Original subtitles

Hello.

Maybe it was amblesized.

No, I'm sure it was trout, Meg.

Oh, Ken!

They had home -brewed beer, real old -fashioned cheese, free -range bread,

that sort of thing.

Did they have a dressing table with a fixed mirror?

I don't think so.

Not in the pub, anyway.

I hope I can find it.

I spent the day climbing Stoney Cove Pike.

It's a real treat coming across that boozer in the evening.

I'm not climbing up any mountains.

I thought it was all lakes and daffodils and poets up there. Well, yeah, I

wandered lonely as a daffodil. Only it was a 650 Norton in those days.

Hey, you had a terrific time. You're going to love it.

Oh, Ken, it all sounds a bit hearty to me.

I mean, why can't we go to Paris for our dirty weekend like everybody else?

Hey, come on, it's the lakes for us.

This time tomorrow we will be emoting tranquillity in the middle of...

Owlswater.

Now, don't get me wrong, Ethel. I'm in no way criticising your cooking.

It's just that some of our competitors are offering a wider variety, a more

varied menu.

Have there been any complaints? No, no, no. Quite the opposite.

I mean, but these days, with all this foreign travel and so on, I mean, there

are those who prefer a little continental flavour occasionally.

I mean, look at the Royal, for instance.

They're offering paella and crepe au champignon on the same day. Well, I'm a

cook, Harry, not a chef.

I know what all this is about.

It's simply about a more interesting menu. I mean, moussaka instead of

shepherd's pie once in a while.

It's that new West Midlands hotel guide.

You want a rating and you don't think my food's good enough. Honestly, Ethel,

it's not that. It's not that honest.

If you want a lift to pick up that broken -down bike of yours, Mr

look lively, or I'll be late for me chiropodist.

Chiropodist? What's wrong with you?

Nothing. It's a new client with a five -year pile -up of accounting cable.

Come on, love.

Hey, I really fancy you in that suit.

I'm not helping you with these, you know.

I'm late enough as it is already.

I'll meet you in the bar about 6 .30ish.

And I'm not bringing me hiking boots.

Oh, I don't know. They go rather well with your black negligee.

Keep your muggy hands off you.

Compost on the bum does not impress me, Clive.

They're using me as a delivery service.

You should buy one of those.

See ya.

Morning, Ethel.

Morning.

I'll buy you some fresh weeds, though. Oh, Matthew, don't coo.

The way things are going round here, you could well end up with those for lunch.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, Ken, I'm impressed.

I must say, I never took this plant business seriously. I thought you'd have

trouble growing weed. Hey, eat your arse out, Percy Thrower. I'm doing very

well. Listen, can I borrow your talk wrench?

Oh, that bike.

Yeah, sure, go on, help yourself.

Ethel, is there any chance for a cup of coffee?

Cappuccino, don't you mean?

The artistic touch, that's what this plant needs, Annette.

I mean, look at these plants.

They're beauties.

Good morning.

Fuchsias. They're pretty.

Yes.

Bung them upstairs, will you, Annette?

Now, then.

Can I help you, madam?

Well, your colleague was just checking me in.

Pemberton. Miss G. Pemberton. I've filled in a form.

Oh, yes, so you have.

Nice little place you've got here.

I do dislike modern hotels.

Yes, well, thank you very much.

So that's a tingle with bath for six nights.

Hmm, that's right.

Excellent. Are you here on business or pleasure, madam?

Oh, hopefully both.

Your key and, uh... Oh.

Some mail for you.

Oh, gosh.

Ah, and Eve.

Can you take Miss Pemberton's cases up to her room, please? Of course.

I wonder if it would be possible for me to have a word. I assume you are the

manager. Yes, that's right. Well, owner, actually.

Harry Crawford.

Well, when you have a minute, Mr Crawford.

Look, why don't you wait in my office?

I'll give you two minutes.

Lovely.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, Dobson.

Dobson? Yes, I'll come to stay.

Oh, I see. Do you have a reservation?

Yes. Dobson.

I'm afraid I can't find anything for Dobson down here, sir. It was today, was

it? That's right.

Oh, Dudley.

Mr. Dudley.

I'm sorry.

Are you Mr. Dobson or Mr. Dudley? No, you see, you've misunderstood.

George Dobson is my associate.

He made the booking, therefore I assumed it would be in his name.

In actual fact, my name is Dudley.

D -U -D -L -E -Y.

Oh, honey, could you deal with Mr Dudley?

If you'll excuse me, sir.

Right there, Mr Dudley, yeah?

Tonight and tomorrow night, you can see. Do you have a jukebox here?

No. I'd still prefer not to have a room above the bar.

No, you're well away from there. You're on the top floor.

There's no lift, I notice.

But in the antiques business, like anything else, one simply can't afford

stand still.

Oh, you're right.

The competition for good pieces in London is getting ridiculous.

So I've decided to see what the provinces have to offer.

I've made a few contacts,

paid a few ads.

But I have to admit, I've arrived here a trifle underprepared.

So, how can I help you?

Well, I have a van with me, but if I do really well, I'm going to need storage

space. I was wondering if... If you could store your whatnots here.

You're way ahead of me, Mr Crawford. Well, I'm sorry, Miss Pemberton, but I

haven't got the room.

But look, what you need is a lock -up garage in Warehouse.

Now, there I might be able to help you.

Oh, really?

Well, I've got a few contacts and I know the town pretty well.

Super. I am grateful.

Then perhaps you might be able to help me with my other little problem.

Oh, try me.

I'm looking for someone who knows the area.

To help with the loading and unloading, driving the van and so on.

I do need someone reliable and trustworthy.

And I'm prepared to pay well for a week's work.

Leave that with me as well.

Cheers, Harry. No way.

It's only for a week. Come on, I'm not the hotel odd job man, am I? You'd be

doing yourself a favour, Ken.

And the money is very good. Well, you take a week off. You do it.

No, don't be ridiculous.

Now, look.

I know you're strapped for cash.

And you're always talking about getting another greenhouse.

No, Harry.

I'm sorry.

Hang on a bit.

Now then, sir.

So this is the bar, is it?

Yes. Is your wine by the glass French?

Yes, sir. We offer the Beaujolais.

Or if you'd like a white wine, there's the Muscadet. I see.

So which would you prefer?

Oh, neither.

I never drink during the day.

So what do you want to?

Change.

Could you break it into ten pieces?

Fifty and five tens would be all right.

If that's all you've got, it'll have to be, won't it?

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, I think you're being a mook, Ken.

I mean, it's his fast money.

It's cash in the hand.

How? Come on, Harry, it's not my game, is it? Pottering around with some old

dear, trying to pick up Ming Varses.

The old dear's just walked in.

Hello, Miss Pemberton.

Have a seat.

Miss Pemberton, this is the chap I was telling you about, Ken Boone.

Delighted to meet you.

Hello.

Can I get you a drink? What would you like?

Oh, just a tonic water, please, Harry.

Coming right up.

Oh. You're going to drive us around.

What a blessed relief.

Do you know, this city's impossible.

I almost gave up when I hit the bullring.

There will be some lifting and carrying.

It's mostly light, delicate objects.

So I need someone who'll handle things with care.

I haven't exactly accepted it yet, have I?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't before the horse.

We haven't discussed perm things, have we?

No, but... Well, I can offer you £40 a day for a guaranteed seven days.

Cash in hand, of course.

Well, it's a very good offer.

But I can't start for about three days. We've got something fixed up.

Oh, that is a shame.

Because I need someone who can start right away, really.

Here you go.

Cheers, Harry.

Unfortunately, Ken can't start till Monday.

Why? What's the problem?

Old George could look after your place. No, it's not that.

I plan to go away for the weekend.

Excuse me. That storage space you said you wanted. I think I found just the

thing.

Hello, your old friend, Jamal Khan.

I thought he'd gone bust.

Yeah, that's why the warehouse is empty.

He said he'd be round there in half an hour.

Thanks, Hanif.

There you are, your storage space.

Marvellous.

But where is it?

How do I get there?

Well, you're not busy just this minute, are you, Ken?

What do you think?

Well, there's a bit of a mess in there.

But it's dry and secure and there's plenty of space.

I think it'll do.

Watch him on the money. He's a bit fly, apparently.

You couldn't do better.

Not at such short notice.

You won't be using it for anything else, will you?

Some of my pieces will be quite fragile.

No, no, no.

It's all yours.

I'm out of this business now.

But I'm stuck with the lease.

Okay. What are you thinking of charging?

My lease works out approximately 125 a week.

I'll do you a favor.

You can have it for 100.

Oh, come on. That's a bit steep for out here, isn't it, Jamal?

I'll tell you what.

Pay me cash, and you can have it for 90.

For cash, 80.

Okay.

You're robbing me.

80 it is.

80 pounds, Mr. Khan.

And here are the keys.

I'm sure you'll understand if I use my own padlock.

Naturally.

Thank you very much, Mr. Curran.

Don't worry.

No one will know.

One week's all right.

Hey, you handle that.

Very well.

That's all right.

It really would be invaluable for me to have someone like you, who's experienced

and knows the area.

I'm afraid I feel a bit of a fish out of water up here.

It's a great shame you're tied up this weekend.

Come in.

Sorry to interrupt, Harry, but I just popped in to say I can't do your books

tomorrow. I'm away for the weekend.

Oh, ah, somewhere nice.

Well, just Acapulco again.

Yeah, good.

Actually, Doreen, we ought to get this sorted out.

What? Well, that insurance broke has been on to me again.

Seems to want a lot of information, and I don't understand half of it.

I don't know, the better the business goes, the more headaches you seem to

Well, it's quite simple, Harry. He just wants to have the details of your new

fire insurance requirements, that's all.

Go on, drop him a quick line.

Well, you know your type better than I do, anyway.

Oh.

You can get the insurance file out for me.

Listen, give us five minutes, OK?

Fine. I've got a call to make anyway.

I need... Give this to Mr Arironi. See if it meets with his approval.

C 'est pas la union.

I'm not having him blame me if he doesn't get his rating. Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

I think I need to find... I want to get hold of Doreen. You'd be quicker

walking. She's in the office.

The gear we picked up in Manchester, the desk and the Chippendale go in the

Battersea shop.

Stick all the bricks up on the Berman's door.

Yes, it's looking good up here.

Harry's lumbered me with this, but I've got one more appointment this afternoon,

so we can still get away by six.

Did he mention the job?

I don't think so. What job?

Well, some people staying are in the antique business. You know, they need a

hand. So?

Well, he's put it my way.

The money's very tempting.

Oh, so you've taken the job? Well, that's great.

Well, no, I said I'd have a word with you first.

It's going to screw up our weekend.

I've got to start straight away.

Oh, I see.

Well, come on, I mean, you weren't that keen on going to the lakes anyway, were

you? It was my idea.

Probably not your sort of thing.

I'm going to make 300 quid. It means another greenhouse.

We can always go another weekend, can't we?

Well, that's not the point, Ken.

I mean, we've planned this one.

I've spent all week rearranging everything, and you want to call it off

hours notice? All right, all right, I haven't accepted you. I said I'd talk to

you first.

Oh, Ken, it's up to you. It's your decision.

No. We'll go to the lakes.

No.

You obviously want to do this job. I mean, I'm not going to drag you away.

Oh, there'll be other weekends.

Anyway, I've got to get Harry to sign this.

Honey, can you make sure that Harry signs this for me and gets it off in the

post? Sure.

Doreen, just a minute, love.

I'm sorry, it just seemed too good to miss.

Look, it's all right, Ken.

For goodness sake, take the job, but don't go on about it. I really will get

angry. You managed to sort it all out, Ken?

Oh, Dorian, this is Georgina, the antiques lady I was telling you about.

Delighted to meet you.

Oh, yes.

Hello.

Ken, put that... Right at the back, by the bedstead. Okay.

You're only making work for yourself, laddie, carrying it like that.

The secret's in the knees.

Keep your back straight.

Bend your knees, man.

Right. I'll bear that in mind.

My mother was expecting a little bit more than this, actually.

Your advert said top price is paid.

I'm afraid that is top price for her things, Mrs Hutchins.

I can only pay what the market dictates. And her furniture's not, strictly

speaking, antique.

However, if you want to... No, I suppose not.

It's your business. I expect you know.

I doubt if she could have done better, quite honestly.

Ah, Ken.

I suggest you bring the ottoman next.

Ottoman, eh?

Sounds like a right knee -bender.

An easy error to make, I grant you, but an error nevertheless.

On the list, it does say a pot of tea and a time, sir. No, I specifically ask

for the financial times, not the times.

Then that's our fault, Mr Dudley.

I'm afraid I don't have the financial times. I'm sorry. I'll make sure you

it tomorrow.

Fine.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Breakfast's through there. Thank you.

He's an odd one, don't you think?

He's a guest, Hanif, and that's good enough for me. He's our bread and

Or indeed our coffee and queso, judging by the new breakfast menu, eh, Harry?

No, don't you start.

I've got enough problems with Ethel.

You've been at your VAT account again, haven't you, Harry?

The van needed a service.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't pay our VAT. This money belongs to the customs and

excise. Well, I just juggled about a bit.

I mean, people spend money they owe me, you know.

Yeah, well, it'd be much easier if you kept your account separate.

Oh, sorry, love.

Sorry.

Hey, Doreen.

If I've left anything up for you, I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I thought I was doing him a favour.

Oh, it's all right.

He never mentioned you was going away.

No, he wouldn't. He's discreet.

Yeah, well, anyway, I'll make a lot more money working for her than flogging a

few plants.

What's she like?

Oh, Georgina.

Oh.

Smart woman.

Own business.

Well, she's obviously a little bit green as far as the area's concerned.

Actually, I'd say she was a touch naive all round, but very nice.

Naive?

Well, she seems to have got what she wants out of you lot.

Come again?

Well, you're all falling over yourselves backwards, aren't you, to help her?

I'm not in this business to hinder guests, Doreen.

If I didn't know you better, I'd play you fancy, Dara.

Don't be silly.

She's not my type at all.

Aye, where the entire Luftwaffe failed to achieve.

Those property developers have managed a stroke of a pen.

The whole street's coming down.

Well, you'll get rehoused, won't you?

The families will.

But for a widower of my age, the choice they've given is a brutal one.

It's either I move in with one of my children or I'll have the old folks

Well, what are you going to do?

I'll be all right.

I've got son and two daughters.

And invitations to live with them all.

I brought them up strict, but I brought them up right.

I'm always welcome in the booth of my family.

I'm away this afternoon to my eldest daughter's.

50 years I've lived in this street, and now I'm to go.

It'll take more than a bit of uprooting to upset me.

Are you the head man in this outfit?

No.

I'm a sort of hired donkey, you know, fetching and carrying.

I have one or two items of my own I have to go.

A couple of farms said they would call round last week, but they never did.

Now they say next week.

Well, that's no use to me.

Well, you'll have to see the boss.

Mind you, she only deals in antiques, you know, valuable pieces.

Oh, I see.

You've tied that knot all wrong.

It's obvious you've never seen service in the Navy, or anywhere else for that

matter.

Well, it's my first day on the job. Just as well I got you around, innit? Put me

right.

Okay.

All done.

Yeah.

Is everything secure?

There's some rather nice pieces in there.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

Maris Johnson.

Hello. That young lad was saying that you might like to take a look at my

possessions.

They're all to go. I haven't been let down.

We're full up, I'm afraid.

But I'm only just down the street.

All right. I'll take a quick look. But I can't promise anything.

Follow me.

This is it.

Well, Tina, each of the breakfast mess.

I've had a busy morning.

Of course.

Don't worry.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

What a fearsome conglomeration.

I would have preferred a more spartan room myself.

But Moira, my wife, fair love to clutter of things.

Her knickknacks, as she called them.

Waste of money, most of them, of course.

But when she went, well, I couldn't find it in myself to clear them

out.

Now I have no choice.

No choice?

Aye. We've been given our marching orders.

My suitcases are packed. I'm away this afternoon.

So all this has to go today?

Well, there's a farm supposed to be coming next week, but I'd like it gone

before I leave.

Well, as you know, my van's full up.

Aye. Well, it was just a thought.

If I can unload and get back. Why did you get these?

Oh, I've no idea.

Something Moira picked up years ago.

Hmm.

Well, uh...

I think I'm going to need an extra hand to move this.

So, you could be interested, then?

You're right.

It is rather a conglomeration.

Still, let's see what I can do.

10, 20, 30, 40.

Well, you'd better give me an extra tenner or so.

Why? Well, I need to restock Spice Rack and what have you. Oh, of course.

Shall I lash out in some Madras curry powder as well?

Or are we confining ourselves to the European continent?

I leave that to you, Ethel.

Why is it that whenever the words change or progress are mentioned, people have

to be carried kicking and screaming towards them?

Vosprung durch Technik, as the Germans say, Harry.

What? Progress through technology.

Perhaps you should change your infrared computer. We can't stay in the meeting

too very aged forever.

We'd become extinct.

Yes, come in.

Oh, hello.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted a quick word with Harry, Mr Crawford.

Yes, go ahead.

Harry, I'm in a jam.

I've come to ask you for a teeny favour.

Well, it's a big favour, actually.

Yeah, shoot.

I need a strong man to give me an hour of his time.

Don't we all?

Yes, well, how can I help you? No, I need an extra hand with a piece of

furniture. It'll only take half an hour.

What, me?

Well, I'm pretty tied up, unfortunately.

Oh, dear.

Won't take long.

What half an hour, you say?

Where is it?

You're a treasure, I'll tell you.

Ken's unloading the van and meet us at the house.

How are we going to get there?

Well, I thought perhaps your car.

Is that all right?

I'll pay for the petrol.

Yeah, I suppose so.

But I really can't be too long.

Give me two minutes.

It's Hanif's afternoon off.

So would you mind leaving that and keeping an eye on reception and things

I'm out?

Of course.

I'll do that weenie thing for you, Parrot.

Thanks.

Stop slouching!

Get your jacket off.

You're working with the crack troops now.

All right.

And what regiment were you in?

Yes, well, it's just a figure of speech, isn't it? Shall we get started?

It's later.

Three nights from the 27th, Mr Norville. Yes, that will be fine.

Thank you.

Bye.

Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?

I'm booked in, I believe.

Philip Banks.

Oh, yes, that's right, sir.

Um, five nights from today.

If you'd like to fill that in for me, please.

Is the bar still open?

No, I'm afraid we're out of life and hours now, sir.

Oh. In that case, we'll have a large vodka, ice, no lemon, sent up to my

Yes, sir.

Is my associate, Miss Pemberton, around?

No, she's, um, out at present.

Not to worry.

May I help you, sir?

Please, carry on.

My best handwriting.

Thanks.

I'll find it myself.

Try not to be too long with that drink.

OK.

Of course.

Now, then. Is Honeyford out?

No, he's out at present. Can I give him a message?

No, no message.

Are you sure I can't help in some way?

Very kind, miss, but no.

I'll call back later.

Well, what's happened to the crack troops, eh?

Oh, leave it out. I'm knackered.

I think me back's gone.

You should live from the knees. That's the secret.

Oh, dear, Harry.

Are you all right?

Yeah, just about.

They do me a favour.

Next time you want a strong man.

Forget me and find one.

Sod it.

What's up?

I've left me jacket at Murdoch's. I'll have to go and get it. I hope he's still

there. Oh, tough.

I'm already three hours late.

You come in, Georgina. Do you want a lift?

Well, you'd better go with the walking wounded.

I'll see you later.

Hey, come in. I'm ready for you.

Oh, it's you.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I left my jacket here.

Oh, in the room.

You swept up.

We should have done that.

No, lad.

I clean up more than this.

Strange, now it's all gone.

Yeah.

All gone.

You all right?

What time's your daughter picking you up?

She is fetching you, isn't she?

I left her as I found it.

30 years ago, Ira and I walked in that door.

It was clean and empty then.

It's clean and empty now.

My duty is all done.

It's strange, all swept up, you know, when it's going to be pulled down

That's not the point!

Martin Johnson never left anywhere but in a condition he hoped to find it.

Training, breeding, what you will.

All done now.

Where's your tool to live?

You bring them bawling, screeching into the world.

You nudge them, chide them, chew them away.

You do what you can, you can't do more.

You alright, mate?

Do you want a lift anywhere? I've got a van outside.

They're on their way.

The smiling ones.

Come along now, Mr. Johnson. There's a good chap.

Well, I've tossed a lot of them.

As if I was a wee bear.

As if I didn't understand to walk on my own two feet.

Old folks' homes.

They'll cover me in blankets and plant me out in the garden to watch the grass

grow, spoon -feeding me with that milk of human kind.

Well, I'll knock her down that path, I'll tell you, laddie.

So you're going to be in a home?

Aye.

I never asked for charity in my life.

I won't go capping hands with my own flesh and blood.

What about your daughters?

Well, what would you have me say?

They don't want me.

They're throwing their eyes.

I won't go.

Oh, you don't want the old man with us?

So be it. I'll not be a burden to any of them. The home it's to be.

Yeah, I see.

They ought to be ashamed of themselves.

And I'll not sit here and listen to you miscalling them either.

They're still my family, right or wrong. Yeah, all right. I'm sorry.

Anyway, you can have a bonus to your pension.

Georgina said your stuff was good quality.

We had to take great care of it.

Did she?

That's more than she told me.

No call for it, she said.

We're doing you a favour, taking her away.

It's worth a lot of money. I mean, I can see that.

How much did she give you?

Oh, it doesn't matter.

It upset me.

Haggling over Moira's things.

In the end, I took what she offered.

60 quid.

What? 60 quid?

I'll leave it at that.

They were no more use to me.

I had hope for a bit more, but there you go.

I mean, she took everything.

It's worth far more than that.

I'll survive, Larry. I'll survive.

Let's hope the work is here.

Time to go.

Remember now, if you're a great weight to carry, bend your knees.

Too brittle luck to wear vases, are you sure?

They're genuine, all right.

And the dresser as well.

Could be taking a few grounds' worth, yeah?

How much do you pay for them?

60 quid, the lot.

I didn't have a clue.

Oh, good evening, sir.

What can I get for you?

Do you keep a bourbon whisky?

Oh, no, not much call for it.

But I do have some very fine scotches, including a 12 -year -old malt, if

a whisky man.

No, it doesn't matter.

I'll try a bit of lemon, if I may.

Harry, is that Georgina about?

Yeah, she's right there in the dining room.

The menu's a bit pretentious for a place like this, isn't it?

Oh, uh, Ken.

Philip Banks, my associate.

He'll be with us for the rest of the week.

Time. Georgie says you're the best kipper and loader she's ever had. Oh,

Here's your plan, Keith.

Super.

Can I get you a drink? No, thanks.

Had a busy day, I hear. Yeah, you could say that.

Bill, be a sweetie and do the honors. I'm sure Ken could do with a drink,

really. No, leave me out.

Suit yourself, old man.

Anything wrong, Ken?

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

It's none of my business, but how much money did you pay that old jock for his

furniture? Well, you're right.

It is none of your business.

But he got a good deal.

Why is he saying different?

You took everything he had. A lousy 60 quid.

Is that what he told you?

Well, what did you pay him?

Oh, Ken.

No, he's not quite all there upstairs.

I mean, people of that age... Now, what do you mean, people of that age? You've

got no chance against sharks like you.

That's a very offensive remark. It's a very offensive racket.

Look, what is this?

Some stupid old man gives you a ludicrous sob story.

No, it's not that.

I talked to that woman down the road. She paid her a pittance and all.

I mean, you told me those things were of great value.

OK.

I'm in business.

I buy cheaper than I sell. What's wrong with that? I'll tell you what's wrong

with that. It's robbery. It stinks.

Oh, look.

Get this straight.

I've done nothing illegal.

They've signed the bill of sale.

Anything wrong, Jordan?

No. It's all right. No, it's not all right.

You are a two -faced, smarmy con artist, and you can stick your poxy job. Take

it easy. Don't! You pay that geezer what you owe him.

Totally sorry about that, Harry.

Aren't you a little old to be starting fighting? Leave it, will you? Leave it!

You bastard.

What the hell is all this about, Ken? Oh, Harry, let me out of here.

Look, I don't want any trouble.

Yeah, I know.

I know, it's bad for business.

I'm sorry about that, everybody.

We're retired by now, so if you'd just resume your seats.

Thank you.

Anise, help me clear this mess up.

Excuse me.

My drink went all down my suit. Well, I'm very sorry about that, sir.

Let me get you another.

No, it's the suit I'm concerned about. It may stain.

Then I suggest you go and sponge it off in the bathroom, sir. I'll do it for

you, sir. No, you won't. You'll clear this up.

I see.

I suppose I'd better go and do it myself, then.

Let me go and help him. I found out who he is. I don't care if he's Prince

Flaming Charles.

What's this?

I found it earlier.

He must have dropped it.

He's an hotel inspector.

out of ten for effort, naught out of ten for brains.

When am I ever going to learn?

Now then,

was it there? Oh, then it wasn't traffic.

I'm sorry, love.

Either way, you know, it's only 150 miles up the road.

We could still be there by lunchtime. What do you think, eh?

Harry ought to get rid of them.

Are we going to go to the lakes or not?

There must be something I can do.

Oh, forget about it, Ken. We've been right through it. There's nothing.

She hasn't broken any laws. She just used you. It's as simple as that. It's

just me. It's that old boy. He really needs the money.

Yeah, well, it all belongs to her now.

I mean, short of stealing the stuff back off her, there's nothing we can do,

love. A bloody hell.

Okay. Three hours up the road.

The clean air.

Good food, nice pub.

Shall we go?

Yeah, all right.

I'll have to pick some gear up at my place on the way.

This doesn't include service, may I hope? No, we don't put it on the bills,

It's optional.

We'll leave it up to you.

No objections to a credit card, I trust?

No, we accept all the major ones.

Everything settled, Phil? Mm -hm. Jolly good.

Morning, Harry.

Morning. I'm sorry we're checking out early, but under the circumstances...

He being a friend of yours and so on, we've decided to spend the rest of the

week up here elsewhere.

I understand.

Of course, he got it all wrong.

He simply doesn't seem to understand how business works.

Well, not my business.

Well, I don't know anything about your business either.

But I do know Ken Boone.

And I know he doesn't lose his temper for nothing.

Treat yourself.

Ready, Phil?

Certainly am.

Thanks for everything.

Ah, good morning, sir.

I see the fuchsia's drooping.

Sorry? On the landing.

Needs watering, I'd say.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Paper right this morning, Mr Dudley. Yeah, thank you.

Well, a bit constitutional before breakfast, I think.

Are you sure it isn't a hotel, Inspector?

Afraid so, Harry.

Then you'd better go and water that fuchsia upstairs, hadn't you?

Oops. Sorry, didn't see you there. My fault, my fault. How's it going, Jamal?

Fine, fine.

Well, not so good, really.

I need to talk to the lady who's staying here, Miss Pemberton.

Why?

What's up?

What's all this?

I thought we were going to look at the lakes, not jump in them. You wait and

see. If it rains up there, you're going to need a lot more than your little fold

-up trolley.

Thank goodness I find you.

Jamal, what is it?

What can I say?

It wasn't my fault. I was talked into it.

Yeah? Normally it's something I would never have done in business. Ask anyone.

have a good name.

I don't know what you're on about.

Please. I can see you're a fighting man.

But I do not like violence. And remember, I come to you. You didn't have

me. Look, I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

When you were at the hotel yesterday looking for Hanif.

That's right. Hanif. I tried to find him.

I tried to warn you. Warn me? Warn me about what?

The end of the month, they said.

And now they're doing it today.

Look, we're in a hurry.

For goodness sake, who are doing what today?

I rent the warehouse to your friend, the lady.

It wasn't mine to let.

My lease had run out, but I knew it was empty and I still had some keys, so I

took a chance to make a few pounds.

So somebody else has moved in? No, no, worse than that.

The bulldozers are moving in there.

I knew it was coming down, but I thought it was at the end of the month, not

today.

Well, you've come for the wrong man.

You need to contact Miss Pemberton at the Grand.

No, no, she's left. I've just been there.

You're the only person I could think of.

Look, as far as I'm concerned, they can flatten the whole place and everything

in it. It serves her bloody well right. It's nothing to do with me.

We're off for the weekend.

But what shall I do?

Just let them flatten it.

No, Ken.

Unpack your wellies.

I mean, we can't let that happen.

Hey.

Thank you.

If you'd prefer a light breakfast, might I recommend the continental menu?

It's chilled orange juice, toast and preserves, freshly ground coffee, a

baked truffle.

No, thanks.

I think I'll stick to the English. I like a proper full breakfast to set me

for the day.

Yes, sir.

Tea or coffee?

Tea, of course.

So what does our friendly hotel inspector want, then? The Continental?

No, the full English, like everybody else.

Ah, well, c 'est la vie, Harry.

This should take care of your Queen's porn, Gambit.

Mr Johnson?

Yes? What is it now?

I'm not taking any pills.

I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Ken Boone sent me round to collect you.

Oh.

Is he now?

Just a 20 minute.

I've got some stuff inside.

No, hold up.

Don't knock. Don't speak.

Don't talk.

Stop.

Thank

you,

sir.

Oh, Mr Dudley. Just off.

Hope you enjoyed your stay, sir.

Yes, thank you. Have you signed the business book?

No. How do you feel you're doing?

You don't see them much these days in modern hotels, visitors' books.

It's a little tradition I like to keep up, sir.

Fair enough.

Oh.

Goodbye, then.

Goodbye, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, come on, has he put anything in the remark column?

Straight, sir.

He's put it's a shabby third -rate dump, one to be missed.

You're joking.

Hey, come here. Let's have a look.

Actually, he's put a most enjoyable stay. A home from home. Oh, smashy.

It can't be right.

It did.

God almighty.

What's happened?

What the hell have you done?

Nothing to do with me, love.

You're crazy.

You've flattened the whole bloody place. I'll have you put away for this.

No, we did it.

It's quite legal. Cancel demolition order.

I'm renting it.

I've paid good money.

Yeah, but the guise that you rented it off is pulling a fast one.

It wasn't his to let. You've been using that illegally.

What have you done with the furniture?

What furniture?

It was locked.

We'd been told it was empty, so we just knocked the thing down.

If there was anything inside, it's nothing but dust and ashes now.

You bloody great clown.

Hey, steady on, mate.

I'm just doing me job.

Show me that council order.

Sleep for yourself.

Official stamp and everything.

I suppose you're really enjoying this.

The vases alone were worth hundreds of pounds, you stupid, small -minded

philistine. What you getting all worked up about, eh?

You paid sod all for it.

I'm going to give you a really good hiding this time, chummy.

Don't you chummy me.

Unless you want a couple of weeks in hospital.

Just sling your hook.

Come on, try it again.

While I'm looking at you.

What's the point?

Come on.

You bastard.

Toodle -pip.

Nice to have met you.

How did that do for you, man?

You've done terrific.

You brought the house down.

Nice one.

That's everything.

These are the last.

Aye, those are mine as well.

Oh, that's lovely.

Remember, Moira, I was fair pleased when she got those.

Okay, well, we'll get them all in the auction next week.

And these people are straight, so you should get a fair price.

She was livid.

Your stuff's worth hundreds of pounds.

A room for a tasty bonus, Murdoch.

That'll be handy.

I could do with a bit of spending money.

As old jets and fogies are off on an outing next weekend.

Coach trip.

That's nice. Where to?

I think it's at the Lake District or some god -awful place.

Well, what do you reckon?

Shall we book a couple of seats?

All down.

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