Original subtitles

Wake up, it's a beautiful morning, something

is happening here.

Slide on over to my side, it's colder

without you here.

Yeah, well let's fall, yeah, anything you take calling.

Saying I'm gonna show you now, yeah, what you've been missing.

It's a beautiful moment, knowing I'm falling into

you.

Move a little bit slower, make your way closer, like

you do.

Such a beautiful moment when I'm with you.

So, your name is? Kate Lachlan. It says Lachlan here.

Like Loughborough?

It's pronounced Loughlin. Hmm.

You know what we want, right?

When you're ready, then, let's see your best smile.

Not bad.

Make it a little bigger.

Oh, no. Too much.

Less gums, more teeth, dear. Okay.

Pout out your lips like Angelina.

Oh, you look like a fish.

Narrow them, like Gwynedd.

Lose the bottom teeth.

Wider. Wider. Out to the side.

Let's see the teeth.

Hold that.

Is that a smile that would sell toothpaste?

What do you think, Miss Loughlin?

Is that good enough?

I think you've some fucking nerve, that's what I think.

Excuse me? To sit there with your pathetic attempt at a George Clooney

and your cheap, shiny suit.

I've had enough belittling, degrading and humiliating myself for assholes like

you. Why don't you take your bloody toothpaste commercial and I'm shoving up

your fucking arse!

Miss Loughlin?

You're right, you do deserve an answer.

But it's not going to be the one you want.

There has to be no... Wonderful.

A mate.

Miles.

I hadn't finished.

Yet, yet.

I'd like you to do it again, but this time take your top off.

Excuse me?

Top, top.

The scene will be filmed in the nude.

We need to get an idea of your... your form.

Yes. I just don't think I'd be comfortable here. I mean, on a film

thing, but in an audition scenario... Are you going to be difficult?

No, I just... All right, then. I won't record it. I'll just take your picture.

No. Okay, no camera.

Just show me. No. Please.

No. Shame.

Hello, Martina Mullins here for the audition.

Oh, we're not finished.

Actually, I think we are.

Miss Lou!

You've reached the offices of Jeremy Warner and Howard Millington.

Leave a message.

Hi, Jeremy. It's Kate again.

The 11 o 'clock didn't go so well, so I'm just on my way to the Prince of

meeting now.

Maybe call me when you get it?

Okay, see you later. Bye.

What the fuck

is that?

It's latte.

What, made with goat's piss?

Soya. Fucking what?

You have lactose intolerance.

Circles on the dial.

Bad temper.

Violent outbursts.

My mother has seen.

No milk for you.

I've been living in L .A.

for the past six years, and I've had it up to my tits with latte, mochaccinos,

frappe, whatever the fucks.

My first day back in England, I want a proper fucking cup of builder's tea. You

got that?

What did you just say?

I'll get tea.

Hello, darling.

Vincent.

Sweetie.

How are you?

What's her problem?

Oh, Lydia.

She's amazing, isn't she? No, I don't like her. Doesn't she know who I am?

I don't have to put up with some Polish chick barking at me like a dog. She's

Lithuanian. Whatever.

Get rid of her. Get someone less... tall.

I'll let you choose my staff when you've won your first Oscar.

Now, are you all set?

For another day of casting your eye over beautiful women?

Oh, right, yeah. Beautiful, vacuous women all telling me how great I am in a

blatantly transparent attempt to get a job. Woo -hoo!

I'm so lucky.

Vincent, you've got such a hard life.

Hello.

Hey, um, English?

So I hear you got the gig.

The graduation film.

There's going to be two.

I got one.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I mean, your silent film was by far the best of

the lot.

Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, the way you juxtaposed those images of the dog and the balloon

the old man, and then your use of black and white and back to colour and back

again, it was just sublime.

I didn't think anyone would pick up on that.

So you got any ideas for the script?

Don't know.

I mean, I think the whole script thing is a bit tired, you know?

Like, we don't have a script for life. Things happen, and you just respond.

There's no predetermination involved.

So why not mirror that with art?

No script.

So we make, like, a documentary?

Yeah. No, well...

You use actors and you control the series of events. The detail is... We.

Well, you're going to need somebody to film it for you, right?

I have been raised in the knowledge that I am destined for great things.

I have been raised in the knowledge that I am destined for great things.

I have been raised in the knowledge that I am destined for great things. But

no...

Oh,

sorry.

The form asked for most relevant experience in film and television, but

asked for a current resume, which I have here. So I was wondering is there

really any point in me filling this section in since my CV has all my

credits, so it's kind of redundant duplicating the same information.

I'll just fill in the form.

God, I'm so nervous I just puked my face off.

Get the f - Fuck away from me, you freak.

Next.

You know what? She's probably just as nervous as you. You know how it goes.

Here.

Audition survival kit.

I'm not really an actress.

Just a massive fan of the books, so I couldn't resist trying out.

Have you read them?

Not the books, but the script.

Not a very faithful adaptation, I'd say.

They missed out on a lot of important events. Like, they only just skipped

the entire Caracathenian Wars.

Caracamenian Wars?

Caracathenian Wars.

Massive part of the trilogy.

They're going to get so burned if they leave it out.

You should say something.

I couldn't.

I just want to get in and out and post on my blog that I've done it.

Which part are you hoping to play?

Oh, I'm reading for Princess Grace.

Oh, you'd be perfect for her.

I'd love to play one of the sisterhood of nine.

But to be honest, I'd be happy playing a wench in the castle.

No.

I'm not fucking around here, Chuck.

This is a $150 million movie.

Not 140, not 130.

It's $150 million American dollars.

Would you want to make period fucking dramas? People eating tea and cake in

drawing rooms?

What do you want to make?

Remains of the Day. Do you want to make Remains of the Day? Because I'm thinking

more along the lines of Lord of the Fucking Rings myself.

I'm thinking 18 Oscars.

17.

Do you know how many Oscars Remains of the Day won, Chuck?

No? None.

That's how many. So why don't you think about that when you're polishing your

acceptance speech and deciding whether or not to pull the rug from underneath

one of your multiple Oscar -winning feature film productions?

Wanker!

I'm so sorry about that.

Vincent, this is Kate Loughlin.

Nice to meet you, love. So why don't you grab us a cup of tea, send in the next

meat poppet, and we'll get this shit wrapped up.

The next warm prop.

The next actress, love.

Vincent, Kate is reading for Princess Grace.

You're an actress.

How do you know so much about film?

It doesn't matter. So, sit.

So, you've read the script?

Yeah, it's wonderful.

It's epic, romantic.

Sweet being, it's majestic.

Jesus, Deb, do these guys compare notes before they come in here? Love, if I

wanted my arse licked, I'd give Charlie Sheen a call.

Actually, there was one thing.

I was wondering why you decided to omit the entire Caracthenian Wars.

That's exactly what I said.

Do you want to know why they skipped over the most important battle, the

set piece in the entire fucking trilogy?

Money. Tie -fitted bastard squibbling over a pick in ten million dollars.

Penny pinchers.

Are you sure you're just an actress?

Last I checked.

How'd it go?

Really good.

I said it about the whole Caractinian Wars. You never know, it might find its

way back in.

This is so going on my blog!

Next.

It's better to look in there.

Are you sure she'd want to be in a student short film?

It's going to be more than just a student short film.

I mean, she's an artist. She'll see that.

She's my sister's best friend.

Kate!

Hey! How are you?

Oh, very French.

Yeah!

Joanne. Nice to meet you. Sorry this is so rushed. I've just got a non -stop day

today. So go, go, go, huh?

Exactly. I've got ten minutes for meeting with Dahi, then I have to rush

another casting.

And your ten minutes starts now.

Wow, okay.

So, tell me.

Huh? Pitch it to me. What's it all about?

Right.

Essentially, it's an existential exploration of the cause and effect of

waking world on the dream world.

And vice versa.

It's an expressionistic foray into our darkest fears and our deepest desires.

A non -structuralist, totalitarian glimpse into the mind of a woman who's

grips of a society hell -bent on shaping her in its own consumerist, conformist

image. Right.

Deborah Whitten is our tutor.

Deborah Whitten, the... The Carson director, yes.

OK, so...

Have you got a script for me?

Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Dahi. Dahi.

She said she'd think about it. Yeah, you know what that's code for?

I just made a complete tit of myself.

So what if she doesn't do it? There are thousands of actresses out there.

About six years ago, I was dragged to see a play that my sister was in.

Kate was in it, too.

I'd never been to the theatre before. I had no interest in it.

But something about Kate, about her performance, it changed me.

It took me outside myself.

I'd never seen anything like it before, or since.

She's kind of the reason I want to become a director.

So why don't you say that to her, then?

Why all this expressionism, totalitarianism, existentialism

Do you think she'll do it?

Maybe.

My dad always said, act as if.

Act as if she will and she's more likely to do it.

So assuming she will, what's our next move?

Location.

Just give me two seconds, darling.

Two seconds.

Well, beautiful.

You at home, darling?

No, I'm at some shitty casting all day for some ghastly fragrance.

Oh, cool. Yeah, putting up with desperate skinny bitches all day.

Any of them bitches caught you lying?

No, no.

Oh? Sienna's already got the job.

They're just looking for a backup in case she throws a tantrum or gets greedy

whatever. Anyway, better go.

Some of these girls look like they might faint.

Unless we give them some millet.

Or heroin.

Or whatever it is they eat these days. Okay, sweetie.

Okay, bye -bye. Love you.

I love you too. Bye.

Okay.

Who's next?

Look, whatever she says, don't be offended, okay?

I thought you were dead.

Lovely to see you. Hello.

This is Joanne.

Oh, Jesus, she's a looker. Call me Mary, love.

Hi, Mary. Nice to meet you. You're English.

Morning, Brad.

Isn't that lovely?

You're not riding her, are you?

For fuck's sake.

No. You mind your fucking language.

Now, come on in.

So, what sort of a film is this?

It's our graduation short.

It's not a porno, is it?

Don't any riding going on in here?

There's no riding in it. No riding?

Must be Irish porn, what?

You do know that Irish men are terrible lovers. God love them. Like my Francie

died grandad.

Lovely man, but fucking useless in the sack.

He's dead now, God rest him.

Complications due to injuries he suffered in the war.

The war? But wasn't that in like the 1940s?

Not that war, love.

The 800 year war against British occupation in Ireland.

That fucking war.

That's Francie giving Dahi a bath in the sink.

Did you look at the little willy on him?

No, no.

I'm just saying, not to be proud of.

I think you look cute.

I knew this was a bad idea.

But we need the location.

It would be perfect.

I think you're going to have to take one for the team, little Willie.

It was humiliating, Jeremy.

Of course it was humiliating. It's a fucking casting.

That campaign could have brought in shed loads for us.

These bloody hair plugs don't come cheap, you know.

I'm sorry.

Stop fussing with your cuddling.

Sorry.

At least the other audition went well, right? Yeah, it did. I think I really

made an impression there.

Right. Well, let's hope you make it past the recalls this time.

You're getting a reputation as something of a callback queen, constantly

shortlisted but never quite getting past the final hurdle. It might be time to

change your approach.

Start playing the game a bit more.

Do you know what? I did get an offer today, though. A graduation film a

of mine from home is directing it.

Any money?

No, no money, but the piece has got a lot of depth to it and I can really

to the subject matter.

To be honest, as long as it doesn't interfere with paid jobs, I don't really

give a fuck what you do in your own time.

Not that it's been an issue of late.

So go on, what's it about?

Uh, it's an existential exploration of a woman's dream of a totalitarian state.

And you can relate to that?

Okay, Deborah Whitten's involved?

The Deborah Whitten?

Yeah. Wow, interesting.

Maybe she could put you on to this young chap who's doing the feature.

What is it, Catalano?

Vincent. Right.

If she could hook you up, then you could, um, offer him a carrot?

A carous? You know, sex.

Everyone's at it.

Marilyn herself said, I fucked my way to the middle and worked my way to the

top.

Lisa Young, you saw the dinosaur. Some of my clients have had to fuck.

I have sacrificed my life for this throne.

Never to have children, never to know the love of another.

Oh, hiya, Jill.

Vincent? Yeah, could you get Horatio on the line for me, please? I want to talk

about putting the Caracthenian Wars back in the script.

I'll have to call yourself.

Yeah. Okay.

Thanks. Bye, Vincent.

You are not.

Yes, my people love me.

But they love an idea they do not know the person behind the crown.

No script.

It's basically a visual poem.

With no script.

Mike Lee does it all the time.

Look, Guido, you're the best editor in our year.

I don't think anybody else could help me pull this off.

We need you, man.

I will be honest.

I don't understand the idea.

I'm afraid of the idea. The idea...

intimidate me.

For this reason, I will do it.

Cool.

So, Nick, how about you? We need somebody big and strong to look after

Let's just make one thing clear.

I'm not just perfect physical specimen.

I have brain as well as body.

In my country, I study chemical engineering.

In the war...

and make biological weapons.

Very difficult.

I will watch you. I will learn from you.

One day I will become gifted filmmaker like you.

Grace. Penissimo.

I get the drinks.

So now we celebrate?

Yeah. You want some drugs?

It was all so sleazy. I mean, when did my agent turn into a pimp? Now, if I do

the short, I'll feel like I'm caving in to his suggestion and I'm only doing it

to get in with Debra Whitten. I mean, he'll see that as a license and start

offering me random insane things from a creepy showbiz pal.

Uh -huh.

I guess I've no choice. I have to just be polite and let Dottie down easy.

I mean, being honest, I've done enough studentship for two or three careers.

What do you mean, hmm?

You're supposed to say, no, honey, everything you've done is great.

No, honey, everything you've done is great. Sorry, babe, I'm playing online

Darren.

Jeremy called me the callback queen today.

As much as I hate it, the cheesy bastard's right. I mean, I can't seem to

gig lately.

Oh, no.

What's wrong with me?

Maybe it's this fringe.

Yeah.

Pete!

What? I'm trying to have a conversation with you. Yeah, well, I was already busy

with Darren before you even got here, so...

This is important.

I'm going through a stressful time.

Yeah, well, so is Darren.

You know what, Tom?

Oh, come on, babe.

No, sorry, I'm on the phone having a conversation.

Uh, Pickle?

Well,

I don't know what her problem is.

You have the dubious honour of being the only Irish man I've ever met who can't

hold his drink.

Hello? Kate?

Hey. I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

No, no.

Before you say anything, Kate, I just want to say something.

Okay. When I saw you in that play in Andrews Lane, like, years ago, you did

something to me.

Right. You touched me, I'm saying. Like, you touched me in a special place.

Ah.

What I'm trying to say is... What I'm trying to say is... I respect you. you

an actress.

I respect you as an actress.

And I would be honored.

If you would be in my film. If you'd be in my film.

Well, in that case, I would be honored to be involved.

You would?

Well, thank you so much. Thank you.

Thanks.

Legends.

I think we should go and rally up the troops.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Horatio.

Well, do you want to do this or not? Of course I do. Well, so do I. So what the

fuck are we arguing about then? I don't know.

Look, we've got to meet up on this. I hate talking on these poxy phones. Look,

get your girl to call my girl and we'll... Yeah.

Everything okay?

Cabin fever.

Followed to this place every time. It feels like Groundhog Day.

Well, darling, I'm going to have to love you and leave you.

Oh, you are joking, Deb. You can't go. Who am I going to talk to?

Of course I'm teaching and making their end -of -year short film.

So I've got to be there to give them a few pearls of wisdom before they embark.

That's funny.

Big girls in one of the films.

Kate Loughlin.

Irish girl.

Where's his course?

That's it?

Yeah. It looks like rocket launcher.

Look, let's just keep our reservations about the equipment to ourselves, okay?

We have reservations about the equipment?

No.

No, it's just not reservations.

Just being perfectionist, that's all.

But Kate, this is the guide. Guide, this is Kate.

You are a very attractive actress.

Thanks. I'm looking forward to getting stuck in and meeting everybody else.

Deborah should be here soon.

No? Cool.

Darling, well, have I got a surprise for you.

This, as I'm sure you all know, is Vincent Catalano.

Right. Well, Vincent has agreed to give you a bit of advice before you set off

to make your magnum.

Cheers,

Debs. Well, I can tell you lots of stories about where I've fucked off in

past. However...

There is one bit of advice I always give to young filmmakers, and they don't

teach you this at college.

Never work with children or actors.

Sorry. No offence.

Well, let's go and have a look at our equipment, and then you can all start

planning your shoot.

Jeremy, what have you done?

Keep it professional.

Hi. Kate, is it?

Mm -hmm. I'm so sorry about that actor joke.

I only started to break the ice. You know, some of these young filmmakers get

bit starstruck.

Yeah. Uh -huh.

Copy? No, thanks. I've edited my quotes.

Um, you know, I'm not saying that all actors are difficult, but I have had to

work my fair share of demons, you know.

Maybe.

You're just hiring the wrong actors.

Right, now pay attention, guys.

It's the sound.

Got that?

I really liked what you said the other day about the Prince of Chaos script.

You did?

Yeah, really good.

Thanks. And I was wondering if you fancy getting a drink later on and you can

tell me if you've got any more ideas.

You know what? I really prefer to keep professional and personal separate,

That's right.

And here, very important, the on -off button.

So you're doing this as a favour, then?

Pretty much, yeah.

Dahi's sister is my oldest friend from home, so... And you've got lots of

buttons here, which mean absolutely nothing.

Plus, I like to give a little back sometimes, you know, to people on the

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Like we all didn't get where we are on our own, right?

Exactly. Yeah, well, I think, if you're honest, we've all benefited from a

little bit of help and advice along the way, haven't we? I like that. Give a

little back.

It's nice. Now, make me something special.

Is that all understood?

A friend of mine once told me.

He said this industry is like a tree full of monkeys.

You've got the tree. That's the top.

And the monkeys at the top looking down.

All they get to ever see is all these admiring faces looking up at them in

And you get the little monkeys at the bottom.

And when they look up, all they get to see is a bunch of arseholes.

Yeah, that's very true.

Right.

My job done for today, at least.

Kate, thank you so much for taking part.

It means a lot. It's my pleasure, honestly, Deborah.

Well, shall we get started?

Yeah.

Kate got me thinking, you know, I might pop in on the guys every now and again,

you know, make sure they're all right.

Give a little back.

That's all right?

Yeah, sure, I'm sure that's fine. Great.

Right, shall we pack on with the script, then?

The script.

Seriously, who the fuck does he think he is? The script is the soul of the film.

Open it.

Jumped -up commercials director.

He's a traditionalist. He's a fucking big -headed wanker, that's what he is.

Maybe he's right.

I mean, what the fuck do I know, huh?

Sorry, it's an Irish thing.

Self -deprecation is beaten into it from a young age.

Get it from your gran, do you?

Amongst other things.

Yeah, like your hatred of the English.

I don't hate the English.

Well, I don't see why you should. We do share a monarch.

We do what?

We have the same queen, right?

No, we fucking don't. But I've seen the queen on Irish money.

Yeah, Northern Irish money, maybe. I'm from the Republic.

You know, the South, the bigger bit.

Oh, the bit we gave you back?

The bit that we fucking took back.

I knew it.

Nice boy on the outside, but scratch the surface and there's a raging militant

nationalist underneath.

Yeah, well, at least I don't bow and scrape to a family of inbreds just

they were born.

Fenian.

Monarchist.

Herit. Come on, you dirty Irish bastard.

Hey, easy on the... What the fuck do I have?

Ride me, you filthy terrorist fucker.

Babe?

Pete?

Pickle, gone to cheer up Darren, miss you.

Obviously not that much.

Well, monkey, are we at the top of the tree looking down or the bottom looking

up?

Look.

I left the central heating on.

Oh, poor baby.

You okay?

Uh -huh.

It's going to freak you out a bit.

It's just a bit of role play. It's fun.

You'll get used to it.

Rise and shine, sweetheart.

We've got a leading man to find.

So like the captain calls that there's no script, I'm just going to get you to

ad -lib the scenario and Kate here is going to work with you. What do you mean

there's no script?

It's like an improv audition.

Bollocks. There's always a script.

Not this time.

We're trying something different.

Bunch of fucking amateurs.

Don't call me.

Is there something wrong?

Did you read the brief?

It said Paul Athletic leading man type.

Yeah.

Hello. This looks a bit more promising.

Definitely.

Okay. Whenever you're ready.

So, can I... get you a...

drink?

Oh, sure.

Two... beer.

Please.

Everything alright?

Have you got something underneath the t -shirt?

Oh, it's just a bit of padding.

I didn't want to look too thin on camera there. The casting booth said athletic.

You have neck like chicken.

And you look like a fucking idiot.

Um, you've got a bit of... Wait, is that scalp dye?

My agent uses that.

All right, guys, I'm not interrupting anything, all right? So take a break,

okay? Everybody take a fucking break.

This is the last one.

How you doing?

I'm good, thanks. Yeah.

You relaxed?

Yeah.

I had a couple of pints before I came in.

Helps to loosen me up a bit, you know?

Alfred did 37 press -ups.

Okay. Sorry about that, Jerry.

You know what we're looking for, right?

Yeah, can I just say I like to keep things a bit loose in an improv.

It might be a bit dangerous, a little bit unconventional, but I've never been

one to shy away from the darker impulses. You know what I'm saying?

Cool.

In your own time?

Okay, one sec.

I was just sitting at the other end of the bar, sipping on my whiskey, when I

looked up from the bottom of my glass.

You know what I saw?

I saw a woman, desperately in need of a good fuck.

I don't know what kind of woman you are. Oh, don't give me that.

You're just like all the others.

Oh, innocence and light on the outside, when all you really want...

He's a great big cock.

Jesus Christ.

You touch her again and I'll fucking kill you. And then we take him outside

skin him like pig.

You all right, Kate?

Yeah, I'm fine, fine.

He's definitely the last.

At least he was a good actor, though.

No.

Great.

No leading man.

Oh, a little bit of excitement.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's all right.

Can I borrow you for a couple of hours tomorrow?

Strictly professional.

Honest.

I'd better be.

He wants me to go over to his place and read with another actor. It seems a bit

suspicious. I wonder, will Deborah be there?

Uh -huh. I mean, it could be a good thing, though. He thinks I'm good enough

test another actor against. That's got to be good, right? Oh, yeah.

Unless they're just using me as a glorified assistant.

He did think I was Deborah's assistant the first time I met him.

Oh, sorry, Dave.

It's a message from Darren.

What? Look, it's a long cat.

Sorry, babe.

I think I'll just go over there, take the temperature of the room, and take it

from there.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right,

so if there's even a hint of familiarity, you're out of there.

Professional, sober, serious.

Hey, you made it. Come in. You're going to have to help me out, though. Debsie's

trying to work her way through my entire wine collection.

OK.

Debs, take 10.

Debsie! Hi.

How are you?

Care to join me for a tip? Oh, no, thanks. I never drink when I'm working.

Oh, good for you, lovey.

Self -discipline.

Lacking in so many young actresses nowadays.

Of course.

I haven't got a jot of the stuff myself.

What wonderful toilet.

Here you have.

What vision of love, Leonard, did this creature have?

Sarah, this is Kate. Kate. Sarah. I'm delighted.

Such beauty.

Kate will be reading for Princess Grace.

Ah, my troublesome niece.

Caught up in a terrible scandal with that young vagabond from neighbouring

Caracasinia. Exactly. So, this scene is where Princess Grace confronts her uncle

about the dodgy dealings. Right.

He's got a wonderful eye, hasn't he?

Lovely.

Ben.

So, if you guys are happy, do you want to give it a whirl?

Sure.

Wonderful.

Don't worry about Terence. You just do your thing. Let him do his.

He's not exactly what I imagined Lord Crowell to be, though.

Just be ready and follow his lead.

Right, Debs, you ready?

Guys?

My lord, your emissaries have delivered an ultimatum to the prince of Caraxenia

in my name.

I demand to know the meaning of this. Silence!

Insolent child!

For months now, my spies have observed your subversive activities, reported to

me your seditious plotting.

Were your parents alive, they would be disgusted by your feeble, childish

attempts to drive our great kingdom to ruin. How dare you!

Speak to me in such a manner. I am queen in waiting of this land. You are a

foolish child.

I seek peace for our kingdom.

For too long you have brought our great land to the brink of destruction by

fostering hatred between our people and the people of Carithenia.

No more. You have defied me.

For the last time.

Guards! Take her away!

You cannot do this.

You know the people won't stand for it. The people will do as I tell them.

Lock her in chains.

This is the moment, uncle.

The moment you will remember and regret.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, you are breaking my heart.

All right, start again.

From the top.

Thanks for the lift. Oh, that's all right. It's my pleasure.

So do you want to come in for a while and say hello?

Um, no, I think I'll give it a miss.

Um, I don't suppose you're free this evening, are you?

Maybe. Well, I've got this little business dinner set up and I'd really

to be there. And there's someone I'd really like you to meet.

Keith. There you are.

Vincent. So I'll, uh, I'll catch you later then, yeah?

Later, alligator.

What?

I haven't heard that for ages.

Aw, it's really cute.

We've had a breakthrough.

Oh? Well, we were talking about the problem we have trying to find a leading

man. And we thought, why not think outside the box a bit?

Okay. Well, the whole film is about a woman trying to break free of

So why be conventional?

Why have a leading man?

Why not have two romantically involved leading ladies?

You mean lesbians?

It's genius.

And I've got a friend coming in later on. She's just perfect. You're going to

love her.

This should be interesting.

Hey, Vincent.

Do you mind if I ask you a little bit of advice?

Oh, sure.

What, are you having trouble with the film? I told you you needed a script.

it's not that.

You've got a bit of experience with women, right?

Sure, yeah.

You ever been with a woman who scares the shit out of you?

Well, what are we talking about here?

Role play.

Let me guess.

She's starting to intimidate you and you want to take back a bit of control.

Only one way to crack that knot, mate.

You've got to escalate.

Escalate? Yeah, raise the stakes.

You've got to grab the ball by the horn and run with it. You've got to take this

to a whole new level.

Right. Surprise her.

Do something unexpected.

You know, show you can be creative.

Cool.

Hey!

You all right, darling?

I've got feelings for you.

Thank you so much. Guys, this is Lucy, our love interest.

You're a very attractive actress.

Kate, this is Lucy, your object of desire.

You don't mind to kiss another girl, huh?

Nothing new to me, darling. I study at Central.

Same -sex experimentation is practically an entry requirement.

Oh my God, you're Vincent Catalano.

Guilty. Oh, I fucking love your movies, mate.

They're like totally epic, innit?

Innit.

You're getting them lips ready for me.

God, that's been some Catalano's a bit of all right, isn't it?

I guess, if you like that sort of thing.

What, too dark handsome and built like a brick shithouse?

His bicep's bigger than my head.

You should take a run at him.

I can't. I have a boyfriend.

Don't we all, darling?

I've never used my body in that way anyway.

Suit yourself.

Though if you're not interested, I might have a poppet in myself.

See ya.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's me. It's me.

For fuck's sake, Dahi. Of course it's you.

Stop ruining it. We're going back into the bathroom. Come back in here and you

do it properly next time, okay?

Shut the fuck up!

Bitch. Come on.

Don't stop.

I'm going to make you pay for everything you've done to my country.

Good. Good. Make me pay.

This is for the potato famine.

And this is for keeping Northern Ireland.

And this is for 800 years of oppression.

It's Annie Hall, isn't it?

A little Carrie Bradshaw?

Tea Daisy juice?

I'm not bad.

I'm just drawn that way.

Not really the impression we're trying to make tonight, eh, monkey?

Mm -mm.

Yes, definitely this one.

Hi.

Wow. Come in.

Oh, we're eating here?

Yep. I'm a bit of a whiz in the kitchen.

I didn't know what colour you liked, so I opened both. Oh, um... Ah, shit.

You're a rose drinker. No, actually, Vincent, there's something I think I

to tell you.

Oh, long's that thought. Here's the man of the hour.

This is Kate.

This is Horatio King, the author of the Prince of Chaos novel. Well, isn't she

the prettiest little thing?

Hi. And she got the party started with Alice. I like her already.

Oh, no, actually, I think I'll stick with Washer.

She's funny, too. You were right about this one, Vinnie.

Come on, let's eat.

I'm so hungry I could eat a small child.

So...

Young Vinnie here tells me not only are you in the running to play Princess

Grace, you've also had a few ideas about how we can improve my film.

My film, your books. My film.

Samantha.

Well?

Oh, not improve, really. Just a couple of tosses, all.

Such as?

Okay, well, the way the screenplay currently ends, it finishes with victory

the Battle of Randar. Right. And it's a great finish. Loads of action and drama.

Just...

There's this really lovely moment at the end of book one where Princess Grace

names Cal the Prince of Chaos. And I think that's the perfect scene to end

first film with.

Damn, son.

You were right about her.

I'll agree to that.

Oh, no, I shouldn't.

Now, you listen, young lady.

Something you may not know about Princess Grace is that she knows when to

regal, when to be dignified, and when to let her hair down.

I couldn't find a spoon.

You're living in a fantasy world.

The thing is, there's so many actors on the ladder that you've got to do

something really different to stand out.

You've heard of Robert, haven't you?

Of course.

He's a meaty fucker. Well, he used to say that the tough is in the choices.

Right. And I think that the best actors, the ones that have really made a name

for themselves, they're the ones that make the bravest choices.

Brave choices?

Yeah, something like totally unexpected.

Yeah. Like Harvey Keitel in Abel Ferrer's Bad Lieutenant.

And there's a scene where he has to show his character's descent into depravity.

And do you know what he done?

He played the whole scene, full frontal, stark bollock naked, letting it all

hang out.

Naked? Forgive the pun, but that takes a big old set of balls to do that.

You do not like this girl.

No, she's fine.

It's just... Like, have you ever been at the gym when a flashy, more muscular

guy came in and started throwing his weight around?

No. Well, can you imagine if that did happen?

I would not like it.

Well... I take care of it.

What? Wait, no!

Morning, Faith.

Hi. What, the cellar has a guy's stuff?

That's about to work out of us, isn't it?

You talk like Turkey.

Like a turkey.

Gobbily, gobbily, gobbily, gobbily.

Gobbily, gobbily, gobbily, gobbily, gobbily, gobbily.

Hello, darling.

Hello.

My name is Guido.

Guido.

Guido.

What the fuck name was that? Italian.

Ah, bonjour.

Guido. This is Nick.

He's from Eastern Europe.

Hello, Nick.

Hello.

He's fucking gorgeous.

You might remember Kate. She needs a break. I'm home.

Mrs. Carroll.

Long time no see.

Well,

isn't she the most gorgeous Irish colleague?

Joanne, you've met. This is Vincent and Lucy.

Mrs. H.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, yeah. Have you got Barry?

I'm over there. Of course you do.

The thing is, I want you right here.

Right now.

Boom. Cut.

Sorry, my bad.

Okay, let's reset.

Back to first position.

Settle everyone.

Roll sound and turn over.

Speed.

Brave choices.

Brave choices.

Mark it. Shot fixed.

Take 12.

Settle.

Clear frame.

And action.

The truth is... I love you.

Without you, I am nothing.

You hold my life in your hand.

Before you...

I'm naked.

Do you feel it?

Yeah.

I feel it.

Cut. Cut.

Interesting. Thanks.

How was that for camera? Well, I got a few spikes from Kate into the lens, but

otherwise it's good for me. Oh, yeah, sorry about that. I didn't really know

what was going on.

Kate, maybe try to focus more on Lucy.

It's a sexual awakening, you know, the culmination of years of pent -up

tensions. Try to make it more about her.

Yeah, sure, of course. Sorry.

Lucy, let's try a take where you keep your clothes on.

Whatever.

I fucking knew it.

It's a porno.

Bane.

What? What's the matter?

Nothing.

Well, I think it means hard to be a little bit pissed off considering my

girlfriend's been stuck in the face of another woman for the whole day.

OK, one, I have not been sucking the face off anyone for the whole day

that scene took a couple of hours tops. And two, it's my job.

Job?

What's that supposed to mean?

Listen, babe, I was talking to Darren and he said that in relationships, when

one person contributes 100 % of the income... Darren. ..the other non

-contributing partner can develop a sense of worthlessness and sink into

depression. Darren said this?

Yeah, he's worried about you.

And so am I.

Listen, babe, I think you maybe should find those promotional agencies you

worked for.

Babe, you know I hate that work. It's so destroying.

Look, if I get this Prince of Chaos gig, we'll never have to worry about money

ever again.

And in the meantime, don't you think you at least owe it to yourself to feel

like you're contributing little?

Hmm?

I'm just thinking of you, babe.

I... Hey, so, did you get my message about... Today?

Oh, that you have to leave after lunch?

Yeah, that's cool.

Okay, phew.

It's just, I can't be late for this meeting. It's a really important one.

okay. You'll still be at the wrap party later on, though, yeah? Yeah,

definitely. Can't wait.

Um, so what's the deal here?

Okay, well, I found this location when I was out for a walk one time. It is

incredible. I mean, I've seen nothing like it before in film. It's going to be

really unique.

Wow, sounds amazing.

Fuck.

Who are they?

We have to get out of here.

Hey!

It's the B team.

Shit. Well, well.

Come to our location to mop up our sloppy seconds, have you?

Oh, look, it's the Zoolander Brigade.

That's rich.

Coming from a team of immigrants and women.

There's only one woman on this team, Shorty, and she'll kick your fucking

in.

What's this?

It is other team from our class.

Gays.

Here, give me that.

Wait a minute.

Do you smell that?

Is that fish?

No, wait.

It's Mangina.

What's this, Mangina?

Oh, you should know.

You French faggot. I'm not French.

But you are a faggot.

Peter.

Hiya, boss.

Right, when shall I get set up?

Oh, my God.

That's Vincent fucking Catalano. How you doing, guys? Nice to meet you.

What, your friend has died?

Yeah, yeah, we're on the same page. A good friend of mine, Deborah Whitton,

tells me about this young director she's working with. Said I should keep an eye

on him.

Tell you what, I've learnt so much just watching this guy work, it's kind of

humbling.

You don't know how lucky you are, getting to work with him every day.

So, you're nearly done?

Yeah. Great, right, so me and Joanne are going to get set up over there, yeah,

boss?

Great, yeah.

Good luck.

Cheers, Vincent.

So, all with the mangina now, eh?

Peter, what are you doing here? I thought I'd bring you lunch for your

back at work.

You didn't have to do that. That's not a problem.

I thought you'd live too.

You know what? If I didn't know better, I think you didn't actually trust me to

go.

Is that her?

Who?

The girl you've been cheating on me with.

Peter, we've been through this.

I'm just kidding, babe.

Who's that with cake?

Boyfriend.

You'll be much happier back in the real world of making money, babe.

I do think you're making the right decision.

Stop perving. What? Can't I watch my girlfriend getting changed?

I haven't seen it all before, you know.

Do you think Lucy's way prettier than me?

What? No.

It's just the way Vincent looks at her. She's not my type.

She's blonde. She's beautiful. She's funny. Yeah, well, I think she's a bit

slut.

She's got amazing tits, though.

Well, if it isn't the prodigal daughter.

Return to the fold of her tail between her legs.

Hi, Barry.

Girls. You're looking at the best promo girl to ever grace the pages of a Zeon

marketing catalogue.

That is, until she decided to leave to live her life.

Guess the grass wasn't so green on Novosaday, Kate.

Can we just get on with this, please, Barry?

Whatever.

Right, let's get you look costumed up.

You can't be serious. We'll freak to death in those.

Oh, these are for the girls.

You won't have to worry about freezing, darling.

I don't bloody care, Martin.

I want a fucking pirate and a fucking princess.

If I weren't the cowboy and the fairy, I'd fucking tell you.

I'll call you back.

Well, aren't you a pretty picture?

You two, stop shaking.

Sorry, Barry.

Right.

20 % off chicken twirlers with these vouchers. With demon boy at the tills.

Stop fucking shaking!

Barry. I don't give a bollocks. Just stop it.

Look, Barry, I don't mean to be a pain in the ass, but you know I'm vegetarian.

It says it on my staff profile. I really don't think I should be promoting meat

products. Relax.

Little Miss Eco Warrior.

There's more meat in a crisp sandwich than there is in this processed muck.

Just put your fucking head on.

Get out there and chicken dance your little heart out.

And I'll be back in four hours. And I want all these flyers gone.

And I will be checking to see how many were redeemed at Attil's.

So don't even think about stuffing that in the bin. All right.

I guess I'm just worried.

You know, when you do something different, like really different, you

leave yourself open to ridicule.

All you need is for one person whose opinion people value to say that they

it, and the sheep will follow.

I know, but I want people to take it seriously.

I want to take it seriously.

That's what matters right now, that we all take it seriously.

Right?

Right.

Ridiculous.

the bloody house. It's not like they need me to pay rent.

I mean, just because they grew up with no money, they're forcing me to

experience manual labour.

It's a form of torture.

Tell me about it. It's like servitude or something.

Like, did I go to RADA for three years to stand in a shopping centre in a pair

of hot pants?

No. I'm a trained actress.

Reduced to the status of a bum!

It's from Whitnail, I know.

Is that an agency?

Come on, let's go stand under the handrail.

Yes, I fucking know what I'm talking about.

So you want to revolutionise the whole casting process?

No. Oh, you don't?

No, I know what you're thinking, but you've got to keep an open mind when it

comes to casting.

You can't just fix on the first girl who comes along and fits the part. So this

girl you thought was perfect? Oh, no, forget about her. No, I've got a new

I want to show you. A number one? Yeah.

She's brilliant.

Brilliant? Really?

Yeah. No, she's funny, intelligent, very talented.

She got a good rat?

Yeah, great tit.

I don't know, Vince. Okay, well, when... Look, I gotta check my schedule, man.

See if I have a window.

When you know, can you phone me back?

Yeah, fine.

Cheers.

Bloody Americans, eh?

This is Kate.

You know what to do.

Kate. Vincent, I've got something important I want to tell you.

I was speaking to Dahi. He told me you're in town. Well, I'm in town. Can

just call me back? It's urgent.

Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know anywhere in town where people meet,

you? Coffee shops, cafes?

Well, thanks, alligator.

Cute bear.

His name's Harvey. It's one of my boyfriends.

One of your boyfriends? How many have you got?

Well, there's Declan. We hang out together at school, hold hands and that.

helps with my homework.

Then there's William.

His parents are lonely, so we hang out on the weekends and, like, go out on the

yacht and stuff.

Steve's older. He's, like, 30. He buys you clothes and jewellery.

And Khalil is just really good -looking, but I just use him for sex.

Right.

You certainly seem to know a lot about men.

OK.

You're going out with this guy, right?

He's got a steady job, so he's paying most of the bills. Okay, actually, he's

paying all of the bills, but you've got this career where you need to be free at

a moment's notice. Wait, this guy, he's a man, right? He's not, like, a kid or

anything. No, he's a grown -up. Well, then it's his job, isn't it? Pay the

the farthest, lady.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, you've got to try this. It works for you every time, yeah?

When you go home, you apologise to him. But for what?

Anything. It doesn't matter. Just make sure he comes.

Now, I guarantee he's got something he's really guilty about right now.

How do you know? He's a bloke, isn't he? Anyway, he'll be feeling double guilty

once you start apologising.

Trust me, he won't be able to treat you like a princess again.

Do you really think that'll work?

Yeah. Listen, you do this right, he will start looking after you in the bedroom.

This is me.

Here, use this.

Oh, I couldn't. No, go on, use it.

Thanks.

I'm Kate, by the way. Tracy.

Good luck with it Kate.

Right Harvey?

Babe. Kate.

Darren. Kate, wait.

I should come with you. Just stay there.

I can have you explain. Darren, just fucking stay there.

Kate.

Don't. Baby, I can explain.

Oh, really?

Well, no, not really. I didn't mean for it to happen. It was an accident. An

accident? Really? You still...

your best friend's arse, was that it? No!

We had too much drink at lunch. Darren said that if you're able to kiss a girl,

then maybe I should experiment too.

This was Darren's idea?

Well, kind of, yeah.

Was it the first time? Did you use protection?

Yes, and yeah, of course.

Look, see?

You're a sick man, Peter.

Baby, please don't go. We can work this out. Stop!

Harvey?

Harvey?

Hold on, Harvey.

Come on, Harvey.

Kate! Jesus, what happened to you?

I wanted to apologise.

For what?

That was me in the chicken suit earlier.

I heard your conversation.

I didn't mean to listen in, but I was just so embarrassed to be in a chicken

suit and I didn't want you to think of... Tube's so low.

I can't, you're right.

That was you in the chicken suit?

No, Kate, hang on.

Where'd you get that?

Oh, of course.

Can you take that fucking shirt off?

Whatever.

Do you have the noise?

No, there's something wrong with Kate.

Such a beautiful town.

I don't know what nothing is.

Carry on walking.

I need you to leave, Peter.

Just for a couple of days until I get my stuff packed up.

Where are you going to go?

Back to Ireland with my tail between my legs. Where else?

You okay, babe?

Just thinking.

College will be over soon.

It's going to be weird, you know.

not knowing where you're going to be or who you're going to be with.

Are you getting serious with me?

Should I not?

Not yet.

Deborah, hi.

Sorry about that. I was out all day without my phone.

Listen, sweetie.

Vincent's meeting Horatio at his place.

It's something important, and he's simply insisting you attend.

Well, tell Vincent I'll be there.

I'm sure I'll see you later at the screening.

Wonderful. Okay, bye, Debs. Bye.

Will you stop pacing?

I've never had the head of a studio in my apartment.

I don't see any of my films here, Vincent.

Oh, you wouldn't, Chuck. All yours on VOD. You know, on my laptop for

You won't regret this, Chuck.

I can promise you that.

Hi. Look.

Miss Laughlin, my name is Chuck Rydell. Nice to meet you. Will you excuse me for

a moment?

Mr. King, Horatio, can I say something to you? Of course, darling.

Sit, please.

I've read all of your Prince of Chaos books.

I love them. I love everything about them. They speak of hope and honor, of

putting passion before obligation.

I believe reading a book, a great book, is like having a conversation with an

old friend.

A friend who shares your dreams and ideals.

I've read your books, Horatio King.

I know you.

I know you're not the kind of man who wants to make these movies for fame or

money.

You want to share your ideas with the world.

There are two types of actors in this business.

Jumpers and builders.

I'm a builder.

I've been grafting as an actor since I was 13 years old. I've suffered every

humiliation you can think of.

I'm in this for the right reasons.

Because it's what I love.

I've put in my time and I have worked bloody hard even to get where I am.

If you want to let some blonde bombshell come swanning in and blow you away with

nothing but her enthusiasm and her perfect tits, you go right ahead.

But this role, it's about something deeper.

It's about hope, dignity, and justice.

And above all, integrity.

Am I right?

If you don't understand that, then maybe you should consider whether you're the

right man for the job.

It was lovely to meet you. If you'll both excuse me, I have a screening I

to attend.

Right. Can everyone take their seats, please?

Come on. Your gran's nervous. There's no final case.

She'll be here. Come on.

Okay, we've got two screenings today, so I want to get through them quickly.

We'll have the director of each film up for a brief intro, and then we'll watch

the film and drinks afterwards.

First up is Jeffrey White.

Film should grab you by the balls, should touch your heart when you least

it, and with bluffing eyes should make you think.

Did that really just happen?

I've wasted my life. I'll miss my kids.

Nah, my life's gone.

At least I got a fucking dummy.

I was alive.

Eric. No, not me.

Just Eric.

Get in there, boy.

I've got something to tell you. No, wait. I am so sorry for barging in on

meeting with Horatio and that other guy. It was so unprofessional. I don't know

what came over me. It doesn't matter. No, it does.

I needed to say what I had to say, but I could have found a better way.

It must have been so embarrassing, and I know you hate actors behaving like

divas, but... I've quit.

What?

I've left the production.

is what you said.

But I didn't mean for you to throw it all away. That was just talk.

No, it wasn't.

Okay, no, I meant every word, but this is crazy, Vincent.

No, I don't need the money, and I don't need this dress.

And you were right.

I never understood the script.

I would have been miserable making that film.

I only done it because I had nothing about to focus on.

And now I do.

That must be the first film, didn't it? We can't miss Dahi.

God loves a trial.

I don't have a speech or a quote prepared, but when it comes to film, I

that the work should stand for itself.

I would like to thank, though, all the people that made this possible.

My crew, Joanne, Guido, Nick, and also my nan.

who let us use her house even when she thought we were making a porno.

Our mentor, Deborah, wonderful.

And Vincent, thanks especially for the advice about escalation. You worked a

treat. Why didn't we learn about escalation?

Wonderful, beautiful, talented Lucy. Thank you for being a breath of fresh

and for surprising us all with your brave choices.

And of course, Kate.

Kate, who is my inspiration for this film, this career, I thank you so much

taking this journey with me. You're never going to know how much it means to

OK.

Enjoy the film.

I dream of you in warm summer days.

Flowers bud and you are there.

A secret look.

A love forbidden.

Touche.

Your hand in mine.

I dream.

I dream.

I dream of you.

I am so fucking proud of you.

Hiya. I'm going to pop out. I'll catch you after. No, don't. Really, wait.

Honestly, call me.

We're chatting. Good to see you. I want to talk.

Darling!

You were fabulous!

Now, listen, I've got a casting next week, directly flying in from New York,

big perv. Oh, thanks.

I'll give your agent a ring. Yeah, me too.

Baby,

I love you.

Okay, okay, Nan, you're embarrassing me. Shut up and listen to me. Now, you see

this young one here?

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, forgive me, but I like her. Even though she's English, I

like her. Thanks. Shut up, you. Now, you listen to me.

If you harm a hair...

Okay.

Okay. Good.

Now kiss her for Jesus' sake.

Go on.

You're a fucking wanker.

You're a fucking spoiled child.

Don't you have to be... I slipped out.

I couldn't let you go without saying... Kate Lachlan, for once in your life,

you're going to shut up and you're going to let me talk.

OK.

So talk.

Well, now you've put me on the spot, I've kind of run out of things.

I had some really good stuff prepared as well.

Oh.

I'm just a boy standing in front of a girl.

You complete me.

Is it raining?

Just tell me what you're thinking.

You're the most beautiful, incredible, talented, knowledgeable, feisty, yeah,

infuriating. You had me at incredible. Kind of started going downhill from

there. I've never known anyone like you. And it's not fair that you can do this

to me. Some days you challenge me and you make me feel like a total idiot.

And other days you make me feel like a giant.

And I was thinking what you said earlier, and it made me realise what I

want.

It also made me realise what I do want.

And I want to make real films, about real people with real issues.

And I've got enough money, so we can do this ourselves.

We?

Yeah.

I want you to do this with me.

And I want you to be with me.

I'm not one of your groupies.

I'm not some easy lay.

I know you're not, Kate.

And I've had to work harder and dig deeper than I've ever done in my life

to get you to like me.

It's a voicemail from my agent, Jeremy.

What?

Kate, what?

Miss Lachlan?

Yeah. They're almost ready for you. If you'd like to follow me?

The Battle of Randor's already started, so we'll be taking you through shortly.

They're really enjoying it.

Would you mind waiting here for a second?

Won't be a moment.

Dolly!

Kate! Oh, my God, hi!

Guys, check you out.

Oh, are you here for the Q &A?

Um... They're the Keith Louthy retrospective all this week.

They're showing the decalogue.

Oh, of course.

So, have you picked out a name yet? Patrick, if it's a boy.

Paddy. After my dad.

And if it's a girl? Elizabeth.

After... The Queen.

Oh. Okay.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, no.

Guys, this is Roger, my new agent. He's very particular how I appear in public.

Roger? Not before lunch.

Isn't she amazing?

Are you guys fans?

Oh. We should get a picture. That would be adorable.

Especially with a little bump.

You can touch it if you like.

I'll go and find Vincent.

Well, he's colourful. Yeah, he's eccentric, but he really knows his

You all right, babe? Hi, hon.

You remember... Dorothy!

And Joanna.

It's Dorothy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Check this out. Will you please stop showing that to people? It's our new

Beyond the Veil. Yeah, it's Kate in a burqa with the American flag in the

background. For civil liberty, she will forfeit her freedom.

It's a what -if. What if America was a Muslim state?

Wow.

Darling, they're ready for you now. Uh, duty calls.

Listen, it was great to run into you. Enjoyed the decalogue all ten hours of

I'll see you in them. See you.

My lady.

We are victorious.

Your troops turned the tide.

Then there is hope.

My love.

Randar is ours.

But your uncle's army is vast.

We cannot possibly hope to defeat him enough in battle.

Then you must choose where to fight.

Defeat our enemies in the shadows.

Become the nightmare that haunts their dreams.

Become the Deathbringer of prophecy.

Become the Prince of Chaos.

And without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Princess Grace

herself, Kate Loughlin!