Original subtitles

I'm home!

Jane?

Jane!

Hello, Cedric.

Look, excuse me a minute.

Be quiet, please. All right, all right. Would you mind if I ask you a little

question? Yes, come in.

What's going on?

What's the matter?

Listen.

What are we listening for?

Did you hear that?

Yes.

What was it? Dustbin lid.

Exactly. Exactly.

That was next door's dustbin lid, so there's somebody next door.

Well, of course there's somebody next door, Trevor and Betty.

Trevor and Betty are on holiday.

Well, perhaps it was the dustman.

No, I've been outside listening to... Well, what's all the mystery about this?

Oh, blabber, will you stop doing that?

Half an hour ago, I heard bumping coming from the kitchen.

Probably Betty banging Trevor's head on the cooker.

It's mysterious.

Now, Betty and Trevor are not there.

and Betty were on holiday. They are.

Well, the lights are on in their kitchen. And we heard voices.

You see? I told you.

Well, perhaps they'd come home a day early. They can't have, Dad. The car

in the drive.

You see? I told you. Will you stop saying that?

Look, there is somebody in there and it's not Betty and Trevor.

Mummy, it might be burglars.

Burglars? Oh, Sid, what are we going to do?

I am doing nothing.

Why not?

Because you're supposed to be keeping an eye on the house while they're away.

I'll make a note that they've had a burglar and I'll tell them when I get

See, you'll have to go round and investigate.

If he is burglar, he could be dangerous and Daddy might get attacked.

She's right.

I've got a better idea.

What is it, Daddy? Let him go.

Not me.

It's my duty to stay here and protect Mum and Daddy.

Well, we can't stand here arguing while the place has been ransacked.

She can manage.

Danny, you come here.

Mike, phone the police.

It'll be too late by the time they arrive.

He's right, Sid.

There's nothing else for it. You'll have to go.

But what if there's a whole crowd of them? A gang?

Oh, Dad can handle it. He can manage. He's always going on about how he did

unarmed combat in the army.

Let's forget about it. It's probably nothing at all.

You're not scared, are you? How dare you? Of course I'm not scared.

In any case, they've got nothing worth pinching.

That is hardly the point.

Oh, blimey, all right, I'll go.

Come on, Tarzan. No, I'll stay. You might need somebody here to call an

ambulance for you.

Daddy, hit his burglars.

Don't take on too many of them.

I'll try to restrain myself.

That I would like to see.

I'll have to do one day. Sid, don't hit him. Save it for the burglars.

Daddy! What?

It's nothing. It's perfectly all right.

Will you stop shouting?

Could I have the police?

Oh.

Sid.

What? That policeman's been a long time next door. I hope he's all right.

Well, we'd have heard if he wasn't.

Heard what?

Well, if he was in trouble, he'd have blown his whistle.

I'll go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's the constable, Sid. Hello, officer. Well?

Well, you were right, sir.

Madam was wrong.

There are no burglars next door.

Thank you very much, Sid. How's it?

There were burglars, Sid, and you saw them. No, I did not see them. I saw

shadows. Actually, there were people next door.

But they're not burglars.

Who are they, then?

A Mr.

and Mrs.

Munro. Mr. and Mrs. Munro? That's right, sir. What are they doing there?

Well, five minutes ago, miss, they were having supper.

Boiled ham, pickles, cheddar cheese... Never mind a bloody menu!

Squatting.

Squatting? That's right, sir, they're squatters.

Well, why didn't you arrest them?

Can't.

No, you see, squatting is a civil matter.

I mean, they haven't stolen anything, haven't wrecked anything.

Out of my hands.

Oh, thank you very much for coming round. Thanks for your help.

Just a minute. You can't leave it like that.

Of course you can. You heard what he said. It's out of his hands. It's a

matter. But they can't just break in and take over.

To be fair to them, miss, they did not break in.

Then how did they get in?

They just walked in.

Some idiot left the back door unlocked.

Yes, well, I'll show you that. You must have left it unlocked when you went in

to water their plants.

Never mind about that. Never mind about that.

How do we get them out?

Well, whoever gets them out will need a court order.

A day time.

How long?

Could be a week. Could be a month. Month?

Poor Betty.

Poor bleeding squatters.

Well,

I'll have to be off, sir. I've got another little matter to attend to.

Matter of fact, the Munros themselves made a complaint.

They made a complaint?

Yes.

Seems they've just had a peeping Tom.

Ugly looking character.

About five foot four, thinning hair, prominent nose, walks with a limp.

Oh, that's all right, officer. That'll be my hope.

Show the officer out, will you please, darling?

Thank you, then, sir. Sorry we couldn't be more help. Very nice, thank you. I

like your buttons. Nice and shiny.

Well, thank you, sir.

I wonder what's happening.

Betty and Trevor have been back for 20 minutes.

I hope they're not having a fight with those people.

Trevor, fight never.

Betty might be having a go.

She better not. If they lay a finger on those squatters, they'll be guilty of

assault. That wouldn't worry Betty.

Oh, Kate.

Something terrible's happened. What? What? They've got squatters.

Squatters? Yeah.

No. Yes!

Oh, come and sit down there. I've been on my hands in these for 15 minutes,

fiddling with the look.

I mean, what a diabolical liberty.

What do you do? Hi, Trev. How was your holiday?

Well, actually, it rained on the Tuesday, but the Wednesday and

right, don't cry, love. We'll sort something out.

What about the baby? Where's little Dominic?

Well, luckily, he's still round at Betty's mother's for the week.

Otherwise, she'd be even worse.

That would have been impossible.

Did you know about these squatters, Sid? No. Yes.

Well, make your minds up.

Well, we found out last night, and then we rang the police.

What were they doing?

Well, actually, they were having supper.

And what did the police say?

There's nothing they can do. It's a civil matter.

Oh, God.

What's he got to do now?

What's he got to do now is you've got to get a court order to get him evicted.

And how long will that take?

Oh, it could take a month.

Oh, God.

You do have to stick your blooming nose in. Isn't she bad enough?

I didn't know you'd have squatters, did I?

It's his fault. We'll sue him.

Sue me, then.

I'll get you two court orders.

Anyone there?

It's him.

The squatter. All right, all right, all right. Go on, Jean, see what he wants.

Shove a towel in her mouth.

Oh, sorry to bother you, love, but could you possibly spare me a cup of sugar?

Maybe it may change, but the bloody habits don't.

Just haven't had a chance to get the shopping in yet.

What shall I do, Sid?

Don't give him any. Don't encourage him. I've given you blooming things.

You've come at a very awkward moment. I'm sorry. I really didn't want to cause

any ill feeling amongst you all.

Oh, I haven't introduced myself, have I?

My name's Monroe.

You must be Mr Abbott. That's right. How do you do?

How do you do? And of course, Mrs Abbott.

How do you do? How do you do? And that's our daughter, Sally, and our son, Mike,

over there. Oh, hello, Mike. I don't think we'll make it a social event. No,

No, no, fairer.

I expect we'll be seeing a lot of each other now that my wife and I have moved

in next door.

Moved in? You bloody squatty girl!

Oh, come on, fair dues.

You can't blame me for the country's housing situation.

That's true.

Yeah, and it's not my fault that I'm homeless with nowhere to live.

You've got a point there, Trev.

There are thousands of poor homeless people these days.

It must be terrible for them.

Well, what about us then?

Well, you have got a roof over you, Red.

Well, actually...

His roof is over your head. And your roof is over his head. Yeah, but his

is up... Let's start again, shall we? Well, his roof's over our head. All

all right.

He happens to be my friend and he's in trouble. Well, if you'd like to give my

wife and I a roof over our head, he can have his back.

Oh, shut up!

What do you think?

See? No?

No, I thought not.

Hey, I'd better be off. I've got to go to the kids' new school. Parents'

evening. I'm not having your snotty kids galloping round my house.

Get back in there and look after them. Go on. Go on. Hey, look, don't worry.

They won't be a problem. They're at a private boarding school.

A private boarding school?

Yeah. Well, a good education's important nowadays, isn't it? Well, yes, it does

come in handy, yes.

Oh, well, as I said, I'd better be off.

Lovely to meet you all.

Oh, now, listen, love. I don't want you to go worrying about us, cos we're many

somehow. And you must come over to our place for a little drink one night, eh?

Yes, yes, hang on.

Yes, Harry.

Oh, Harry.

Oh, he will be pleased.

Yes, he's back.

Yes, he's in my place now.

Oh, yes. Well, we'll be there in two minutes. Right? Goodbye, Harry.

Trav? Yeah? I forgot to tell you while you were away. The air -announced Rotary

Committee has voted you president, chairman, secretary and treasurer.

And I'd be waiting there for a solid hour and a half to put that gold chain

round your neck.

Gold chain? The gold chain round the neck. Oh, yeah.

Chin up, love.

It's all right, I'll look after you. Don't worry.

What a thing to happen, Sid.

It's like being evacuated.

I'm sorry about your packed doors, Trev.

You know, I went to a lot of trouble to order your geranium.

Have you seen them? They're right out in full blue.

No, we didn't see them, Sid.

Never mind, they're already annuals. We'll see them next year.

Thank you.

I mean, it's like something that had happened to somebody else.

Like being struck by lightning.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Mind you, I've never actually been struck by lightning, have you, see?

Not lately, no.

I wish that man rather get struck by lightning.

That'd be good, wouldn't it?

Not much chance of that happening, though, is there? No.

The weather forecast is dry with sunny periods.

And I thought an Englishman's home was his cup. It is.

But unfortunately, Daddy let your drawbridge down.

What a mess.

Homeless at 26.

I thought you were 32.

Oh, I'm sorry, Betty. At least you've got somewhere to sleep, hasn't she,

Of course.

You can sleep on our sofa.

I couldn't possibly do that.

Of course you can.

We don't mind at all. In fact, we insist.

It's no good to me. I can't sleep unless I have a proper bed.

Well, Sid will think of something.

Come on, cheer up, sir. We'll do what we can to help.

Thank you.

It's been a bit of a squeeze, though, hasn't it?

What? Well, I mean, you and Jean and your two kids and Betty and me and

we're all living together in your little house for a month.

I forgot about that.

Never mind, Sid. We'll sort something out tomorrow.

We'll sort something out tonight.

Come on.

What are we going to do now, Sid?

We're going to try and get you in here. Well,

I hope there won't be any aggro.

The window's open.

Oh, God.

Now, listen.

I mean, do I have to? It might be illegal.

It's your bloody house.

It's a bunk up there, isn't it?

Oh, no, no. Go on.

That's it.

Go on, then.

In you go.

Oh, no, no, no.

What's the matter?

Just looking in. Oh, yeah.

I'm looking for... Oh, there he is.

Well,

are you coming in or going out?

Well, I'm with him.

Well, you'd better come in, then. Thank you.

Yep.

Actually, he's looking for a bed for the night.

It looks like he's already found one.

It's disgusting, eh? He's been drinking again.

Me and my wife were just going out to bed.

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, he needs some fresh air. Would you give me a hand with him?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Thank you.

Thank you. That's very decent of you.

It's all right. Don't mention it.

Good night. Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Did we make it?

Yes. Did we get in? Yes.

And what are we doing out here, then?

We carried you out.

Who for?

Never mind, come on.

So where are we going now, then?

My place.

For a month.

That's nice.

Sit up, it's toss -off.

You got my morning paper.

Yes, thanks, Ed.

Look at her, the Loch Ness Monster.

The worry and the strain, it upsets me.

I've had a wink all night.

Didn't stop you having a bowl of cornflakes, five fried eggs and a pound

liver for breakfast, did it?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I can't. I'm too busy sorting out your troubles.

I'll put a sock in it, Dad. I'm trying to get some sleep.

Come on, Lightning.

Let's go and get that court order. No, I ain't got to. I haven't finished me

coffee yet. You're worse than she is.

I've been talking to a friend of mine who works in a solicitor's office.

Yes. Well, he knows about these things. Yes. And he said that if Trevor can get

back into his house while the Munros are out... Yes. ...he can technically

regain possession, so long as he doesn't break in.

Oh, thanks, sir. It's marvellous. Well, don't just sit there. It's not what you

do. Of course you know what you're talking about. I'll tell you what we do.

We wait until they both go out. Yes. They are too clever to both go out and

leave the house empty.

Sid, I've just heard Mr Munro say he's going out to collect his...

Social security.

That's it.

We go round there, knock on the back door, she comes out to find out what it

and we slip in. Come on.

Blind leading the blind.

She's on her own.

Who does what then?

I'll knock on her door. Do you think it's the milkman?

When she comes out, you nip in. Oh, don't you? Off you go.

I'm going to be right to you, Ara.

Noises.

When she comes out to find out what it's all about, I'll nip it behind her.

You sure it all works? I'm sure it'll work.

the doors and windows secure, and the Munro's gone with all the stuff.

I must say, they took it very well.

They didn't stand a chance once I made me mind that.

Oh, OK, see?

Thank you. Come on, darling. What about lunch?

Oh, I'm just coming, Ted.

Thanks for all your help, Dean.

No, it was my idea.

Did you get into that on holiday?

Not all of it.

oh