Original subtitles

Of course I'm all wet.

Been raining for three solid days, hasn't it? Let me help you.

Did you have a good day?

Shocking.

Oh. Hello, Dad.

What's he getting out of the way for?

What kind of a shocking day did you have, Sid?

Shocking. Oh, dear.

What do you mean, oh, dear?

Well... There's a big damp patch on the carpet, and I rang all the local

plumbers, and they're all busy.

So I rang the water board, and they can't come till tomorrow. And it's

worse, and I didn't do it. You didn't do it?

No. Well, it's all right then.

Don't worry about it. Hello,

Daddy. It's lucky you're home. Seems to be getting worse.

That's all right. It's not too bad.

Just a bit of damp rising after all this rain.

It'll dry up.

Oh, it's worse, Sid.

There's a trickle of water coming from behind the skirting board.

Trickle? Yes. We asked Mike to look at it, but he said it was better left to

you. How very wise.

You're not going to start hammering, are you?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's all right. Here we go.

I hope you know what you're doing. Of course I know what I'm doing.

street for removal vans. But Sid, if the house gets down, we'll all get

rheumatism. I've got it already.

Yes, Paddy, but we haven't. Yeah, well, don't worry about it. Just get my tool

kit. I want the puncture out. Where is it?

I'll just take up a couple of floorboards, find a leak, put a patch on

ackee round it, and wallop.

Wallop? Yeah. You don't think I was in the Boy Scouts all those years just

taking old ladies across the street, do you?

There we are.

Looks like it.

You know, Daddy, I think you were very unlucky to find concrete underneath the

floor. Very unlucky.

There must be an awful lot of pressure under there to force water up through

concrete. Yes, well, I'm not going to do anything about it. They can dig it up

and find out in the morning.

Well, it's a pity I've got to be up so early, Dad. Otherwise I would have

here and given you a hand.

It's only to keep you awake.

I think you're a very nice man.

Yes, you're smashing, Daddy. Thank you.

And you?

You want the truth?

No disrespect, but I do wish people wouldn't dabble.

I have not been dabbling. I've been stopping the furniture from floating

Let's see what you've got over there.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

This looks like a subterranean job. A subterranean job?

What difference does that make? It could be very nasty.

You'd better get out your jiffy.

You're not getting your jiffy out anyway.

I beg your pardon?

No, nothing.

All you've got to do is dig up the concrete and find a leak.

No, no, sir.

Now, it's a matter of procedure when you've got a subterranean job.

I mean, I know it looks easy enough, but we have got to go by the book.

You see, a subterranean job is a subterranean job, and that's to be

a subterranean job.

Because if it isn't treated like a... Like a subterranean job. Exactly.

You can find yourself in a right old mess.

What would you call this, then?

What the hell is that?

That's our jiffy.

Oh, I see.

You're not putting that thing up in here, are you? Well, I have to.

It's the rules.

But it's not raining in here.

Right. Well, just a matter of the rain. It's to discourage onlookers.

What onlookers? You, for a start.

I am not an onlooker, mate. This is my bleeding house. Mr. Abbott, when it

to a subterranean job, I promise you I won't look. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we've heard that before.

And there you are, five minutes later, peeping down our hole.

So, if you don't mind.

All right, don't push.

Josh.

Come on up.

Steve, is it all right for me to come in? Yes.

No.

Who is it?

My wife.

If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Try me.

Good morning, madam.

We're from the water board. We've come to clear up your little problem. Oh,

good. How long will you be?

Well, it depends on what we find underneath.

But don't you worry about it. I mean, we'll just get organised.

We'll have a quick tea break.

Then we get cracking.

Tea break?

You haven't done a bloody thing yet.

I'll put the kettle on. Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't you bother about us, madam.

We brew our own.

Charles here prefers China tea. He likes the fragrance.

It looks like he could do with it.

Would you like a cup of tea, darling? No, it's all right. Come down to bed.

All right.

Whatever you do, don't touch his jiffy.

I'll bet he would. All he did was look.

Anyway, that's fixed. All ready for tonight.

Ta -ta.

What shall we make him for his tea?

Oh, I don't know.

He'll probably come galloping down the stairs with an appetite like a horse.

He recovers very quickly, your father.

Hello, darling.

What happened to all the banging then?

Bouncing up and down in that blistered bed all afternoon.

So they've gone out to get a second opinion.

I'll make you a cup of tea.

Thank you.

Yes, in there.

Hello, Trevor.

How are you?

So you bought yourself a new tent?

It's the water boy.

Is it?

I've never heard of that model before.

Hey, it is a nice one, Sid.

But it won't sleep full.

Trevor. Yeah? Do you want something?

No, I just popped round for the cheery word.

Well, if the cheery word is, am I going to meet you in the boozer later, the

answer is yes.

Usual time?

Earlier. See you there.

Get out.

Afternoon, Mr Abbott.

Have a good kip? No.

I've brought the inspector with me.

Ah. You're going to need a bigger jiffy.

Yes, sir.

It's right through here, sir.

Here it is.

Good afternoon, madam.

Afternoon.

Your report said it was nasty.

Yes, sir.

I'd say it was very nasty.

Well, to

me,

it looks like... Yes, I thought that.

Until I saw the... Yes, I spotted that.

I considered it rather strange, because the... Wasn't there.

Exactly.

I'd rather look at the map, then.

Well, I can't seem to find it.

What was this house built, sir?

At 19 .30. Oh, well, that's it. That explains it, sir, this match. 18 .30.

You keep up with the times, don't you?

Hang on, hang on. There's something here.

What?

Potter's Well.

Potter's Well?

That's it. That's what you've got down there, sir.

Potter's Well.

You mean one of those things you put a bucket down and... That's right.

Well, what the hell are you doing under my floorboard? Somebody just happened to

have built your house on the wrong spot, sir.

Oh, Sid, we will have to move. No, no, it's all right, it's all right, it's all

right. You can fill it in, can't you? Oh, no, that's not our job, sir.

Mind you, we'll have to check that it doesn't get mixed up with our water

supply. And I think we'll need some extra equipment in here, Geoffrey. Extra

equipment? That's right, you'd better get hold of an AG -54, and I think we'd

better have a JK -91 on standby.

Right, sir.

Lovely.

You've got a right P .F. here to start with.

Don't worry, Mr. Abbott. You'll soon be as dry as a bone.

Not where I'm going, mate.

So, what is a JK -91, you see?

I'm an apprentice, aren't I?

I just walked out and left them to it.

Well, I've got a spanner that's a BJ -42A, if ever you need it.

I'll keep it in mind.

All I know is I just spent a fortune getting my roof fixed. Now it's coming

through the bloody floorboards.

Well, I don't understand it, Sid. It's a mystery to me.

Still, I suppose a well could come in handy if ever there's a water shortage.

Oh, Trevor.

How long's it going to take?

Well, now the rain's stopped. Perhaps it'll dry up.

And what happens if it starts raining again?

I'll borrow your BJ42A.

You might like a bite to eat.

Oh, I couldn't eat a thing.

Well, you're not feeling ill, are you? No, no, I feel fine.

I just keep getting these strange feelings.

What kind of strange feelings?

Well, I suppose it's because you and I aren't seeing as much of each other as

have been.

You know, I mean... When I'm asleep, you're awake, and when you're awake, I'm

asleep.

I think my time lapse has gone poofy.

Your time lapse?

Yes.

I mean, one half of me thinks it's three o 'clock in the afternoon.

The other half thinks it's midnight.

And the midnight bit is winning.

So, uh... Why don't you put the tray down and hop into bed?

Oh, Sid, I've just had my dinner.

Never mind.

It could be afters.

I'm not silly at all, come on.

We'll talk about it later.

And another thing, you forgot my birthday.

That was last week.

That's what I'm on about.

Look, do you want this or don't you? No, no, no.

I might as well get up.

How is he?

He wouldn't eat his dinner.

But he's much better than we expected.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Was there anything else he wanted?

No,

dear, only his arses.

Oh, well, Mummy, I'll get some trifle in the fridge. Oh, no, no, never mind,

dear.

You know, he's lucky he went in feet first.

How did he manage that?

Well, you know how he picks his legs up when he's creeping in late at night?

Yeah. Well, he must have stepped over the edge.

I think he's lucky he didn't go in head first.

He wasn't that lucky. The water went up to his collar.

He'll be down in a minute, so don't say anything.

All right, I'm here.

How do you do?

Mr Abbott?

That's right.

Well, I think so, yes.

My name is Miss Plummer.

I wonder if I could have a sample of your water.

Did you send for the doctor?

No. Come in, come in. Thank you. Just go straight through.

Ah,

good afternoon.

I am Miss Plubber, and I am from the local archaeological society.

The water board informed us that they had discovered an old well on your

premises. Oh, yes, it's in here. I just wondered if I might look at it and

possibly take a sample of the water in the well.

Oh, that water.

Yes, of course.

Gosh, thank you.

You'll find it's quite... Ah, yes.

I see they're using a JK -91.

How wise.

Are they? Oh, yes.

You surprised me. Of course, some people think you can get away with an AG -54,

but they soon find out you're better off with a JK -91 or an RT -38.

That's true.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I must pee out.

Pee out?

Yes.

Push off.

Oh, yes, you carry on. Don't worry about little me. I shall be lovely.

Oh, yes.

I can see that, yes.

I'll make you a cup of tea soon. Right -o.

She seems a nice lady, Sid. Oh, yes. Very sexy, too.

Who said it's that much?

look at the wealth. And if she likes it, she's going to buy the house.

Really?

Who's that with her head down the well?

That's Miss Plummer.

She's come to take a sample of your father's wealth. All right, all right,

right.

Isn't he bad enough?

Are you all right? Oh, yes, yes.

It's all terribly exciting.

The local society will be thrilled.

You know why?

Well, you know what it is, don't you? Yeah.

Bloody nuisance.

Tea. Only teas, isn't it?

It is the only local example of a 4th century Roman well.

Roman? 4th century?

Oh, yes, yes. We knew there should be at least one in the area.

And once we have the water analysed, I think we will find it has remained

untouched for the last 1 ,600 years.

1 ,600 years? Oh, yes, yes. The water could contain marvellous properties, you

know, full of minerals.

Go on.

You mean the stuff that puts ears on your chest?

Something like that, yeah.

Well, help yourself to a bucket full of my food coming in.

Would you like your tea now? Oh, no, no.

Far too excited.

No, no. I must get back and report.

Oh, I'll see you out there. Oh, thank you.

Well, goodbye.

Ta -ra.

You know, it's a strange world.

If it hadn't been for Julius Caesar, we would never...

He's got a lot to answer for.

Oh, come in.

Steve!

It's the gentleman from the waterboard.

Damn it. Hi, sir.

What time is it?

Six o 'clock.

Well, in the morning.

No, afternoon.

We're sorry we're a bit late, sir, but we had a few emergencies.

Well, we just thought we'd check before we took the gear away.

Yes, help yourself.

Go on.

I'll get it.

Yeah. Yeah, I think you'll find that that well is just about dried out now,

Well, if you've got to clear your gear away, you don't mind if I have a little

tip in peace?

No, no, no. You go ahead, sir. Don't you worry about us. You're very kind.

Yeah. Now, J .K. 91's worked a treat, sir. Oh, I knew it would, yes.

Sid, that was Miss Plummer.

Now, she says that she'd like to bring round some ladies from the local society

to take a sample from the well.

Well, I'll have to be quick. It's drying up.

Well, how's everything?

Oh, lovely. Just lovely.

If you see a lot of local ladies walking around with hairy chests, pretend not

to know.

So, what's this Miss Plummer like? She'll make somebody a very good

Well, I don't know how you've put up with it. You've been a real martyr, Sid.

You've got to take it in your stride, haven't you?

Yeah.

Still, it's not everybody who's got a Roman well under the floorboards.

I mean, it's a bit of history, isn't it?

You're right.

It is history, you know that?

I wouldn't be surprised if Julius Caesar didn't stop off at our place for a

quick flag and a water before he went to the Battle of Trafalgar.

Did she actually have a party with you?

I don't think she drank water.

She was all right.

Bungee. Was she? Yes.

Look, if you put up a board, I bet there's a lot of people who'd be willing

pay money to see something like that.

Get away.

Yeah.

You mean put up a sign saying, uh,

see where Caesar and Cleopatra stop for a quick one.

She'd make a fortune, see.

I don't think so, no.

Well, you could make it the wishing well. Get the people to throw the loose

changing.

Now, that is a good idea.

That's good, that.

We just need a bit of a gimmick, don't we?

Ah, a big sign right across the well.

This is the well for all to see where Caesar quenched his thirst.

And Cleopatra plunged her love because she thought she was the first.

I like that.

It's got a touch of virility.

Yes, it does.

Eric, two more scotches, please.

And then she and Cleopatra turned around to him and said, we don't care if you

are the king of the bloody Trojans, you're not sleeping in the middle.

No, no, it's not too late to come around. No, no, I've already found the

Lovely. Yes.

What others?

you've come home? You mean you found some more wet patches?

And you told her?

Amen, Mr. Abbott. Oh, yes, sir.