Original subtitles

WHO PUT THE ORANGE SLICES IN THE PUNCH BOWL ALREADY?

THEY'LL BE SOGGY BY THE TIME EVERYONE GETS HERE.

THIS IS A DISASTER, PEOPLE!

YEP--FIRST, TYPHOID FEVER.

NOW THIS?

SHAWN, THIS NIGHT HAS BEEN 13 YEARS IN THE MAKING.

EVERYTHING HAS TO GO PERFECTLY.

WHAT I NEED FROM YOU

IS YOUR SUPPORT AND YOUR COOPERATION.

NOT YOUR SARCASM AND MOCKERY.

OKAY, BUDDY.

LET ME KNOW WHEN I CAN MOCK,

'CAUSE I'M READY TO MOCK.

WHERE'S YOUR GRAD PIC?

OH, YEAH, I'M NOT GONNA WEAR MINE.

SHAWN, COME ON. DON'T DO THIS TO ME.

YOU KNOW THAT WAS MY THING.

INSTEAD OF NAME TAGS,

WE'LL KNOW WHO EVERYONE IS

FROM THEIR CLASS PICTURE.

GREAT IDEA, RIGHT?

IS IT MOCK TIME YET?

JUST PUT IT ON, SHAWN.

OKAY, FINE.

EXCUSE ME.

THERE. YOU HAPPY NOW?

SHAWN, THAT ISN'T YOU, IS IT?

NO, IT ISN'T.

IT'S JUDD NELSON, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS,

AND IT'S SWEET, SWEET, NICE.

WHOA, LOOK WHO JUST ROLLED IN.

MOLLY RINGWALD AND ANDREW MCCARTHY.

[laughs]

FROM FRESH HORSES.

(Gus) THAT'S HOWIE TOLKIN.

HE WAS OUR QUARTERBACK JUNIOR AND SENIOR YEAR.

WE HAD A FOOTBALL TEAM? YES.

TACKLE? SERIOUSLY?

WHO'S THE PROM QUEEN?

SHE'S THE PROM QUEEN. EILEEN MAZWELL.

YOU REALLY DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THIS?

THEY'RE MARRIED NOW.

DUDE, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME

ABIGAIL LYTAR WAS COMING.

OH, YEAH.

[chuckles]

I SHOULD-- SHOULD SAY HELLO.

ABIGAIL LYTAR.

JUDD NELSON.

IN THE FLESH.

I LOVED YOU IN FROM THE HIP.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE THOSE WHO BELIEVE

I FLARED MY NOSTRILS TOO MUCH IN THAT FILM.

OH, NO.

I MEAN, HOW ELSE COULD WE HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN

HOW [inhales] ANGST-RIDDEN YOU WERE?

I AGREE.

SO...

YEAH, SO...

(Gus) SHAWN.

HELLO, ABIGAIL.

HI.

I NEED YOU TO GO TO THE CAFETERIA

AND GRAB ANOTHER STACK OF FOLDING CHAIRS FOR ME.

WE'RE ALREADY SHORT.

CONSIDER IT DONE.

ONE PROBLEM: WHERE'S THE CAFETERIA?

DID YOU EVEN ATTEND THIS SCHOOL?

JUST GRAB THE CHAIRS.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.

MAYBE ABIGAIL COULD HELP YOU.

I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT VERY MUCH.

YOU REALLY DON'T REMEMBER

WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN US IN HIGH SCHOOL, DO YOU?

STERN'S WHARF SENIOR YEAR.

THE CARNIVAL ON THE PIER.

YOU PURSUED ME, LIKE, EVERY DAY OF SENIOR YEAR.

AND THEN I FINALLY AGREED TO GO OUT WITH YOU,

AND THEN YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP.

I...UH, YEAH.

YES.

HERE'S THE THING, ABIGAIL.

AND NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE KNOW THIS.

I WAS ACTUALLY WORKING AS A MIDWIFE BACK THEN.

FAMILY BUSINESS.

AND I GOT A CALL FROM A CLIENT LATE AT NIGHT

GOING INTO LABOR.

34 HOURS.

THAT'S A LOT OF SCREAMING, FAIR AMOUNT OF PUSHING,

SOME DILATION, TONGS.

OH, I CAN SEE WHERE IT WOULDN'T

HAVE OCCURRED TO YOU TO CALL ME.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS 13 YEARS AGO.

HARDLY MATTERS NOW.

EXACTLY IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

IT'S LIKE FOREVER AGO.

WE'RE ADULTS NOW, DOING ADULT THINGS.

AND YOU'RE A TEACHER. THAT'S FANTASTIC.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

OR ARE YOU STILL IN MIDWIFERY?

NO, NO.

I'VE DABBLED IN QUITE A FEW THINGS, ACTUALLY.

BUT I LANDED QUITE NICELY ON PSYCHIC DETECTIVE.

[laughs]

THAT'S FOR REAL.

WHO WOULD ACTUALLY CHOOSE TO BE A PSYCHIC?

FIRST OF ALL, IT'S A GIFT.

IT'S NOT A CHOICE.

AND I HAPPEN TO BE VERY, VERY GOOD AT IT.

[stifles laughter]

I SOLVE CRIMES

FOR THE SANTA BARBARA POLICE DEPARTMENT.

IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

YOU SOLVE CRIMES?

ALL THE TIME.

[chuckling]

OKAY, WELL, YOU BE SURE TO LET ME KNOW

IF YOU SENSE THAT, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE HERE AT THE REUNION

IS GONNA STEAL MY LUNCH MONEY.

[laughs]

THAT'S VERY CLEVER.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

WHAT, IS SOMEONE GETTING THEIR LUNCH MONEY STOLEN?

I THINK IT'S A LITTLE BIT BIGGER THAN THAT.

[The Friendly Indians' I Know You Know]

*

* I KNOW YOU KNOW

* THAT I'M NOT TELLING THE TRUTH *

* I KNOW YOU KNOW

* THEY JUST DON'T HAVE ANY PROOF *

* EMBRACE THE DECEPTION

* LEARN HOW TO BEND

* YOUR WORST INHIBITIONS

* TEND TO PSYCH YOU OUT IN THE END *

* I KNOW YOU KNOW *

(Shawn) SOMEONE WAS MURDERED HERE.

I AM ABSOLUTELY 100% CERTAIN

THAT I SENSED A BODY DROP HERE.

RIGHT HERE.

I DON'T KNOW WHO.

BUT I CAN SEE

HE WAS WEARING A...

LETTERMAN'S JACKET OF SOME SORT.

ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME ON PURPOSE?

ARE YOU FABRICATING SOME KIND OF FOUL PLAY

JUST TO MESS UP THE NIGHT FOR ME?

YES, I AM.

I KILLED SOMEONE HERE AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

JUST TO FOIL YOUR

13-YEAR VIDEO RETROSPECTIVE

OF BEST PEP RALLY MOMENTS.

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A PEP CAPTAIN IS, SHAWN?

YEAH, HE'S A MALE CHEERLEADER I BELIEVE.

IT'S A LEADER AMONG MEN,

SHAWN.

A LEADER AMONG MEN.

WHO CHEERS.

I SAW BRING IT ON.

OH, WAIT, I GET IT.

YOU GUYS ARE DATING.

YOU'RE TOGETHER.

EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE.

WE ARE NOT DATING.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HE WAS VOTED MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED.

THINK HE'S GONNA DATE ME?

NO BODY, NO CRIME, SHAWN.

GUS, BUDDY--

NO BODY, NO CRIME.

(Shawn) GUS!

(Gus) NO BODY, NO CRIME.

HE'S JUST GONNA KEEP SAYING THAT, ISN'T HE?

I BELIEVE SO. YES.

BYE.

BUT...

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME EITHER?

NO BODY, NO CRIME, SHAWN.

BUT...

ABIGAIL.

[suspicious music]

HELLO?

HEY, HI.

HENRY?

YES, YES, IT'S ME, HENRY, YOUR EX-HUSBAND.

(Henry on phone) LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

BUT, UH... HOW YOU DOING?

GREAT. AND YOU?

GREAT. DOING GREAT.

WELL, THERE'S THAT.

HEY, MAD, LISTEN.

I'M JUST ABOUT TO COOK UP A STEAK HERE,

AND I'VE GOT ANOTHER ONE SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO IT.

I WAS JUST THINKING, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU'RE HUNGRY, YOU COULD, UH,

WOULD YOU--

OR NOT.

I, UH,

HONESTLY, I WOULD LOVE TO TASTE ONE OF YOUR STEAKS.

BUT I JUST HAD A DELICIOUS SALAD FROM ROOM SERVICE.

OH, OKAY.

HEY, NO BIGGIE. I, YOU KNOW...OF COURSE.

I JUST WAS CONCERNED THAT YOU HADN'T EATEN

AND NOW THAT I KNOW THAT YOU HAD SALAD,

I FEEL BETTER AND, UH... BA-BA-BOO.

[laughs nervously] OKAY.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

YOU TOO.

OKAY. BYE NOW--

BA-BA-BA-BOO?

[dance music]

OKAY, DUDE, I THINK I'M ON TO SOMETHING.

NOW, TRUE, THERE MAY NOT BE AN ACTUAL BODY.

BUT I AM TELLING YOU THAT A VERY REAL CRIME

WAS COMMITTED HERE AND THERE IS VERY REAL EVIDENCE.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE SOME EVIDENCE

OF SOME FOLDING CHAIRS, SHAWN.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY,

THEN I WILL PULL OUT THIS PHONE,

AND I WILL CALL LASSITER.

HEY,

COULD YOU START DISTRIBUTING THESE BALLOTS

FOR THE REUNION KING AND QUEEN TO EVERYBODY?

DIALING. [phone beeping]

CONNECTING. [phone rings]

RINGING.

[phone rings]

LASSITER,

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT OUR REUNION?

WELL, FIRST OFF,

OF COURSE IT HAD TO BE YOURS,

'CAUSE THAT'S MY LUCK.

AND SECONDLY,

I'M ON A DATE.

WELL, WE'RE ON A CASE, AND YOU'RE ON IT WITH US.

NOT TONIGHT I'M NOT.

ON A DATE? WITH A PERSON?

YES, WITH A PERSON.

BLONDE, YELLOW DRESS.

MINDY HOWLAND?

MM-HMM.

ISN'T THAT THE GIRL WHO STUFFED BOBBY COBETTS

IN HIS OWN CAR TRUNK WHEN HE WOULDN'T KISS HER

AT THE SPRING FLING?

WE MET AT THE SANTA BARBARA BOWL

AT THE RAVI SHANKAR CONCERT

LAST WEEK,

AND SHE ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE.

WHO GOES TO SOMEONE ELSE'S REUNION

WHEN THEY BARELY EVEN KNOW THEM?

WHO GOES TO A RAVI SHANKAR CONCERT?

LOOK, I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS A REUNION

UNTIL I SHOWED UP.

BUT WE HAVE A VERY DEEP CONNECTION.

SAME CONNECTION YOU HAVE WITH THE SITAR.

WHERE'S MY PUNCH, COREY?

YEAH, WHERE'S HER PUNCH, COREY?

HELLO, MINDY. YOU LOOK...NICE.

OH, GIVE IT UP, BUTTON-UP.

I ALREADY HAVE A DATE TO THIS THING.

MINDY, IT'S OFFICIAL.

YOU'VE WON BITCHIEST BANANA.

AND NOW I AM GOING

TO BORROW DETECTIVE LASSITER

FOR AS LONG AS I'D LIKE.

DETEC--

WAIT, HE'S A COP?

ALL RIGHT, I HAVE TO BE DISCREET.

GUS HAS A VERY WEAK CONSTITUTION FOR THESE SORT OF THINGS.

I WITNESSED A MURDER HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT? WHO?

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?

I DIDN'T ACTUALLY SEE ANYTHING.

I PSYCHICALLY WITNESSED IT WITH MY THIRD EYE.

WHERE'S THE BODY?

THERE'S NOT ONE.

LISTEN UP.

LET ME IMPART TO YOU A LITTLE POLICE WISDOM

WE LIKE TO THROW AROUND DOWN AT THE STATION.

NO BODY, NO CRIME.

WHAT, DO YOU GUYS PUT THAT ON A T-SHIRT?

FINE. WHO DID IT AND WHY?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT...

I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU HAVE A MURDER WEAPON?

NO.

WELL, THEN GOOD NIGHT, SPENCER.

GUS.

THIS SO-CALLED FOOTBALL TEAM OF OURS,

WERE WE ANY GOOD?

YES, WE WON STATE CHAMP OUR SENIOR YEAR.

SERIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T GO TO ANY OF THE GAMES?

THE GAMES WERE ON FRIDAYS.

THAT WOULD MEAN MISSING STEP BY STEP.

BUT THIS WINNING STATE,

WOULD THAT GET YOU SOME SORT OF SPECIAL PIN?

YES, SHAWN. THE STATE CHAMPS PIN.

I GOT IT.

LASSIE, I KNOW WHO THE MURDER VICTIM IS.

WHO?

CLASS OF '95, SABERCATS' STARTING QUARTERBACK

[imitates sports announcer] HOWIE TOLKIN!

SHAWN.

WHAT?

HOWIE.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

LOOK, JULES,

JUST GET DOWN HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP ON THIS CASE.

IT'S INTENSE.

I WILL FILL YOU IN ON THE REST WHEN YOU GET HERE.

THANK YOU.

[phone claps shut]

SO CARL,

THIS IS MY EX-BOYFRIEND

FROM HIGH SCHOOL ALL FOUR YEARS,

ELDON.

NICE TO MEET YOU, BUDDY.

(Mindy) YEAH.

[sighs]

[clears throat] RIGHT.

AND THIS IS HIS, UH,

HIS BRAND-NEW WIFE, STEPHANIE.

YEAH.

SO, UM, I'M DATING A COP NOW.

[chuckles] OH, REALLY?

YEAH.

YOU EVER, UM, SHOOT ANYBODY?

WELL, I DON'T-- OF COURSE HE HAS.

PROBABLY A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

A BUNCH?

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHAT IS A BUNCH REALLY?

I-- [coughs]

YES.

WOMEN.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING BUT HEARTACHE, MAN.

ALL THEY WANT IS A RING, MAN.

THEY WON'T STOP TILL THEY GET THE RING.

DUDE, I COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF.

MAYBE CLEARER, BUT I AGREE.

I'M JUST LIKE YOU GUYS.

I--I HOPE TO KISS ONE... SOMEDAY.

EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW, DUDE, YOU'RE JUST LIKE US.

MARGINALLY EMPLOYED,

SINGLE, NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

I MEAN, YOU GET IT.

DID YOU GUYS SEE SOMEONE TAMPERING WITH THIS CASE?

NO, BUT I WISH I'D THOUGHT OF THAT.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THAT TOLKIN GUY GO DOWN.

HE TERRORIZED ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY BUILD A SHRINE FOR HIM

'CAUSE HE CAN THROW A FOOTBALL?

PSHH. WHO CARES?

EXACTLY.

HEY, WHY DON'T THEY BUILD A SHRINE TO MY BUTT?

[laughing]

THERE YOU ARE!

I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.

DUDE, YOU TOTALLY LIED TO US.

YOU HAVE A GIRL, AND SHE IS HOT.

EXCUSE US, DUDES.

OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

WHAT?

YOU SAID YOU WERE ON A CASE

AND THERE WERE POSSIBLE CRIMINAL SUSPECTS DOWN HERE

THAT MIGHT GET SPOOKED BY COPS SNIFFING AROUND.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

THIS IS A REUNION, NOT THE PROM.

I NEED YOU TO FIT IN.

WHAT, THIS?

THIS ISN'T A PROM DRESS.

IT LOOKS LIKE A PROM DRESS.

IT'S A LITTLE...POOFY.

IT DOESN'T POOF. THERE'S NO POOF.

A SLIGHT POOF.

LOOK, IT'S WHAT I WAS GONNA WEAR

TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION THAT I COULDN'T GO TO

BECAUSE I WAS ON A CASE. JULES--

JUST SHOW ME WHERE THESE SUSPECTS ARE

THAT I NEED TO VET.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NEED TO "VET" ANYTHING.

THE ANIMALS ARE FINE.

BUT LET'S POOF ON OVER,

AND I'LL POINT 'EM OUT TO YOU.

OH, THANKS FOR PLAYING UP

THAT WHOLE TOUGH GUY COP THING,

YOU KNOW, WITH ELDON.

THAT WAS REALLY NICE OF YOU.

I THINK THE "I'M PACKING HEAT" THING

WAS A LITTLE OVERBOARD,

BUT HE SEEMED TO BUY IT, SO...

BUT I AM PACKING HEAT.

[laughs]

OH, THAT'S CUTE.

WHAT, DO YOU SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER

AND A LITTLE PEN COMES OUT

SO YOU CAN WRITE PEOPLE PARKING TICKETS?

UM, BARNABY JONES,

WHY DON'T YOU HOLD MY PURSE WHILE I GO DANCE.

I CALLED YOU BECAUSE I NEED YOUR HELP.

OH, MY GOD! IT'S HOWIE AND EILEEN!

ABE FROMAN, SAUSAGE KING OF CHICAGO.

YES!

WE ALL SPENT OUR WONDER YEARS TOGETHER. RIGHT.

YOU GUYS LOOK GREAT.

ESPECIALLY YOU.

I WANT YOU BATTIN' CLEAN-UP,

LOOK AT THAT PACKAGE, HUH?

I--I DON'T MEAN TO BE A DOWNER, GUYS,

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT SOMEBODY TAMPERED

WITH YOUR FOOTBALL SHRINE?

OH, DUDE, SERIOUSLY,

THAT'S JUST OLD HIGH SCHOOL STUFF.

I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.

I'M ACTUALLY ON TO MUCH BIGGER STUFF NOW, SO.

HOWIE JUST ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY

FOR STATE ASSEMBLY LAST MONTH.

YEAH, DUDE. I CARE ABOUT THE ISSUES

I ACTUALLY THINK I CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, BABE?

THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.

SEE, AFTER I FIX THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA,

I'M GONNA WRITE A MOTIVATIONAL BOOK

FOR LOSERS WHO NEED HELP.

AND THE WORKING TITLE RIGHT NOW IS MOVE IT...

[yelling] OR MOVE IT!

[laughing]

WOW, THAT IS SO MUCH STUFF.

WHEN WILL YOU FIND TIME

TO TAPE LARRY LESTER'S BUTT CHEEKS TOGETHER?

[laughs]

NEVER SAW BREAKFAST CLUB? EITHER OF YOU?

WOW.

OKAY, BABY.

HOWIE WANTS ONE OF THOSE LITTLE MINI QUESADILLAS.

LET'S GET AFTER IT.

WHO HASN'T SEEN THE BREAKFAST CLUB?

MM.

YOU HONESTLY DON'T THINK

THERE'S ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THOSE TWO?

I'M NOT SURE.

I MEAN, FOR A GUY WHO'S CLEARLY STUCK IN THE PAST,

HE SEEMED TO BRUSH OFF THE WHOLE VANDALISM

OF HIS TROPHY CASE THING PRETTY EASILY.

I COULD DUST THE CASE FOR PRINTS,

BUT THAT'S IT.

JULES, ANYONE WHO ENTERS OR EXITS THIS PLACE IS A SUSPECT.

THIS THING ENDS BEFORE I SOLVE THE HOMICIDE,

YOU CAN KISS THE MURDERER GOOD-BYE.

GUS, THANK GOODNESS.

I NEED TO GET TO THE ROOF.

I NEED TO GET INTO THE LIBRARY.

I NEED TO PSYCHICALLY REMEMBER

EVERYTHING ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL.

THAT STUFF IS LOCKED UP TIGHT.

THIS PLACE IS LIKE FORT KNOX TONIGHT.

FINE.

WHERE'S THE GYMNASIUM?

WE'RE IN THE GYMNASIUM, SHAWN.

WOW, BUDDY, YOU DID A REALLY NICE JOB.

[phone rings]

HEY, SHAWN, WHAT'S UP?

LISTEN, DAD,

REMEMBER THAT BOX OF MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL STUFF

THAT MOM PUT AWAY FOR ME?

IT WAS JUST-- IT WAS A BOX OF STUFF.

WHAT BOX?

[Shawn on phone] THE BOX.

WHAT BOX, SHAWN?

WHAT AM I THINKING? MOM'S IN TOWN.

DO ME A FAVOR.

CALL HER, FIND OUT WHERE SHE PUT IT.

I CAN'T. I CAN'T.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?

I CAN'T.

I JUST TALKED TO HER, SHAWN,

AND I THINK SHE THOUGHT--

I MEAN, SUPPOSEDLY SHE HAD A SALAD.

WHO AM I TO THINK

THAT SHE DIDN'T HAVE A SALAD?

DAD, I NEED THIS BOX.

I'M ON A CASE, OKAY?

JUST CALL HER, LOCATE THE BOX.

I WILL COME GET IT FROM YOU.

FINE.

FINE.

WHAT IS HE TALK-- I DON'T--

I JUST DON'T SEE IT.

YOU'RE NOT LOOKING.

THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF.

WHAT IS ALL THIS CRAP?

IT'S YOUR LIFE.

THESE BOXES ARE NOT MY LIFE.

WELL, IT'S STUFF FROM YOUR LIFE ANYWAY.

I BOXED IT ALL UP 'CAUSE I THOUGHT

MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU'D WANT TO LOOK AT IT AGAIN...

WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND CROTCHETY.

YEAH, WELL, I JUST WANT TO DUMP IT ALL.

WHICH IN YOUR CASE WOULD BE TODAY.

OOH.

LOOKIT--LOOKIT THIS. LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A MATCHBOX CAR. IT'S SHAWN'S FIRST ONE.

I BOUGHT IT FOR HIM. I BROUGHT IT HOME, REMEMBER?

I DO.

HE NEVER EVEN PLAYED WITH IT.

HENRY, YOU BOUGHT HIM A SQUAD CAR.

WELL, KIDS LOVE POLICE CARS.

BUT THEY'RE ALL POLICE CARS.

ALL 20 OF THEM.

NO, NO, NO. THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT.

YOU SEE THAT ONE THERE? THAT'S A SQUAD CAR.

THIS ONE HERE--SEE THAT?

THAT'S A PADDY WAGON.

A PRISON TRANSPORT VEHICLE. THAT'S AN OLD ONE.

LOOK AT THAT. CROWD CONTROL VAN.

LOOK, IT EVEN HAS LITTLE TINY WATER CANNONS UP ON TOP.

HERE'S THE BOX HE WANTED.

WOW.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD'VE BECOME,

LIKE, A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, WHAT I DO IS PRETTY FASCINATING.

REALLY? HOW SO?

WELL, WITH MY SPECIALTY, WHICH IS MUCUS REDUCERS,

I USE A MIXTURE OF...

DID I ALSO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE

A SIDE PSYCHIC DETECTIVE BUSINESS

THAT I STARTED WITH MY BUDDY?

REALLY?

YEAH.

AND I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE TRACKED DOWN A COUNTERFEITER,

UNVEILED A NANNY RING,

SAVED THE SHOW AMERICAN DUOS,

STUFF LIKE THAT.

THAT WAS YOU?

I REMEMBER THAT.

I'M KIND OF WORKING ON A CASE RIGHT NOW.

SHH. REALLY?

GOD, THAT'S HOT.

[exhales]

[rock music]

*

HA HA HA HI!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

OH, WE SLID IN.

WE BROUGHT YOU THE BOX YOU WERE BITCHING ABOUT.

NO, NO, NO, DAD.

I ASKED YOU TO LOCATE THE BOX

SO THAT I COULD COME PICK IT UP FROM YOU.

NOT TO DRAG MOM DOWN TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

LIGHTEN UP, HONEY.

WHAT ARE YOU SO WORRIED ABOUT?

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA PULL OUT A KLEENEX,

WET IT, AND THEN WIPE THE CORNERS OF YOUR MOUTH.

[chuckles]

LOOK, IT'S GUS. I HAVE TO SAY HELLO.

NO, MOM, THERE AREN'T REALLY

ANY OTHER PARENTS HERE.

AWESOME. WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU UP TO?

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, SHAWN, I WENT TO THIS SCHOOL TOO.

SO IT WAS MY SCHOOL LONG BEFORE IT WAS YOURS.

OKAY, FINE.

YOU WIN "OLDEST STUDENT HERE" AWARD.

NOW WILL YOU PLEASE LEAVE?

I'M SURE THE NONDESCRIPT BLAZER RENTAL PLACE

IS ABOUT TO CLOSE.

HEY HEY, CUTIE PATOOTIE!

LOOK, SERIOUSLY, MY NAME IS CARLTON, OKAY?

HOW HARD IS THAT TO REMEMBER? CARL-TON.

YEAH, I KNOW YOUR NAME, SILLY.

I JUST THINK A BETTER NAME FOR YOU IS CUTIE PATOOTIE.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUCH A CUTIE PATOOTIE.

OH! HEY, THERE!

[giggling]

EXACTLY HOW MUCH OF THAT PUNCH HAVE YOU HAD?

JUST ENOUGH TO REALIZE, YOU KNOW,

THAT I MIGHT'VE BEEN A LITTLE SHORT WITH YOU BEFORE

AND I'M VERY SORRY.

CAN YOU FORGIVE ME?

[giggles] MAYBE.

YEAH? YEAH?

GOOD, 'CAUSE I--

I HAVE JUST ONE TEENSY WEENSY LITTLE TINY FAVOR

TO ASK OF YOU.

WHAT'S THAT?

I NEED YOU TO MAKE A MOVE ON ELDON'S WIFE, STEPHANIE,

'CAUSE I WANT THAT PAINTED WHORE OUT OF THE PICTURE, OKAY?

CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?

NO.

NO, I CANNOT DO THAT FOR YOU.

FINE.

YOU SUCK!

WHAT?

YOUR PURSE!

AW, CRAP.

OH, GREAT.

WELL, THAT FIGURES.

WHAT ARE THOSE?

JUST A COPY OF EVERY KEY IN THE SCHOOL.

BY THE END OF SENIOR YEAR,

I MANAGED TO BECOME A MEMBER

OF THE TRANS-AMERICAN WESTERN CUSTODIAL UNION,

LOCAL 456.

DON'T HOLD ME TO THIS,

BUT I BELIEVE I STILL HAVE VOTING PRIVILEGES.

IT'S BEEN 35 YEARS SINCE I'VE WANDERED THESE HALLS.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LOOK AROUND.

YOU WANNA JOIN ME?

THAT DEPENDS. DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS?

YOU KIDDING?

I USED TO OWN THESE HALLS.

DID YOU BRING ME A GLASS OF PUNCH

AS SOME SORT OF 13-YEAR PEACE OFFERING?

OH, NO.

SORRY, THESE ARE BOTH FOR ME ACTUALLY.

I CAN GRAB YOU ONE THOUGH IF YOU'D LIKE.

NO.

I DO HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU THOUGH.

HMM?

ASSUMING THAT PARKER STEVENSON

HAD NEVER BEEN BORN,

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN

SOLVE A CRIME BEFORE?

I DID SEE JOHN CUSACK PREVENT A JAYWALKING ONCE.

MM.

[exhales]

THIS IS GOOD.

YEAH.

JUST, UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO DO MY THING, OKAY?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO STEADY OR BRACE YOURSELF.

WHY, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

WELL, I CAN'T REALLY SAY WITH ANY DEGREE OF ACCURACY.

BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT

SOME ANIMALS, SLOW ADULTS,

AND BEAUTIFUL GIRLS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO SWOON.

YOU JUST CALLED ME SLOW. EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M A SLAVE TO IT.

[laughs]

[breathes heavily]

SHH.

WAIT FOR IT.

WAIT FOR IT.

[stifled laugh] DON'T DO THAT.

DON'T MOCK THE SPIRIT.

[laughs] SHH.

IT'S BENEATH YOU.

SHH.

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED...

WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN MARRIED YET?

I DON'T HAVE TO WONDER. I KNOW WHY.

WELL, WHY?

I WILL GET MARRIED... SOMEDAY.

I JUST HAVEN'T MET HIM YET.

YOU DON'T THINK.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

WHAT ABOUT ME, ABIGAIL?

LOTS OF STRAPPING, BRILLIANT-TYPE GUYS

NEVER GOT MARRIED.

LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON, RIGHT?

DOING HIS THING.

JON LOVITZ.

JON LOVITZ'S BROTHER.

JON LOVITZ HAS A BROTHER?

DOES IT REALLY...MATTER?

I JUST FIGURED IT OUT.

WHAT? WHY YOU NEVER GOT MARRIED?

NO--I KNOW WHO OUR MURDERERS ARE.

(Gus) SO, WAIT-- NOW YOU ARE SAYING

THAT HOWIE AND EILEEN ARE THE KILLERS?

(Shawn) YEP.

WASN'T HOWIE THE VICTIM AT ONE POINT?

GUS, THAT IS SO 40 MINUTES AGO.

I BET YOU'RE STILL TELLING YOUR FRIENDS TO "CHILLAX."

SHAWN, WHY WOULD TWO PEOPLE WHO JUST KILLED SOMEONE

BE SO CASUAL: SMILING, DANCING.

I AGREE.

IT IS BOTH SURREAL AND DISTURBING

TO WATCH TWO MURDERERS DO THE CABBAGE PATCH.

BUT THAT'S THE POINT, GUS.

THEY'RE TRYING TO LOOK AS CASUAL AS POSSIBLE.

BUT I'M NOT FOOLED.

THE QUESTION IS WHY ARE THEY STICKING AROUND?

LOOKING FOR INFO ON OUR BELOVED COUPLE.

ANYTHING THAT MIGHT SAY "FUTURE KILLERS."

WHAT DOES THAT WORD EVEN MEAN ANYWAY:

"GREATNESS."

IT'S LIKE THEY PURPOSELY SET YOU UP FOR FAILURE.

I MEAN, WHAT HAVE I DONE IN MY LIFE

THAT ANYONE WOULD SAY WAS GREAT?

DUDE, THE PERFECT COCOA ROUNDNESS OF YOUR HEAD ALONE

MAKES YOU GREAT.

THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY, SHAWN.

NO ONE HAD ANY EXPECTATIONS YOU WOULD AMOUNT TO GREATNESS.

GUS, DON'T BE AN INCORRIGIBLE ESKIMO PIE

WITH A CARAMEL RIBBON.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THESE PEOPLE THINK OF YOU.

BUT, AND I PUT THIS OUT THERE AS A CHALLENGE TO YOU,

YOU REALLY WANT TO SHOW 'EM

YOU'VE LIVED UP TO YOUR POTENTIAL?

HELP ME SOLVE THIS CASE, PLEASE.

COME ON, HOW MANY OF OUR CLASSMATES

ARE OUT THERE SOLVING A MURDER TONIGHT, HUH?

A HANDFUL MAYBE?

YOU COULD BE ONE OF THEM.

DUCKY.

WHAT?

DUDE!

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING IN THE WRONG JOHN HUGHES MOVIE.

THIS ISN'T BREAKFAST CLUB , OR CURLY SUE,

OR MR. MOM AND IT CERTAINLY ISN'T FLUBBER.

WHY ARE YOU HATIN' ON FLUBBER?

I WOULD NEVER HATE ON FLUBBER.

I'M NOT FOLLOWING.

WHAT DO ALL THE BEST JOHN HUGHES MOVIES

HAVE IN COMMON? A LOVE TRIANGLE.

THERE'S ALWAYS...

A DUCKY.

DO YOU RECOGNIZE THAT GUY?

VAGUELY.

I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME THOUGH.

CHECK THE GRAD PICS.

HE DIDN'T SHOW UP.

17 NO-SHOWS. HE'S ONE OF THEM.

THE QUESTION IS WHICH ONE.

DUCKY, WHERE ARE YOU?

IS THIS THE SAME GUY?

GOOD WORK, GUS.

THIS IS GOOD.

I THINK I JUST FIGURED SOMETHING OUT.

I GOTTA MAKE A QUICK STOP.

ARE WE BACK IN BUSINESS, PARTNER?

MILO AND OTIS.

I GET TO BE OTIS?

THAT'S A GIVEN.

OKAY, BUT LOOK,

I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE GYM

AND MAKE SURE ALL THE BALLOTS ARE IN

OR WE WON'T HAVE A REUNION KING AND QUEEN.

MEET YOU THERE? YEAH.

OR WE COULD MEET BACK HERE

AND GIVE EACH OTHER MAKEOVERS

TO KARLA DEVITO'S WE ARE NOT ALONE.

IT'S YOUR CHOICE.

DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HOW DID--

HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?

PLACE WAS OPEN.

YOUR MOM AND I WERE JUST LOOKING AROUND.

SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

SO WHAT, YOU JUST...

YOU JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A NORMAL THING

SO SIT HERE IN THE DARK?

SHAWN, I USED TO FIX UP CARS

IN THIS VERY PLACE WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I ACTUALLY DROPPED THE TRANNY

OUT OF A '57 CHEVY JUST LIKE THIS ONE.

PRACTICALLY REBUILT THE THING FROM SCRATCH.

WHEN THAT THING WAS DONE,

BABY, I'LL TELL YOU, IT PURRED.

NOW I FEEL AWFUL.

WHY?

MOM.

SHE'S STILL IN THE BATHROOM.

SHE MISSED THAT ENTIRE STORY.

SHAWN, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU NEVER CARED

ABOUT ANYTHING IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH, WELL, AS IT TURNS OUT,

IT SEEMS I DID CARE ABOUT SOMETHING.

I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER MUCH ANYMORE.

DAD, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MISS OUT ON A MOMENT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE AN OPPORTUNITY.

YOU THINK YOU COULD MISS AN OPPORTUNITY

IN A MOMENT.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN IT'S TOO LATE.

AND THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE IS CHANGED FOREVER.

YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.

WAIT A MINUTE. IS THIS ABOUT A GIRL?

MAYBE.

LIFE IS NOT MADE UP OF A SINGLE MOMENT.

IT'S MADE UP OF A GAZILLION MOMENTS.

WHAT DEFINES US IS THE CHOICE WE MAKE

IN THE NEXT MOMENT, AND THE ONE AFTER THAT.

THESE MOMENTS, SHAWN, THEY'RE HAPPENING.

THEY'RE ALL AROUND US ALL THE TIME.

YOU'RE HAVING ONE RIGHT NOW.

I JUST KEEP WONDERING,

LIKE, WHAT IF I'D MADE A DIFFERENT CHOICE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, ON A PARTICULAR NIGHT,

IN ONE OF THESE MOMENTS,

WHO WOULD I BE NOW?

WELL, I SUSPECT THAT YOU WOULDN'T BE YOU.

GOOD TALK, DAD.

I GOTTA RUN.

ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE MORE THING.

DO YOU THINK I COULD BORROW YOUR UNDERPANTS?

JUST--JUST FOR, LIKE, TEN MINUTES.

OH, COME ON!

WE'RE ALREADY IN THE CAR!

THESE ARE--THESE ARE ICONIC FILM REFERENCES

I'M MAKING TONIGHT.

(Shawn) HIS NAME IS PETER COLTER, CLASS OF '95.

(Gus) CAN WE HURRY THIS UP?

I'M DUE BACK IN THE GYM TO MAKE MY PRESENTATION.

IF CHIEF VICK KNEW I WAS RUNNING NAMES FOR YOU GUYS,

I'D LOSE MY ASS.

WE DEFINITELY DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN.

OH, WAIT--

I HAVE SOMETHING.

WHAT IS IT?

WELL, IT'S NOT CRIMINAL,

BUT IT'S AN ACCIDENT REPORT.

THERE WAS AN ACCIDENT

ON JUNE 6TH, 1995.

THAT WAS THREE DAYS BEFORE GRADUATION.

(Juliet) PETER COLTER WAS THE DRIVER. ALCOHOL WAS INVOLVED.

HE HIT ANOTHER VEHICLE HEAD-ON.

A MAN WAS THROWN FROM THE CAR 20 FEET.

WE WAS RUSHED TO THE HOSPITAL,

SURVIVED IN A COMA FOR SEVEN MONTHS

AND EVENTUALLY DIED FROM INTERNAL INJURIES.

PETER COLTER WAS THEN CHARGED

WITH INVOLUNTARY MANSLAUGHTER

AND RECEIVED SIX YEARS PROBATION.

BUT THERE WERE TWO OTHER PASSENGERS

IN THE CAR WITH HIM.

LET ME GUESS.

HOWIE TOLKIN AND EILEEN MAZWELL.

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE I'VE SEEN PRETTY IN PINK,

LIKE, 75 TIMES.

WAIT, WAIT, AND HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.

WELL, IT'S SMALL,

BUT SOME PETTY THEFT

THAT WAS OUT OF STATE.

SHOPLIFTING IN FALLON, NEVADA,

WHICH LEADS ME TO A RESTRAINING ORDER.

IT WAS PLACED ONE MONTH AGO

BY EILEEN MAZWELL AND PETER COLTER.

FOR WHAT?

HARASSMENT.

[humming]

PETER WASN'T DRIVING THE CAR THAT NIGHT.

IT WAS HOWIE.

WHAT, AND HE TOOK THE RAP FOR THE ACCIDENT?

WHY?

A MOMENT AND A CHOICE, GUS.

LOOK, HOWIE AND EILEEN KILLED PETER.

I KNOW IT ALL NOW.

BUT NO BODY, NO CRIME.

SERIOUSLY, JULES?

THAT HAS TO BE ON A POSTER AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

IT'S JUST SOMETHING WE SAY.

WAIT, SO WE KNOW WHO THE KILLERS ARE.

WE KNOW WHO THEY KILLED.

BUT WE DON'T HAVE A BODY? WHERE IS IT?

WELL, IF I WAS JUST SOME AVERAGE GUY

WITHOUT ANY SUPERPOWERS, I'D SAY,

[mumbling dumbly] I DON'T KNOW. WHY YOU ASKING ME?

BUT AS HEAD PSYCHIC

OF THE SANTA BARBARA POLICE DEPARTMENT,

I'D SAY I DON'T KNOW,

WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?

SHAWN.

IT'S STILL HIDDEN SOMEWHERE AT THAT SCHOOL!

O'HARA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE THIS LATE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE OFF TONIGHT.

YEAH, UM, YOU KNOW,

I WAS OUT, STOPPED BACK BY.

I, UH, YOU KNOW, FORGOT MY, UH, CHAPSTICK.

WHICH I NOW HAVE. YAY.

WHERE WERE YOU AT, YOUR PROM?

WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE WEARING A PROM DRESS.

AND ARE YOU TWO ON A CASE?

CHIEF.

BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER ASSIGNING YOU ONE.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

SHE WAS HELPING ME. I JUST MADE A BUST.

UH, AND WHO IS THAT?

THAT IS A REAL SCHIZOID.

ELIZABETH REBA DAVIS,

A.K.A. MINDY HOWLAND.

WOMAN'S BEEN FILLING FALSE PRESCRIPTIONS

UNDER FAKE NAMES SINCE '96.

(Vick) OH, OKAY.

I SEE.

WELL, GOOD WORK, PEOPLE.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE REALLY WORKING ON,

YOU'RE NOT BEING PAID FOR THIS.

OW.

THANK YOU FOR THAT, LASSITER.

YEAH, SWEET.

LOOK, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GONNA GET BACK TO THIS.

I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE MUG SHOTS.

I'M HAVING FUN.

IT'S THE BEST DATE I'VE BEEN ON IN A LONG TIME.

(Shawn) HE LANDED HERE.

WE KNOW THAT.

THERE'S NO OTHER ENTRANCE

THEY COULD'VE GOTTEN INTO

UNLESS THEY DRAGGED THE BODY 200 YARDS

ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE GYM.

RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT... IS THE GIRLS' LOCKER ROOM.

OH, NOW THAT HE REMEMBERS.

HOW WOULD THEY EVEN GET A BODY DOWN THERE ANYWAY?

THAT'S, LIKE, A 13-FOOT DROP.

AH.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT, PARTNER.

I'M GONNA EASE YOU DOWN,

AND I'LL BE RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

YOU MUST BE OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND, SHAWN.

I'M NOT GOING DOWN THERE FIRST.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS TO ME NOW

AFTER I'VE LAID ALL THE GROUND WORK?

NOW WILL YOU JUST GET DOWN THERE?

I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. HELP ME BACK UP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU'RE IN.

HELP ME UP, SHAWN.

ALL RIGHT.

[grunts]

[thud]

UH. OKAY.

NOW YOU, SHAWN.

SHAWN?

DUDE, I AM SO SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE I'VE HAD THE KEYS ALL ALONG.

LET'S JUST GET TO IT.

OKAY, INDEED.

LET'S FIND US A BODY.

BUT FIRST, LET'S BOTH OF US TAKE A PRIVATE MOMENT

TO PAY HOMAGE TO ALL OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS

THAT HAVE OCCURRED HERE OVER THE YEARS.

[door opens]

[whispering] DUDE, IT'S HOWIE AND EILEEN.

THAT'S WHY THEY HAVEN'T LEFT THE REUNION.

THEY STASHED THE BODY, BUT NOW THEY'VE GOT TO MOVE IT.

YEAH, BUT WHERE IS IT?

[door slams shut]

(Eileen) DID YOU HEAR THAT?

(Howie) I THINK THERE'S SOMEBODY IN HERE WITH US.

I THINK IT CAME FROM THE STALLS.

[door slams open]

[door slams open]

NOBODY'S THERE.

CHECK THE LOCKERS.

DO YOU HAVE A STICK OR A SMALL LEAF?

WHY WOULD I HAVE A STICK?

OKAY.

[raspy scream]

TCH-TCH-TCH-TCH.

WE GOTTA GET THIS BODY TO LASSITER

IF I'M GONNA ACCUSE THEM OF THE CRIME.

WHY DON'T WE BRING LASSITER DOWN HERE?

YEAH, WE COME BACK AND THE BODY'S GONE AGAIN, COME ON!

IF TOLKIN FINDS US,

HE'S GONNA STRANGLE US.

HE STRANGLES PEOPLE, SHAWN.

HEAD OR FEET?

SHAWN. SHAWN SPENCER.

WERE YOU GIRLS ABLE TO GET SOME PUNCH?

[rock music]

*

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TOMORROW?

FLYING TO SAN FRANCISCO FOR WORK.

YOU KNOW I'M JUST HERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

YEAH, OF COURSE.

I, JUST, I...

ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE

MY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

YOU DID?

YEAH, SURE, THIS IS...

THIS IS ONLY HALF THE PICTURE.

[laughs]

YEAH! THAT WAS FUN, RIGHT?

SO IT IS NOW TIME TO ANNOUNCE

THE REUNION PROM QUEEN AND KING.

HOWIE TOLKIN!

[cheers and applause]

AND HIS REAL LIFE BRIDE,

EILEEN MAZWELL!

[cheers and applause]

HEY, HEY, HEY! WHERE YOU GOING?

HOWIE, EILEEN, COME UP HERE!

THIS IS EXCITING.

CONGRATULATIONS.

LOOKS LIKE HISTORY HAS REPEATED ITSELF.

THOSE CROWNS SURE ARE HEAVY.

YES, THEY ARE.

HEAVY WITH LIES.

YOU SEE, MY FELLOW ALUMNI,

ONE OF YOUR CLASSMATES WAS MURDERED HERE TONIGHT.

HIS NAME WAS PETER COLTER.

HE WAS A SMART KID.

HE WAS A A WIZ AT FIXING CARS.

HE WAS ALSO THE WATER BOY FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

THE REASON YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER HIM VERY WELL

IS BECAUSE HE LIVED IN THEIR SHADOW.

HE WORSHIPPED THEM, DO ANYTHING FOR THEM,

INCLUDING TAKING A RAP FOR A TRAGIC CAR ACCIDENT

THAT WAS ACTUALLY CAUSED BY HOWIE.

AND YOU LET HIM DO IT

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE

YOUR PRECIOUS SCHOLARSHIP.

POOR PETER'S LIFE

WAS STUCK IN THAT MOMENT, AND HE NEVER RECOVERED.

THAT'S WHY HE DIDN'T SHOW UP TO TAKE HIS YEARBOOK PHOTO,

AND THAT'S WHY HE MOVED AWAY

AND ENDED UP COMMITTING PETTY CRIMES.

MEANWHILE, THE TWO OF YOU MOVED ON

TO UCLA.

YOU MARRIED YOUR PROM QUEEN.

PROBABLY NEVER GAVE YOUR OLD FRIEND PETER

ANOTHER THOUGHT.

THAT IS... UNTIL ABOUT A MONTH AGO.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, EILEEN?

SEEING IT'S NO COINCIDENCE

THAT THE RESTRAINING ORDER THE YOU FILED

AGAINST PETER JUST HAPPENED TO COINCIDE

WITH HOWIE HERE ANNOUNCING HIS CANDIDACY

IN THE STATE ASSEMBLY.

PETER COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

HE NEEDED THE TRUTH TO COME OUT,

SO HE CONTACTED YOU.

YOU TWO DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD

TO PREVENT HIM FROM COMING HERE TONIGHT,

BUT HE CAME ANYWAY.

HE WORE HIS LETTERMAN'S JACKET

WITH HIS SPECIAL STATE CHAMPIONSHIP PIN.

STILL STUCK IN THAT ONE MOMENT.

HE VISITED ALL HIS OLD HAUNTS.

MADE A STOP AT THE AUTO SHOP.

GOT A LITTLE UPSET WHEN HE SAW THE TROPHY SHRINE

BUILT TO CELEBRATE YOU.

FINALLY, HE CONFRONTED YOU BOTH ON THE ROOF,

DRUNK AND UPSET.

YOU COULDN'T LET HIM UNCOVER THE TRUTH.

IT WAS WAY TOO MUCH TO LOSE.

SO YOU GAVE HIM ONE FINAL PUSH.

SILENCED HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THREE ARRESTS IN ONE NIGHT. NOT BAD.

PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE A BODY.

IT'S THE FURRY SABERCAT BACKSTAGE.

GREAT!

(man) STAND UP, PLEASE.

UP.

HOMICIDE HOWIE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

AND NOW I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO THANK SOMEONE WHO'S NOT ONLY RESPONSIBLE

FOR PLANNING ALL OF THIS TONIGHT,

COMPLETE WITH A RASTAFARIAN THEME

THAT YOU ALL EMBRACED SO HEARTILY,

BUT WHO IS ALSO THE MASTERMIND

BEHIND THE SOLVING OF TONIGHT'S CRIME.

I KNOW IT'S TRUE,

I'M THE PSYCHIC.

BUT, UH, OFTEN TIMES MY REVELATIONS

ARE NOTHING BUT A CRYPTIC MESS.

TONIGHT, FOR INSTANCE,

ALL I COULD SEE

WERE SCENES FROM PRETTY IN PINK,

A GIANT RHOMBUS IN A T-SHIRT

THAT READ "SOCCER MOMS ARE EASY."

NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT THESE THINGS MEAN,

BUT GUS IS SOMEHOW ABLE TO SHAPE THEM

INTO COLD HARD EVIDENTIAL FACTS.

BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT MAKES HIM GREAT.

NO, SIR.

BURTON GUSTER HAS BEEN MY BEST FRIEND

SINCE WE WERE FIVE.

AND MAYBE,

JUST MAYBE,

IF ANY OF YOU CAN LOOK YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR

AND KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN

HALF AS GOOD A FRIEND TO SOMEONE ELSE

AS GUS HAS BEEN TO ME...

WELL, YOU TOO CAN BE CONSIDERED GREAT.

GIVE IT UP FOR MY BEST FRIEND,

BURTON GUSTER.

[applause]

WHOO!

OH, HENRY.

WE MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING RIGHT.

THAT WAS ALL YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I MUST SAY THAT WAS QUITE IMPRESSIVE.

IF YOU'RE THAT GOOD OF A DETECTIVE,

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT SORT OF MIDWIFE YOU MADE.

OKAY, THIS IS 13 YEARS OVERDUE,

BUT HERE GOES.

I KNOW THAT YOU THINK

THAT I DIDN'T SHOW UP THE NIGHT I WAS SUPPOSED

TO MEET YOU AT THE CARNIVAL,

BUT THE TRUTH IS I DID.

YOU WERE STANDING AT THE END OF THE PIER.

YOU WERE WEARING A BLUE, THIN-STRIPED BABY DOLL DRESS.

DOC MARTEN SANDALS, BLACK.

YOU HAD A ROW OF RED BUTTERFLY CLIPS IN YOUR HAIR,

SHORT JEAN JACKET AND THE RIGHT POCKET WAS RIPPED

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS USED TO SHOVE YOUR FIST IN THERE

WHEN YOU GOT NERVOUS.

YOU WERE PACING BACK AND FORTH THAT NIGHT.

YOU WAITED AROUND ALMOST AN HOUR

BEFORE YOU WALKED AWAY.

UM, THESE ARE OUR TICKETS TO THE CARNIVAL.

I SAVED THEM.

I WAS SO NERVOUS, I CHOKED.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT HARDLY EVER HAPPENS TO ME.

BUT THE TRUTH IS, ABIGAIL,

I THINK I LIKED YOU TOO MUCH.

AND SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD,

I KNEW WHAT THAT NIGHT WOULD MEAN

AND EVEN HOW MY LIFE COULD BE DIFFERENT NOW

IF I HADN'T LET YOU WALK AWAY.

BUT THIS IS A DIFFERENT MOMENT,

AND IT'S A CHANCE TO MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE.

AND YOU'RE REALLY AMAZING,

AND I KNOW WE CAN'T GO BACK IN TIME,

BUT I DO WISH THAT THERE WAS SOME WAY THAT I--

[slow rock music]

*

SO I'LL JUST KEEP THINKING,

AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT COMES TO MIND,

I'LL LET YOU KNOW

THAT WAS...REALLY NICE.

PRETTY MUCH PERFECT.

YEAH.

PRETTY MUCH PERFECT.

SO WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE THIS IS WHAT...

CLOSURE FEELS LIKE?

MAYBE.

I GUESS I'LL SEE YOU AT THE 20-YEAR REUNION.

YEAH, UH...

THOUGH KNOWING GUS IT'LL PROBABLY BE OUR 23RD,

BUT, UH, I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

YEAH. SURE.

OKAY.

BYE, SHAWN.

(Gus) DEAR LELAND BOSSEIGH HIGH ADMINISTRATIVE BOARD.

WE ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE WITHHOLDING OUR DEPOSIT

OF $1,500 FOR DAMAGES.

WE ALSO ACCEPT THAT YOU JUST SEE US AS YOU WANT TO SEE US:

IN THE SIMPLEST TERMS,

IN THE MOST CONVENIENT DEFINITIONS.

A SNARKY PSYCHIC,

AN UPTIGHT PHARMACEUTICALS SALESMAN,

A PRETTY FEMALE BLONDE DETECTIVE,

AND A NOT SO PRETTY,

UNUSUALLY LANKY DETECTIVE.

BUT EACH OF US IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

PLUS OUR NORMAL FEE FOR SOLVING A MURDER

IN ONE MEANINGFUL EVENING IS TWICE THAT.

SO ENCLOSED IS A BILL FOR $3,000.

PLEASE REMIT PAYMENT IN THE FORM OF A CHECK

MADE OUT SIMPLY TO "PSYCH."

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