Original subtitles

Hey.

An absolute star.

Am I right, Tony?

Rupert, this man can make a buff timetable sound funny.

I wouldn't give up a day

job, eh, nothing?

Some grunt.

You can check it if you like.

Enough's enough.

For any further information, get in touch with my secretary.

Personal assistant?

Oh, yeah.

Personal assistant, Miss Laura March.

Yours sincerely, et cetera, et cetera.

All right, isn't it?

Yeah.

What's your mate?

Morning, Laura.

Harry. Yeah, I can, I promise.

One spare telephone to improve your business. And these for the good of your

soul.

Matty King?

Now, why am I so good to you?

Mind the paint, Harry? What?

It's all right, isn't it?

Eh? Yeah, great. Look at this.

Where does he get these, then, eh? Only from Matty King himself.

He's staying at the Woodcourt Park.

He's a bit past it, isn't he? He can fill any nightclub in the country, mate.

Well, in the Midlands, anyway.

Thanks for extension, anyway.

He makes me laugh.

Well, he's a bit passe, isn't he?

Well, you know what they say, Ken, don't you?

The old jokes are the best ones.

Who says?

Come off it, Ken.

He's very grateful, Harry, and he'd love to go. Are you coming as well? Oh, you

bet. So I'll see you there.

Well, I must dash.

I've got a pool to lounge by. Oh, thank you.

Application to a new gaming license, Your Worship, relating to a casino known

the Carrington in Windermere Street.

Any police objections?

None, Your Worship.

I've got an objection.

Oi!

All right, pal.

What's all this about?

Dick, please!

Two things.

Take the solicitor's advice and do a hand off my shoulder. Dick!

I'm troubled.

Sounds as if you could do with a bit more shut -eye, Matthew.

Morning.

Harry. Harry Crawford. Harry, aye, of course it is. Have a seat, Harry.

Thank you. A cup of tea?

No, thank you.

I didn't sleep too well last night, Harry.

Why was that?

It's the bogus man, the bogus man. They're all over the bed.

Well, not in this hotel.

I pulled the bed away from the wall. I kept pulling it back.

There was some cattle on him yesterday. They came all over the place.

They've got a pig in the corner as an air freshener.

I walled the wall. Fit it, Phil. Hurry.

So, your annual licence came up for renewal today.

The magistrate should have rubber -stamped it, but they've adjourned the

decision for a couple of weeks while there's some inquiries into allegations,

right? That's right.

Well, is there anything to these allegations?

I mean, was he cheated?

That's not the point.

Isn't it?

There's no way he could prove it. He lost.

End of story.

What do you want me for?

Because now the gaming board is going to be all over my casino like bad breath.

And if any of my staff is at it, I have to know before the inspectors.

Otherwise I'm up the proverbial creek, right?

Joe Green, nobody tells you a thing in here.

How

do

you remember them all, Matty? I can't remember a joke to save me life.

Oh, they're all in here, mate, all in here. 2 ,500 gags, aye?

Mothers -in -law, sex, Scarborough.

How does it feel to be back, Matty? What, in Nottingham?

Oh, to be touched on. To be touched on, this city.

When they go off me here, I'll pack it in.

You were discovered here, weren't you?

Aye, aye, aye.

Under a bush by David Attenborough.

No, no, you were part of a double act, weren't you?

Together with, oh, what's his name? Jimmy Chester, that's it, isn't it?

Whatever happened to him?

Well... You lose touch.

It's a screw more upset the hooker

You know that guy in court this morning?

Uh, Rupert Cole?

Yeah, see what you can find out about him. He's local, where he lives.

Check at the court.

If that's no good, smarm the court reporter.

Your taxi's ready when you are.

Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Was the food all right?

Oh, that food was lovely, lovely. Aye, scrumptious, scrumptious.

Oh, it's just I always feel a bit wobbly dick before a show, you know.

I know you're not supposed to do this, but, um... Yeah, well, uh...

What's in it for me?

You'd be doing me a favour.

If you are onto anything... Your newspaper will be the last to know.

Here we are, then. Here's my little operation.

Self -explanatory here.

Bar on the left.

And here's the action.

Roulette there.

Blackjack up there.

At the top, craps.

Do you feel like a drink?

I'll have a Coke. Right?

Right.

Ready?

That's all. Thank you. No more bets. That's all.

Can I see your chances?

I think I'd have more luck at cards.

Get it.

It'll be quiet tonight, won't it?

Not many days yet.

Depends to get moving around 11 o 'clock.

Come on, I'll show you around the rest of the place.

These people on the high stalls, are they there to spot any dirty business?

Sure, but who keeps an eye on them?

Oh, you think? I don't know, do I?

I don't think so, but it's your job to find out, isn't it?

Any word on Cole yet?

I've got someone working on it.

Are you sure Mr. Cole's left the hotel?

He went through after breakfast, but he hasn't checked out, so he'll be back

sometime.

Oh, what a shame. I did want to surprise him.

Tell you what, give me your number and I'll give you a ring when he gets back.

It's 501...

279.

You're an angel.

Don't let on I called, will you?

Bye.

But I am

Because when...

Oh,

a likely story.

Well, I hope Matty's in better form than this chicken.

Come on, Matty. Let's go, let's go. Come on, Tracy.

Hey, Matty.

This friend.

Come on, chill up.

Some time tonight, Tracy.

You're not daft, are you? Watch the show and get paid.

I wouldn't watch Mattie King unless I was getting paid.

Excuse me, I'll be back with the changes.

I've got this dreadful pain in my back.

Go on, I'll admit it, I had you going.

Thank you very much.

Marty.

He... My dressing room mirror, that was you?

I was out to get you there.

Well, I hope that mate look worth your wife.

What?

What a bloody family, eh?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, a big warm hearted welcome, the Meltingham's

very own High Sheriff of Comedy, the Phoenix Club is delighted to present,

King!

Oh that

one Joe, that's enough of that, go on eat and go off, do you want to go off?

Go on eat and go off, eat and go off.

And practice.

You all right, me ducks?

Yeah.

Back in Nottingham, I came all the way from Newcastle. I didn't get a lift till

I got to Leicester.

But it's nice to be here because... Actually, I shouldn't be here at all

my wife thinks I'm still on the toilet.

The fellow next door to us, last job he had, school prefect.

I was in his house yesterday. Wall to wall, fitted to shelf.

You have this pig in the corner as an air freshener.

I've got a hell of a thirst, actually. I've got a bad cough. I went to the

doctor's, you know. He gave me some of that syrup of figs.

Syrup of figs. I said, well, I've stopped me coughing. He said, you get

Don't even dare cough.

I said, can you tell me how Joe Green is from Ward C?

Ward C, sister speaking. Can you tell me how Joe Green is?

He said, yeah, he had his operation on Friday. He should have the stitches out

on Monday. He should be home the next day. He said, thank you very much. She

said, who's calling?

He said, Joe Green, nobody tells you a bloody thing in here.

I'm sorry, it's in the case.

But what the teacher said in the class, he said, today we're going to have a

spelling competition.

And she said, the first little boy, what's your name? He said, John Smith.

She said, can you spell that?

He said, no, miss. He said, it's easy, think about it. John.

There's your John.

Smith.

There's your Smith.

It's easy, think about it.

What's your name?

Archibald Arcelinton.

Can you spell that?

Yeah, well, think about it.

Oh, there's your arch, there's your arch, there's your eye, there's your

eye. Ball, there's your ball, there's your eyeball, there's your eyeball,

there's your arch eyeball.

Arse is your arse, it's your ball arse, it's your eyeball arse, it's your

eyeball arse, it's your arse, eyeball arse. Hole is your hole, that's your

arsehole, that's your ball arsehole, that's your eyeball arsehole, that's

eyeball arsehole, that's your arsehole, that's your eyeball arsehole. In there's

your, in there's your hole in, that's your arsehole in, that's your ball

arsehole in, that's your eyeball arsehole, that's your eyeball arsehole

that's your eyeball arsehole in.

Then there's your, then there's your in there, that's your hole in there, that's

your arsehole in there, that's your ball arsehole in there, that's your eyeball

arsehole in.

It's not a bloody joke.

It's

too

clear the way. Please.

It's urgent.

Too clear the way. Please.

Excuse me, please.

Well, if he ate the same chicken I did, I'd say it's food poisoning.

No, love, it wouldn't have come on that quick. It'll be something he ate before

it came out.

Didn't we sound quite good, please?

Keep on cashing in your chips and leaving, please.

What was all that about?

A card counter.

A what?

A card counter.

Someone who's able to remember exactly which cards have gone through and

his strategy accordingly.

Is that illegal?

No.

What do you mean you can throw a bloke out for being a good player?

No.

He was obviously a professional in any way.

The management reserves the right.

How generous.

Or perhaps that punter in the court this morning.

He was chucked out for winning perfectly legally.

Ken? He said he lost, remember?

He didn't throw up. I doubt if it's food poisoning.

Oh, thank God for that.

He wrote the same meal, did he?

Well, not exactly, no.

What is the matter with him?

Well, I can't be sure to reduce him more, Ted, but I'd say he's suffering

nervous exhaustion.

He's a comedian, isn't he?

That's right.

Well, it's a bit like being a junior hospital doctor. It goes with the

territory. Excuse me.

Look, I'm sorry, you'll have to wait. Mr King already has a visitor.

Can I come in?

Who are you?

Kim Boone.

Can I make myself a coffee? Only I can't afford one out there.

This is staff only.

Customers aren't allowed up here.

I'm not a customer.

What are you, then?

Security? No, no, no. God forbid.

I'm a writer. I'm researching a book on gambling.

What? Not very exciting, I'm afraid. Just a chapter in a thick book for thick

psychology students.

I'm an academic.

What? Like a professor?

Why is that so difficult to believe?

Well, I don't know.

You just don't...

Sound like one.

Well, or does David Bellamy?

Yes, he does.

Does he?

I saw you watching me just

now. Was I that obvious?

I thought it was just because you fancied me.

Well, even academics are human.

Did you learn anything?

Yeah, I learn not to get ideas above my station.

Yes, please, Prof.

Milk, no sugar.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, it's you.

I've just been having a word with the doc.

The good news is you're going to live.

Yeah, don't tell me the bad news.

Oh, come on, your public still loves you. Your fan club's on the way up.

What? Have you got any grinds? Get your car outside.

Hey, hey, hey. I don't want an argument.

Just pass me me kegs, will you?

Matty, come on, relax. You're supposed to get some rest, mate.

Look, man, those two blokes, right? I've got to get out of here, quick.

Right, which way?

I think the comedian just checked out. What?

I don't know what you gave him, Doc, but I hope you paid him cash.

So, now, come on, what's going on?

Note.

Note that a win on the pool's wooden salt.

Matty, what kind of trouble are you in?

7 ,000.

He must be mad to play with them.

They don't know he's here, do they?

No.

What's up, love?

I feel so ashamed of myself.

Why? As soon as I knew it wasn't my seafood, I never gave poor Matty another

thought. It's a terrible thing to say.

Well, perfectly natural.

Yes, I suppose so.

It wasn't your fault, was it?

No.

You must be starving. You barely touched your chicken.

I'm a bit peckish.

I've got some prawns left.

I don't need an expert, Harry.

I just need someone who knows her heart from her diamonds.

I need another pair of eyes.

Well, I'll ask her, Ken, but I'm not entirely happy about it. Oh, come on,

Harry. She'll enjoy it. You lose the money, she watches the dealers.

I don't want her getting a taste for it, Ken.

She's got access to a lot of funds, you know.

Well, she's hardly likely to have to mortgage the jacuzzi after one night in

casino.

Well, I'll ask her, but after last night and all that...

I don't think she's very keen on gambling.

Well, I can't ask your mate Matthew, can I?

No, it's not funny, Kev.

That Rupert and his mate are really hounding him, you know. He's genuinely

frightened.

Rupert?

Rupert who?

I don't know.

It's his little mate that bothers me most.

Ugly little bloke.

Well, check it out.

He'll be all right here today, won't he?

Yeah. Stoned me.

He don't look too good, does he?

Hey, Matty.

You sure you ought to go out to bed?

Give it a rest.

Give it a rest, will you?

Just go on, doesn't he? Hey, I once saw a cop running through the farm yard

wearing a crosshairs just like that.

Did you?

Aye. Been riding a bantam all day.

Matty King, please give me... Ken Boone.

I'm sorry I couldn't catch the gig last night.

So am I, so am I. I was very ill because of that.

Well, I'm fine now. Fine fit.

Where's breakfast?

See, Harry, you won't forget to ask Ellen, will you?

Please?

Ken.

Ken!

Let him go, sweetheart.

He ain't worth it.

Well, no offence, Matty, but I hope you feel better than you look.

Oh, I tell you what, I feel a lot better when I get my gags back.

Yeah, after what happened last night, I left my suitcase at the club.

I don't suppose you could organise somebody to pick them up for me, could

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen... Oh, forget that one, forget that one. Oh, I'm tired.

I'm tired.

I've never had a problem I couldn't run away from.

Look, I think I'm going to need some help, specialist help.

What sort of specialist help?

Just an extra pair of eyes, that's all. You won't even know they're there.

As long as he doesn't cost as much as you do.

Peanut!

Compared with losing your licence.

She'll do it.

Only a matter of days.

Next.

Just doesn't add up, I mean, if it is the same bloke. How come he can fleece

Matty King and get ripped off at the Carrington?

Thanks a lot.

Well, you might find out if you hurry up. That was the hotel.

Rupert Cole's just walked in.

Hey.

Thank you.

Laura says she'll call in at the club tonight and pick up your shoes, Tony.

cheers, Tony. Cheers, Vic.

I just need to refresh me brain cells before tomorrow night's gig, you know?

Oh.

Excuse me, madam.

Do you care to sign for this?

Ken!

I didn't see you.

Hello. I tried round the front. No reply.

I know this is a bit of a liberty, but it is nearly lunchtime.

You're a mind reader.

I was just about to do a spaghetti ring.

Oh, sorry, Ken. This is Samma. Samma, this is Ken.

Hello. Hello.

I didn't know.

Father did a runner four years ago, and that was fine by me.

Nice looking girl.

Who's she?

She takes after her mother.

Yes!

Well done.

Hey, well, hold that.

Nobody's cheating you here today, so come on, fair and square.

No, no, no. I don't want your money, Harry.

Absolutely not. Harry Crawford always pays his debts. No, no, put it away, put

it away, man.

But it was your idea.

Well, it just gives the game a bit of an edge, doesn't it? Oh, all right.

Tell you what, we'll have a nice friendly game of cards to pass into the

Huh? I could do with the practice.

Yeah, Harry Crawford, you're a hustler.

Penny for them?

Mm -hm.

Oh, what's he thinking?

About what?

About how I'd like to spend more time with her.

Well, at least you got all day with her.

No.

I did two or three afternoons a week down the casino, as well as evenings, so

she has to sleep at her gran's.

What can I do?

Ever thought of changing your job?

What do you mean?

Oh, nothing. I just thought, well, you know, daytime job might be better for

you, that's all.

Sorry.

None of my business.

No, I'm sorry.

It all comes down to money, doesn't it?

I get well paid for what I do, so I'll stick to what I'm good at.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Wish I knew what I was good at.

Well, if you don't know, who does?

Do you ever go out?

I mean, on your own?

Are you asking me?

Um... I'd love to.

That sets you right to matches.

No, no, no. Look, I've definitely got some more. I mean, hotels have always

them little boxes of matches in the ashtrays, haven't they? Matty, Matty, it

doesn't matter.

Here, take some of these back. Go on.

Oh, well, you're sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Nobody cheated you, did they?

What do you mean?

Rupert and his mate. They won that seven grand fair and square, didn't they?

What do you mean by that, Leek?

Look, I've been playing cards with you for the last hour, and you're lousy at

it. You're a great comedian, Marty, but a terrible card player.

Why'd you do it?

I wish I knew.

How many times?

Fourteen.

Seventeen.

Seven, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Are you accusing me of cheating? No, sir, I'm not.

But you and your partner were card counting.

Well, it's not against the rules.

It is against my rules.

Oh, you mean you don't like losing?

Thank you.

Please, sir.

We don't want any trouble now, do we?

No more, thank you.

I want to see the manager. Come on, Harry, let's go.

Bloody Ken.

Harry,

leaving so soon? Where were you, Ken? You said you'd be there.

I was on a job. You're not my only client, you know.

I'm not a client, Ken, am I, mate?

All right, all right.

Has something happened?

Well, apart from me being thrown out, no. No, nothing at all, no. Calm down,

Harry, and go and cash that in.

I should never have told them about cart counting.

The funny thing is, Ken, they got the wrong one.

There is someone on the fiddle. Who?

Croupier, one of the blackjack tables, the brunette.

She's your cheat.

I thought it was you.

What have you been playing at?

Jackie?

I was trying to get caught.

I thought your mate was a gaming board inspector.

Harry?

Rupert said I'd only get a fine.

He said the courts would blame the casino.

And the casino would lose its licence and all those punters would have to find

somewhere else to throw their money away.

That's it.

But why the eights and eights?

Why not somewhere else?

Balance of probabilities.

Same class of clientele, cut above the average.

Is it just the money, Jackie?

I mean, a lousy £3 ,000.

You try bringing up a child on your own and near at £3 ,000.

I'm sorry.

And no, it wasn't just the money.

They offered me a job, too.

Well, I'm not surprised. You're very good at it.

Don't pat...

Look,

and I didn't have a choice.

I have a criminal record.

Oh, yeah?

And don't look at me like that.

I stole a pot of foundation. I was 17.

But I had to lie to get my license.

If they find out, I'll lose my job.

Yeah, but you can always... But what?

What could I have done? Gone to the police?

Oh, thank you very much, Miss. Very public -spirited of you now about this

little matter of a false declaration.

It's a hard life.

Yeah.

How would you know?

Harry, why can't a man with his kind of money just pay up?

He's brassical.

As fast as he earns it, he punts it out.

It's like booze. It's an addiction.

And this is his last weekend?

Yeah. Any messages?

No. Very quiet. How's Matty been this evening?

Did he have his dinner down there, or did he have it in his room?

He didn't have any dinner. He just rang down for a bottle of whiskey.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Maybe he's getting a bit of rest.

Come on.

I do believe that's exactly what broke up his partnership with Jimmy Chester.

What, booze? Yeah.

Apparently Jimmy was a bit too fond of it, you know.

I'm sorry if I scared you, mate.

Everything just got on top of us.

Yeah, I know.

No, you don't, no.

I got a phone call earlier from the club.

Somebody's been in my dressing room, nicked my suitcase.

What, the one you keep all you got, Jim? Aye, 30 years of experience in graft.

They won't do a thing like that, eh?

I don't know what to say.

You know when you asked me yesterday about my ex -partner, Jimmy Jester?

Yeah.

Well, he died.

He died six months ago.

I never saw him after we split up, but I did what I could.

After a while, he wrote to me, said he wanted to tell his family how I was

paying for his treatment.

Well, I said no.

Why ever not?

Well, I mean, that's not really the point, is it? I mean, you can't live in

past.

Anyway, last night, I met his daughter, Susan. I mean, she only works at the

club. As a waitress?

Because I think I spoke to her. Yeah, so did I and all. And that Rupert is even

using her to get up me now.

You shouldn't have.

I've got my own this time.

You're better off with that one.

Sorry. No, go ahead.

Not important.

Can I have to ask you this?

What am I going to do?

I have to know.

There is someone to decide.

I haven't decided yet.

I haven't told your boss, if that's what you mean.

That doesn't mean I won't.

I can't protect you for something you've already done, but you could do yourself

a favour.

Yes?

I've got an idea.

Have a good one, Matty.

Look, Matty.

I'm not going to give you any old codswallop about owing it to the public,

you do owe it to yourself, mate.

Make a new start.

Go and earn some money, you know.

Settle down.

Well, actually, I was going to say settle up, but it's not a bad idea, is

What about the bear?

What bear?

Rupert.

Rupert and Tony.

I mean, they're not going to wait for the money, are they?

Never mind about them.

I'll sort them out.

Harry, can I borrow the woodcoat van?

Oh, you're not going to start all that van -borrowing again, are you, Kern?

Hey, Harry. What?

Get me a new bridge, eh? Oh, ah. Someday.

Let's go for it. Oh, Matthew.

Yeah? Good luck.

Oh, thanks, Mrs. Ellison. Helen, thanks, Beth.

Warm hands.

Hmm.

We aim to please.

Is it company policy to help remove the equipment too?

I don't think we're insured for that.

How do you feel?

You don't have to do this.

I know.

Okay, it's information time here on 192.

Just got a call from the Phoenix Club, and it's bad news, I'm afraid. If you

seats or were thinking of going to see Matty King tonight, don't, because the

show has been cancelled.

Matty's not feeling too clever, apparently, so if you're listening,

it's not the mother -in -law who's looking after you. Okay.

I'm fine.

David Bellamy.

Hey, it's Marcie.

Oh, Mr King. Hi, Marcie. Hi, hi. Nice to see you back. What the bloody hell's

going on?

I don't know, Mr King. People seem to think the show's been cancelled. Aye, I

know that, man. It's been on the radio.

So it wasn't you?

Of course it wasn't me.

What's going on? I thought

it might be you.

Don't worry.

It won't get to everyone.

You'll probably get a few punters.

Just like me dad when he tried to go it alone.

Remember what it was like to work an audience that came in handfuls, Matty?

After Jimmy took you on board!

Or had you blotted that out?

I remember.

I remember... My father failed a thousand times after you'd gone!

But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

Welcome back, Matty.

Hope it was worth your while.

Just a minute, old woman. We're not open yet. If you'd just shut up and listen

to somebody else for a change. Let go of it!

I'm a friend of Matty's.

Oh, then you're in for a nasty shock some day.

I think you're the one that's in for a shock.

Do you know what Matty did for your father?

Of course I bloody know.

I was there when he died.

Where was Matty King?

Oh, you may think you're very clever sodding about making things awkward, but

you owe that man.

Who do you think it was that paid for your dad's treatment?

I don't believe it.

It's true.

It's true, Susan.

Matty may have left your father, but he did what he could for him in the end.

What do you want?

Well, it's much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Meaning?

Well, how can I be sure that all I'll get is a fine?

Is this the enterprise culture at work?

Don't take me for a complete div, Jackie.

You want more money.

Well... Steady, Jackie.

3 ,000.

You slag.

You won't call me a slag.

I hate him.

Did you get what you want?

Yeah, come on, we'll check the tape.

Ken! Finish with you, you ain't off, mate.

Who are you? It's all down here.

Get it! Quick!

You go back in there. Tell your boss. You are all over.

You ever come through here again, you keep your eye out.

See you.

There then, Kev.

All's well that ends well, eh?

Do you want a drink?

Where's Matt, then?

He's talking to Susan.

He's got quite a few things to sort out.

I had a good joke tonight.

Do you want to hear it?

Go on.

How many private detectives does it take to change a light bulb?

Go on.

Ten. One to change the light bulb and the other nine to kick the door down.

Oh.

Well, it wasn't that bad, was it? No.

I think you could improve it a bit, Ken.

I know quite a bit about comedy.

That tagline, the battery in hibernation could see that coming a mile away.

What about if you had the other nine hiding in the wardrobe?

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