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- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

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Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I don't want
to be negative, but...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...I don't think anything's ever
gonna get better ever again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don't wanna bum anybody out,
but I think this is pretty much

the way it's gonna be
for however long it takes us

- to polish this planet off.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And don't misunderstand me,
I have no hope.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think if you have hope,
what are you, fucking seven?

- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...again, I don't want
to be negative,

but you kinda know
it's true, right?

In your heart, you know
that it's fucking over, right?

- I know it's hard to handle...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...culturally, politically,
climate-wise.

What are you gonna do
about the climate? Nothing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think in the back
of our heads we're like,

"Well, you know,
I don't wanna get in the way

of anything that Swedish
teenager's doing, you know?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, "Greta's got focus,
she's young,

- I think she's gonna nail it."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And, look, I don't know.
I... You know,

I have moments where I'm like,

"What can I do?"
And then you're like,

"What? Is that gnocchi?"
You know, so, like it's...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look, I'm doing a thing,
that, uh, occasionally I'll--

Well, yeah, I'll do it now.

Just like, a lot of these ideas
that I'm playing with,

they're hard to do, comedically.

So I've been working
on a one-man show,

sort of a serious one-man show,
and I workshop it

during the comedy act
occasionally.

I'll do it for you now.

It's called
Voices From the Future.

This is a multi-character
one-person show

where I play all the characters.

If you ever are like,
you know, "Where's Marc?"

- It's still me, I'm here.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So this is a one-person show,

it's called
Voices From the Future.

It's just random people
saying random things

in the very near future.

The show right now is running
about a minute and 30.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I picture that,
when I produce it,

it'll be
in a small black box theater.

You know, it'll be dark
and the lights will like,

come up on each character,
but I'll just kinda mime that.

- But you'll get it.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Some references
are to the West Coast,

but I think you'll get them
and maybe I'll throw one

that's-- in that's
more appropriate to this coast.

Yeah, I'll have to do
a whole new character,

but I think I can do it.

Right, so this is the first guy,
Voices From the Future.

Okay, first guy, lights come up.
"How close are the fires?"

- Lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

All right, this... (CHUCKLES)

...this is the second guy,
lights up.

"Will the fifth booster
work on the Zephyr strain?

'Cause I can't see
out of this eye, doc.

- I can't see." Lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

All right, this is--
This guy. All right, this is--

Hold on, this guy's sad.
(BREATHES DEEPLY) Okay.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Lights up.

"What, do you mean--
You mean there's no more water?"

- Bring the lights down.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Wait. All right, wait, there's--
Okay. So a East Coast one.

All right,
this guy's a-- All right.

All right. Okay, okay,
here we go. (GROANS) Lights up.

"Do they have
the floatable seating

- at the restaurant downtown?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Okay. Now, this last guy--

So, if you're doing this
at your community theater

- or, uh, your high school...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...uh, you'd want to cast, like,

a working-class guy
for this last guy

'cause he's kind of
the comic relief at the end.

Okay. (GROANS) Lights up.
"You know, 130 is not that hot."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Once you get out in it,
it's not that bad.

Don't be a pussy and hydrate!"

Thank you,
Voices From the Future.

- Appreciate it.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

So, like, I'm trying to cover
a lot of territory,

or a lot of things
in this first chunk

of this show,
and it gets a little heavy,

but you'll be all right.

- Um...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

There's-- I think we have
a stupid people problem

and I'm not saying that
as a condescending person

or a-- I'm not a genius,

but I kinda miss
old-timey stupid.

You know,
I miss back-in-the-day stupid.

I miss, like,
ten-years-ago stupid.

You know, stupid that
had a little humility,

where you could say things
like, "You're kinda dumb,"

and they'd be like,
"Yeah, I know."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Well, it's good you know that."

"Well, I'm not that dumb.
I mean, come on!"

"Well, good talk.
Good luck with everything."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- But now, there's a new stupid,

a brazen, sort of shameless,
confident stupid.

They're just loaded up

with all kinds
of bullshit information.

It has a tone to it.

I'll try to do a little
of it for ya, the tone.

"Oh, so, you're a scientist?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And you can't pull
that same thing

you used to be able to pull
with the old stupid.

You can't be like,
"You're kind of dumb."

'Cause they go,
"What's your source?"

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "What are you talking about?"

"Where are you getting
your information?"

"Just talking to you right now."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"You gotta do
your own research, bro."

- "I'm doing it in real time..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...and I think
my study's almost concluded.

And I'm stepping away slowly."

So now,
we're just kinda half-waiting

for the stupids
to choose a uniform. Um...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I don't know. Are you nervous?

Isn't it weird
that, like, you know,

you get your information
one place

and they get
there's another place.

Everyone gets it
at different places,

but there's definitely
a strain of stupid

where you hear guys do, like,

"You know, you don't have to get
any vaccines ever.

I was listening
to this podcast."

Most of the time
that's not going a good place.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "I was with this podcast.

You know,
I was kinda in and out."

- "But..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...I'm pretty sure the guy said
that if you take

a human growth hormone
suppository

and stick it up your ass hard
until you get a boner,

but it's not a gay boner
'cause it's your finger,

- so why would it be gay?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"And I don't know
if you know this,

but there's a man clit
in your asshole that I found

when I was watching UFC once.

I was just poking around
up there.

And I told my bros about it,
I'm like,

'Do you know about the man clit
in your ass?'

So, they were like,
'What the fuck, dude?'

I'm like, 'All right,
you live your life.'

- Anyway..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...so when you get the boner,

you stick it
into a warm elk's heart,

which you can order
from the guy's website.

Comes three in a package,
frozen, and you just fuck it

like a pocket pussy
or a fleshlight.

It's not gay,
it's an elk's heart.

- How would that be gay?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"And then you cum in it,

and then you just throw it
on a Traeger

or whatever kinda grill
you have.

I have a Weber,
but it doesn't matter

and you cook it up
and you, like,

eat it on a sandwich or--

It's not gay to eat your own cum
if it's cooked.

- Anyway..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...if you do that
and you eat it,

you don't have to get vaccinated
for anything.

Pretty sure
that's what the guy said.

I was kinda in and out,
was ordering supplements

and, a new fleshlight and,
you know, the uniforms are in,

so I wanted to get
a jump on that."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"And then I think the guy
interviewed a professor

- of misogyny from Canada."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"That was really smart, man.

He really knew
what he was talking about.

Someday when I have a woman,
I'm gonna use some of it."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And now, there's all these
comedians, like,

"I'm an anti-woke comic, man.

I'm anti-woke and that's why
I don't get work."

- "Really?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"You think that's the reason?"
(CHUCKLES)

"Yeah, man.
We can't say anything anymore.

Like, me and all the other
anti-woke comedians,

we all wanna say our version
of the same three things.

- And you just can't--"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"You can't say anything
anymore."

"No, I'm pretty sure you can say
whatever you want, really."

He's like, "No, you can't, man."

"You can.
There just may be consequences."

"See, that's
the fucked up thing,

- the consequences."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Well, maybe when you get
your uniform,

you can make that
the first order of business,

is getting rid
of the consequences."

- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
- (CHUCKLES)

- "No, man. I'm anti-woke."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Look, there's problems.
You know, I don't wanna--

But I don't wanna say
there's a problem

- with Christian fascism, but...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...there might be a problem.

And I'm not saying
you're all in on it,

if you're Christians,
but, you know, you kinda are.

- Right?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, if you really think
a flying Jew

- is gonna come back...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

...and make everything okay,

isn't that, like,
mental illness?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I don't wanna make anyone
uncomfortable

'cause I know, a lot of you know
that we have--

You know, as I'm speaking,

and I guess I should
make it clear

that we have found recently
that there is actually something

that brings
most people together,

it's antisemitism.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And... (CLICKS TONGUE) ...yeah.

I'm saying that as a Jew,

and as a Jew, I'm saying
that we will replace you.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It's...

it's happening,
we're all part of it.

We're doing it,
we're all doing our bit.

You-- There's an app now
we can replace you with.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And it's a commission thing.
How-- We get a certain kickback

for the number of you replaced.

I talked to my brother
last week,

he replaced, like, 76 last week.

And every quarter,
we get a check

- from Global Control HQ.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's got the cool logo
with the planet

and the Star of David
and gold leaf around it,

- signed by George Soros.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's kinda cool,
it's almost frameable,

- but we cash them. So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I don't know, like,
I'm not religious,

I'm a Jew, so...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And there's a difference
between Jews and Christians,

obviously, I mean, I think

if the relationship with God
is different,

if you look at the testaments,
the Old Testament.

It seemed like the relationship
with Jews and God

- was basically, "What?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What do you want me to do?

Now?

All right, all right.
Don't yell, don't yell."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Whereas I think
the Christian relationship

is more like... (WHIMPERS)

- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But there's not a racket.

I don't see the Jew thing
as a racket.

The Christian thing
I see as a racket.

It's almost like, you know,

"Here's the New Testament,
make it your own

- and grift as you will."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Right? I mean,
and there's a pitch to it.

that's kinda genius.

And if you really break it down,
the pitch is basically,

"Everything will be amazing

- when you're dead."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- "Put some money in the jar."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But, look, the real problem
right now with, uh, you know...

- Christian fascism...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...is that, you know,
Roe v. Wade was taken down.

Women, all women
in this country have lost

their physical autonomy
and their rights

and the weird thing is,

I don't hear men
talking about it.

I hear no men talking about it.

Which is unusual to me
because if you're a guy

with any game at all,

you've paid
for at least two of those.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

So you had something to say
at some point in time.

I think most men are pro-choice,
usually desperately.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Baby, it's up to you.
It's your choice,

- but not a great time, right?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I mean, for either of us,
it's just not a good time.

I mean, fuck, right? Fuck!

No, I'm not mad at you,
it's just my whole fucking life!

I'm not crying,
just do what you want!

I'll pay for it.
I'll drive you down there.

I'll take you to the place.

We can get pancakes
at that place you like."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Or the entertainer's version,

"I'll fly back into town,
just tell me the day!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It's hard to talk to people
of faith about abortion

if they have
the whole murder frame in place.

If it's murder to somebody,
there's really no conversation.

There's no way to bridge it.
You can't do the, like,

"No, it's just cluster of cells,
not unlike a tumor. It's just...

going a different direction,
you know?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)
"With the same result sometimes,

it's just a longer game,
really."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But a lot of it has to do
with the language of choice

which is...
it's practical, it's medical.

You know,
abortion, abortion clinic.

Easy to demonize, scary.

Like, if we shifted
some of the language,

we might be able to bridge
a gap and have a conversation

with people of faith.
Maybe just--

Maybe we call them
angel factories.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I mean, that would be at least
a conversation starter, right?

I didn't-- I don't--
I didn't say abortion clinic.

I said an angel factory.

And how if the concern
is getting souls to heaven,

we need more of them,
we need more.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Now...

Christians have corrected me
on this.

One guy who wrote me an email.

It was a fairly heady email.
It had two levels to it.

The first level was, "The number
of angels is finite."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Dead children do not become
angels, they're separate things.

There's only a given number
of angels, good and bad.

- So you were wrong there."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And the other thing was,

"If a soul needs--
is gonna go to heaven,

it needs to be baptized."
So, I'm like,

"All right,
well there's-- That's--

We can troubleshoot
around that."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- Right?

I mean, there's a lot of priests
around with a lot of free time,

and historically,
that's not a great thing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But I say get the priests out
in front of the angel factories

with the water and the,
whatever the kind of Latin hokum

they need to do
the little dance around.

And just do it for each woman
coming in and then, boom!

Guaranteed soul
right up to heaven, every time.

And I think that the vibe
outside an angel factory

with the Christians hanging out
will be different than those

at the abortion clinic.
I think it'd be more festive.

- Just like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Just standing around
watching the counter

on the side of the building.

Maybe there's a bell
on top of it.

Bing! "Hallelujah! Praise Jesus.

When the bell rings,
an angel gets its wings.

We are blessed today.
We are blessed.

Thank you, lady.

Put a little money in the jar.
You're not off the hook."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) So, okay.

I know it's a lot
to get through,

- especially from a Jew.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)
I don't know why I do this.

I don't know why every show,
there's part of me,

that just wants to keep poking
the Jew thing...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...just so people who think
they don't have anything

against Jews,
under their breath says,

- "We fucking get it, man."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES) I just want you
to find that part of you.

(SIGHS) All right.
So... (CHUCKLES)

...I'm getting old.

I'm 59. It's not really old,
but it's ol-- I'm in a--

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
- Yeah, whatever. I'm in a...

It's no victory.
(CHUCKLES) Just luck.

So-- But it's weird,
you get to a certain age

where like,
like almost every night,

right before I go to sleep,
I'm like, "Is this it?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right? And then the next thought
is always like,

"I gotta get rid of some shit."
(CHUCKLES)

"I got too much shit, man."

But I don't always know
that I'm getting older.

I don't always feel it
because I think

it's a few reasons,
'cause I don't have kids.

I think if you have kids,

you can kinda see
you're dying in your kids.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, maybe that's cynical
and I don't really know,

but I have to imagine

at some point you're like,
"Happy birthday, son.

How old are you today?
Seventeen?

- Fuck, I'm dying."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I'm sorry. I meant
to say have fun today.

I don't know. I guess
I was thinking out loud

a little bit."

Mirrors don't really help.

I mean, they do,
but that you can't trust them.

You have a relationship
with your mirror.

It's the same thing
you look at every day.

You have a codependent
relationship with the mirror

that you look in every day
where you gaslight yourself

into believing
that you're hanging in there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don't know
what your ritual is,

but it's probably something
along the lines of...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

And then you walk out
into the world

totally deluded...

that you look
the age you think you look.

The only time I know
how I'm getting old,

or that I am getting old,

is when I look
at pictures of myself.

Then it's-- It's somehow,

it's clearer to me
'cause it's separate.

And I look at pictures
and I'm like,

"Oh, my God,
look at my old head!

Look at my old, big head!

When did my head
get big and old?"

And it did,
and there's nothing you can do

under your head

that's gonna diminish
from your old head.

No matter how you dress.
Everyone--

People are gonna be like,
"Cool boots,

- old head though, right?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Yes, it is an old head.
It's an old, honest head.

I do nothing to it."

I can't dye my hair.
Who the hell--

How can you dye
your hair in your mid fifties

as a dude and just--
What, you just expect everyone

in your life to play along
with that decision, like...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You just show up one day
and everyone's like, "Oh, fuck,

- I guess that's who he is now."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What do you think, man?
You think-- Does it look good?"

I'm like, "What are you
going for, Dracula?

If you're going for Dracula,
you nailed it."

"I did it myself."
"I can tell,

- you dyed your scalp."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Think it's a little late
to go through a goth period,

don't you? Am I wrong?

And I think about what kind
of old guy I'm gonna be.

I don't know, like,
you know, I'm approaching it,

but, like, I know guys
in their eighties.

Like, and I've decided that

there's like two kinds
of old guys in their eighties.

Like, there's the kinda guy

that no matter
what kinda life he had,

you know,
he's got some humility,

he knows where he's at
in his life.

You know, he's got
a certain amount of acceptance,

you know, the kinda guy
that's like,

"Yeah, you know, life was hard,

but, you know,
it was up and down.

But I'm just happy
to have another day.

I'm grateful,
and I'm just gonna sit here

and watch the water."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Right? That guy.

And then there's
the other guy in his eighties

that no matter
what kind of life he had,

in his mind,
he got fucked somehow.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"The whole thing was bullshit.
It was all bullshit.

No money left. No fucking money.
Two ex-wives. No money.

One of my kids
doesn't talk to me.

- The one that does is a moron."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Fuck the whole thing,
it was bullshit.

Just gonna sit here
and watch this asshole,

watch the water."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"My best friend here,
the water watcher.

Not mad at this guy."

"Not today, you're not,
but yesterday--"

- "Shut up. Don't talk."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MARC MARON:
I have old guys in my life.

My dad's still alive.
My dad is 84 years old.

- Don't. No. Don't.
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

I get-- Don't.
Hold your applause...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...'cause I have to preface
this material by...

with some honesty.
My-- For most of my life,

my father
was very self-centered.

He had bipolar,

emotionally abusive,
narcissistic fuck.

Now, the only reason
I'm telling you that

is because
I don't want you to have

- the wrong amount of empathy...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...when I do
these next few jokes.

I don't want you,

I don't want you rooting
for the wrong guy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

My father's 84,

recently diagnosed
with dementia.

- We're all pretty excited.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Everyone's dealing with this,
everyone's dealing with this.

And I gotta be honest with you,
he's right at the beginning,

so he's still got
almost all his old memories.

Day of stuff's a little tricky.
But to be honest,

he's very pleasant
to be around right now.

He's open,
he's kinda funny. He's warm.

Look, I guess
what I'm saying is,

I know it's a terrible disease,
but don't miss the sweet spot.

- It's...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...I think it's right
at the beginning.

It's just lovely.
It really is just lovely.

I'll just walk up to him
and be like,

"How you doing, Dad?
How you doing?"

I rub his little head.

People get uncomfortable

when they think of me
rubbing my dad's head.

What am I supposed to be doing?

- "What's my name?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Where do you live?
Do you know where you live?

What day is today?"

That's what they've earned at 84
is for you to selfishly

yell at them thinking it helps

as they look at you
confused and crying.

But I'm showing up for him,
which is interesting, you know,

because we did
have a difficult relationship

and it's kinda nice
to live to be my age

and have your parents alive,

because, look, I'm one
of those people.

I have a hard time
when people my age say,

"Aren't you a little old

to still be mad
at your parents?"

- "No."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- "They did it."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING, CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES) I love my audience

because I just know
there's a room full of people

that were-- They only
had maybe one good parent.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Maybe. So it's a big room
full of broken toys in here.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- (CHUCKLES)

Every day is a fucking challenge
and you're overly sensitive

and just... (CHUCKLES)
...battling dread all the time

and wondering
if you're talented.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- So...

So, my dad, so, he's like--
Okay, so, here's the thing.

I'm like, I'm showing up
for the guy, like I said before.

And it is weird,
but something gives way,

no matter how difficult

the relationship was between you
and that parent or both of them.

Like, you get old enough,
and, you know, in your mind,

you're sort of like,
"I kind of won."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So, I'm gonna go out there,
you know?

But I go out there
to hang out with him.

You know, the dementia
is new to him, it's new to me.

I don't know his life that well.

And I'll take him out
to this Chinese place.

The last time I was there,

we go to the Chinese place
and I order, you know,

soup and some entrées.

And we're just sitting there,
me and my dad,

just sitting there,

and he just picks up
his soup spoon

- and he fills it with soy sauce.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And he's looking right at me,
right in my face. (SLURPS)

And he just sucks the spoonful
of soy sauce down.

And my only thought
in that moment was,

"I didn't know my dad did that."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I really haven't gone out
to Chinese

with him
in a long time, I guess."

You know. That's wild.
Right out of the spoon.

Yeah, I watched him fill it
up again. He filled it up again.

He's looking right at me.
(SLURPS)

And I said, "Is that good?"
And he said, "I like it."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He did it three times...

before my brain was like,
"He has dementia.

Take the spoon away from him,

or he'll drink all the soy sauce
one spoonful at a time."

So I put the spoon down.

"Dad, we're gonna
have food coming."

And he's like, "All right.
Now, there he is."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Every time I do that
to his head,

he's like... (CHUCKLES)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And, look, I know. (SIGHS)

I know it's a terrible disease
and...

you know, and at some point,
he's--

he's not going to know
who I am anymore. I know that.

(CLICKS TONGUE) And I also know,
on that day,

- I will be truly free.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Hey, Dad, how you feeling?"
"Who the fuck are you?"

- "Yes! It's over."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"The most toxic relationship

of my life just ended, buddy,
just ended."

"Who the fuck are you?"
"Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter. I thought
I knew you. My bad. My bad."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)

So I have this other old man
in my life.

My mother is still alive.
But I can't--

I'm going to go easy on her
because she's still,

- you know, cognizant.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's not great.

But she's got this boyfriend.

Do you still call him
a boyfriend when they're 85?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

The guy who's fucking my mother
is 85 years old and...

I should be nothing but grateful
that he's fucking my mother.

I should thank God every day
that John is fucking my mother.

Right. It's great.
Takes a load off of me.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

- In a metaphorical way.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But John's difficult.

And it's not
'cause he's fucking my mother.

I mean, like, I'm 59. He's 85.
Is there a point

where you grow past
that sort of like,

"Why are you
fucking this guy, Ma?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But they've been together
a long time.

He's just annoying, you know?
And I try to be tolerant.

But he's one of these old guys
that, you know... (CHUCKLES)

He just talks. He talks a lot.

He thinks he's telling stories,
but he's not really.

They don't go anywhere.
They don't land.

You don't even know
they're over,

you know,
until he wistfully says,

"It was a different time."
You know?

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And it's annoying, you know?

Like, I'll go over there
and he'll be like,

"Marc. Marc, come here.
Let me tell you something."

"What?" "Listen." "Okay?"
"When I was younger,

we used to go
to the delicatessen,

maybe have a sandwich,
some coffee, talk a little bit.

- It was a different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Is that the whole thing?
That's the whole story?"

"Why you got to be a wiseass?"
"It's just not a story.

I mean, there was probably
a story in there.

You know, what deli?
Who were you talking to?

What kind of sandwich?
A lot of options.

- You chose none of them. Zero."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I can't talk to you." "Good.
Don't fucking talk to me or..."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...get some sort
of narrative arc going.

Flesh it out a little bit.
Land it. Land it."

(CLICKS TONGUE)

"Marc. Come here,
let me tell you something."

"What? What is it?"

"Listen." "Okay?"
"When I was younger."

"Yeah?"

"We used to go out
maybe on a Saturday night

with the ladies, to a show.

Always shined my shoes. Always.

- Different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Not a story, again,
not a story."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- "Why you got to be a wiseass?"

"I'm just saying,
there was a story in there?

What show? What ladies?
What year?

The type of shoe
would be a nice detail."

"Maybe that's just me."
"I can't talk to you."

"Good. Don't fucking talk to me.
Do me a favor."

- "Marc." "What?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Listen." "What? What is it?"

"New York City." "Okay, yeah?"

"It's raining outside."

"Okay."

- "Different time."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"Wait, are these poems?
These are poems.

I thought you're trying
to tell stories,

but these are actually poems
and they're kind of good.

You're kind of an amazing poet.

Maybe we should self-publish
an anthology of your poetry.

And just call it, It Was
a Different Time: The Poems.

Like, I could blurb it for you.

Quote, 'These little bits
and pieces of his life

are just vague enough
to make you wonder

what it was like to be him
during the times

he doesn't really
tell you about...'"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...unquote. Marc Maron,

stand up-comic, podcaster,
his girlfriend's son."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

MARC: But the point
I was trying to make

is that the mortality thing,

the idea of impending death,
which is, you know,

pretty much going to happen.
To everyone.

It's right there.

And I know a lot of you know me
and you know my life

'cause you listen to me
all the time.

And you know that during COVID,
my partner, my girlfriend,

Lynn Shelton, the director,
the genius passed away.

She didn't get COVID.

- Thank you, I...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm assuming that's applaud
of recognition.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)

"Thank God, she's gone. Jesus."

So... (SHUSHES) Take it easy.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- It'll be okay.

I can get right back
into the sad tone.

But she did. She passed away.

And it was the most
horrible thing

that's ever happened to me.
And I'm sure to her.

- And...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It was right there.

But let me get serious.
You know, she did die

and it was a terrible tragedy.
And the truth is, like,

I'm a guy
who talks about his life.

So I wasn't clear
how that was gonna go.

How am I going
to talk about that?

You know, "Is that ever
going to happen?

Is there a way to bring
humor to that?"

Because I'm not really
the kind of guy

that's like, "She's dead,
what are the bits?

- Let's get going." You know?
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But there was also moments
where I'm like,

"Well, maybe I can't do it.

Maybe I have to do something
more serious.

Maybe I have to do maybe
a Jewish themed one-man show,

you know, maybe, like,
Marc Maron's Kaddish:

A Prayer for the Dead,"
you know,

sort of a black box theater.
You know, before the show,

there's like Israeli music
playing, you know. (VOCALIZES)

And then the lights come up
and I just lean into it.

(IN HEBREW)
♪ Yis-gadal, v'yis-kadash! ♪

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

People would walk out
of that show going,

"Definitely wasn't funny,
wasn't funny at all.

And I like him. He's funny.
But this was very sad.

But I'm glad he did it.

He seemed to, like, really work
through some stuff.

But not one laugh.
Not one laugh.

And I'm not Jewish,

so I missed half
the references."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But then I thought, "Well,
maybe how about a TED talk?

People do TED talks.
I could do a TED talk.

How hard is a fucking TED talk?
I just have to get one

of those weird, you know,
earphone, microphones.

You know, change my posture
a little bit."

You know, like, "Everyone dies."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"I'm gonna die.

You're going to die. We all die.
I'm Marc Maron. I'm a comedian."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But then, ultimately,
what happens is I realize,

well, you're just going
to talk about it.

You know, somehow or another,
you figured out

you're gonna talk about it
and if, you know,

you need to talk about it
in a funny way,

it will happen at some point

if it's necessary,
which it always is.

But, like, I realize, you know,
and thinking about it that,

you know, no one really talks
about grief.

No one talks about PTSD.

No one knows
how to process this stuff.

Everybody has it. It's just,
you know, locked into us.

And there's not a conversation.

There's not really
a cultural conversation

around it. And it's difficult.
You know, when she died,

the only things that really
kind of stuck in my head

was that I'm not the victim,
you know, she is.

And it's horrible.

And, you know,
this is not unusual.

People die in people's lives.
Tragedy happens.

You hope
it doesn't happen to you,

but it happens
to probably most people.

And then the Jewish thing,
you know,

"May her memory be a blessing."

These sort of,
you know, kept me going.

And it was a difficult time
to grieve because it was COVID,

so, you know,
no one could really come by.

People reached out,
but there was not a lot of,

you know, human contact,
and I guess--

I'd be honest with you,
I got very tired of crying

in front of strangers,
my neighbors.

'Cause I didn't know them.
And it was in the paper.

And this is how I met
my neighbors.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, and grief
is a fucked up thing.

You know, I remember, like,
a week after she died,

I was just taking
my garbage out

and from across the street,
I hear, "Hey, Marc, I'm Troy.

I live across the street.
How are you doing, man?"

I'm like, "Not good, dude!
It's not good."

He's like, "Yeah, I bet, buddy.
I bet."

"It's fucking terrible."
"I bet, man.

Well, I'm just
across the street."

"I know, man. I see you.
You're right there."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And he just stood there
until I stopped crying.

And I was like, "Thanks, man."

That's-- I feel better, buddy.
I feel better."

"Nice meeting you, dude."

It was that moment
where I realized, like,

it doesn't take much to show up
for somebody in grief.

And a lot of us,
when it happens in our lives,

you're like, "What do I do?
What do I say?"

You don't have to say anything.
You barely have to show up.

You don't even
have to invest emotionally.

You just have to be like,
"How you doing?"

Wait till they stop crying
and go like, "Okay."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And they'll think

you're the greatest person
in the world.

Like, "You really showed up
for me when I was grieving."

I'm like, "Really?
Oh, yeah. Okay."

- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But it was just weird because,
you know, it was COVID.

And, you know,
I just sit on my porch

and people I knew
would come over

and they stand in the yard,
you know, with their mask on.

I felt like a zoo exhibit.

There should've just been a sign
that said, "Grieving Man."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- And I would just sit there

and people would show up,
they'd be like,

"How are you doing?"
I'm like, "Not great."

"We brought food."

- "Slide it into the cage."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Oh, bagels. I like bagels.

Grieving Man feeding time."
(CHOMPS)

People wanna help you.
You want to be helped.

You want to feel better.
You want it to go away.

But it doesn't,
because it happened.

And you realize over time
that it'll never go away.

But people want to help
and you want to feel better.

If you have smart friends,

you'll get, like, six copies
of the Joan Didion book.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

It seems like there's a group
of people

that as soon
as someone dies, man,

The Year of Magical Thinking
goes out.

And you read it
'cause you want to feel better.

And you're like, "All right.
So her husband died, too.

- Didn't really help me."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But if you're a creative person,
it adds another level of despair

'cause you're like, "Fuck,
do I need to start writing now?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

People tell you things
that they want,

they think
will make you feel better.

like, I remember someone
told me,

I can't remember who it was.

They said, "Hey, man, you know,

when people die,
they don't really leave.

You know, their energy
is still here."

And I'm like,
"How is that helpful?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I got used to her
in a human form."

And this person was like, "Yeah,
but just think about it, man,

everyone who's ever died,
their energy is still here."

- And I'm like, "Okay."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But oddly, you know,

when you're fucking sad,
you'll go mystical.

You need it.

A couple of days
after that guy told me that,

I'm just sitting on my porch

and a hummingbird came
right up to my head,

just like... (IMITATES BUZZING)

I'm like, "Oh, my God! Lynn!
Lynn, you're a hummingbird now.

Of course, you are.
That makes so much sense."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"I miss you, baby.
I can't believe

you're a hummingbird.
What's that like? That's crazy."

And then the next day

there were, like,
four hummingbirds

and I'm like,
"What the fuck is happening?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Which one is Lynn? Who's Lynn?

Is this, like, Lynn
and her new dead friends?

This is what happens
when people die.

They just become birds
of one kind or another.

That's going to disappoint
some Christians."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (MARC CLICKS TONGUE, CHUCKLES)

"Everything will be amazing
when you're a bird."

(CHUCKLES)

- "Put the money in the jar."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But the bird thing kind of stuck
because, like, at some point,

like, a bird, you know,
built a nest right above

where I walk into my house
and they just shit so much.

It's, like, astounding.

If you really just take a minute
to think, like,

"How much do birds shit?"
It's a lot.

And I have to be careful
walking into my house

because the bird was shitting,
and at some point I said,

"Hey, baby,
I'm not going to forget you.

- Is there a different way..."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"...that we can do this?
You know,

I still have the hat and stuff,
and...

the shit thing's kind of tired,
I think."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But, look, I miss her
and it's weird

when you lose somebody
because it really, you know,

it wakes you up to some...

To who you are really,
and also how fragile life is.

You know, maybe love
will happen again.

I don't know.
I'm not that great at it.

I just... (CHUCKLES) I come
from very selfish stock,

and I don't have the tools
necessary

to really be as open
as I'd like.

But who knows? It might happen.
I might find love again.

And maybe I'll be sleeping
with a person I love,

having love sex as opposed
to the other kind.

- Equally as good.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But maybe I'm having love sex

and, you know, it's beautiful
and the woman

I'm having sex with

kind of looks over my shoulder
and she says,

"Why is that hummingbird
just hovering out there?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I'm like, "Yeah,
that's my old girlfriend.

She just-- I don't know.

She just likes
to be part of it sometimes."

"You cool with that?"
"Is she with her friends?"

"Usually there's
four of them and...

it's fucking out of control."

I did wonder, like,

would I ever be able
to be funny about things?

But I find that, like, you know,

humor that comes
from real darkness

is really the best
because it disarms it.

It's elevating to the spirit.
It's why I got into comedy,

because I would watch comics
and they would take things

that were complicated
or horrifying and simplify them

and sort of make you see them
in a different way

and have a laugh.

And I think
it's a beautiful thing.

And necessary, like,
I believe there was probably,

some hilarious people
in Auschwitz.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, come on.
It was, like, all Jews.

- Are you going to tell me...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

...are you going to tell me
there wasn't one guy

where the other Jews are like,

"Are you going
to watch Murray tonight?

It's crazy. He's hilarious.
He does all the Nazis.

- It's hilarious."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Of course, there was.

I'm sure there's, like,
an Auschwitz joke book

written by Jews that no one
knows how to publish.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What are we going to call it?

The Auschwitz Joke Book
by Jews."

- "It's not happening. We can't."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"It'll be misunderstood.
We can't."

But I do remember the first,
you know, joke that came to me

about Lynn's passing
that made me feel better.

And I'll share it with you.
The setup is heavy.

And if you're-- if...

The fact that you're going
to die is triggering to you,

you might want to leave
for a few minutes.

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- All right. So...

this is a day that a lot
of people have had.

It's when you have a loved one

in the hospital
who's fighting for their life.

It's a horrible day.
Don't wish it on anybody.

It's the worst day of your life.

You're on the phone
with doctors, with friends,

with family members,
trying to hold on to hope,

trying to get information,

trying to figure out a way
to stay positive.

You know, and at some point,
you know,

it turns and it's not going
to work out

the way that you want it
to work out.

And about 5:30,
6:30 in the afternoon,

you know, the doctor says to me,
he says,

"Look, you can come down here
and see her if you want."

This is peak COVID,
no one's in hospitals.

"She's probably going
to be gone.

We're taking her off
the machines,

but you can come down here
and see her."

And I was like... (EXHALES)

"What? Do-- What do you mean?
Do people even do that?"

And he's like,
"I don't know what people do.

I'm just telling you
I can make that happen."

I'm like, "I don't know.
I don't know.

I don't know what to do.
I gotta, you know,

I gotta call, like, 12 people
to figure out what to do."

So I start calling people
and I'm like,

"Dude, the doctor just said
that I can go see her

and she's going to be dead."

And they're like,
"That's fucked up."

And I'm like,
"That's not helpful."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So I went through about nine
of those.

And finally,
I called Michaela Watkins,

who's a friend of both of ours,
great actress.

And I go, "Michaela,
the doctor says

I can come see her,
but she's going to be dead."

And Michaela just goes,
"Oh, you have to do that."

And I'm like, "I don't.
It sounds terrible."

She goes, "You would regret
not doing that."

And I thought, like,
"You don't really know me,

apparently, because it sounds
like the worst thing

I could ever do in my life."
And she said,

"Well, it's never going
to happen again,

and it might be good to do it

because there's going
to be closure there

and you don't really know
how it will feel.

And it's an important thing
to do. It's an opportunity."

And I'm like, "Oh, okay. Fuck."

So I call the doctor back
and I'm like,

"All right, I'm in,
I'm coming down."

And he's like, "All right, well,
I gotta give you a heads up.

We can't really clean up

because the coroner
has to sign off on her."

And I'm like,
"You're not really selling this.

- I gotta be honest with you."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"I don't know
if I can handle it, man."

He's like, "You can handle it.

Just come down here
and we'll take care of you."

And I'm like, "Oh, all right."
So, now, it's 12:30 at night,

I'm driving down to the hospital
and I'm in shock.

My girlfriend died.

You know,
out of body experience.

I'm shattered
and totally traumatized.

And I'm driving alone

to this hospital
in the middle of the night.

And I get to the hospital
and there's no one in it,

just a security guard. I'm like,
"I'm here."

He says, "Yeah, I know."

And he takes me up
to intensive care.

Now, like, thank God for nurses.

They're real heroes
and they're at this shit.

- Yeah.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Every day.

Every day, nurses are dealing
with this stuff.

And I'm saying that to preface
the fact that the nurses

up in the ICU
were a little chipper.

- I don't know why. But...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Maybe it was helpful.
I don't know.

But I got up there
and I'm like, "Hi."

And they're like, "Hi!"
And I'm like, "Re-- Okay."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I'm like, "You know,
I'm here to see Lynn Shelton."

They're like, "We know,
she's just in there."

And there's no rooms
in an ICU. Not at this one.

It was dark
and there was just curtains.

And they said, "She's in there.

You know, you go in there
and, you know,

take as much time as you want."
And I'm like, "Okay."

So I walk in there
and Lynn's there and she's gone.

And I was able to, you know,
touch her forehead

and, you know, tell her
I loved her and cry,

you know, for a few minutes.

And I stayed with her
for a good five minutes,

and I was like,
you know, I felt like,

"Okay, I'm going to go,"
you know, and I said goodbye

and I'm walking out
and I'm thinking,

"Selfie? No. Right?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(MARC MUMBLES)

Now...

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

...when I wrote that joke

or when I came up with it,
it made me feel so happy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I didn't know
what to do with it, you know,

so I call the darkest comic
I know,

Dan Vitale, who's since passed.

And I said-- I told the joke.
And he's like,

"Oh, my God, that's amazing.
But you can never tell that."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I'm like,
"I don't know, man. We'll see."

I think-- And I think Lynn
would like it,

you know, and I held on
to that,

you know, until I got
to Ireland recently.

- And now, it's become unclear.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I was doing that bit in Ireland,

and her and I
had a vacation there.

It was the only vacation
we had taken

and we had an amazing time.
We both had a deep sort of love

for Ireland for whatever reason,
because it's amazing. But--

So I'm in Dublin doing
a show recently

and I do that bit

and the lights in the venue
started going on and off.

The lights on me
started wavering.

And everyone in the room
was like, "Oh, my God."

And I'm like, "Take it easy.
Hi, Lynn.

I'm glad you're in Ireland
and you love it here. You good?"

And then it was like, "Okay."
And I did--

And I took it as a sign that,
"Okay, she likes the jokes."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)
- Wait. But wait.

So then I get back
to my hotel room

and the venue manager said,
"That's never happened before."

"No, it was Lynn,
she's hanging out."

So-- "Usually she's a bird."

- So...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I get back to my hotel room
in Ireland and I go to turn

the lamp on and the bulb goes...
(IMITATES CRACKLING)

It just doesn't-- It goes out.
And I'm like,

- "Shit. What's up, baby?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I'm still holding on
to the idea that,

"No, she likes the jokes.
Right?"

When you're sad,
you'll go mystical.

So I do them in Texas
a few months later

and during that bit
the mic starts going in and out

and I'm like, "Oh, shit,
she came to Texas."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES) "Maybe
she doesn't like the jokes."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But I thought if it happens
at the HBO taping,

I'm definitely
never doing them again.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

But...

Look. I-- She was, you know,
a big supporter of mine,

and I loved her and I miss her.
So, rest in peace, Lynn Shelton.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

You know, I'm--

You know, I do try to focus
on gratitude to some degree

when I can, and I have no kids.
And it's amazing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It really is. It's--
I can't even begin to tell you,

if you have them what--

well, how amazing it would
have been if you didn't.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)
And I think even ten years ago,

a 59-year-old man on stage
saying he didn't have kids,

a lot of people
would be like, "Aw,"

but I think that paradigm
is shifting a little bit.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I think there are people
that are like,

"Oh, God, good for you.
Jesus, what a mistake."

I don't know
why people have them.

I have nothing against them.
But it really seems that people

don't know that
they don't have to have them.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Like, something just clicks on
and they're like,

"I guess it's time." It's like,
It doesn't have to be.

You're human. You can decide.
You're not a dog.

It's not based on a smell.
Think about it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I just-- I never thought
about having them.

I never really wanted
to have them.

And people, you know, say to me,
you know, like,

"Well, don't you get lonely?"
I'm like, "I do.

I get very lonely.
But I never think, like, a kid

would make this better,
you know?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

I've had two wives
and I got no kids.

It takes a special kind
of asshole...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...to have two wives
and no kids.

I think my second wife
put it like this,

"You think I'm bringing
children into this?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"It was a different time."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

Look, if you have love
in your heart

and you want to bring
a kid in the world

'cause you want to spread
that love

or whatever the way is.

And that's your impulse,
that's your reason.

Good. Do it, you know.

You know, I think
it's a beautiful thing.

But if you have nothing but like

a weird void where your heart
should be

and you think like,
"A kid will fill this."

- Maybe don't do it. Maybe don't.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Because that void
will be passed along

for generations.

You can't stop the void
from moving.

You can now track your void
on 23andMe.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

My void started in the chest
of a tailor's wife in Belarus...

in the 1850s,
in the Pale of Settlement,

it was a-- It's a 99.9 percent
Ashkenazi void.

And you've all been sitting
in it for an hour now.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

People had children
during the pandemic.

- What kind of...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...cynical, selfish weirdos...

saw that as an opportunity
to start a family?

Like, there's no cure,
there's no vaccine.

And people are like,
"Let's have a baby."

"What if we all die?"
"Then we'll die as a family."

"I think we should do it."

At some point,
those plague babies

are going to want answers.
They're gonna...

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- ...they're gonna want to know

what it was like
before they were born.

And some dad is going
to have to step up and be like,

"All right, son, I think
you're ready to hear this,

- you're five."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Before you were born,
there was a horrible disease

that was spreading
around the world

that killed millions of people.

And there was no cure
and no medicine for it.

And we couldn't leave the house.

Your mother and I
were stuck in the house,

- for a long time!"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"We had to have food delivered.
It was dark and scary.

You just couldn't leave
the house.

And then eventually,
you had to.

You just had to get out.

And you had to wear gloves
and a mask and a visor.

Yeah, kind of like a superhero.

Like an angry superhero
that just needed some space."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"And then your mom
started making bread.

I don't know why.

So a lot of bread being made.

It was like a bakery
at the house,

sometimes two,
three loaves a day.

Sometimes she'd walk
into the living room

with a loaf and say,

'I don't think
this one turned out,

but we can still eat it.'

And I ate it
because I didn't want

to hurt her feelings.
It was a dark time!

Then puzzles started coming.

There were puzzles coming.
Yeah, I don't like puzzles.

You don't like puzzles, do you?
They're terrible, right?

I know, right?

Hundreds of puzzles
it seemed like.

We're doing puzzles
all the time.

We're watching movies
we've seen, like, five times.

We're eating bread.
It's the worst.

It was terrible.
And then, you know,

she starts drinking wine
and I'm like,

'All right, if she's going
to do it, I'll drink scotch.'

And at some point,
I just think

we stopped
loving each other and..."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"...I'll be honest with you,
I was Zooming

with a woman
from work and...

But I couldn't act on it.

I don't know
what she was doing.

It was just bad.
And, you know,

we were fighting and drinking
and eating bread.

And one time we were just
yelling at each other,

we're crying,
and it was very sad

and we didn't know what to do.

And, you know,
I kicked over a puzzle

because I was mad
and I don't know,

we just ended up
having sex on the floor,

right on the puzzle pieces.

And puzzle pieces
were sticking to us.

I don't know. Well,
that's when we made you."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"Oh, shit. I think she's here.
Do you have all your stuff?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Where's your iPad?
Is it in your backpack?

She's coming. Just go.
I don't want to talk.

Just go out there. Go.
She's getting out of the car.

Go out there.
You have everything? I love you.

I'll talk to you in a week.
Don't tell her what I told you.

Go. Get out there.
She's coming."

That's a one-man show
called Plague Baby.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

Thank you.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

That'll be running in repertory
with Voices From the Future

and Marc Maron's Kaddish:
A Prayer for the Dead,

in an evening of one-acts
when they are all published

in the same volume

from the Samuel French
Publishing Company.

The other reason I'm happy
I don't have kids is,

I have friends my age
who have grown kids.

Grown-ups.
And if I haven't seen

that friend in a while
and ask him how his kids are,

it's never a great story.

- I mean, it's like...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...70 percent of the time,
it's not a good story. So...

"Hey, man, long time.
How you been?"

"I'm dealing,
you know how it is."

"Yeah, man. Me, too.
How are the kids?"

"Well, you know...

one of them is doing great.

But the other one, I don't know,
kind of got away from us.

I don't know
what the fuck happened.

I don't know
if it's anyone's fault,

but fuck 'em. I've had it.

Got a guy out there
looking for him again.

It's just bullshit.
It's killing his mother.

I can't fucking take it.
Fuck that kid.

But... his sister
is doing great.

Just got in to a good school.
Thanks for asking."

"That sounds terrible."
"You know how it is."

- "I don't."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And then they always ask me
the same thing

if they know me,
and I can't help

but hear it as condescending,
where they're like,

"Oh, that's right,
you still got cats.

- How those cats doing?"
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

But in my head, I'm always like,
"Go fuck yourself.

You think you're a better man
than me

- because you have human kids."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Like, that makes you
more responsible? More evolved?

A better human?
Go fuck yourself."

I have three cats that I love
and in the best case scenario,

I'm going to have to have them
all killed.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm going to have to kill
my friends.

And I knew it going in.
That's how big my heart is.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

You can't have your drug-addled
son put down, can you?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No matter how much you want to,

you can't walk
into a veterinarian's office

and just say,
"I think it's time.

He's not grooming himself.
He's barely eating.

Can't keep his head up.
There we go. There we go."

"This is
a veterinarian's office.

We don't do people."
I'm like, "Doc, I got cash.

How much would it take?
Just help me out.

Do me a-- His mother thinks
he's dead already.

Can't you just
bring him in back?

Knock him out, burn him up,
put him in a box.

And if you want, you give me
the handprint on the paper."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)
You kind of got to go

all the way with that one.
I'm sorry, I...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

"Yeah, man, it's 'cause
I'm an anti-woke comedian."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

So... (EXHALES DEEPLY)

...I almost bought
a gun recently.

My friends are like, "What,
just for home protection?"

I'm like, "I don't know.
It just feels like it's time."

- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (CHUCKLES)

"What do you mean?"
"When they come around

looking for Jews
who have had HBO specials..."

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

"...I just want to go
down shooting, that's all.

I don't think I'll win.

I just want
to go down shooting.

That's my right
as an American.

That's what
the Second Amendment
is all about.

It's like--
It's not about gun ownership.

It's about going down shooting!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I currently have a bat.

I'm a grown man
with my own house

on the second floor,
in his own bedroom,

with a bat next to his bed.
That you can see.

- Like I live in a dorm room.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And I'll be honest with you,
I don't think I could hit

a guy with a bat...

let alone shoot a guy
with a gun. I mean...

if you're going
to hit a guy with a bat,

you better have hit a guy
with a bat before.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Or you're just going to end up
getting hit with your own bat.

That's how that's going to go.
And it's...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...and it's going
to happen very quickly.

And you're not even
going to understand how.

You'll just be like,
"Get the fuck out of my head!

What's happening?

Why am I running in my house?
Ow!"

And I have an alarm system.

I have a very expensive,
multi-laser alarm system

that protects the gemstone
I have in my foyer.

- It's a...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yeah, it's a gift
from George Soros.

- It's the bonus level.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You know, when you replace
a certain number.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But even with the alarm,
if I hear something in my house,

I'll pick up that bat,
upstairs, in my boxers.

And I'll pick it up
and walk around.

And a voice comes out of me

that only comes out of me
when I'm holding a bat.

And I'll do it for you.
But brace yourself.

- It's intense.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"What's going on down there?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Who's down there?
What's going on?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

MARC: Yeah. Right.

If you're breaking
into my house, you take pause.

"Holy shit. You hear that, man?
That guy means business.

Sounds like he's got
a bat up there.

I've been doing this
a long time.

That's definitely bat voice."

"I'm coming down there!"

"He won't.

- Not that guy."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLES)
"Let's just take the Jew stone

- and get out of here."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I'll be honest with you,
I like having a bat because...

it's good. A bat is good.

Beca-- Look, I'm a-- You know,
I'm a moody person.

I have good days,
I have bad days, you know.

But in my heart,

I know, that no matter
how bad my day is,

I'm never going to look
at a bat and think,

"I'm going to kill myself."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Because that would take
some time...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

...and a level of commitment
I don't think I have.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Fuck it, man. Fuck this shit.
Fucking done with it, man."

(IMITATES CLACKING) "Ow, fuck!

Wow. Fuck, man. Whoo!"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

"Oh."

"Fuck this life, man.

I don't want to live anymore."
(IMITATES CLACKING)

"God damn it."
(IMITATES CLACKING) "Ow, fuck!"

(IMITATES CLACKING, GROANS)

- "I feel better."
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)

"Wow. That was great.
I think that's all I needed.

I got to remember that.

I got to remember that."
Thank you very much.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

♪ (CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (CAT MEOWING)