Original subtitles

Hello, darling.

What's the matter with your mother?

Hello, Sally.

Hello,

Sally.

What's going on then, Cedric?

What have I done?

You're a good boy, you tell me, won't you?

Keeping your bloody beak shut, too, eh?

What's this up?

What's this up, huh?

Fish fingers.

I didn't know there were any fish with any fingers left.

Sydney Abbott.

Oh, you've broken your vows of silence, have you?

Do you know what day it is?

Well, if it's fish fingers, it's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

It happens to be a very special day.

Ah, we're having them poached.

You see, he has forgotten.

Not your birthday, is it?

No, it is not.

Our anniversary?

No. The day we got engaged anniversary?

No. It's not my birthday, is it? No.

I'll give it.

It happens to be the anniversary of the day you first proposed.

Oh, God.

The day my husband first proposed is very... important to me.

But you said no.

That's beside the point.

It's the thought that counts.

A woman likes special occasions to be remembered.

She likes getting a present or being taken out to dinner.

When did you last take me out to dinner?

Daddy, Mummy wants to know when was the last time you took her out to dinner.

Well?

I'm sorry, Mrs Abbott, there's no reply.

If you care to leave your name and address, I'll get Mr Abbott to contact

regarding your problem.

Well, I think Mummy's right.

So do I.

It's a sad case, but common enough these days.

Incompatibility. Always starts in small ways, you know.

Irritation. And then exasperation.

Aggravation. And then separation.

And finally, assassination.

That's very good, Dad. Very good.

It's very... important to a woman for a husband to keep the romance in their

marriage alive?

Well, I do.

How?

Well, I... Well, I... Well, last week, I...

What do you expect me to do?

Trot about the house with a rose stuck between my choppers playing the fiddle?

Of course not.

Well, then.

You can't play the fiddle.

Anyway, roses are out of season.

You could do it with a daffodil.

How much chance have we got, now I ask you, how much chance have we got to, to,

to whatever, with these two stuck under our feet all the time?

I wasn't talking about whatever.

I know what you're talking about.

We used to get these two off to bed and then have the rest of the evening to

ourselves just a few years ago. Now they're still here.

and I see us off to bed.

You're just making excuses.

I'm not making excuses.

Well, I mean, you expect to have children around when they're children,

must be the only bloody house for 530 miles with adult toddlers.

It's all right, Dad. If Mum wants you to get smoochy, we don't mind.

No, it's all right, Daddy. We shan't be embarrassed. There you are.

What about your dinner?

very partial to fingers.

Now he's upset.

He's gone to the hare and hound.

Not necessarily.

Where, Al?

Well, perhaps he's gone for lessons on the fiddle.

You see, women need a lot of attention, see.

Yeah, I mean, just a couple of minutes telling them bare -faced lies about how

smashing they look.

50p on a bunch of old flowers. Works wonders.

I should have thought that all these years of me flogging myself to death,

paying the bills and the rent and the mortgage would have served it all.

Yeah, well, you thought wrong, didn't you? I mean, they needed a touch of the

arts and flowers and all.

Go on.

I mean, it's like I always say to better.

Women are a peculiar mixture.

Yeah, and the best of them are beauty and brains.

Should have crossed between Raquel Welsh's body and Margaret Thatcher's

If it's a pity, your pity's got them the wrong way round.

Well, you can't win them all, can you, Sid?

It's give and take, isn't it? I mean, in marriage, it takes two to tango.

I can't do the tango.

It's the same thing, isn't it? No, no, no, I used to specialise in the velita.

But you can't find a bloody band that knows it now.

Hang on, listen, Sid.

All these anniversaries are yours.

Have you ever taken her any flowers?

No. It's her that remembers, not me.

Well, I would if I was you. All right, then. You take her some flowers.

I see. Well?

Why don't you take her to dinner?

To the Belvedere. I mean, it's a nice, intimate atmosphere.

Very quiet, peaceful.

Should appeal to her. If it's quiet and peaceful, it'll appeal to me.

Go on. Look, you ring them up now, all right? Book a table. Then nip home

collector. Make it a surprise. Hang on, hang on. Just a minute.

I mean, you're dishing out all this advice.

Why don't you do the same for your Betty?

Well, there's no point in you flogging her dead horse.

We're in a rut.

After all these years, the fun and excitement's gone out of the marriage.

You're lucky.

Went out of ours after a fortnight.

I thought you and Trevor had a very happy marriage.

Oh, the actual marriage is all right.

Living together since has caused the trouble.

Do you know...

He even forgot today was the anniversary of the first time he proposed.

Look, why don't you do something about it?

Get rid of the kids, cook him a nice dinner, have a nice evening at home

together, just the two of you.

Oh, we could.

Candlelight, a nice bottle of wine. No, kid, don't overdo it. He might...

Oh, do you think he might?

Huh? It's all fixed.

Corner table, eight o 'clock, candlelight, the lot.

Well done, Sid. It should get her going.

You're a proper little marriage guidance counsellor, aren't you? Yeah, I know.

I'd make some woman a smashing husband if I wasn't already married.

Hey, here, Sid.

Huh? Take her a bunch of flowers.

They're not exactly in full bloom, are they?

Don't do it again, Sid. Neither are you.

So, you see, have a lovely evening.

How do I look?

Irresistible, darling.

There. That'll do.

Oh, very nice, Mum.

Yes. A real spider's web.

When does the fly get back?

I've only tidied up a bit.

What's this?

Songs for swinging lovers?

Oh, is it?

I hadn't noticed.

It just happened to be there.

I don't think you'll get very much out of him with that. Mummy's a bit past

that. You'd be better with this one.

What is it? Abide with me.

I've got somewhere to go.

Well, I've got a slight problem, you see, Mum. No transport.

But then, if you pinch Dad's keys off him when he comes back, and you give

to me, I'll go out.

All right, I'll see what I can do. Thanks, Mum. By the way, you look

Thank you.

Daddy not back yet?

No, and I wish he'd hurry up. I don't want everything to go cold.

Well, why don't you put a cardigan on then?

I meant the dinner.

Oh, that'll be Roger. He's taking me out for a meal.

I thought you and Roger kept having terrible arguments. You weren't going to

him again. I know, but tonight's a sort of anniversary.

Anniversary of what?

Of the night three weeks ago when I told him I'd never see him again.

Bye, Mummy. Have a lovely evening. Thank you, dear.

You look smashing.

Oh, thank you.

I want you to go and get yourself all dolled up because I'm taking you out.

No one in the arguments. The table's booked for eight o 'clock.

But I've got it all arranged in here.

I'm ready.

The kids are out. Dinner's ready.

Hi.

Yeah.

Where'd you get the dead flowers from?

From me.

Find something to put them in.

I'll fetch the dustbin.

I thought you said they were out.

Sally's gone.

I just dropped in to wish you a pleasant evening.

How's the car going?

Very nicely, thank you.

And just keep your fingers off it.

Now, darling. Yes? You just cancel the table and we'll have a lovely, quiet

evening together.

Yes, Dad. Everything's here you need.

Candlelit dinner, romantic music, oxygen cylinder.

Now, you go out.

Have a lovely evening.

Thanks, Mum.

Now, relax, darling. Take your coat off and I'll get you a drink. No, no, no,

no. No, we're going out. I told you. Oh, stop.

Well, Blimey, you're the one who's always complaining that I don't do this.

that's why I'm taking you out to dinner. We can sit here any night of the week,

can't we?

But tonight we'll be alone.

Just the two of us.

No interruptions.

Yes, why not?

I thought you'd like that. Oh, I do, I do.

Oh,

sorry. I didn't realise you'd started.

Did you want something?

Yeah, Trevor's just...

You're jugging.

Tomato sauce. He likes it on his fish and chips.

Come to think of it, he pours it over everything I put in front of him.

Have you tried slipping back to back?

Oh, you do look nice.

Do you manage to get rid of the kids, then?

Yes, we're going to have a nice, quiet evening together.

Excuse the intrusion. I can't find the salt.

Here.

Salt.

You cut with that one and you shove that one in your mouth.

No, no, no, thanks. See, we eat our fish and chips with our fingers. It's like

the newspaper.

Don't be so common.

Shows me up like this every time we go out. We're not out, are we? We're not at

home, are we?

Well, I only come out for the salt midnight.

Go and put your coat on. Go on, we'll do that. Oh, the thing is... Now, we said

we were going to have a nice, quiet, intimate evening, didn't we?

Yes. Well, Blimey, we say it's like trying to conduct a relationship in the

middle of Wembley Stadium.

But my dinner's in the oven.

Let them have it. Oh, said we couldn't. Oh, yes, we can.

Oh, seriously.

What a night.

All right,

Debs. Here are yours.

Get flogging.

Don't you mean get cracking?

No, not according to him.

It's flogging. You don't crack a dead horse.

Go get your coat on.

Oh, Sid, we can't. What do you mean we can't? We're up in the car. We're here

15 minutes.

The car? That's right, the car.

Where's the car keys?

Car keys?

Yeah, they start at the car, you know. I left them on the desk.

The desk? That's it, here.

Well, Sid, we don't have a car.

What do you mean we don't have a car?

Well, Mike borrowed it. I gave him the keys.

Thank you very much.

Well, it was the only way I could think of getting him out.

Oh, I didn't think we'd need him.

Ah, well, that's that then. Might as well get back to the fish and chips.

It's the nearest we've been to an evening out together for months. Come

Hang on, come here.

Give us your car keys.

What for?

For the free dinner you get in there.

We'll borrow your car.

That's where I put my coat on. Yeah, go on. Quick, quick, quick. Give us a kiss.

Go on, give him one. Come on. All right, all right. Here you go.

There you are. Thank you, Jeff.

Have a nice time.

Don't hurry back.

Nice hot dinner and two glasses of wine and he'll turn into a little bundle of

passionate laughter.

Oh, you little devil.

Oh, he's lovely.

I could eat him.

You'll need that.

She'll find it.

I'm a bit rusty.

I used to get medals for my wolves.

That was a quick step.

Listen there.

There we are.

Oh, it is lovely. Thank you. Oh, I know what I'm doing.

Oh, listen.

That song, do you remember?

Oh, yes, very much, yes.

Oh, we've had some lovely times.

Do you remember when we first met?

Yes. You were an officer in the rent, and I was a private in the sanitary

stop you tying it on.

No.

But every time I did, I had to salute before.

And after.

Well, when I did propose, you looked me straight in the eye and you said,

private habit, crammed arms, quick march.

Do you remember the hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon?

Yes. And they had single beds and we had to push them together.

And during the night, we fell down through the middle.

Oh, blimey, I'm starving, you know.

That's wrong cocktail for a long time.

Let's forget it. We'll have some more doughs instead, eh? Oh, will you order

me? I won't be a minute.

Miss!

No, then, sir.

What do you fancy?

Yes, please, yes.

Which one?

I'll have one of each.

Ah, sorry.

Sorry. Yes, please.

Yes, sir.

Yep.

Thank you. And roll mop.

Roll mop, yes, sir. That's it.

Take the pallet.

Take the pallet.

That's it. Very nice. Thank you. Oh, look.

The sardines are on the bottom again.

Sardines. My sardines? Yes, please.

Just one more.

Is that enough for you, sir?

Yes, thanks. I've seen enough. I've had enough.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you. Thank you.

Here.

Hello, darling.

Enjoy it?

Thanks.

Oh, Steve!

It's all right. It's not all mine.

There you are. You're having a potato salad.

Some of those.

Isn't it lovely here without the kids?

Oh, they're not bad, really.

Yeah, there's much without them, isn't there?

Oh, Steve!

There's Sally with what you want, isn't there?

Oh, that's great, that is.

There's 15 hundred bloody restaurants in Putney and I have to pick this one.

Oh, that's all right. It's just a coincidence.

It's not as if they were with us. Now, look, Sally, just listen to me. I just

don't want to talk about him. But it was all your fault.

It was not my fault. Of course it was.

I wish I hadn't come. Well, you could have pleased yourself.

Well, if you don't like it, you can go.

One more quick like that and I will.

Oh, hello, Mummy.

Hello, darling.

Pretend we don't know him.

You're really pushing me. I don't think they're happy, Sid. I'm warning you. I

think they're arguing.

It's all my fault. It's not your fault. All right, then.

If that's how you feel about it, I don't know why I bother.

Sid,

pull up a chair. Yes, yes, all right.

You're all right. Sit down, sit down.

I thought you weren't home.

Oh, we changed our minds.

Oh, he was being so awful. He's terribly conceited, Daddy. I'm never going to

see him again.

I think it's very nice of you to bother to come here and tell us.

He's bought my whole evening.

Oh, Daddy!

Sally, you're wetting my suit.

Never mind, darling. Darling, you shall have dinner with us. Excuse me, sir. Mr.

Dinley Abbott. That's right, yes.

There's the young man outside.

He said it's your son.

The police have just dropped him off. Police?

Don't be alarmed.

He's not bad, is he?

Oh, my.

What happened?

What have you been up to? Where's the car?

It's all right, Dad. Cool it. Just a slight accident.

What's the damage? Nothing serious. Just a sprained wrist.

Not you, you twit. The car.

The car?

It's a bit bent.

Bent?

You haven't eaten, have you? I'm really starving.

Me too.

The menu, sir.

For four, is it?

Why don't you pull up a chair and join us? Let's have a party.

Thank you very much, sir. Arthur, two more sets.

46 quid that meal cost me.

And our bloody waiter had to have two lobsters and a bum surprise.

And I got the car repairs.

Oh, don't go on about it, Sid. You're spoiling the evening.

Me spoiling the evening? That's good. Yes, Daddy, be quiet.

I've got a headache.

He's coming in his mouth. Oh, no. Oh, no, he keeps going.

Look, I'm sorry, Sid. We had to bring the baby.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I thought we were sitting down here having a laugh. Daddy! I don't want to

Oh, Sid.

I don't know where the bottle is, do I?

Just place him up and down a bit.

Do you know she's been... Give me the indigest.

I'm sorry to disturb you all.

It's about the car that was in the accident.

Yes. I'm afraid the road fund licence is out of date. One of the tyres is

illegally worn.

Who's the owner, please?

My husband.

Sid! Look,

don't...

Bouncing up and down a bit. Come right.

Come in, come in, mate. Give us a tune on your whistling.

I'm right in there.

Look, here.

Well, dance it. Fill him up again. Go on.

Thank you.