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Oh, my God,
you look exactly like me.

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What the actual fuck?

What the...
This is my special film,

and I'm now being haunted
by myself.

Are you me after the special?
Did I do well?

Are you here to warn me
of something?

That's completely
knocked me off.

That's the weird thing
about doing comedy.

If you stand long enough
talking into a microphone,

men who look like you
will gather around

to hear what you have to say.

No, I think this is
going to relate to me. Yeah.

Let's get whooping.

Yeah, cheering.

Please welcome
to the stage Horatio Gould.

Yes, yes, yes.
Thank you for coming.

Our generation
is underrated, man.

I think it is.
I was on the phone with my dad.

And he was laughing
about the fact

that we might get conscripted
to fight in World War III.

Yeah. He was saying
we're all snowflakes

with learning difficulties.

And that we'd be terrible
on the front line.

And I'm sick of this
because I think we'd be better

than he would
give us credit for 'cause it's true.

Right, our generation, we do
have more learning difficulties,

more mental health disorders,
more dysmorphias, you name it,

than any other generation,
that's true,

but that's not necessarily
a weakness.

You just got to learn
how to weaponize

our learning difficulties.

Dyslexics. Get them
on Morse Codes, right?

Enemy listening in,

"What the fuck
are they talking about?"

You've got to be smart.

ADHD, I'd get them
on drone strikes, right?

Like... Won't they
get distracted?

Not with a Subway Surfer
video underneath.

Hyper focused, deadly.

National security.

Girls with anxiety disorder,
that's where you come in.

That's where
overthinking is an asset.

"I feel like
everyone wants me dead."

"That's exactly what
we're looking for, ma'am.

"Don't trust anyone."

Vegans, we'll need them.

They're built
for trench warfare, right.

Get a bit peckish,
handful of mud,

that's them sorted.

Spies, gender fluid.
Very versatile.

No one knows their next move.
Keep them guessing.

We could teach them all
TikTok dances

about how to avoid landmines.

It's good.

And also, the armies of old,
didn't you select gay people in?

Remember Don't Ask, Don't Tell?

Fuck that. Do ask. Do tell.

I'm gonna get a squadron
of bitchy little twinks

behind enemy lines
doing what they do best,

spreading misinformation, right.

The gossip squad.
"Yeah, I think they're gonna attack from the west.

"Don't tell anyone
I told you that, all right."

You've got to be smart with it.

Autism. We've got
to weaponize British autism.

Some of the best autism
in the world.

Francis Bourgeois,
that train guy,

get him off trains,
get him on tanks.

That's what I'm talking about.

GoPro strapped to his head.

"There's five in the bunker
over there."

He'd be absolutely terrifying.

I think we'd take the
World War II generation, man.

I think we would,
because they were all like 5'2",

the same generic
straight white man.

I'd like to see them
against a pack of furries

running on all fours.

Terrifying.

No, I'm... I'm sick of my dad
saying our generation is soft.

We're just harder
in a different way, you know.

His first memory was
England winning the World Cup.

My first memory
was 2 Girls, 1 Cup.

All right, it's...

He grew up watchingThe Muppets on TV.

I grew up watching
ISIS beheading videos

on my Tamagotchi, all right,
it's different.

But what I do respect
about my dad is he doesn't...

He doesn't give a fuck.
He's not anxious about things

in the same way that I am.

Like, two separate girlfriends

have tried to kill that man
with a kitchen knife.

He falls asleep as soon
as his head hits the pillow.

Like, no one has ever slept
better than my dad.

I once misgendered
a six-year-old,

I now can't sleep forever.

I mean,
he really doesn't give a fuck.

He called me Horatio,
just so he could make fun of me.

I mean, that's true.
He's called John, right.

If I ever get lippy with him,
he'll be like,

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lord Horatio.

"Oh, what's the matter?
Not to your pleasing?"

If someone
calls my name in public,

he'll just laugh to himself
like a prick.

He calls me Fellatio
in front of my friends.

This is child abuse.
It should be illegal.

That's why if I have a son,
I'm gonna settle some scores.

I can't have
a sweet baby boy like James.

He'll have no respect for me.

James. Horatio.
The power dynamics are off.

That's why if I have a son,

gonna call him
"Colonel-Qaddafi." All one word.

Teach the little prick
some manners, yeah.

Call his sister "Kony 2012".
Lay down the law.

We've got
to find that guy as well.

Now, my dad's a funny man.

He's like this weird mix
between like a...

He's like an East End
wheeler-dealer, right.

But he's recently found

this sort of
new age spirituality,

but refuses to change
his old personality.

So now he's this sort of
jarring mess of different people

where he very sincerely
says things like,

"Son, right, only cunts
don't align their chakras,

"all right."

Or he storms
out of his room, furious.

Like, "Who fucked up
the feng shui in my room?

"Which one
of you fuckers was it?"

Genuinely, my dad went
on a two-week silence retreat

in Northern India,
lasted 45 minutes

because they weren't showing
West Ham games, all right.

It's like if Guy Ritchie
directed to Eat, Pray, Love.

It's a nightmare.

But I was mainly raised
by my mom and my sister.

And my mom, she was a...
A big thing for her,

she didn't want me being
desensitized to violence, right.

So she wouldn't let me play
violent video games

like Call of Duty.

But actually, Call of Duty
was a key male bonding experience.

After school, they'd get online,
they'd play Call of Duty,

and it'd probably be
the happiest time in their lives, you know.

So instead of having
that key bonding experience,

I was home alone,

playing the turn-based
strategy game

Civilization V, right.

Now this fucked me up way more

than Call of Duty ever could.

This desensitized me to violence
on a far more profound level.

Because I wasn't
a soldier following orders.

I was a genocidal warlord
giving the orders.

It wasn't good.

My friends were shooting guns.

I was manufacturing famines

with my
agricultural policy, all right.

They were working as a team
to achieve a mission, right.

I poisoned my son
because I viewed him as a threat, all right.

It fucked me up.

I also grew up
with an older sister.

That's traumatizing. Yeah...

If you're a guy
and you have an older sister,

it really, it really warps
your view of women

because I grew up thinking

that all women were
violent criminals, you know.

She used to just
beat the shit out of me.

And guys at school be like,

"Oh, imagine
being beaten up by a girl."

I didn't have to.

Every night I'd come home

with The Undertaker
waiting for me.

Turning our bedroom
into the Octagon.

She basically...
She wanted a sister,

and if I didn't dress up
in a dress and do makeup,

she'd slam my head
in an Easy Bake oven,

run me over in a toy car,
pelt me with Sylvanians.

It was awful.

Until that one moment
in every younger brother's life,

my puberty kicks in.

Male privilege comes up online.

She's putting me
in a chokeslam,

and I just go, "Enough."

Send her flying
across the room,

and she looks at me
as she realizes...

...things
are going to be a little different around here.

There's a new sheriff in town.
So I thought.

But that's when
the physical abuse

seamlessly transitioned
into emotional abuse.

The Cold War had begun.

She no longer hit me
with a pillow.

She now just told my friends
I humped my pillow.

Psychological warfare.
Way worse.

But men and women
aren't that different.

But I'd be lying
if I didn't think

there was still maybe
some fundamental differences.

Like, I was watching this film

where this woman was trying
to seduce a man, okay.

And she comes up to him
in like a cocktail dress,

and whispers in his ear,

"I forgot to wear
my panties," okay.

And his eyes light up
because it's clearly very sexy

that this poor woman

has forgotten
her panties, right.

And I was thinking about it.

Even if you reach a sort of
genderless, non-binary utopia,

I just don't know
if it'll ever be sexy

for a man to forget his pants.

I just don't know
if that will ever be sexy.

A woman forgetting her pants,
that's sexy.

A man forgetting his pants,

that's "Get out
of this library, Derek." You know.

"Did you come alone?
Let's get you home."

You know,
it's a very different vibe.

Horny men paying
thousands of pounds

for women's dirty underwear.

No woman wants
a man's dirty underwear.

Unless it's evidence
in a court case,

that's the only time.

If I'm buying
my girlfriend pants,

it'll be like a sexy
Valentine's Day treat.

If she's buying me pants,

I'm calling her
from a pub toilet saying,

"It's happened again."
All right. It's a...

But I'm trying
to be more romantic.

We went on
a romantic holiday recently.

Went to a city in Morocco
called Marrakech, right.

And maybe this is
a bit patronizing of me,

but she hasn't
really traveled as much.

So I sort of
wanted to prepare her

because there's a lot of
street harassment for women

because it's like Marrakech.

If you're not used to it,
it could be a bit of a shock, right.

And when we got there,
a lot of the market traders

in the souks were like,
"You're beautiful.

"You're an angel.
I want to marry you."

And there's a lot of this stuff.

You know,
we prepared for that.

What we hadn't prepared for
was them all calling me ugly.

We weren't ready for that shit.

"Leave your ugly boyfriend."

"Look at his creepy mustache."

I'm getting called creepy
by a man

who harasses women all day.

That's a low point.

Honestly, walking through
the souks of Marrakech

was like going through
an anxiety dream.

All my worst insecurities
being shouted at me.

"Lanky giraffe boy."

It's Jeffrey Dahmer."
For fuck's sake.

One of them genuinely said

I look like the dwarf
from Game of Thrones

if he was normal height.
It's like, Christ...

The first person in history

to wear a burka
for his mental health.

It was brutal.

You know, on this holiday,
I wanted to...

I wanted to perform better
in the bedroom, all right,

because it was
a romantic holiday.

I wanted to be
a more generous lover.

Boys, can I hear
a "Hell yeah"?

Hell yeah.

Doesn't work
with my audience.

Boys, can I hear a, "Oh, sorry"?

I was trying
to last longer in bed,

but I think... I don't know
if you'll relate to this,

I think I tried too hard

because I started
to become traumatized

by the things
I have to think of to not come.

Now... Obviously, men,
to make themselves last longer,

they'll think of
the least sexual thing possible.

It will be like their
all-time Premier League XI,

their nan taking the bins out,
whatever it is.

But I can't relate
to that, boys,

I finished that stuff off
years ago.

My head is dark. It's bleak.

It's war, battlefields,
bloodshed, famine,

Civilization V all over again.

Comic Relief
without the funny bits.

And even if she
rolls over and says,

"That was great."
Yes, but at what cost?

What was lost along the way?

I've got PTSD.

You know, in her head,
it's all sunshine and rainbows.

In my head,
it's like the opening to Saving Private Ryan.

I'm on the beach of Normandy.

My brothers are going down
either side of me.

It's hell on earth.

Every time she asks for sex,

I'm like, "Don't send me back
to the front lines."

"It was incredible.
He lasted all night."

Yeah, that man had
the worst night of his life.

He did four tours of Vietnam.
Check in on him, all right.

It's a crisis of
male mental health, you know.

The problem is,
now, every time I finish

thinking of these
awful traumatic things,

I'm developing
a Pavlovian response to trauma.

Now BBC News comes on,
"There's been a famine in Darfur."

I'm hard as a rock.

Someone explain that erection.

I know it's dark up here.

I have
a pretty vanilla sex life.

Nothing crazy, you know.

My house mate
uses safe words, all right.

His safe word's tangerine.

Maybe I'm a bit old fashioned,

but I think
if you're using safe words,

you've clearly gone too far.

If "Please stop" doesn't work,
you've obviously gone too far.

Text whichever parent
you're upset with

and sort it out
because that's just...

442, missionary,
grow up, be an adult.

The closest
I've ever been to any sort of kinky sex is my...

My ex was very
into pegging.

James, do you know
what pegging is?

Yes.

Like an old oak tree
that's seen many winters.

No. Whatever
you're into, that's fine.

But the idea of this
terrified me

because nothing's ever
gone up there, right.

So in my head, it was like
stroking a cat the wrong way.

I don't know. It just seemed
like it would be uncomfortable.

But then she said
something very interesting.

She said, "Look,
the male G spot is up the ass.

"So the next level
of sexual pleasure for men

"is up the ass.

"The only reason
why you, as a man,

"are turning down
the next level of sexual pleasure

"is because deep down,
you're homophobic.

"You hate gay people."

I said,
"I don't hate gay people.

"I love Tom Cruise. Like..."

But I was thinking about it.
I said, "Maybe I am homophobic."

Maybe this is all sort of
deep-seated homophobia

that I haven't processed,
and I very nearly did it.

Because I'm an ally, you know,
you've got to do your part.

And it wasn't until I heard
that Velcro strap...

...that I was like,
"Tangerine, tangerine."

My point is, I think
we've come a long way as men.

You know, my dad, terrified
of anyone thinking he's gay.

"I'm not gay.
I'm not wearing that.

"I'm not drinking that.
I'm not gay."

Our generation,
we're completely different.

Now it's like,
"Please fuck me up the ass.

"I'm not homophobic." Like that.

Has to be progress.

Surely, we're moving
in the right direction.

But things are going well
with my girlfriend. Um...

I'd never cheat
on my girlfriend.

That normally gets
a standing ovation, so...

High standards.

I'd never cheat
on my girlfriend.

I'm many things,
I'm not a cheater,

but I just don't like
how confident she is I won't.

Do you know what I mean?
I find that quite emasculating.

I was eating
a Fruit Pastilles ice lolly,

which is
a very vulnerable time for any man,

overhear her
on the phone going,

"Oh, Horatio,
he'll never cheat on me. Never."

That's rude.

She never goes through my phone
whenever I'm in the shower.

Never goes through it.
It's a sign of disrespect.

My friend says,
"She trusts you."

No, she doesn't believe in me.
That's what's going on there.

I want to cheat on her
to teach her a lesson.

Because it's always
the ones you least expect.

It's always the ones
you least expect, ladies.

If you think you're safe,
you're never safe.

Think of Stephen Hawking's wife.

Stephen Hawking
cheated on his wife

with his nurse.

Imagine her face
when she found out.

There's a lot of obstacles
dating someone in Stephen Hawking's condition.

Right. That's not
a controversial thing to say.

I'm sure he'd be
the first to admit it.

You wouldn't think one of those
obstacles would be loyalty.

All right.
You at least know where he is.

Is he sneaking off at night?
You'd hear him.

Makes a beep
when he reverses. I mean...

Crawling back in
through the window late at night,

got a brassiere
stuck in his wheel arch.

Like, what?

Did you find nudes
on his laptop?

"I thought you were doing
science stuff, Stephen."

And obviously people pull back
when I make jokes about Stephen Hawking,

I completely respect that.

But the idea of him
gaslighting her

is objectively hilarious.

It just is.

I don't know what to do with it,
but it's too funny not to...

"Come on, baby. You know you're the only one for me."

Like, that is funny. I'm sorry.

His little fuckboy haircut.

Gold chain.

Wearing Lynx Africa.

"I thought it was you, baby.

"It wasn't me."

I mean,
a Shaggy-Stephen Hawking club would be unreal.

♪ Picture this
We're both butt naked

♪ Banging on
the bathroom floor ♪

"Can you help me up?" "Okay."

But I'd never cheat on my girlfriend.

I'd never cheat
on my girlfriend.

There's one woman.

In recent years,
I've developed a crush on a woman...

that I really shouldn't, okay.

And it's starting
to really upset me

because it's very confusing
and uncomfortable,

the feelings I have
for this woman.

I recently developed
very upsetting sexual feelings

for the refugee
and terrorist Shamima Begum.

Now that's obviously crazy.
That's obviously insane.

You're shocked.
How do you think I felt?

All right.
This didn't happen to you.

I don't know what it was.
It was that second interview.

You know,
with the sideways baseball cap, vest top,

just devil-may-care vibe.

And I'm not trying
to objectify Shamims, right.

Because it's not even
a looks thing.

There's an attitude there.

She's a bad girl, right.

And "bad girl"
gets thrown around a lot these days.

A lot of people will be like,
"My best friend's such a bad bitch,"

and there'll be like
a white woman badly twerking in the club.

Imagine me rocking up
with Shamima on my arm.

"My girl joined ISIS.
That's a bad bitch right there."

All these girls like,

"Well-behaved women
don't make history,"

don't like it
when I bring Shamima along.

Don't like that naughty woman.

And morally,
I think it's a disgrace

she wasn't let back
into the country.

I genuinely do.

But practically, I'm happy
because we'd end up together.

We would.
We're soul mates. I just know it.

We both live
in East London, it's...

I don't know.

I mean,
I'd watch that romcom. Uh...

When Horatio Met Shamima.

You know that scene
in like American romcoms,

where the male lead
takes the glasses off the nerdy girl

to show that
she's been beautiful all along.

That same scene
with me and Shamima,

just with her suicide vest.

All right, that is just...

"Baby, you're beautiful
without it."

If this show
is about anything, it's about,

I guess, about masculinity,

and I think the...

I think the most traditionally
masculine thing about me

is I like live football.

I like going to football games.

It feels like
a very safe space for men.

Live football game
is a safe space

where for 90 minutes
you'd just go,

"Oh, fuck off, you! Fuck off!"

And then they're all over there.
"Oh, you fuck off."

We're both having
the best time of our lives.

But it's interesting.
There's always two middle fingers

at a football game.

"Fuck off.
Don't give a shit. Fuck you."

One would be unhinged,
wouldn't it?

"He really hurt my feelings,
all right." That's emo.

"Where are you?"
Like, this is...

Football's in
a funny place, though.

There's been a big push
in football against racism,

and they
used to have this slogan,

which was "Kick it out",
which to me is the perfect slogan.

Short, sharp, to the point.

But then, even with the slogan,

it felt like racism
wasn't going anywhere.

So they decided
to change the slogan

from "Kick it out",
to "No room for racism."

Harder stance.
"No room for racism."

All over the grounds.
"No room for racism."

When I saw "No room for racism,"

it sort of felt like a bit of
a step down, if you ask me,

because when I see
"No room for racism,"

it sort of feels like
they're saying,

if there was room for racism,

they'd bloody love to have it.

Like, that is a very polite way
to get rid of systemic racism.

Like, "Oh, my God,
Racism, I'm so sorry.

"We've literally got no room
at the moment.

"We've got too much sex
and homophobia.

"We can't squeeze you in
right now."

"Try cricket. I think there's
still some room for racism."

I normally go to football
with my friend Graham.

Um, Graham's the stupidest man
I've ever met in my life.

He's my agent.
He's called Graham.

Which means he was raised
by parents who thought in 1997,

it was acceptable
to call a baby "Graham."

Now most names mean something
quite beautiful and nice.

Does anyone know
what their name means by any chance?

Anyone know
what their name means?

- What's your name?
- Rachel.

- What does Rachel mean?
- Little lamb.

Little lamb, isn't that sweet?

Graham is Saxon
for gravel. So...

I used to get the bus home
from school every day

with my boy Gravel, right.

And one night
he just goes, "Yes."

I go, "Graham, what's going on?"
He goes,

"My parents aren't home.
I can wank in the sitting room."

So he's one of these guys.

During our Math GCSE,
he sat two rows behind me.

Halfway through the exam,
he goes... "Psst. Horatio."

"What?"
And he goes, "What am I?

"I'm a cats-paw mole."

I mean, that's pretty good. I still use that actually.

The funny thing is,
it did take Graham 10 years

to pass his Math GCSE
after that point.

He literally passed
four months ago,

and posted on Facebook,

"To all the teachers
who never believed in me,

"this is for you."

Ah, you proved them wrong.

Something that
Graham said that really pissed me off recently

is he told me that he has
a phobia of sharks, all right.

And this really fucked me off.

Because I don't think
you can have a phobia of sharks.

'Cause I think we all have
a phobia of sharks.

Because they're fucking sharks.

It's like saying
you've got a phobia of being shot in the head

by a machine gun.

"It's this really weird thing.
People start firing live ammunition at my head,

"I just freak out.
I've had it since I was a child."

What are you talking about?

He loves talking about
what to do in case of a shark attack.

What would you do
if you're attacked by a shark in open water?

Anyone answer that?

Smack in the schnoz.

Smack it in the schnoz.

That's exactly what Graham said.

I'm sick to death

of people telling me
to punch a shark in the face,

but as if it's some
sort of life hack.

As if it's some sort of like
Bear Grylls survival tip.

Beating a shark
in hand to hand combat.

I always knew defeating it
in battle was an option.

It's just a terrible option.
You're fucked.

Do you think anyone's
ever been out at sea like,

"Oh, my God, a shark! What...

"What did Graham say about...

"Why didn't I think of that?

"Just what the fuck you doing?"

So, clearly a geezer who came up
with it under pressure.

What would I do?
Shark's coming at me.

One of these, mate.
Lights out with this bad boy.

You know what to do
if a gorilla's coming at you?

You wait for it
and give it a wet willy.

Very sensitive ears, actually.

And I was making fun of Gravel,

but he did get me back, though,

because, um, he said

I looked like the head boy
of the Hitler Youth,

which I feel...

isn't accurate.

And I thought about it more.

In many ways, I wish
I looked like the head boy

of the Hitler Youth

because that's a Nazi
filled with confidence.

That's an alpha Nazi.

But that's not the Nazi
I look like. Let's be real, guys.

Like I'm trying
to be more confident,

but this Nazi wouldn't have
seen the front lines.

I'd be one of those sort of
camp nervous Nazi bureaucrats.

You see them
in the backgrounds of the films,

work around
the typewriters, like,

"Oh, nein, I'm sure
this is the right idea."

You know, these ones?

That's this Nazi.

Maybe at the end of the film,

I burst into
the control room, like,

"Oh, Mein Fuehrer,
the American is coming."

And that's my only line
for the entire film.

You know, that Nazi.

I look like the only Nazi
who got incredibly excited

when he found out
Hugo Boss was designing the uniforms, you know.

"The trouser is so tight,

"but I like it, Klaus, yeah."

I mean, obviously Nazis, worst blokes of all time,

shittiest guys ever.

They could undeniably
put a fit together, though.

Undeniably, Nazis had drip.

For homophobes, it was veryQueer Eye for the Straight Guy.

How they put those
cute little outfits together.

The leather gloves,
the shiny boots, you know,

Queer Eye for a Nazi,
I'd watch that, you know.

Have you seen Nazis these days?

What the fuck has happened?

It's like fat
cross-eyed Americans who are like,

"God hates the gays"
written on their T-shirt.

Does he hate fashion
as well, mate? Jesus Crist.

Like, if you're the master race,
dress to impress.

Let's put the fashion
back in fascism, please.

It's just not
as fun anymore, man.

None of the bad guys
are dressing well anymore.

All bad guys are dressing worse.

It's genuinely a sign
of cultural decay.

Nazis dressing worse.

Terrorists dressing awfully
these days.

It's been a terrible
couple of years for terrorists.

My mom's generation,
they used to have the IRA, right?

With their cute
little khaki shackets,

they'd get them from Zara,
you know.

Balaclava. It was a look, right.

When we were growing up
with ISIS,

ISIS, head to toe in black,
very slimming.

And they knew that.
Very Berlin. Very Berghain.

Queer Eye for a Jihad,
I'd watch that as well.

Now what do we got?
The new terrorists.

Incels. These are the new guys.

You've seen
these school shooters? It's a disgrace.

Chubby white virgins.

Their, like, ironic T-shirts
with non-ironic cum stains on them.

You've seen these guys?

Fedoras, Crocs and socks.

It's a disgrace.

They don't even want
something exciting anymore.

Like, ISIS, they want death
to the entirety of the west, right.

That's exciting.
They're dreamers, you know.

Incels are just sad and horny.

They just want to have sex
with something that's not made of plastic.

Like it feels like
we've gone downhill.

Though I do like the idea

of a jihadi promised
72 virgins in the afterlife

greeted by 72 incels, like,
"It's great up here.

"They've got World of Warcraft
with all the expansion packs."

"No. Not these virgins. No!"

Poor jihadi
playing Dungeons & Dragons for eternity.

I'll be honest. If you
didn't like the last two bits,

I think you're
gonna really hate this one.

Bad guys are dressing worse.

There's an exception
to the rule, though.

Pedophiles...

are dressing a lot better.

To be fair to pedophiles,

it's been an unbelievable
turn around in the garments department.

Because if I was a member
of the, let's be honest,

much-maligned
pedophile community,

I'd be upset
with how I'm represented in the media, you know,

because growing up
as a young pedophile...

I'd be upset with,
you know, my role models

because everyone I looked on TV
would be these sort of like,

sweaty, balding losers
who live in their mom's basement.

They've got no charisma.
They've got no mates.

When you see them
on pedophile hunter videos, they just wouldn't...

It's the kind of guys
Chris Hansen is catching.

It just wouldn't hit the same.
It'd erode my self-confidence

as a young pedophile,

trying to make his way
in the world.

But recently, it's all changed.

R. Kelly, Jeffrey Epstein,
Michael Jackson.

They can sing, they can dance,
they've got friends.

It's changing.

When I was at school,
if you had dodgy facial hair

or a shit jacket,
they'd be like, "Mate, you're like a pedo."

Now you've got
a tailored suit, bit of swagger.

It's like, "Mate,
you're looking like a pedophile."

Like, it's a compliment now.

I watched a documentary
about pedophiles, um,

hosted by Stacey Dooley.

Stacey Dooley is incredible.

This is the first time
I'd ever seen Stacey Dooley.

I can't believe it
I've just discovered her.

She goes to these amazing places

and has conversations
with extraordinary people

and adds nothing.
It's quite amazing.

She had
this extraordinary interview

with an open pedophile,
all right.

Harrowing interview.
This guy identified as a pedophile.

He'd brought
a child sex doll along. Horrendous.

Okay, and then
when he's leaving,

after ten minutes of talking,

there's a shot of him
walking down the hotel corridor

with his child sex doll.

And the voiceover
from Stacey goes,

"I wouldn't leave that man
alone with my daughter

"in a million years."

Yeah.

Oh, you mean the guy
with the child sex doll?

Yeah, I'd like to think so.

Jesus Christ.
Thanks, Stacey. God.

Something that really
grinds my gears. Why...

Why when they're caught
with child porn,

why is there always
so much child porn?

Has anyone ever wondered?
It's never a couple of videos.

There's always 15 terabytes.

I mean, I get
choice paralysis with Netflix.

I mean, this is unbelievable.

As my mother says,
"Everything in moderation."

I'm, uh, I'm 27.

Uh, I don't...
That doesn't really mean much anymore. Um...

I guess the only thing
that changes...

I started getting sponsored ads
for hair pills.

Well, I found out that the main
side effect of hair pills

is a low sex drive.

What sort of
deal with the devil is this?

What sort of Faustian bargain?

Are you telling me the only way

that women are gonna still
want to have sex with me,

I'm gonna no longer
want to have sex with them.

That's not fair.

They're giving me two options.

I'm either
an asexual Jesus. Right.

With long, luscious hair,
above the desires of the flesh.

"Be away from me, whore."

Or a horny bald goblin man
furiously masturbating.

I don't mind pegging.
I don't have a safe word.

Like that...

I've started...
Instead of saying "absolutely", um,

I've started saying
"abso-froot-ley."

Which doesn't sound
like a big deal.

I appreciate that,
but it's very easy

for the human ear
to miss an "absolutely"

for an "abso-froot-ley."

That's why I like to see
how serious the situation.

Can I switch out "absolutely"
for "abso-froot-ley"?

Mate, if you're like,
"Mate, do you want a pint?"

And I was like,
"Abso-froot-ley."

There's no stakes there.

That's just a cheeky lad
loving his life.

My girlfriend's like, "Do you
even see a future with us?"

"Babe, abso-froot-ley."

Like there's a level there.

My dream is maybe I become
like a news reader or something.

Position of power.

"The wildfires
ravaged all night, leaving the community

"abso-froot-ley devastated."

Like that would be...

I know abso-froot-ley
is a bit of fun, a bit silly.

Something that's less fun
is that I can't stop saying

the word "legend", all right.
It's becoming a real issue.

And judging by some of the guys
who look like me,

I'm sure you suffer
from the same affliction as me.

Just anytime anyone
does anything, "legend."

Even if you're like,
"I drank two pints last night."

Legend.

But all the way up to,
"My dad died from alcohol abuse." "Legend."

Like, it's getting me into...

"I spoke to a girl
last night." "Legend."

"I have 15 terabytes
of child porn." "Legend."

It's getting me
into bad situations,

because the word "legend"
has been devalued in recent years.

It's a lot easier
to be a legend now than it used to be.

It used to be hard graft
to be a legend.

Think of Odysseus.

They put that cunt
through the wringer

to be a legend.

After ten years at war,

my boy wanted
to come home to his wife,

and he was kept away by who?

By the god
of the sea himself, Poseidon.

He was forced to sail
the seven seas

for another ten years,

defeating monsters,
harpies, gods, you name it,

to return home

to find 40 men
trying to fuck his wife, right.

And the only thing
that kept Odysseus going that whole time

was the power
of true love itself, right.

And only then, Homer,
the author was like,

"What a fucking legend," right.

These days, you put
a traffic cone on your head...

You're a legend.

They'd sing songs of your deeds,

you are a legend.

Yes. No, I do feel...

You know, James,
I'm sure you can relate to this.

There's a lot of pressure
on young men these days.

It's an interesting time
to be a man.

I feel there's
a lot of pressure on us to open up.

You ever hear, "It's okay
not to be okay"? You hear this?

Everyone's trying
to get us to open up.

It's okay not to be okay.

We hear this all the time,
we're young boys.

Starting to feel like
it's not okay to be okay sometimes.

You know,
I'm making up disorders

just to fit with my friends.
It's exhausting.

Every BBC documentary,
there's an ex-footballer

talking about how hard it is

for men to talk
about their feelings.

It's like, "Lad, you've got
a six-part documentary.

"It doesn't look
that fucking hard.

"If anything,
you're going on a bit."

Every podcast is a celebrity
opening up about their trauma.

And it started off
with cool stuff.

You know, rock and roll,
drugs, alcohol, that kind of stuff.

But then every celebrity

went on
The Diary Of A CEO podcast,

and just scraped the barrel
with whatever they could find.

I saw Richard Osman on there

talking about
his food addiction.

It's like,
"Lad, you like Quavers.

"You're not Amy Winehouse?"
Do you know what I mean?

The host pisses me off.

It's like if you made
a Huel bottle a therapist.

It's ridiculous.

Get a sob story
out of his Capri-Suns.

"Do you feel drained?" "Yes."

The moment I realized

there's at least
no longer a taboo about men's mental health

is when I saw
the beloved actor Terry Crews

go on that same podcast

to talk about
his porn addiction, right.

It's an extraordinary interview.
It's an hour and a half long.

Neither of them
crack a smile once.

Terry says, at its worst,

he'd start watching porn
at 9:00 in the morning

and wouldn't stop
till 11:00 p.m. at night.

All right, that's 14 hours
of solid wanking.

And that's when I thought,
"You know what?

"Maybe honesty
isn't the best policy.

"Maybe it's between you
and your therapist,

not the biggest podcast
in the country."

And what annoyed me
is the way that the host, Steven Bartlett,

upon hearing that
a grown man's wanked for 14 hours,

the questions he asks
the whole time,

"Wow, that's
incredible, powerful."

Asking about how
it affects his mental health,

how it affects
his relationships,

about porn's effect
on society as a whole.

These aren't
the questions you ask

when a man tells you
he's wanked for 14 hours.

If I was the host, I'd be like,

"14 hours? What the fuck?

"Ugh!

"That's grim, Terry.
That's disgusting.

"Ugh. I can't believe
you said that.

"That's actually embarrassing."

The questions
I'd actually ask Terry,

you know,
"What was your first video?"

More importantly,
"What was your last video?"

What video, after 14 hours
of wanking, were you like,

"You know what.
That's enough porn for today, actually.

"I've had my fill."

What did lunch look like?

Do you have it on
in the background?

Like my mom has Radio 4 on.
Like, what's going on?

And obviously, men should talk
more about their feelings.

But it's such
a funny male response.

You know, men need to open up,
and Terry is like,

"Well, I've been wanking
for 14 hours."

"Not that, Terry.
You keep that shit to yourself."

But, yeah,
the older I get, I find...

It's interesting
because I find important life lessons

from weirder and weirder places.

Not from the places
you'd expect, I guess.

Like I recently learned,
and it's a bit cliche,

but I recently learned
how to enjoy the present more,

about enjoying the journey
and the ride.

Because in comedy it's very easy
to always want that next thing.

And it's easy to forget
to enjoy now.

I'm very grateful
you guys are all here tonight

and I'm trying
to be more present.

I learned this
from the Taliban because...

my boys in Kabul
are in a very interesting situation.

Because there's
a quiet melancholy

to the Taliban these days.

There is
because they've achieved

all of their dreams, right.

They've taken back Afghanistan,
the United States have left.

Women aren't allowed
to read, right.

They've got their big three.

But they're not as happy
as they thought they'd be.

Like, there's a lot
of these Taliban

jihadi desert fighters
been writing into western publications

saying how
they miss their old lives

because now these guys
have to run Afghanistan.

They're doing boring
nine to five jobs,

getting stuck in traffic
on the way to work.

Yogurt spills in their tote bag.
"For fuck's sake."

Ahmed does a Zoom call

that could have been an email,
you know.

Getting sent to HR
for inappropriate jokes,

sitting all day at their desk,
their back's killing them.

They look out the window,
and they reminisce

about the days in the desert

with the boys.

You didn't realize it,
but that was the good time.

Joyriding Jeeps,
firing AK... Ah... You know.

You didn't realize then.

Now they return home
to their wives,

and she doesn't have
any good stories anymore.

She's legally not allowed
to leave the house.

She doesn't get
any of your references,

and it just doesn't feel as good
as you thought it would.

And Miley Cyrus
touched on this...

in her seminal classic,
"The Climb."

You know, it's not
about how fast you get there.

It's not about what's waiting
on the other side.

♪ It's the climb ♪

She wrote that
about the Taliban. That's the song...

The quiet melancholy
of the Taliban.

I learned another life lesson
about being grateful

about being tall, um...

I learned that from Tom Cruise,
my favorite homosexual thespian.

Because every time
I watch a Tom Cruise film,

someone brings up his height.

As if they're better
than Tom Cruise.

As the little fella
literally backflips

off a skyscraper
onto a fighter jet.

He's doing everything
for your validation

and you're not giving it to him.

Though admittedly,

a bit of fun movie trivia
for you guys.

The reason he's so good
at doing his own stunts

is because his mass
is actually so small...

that he can't reach
terminal velocity,

so he sort of floats
like a piece of paper.

But that's not the point.

It's about respect.

People say that Tom Cruise
has a Napoleon complex.

This idea that short,
successful men

are only successful

because they're so insecure
about their height.

I mean,
how fucking rude is that...

to Napoleon, yeah.

The little lad...

single-handedly conquered Europe

and everyone's like,

"Oh, someone's
overcompensating for something."

It's like, give the man a break.
He tried his best.

He didn't start a podcast.
He stormed the gates of Rome. Like...

I bet if a short guy
found the cure for cancer,

people will be like,
"Mate, we get it.

"You've got a small dick.
Stop going on about it. Honestly."

People would, like, say that
Putin has a Napoleon complex.

There's a lot of stuff
you can get Putin on.

It feels weird
to get his height.

He's 5'7". That feels like

what people say
is like the toxic height, right.

Because if he was tall,
they wouldn't bring it up.

5'7", toxic, insecure.

Keep going, though.

3'11". What an inspiration.

Isn't that interesting?
It sort of goes full circle.

It's quite interesting.

"I don't agree
with his policies,

"but it's amazing
he's achieved so much.

"He's a disabled icon."

I learned another
important life lesson,

um, about what you can achieve

with focus
and determination, right.

And I learned that
from J.K. Rowling, right.

'Cause I have
a lot of respect for J.K.

I respect the tenacity
and drive that woman has

in destroying her legacy.

Like, it's amazing to watch.

Like, she wrote Harry Potter.

That's the biggest
book series ever.

She's a billionaire.
She lives in a castle.

She has nothing in this life
to prove to anyone.

And now, she just
spends her days on Twitter,

causing havoc,

destroying dreams

and just doing it
for the love of the game.

It's amazing to watch.

Carefully building this world
for misfits to escape to,

gets them all in there,
and is now like,

"Oh, look at these freaks."

Awesome. She's a legend, man.

Don't anyone
let you tell you different.

She's a fucking legend.

She's had so many
different periods online.

She had this weird period
where she'd try and like

win niche political arguments
by using her own characters.

She'd say things like,

"Well, Dumbledore would have
never voted for Corbyn."

You can't do that.

That's a wizard you made up.

You can't win an argument

with wizards you've made up
in your own head.

That's why I like to read
through all her mad tweets

and sort of imagine that
Harry Potter was never written.

She just sounds like
a mad woman at a bus stop.

Like Severus Snape
likes Nick Clegg.

What are you talking about?

I think my favorite J.K. period
was her woke era.

Do you remember her woke era?

She'd like retroactively
make Harry Potter a lot woke

than it actually was.

She'd say things like,
"Well, Dumbledore's actually gay. Yeah.

"He was gay the whole time.

"I'm not going to mention
the books because that'd be disgusting.

"But you know what I mean."

"Yeah. Ron.
Yeah, Ron's a sex worker.

"Thank you very much.
Respect his rights."

Hagrid's a pedophile.

Well, probably,
that's probably true.

Shouldn't have left those kids
unattended with Hagrid.

I've never seen an artist

retroactively make
their work woke.

I think more artists
should do that.

It'd be great, you know,
if Francis Ford Coppola came and...

"Oh, you thinkThe Godfather is problematic?

"Well, I think the Corleones
were going through a lot,

"seeing as they're all trans."

"You come to me on the day of my daughter's surgery."

Like, I think there's something.

You can call me godparent.

Look how they butchered madam.

The final life lesson I learned recently...

was the power of laughing

in the face of your life
falling apart. And I...

I learned that
a couple of years ago

when I did jury service, right.

I wanted to take this
quite seriously

because this
is someone's life at stake,

and it was a big court,
it was a proper trial.

But the trial and the case
was this 80-year-old Polish guy

who looked like the granddad
from the Dolmio advert, right.

A sweet, cuddly guy,
he was being accused of,

for fifteen days in a row
out of his second story window on East One High Street,

this little man
had been standing

out of his open window,

waving at people go past

whilst furiously
masturbating, okay.

By the way,
the legal term for masturbating

is "masturbating
his penis back and forth."

As opposed to side to side
or round and round, obviously.

But what was fascinating
about this whole case

and what I really respected
about this little fellow

was...

This wasn't settled
out of court, right.

There was
eight separate witnesses.

There was videos.
There was photos, right.

But he had come there
to win, right.

He pled not guilty.

That's what I respected
about him.

He didn't speak
a word of English.

Didn't move a muscle
the whole trial.

He was being translated to
the whole time. Okay.

And the defense,

it wasn't the best defense
in the world, admittedly.

His defense was

he wasn't masturbating
his penis back and forth.

It was a terrible coincident.

He's actually a sufferer
of rheumatoid arthritis

and was applying ointment
to his swollen joints

and had no idea
anyone could see.

When asked
why he decided to do it

out of an open window
on a busy high street,

he said 'cause the light
in his bathroom is not very good.

All right. It wasn't
the most watertight defense.

There's one amazing moment

where one of the witnesses
genuinely couldn't get over

the size of his penis, right.
Like the...

The judge had to move her along.

She was
this little Scottish lady.

She's like, "Such a wee man.
But such a big member."

"All right,
we understand, ma'am."

But everything's
being translated to this fellow with, like, a slight delay.

So I was always interested
to see how he'd react to things.

When he said that,
I quickly looked at him

and he's been completely still
for the whole time.

Gets translated
into his ear and he just goes...

Deep, hearty laugh
echoes around the chamber.

Behind him, three generations
of his family, all in tears.

But it came down
to the verdict, right.

And you have
a lot of power as a juror

because one not guilty,

the whole thing
is a hung jury, right.

Uh, so we're all
talking about it.

Everyone's like,
"Obviously guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty."

And it came to me
and I paused, right.

Because this man is a legend.

And I thought there's a bravery
to what this man did.

In many ways
he represents all of us.

And if I had a dick that big,
maybe I'd be doing the same.

So I got on my high horse.

It was like a film,
and I said, "Are we sure...

"that this man is guilty?

"We're putting away
an innocent man."

One of the juror's like,
"What the fuck? What'd you...

"You genuinely think
this man's innocent?"

I looked him dead in the eyes
and I said, "Abso-froot-ley."

I'm Horatio Gould.
Thank you so much.

Thank you so, so much.

Been an absolute pleasure.

Good night.