Original subtitles

Yann Le Bon, we honor your life and return your soul to Van Halen.

It was great the temp agency could have you fill in for Claudio on such short

notice.

By the way, I wanted to thank you that Chinese restaurant you recommended.

Sure thing.

Ancient Studies.

She's kind of busy, actually. Can I take a message?

It's the president of the college.

President Morris Nigel Bailey. Sorry for the confusion she's temping.

We're not busy at all.

Well, that is to say, we're not not busy. We're always busying ourselves,

striving to be busy, but never too busy to take your call.

Yes, I have a pen far away.

I haven't finished.

No, it's on you.

You're going to want to hear this.

Okay.

There's a visiting professor from the University of Northeastern South Africa

his way to see you right now.

Why?

The university promised your services.

You're to help him find the...

of King Jan I of Norway.

There's more.

This is the bit that might not sit so well.

The professor is... Stewie!

Sweet tea!

I don't care how much money you've donated to this university, Stewie.

I'm not helping you find anything.

Look, Sidney, I need you.

You're the best in the business.

Sid, this could also be a very exciting historical find.

University of Northeastern South Africa?

It's an hour outside with Zambia.

Look, they're the only people that had the wisdom enough to accredit me.

You brought them.

I gave them a donation.

Look, Sid, I know what you're thinking, but I've changed. I mean, I've cleaned

up my act. I'm a different guy.

And it's all because of you.

Me? Yeah.

I mean, that last experience that we shared in the belly of the Buddha, I

it forced me to take a real hard look at myself.

And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw.

I don't blame you.

Yeah, and then when you sent me that very expensive ancient coin as a gift.

It was a mistake.

But still, it struck a very, very deep, deep chord inside of me.

Mr. Fox, here's the files you asked for.

Oh.

Who's the new pork chop?

Well, even the commonest of criminals can be rehabilitated, Sidney. We're

talking about Stewie here, Nigel. You think President Morris will understand?

He's going to have to, because there is no way I'm going to Sweden with Stewie

Hart.

When you come back, do you think you could bring me a rhinestone, too?

That's runestone, Lynette.

Runestone? What's a runestone?

In medieval times, it's how people wrote messages, notes. They used to chisel it

out in stone.

Oh, sort of like a post -it.

Sort of.

Sort of.

Hello.

Welcome to the Viking Cafe.

How are you today?

Very well, thank you.

All of our grand platters are served on scaled -down versions of orbos,

authentic Viking ships.

And you'll notice your steak knives were modeled after broadswords from the

Anders the Great dynasty.

The Celtic cross found its way into the crust after he conquered County Donner

in southern Ireland.

That's very clever, isn't it, Sydney?

Could I have a Coke?

Me too.

Hi. Sorry, I had to make an important phone call. Can I get you something?

Uh, yeah, I'll have a bottle of your breast beer, please. I mean, the best

breast. I mean... Yeah.

Great place, huh?

I just want you guys to know it is so nice to be working with each other as

opposed to against each other.

You know, we really are of the same ilk.

We are not of the same ilk. Sure we are.

Dewey, whatever ilk you're from, I'm from a different one.

It's like Futhark. Around the 11th century?

Or the 10th. Yeah.

I can't decide for that.

Looks like we're going to need a translator.

Fantastic.

I've never seen anything like this before.

What does it say?

It's Futhark.

Very primitive form.

Godkirk. Runic.

It's a...

It refers to a runestone. We know that part. Tell us something we don't know.

Yes.

Something about it being the cornerstone of a great holy place.

A sacred temple where the axes cross the line of the great arrow.

What the hell does that mean?

Is there anything else, Lord?

Not without the rest.

The rest?

Well, this... A parchment was torn from a book, a text written by a Viking

shaman. Listen, forget about that part. Get back to the part about the axis that

crosses the line of the sacred arrow. What the hell does that mean?

I don't know. I have no idea.

You don't know?

I'm a translator. I don't have a degree in mythology.

Ten century Stockholm.

That Lars made me a copy.

What? You wouldn't be hiding something from us, would you, Stewie?

What could I possibly be hiding? Lars mentioned a book.

Text written by a Viking shaman.

Same book that this page was torn out of. You know, I am so offended by this.

You're trusting me. This is the new me.

Why are you acting so weird? That's the old me.

All right.

Let's get back to the clues.

How?

The runestone is in a holy place where the axes cross the line of the great

arrow. Now, the axes in translation refers to the clan of Anders the Great,

known as Anders the Axe. Now, their village was here.

What does the great arrow mean?

Perfect timing.

Hello again. You guys are eating a lot?

We really love the service.

Um, I was wondering...

The historical bits that you tell the customers, interesting as they are, are

they at all accurate or are they just made up?

Completely accurate.

Would you know anything about the meaning of the great arrow?

Oh, yeah, Thursday's lunch specials, Swedish meatball. Oh, no, actually,

I meant historically.

Oh, the great arrow.

It was a large wooden structure built...

In the forest, pointing travelers directly north, right here.

All right.

If your waitress is correct, the Great Arrow would be

here.

Now, Andert Klan's village is here.

Well, where does the axe cross the line of the Great Arrow?

The village was built about a mile inland from where they kept their ships,

which meant they would have to travel every day to the village. Now, if we

continue a line north, going in the same direction as the Great Arrow, that

should put our runestone in a holy place somewhere in this vicinity.

Yeah, but wait a minute. Now, this is the 10th century map.

Where is this vicinity?

Oh, we'll get a present -day map and lay it over this.

Should only be a few miles to cover.

There's one more place to check out off of this.

It's a church.

Built in 1925.

Still, the monument could be inside.

Let's check this place out first.

It could be a monastery or a nunnery.

At least 100 years old. Well, it's a holy place, ain't it?

Hey, wait a minute. What about this?

Oh, great. It's in Swedish.

Well, we are in Sweden, Stewie. Ja, we are.

Well, this I can translate.

Holy dwellings have occupied this site for over 900 years.

This present building is a former home of the Sisters of Magdalene Monastery.

Erected on the grounds is a monument using stones from the original Viking

temple. That's it. It's got to be here.

I wonder what kind of holy place it is today.

Can I help you?

Why, leave it to the Swedes, huh?

This the spa?

That's right.

Uh, a clothing optional spa?

No. Oh, thank God.

A nude -only spa.

I'm not going in there.

There's a chance the runestone is in the monument.

No, excuse me, they're...

They're letting it all hang out nice. That's what they're doing.

Look, if we're going to find that runestone, we've got to go in there,

up, suck it in, and do the nasty thing that's got to be done.

I don't think so.

Why? What's the matter?

If I go in there with you, I'm liable to end up in jail or, at the very least,

uncontrollably nauseous.

Nigel and I will take care of this. Why don't you take a walk and cool it off?

Sidney, are you sure Stewie can't be any use to you in there? I mean, after all,

he is a changed man.

Nigel. I can't. You can.

I can't. You can't. It's just a body. It's my body and your body and... What's

the matter? You've got a nice body.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Nigel, if it makes you feel any better, I won't look. I promise I won't look.

You won't look. I won't look. We just won't look. We won't look at anything

stones. Stones that look like rune stones.

All right?

Okay. Good.

Come on.

Be out of the cold water.

Let up once you go this way I'll go that way alone like this

Sorry. Sidney, I'm sorry. I didn't say a thing.

Did you peek?

No, I did not peek.

But I do think I found it.

Hmm? There.

Great. Yeah, it looks like the stones are constructed in a free -form manner.

No mortar, just piled one on top of each other.

Gotta be one of the smallest stones near the foundation.

There, we should be able to just wedge it out.

One problem, though.

What? Her.

I see your point. We can't just go pulling out stones in front of her.

Well, we'll just have to ask her to move.

How?

I leave that in your capable hand.

Me?

Excuse me.

I was just thinking, um...

Maybe you should move your chair.

Why?

Why?

Why indeed, um... The sun.

It's in the wrong position for optimal tanning.

Yeah. Yeah, I do get burned sometimes.

Your cheeks are a bit red.

No, I didn't mean those cheeks. I mean, I wasn't looking at those cheeks. I

mean, not that I wouldn't want to look at those cheeks. I mean, I'm sure

very nice cheeks. I mean, what do you expect? I mean, you're naked.

I'm naked.

We're all naked.

This is it. Yeah. See the engraving?

It's moving.

Pull it out.

One stone, nobody will ever miss it.

Yeah, but how are we going to get it out of here? What do you mean?

We're not exactly wearing pockets.

Well, you guys have been so great, and I really mean that. But listen, I better

get this thing back to the university as quickly as I can, okay?

Oh, Sid, thank you so much. You're the best.

Nice. I love you. All right, listen, I'm going to grab a cab, and I'll go

straight to the airport, and I'll call you from Africa.

Dewey? Yeah?

Can we see it?

See what?

The runestone.

You already saw it.

Well, we were kind of in a rush at the time. Just let me see it.

Sid, I'm going to miss my cab to the airport. I'd better get going. Stewie.

Well, it is what he said.

King Yan's runestone. Amazing.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

You said it was King Yan I.

I can't read the futag, but this is definitely the crest of Yan II.

Uh -huh.

This is King Yan II's runestone.

Well, first or second, what difference does it make, really?

King Yan II was also known as Yan the Bold.

who plundered vast fortunes from across Europe. Which nobody ever found.

No kidding. Well, I didn't know that.

I'll make sure they put that on the plaque because I don't want them to get

wrong.

Give it!

Hey!

Way to go, Sid. Way to go.

I can't believe we got mugged in Sweden.

Those guys weren't muggers.

I wonder what they wanted from us.

Good question.

The engravings are futarch, like the parchment.

I guess we're going to be visiting our friend the translator again.

I wonder what that eight -legged horse means.

Fletner, Odin's horse.

You must really like the service here. Back three times.

Yes, we do.

Here we go again.

Listen, about this horse.

Modem, is that what you said?

Odin, main god of the Vikings.

That's right.

His horse's name was Sleipnir, and it had eight legs, so it would never tire.

With all the walking around on this trip, I could do with another set of

myself.

Nigel, you should probably head to the translator's office now.

I'm a relic hunter, too.

Hello?

Lars?

Anybody home?

There doesn't seem to be anybody here.

Strange.

Why don't you leave him a note? Have him call us.

Right.

Well, it's nay on the note.

Either Lars was in the wrong place at the wrong time or he discovered

he wasn't supposed to. Like what?

A pretty good idea.

Sidney, look.

There are ash marks on Lars' fingers.

Photograph recently burned.

So he wanted to get rid of it in a hurry before someone came after him.

Look at that above the address.

I didn't suppose.

7070 Ringwagen.

Get the feeling it's not a Bible study?

Bjorn, the other translator.

That's him.

Lars must have discovered their secret cult.

So they killed him.

Run us!

There's a field among us.

There's one.

So wretched in his obscenity that he would take our great book and sell it

to the outside world.

Let me tell you, brothers.

We, we are diligent in our security.

And though we practice the ways of the ancients, we do not ignore.

The ways of technology.

Your sale of our book is known.

It will be recovered.

So that once more, it rests alongside the star of Odin.

The star of Odin.

Our key to unlocking the secret of Yonderworld's treasure.

So, brother, you will have time indeed to reflect upon your actions.

Inhale!

Thank you.

Well, I guess we took care of those guys, huh?

Not so fast, Professor.

I want the truth and I want it now.

What's the story with this book?

What do you mean by story?

You know what I mean.

Look, can't we talk about this later? There's 20 bloodthirsty vikings about to

get in here. And I'll throw you to them if you don't come clean right now.

All right, look, but can't we talk about it somewhere else?

Oh, great. I can get us out. But first, you tell me what the hell's going on.

Oh, okay, look. I got a line on this rogue viking. A really weird dude, you

know, like these other choir boys.

He told me he stole the book and he contacted me on my website.

Your website?

Yeah, you don't have one?

Go on.

The lock.

Anyway, I bought the book from him. We did it all by email. I mean, I never

met the guy.

So where's the book?

Take this out.

The whole book? The whole book and nothing but the book.

You didn't show us the rest of the book because we'd know it was beyond the bold

and we wouldn't help you. You'd have all the treasure for yourself.

What are you, a teacher's pet?

So the book got us to the runestone. That's right.

And now we've got the key to Yon the Bold's treasure.

Star of Odin? You took the Star of Odin? Uh -huh. Now we have everything we need

to find Yon the Bold's secret loot.

Except a translator.

Yeah. Let's go!

Don't kill me, please.

Did Lars plead with you for his life, too?

I didn't kill Lars.

I only told the leader that he knew about us.

That the leader had him killed.

It's the truth.

I'll do anything.

Yes, please.

Take the knife away.

The tablet refers... to a sacred field.

The House of Soul.

Where? I don't know.

I don't.

But... But what?

If you do find it, according to the runestone, it's cursed.

What kind of curse?

It says, Yon the Bold cleansed his thirst for riches where dead men rest.

And all those who search for his treasure will sleep among them.

Well, a fat lot of good this is going to do us. And we don't even know what or

where this House of Souls is. And at this hour, who are we going to find out

from?

Hello. Hello.

Again.

You're not coming here just for the food, are you?

No. I just have a quick question.

Have you ever heard of a house of souls other than an appetizer or a dinner

special?

Oh, yes.

This is one of the most revered legends in all of Viking history.

The House of Souls was a very holy place.

Only the bravest warriors were allowed to enter. Many never returned.

Sidney!

Stewie!

The runestone translation.

I quench my thirst for a dead man's sleep.

Quenching his thirst.

He was talking about a well.

Here, help me get this off.

Yeah, let me hold this.

Thanks.

Oh, yeah.

This is it.

This has got to be it.

Well, don't just stand there. Go down and get it.

Stewie, make yourself useful and give us some light.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

This is not good. Now what are we going to do?

Maybe we should go down there and have a look around.

Climb down the walls?

Stewie, give me the light. I'll hold the light. You guys go down.

Stewie, give me the light. No, I want to hold the light. No, no, no.

What I think just happened... Happened?

I guess we're going down.

All of us.

You got me? Yeah.

Don't just drop.

Stewie!

That's nice.

The eight -legged horse will show us the way.

You did it.

Well, you've helped us, Bjorn.

So I'm going to spare you.

Thank you.

Call the others. I don't want him to live to see another sunrise.

It looks kind of small.

I think a rat like you would feel right at home in there.

This is life, man.

This has

got

to be it.

Viking burial ground.

You on the boat?

Yeah, but where's the treasure?

Mr. Arvoden.

Ah, look at this.

have to come back for the rest of this stuff later.

This isn't ours, Stewie.

Right.

These are precious artifacts that belong in a museum.

Museum, schmuseum. Who's going to stop us? The Viking police?

That's right.

We've been waiting a long time for this.

I'll bring the bag.

Why didn't I bring the bag?

I'll be right with you.

Take 20 % of the loot.

I'll take the rest.

Every penny of this is going to a museum, Stewie.

30%. Every penny.

44?

You know what?

You're right, Stewie.

It's not so bad when we work together.

Claudia, you're back.

How was the root canal?

Nothing I couldn't handle.

Why are you so happy?

Oh, just a friend coming over from Sweden on a work study for a few weeks.

what, some bimbo you met in a Swedish bar? She is not a bimbo, and it was a

restaurant, as a matter of fact.

Where's Lynette?

We don't need her.

But we already hired her to finish out the week. Nigel, she completely messed

the filing system. I mean, limp biscuit in the acid jazz section?

What's she thinking?

I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

She's in a totally evil mood.

Why? Don't know. She got some invitation for dedicating a new wing of the museum

to some guy.

Who? Some professor from the University of Northeastern South Africa.

Please join us for a dedication ceremony unveiling a new wing of the museum, the

Harper Wing, honoring Professor Stewie Harper, scholar, philanthropist, and

generous donor.