Original subtitles

Oh, dear.

Isn't Daddy home yet?

No. He said he might be a bit late.

Business. At 11 .30 at night?

He should have been home an hour ago.

Why an hour ago?

Well, the pub's all shut at half past ten.

He's working.

Working? He went to a meeting.

Who with?

Well... Go on, Mummy. Who with?

His new secretary.

What do you mean, aha?

I trust your father. He wouldn't look at another woman.

Besides, she's probably not even his type.

Mummy, all Mike said was, aha.

Well, he's probably been delayed because the meeting went on late.

Well, you go to sleep and we'll wait out for him. He'll be back any minute now.

Tired out, full of apologies for being late.

What now, my love?

up for him or worried about him or anything, so go to bed.

Listen, he sounds as if he's out of you.

Go to bed.

Here

we

go, Cedric.

You shouldn't have wiped it up for me, though.

couple of birds waiting for me.

Oh, blimey, Cedric, it is late, isn't it?

Show that or I'll clue your beak up.

and started it yet.

You have been drinking. No, no, no.

Just a little one. Two fingers.

I thought you'd be a bit late.

So, I didn't wake up. I came straight to bed. Good. You want some?

No, thank you. Very nice with chocolate.

Hold it there.

Well, you know how to make these drag on and on and on.

No, I wasn't worried about you at all.

Good.

a lot of these evening meetings now?

Oh, lots and lots, yes.

Even if you are only the temporary assistant deputy manager?

Yes, well, if I do well, I could become the permanent temporary assistant...

temporary undersecretary. That's a good job, isn't it, undersecretary?

No, I wasn't worried about you or anything.

Good. Mike and Sally said so, too. They weren't worried either.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I mean, you being out late on business.

Didn't bother us at all. Oh, that's silly, isn't it?

Oh, now, my love.

Well.

What's your new secretary like?

Fantastical.

Fantastical? Yes.

She has every quality you could want in a secretary.

What qualities?

She's a nymphomaniac and she lives over an awful lot.

If I can hold it still a minute, I'll not be... There, yeah.

I like that.

Is he all right?

Or the meeting was late?

A likely story.

No.

He's just tired.

Will you be okay, Mummy? Of course he'll be okay.

Yes, dear.

They were only worried about you.

I thought you said they were in bed.

I mean, here I come just a couple of minutes late and everybody behaves like

and the Dick Green.

Are you sure you've only had one drink? Yes, I'm sure I have.

You've still got your hat on.

Where's Dad?

He's going to be late for work.

We were awake half the night.

Why? He was itching.

Itching? That's what he said.

Hangovers don't itch.

No, it wasn't just a hangover. He's come out in spots, like a rash.

Oh, that is unusual.

A spotty hangover.

He won't let me call the doctor.

He says he's got an important fire to meet today.

Has he got a temperature or any other symptoms?

No, just spot.

Well, it can't be...

Chicken pox or measles?

He's already had those.

Perhaps he's getting them again in second childhood.

That's enough.

Now, when he comes down, don't mention Spock. You know how he worries about

these things.

All right, Mummy.

Just ignore it. Pretend it hasn't happened.

Yes, thank you.

Good God! Good morning, Daddy.

What's the matter?

I'm not staring, Daddy.

It's just that my eyes are a bit stiff this morning.

He doesn't look any different to me.

Here's your coffee, darling.

Thank you.

I'm making you nice bacon and some sausage.

Because you know how you like sausage with your spots.

It's nothing, Sid.

Mike, Sally, tell him it's nothing.

Oh, it's nothing, Daddy.

notice it. Don't try and kid me. Look at it. Blimey, I can't go to work like

this. Oh, God.

We could try covering it up with make -up.

I am not going to work wearing make -up.

Oh, no. They'd think it was peculiar.

I said I was peculiar.

That looked like an attitude rash to me. A friend of mine had it. It means

you're allergic to something.

What could he possibly be allergic to?

Him. Thank you.

You'll suddenly be allergic to Mike.

Who's saying about suddenly?

It's more likely you're allergic to some sort of food.

Come and have your breakfast. Forget it, forget it. I'm probably allergic to

pork sausages.

Nobody's allergic to pork sausages. Oh, yes, they are.

Who? The pigs.

Oh, don't be silly. You're probably allergic to something odd, like

Horsehair?

I don't suppose you've noticed, but we don't get too many horses galloping

through here.

Sid, you've got to go to work, and it doesn't look bad. You can call in at the

doctor on your way home. I can't go to the doctor. I've got to go to Birmingham

today.

Birmingham? That's right.

You didn't tell me. You didn't ask.

That's a long way to go in one day.

I'm not going in one day. I'm coming back on Friday.

Friday? That's right. You've never done that before.

Who are you going with?

I'm trying to make a statement.

Who?

My secretary.

Don't keep saying that.

Mrs Crawford happens to be very experienced and very essential to me.

Experienced? Yes.

Missy? Yes, Mummy. Like in married.

Actually, she's divorced.

Divorced, eh?

Oh, she can't be very attractive, Mummy. Not if she's divorced.

Just the two of you?

That's right, yes.

What's the matter?

What is it?

What is it? Your rash is getting worse.

Oh, no.

Oh,

Sid. They're spreading.

They're terrible.

Oh, Sid. Sally, go and phone the doctor and ask him to call round. And then ring

your father's office and tell him he's very bad and he won't be in.

Mike, go and put on the electric blanket. Your father feels much worse.

We must get him to bed. I'm not going to bed. I've got to go to Birmingham. And

I'll be coming back on Friday.

Oh, Sid, the way you look, I should think you'll be in bed till...

Till Friday?

Yes, dear.

Friday. Oh, son.

I don't know, Sid.

I think they quite suit you.

Look at the blooming thing.

I think it's clearing up. I can barely see it now.

Well, I can.

I reckon they're spreading.

If they meet behind your head, your ears will drop off.

Oh, you're so funny, aren't you?

So, what did the doctor say this morning?

Well, he sat there, he tried every test in the world, including Cedric, and he

sat there for two solid hours, looked at me and said, I don't know, what do you

think?

Well, if it gets any worse, you'll look like a Dalmatian, I tell you.

Did you want something, or did you just come here to amuse yourself?

Daddy, I've got some news. Yes?

Well, I've been talking to a friend of mine who's a nurse. Yes? And she said

that these strange... Rashes with no known physical cause can be

What do you mean, it's all in the mind?

That's it.

It's all in the mind.

There's nothing wrong with me at all. My face is as clear as a baby's bottle.

It's just that I've got a very spotty mind.

She could be right, you know, Sid.

I mean, there was this uncle of mine. Cool, did he worry?

Yeah. He woke up one Monday morning with this horrible rash.

Yeah. I reckon it was the worry that caused it. Go on.

What exactly was he worried about?

Well, they never found out.

He died on a Tuesday.

So you like to see.

Hello, is your father in? Daddy, it's the doctor again. Ah.

Hello, doctor. Hello, I'm sorry to barge in, but I was passing.

I've had an idea.

About Mr. Abbott's condition, I mean. Well, sit down, sit down. Ah, thank you.

Yes, you see, as we've been unable to establish any physical cause as yet...

theory is that your rash could be of a mental origin.

Who's mental?

Oh, just listen to him say it. You see, Miss Rabbit, I'm not a trained

psychiatrist, but, well, it's always been a very keen interest of mine.

I'd like you to come down to the surgery with me, and, well, if it is something

mental, we can, you know... He said it again.

Daddy, he won't try to help.

He's the doctor. He knows best. Come along, Miss Rabbit. I've got half an

to spare. All right, all right.

What do you mean go? He's taking me.

That's it then, Dad.

First of all, the unidentified spots.

Then the psychiatric couch.

And next, the straitjacket. Oh, no.

Don't worry about me. When the two fellas arrive in a white coat, tell them

gave myself up. Come along.

Do you mind, while you're pottering about, if I nip out over to the boozer

have a quick... Just a moment.

I went without my supper to come here. Is this absolutely necessary?

Well, I'm not sure, but we might as well try everything.

Now, Mr Abbott, I want you to relax completely.

Just let yourself go.

Right. That's right. Now, enter your mind. Yes, sir. Just switch off

Right. That's right. Now, breathe evenly.

Deeply.

Relax.

Now, I want you to take your time, and I want you to say anything that comes

into your mind, whatever it may be.

Right, you can start now, Mr. Abbott.

Mr. Abbott.

Mr. Abbott.

Mr.

Abbott. Oh!

All right, what is it?

Spot's gone? No, no, we haven't started yet. You fell asleep.

Look, let's get right back to the beginning, shall we? Yes, go on. How far

can you remember?

Well, to tell you the truth, I've got a shocking memory.

Well, go on, go on.

Let's see.

Last Tuesday.

What happened last Tuesday?

I've forgotten.

Well, I really meant incidents from your childhood, Mr Abbott. Oh!

Yes, well, we had this girl next door, Veronica.

Oh, yes.

Blue eyes, lovely figure, gorgeous girl.

How old would you be at that time?

Eighteen months.

Let's be serious, Mr Abbott.

Were there any particular incidents from your childhood that stick in your mind?

Anything you found difficult?

Yes. When I was twelve. Yes?

I tried to give up smoking.

You seem to have been amazingly overdeveloped for your age. So was

First time I found out that jelly wasn't the only thing that wobbled.

Oh, funny, yes.

Really, Mr Abbott, these silly answers aren't getting us anywhere, you know.

Well, you ask me silly questions, mate, you get silly answers.

You just try to cooperate.

Yes, of course.

Now, look, cast your mind back to when you were a teenager.

We didn't have teenagers in those days.

If you didn't bring home your weekly wage packet, you were still a bloody

nuisance.

Didn't you have any odd experiences as a young man?

Yeah. To tell you the truth, if you gave Veronica half a portion of fish and

chips, took her around the back of the gasworks, if you played the cards

right... Yes, sir, but look, I'm... I'm trying to find the cause of your

complaint. Will you please confine yourself to answering my question? Yes,

course.

I think we'd better try a different tack.

Good idea.

Ah, here's something good. Now, look.

I'll throw you a word, and you reply with the first word that comes into your

mind. Right.

Now, then.

Worry. Sand.

Fear? Sand.

Sports? Sand.

Just a moment, I'm beginning to see a connection.

Didn't your unit serve in the desert campaign during the war, the Battle of

Alamein? That's right, yes.

Well, go on, go on.

I don't like to talk about it. Ah, yes, I understand.

The heat, the sand, the thunder of the artillery, the shells screaming

the rattle of the machine guns.

Must have been a terrifying experience.

Where exactly were you at the time?

On leave in Putney.

Putney?

There's no sand in Putney. Oh, yes, there is, mate.

The golf club.

Just around behind the clubhouse is a beautiful bunker there, lovely soft

But where did the worry and the spots come in? I was worried that her father

would spot us.

Absolutely no pointing going on with this nonsense.

Oh, just a moment.

Hello?

Ah, Dr. Robinson.

Yes?

Ah, I've got Mr. Abbott here now, yes.

You have?

Oh, good.

Yes, I've got that hair fix, yes.

And cherry glow.

Ah, thanks for letting me know. Yes, cheers.

Well, they've come up with the answer. Have they? Yes, it was an allergy after

all. Oh. Yes, they've pinned it down to a couple of cheap cosmetics. A hair fix,

that's a sort of hairspray, and a lipstick called cherry glow.

I expect your wife or daughter uses one of them.

Is that it, then?

Yes, it's as simple as that.

Perhaps next time you'll think twice before calling people mental.

Boy, I've wasted a bloody time.

Have you finished your breakfast, darling? Yes, thank you, darling.

You know, I still don't understand it.

Sally and I don't use those brands of hairspray and lipstick.

And your rash has almost cleared up, Daddy.

So it can't be anything here.

Well, it's got to be. There's no other woman I come into close contact with.

Oh, I forgot. Your secretary phoned to ask how you were.

My secretary?

Your new secretary.

That's it.

What's it?

That's it. Mrs. What's it?

Mrs. Crawford.

Your allergy started when she did.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He's been rubbing his face against Mrs. Crawford.

Have you, Sid?

Mrs Crawford is 60, she's fat, she's enormous, and she looks like a green

bus.

Where are you going?

To work.

What time will you be home?

About six o 'clock.

Oh, good.

Next Friday.

You mean you're still going?

I've got to go, haven't I?

Oh, yes.

I'm sorry, darling. It's all right.

I know it's important to your business.

Sally, we're being very unfair to your father.

I'm sorry, Daddy. I know you wouldn't do anything we'd be ashamed of. Thank you

very much.

Just make sure you don't get those spots back.

All right.

I'm sure everything will be all right, Mummy. We don't have to worry about him.

Well, of course not.

She looks like a green -lined bus.

Shall I help you with the washing?

Oh, no, thank you, dear. We'll do it later.

Oh, I'll start on the bedrooms, then. No, we'll do those later, when we come

back.

nice day, I thought we might go out and do a bit of shopping and call in at your

father's office.

What for?

Well, we haven't seen his new office or his new desk. Or his new secretary?

Well, I thought we could take his overnight bag, which would stop him

the way home for it. And quite by accident, we'll have a look at Mrs.

Yes.

God damn it, not you too, Mrs.

Crawford. I'm totally fine.

in the office. Do you remember?

I am. Sorry.

That's all right. As long as you don't give me a re -spray.

Well, I've just been to the doctor. He says I've got to have a few days off

until it clears up.

Thank you. What about this lot?

My daughter's just started here as a tenth, and it's been agreed that she can

take over my job as a secretary while I'm away off sick.

You don't mind?

As long as she can handle this.

Oh, yes.

And she's such a nice girl. Her name's Janice. Janice.

Well, Yes, but I'd better go home. Yes.

I'll send Janet in.

Bye -bye, Mr. Abbott. Bye -bye. Wish you better.

Thank you.

Come in.

Mr. Abbott.

You're a temp, are you?

Yes. You look pretty feminine to me.

Fix it up so that I could work for you until she's better.

Oh, I see.

I made her some coffee.

Oh, that's very nice of you.

Sugar?

Too much.

She's really quite good at working for me.

You mean she's tight as well?

Fifty words a minute.

Is that enough?

Three or four would be enough.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

I'm coming right away.

Excuse me.

Why don't you take the weight off your feet?

Hello.

I'm looking for Mr Albert's office.

This is it. I'm afraid he's just popped out for a moment. Can I help you?

Secretary? Yes.

Well, sort of.

What kind of sort of?

Is your name Crawford?

Yes, that's right.

Do I know you?

You're not a Green Line bus.

He means that we've got to hurry to catch a Green Line bus.

Would you just tell him we left this?

Yes. I'm his daughter.

And I was his wife.

Come along, Sally. I think we've seen enough.

Yes, I see what you mean.

Yes, I'm afraid you'll have to come up to Birmingham with me, because... How

this get here?

Oh, two ladies just left it. One said she is your daughter, and the other said

she was your wife.

Mummy, will you stand still a minute, and I can explain.

Look, you don't understand. Now, what happened was... Oh,

yes, thank you, dear. You know, Mrs Crawford, the green line bus... Mrs

Crawford... It was not Mrs Crawford, it was her daughter.

I knew he'd come up with some excuse or other. Not very original. Mrs Crawford

has got an allergy and she's got to stay at home. I get it. She got it from your

aftershave. How did you get into it?

Betty told me.

You haven't told Betty.

That's nice, isn't it? That'll be on a bloody radio, one o 'clock news.

Let's hear it, then.

Look, I haven't got time to stand here and argue with you. I've got to catch

that train to Birmingham in one hour.

Shut up!

You mean you're still going to Birmingham? Yes. The two of you? Yes.

I've got to, don't you understand?

It's two minutes.

Now, look, please reason with me. I can't do short, Anne. I've got to have a

typist there with me. I can't...

oh