Original subtitles

- Yo, what's your rush, Jamal?

Compton Leroy's ain't going nowhere.

- Look, every time we get there late,

they out of the barbecue fatback.

It's not gonna happen to me a third time.

- You got enough fat on your back for a lifetime.

- Hoochie hoedown!

- Sharkeisha, don't kick her!

- Aye, I'm snappin' the first titty that pop out.

Worldstar!

- Okay, I got a full bird with a friends and family plan.

Anything else, you sorry Coolio-looking motherfucker?

- I am Coolio, big bitch.

- How may I help you, pimpled-ass short dick?

They make me say stuff like that, Jamal.

You know I love your short dick.

- Hmm, I'll have the number one,

number two, number three, and a biscuit.

Ooh, and some corn bread, with extra fat back,

fat front, and a side of fat side.

- Aye, since when did Chamberlain Heights

get a Metro Rail?

- Yeah, I thought the only trains

being run around here were on Amtrak Amy.

- Isn't this place great?

Life just feels more precious here.

This is how Lucious Lyon grew up on "Empire."

- I feel so vulnerable.

Like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti.

This is amazeballs.

- What the hell's going on around here?

- A juicery? Man, nobody in Chamberlain Heights

gonna go somewhere that only serve fruit skeet.

- Look at that fatback.

I swear everybody here must have diabetes.

- This hipster nigga.

- Aye, Grover, your neighborhood

about to turn into a Cracker Barrel--look.

- Ooh, Bohemian Beckys.

- That's strange. They don't look like Section 8.

- They're not--I know none of you ignorant negroes

and Milk asked, but what you're witnessing, gentlemen,

is what they call "neighborhood revitalization."

That's only because they're afraid to use...

The G word. - Gonads?

- Gonorrhea? - Django?

- Dude, no, I'm talking about gentrification.

- My dad says gentrification is a good thing.

He's sick of all the black people

running around everywhere.

I mean, not--not you, Grover. You one of the good ones.

- That's because like so many other brothers and sisters,

your pops is a sell out.

- 'Tis true. 'Tis true.

- In addition to appropriating our culture,

white people are "discovering" our neighborhoods, as well.

- It's not so bad. Look.

They even upgraded the shoes on the telephone wire.

- Hi, I'm your new neighbor, Kristen.

I just wanted to introduce myself

and bring you a nice fruit basket.

They were out of apples, so I put in a couple of Apple iPads.

Nothing special. Only 64 gigs each.

Okay, bye!

- See, Malik? You was worried about nothing.

- Yeah, and the Indians loved blankets in the beginning too.

This won't end well.

- Huh? What'd you say?

- I don't get it. "Art is anal cheese"?

- Damn, these hipsters is deep.

- Yeah, amazeballs deep.

Check out the beezys putting it on display for no charge.

- Yo, I ain't seen this many camel toes

since Amber Rose's slut walk.

- Y'all can have them Beckys.

What I need with a pale hoochie that's gonna

love me, let me drive her dad's car, and give me money?

That's what Mom's for.

Yo, why the hell they switching fake astronauts?

- I don't know, but I ain't mad at Matt Damon, though.

He was great in "Fast and the Furious."

Rest in peace.

- All right, settle down.

I'm handing back last week's homework assignment.

As you can see, there's been some changes

here at the Matt Damon Charter School.

In accordance with the new "unschooling" initiative,

you will no longer receive grades.

In fact, all homework is now optional.

All right. Keep it in your pants.

And I mean it literally, Milk.

Now let's move on to the human sexuality portion of class.

Per our new "immersive" curriculum,

please welcome our sexperts, Rick and Celeste.

For those of you in the front row,

under your seats you'll find splash guards and goggles.

- So should we start with foreplay,

or just go straight to anal?

- Damn, he got a sweaty booty.

Damn, look at all this new talent walking around.

- It ain't polite to point, my nig.

- What you talking about? - Yeah, homey,

you best holster that six.

- Damn, I didn't know I had a progressive penis.

This the kind of dick Martin Luther King dreamed about.

- He wasn't dreaming about dicks.

That nig had bitches.

- Y'all chopping it up like some babbling beezys

and we late for practice.

- Ah! Shit! Water!

- What the fuck are you motherfuckers doing in the pool?

Get the hell out of my God damn water!

- When the hell we get a pool, Coach?

You know our people can't swim.

- We always had a pool, motherfucker.

Part of Reagan's Inner City Sink or Swim Initiative.

We just ain't used it since the class of '88 drowned.

- So where we supposed to hoop at?

- Basketball's been cancelled, motherfucker.

It's all about water polo here

at the Matt Damon Charter School.

Now get the hell out of my water!

- I don't know. I kind of like it in here.

- Brody's like a beach ball.

- Will you stop playing with them white boys?

Hold up. Where's Grove?

- Grover! Is you dead?

- If he is, I get his chain and his headband.

- Mmm, tastes like brown sugar.

- Damn, homey, is you okay?

- You lucky LaDante was here.

If it weren't for his "Baywatch" training, you'd be a goner.

- He's still looking a little off.

I'm going back in. Ah!

- No, I'm good. I'm good.

- Oh, LaDante made sure of that.

He checked to make sure that all your air holes were clear.

- Who told you clowndicks to get off the bench?

Randy, you lucky you on the motherfucking team!

Now go make yourself useful and scrub the oil slicks

out of my motherfucking Speedos.

- Hey, 'Trel. - One, two...

Yo, Bro-Bro, why you looking all sad and Drakey?

- They cancelled basketball. - Four...seven...nine...

- It's all about water polo now. - 10...13...

- Everything's changing. I'm just not sure where I--

- Damn, nigga, I was trying to concentrate.

You made me forget which way I was going.

- But you asked me a question.

- I'm like a Trump voter, nigga.

I don't care what you say.

- Yo, 'Trel, why is there a white boy in my room?

- Because Skyler is a paying customer.

And the customer is always white.

Nigga.

- It's nice to meet you.

- What the fuck, Montrel?

You rented out my room? Where am I supposed to sleep?

- The couch, fool, and that's gonna run you about 20 a night.

- How you gonna charge your own brother?

- Aye, you're good with numbers, right?

What's one plus one minus two?

- I don't know, zero?

- Yeah, nigga, that's how many fucks I give.

- Say, man, how long are we gonna have--

- Shh, our hearts are harmonizing.

- Montrel rented out your room?

Ooh, it's a cold game, my nig.

- Yeah, who would pay to live in that shit hole?

No offense. - It's not a shit hole anymore.

Ever since gentrification, it's now "quaint,"

and "you must see to appreciate."

- Speaking of shit holes,

check out the one on that Becky right there.

Damn, I'ma call you Blacktrick Swayze,

'cause she breezed by you like you was a ghost.

- Those water polo marks be stealing all our shine.

- Not all of it. Shit, I get Beckys.

Hey, Cindy. - Oh, hey.

- It's Grover. - Don't be silly.

I know your name. Greg, this is Kirk.

Kirk is the captain of the water polo team.

- Glad you're still breathing, brody bro.

Grover was the one who almost

crashed and burned the other day.

- Ugh, Garfield, why would you do that?

- Uh, I was expecting there to be a basketball court.

- Huh, this school has a basketball team?

Ghetto.

- Sketch.

- I didn't realize people still played that.

Come on, bro, who throws a ball into a net?

- They don't anymore. Now Grover and his shit crew

just play with each other--ha.

- "Shit crew." Hilarious.

- Thanks, Kirkmeister. I came up with it myself.

Ha.

- All right, I'm gonna go shave my stems.

- Nah, man, bro shave his legs?

- Polo players shave everything.

- Seem a little fruitilicious.

- No, it's super sexy.

Polo players have the best bodies.

Feel how smooth this is, Grover.

- I'll pass. - It's okay, bro.

I know you want to. Everybody does.

- Uh, still no. - I'll do it!

- Ow! Jesus, Eduardo Scissor Hands.

Uh, you ever heard of a nail clipper?

all: Whoa!

- Bro!

all: Bro, bro, bro, bro, bro...

- So what is we supposed to do without basketball?

You heard Randy-- what happens to the guys

who don't play anything?

- These is some deep questions, my dudes.

Like, philosophilly deep.

Anyway, I wish I could help, but I got practice.

- Where you been? There ain't no practice.

- That's what you think. Ah!

- Yo, why you got on them nut huggers?

- I'm a polo player now. You saw it.

I'm buoyant like a motherfucker.

Later, landmarks.

- At least we still got Compton Leroy's.

- Aye, what happened to all the black people on the wall?

- Namaste, fellas. - Nama-what?

- Namaste--it means "I bow to your form."

Care for some kelp kombu jerkey?

- I ain't jerkin' shit, homey.

- Janky? - Hey, guys.

- Junior, what'd I tell you about watching where you going?

- "Always keep your good eye on the ground."

- Is you moving? - We sold our house.

Prices is through the roof.

Pops is taking the money and running.

- Where are you going? - Don't know.

Can't afford nothing. - Then why y'all moving?

- J.J., stop messing around with that slow friend of yours.

Uppity bastard, think he special 'cause he can roll his eyes.

- Coming, Pops. Say good-bye to the crew for me.

I bet they'll miss me as much as I'll miss them.

- Probably not. - You probably right.

all: Matt Damon Charter is our name.

We've got looks, wealth, and fame.

Don't be jealous, it's okay-- - It's okay--

all: Maybe we'll give you-- - Give you a job someday!

all: All lives matter. Go Martians!

- Whoo!

- Yo, I can't even tell which team of white boys is ours.

- Jamal is really good, though.

A lot better than he is at basketball.

- I'm open, bro!

Oh, fuck yeah, bro!

all: Bro! - Dude! Ha!

Great shot, Kirk. You the man.

- Thanks, shit crew.

- Oh, my God, you are so funny.

You know, my parents are gonna be out on Friday night.

Want to come over to watch some Netflix?

- And...chill?

- No, fuck. - Yes.

- Great, let's hook up after the party.

See you then, Jason.

- Yo, who the fuck is Jason?

- Oh, yeah, they gentrified my name,

but it's cool, though, brody bro.

- You gonna let them Toby you, my nig?

- She can call me anything she wants

as long as I get to nibble on them ham-colored nipples.

all: Bro, bro, bro, bro...

- What's up with that party tonight?

- Well, uh...

- Yo, BroJay Simpson, you coming with?

- Coming!

- Hermosa!

- Man, that's it. They took basketball,

they took Compton Leroy's,

and now they taking Jamal?

This is war. - Cool.

I'll get the trench coat.

- Whoa, no, Milk.

I forgot how literal you can be.

- I'm sorry, Grove, all this gentrification

making me act like one of them white boys.

- Damn, this water polo party turnt.

- Keep your eyes open.

There's a lot of crackers up in there.

First one that say "nig" gon' get--aah!

- Yo, Brock, where you going?

- Not to jail, that's for sure.

- Oh, what's up, Kirk? Can we come in?

- Who do you know? - We know Jamal's fat ass.

- Who? - Jamal, the goalie.

- Our brolie's name is Jason.

Nice try, Gromit. No entre.

- Let met tell you a little something

about water polo, Amanda, 'cause it's the most

mentally and psychically challenging sport on Earth.

So if you can play polo, you can do anything.

- Except remain loyal to your boys.

- Or say no to seconds.

- Hey, Jason, now that you're, like, part of the crew,

I got something I need you to help me with.

Yo, everyone, I just wanted to say a couple of words.

Water polo is a team sport, and all of us

who actually get in the pool,

well, we couldn't do it without our bench warmers.

- Fuck yeah, bro. Bench warmers. Ha!

- So, Randy, to show you how much we appreciate you bros,

we chipped in and got you a little something.

We call this the golden waterfall.

- It just looks like an empty cup.

- You heard the brody! Fill 'er up!

- What the fuck? Aw, shit.

- No, bro. It's just piss.

- I'm sorry, Randy, but if it's gonna be one of us,

it might as well be you, man.

- Hey, man, what the hell you doing?

- Just having a little fun with Randy.

- By pissing on him? That's weird.

I get golden showers-- I mean,

R. Kelly the GOAT, but a dude?

- Y'all just jealous I'm league now,

and you're still the shit crew for life.

Y'all should get shirts made.

both: League? - You not league.

- Yeah, you just fat.

You even slap like a white boy.

Come on, Grove, so you can slap me like a real nig.

Aah!

- Malik, we've been looking all over for you.

What you doing all the way out here?

- Because all my customers live in Chamberlain Heights.

- That don't make no sense. - The gringos, they like drugs.

They just don't want to buy them in their own backyard.

Nobody likes to shit where they eat and stuff.

- But they will tongue kiss a Labrador

that just licked its own ass.

It like "New Girl." It make no sense.

- We need you to help us figure out

how to turn back the gentrification.

Otherwise, we'll lose everything:

basketball, the city, Jamal.

- Hey, Grover. Look, we moved.

- Okay, there is one tactic that worked in the past,

but it's only to be used in the most dire of circumstances.

- Malik, we desperate. What is it?

- Welcome to Ruck Us Riot Supply.

Just to let you know, we are running

a two-for-one sale on gas masks.

- Where do you keep your bricks?

- You in luck, Papi.

We just got in some new Chiapas Adobe.

You know, it is the Sinaloan Cartel

safe house brick of choice.

- So you said something about

Hulu, Netflix, Crackle...

- No, I said "Netflix and fuck."

- That's what I thought you said.

- Find something romantic while I look for...

Oh.

Ooh, I finally find your junk,

and it's all shriveled up like a raisin in the sun?

- Don't worry, it's a Grover, not a shower.

I mean, grower! Grower!

Look, it's fine. Just milk it.

- What's that? - Nothing. Uh, hurry up.

- I smell your dick, Jamal!

- Oh, shit! - Where are you going?

I was just getting started.

- Jamal!

Where you at, motherfucker?

- You can't just-- - Oh, bitch, shut up.

Roar!

- Afternoon, all.

Would you mind mellowing your tunes?

All of the reclaimed driftwood inside

really amplifies the sound.

We just want everyone to have a pleasant dining experience.

Now, who wants a free sample of vegan--

- We ain't turning down shit.

This our city.

all: Yeah!

- This is an unlawful gathering.

I'm ordering you to turn down the music and disperse,

or we'll be forced to--

- Aye, we ain't turning down shit.

You can't silence us.

- I can do whatever I want.

Now I said turn it down.

- Oh, yeah? Make us.

- Oh, sweet Jesus!

- Get your gentrified dick back here.

- I said get back.

And for the love of Christ, turn that oogidy boogidy music off.

Oops. - Oh, shit, not again.

- Oh, God, they killed Mr. Proper's...radio.

- Well, guess the riot's over. I watch BET.

You people don't do anything without music.

- Like hell we don't!

Let's take back our community by destroying it.

- What should we do?

- We got this, so throw it.

- No, you throw it.

- I ain't gonna lie. It's weird without music.

- Gimme that!

- And what you think you gonna

do with that, motherfucker?

I've seen this before.

Everybody get down!

- I'm Don Lemon.

We're here on the ground in Chamberlain Heights,

where events are quickly spiraling out of control.

Obviously, once again,

there's a smell of marijuana in the air.

- Man, so I'm smoking a little dojha.

Mind your business, nigga. I've had a rough day.

- Some people would say that rioting

only hurts communities that are already suffering.

Might it not be more effective

to express your discontent through the ballot box?

- Man, everybody knows that don't make no difference.

In the hood, only one box matters.

- Um, what's that, brother?

- Hot box, nigga!

That tastes like the chronic.

- Yeah, Donny Don, now that's what I call a Lemon Party.

- Do I hear a slow jam?

- Who play this type of music at a riot?

- Play "Neighborhood Number Three."

- Eat shit. Play "Suburbs."

- Damn, white folks done gentrified the riot.

- It reminds me of Burning Man, but before it got all corporate.

- It look like we too late, my nigs.

I really don't like

what's happening to our neighborhood.

- Ugh, I'm over this place.

- Yeah, our work here is done.

Hey, there's a new neighborhood

popping up, and it's real shitty.

- Sounds great. Let's go.

all: Yeah! - Whoo, whoo, whoo!

- Yeah, baby. - Yeah!

Ah! - Gimme that short dick.

- Aye, I'm cutting you off, Don Lemon.

- Come on, 'Trelly 'Trel.

Why you got to play me like that, my nigger?

- Aye, man, what'd I tell you about trying to sound black?

- That I'd never be as convincing as Wayne Brady.

Anyhoo, we're still going out later so you can show me

how to mack on that badonka-donk, right?

- Man, hold on. Mack?

- What are you doing?

- Just making sure that tan don't wipe off.

all: Yo, East Chaim, what's the word?

Duncan is fresh, and you smell like a turd.

Go Black Holes! Take it to the rim.

East Chaim are chumps, and we're going to win.

Go black holes! Yeah!

- It's nice being back with y'all, but I ain't gonna lie,

I didn't hate being the man.

What? It helps my pants slide on easier.

- I'm just glad all them Mileys and Beliebers gone.

- We got basketball back.

Now we can go back to being legends.

- You ain't never lied, Brover.

Last one, I promise.

- Yeah, Randy. - Buckets!

- Up high, fellas.

all: Ah!

- Crap slap.

Welcome back, shit crew.

Aah!

- Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Don't worry, Coach. I got him.

Ah... - No!