You're back! - Hells yizzas!

In the immortal words of Nick Cannon,

"You can't get rid of me. I'm here forever."

- Nick Cannon is hilarious.

- He can rap too.

- Now everything's back to normal.

- You know I'm sick!