Original subtitles

- I'm just saying, Milk does the booty good.

- Really? 'Cause I got a good booty.

Oh, a drone. - What the fuck?

I was just about to smash, too.

- Y'all dudes from Devry High

better stop taking all our beezys.

- What can I say, ese? Hoes love drones, holmes.

- Hey, man, fuck Devry.

- Hey, fellas, it's election season.

I hope I can count on your vote.

- Fuck no. Last time I voted,

Fantasia lost. - Well, all righty.

all:

- What kind of lame would want to run

for Class President?

You know he don't get no ass.

- Hey, Craigery, love your feminist platform.

It would be so awesome to have a women's history class.

- I think we need women's lit, feminist science,

And clam, Clitoris Awareness Month.

- I'd love to hear more. We should do lunch.

- Yo, homey, you need to make a move.

President Skidmark 'bout to beat you

to Cindy's ballot box.

- Excuse me, everybody, I'd like to announce

my candidacy for student body president.

Vote for me for HNIC.

Ya'll hear that? They love me.

Your boy's going to be president real soon.

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk!

- All right, peep game. If we going to do this

lame ass debate, and stunt on these fools,

our gear gots to be flossy.

- I got flossy presidential attire marinating in the closet.

- Aye, homey, breezys love all 50 shades of grey.

- Actually, it's black.

But I think I can rock this.

- Yo, I'ma need that. Going to a funeral

and you know I got to look better than a nigga in a coffin.

- Who died? - Aye, yo, you remember

my homey Big Thumper?

Them honey buns and Cheetos done caught up with him.

- Diabetes taking out our whole community.

- Nah, man, OG Honey Buns and Hot Cheetos,

they shot that nigga.

You know his girl going to be mourning and shit,

so 'Trely gonna slide her some of this grief dick.

Anyway, fuck all of that, just let me

hold that suit, nigga, damn.

- Damn, that was my only suit. - Hey, we seriously need

to get fitted because when you win,

we get to throw our own inaugural ball.

You do the work and we get the perks.

- That's what the fuck I'm talking about.

Our own party. Think of all the bad breezys

we could get. - Yeah, and when Cindy

sees me balling, you know my Air Force One

in her mouth. - That's what I'm saying, homey.

Let's get it.

- Aw, yeah! - Whoo, oh, oh, oh!

- Damn, I look good.

Ain't no way I'm losing this election.

- Say, man, how long does it take

to take a motherfuckin' assie?

We stay fly, no lie

we know this, inaugural balling!

- Inaugural Balling Party?

Since when are you into politics?

- Since he thought he could get in that ass.

both:

- There's plenty you don't know about me,

but don't trip, once I'm prez,

I'm going to debrief myself, then debrief you.

- You ain't debriefing nothing if you don't win

that debate tomorrow. - Oh, I'll be president.

Trust and believe.

- And what makes you think you're going to win?

- Ain't no way we losing

to a mark ass nerd like you, mark.

- Well the polls don't think I'm a mark.

I belive you basketball players refer to this as a blow out.

In your face. Boom shakalaka, bitch!

Come on, Cindy. - You tell 'em, Craigery.

- Damn, my nig, according to the polls,

you're ahead of nobody and behind Deez Nutz.

- That makes you an asshole, my dude.

- Oregano, where you going?

- I ain't Oregano no more. I'm Susan.

I'm going to Devry High. - Ooh, I heard of Devry,

but ain't you got to be able to read and write to go there?

- That's what I thunk, but they'll learn you everything

and now I can see my kids at night.

- I would love to see my kids at night.

- Then get your ass down to Devry High.

They'll turn that golden shower into a golden parachute.

- Devry High. See your kids at night.

- These marks at Devry trying to do a hoe upgrade.

- Shit, I ran for president

to get some ass, not become one.

Maybe I should quit. - Never that.

We ain't no quitters, we legends.

If we put our heads together and figure out a strategy,

we going to get that come from behind vote.

- What's this I hear about a certain negro

running for office?

- That's right, and when I win,

you could be my First Little Bruh.

- Well, let me be the first little brother

to tell you that American politics

is a game built on a foundation that's meant to keep

the Black man down. - What about Barack O-beezy?

- Obama knew the game. He did what populous politicians

always do, tell the people

what they want to hear to please everybody,

then catch amnesia when they get elected.

Negro, you think we're going to forget about tax reform

just because you sang "Amazing Grace"?

- Hey, Barry do got bars.

- I just want to be president, throw a legendary party

and see what the inside of Cindy's panties smell like.

You guys are the reason

they don't think Black lives matter.

- I think we should have ottomans for the benchwarmers,

Gatorade instead of Flavor Aid, and last but not least,

baby wipes in the boy's locker room.

- That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Everyone knows a real man lets his ass clean itself.

- Next question.

- So, Craigery, if I text my friend an answer to a test,

is that cheating?

- You know what's really cheating?

Cheating women out of an opportunity to be heard,

so I say text away, girlfriend.

- Hey, he good. That boy real good.

- Rochella, with the recent rise in band member assaults,

what are you prepared to do

to ensure these valuable artists are protected?

- Well, the first thing I'ma do is this.

You like that, huh?

- Oh, Grove.

Craigery got the vagina vote,

Rochella got the dick vote,

and Deez got the nut vote.

If you lose this, there's no party.

No party, no Cindy.

- Milk's right. Okay, Grover, get it together.

You're losing.

Now, what was that smart shit Malik said?

- I said you can't please everybody, negro.

- That's it. Negro, please everybody.

- No, that's not what I said, Grover.

- No, that is what you said. I was there.

- What are you doing? Grover. Grover.

- Grover! Grover!

- Huh?

- Please answer the question.

- Ms. Nobel, all of these questions is cool,

but what the people really want to know is

what can we do for them?

- What you gon' do, Grover?

- I'ma tell you.

To my band members, you want to stop assaults?

Shit, do it.

You the ones holding the brass.

Now beat somebody's ass.

And to my lgbt efg lmnops,

President Grover supports the rainbow.

Skittles is my favorite fruit, and so are you.

- Let me see your dick.

- And to my lovely loose hoes over there,

Grover got you.

I'm bringing Planned Parenthood to the school.

That's right.

I'ma hold you down like a white cop

at a black pool party.

- That's why I fuck with him.

- Girl, you fuck with everybody.

- The point is, once I'm elected,

I'ma be everybody's president.

If you got a problem, I'll solve it.

Ya heard?

Who you know fresher than Grove?

- My boy is back.

We about to get some throats pregnant.

- You the man, Grover!

- Hey, Mr. President.

- I could get used to this presidential motorcade,

my dudes.

Jamal, if you finna keep co-heading my secret swervice,

you need to step it up.

- But my dogs is howling.

What say we half-step it a beat, my nigs?

- Aye, how come we can't get

no alternative forms of transportation in this bitch?

Some Heelys or something.

- If we all ridin' presidential,

how they gon' know I'm more important than y'all?

Now I need y'all to watch my back.

- Ah, my dude.

- And my front. Thanks, dawg.

- I don't know if doing all this ass kissing

just to go to a party is worth it.

- You blasphemizing, Jamal.

Partying with potential ass is always worth it.

- Look, it's Sloppy Jose day,

so you know them ESL marks be flocking like cucarachas.

- A little sensitivity, my dudes.

Those cucarachas all vote.

Good to see you. Hola. Hola.

Konichiwa. "Amistad."

Mind if I jump in?

I can't work as hard for y'all on an empty stomach.

- Yo, that was ballin'.

- You can't be eating with the president.

- Why not?

- 'Cause if you eating,

who gonna be watching the presidential backside?

- This nigga.

- Okay, you know the drill.

When you're done, place the Scantron on my desk.

Then you can leave or stay.

I--I don't... I don't give a...

- Oh, shit.

Ms. Noble just gave me the answer to the test.

- Say what, my nig?

- I'm the president.

You think they'd let me fail a history test?

- Aye, real talk.

That's gangsterer than a mug.

- Yep, these presidential perks ain't nothin' to fuck with.

We all finna get them As.

Hey.

- Aye, fall back, Jamal.

- Say what again, my nig?

- This is classified information,

and I ain't trying to get caught up in no scandal,

unless it's with Kerry Washington.

Feels so good to be me, the hnic.

- Dis nigga.

- Fuck it then.

I'm just finna keep it hood,

and alternate between these Bs and Cs.

- Put some club sodas on that and rub it gently,

okay, my little Monica Boo-inskys?

- Thanks again, Mr. President.

- What's going on, my n--uh, fellow Americans?

- You tell us.

I know you didn't just experience that trilogy

without your boys.

- Yeah, you coulda at least let us watch.

You old, greedy-ass filibuster.

- This was official presidential business.

Politics as usual.

- You letting this shit go to your head, Grove.

You forgetting about the people who got you here, my nig.

Ow!

- I can't believe this, man.

You gonna big-time us like you LeBron

and we ain't nothing but some Dellavedovas?

Is this where we at?

- Somebody got to get the loose balls.

- I got some loose balls for you, homey.

- Look, we getting off track.

The people on my dick, why ain't y'all?

- 'Cause we ain't no dick riders.

- Aye, you playing yourself

if you think we gon' play that part.

We quits.

- Yeah, you can ride your own dick.

- Mr. President, Cindy's here to see you

and she smells like she' not wearing panties.

- Cindy? Hold on.

Just give me a second here.

Send her in.

- Mr. President? Ew.

- What's Gucci, boo? How can I service you?

- Why you in your little brother's drawls?

- The real question is,

why aren't you in my little brother's drawls?

- I ain't got time for your foolishness.

Have you considered our Cliterature Studies proposal?

- Naw, sorry. I ain't got time for that.

As you can see,

I'm still trying to figure out what to wear

to my inaugural Ballin' Ball.

What's more presidential?

Orange or tangerine?

- You didn't get elected to party.

I thought you was different, Grover.

- All right, fine.

I'll go to student council and take care of it.

- So you want Cliterature Studies,

trench coats and guns for the goths,

abortions for the whores,

and you want a fundraiser

to find out who killed Big Pun?

- Inquiring nigs want to know.

- Brah, everybody knows it was Little Debbie.

Denied.

- Damn, I can't make good on any of my promises.

Last time I checked, I was the president around this bitch.

- The student body president has very little power.

He's like an executive producer of his first TV show.

It's just a title they have to give him, really.

Nobody expects much from him.

- Word on the street is Cindy's been coming by your office.

Is that true?

- Yep, she also been coming inside my office.

- What the fuck did you just say?

- All I'm saying is, I'm not just president.

I'm also the secretary of her interior.

- You son of a bitch.

- Man, this is some ridiculous

punk-ass bullsnip right here, Randy.

You gonna go just let him get away with?

- The shit crew ain't gettin' away with shit.

- Our next order of business, the phantom shitter is back.

- What? Aw, hell naw!

- Aye, what happened to our Mexican history month, ese?

Showing "La Bamba" on Cinco de Mayo doesn't cut it.

- Look what happened when I fought back, Mr. President.

Fuck you.

- You promised you'd get me out of here.

I miss my kids.

- Oh, God, I hope that was pudding.

- Aw, hell no.

Whatever it is, I ain't cleaning it up.

- You still go'' fix this titty, right?

- What you lookin' at, trick?

- I'm looking at a bunch of haters, bitch.

- I'm still the president.

- Aye, you know that's not pudding on your face, right?

- So he broke a promise to you too, huh?

Don't worry.

Tomorrow we're gonna holler at him from the grassy knoll,

if you know what I mean.

- Yeah, no. I--I don't know what he means.

- They plannin' on Steve Harvey Oswalding our boy.

- They're gonna let him host Miss Universe

and he's gonna fuck it up?

- No, fat boy.

They finsta kill him.

- Oh, lookie here. It's the cast of "Scrubs."

- "Scrubs?" Man, fuck Donald Faison.

Anyway, we need some radical negro knowledge.

- Let me guess, Grover was elected president,

made a bunch of promises he couldn't keep,

and now the chickens have come home to roost, am I right?

- He didn't roast no chickens,

but yeah, the rest of that shit's pretty accurate.

- Yeah, and we don't want to see nothing happen to our dude.

Tell us what to do, Malik.

- You negroes and Milk base your lives on hope,

so you better start hoping something comes along

to distract the people from the real issues,

like the way everybody was hating on Bush,

then boom, 9/11.

He went from ashy to classy.

Now unless your white boy want to get this work,

y'all need to kick rocks.

- He may be acting like a dick, but that's our homey.

We can't just stand around and watch him get murked.

- Aye, Malik did give us some good advice.

What'd he say again?

- There's nothing you can do, but 9/11.

Boom! Boom!

Boom!

- Boom, bitch. That's it.

We need a distraction.

- A tu-sami would be dope.

- Stupid, we can't have no tsunami

without having a Chinese earthquake first,

and that shit would take way too long.

- 'Tis true. 'Tis true.

- I got an idea, and it's got Devry written all over it.

We still owe them for gankin' our hoes.

Man, look at this dude.

This is the saddest shit I ever seen.

- You suck, old bitch-ass president.

- Yo, how Operation Armageddon going?

- I told you. It's Operation Condor.

- Why you always get to name the operations, homey?

Fuck all that. We good?

- All systems is go.

In three, two, one.

- Mr. President, blah, blah, blah, we're under attack.

- That's not gon' work.

"I hereby resign from this bitch."

Perfect.

- You all right, my dude?

- Yeah, we heard what happened.

- Not my problem now.

I just resigned.

- Resigned?

You this close to Cindy giving you some disaster ass

and me and Jamal was gon' do some collateral smashing too,

and you want to resign?

- Yeah, this your time to shine, my nig.

- Shine? All I see is a bunch of shade.

Y'all don't care anyway.

- We care like a motherfucker.

I ain't steal $400 from Uncle Joey's bitch ass for nothing.

- What you talking about?

- Well, we wanted to do a tu-sami

but a drone was a whole lot economicaler.

- Wait a minute, y'all was the ones

who flew the drone into Michael Clarke Duncan's mouth?

- I ain't no snitch, but yeah, they was gon' murk you, homey.

But we did it for you.

- You was finna get dealt with, so we caused a distraction.

- By any means mecessary, my nig.

Ow!

- Man, you did all of that for me?

That's why y'all my nigs.

So what's the plan now?

- Um..

- Um, we didn't think that far ahead.

- So you just gon' fly a drone into a statue

and not have a plan?

- Look, man, we got the damn drone.

We saved your ass.

- You didn't save my ass.

You created a bigger mess.

- You ungrateful motherfucker.

- You know what? Get out.

The president needs a moment to himself.

- Dis nigga.

- Damn, I'm a failure.

- You not a failure, boss.

- Michael Clarke Duncan?

- Yeah, it's me.

I usually help white people with they problems.

They don't think about me no more,

so I'm here to help you, little chocolate boy.

All's I needs you to do is believes in yourself.

I's never actually said that to a black person before.

- Michael Clarke Duncan, why you talking like a slave?

- 'Cause I is.

In heaven, I keeps the clouds nice and soft.

Not as many white people up here as I thought, through.

- So all I got to do is believe in myself?

- That's hows it works in the movies.

A black man says something wise,

and then a white writer gets the statue.

Almost happened in "Straight Outta Compton."

Now go out there and tells them the truth.

- I'll do it.

- Good job, son.

And just remember, Omarosa killed me.

She stabbed me in my pancreas with an icicles.

An icicles.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- You don't understand.

I can't let Michael Clarke Duncan down.

My fellow students, today is a sad day at Duncan High.

Lovers of hate attacked our school.

- Oh, to hell with that speech, motherfucker.

What is you gon' do about Devry?

- Sells it, Grover.

- This is a day when we as Duncan High

will unite in the name of freedom.

We was attacked because of our spirit and our swag.

They mad 'cause we be stuntin',

and our females is bangable.

If Devry High thinks that they can get away with this,

they haven't seen shit yet.

This is Michael Clarke Duncan High!

The same Michael Clarke Duncan

who could cry on command

and help Bruce Willis destroy an asteroid.

Who kept the grill going during Roscoe's family reunion

and went toe-to-toe with Ben Affleck in "Daredevil."

He went from being a part of Uncle Luke's entourage

to fixing Tom Hanks's dick.

If folks wanna pop off, then let's pop off.

Devry ain't got no love for Michael Clarke Duncan?

Well, let it be known then!

- I think the party's back on.

- What the fuck!

There's something fishy, Mumblemouth.

- It's probably Cindy. Randy know what she need to do.

She could use some Summer's Eve.

- No.

- Come on, Ms. Noble.

All we need is a few gats

and we can go to war on these fools.

- No.

- We can't go out like no punk bitches.

Today, it was our statue.

What will it be tomorrow?

Our school buses?

Our cheerleaders?

A cyber attack to take away the teachers' pensions?

- You can take my pension from my cold, dead fingers.

I don't care how many of you have to die.

We're going to war!

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Stop the presses!

It was all fake.

Devry High School did not try to attack us.

Grover here is trying to pull a Donald Rumsfeld!

- Lies! They all lies!

Yo, who's Donald Rumsfeld?

- I think that's the dude that used to own the Clippers.

- I got the black box from the drone.

Check it out.

- You think this'll fuck up that statue?

- Hell yeah.

And won't nobody know we did it.

Aye, how you spell Devry?

Yo, they got us, Grove.

- Us?

- Grover!

- You were about to send us to war under false pretenses?

What do you have to say for yourself?

- Good lookin' out on the presidential pardon, Grover.

- You got it, my dude.

- Yeah, detention was tryin' to incarcerate my black ass

for two weeks.

- I'm just glad this whole president thing is over.

- Aww, yeah.

Operation Bust a Nut is back in effect.

- Where do you think y'all goin'?

- We goin' to the inaugural ball.

- After that shit y'all did?

You're on the "no longer fly" list.

- Hold up! This is our party.

- Yeah, and you did a good job.

It's turned up in there.

Greatest party I've ever seen.

Man, Craigery gonna be a legend.

- If y'all hurry home, maybe someone's Periscoping.

- Damn, even the drone's smashing.

- You know what, it doesn't matter.

When I needed you guys, you had my back.

The school, local law enforcement, and the FBI

may see you as terrorists,

but you're more than that to me.

You're care-orists.

- Well, before we start sucking each other's dicks,

y'all wanna know a secret?

I'm the phantom shitter.

- Aw, hell no!

Not the trophy!

Twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk,

twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk,

twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk, twerk!