Original subtitles

Yes? Yes?

How much is it?

One hundred thousand pounds.

Oh, Sid, that's marvellous. What is it, Mummy?

Your father's just won a big export order for the firm.

How much for?

£100 ,000.

Would Daddy get anything out of it? He gets a bonus.

Well, that's marvellous. I must ring Mike and tell him he can put a bit about

in the local paper.

But Mike's a photographer, not a reporter.

Well, that's even better. He can put your father's picture in the paper.

Oh,

God.

I'm home.

I think you're marvellous. Yes, I am, aren't I?

I love you.

Where are you going?

It'll only take me five minutes to dress.

You are dressed.

Well, I thought we'd go out and celebrate tonight.

Oh, no, no. Tonight I've got to go to the hair and hands.

To celebrate on your own?

Oh, no. We're arranging that outing for the old age pensioners.

Pensioners? Yeah.

Well, it's nice to know that I'll get an outing sometime.

If I can wait that long.

We'll celebrate when my bonus comes through.

I've just got time for a quick drink, a sandwich, and I'm off.

We're doing the financial bits tonight.

Well, why does it have to be you?

Because I'm the only one who can add up.

Well, you can't go out yet.

Why not?

Mike and Anita are coming round.

Who's Anita?

Anita's the reporter that Mike works with.

They're going to do a bit about you in the local paper.

Oh, are they?

That's nice, isn't it? How long will they be?

Oh, they can't leave it too late, Daddy. They're going to bed at nine.

Not in this house, they're not.

Daddy, they're going to bed with the printer.

That newspaper of his one's looking into.

It's a technical expression.

It means the paper's ready for printing.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, well, I'll do my foot for a booze if they haven't arrived by then.

We'll have to go to bed without me.

Go straight in.

Is he home yet?

Oh,

Dad, this is Anita.

Anita, my father.

And that's my mother and my sister Sally. Hello.

Sid. Go upstairs and put your best suit on.

What for?

Well, you can't be photographed like that. You look awful.

He looks just as awful in his best suit.

Anyway, we haven't much time.

You said right. You've got exactly two minutes.

Mr. Abbott, can I have a few brief details?

Certainly. How old are you?

Twenty -seven.

Six.

All right. Twenty -eight.

Look, if he's not going to cooperate, why don't we just forget it? That suits

me, matey. I've got to get down to the boozer. All Daddy cares about is his old

-age pensioner's outing. Old -age pensioner? And you're still working?

marvellous.

I'm arranging it.

Right, Dad.

Now then.

Just turn round, give us a big grin, and we'll call it quits.

Oh, my.

Can't you take a pretty one?

A pretty one?

Of him?

Put something on the piano.

But he's doing his pools.

We'll compromise.

I'll go and do my pools on the piano.

That's better.

Ready?

Oh, what a pity that Manchester City has had its chances.

My house has been blighted by Sheffield United and they can all get... Don't!

Here we are.

Hello, Ted.

Hello, Sid. Come on,

Sid. Let's get started.

Right,

off we go.

Right, now then, gents.

We propose to take 34 pensioners on the outing at £6 .75 per head.

Right, Sir, that's 34 at £7 .50. I mean, 34 times 6,

which is, I'll call it 35, make it easier.

I'll make it £229 .50.

It can't be 6.

What do you make it?

Well, I don't know yet, do I? I mean, you've got a pen and paper, I'm doing it

in my head.

Well, hurry up, the outing's in three weeks.

Sid, I'm happy with your figure.

No, no, no. Don't take my word for it.

Let's wait for Trevor, the human computer.

I nearly had it then. I can see that. One of your ears lit up.

There we are, Sid.

One large double. That's right.

Now, I make it, we're still 69 quid short.

Well, look, if we get another old -age pensioner, a monk at 35, that'll do it.

How is that going to help us find 69 quid?

Well, it won't, but it will make it easier to add up.

It won't make it easier on the old -age pensioner. Why?

The coach only holds 34. That poor old sod will have to watch.

abbot of Too Hard Road, seen here doing his football pools at the piano.

Hang on.

Read that again.

Local man wins £100 ,000.

Export order.

No, it doesn't mention that.

Oh, I do wish he'd worn his best suit.

Oh, no.

They've cut the caption.

It should read, local man wins £100 ,000 export order.

Does it matter?

Yes, it looks as if Dad's won the pools.

Well, maybe it's a good omen.

Perhaps he really will win the pool. Wouldn't it be funny if he did?

He won't think it's funny when he gets begging letters and people round here

scrounging money. I'll get the blame for it. Well, we worry about that when he

does win.

Mum, according to that, he already has.

Oh. There'll be trouble when Daddy sees it.

No, there won't. Why?

We won't show it to him.

Morning. Is it in?

My picture in the weekly bugle.

It hasn't arrived, Sid. They forgot to deliver it. Oh.

Well, I'll call round and I'll get one on my way to work and I'll give them a

right mouthful. Oh, it's all right, Sid.

Sally will pop round and get one.

Well, provided there's one left. Yes, quite often it sells right out.

You're joking.

There's only about seven people around here read it.

Ooh, the mercury.

We used to until Mike started to work on the bugle. When he gets his sack, we'll

go back to the mercury.

Thank you for your loyalty and confidence.

Well, it's a shocking paper. Blimey, it's full of adverts.

Oh, there's a lovely picture of you in it, Sid.

How do you know if you haven't seen it?

Well, it must have been if Mike took it.

I'll go out and try and buy a copy.

Get two, will you, darling? I want to take one to work and shower.

Sally, get as many as they've got.

What for?

So we can send them to all our friends and relatives.

That's right, Sal.

Buy up the lot.

Try every shop in the district.

There's two pounds, dear.

And here's two more.

I'll get it.

Have you looked on potty?

Oh, come on, Dad. For the first time in your life, you've done something.

And we're very excited, Sam.

Yes, you are, aren't you?

want to do is to congratulate him on his good fortune.

That's very nice of you, sir. I'll tell him.

The trouble is, Miss, I haven't worked for nine years and I wondered if he

do something to help me. He's not in.

I need 20 pounds desperately.

Nobody.

Nobody?

It's a man. He came to the wrong address.

Then why is he bashing the door down?

bit funny.

I'll sort him out. No, Daddy!

Don't open the door.

Why not?

I haven't eaten for three weeks!

He could be dangerous.

He could only be dangerous if he's a cannibal.

He's a tramp catching money.

Just leave it to me. I'll give him a couple of bob and I'll get rid of it.

Daddy! It's all right. Don't worry about it.

I'm sorry to bother you, sir, but even ten would help.

Yeah?

What's this?

10p. That's what you are for, isn't it?

10p? It cost me 12p to get here!

He is a bit funny, you're right.

I'm going out the back way.

Started.

Who was it, Sid?

A nutcase.

He asked me for 10p. When I gave it to him, he chucked it at me.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

All right?

I'll get it. If that's him again, I'll knock him out. Sid, sit and eat your

breakfast. Mike can answer it.

I wouldn't bother you, but I have these seven small children.

He's busy.

And I'm sure your father would wish to help me.

He's having his breakfast.

With eight small mouths to feed.

But you said seven.

Yeah, well, I just got this telegram.

Well, I should drop him a line, and I'll make sure he gets it. If that's what

you think, young man, then that's what I'll do. Thank you. Good day to you. Bye

-bye.

Is that him again?

No, no, it was another one.

Another trap? Yes, but it's all right. I got rid of him.

I don't understand it.

I haven't seen a trap around here for years. All of a sudden, they're coming

at two -minute intervals.

What? I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm afraid it's all my fault.

That I can believe.

But tell me anyway, why is it your fault? Well, you see, one came to the

yesterday and, well, I gave him a couple of bob. So?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

They've got a code.

Code? Yes, if they find a house that's an easy touch.

Well, they stick a sign on the gate, don't they?

Sign? Yeah, and then all the others come along.

Oh, yes, Sid.

I've read that somewhere.

Have you? So, if you get any more callers, don't answer the door.

I got a better idea.

What's that?

Find that bloody sign and rub it off.

Look, are you sure about this, sir?

I mean, I can't see a sign anywhere.

There must be one. I've had two tramps around here already this morning.

Well, it's a mystery to me.

Morning. Morning.

Hey, you waiting to go in there to get a few bob off him?

Yeah, yeah, that's right. If I'd known there was going to be a queue, I

have bothered.

Excuse me.

Where's the sign?

This is it.

Thank you.

Oi, Mum, what's on fire?

Sally's in the garden. She's burning all those newspapers we've got with your

father's picture in it. She's left it a bit late, isn't she? He'll be home soon.

We've been at it all day, but it keeps starting to rain.

Did you get any more callers?

Seven. Three after money and four complaining about the smoke.

Well, nobody knows it's at work, thank God.

That last lot won't burn. They're soaking wet.

Well, chuck some paraffin over them. And hurry up.

Now what are we going to do?

Who's the fire?

I'm just burning some rubbish, Daddy.

Everything all right, dear?

Yeah, great.

I'm just choking, that's all.

And nobody said anything?

What about?

Your photograph in the paper.

No, no, nobody's seen it. Did you get a copy?

No, Sally tried everywhere.

That's incredible.

Ah, well, it's probably because of our big front page scoop.

Oh, yes.

My export order.

No. The orgy in Putney.

What orgy in Putney?

Oh, you know, wife -swapping, dancing naked in the garden. All prominent

Anybody we know?

Oh, I wouldn't think so, sir.

It's disgusting.

Of course it's disgusting. But it sells newspapers.

What about the shed?

Nothing. It's on fire.

Well, not much. In fact, it's out now. Oh, it will be. I can manage.

Just a minute. Let me get out of here.

Don't make a fuss.

Sally can manage.

Yes, Dad. She's got to learn to cope with emergencies.

After all, you wouldn't want to destroy her self -confidence.

I don't want her to destroy my shed.

It's only a load of old rubbish. It's not old rubbish. It's a brand new shed.

I think she's burning a load of old rubbish.

I'm coming, don't you worry.

Chet's all right.

Did they mention any names?

No.

Well, I don't see why you couldn't squeeze another one in sick.

I mean, it's Mrs Limburg. Trevor, Trevor, it doesn't matter how you add it

We were 69 quid short before.

We've had 19 pounds off the pile of pennies. So we're still 50 quid short.

I wish we had a few locals.

Wealthy residents, we could get a few quid off.

Well, I don't know of any. Here, well, hang on.

Our foreman read in the local paper there's a bloke round here.

He's won 100 ,000 quid on the pools.

That's the bloke we want. Who is he?

There's nobody he's ever heard of. I mean, he just happened to mention it.

Well, it wasn't in the Mercury.

Yeah, well, it must have been in a Bugle.

I tried to get hold of a copy, but that all sold out.

You know why?

The nude local orgy in Putney.

What's he in Putney? Right across the front page.

Local residents galloping about in the nude.

You reckon he was one of them?

Who? This bloke has won the polls.

He could be right.

This celebrity needs a win. Yeah.

Well, if we find out who he is, we might be able to touch him for a few quid.

Yes, but the point is, though, who is he? It's all right. I'll get Mike to

out. Now, the first thing we've got to do is write him a letter. Yeah. Now

how do we start?

Aye, sir.

Dear sir, on behalf of the Hare and Hounds darts team... Old age pensioners

in front.

We write in the hope that you can find it in your heart to... Contribute from

your recent windfall. Hang on. Hang on.

Dear sir...

Yes.

But they can't all be begging letters, can they? We'll have to open them all

check, Sal.

Oh, this one's ever so sad.

They're all sad.

You should see the one Dad wrote.

Daddy's written one.

Yep, he gave it to me last night to post.

But who's he written a begging letter to?

Himself.

If you can read it, then we'll burn it with the rest of them.

How many this morning?

Oh, 350.

He's not going to work today.

Do you think I dare leave him and go shopping?

As long as you're back by the second post.

I've done quite well this morning, Mabel.

Yeah. I've got 75 quid out of that premium bonds winner.

Yeah. I should be home for lunch.

Oh, let's start with a bit of smoked salmon and then one of your soufflés.

Yeah, it won't be long.

I'm going to pop off now and have a go at that pools winner.

Yeah, the one I wrote to.

Abbott. How gross.

Here's your coffee, darling.

I'll have it later.

Oh, cheer up, Seb.

We're still 50 quid short.

That means they'll have lunch and a fish supper, but they'll have to miss out on

the winkle tea and the dodgems.

Never mind. They'll still enjoy it. Mind you, if I'd had winkle tea and a fish

supper, I wouldn't want to go on the dodgems.

Well, there you are, then.

Bye -bye, darling.

Bye -bye.

Mr. Sidney Abbott. That's right, yes.

The pool's winner.

Oh. I wonder if you should receive my letter.

Letter? Yeah, regarding the sum of £50.

Oh, no, I haven't had a letter yet.

I'm very pleased to see you.

I was getting very worried about you.

Oh, really?

Yeah, come in.

Thank you.

Of course, you realise, Mr Abbott, that asking for financial help can be a most

embarrassing matter.

Oh, yes, it can be. But when it's a really deserving cause... Oh, exactly.

That does make all the difference. Oh, it does.

I've got some coffee. Would you care for a cup? Oh, indeed, I would. Sit down.

Thank you.

You've got a very nice home here, Mr Abbott.

Yes, we like it. Very comfy. Here we are. Thank you.

I haven't eaten for three days.

Three days?

That's dangerous.

You must eat.

You could do yourself an ear.

Have a ginger biscuit.

Thank you.

I suppose it's a shock and everything. It was a shock, all right. Well, it

be, wouldn't it? My entire world seems turned upside down.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it. Don't let it get you down.

Go on a nice long holiday somewhere.

Spain, south of France, Bermuda. They say it's very nice in Bermuda. Oh, Mr.

Rabbit, if only I could.

Well, what's stopping you?

And I explained in my letter.

Which I haven't had yet.

Oh, no, no. So you said.

But you seem so sympathetic. I felt sure you must have.

Yes, well, I keep putting myself in your place.

Well, you see, I have these nine small children.

Oh, yeah, well, that makes a difference, doesn't it? Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, they might not like Bermuda. No.

What you want is a nice sandy beach. That's what you want. Mallorca. That's

Take the whole family to Mallorca.

How very, very kind of you.

And don't stint yourself.

Really?

Spend a bit of it now. Spread a bit of happiness.

Oh, Mr. Abbott, what can I say? I do so agree with you. Spread a bit of

happiness.

And I cannot think of a more deserving cause. Oh, neither can I.

As it says in a good book, it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Amen, Mr.

Abbott, amen.

Very good, that. Well put, yes.

Amen.

Now, in my letter, I mentioned the sum of 50 pounds.

Yes, well, I feel that they ought to have a winkle tea.

Well, if you feel that, then I'll make sure they have one.

Sure.

Can you get winkle teas in Mallorca?

I don't know.

You can get them in Southend.

What we have to ask ourselves is this. Yes?

Will 50 be enough?

Now, that's just what I was wondering.

Now, supposing, I mean, just supposing, this is not a commitment, but just

supposing we made it 60.

Well, I was thinking of 100.

Well, you really?

Unless you think that's too much. Oh, no, no, not in the least.

You can make it 160 if you like. Can I?

Yes. Let's give them the trip of their lives.

Well, then let's make it 200.

Oh, no, no, no, you're going too far. Oh, come on, Mr. Rabbit.

200.

You've talked me into it.

Then we can settle on 200.

Yes, but no more. Oh, no. No, enough's enough.

Good. Yes.

Yes.

More coffee?

Thank you, thank you.

Now, were you thinking of cash or a cheque?

Oh, I don't mind in the least.

We'll make it a cheque, shall we?

Yes. Cipher.

Oh, much, much. Much, yes.

More coffee?

That's what I was thinking.

When can you let me have it?

Have what?

The cheque.

Pardon?

The cheque you're so very kindly going to give me for £200.

What are you talking about? The £200 you're giving me to take my ten children

Mallorca. Eh?

Well, it was your idea.

You must be going round a bloody bend.

Now, listen, Mr. Rabbit, are you giving me that money or aren't you? I am not,

mate, and get out now. Go on, up it. All right.

Don't give me that, you mean, mean, mean, fisticac capitalist.

Look at the way you live.

Get out before I thump you. I'm going, I'm going. Go on, up it. And you can

shove it. Don't you chuck your bloody rubbish in my house.

What's in that piper?

Nothing, Sid. Let me see that piper. It's nothing, Daddy. Give me that piper.

Give me that piper. Give me that.

Hold it.

Now, wait a minute.

Hang on.