Original subtitles

It took me 12 months to finish it.

See?

Yes, yes, yes.

Do you like the colour? Yes, it's lovely.

See? Put it in the oven. I'll eat it later.

It's your new pullover.

Well, don't do that. I can't hear you. What's going on? Come on, get up. I want

you to try it on. Oh, don't.

Yeah, that's all right.

Will you all right if I roll them up? Yeah, well, just keep rolling. You'll

an arm up there somewhere.

Let me have it for a minute. Give it to me.

Well, what do you think?

It's perfect.

I knew it.

You don't like it. I love it. It's very nice.

I'll get the phone. I should shut up you two with it. Please keep quiet.

Never mind, Sid.

When I wash it, it'll shrink.

Much doubt they're shrinking.

What have you got on?

My new sweater.

Never mind, Daddy. When you wash it, it'll shrink.

Is the film finished?

No. But don't worry, switch it off. I'll wait till they repeat it.

You're always watching those old cowboy films.

I should think by now you'd be saddle sore.

Do you have to have a never -ending stream of visitors here every night?

It was only Jeremy returning my LPs.

Anyway, Daddy, my friends have to call in person since you stopped me using the

phone.

Occasionally. Occasionally? You're on it 48 hours a day.

I'm not now.

Well, you can't be, can you? Because he's always on it.

Boy, put the phone down.

Sid. Have you seen the phone, Bill? They're just waiting for me to pay it so

they can extend the post office tower.

Boy, put it down.

All right, calm down.

I hung up. Thank you.

It was for you.

It's all right. It'll be for me. No, you just stay right where you are. I'll do

this. I've had enough of this.

What the hell is it? Oh, I'm from the GPO, madam.

Is your husband in?

Never mind his name.

What do you want?

I'd like to see your television licence, please.

What for?

Because I'm from the post office.

How?

One of those detective vans? Yes, it is outside.

I thought you both were just a rumour. The licence, sir, if you please. Yes, of

course. Hang on a minute.

I'll get it for you. Thank you. Right.

Yes?

Who is it? It's one of those TV detective vans. Float wants to see our

television licence.

No. Yes.

Tell him to call back. We're busy.

If you give it to me and I show it to him, he won't have to call back, will

Your father wants to see the television licence.

Yes. Mike, Daddy wants to see the television licence.

We haven't got one.

Haven't got what?

A television licence.

But I gave you the money to pay for it weeks ago.

Ah, yes, but Sally borrowed it. To lend to Mike.

You've got three seconds to come up with that television licence.

Dad? Yes? Do you remember that party we threw for you at the Red Lion a few

weeks ago for your birthday?

And that lovely surprise present that you were so thrilled with.

And all those jelly deals and pie and mash.

Yeah, go on, go on, go on. Well, how do you think we paid for it?

You didn't use my television licence, Manic. Oh, it's just the loan, Sid.

They're saving up to pay me back and then I'll get a licence.

It's simple, Daddy.

Is it?

How much have you saved so far?

£1 .27.

But it was a lovely party, Fred. Of course it was a lovely party. I bloody

for it.

You'll get it back, Daddy.

Tell him to call again next month.

Are you there, sir?

Yes, all right, I'm coming.

What was it you wanted?

Television licence.

Oh, yes.

I wonder where that can be.

Like my sweater.

It'll shrink.

Now, Mr Abbott, to save us time and trouble, according to our records,

it's in another name, you have not renewed it.

No. Well, we haven't renewed it because we haven't got a telly. Oh.

Hello, what's that?

Your family having a shootout?

No, that's the neighbours.

They're having a party.

They're having a good time, aren't they?

Yes. Steve, I've had an idea.

Oh, I thought you'd gone.

Might come to shut up next door.

May I?

Excuse me.

Well, I never.

A television set.

Where? Just behind you, sir.

So there is.

Ah, yes, but we don't use it. Do we sit? No, no, no. I told him. Not since the

licence expired.

Oh, that's funny.

It's warm.

What do you do then? Cook on it?

That's very funny.

That's hysterical, isn't it? Can I show you out? Mr Abbott, no licence despite

reminders.

What reminders?

Initials, sir.

Oh, it's Sidney Abbott. All right, all right.

No doubt about it. All right.

I had no idea that we didn't have a television licence. Now, I can explain.

Save your breath, sir. You could listen.

Tell it to the judge.

He'll listen.

Judge?

So what are you going to do then, Sid? I've already done it.

I've sent back the form pleading not guilty.

You can't do that.

I mean, if you didn't have a licence, you're guilty.

It wasn't my fault. I'm innocent.

And you're being caught tomorrow?

Yes, tomorrow.

I see. Have you got a solicitor?

I'm defending myself.

You're joking!

No, no, no, I know what I'm doing. With my knowledge of the law and court

procedure. Yeah, but you need training for that sort of thing, see? Oh, no,

seen it all on the telly. Look, pay the fine.

I am not paying the fine because I am not guilty.

Yeah, well, the only chance you've got is to plead guilty, but insane.

If they take into account the company I keep, I might get away with it.

Mr. Abbott, why can't you plead guilty like the others?

Because I am not guilty.

We've heard the evidence from the GPO, Inspector. You had a television set and

you did not have a current license. It's quite straightforward.

Oh, no, it is not quite straightforward.

In the interest of justice, I am pleading not guilty for one very good

May we hear that reason?

I'm innocent.

Are you legally represented?

I'm defending myself.

Oh, very well, get on with it. What's your excuse?

Excuse? I haven't come here to make excuses.

I'm defending myself, mate.

I am not mate, Mr. Abbott.

If you must address me at all, please do so as you worship or sir.

And how long is all this nonsense going to take? We're extremely busy.

You were supposed to be here to see that I get a fair trial.

I know my rights, mate. And I also know that British justice goes all the way

back to the Magna Carta.

I hardly think the Magna Carta included television licences.

Are you sure you're qualified for this job?

I'm getting fed up with you, Mr Abbott.

You conduct yourself properly or I'll hold you in contempt of court.

Well, you started it.

Do you wish to cross -examine the gentleman who gave evidence for the GPO?

No, thank you.

I have my own witnesses.

Stand down, please.

Call Mrs. Jean Abbott.

Mrs. Jean Abbott!

I'm here, Sid.

Can't you take a stand?

Please take the card in your right hand and read the words thereon. Right hand,

please.

I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give in this court

the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Amen.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. There's no jury in this court.

You address all your marks to me.

Are you Mrs.

Jean Abbott of 2 Howard Road?

Oh, see, do you know very well who I am?

Will you please answer the question, are you Mrs. Jean Abbott, yes or no?

Yes. Thank you.

And are you related to the defendant?

Who's the defendant?

I am.

I'll ask you again.

Are you related to the defendant?

Yes. Thank you.

In what capacity? Miss Rabbit, is this woman your wife? Yes. Well, please get

with it.

I want you to cast your mind back to Thursday morning, the 27th of last

Oh, no, Sid.

The 27th was a Wednesday.

I remember because the budgie had a cough and you had to take him to the

All right, it was a Wednesday. Now, do you recall a conversation you had with

the defendant during breakfast on that day?

No.

Yes, you do. We went over it this morning.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you came down to breakfast with a hangover.

And Mike had eaten all your sausages, so you said you'd murder him. So I told

you... Miss Rabbit, what is the point of all this?

If you give me half a chance, I'll get to it.

Did I give you 18 pounds in cash during breakfast on that day?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

And what did I say in my exact words, please?

You said, here's 18 quid.

Get that bloody licence, will you?

And what did you do with that money?

Oh, I lent it to Sally. Thank you. You may stand down.

Next witness, please.

Miss Sally Abbott.

Miss Sally Abbott, how long is this business going on?

Until I've proved I'm not guilty.

Carry on.

Please take the card in your right hand and read the words thereon.

I swear by almighty God that the evidence I shall give in this court

the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Are you Miss Sally Abbott of 2 Howard Road?

Yes, Daddy.

Would you kindly tell the court your relationship to the accused?

Yes, Daddy.

I'm his daughter.

Thank you.

Did you receive £18 in cash from the previous witness just after I had gone

work? Yes, I did.

And what did you do with that money?

I gave it to Mike. Thank you. You may stand down.

Let's witness, please, Mr.

Michael Abbott.

Mr.

Michael... Mr. Abbott, will you please return to the dock? I haven't finished

yet. Please, Mr. Abbott. I've got another way, Constable.

All right. All right.

All right.

Now then, Mr. Abbott, to save us all this rigmarole, would you mind telling

what you're trying to prove?

Your logic.

I saved up that money to pay for that license.

Yes. I then gave the money to my wife and told her to pay it.

She gave the money to my daughter, who gave it to my son, who blew it on a

party.

You have my sympathy.

I should think so.

Therefore, I did not know that we did not have a license.

And therefore, I did not knowingly fail to purchase one.

Yes. And furthermore, and such as it is, in view of the fact... that I did not

knowingly fail to purchase one, I personally am not guilty.

Oh, I see. So you have summoned the wrong fellow.

Right, thank you. And that is your case, is it?

Yes, more or less. Thank you.

Guilty fine, £50.

Yes, I'm off.

Now, listen to me. No, I don't want to hear another word. I've told you 50

times, I am not paying that fine on principle.

But if you don't pay, you'll go to prison. That's right, I'm going to

So while I'm having a farewell drink with Trevor, will you kindly pack my

What about your dinner?

I'll have my dinner there.

45, 40, 45, 50.

Right. That is 50 quid.

Now, today is Friday. You pay that into the court on Monday and you get me out.

Right, Sid. Right. And you'll just be away for the weekend?

That's all.

It's going to teach my little family a lesson, isn't it?

And you're really going to get arrested?

Yes. I've already phoned the court and told them my 14 days is up. Yeah.

Well, I hope you'll be all right, Sid. Yeah.

Of course I'll be all right.

Nice little cell all to myself.

Read the Sunday papers, feet up. Nice restful weekend.

Right, well.

By the time I went back and gave myself up... This

is going to be a doddle.

Abbott! This way!

Come on, get a move on.

Right, stand there.

And stand still.

Hey, hey, hey, don't you talk to me like that. I know my rights.

It's all done. I've got a bloody crummy... No talking.

Right, I'll kit you up with a nice new suit Monday morning.

McGurk, get up.

You've got a mate. Play, mate.

Shut up or I'll smash your faces.

Oh, yes.

Take no notice. He's a right madman.

You're not putting me in there with them, are you? We're a bit pressed for a

room, mate.

It's just for this afternoon.

He'll be discharged tonight.

Who is he?

Slasher McGurk.

Forget it. I'll pay the fine.

Come here, mate.

Man of principle, eh?

Right, inside.

What's he in for?

Grievous bodily harm. Get him.

Don't worry, Mummy.

He's probably got a nice little room all to himself.

And he's bound to make friends with the other, you know, convict.

I'm sorry I'm late, Mum.

But I've been all over the place trying to raise that 50 quid for the fine.

Oh. Thank you, dear.

Did you try taking a collection at the Heron House?

Yeah, I told everybody it was to pay a fine to get Dad out of prison.

And it was packed, so I took the hat round.

How much did you get?

37p.

37p, is that all?

Well, it didn't seem worth bringing it home, so I had a drink with it.

Right, make it two quid.

You know, I've got to admire you.

Do him porridge for not paying the fine.

Yeah, well, Blondie, they're not going to push me around, mate.

They won't break me even if they try torture.

Yeah, well, it takes guts to say that.

Got to hand it to you.

I'll stick.

You can't stick on 14.

Oh, sorry.

Twist!

You're bust.

Here.

I'm getting discharged tonight. Anything I can handle for you?

Like what?

Well, I can do that magistrate over, if you like.

Spotty old GBH, my speciality.

No, no, I don't want to put you out, you know.

All right, then.

Pay 19.

How many's that?

12.

You ain't fiddling me, are you, Sidney?

This is beginner's luck, sir.

Here, I can help you. Yeah?

I got some money stashed behind the fire extinguisher for my last job down at

the local police station. No, no, you keep it, mate. Save it.

Very nice of you to offer it, you know. Right, out you come then, McGurk.

Don't worry, we'll keep your bunk nice and warm for you.

Well, go on then, Sid.

I'll send you that money I owe you.

In a fruitcake with a fire and a pair of wire cutters.

I remember to take my teeth out.

Out you go, McGurk. Go on, Sid.

Wilson, take that man upstairs to the office.

You come with me.

You've got a visitor.

Visitor?

Hello, Steve. Quiet, please.

Right, Abbott, sit down there.

No mucking about.

No monkey business.

You've got two minutes.

What are you doing there?

How's it going, Nancy?

Oh, it's all right. I can stick it till Monday.

Yeah? Well, that's what I come about, you see. Right.

Actually, I've had a bit of a calamity.

In a way.

When I got home this afternoon... Yeah? I said, it was this bloke from the

electricity board... No whispering!

Would you care to join us?

One and a half minutes.

I said, it was this bloke from the electricity board and he'd come to cut

cos I hadn't paid the bill.

What's that got to do with me?

I said, we owe £47 .50 and I'm overdrawn at the bank already and... I don't

know, I'll tell her.

What are you trying to tell me, Trevor?

I had to, Sid.

You spent my 50 quid!

Not all of it, Sid.

Honestly. No.

Here's the change.

£2 .50. No gifts or presents?

That's not a present. It's the last of my 50 quid. It's all right, Sid. Keep

your hair on.

But it's my only chance of getting out of here on Monday.

I know.

I feel awful.

I'll pay you back. A couple of quid a month.

Is that right? I shall be in here for 30 years.

And I have no option seat.

You won't want me to end up in a nick.

What do you think this is?

The putney bleeding Hilton?

And his sports jacket.

And here's the briefcase.

Oh, we should get at least 15 quid for that lot.

All right, Trev.

How's it going, then?

Oh, Trevor, is it really necessary?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, he was a broken man when I saw him last night.

But he's got his pride.

Poor Sid.

Yeah. I keep telling him, you know, pay the fine.

But he wouldn't.

Here we are.

I got ten pounds for his fishing tackle.

Oh. Thank you, dear.

We may even have enough money to renew the television licence.

It's hardly worth getting him out. He won't have anything left to come home

I've always fancied this jacket. How much?

Two -fifty.

Done.

Thank you, Trevor.

Right, on your feet, Abbott, when a prison officer approaches.

Here we are, 44 Nicker.

That's the best I could do.

That pawnbroker drove a hard bargain.

You're still six quid short.

Harry? Eh?

Twenty quid me watch, fifteen quid me gold ring and lighter, five quid me

jacket, four quid me trousers.

Another six quid and I'm out. Six quid.

Hey, you're a lucky lad, Abbott. Come with me.

More visitors.

More visitors?

embracing, please?

Sit down there, madam, please.

You, stand there.

Daddy, you can come home. We paid the fine.

I told you I didn't want to pay you for... Where did you get the money?

We just sold a few things.

What things?

Just some odd clothes and things.

Like what? Like suits, sports jacket, shoes, briefcase, tool kit, spot lamps.

Oh, and your fishing tackle.

I don't believe it. You haven't sold my clothes.

Just take me home. I want to get out of here. I want to lie down on the sofa. I

want to have a drink, lots of drinks and something to eat and get my feet up. In

front of the television. Yes, please. Daddy, it's Miss World tonight.

Is it?

Followed by the European Cup final.

Leave me to it. Come on, let's go.

Oi! What?

Are you taking that blanket?

Yes. Two quid.

Pour your father a drink.

Sally, get his dinner ready. OK, Mummy.

Come on, my darling. You sit down and make yourself comfortable. Thank you.

All right, I'll go.

Oh, good evening, Mr Abbott. I'm very sorry.

Don't apologise,

mate. It was my fault, wasn't it? I think it's very nice of you to come

Come in.

Would you like a drink?

Oh, that's very civil of you.

What can I get you?

Your television license.

Hang on a minute.

Darling, give him the television license.

Sid. Yes?

I only had enough to pay the fine.

Thank you.